Mom and Monster

Where have you BEEN?

2013-07-06T23:19:00.002-07:00

I haven't been blogging much lately. I haven't really known what to say.

The day Mark turned 18 months old, I took him to the doctor and expressed my concerns about his lack of speech. He has picked up one or two words since he was born, and then eventually never used them again. He doesn't say more than "mama" and "dada" and doesn't always use them to address us. It's been frustrating, but we figured it would come with time--he babbled so early that he had to pick it up eventually, right?

Just a few days after I graduated, we had our referral appointment with a local resource center. He was exactly 19 months old and they determined him to be 5 months in expressive speech and 7 months in receptive speech.

More than that, he is only 13 months in fine motor (small movements like grabbing), 15-18 months in gross motor (large movements, like running and jumping), 7 months in cognitive abilities, 12 months in social/emotional skills, and 9-13 months in adaptive/self-help skills. He is likely Autistic but will not be diagnosed until 3.

We have been put into a program called FACES ("Facing Autism's Challenges by Expanding Skills") and ABA Therapy 5 days a week. We're starting out at 1 hour a day but could be upped to 3 if he's comfortable with it and they feel he needs it.

I'm happy that we got him help instead of ignoring it. I'm happy that they referred him when they didn't truly understand the full extent. I'm happy that he has been acknowledged so early and may be able to slide by without ever being diagnosed, should the therapy benefit him enough.

But I'm sad. I don't know why. He's amazing, just as amazing as before the news and I love him with every fiber of my being, but this changes so much. It changes how people see him. It changes how we have to go about things in life. It changes the way he'll be treated in so many different circumstances.

It makes it clear why he is the way he is. Signs that were meaningless to me before are glaringly obvious now. I just hope that they won't be in a few months.

My kid is awesome and so is every other child ever, especially Autistic children. They're amazing and all of you who have been through this with your children are amazing. It's hard. It's not something I ever imagined, or ever wanted to. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

We're working with the best team of people that I could ever imagine, and I'm grateful for that. We're lucky to have the resources that we do, and we're lucky to have each other.

I graduated!

2013-05-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

I did it! I graduated. Now I have a few months of absolutely nothing to do, which is actually kind of freaking me out because not more than a few days ago I had so much work to do that I didn't know how I was going to do anything else.

Now that I'm free for a while I'll be posting more regularly. This is just a quick update to let you guys know where I've been.

Dear Mark

2013-04-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Mark,

I love you. You are the cutest little boy in the world, you're funny, and you're just...fun. We can play with Legos for hours, run around the back yard throwing dirt, play in the pool, or lie around cuddling and watching your favorite shows. We can find entertainment in ridiculous little things, and crack up like it's the funniest thing in the world. Your laugh brings me so much joy.

With that said, you're a little punk sometimes. I know you're getting teeth, but please stop biting me; my shoulder can't take anymore. I know you're tired, but stop screaming! If you're annoyed, there's no reason to stomp on my laptop screen, and I know you want to run around in circles and get into strangers' purses at the doctor's office, but...no. Just no, kid.

It's so amazing watching you grow up and learn new things. You're so much fun now that you're getting bigger...but you're definitely more of a butt, too; there's no need to lie about it. We all know that toddlers are obnoxious, even if I wanted to pretend that you were going to be the sweetest little boy on earth (which you can be--kisses, anyone?).

I just want you to know that I love you and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. Eventually I'm going to get this parenting thing right and figure out how to get you to listen to the word, "No." I keep hoping that you'll learn to live with it and stop testing your limits, but I'm sure that's not true--look at your parents! Either way, you're going to grow up with an amazing character, even if you can be a punk sometimes.

No matter what, my baby, just keep being amazing.

Love, Mom

My BIG One-and-a-Half-Year-Old!

2013-04-27T23:13:00.003-07:00

Mr. Blue Eyes

I've been so busy lately. I don't know how I have time to eat or sleep or really do anything besides homework and raising a toddler. I have so much keyboarding work that I feel like I'll have carpal tunnel by the time these last four weeks are over, and I still have to complete a final project, final tests, and everything else that comes with my normal workload. I'm a little overwhelmed.

I just wanted to update so you understand why I haven't been here much lately.

Mark is a year and a half old as of Wednesday. We had his 18 month appointment the same day, and we found out some things we were really not happy to hear.

I brought up that we were concerned about Mark's speech development; he doesn't seem to have any non-name words and doesn't respond to his name most the time (though I think he's just stubborn), though he should have up to twenty words in his vocabulary by now. He's being referred to the children's hospital for a hearing test and somewhere in town to see if he qualifies for speech therapy. We don't know anything yet, and they might determine that he's on track still, she's just taking precautions as early as possible to ensure that we can deal with potential problems should they arise.

We're obviously going to be participating in whatever they want us to just to make sure everything is okay. I'm so stressed out...I have so much to do and now I feel like I've failed him somehow. Maybe that's ridiculous but I honestly just want to cry every time I think about it. Maybe I spent too much time on the computer? Maybe having untreated postpartum depression for the first few months of his life has hurt his development? What if it's hurt our relationship?

I need to stop thinking about this. We'll be ready when it's time to take him, and we'll be ready to take on whatever we have to. If they say he's okay I'll be so relieved, and if they don't, then at least we'll be working on it early, instead of waiting until he's in school and making his life much more difficult than it needs to be...right?

We're going to be just fine. I'll be back to post again, I promise. Just wanted you guys to know everything that's been occupying my mind lately.

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If you get the chance, please check out my friend LaShell's blog at Not Your Typical Housewife. She's pregnant with her first baby, a little boy, and she's awesome all around! I'll be spotlighting her soon and maybe stealing her genius for a guest post since I'm a little preoccupied right now.

Also, enjoy some pictures of Mark and his daddy. :)

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Grabbing a handful of dirt...

...and throwing the dirt at his dad!

The Liebster Award!

2013-04-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

So this awesome woman named Christy gave me the Liebster blog award a few days ago. Of course I've been a terrible-blogger-slash-awesome-student and haven't even had time to write about it! You can find her post here!

YAY!

I am an award noob and had never heard of this one, so I'm currently catching myself up and hoping that I do this right. ;) Stealing images from Christy who has said that they aren't hers--if you know where I can link back to, please let me know!

There it is!

Okay, so here are my 11 facts:

I am currently in the process of getting my associates degree. I'll be out of there in May and ready to pursue my bachelors!
I'm living with my dad while I finish college (at least this round of it). I hope to be out on my own very soon.
I live in a small 10 x 12 room with my son. I am dying of claustrophobia.
I only have one baby, and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's named after his grandpa who died of cancer just weeks before I found out I was having a boy, and my best friend who committed suicide our senior year of high school, two very lovely men.
I rarely go out anymore. I haven't been out with friends (besides kid-centered birthday parties) since November of last year. It was my birthday.
I love photography but don't seem to have enough time to really get into it myself.
I have two sisters, a half-brother, a half-sister, two stepbrothers, and two stepsisters. WHOO!
My biggest injury ended up getting me stitches in my eyebrow when I was very young--under 5, but I can't remember the exact age. I have never broken any bones.
I've started numerous books, but haven't finished any of them. Some that I was very proud of were lost in computer crashes, and I'll never stop being sad about it.
I have major depression and general anxiety disorder. I have a crippling fear of embarrassing myself, and it often keeps me from talking on the phone, going out with friends, and doing other people-centered activities. It doesn't matter if it's a big group or a small amount of people. One-on-one situations are just as terrifying to me as speaking to a group.
I write about 25 million to-do lists a day, often detailing the same things, because I can't stop thinking them over and over. It's okay to think I'm crazy now. ;)

Here are the questions!

Who or what is your inspiration?
Mark. Always Mark. Everything I do, I do for him. He's the highlight of my life!
What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
My son wakes me up in the morning, so I grab him, change his diaper, and we go to the living room to eat breakfast and play.
How do you handle a stressful day?
I usually just try to take it slow. My days are always the same: hang out with this kid, watch TV, eat, play with toys. I don't do much ever! But I try to relax and not run around as much (I tend to be the chauffeur at my house) and just not do anything that's going to upset me in any way.
What book do you recommend all parents read to their children?
That's a toughie. Mark doesn't seem to be taking to any book specifically, so I just read him whatever I feel like...ha! Of course, the classics like Dr. Seuss. Every kid needs that in their life.
When the kids go to bed what do you do?
I blog, do homework, try to do as much relaxing as possible before I fall asleep. It's the only time I have that things are actually quiet!
What is one thing about your past you wish you could change?
I absolutely wish I would have taken college more seriously before I had a baby. I didn't want to be there. I only was because my dad said I had to be...of course I realize now that he wanted me to do better than him, but in my mind I had been at school my whole life and didn't want to do it anymore. I was stubborn.
If you had a million dollars, what would you buy?
Oh jees...a house and a car, definitely. And probably lots and lots of things for Mark. There are a million things that I need and want, but every time I go to a store I drop it all and buy him something!
Why did you start blogging?
I started years ago with no audience just because I needed an outlet. Now it's the same, but I do it for the awesome community that comes with it. Plus I have no friends anymore. ;)
Are you going to follow all the award nominees?
I'm definitely going to try to get over to all of them. I've been bad lately, so bad!
What is one thing you hope your children remember about you?
That I was loving, and fun, and that I did everything for him.
How would you define your character?
I try to be the best person I can be. I think that even if I'm not always the best friend, it's because I devote everything I can to my son. Nothing else really matters after that. If there's extra time and resources, then I'll try my best to use them on others.

Now my nominees. I couldn't find some of your follower counts, so I apologize if you're over the 200 limit! Great blogs no matter what.

Lastly, my questions for you. Whoo!

What are you doing when you're the happiest?
Where is the one place that you're dying to go?
What got you to start blogging?
What does your blog name mean?
Who is your favorite person in the world, and why?
What's the perfect Saturday to you?
What is your favorite book and why?
What do you want your kids (present/future) to remember about you?
What is the best memory you have of your own parents (or whoever raised you)?
What's something that you never get tired of?
What's your weirdest habit?

Aaand...done. Your turn! Send me back a link and a comment so I can check yours out. :)

Almost Batman

2013-04-15T17:35:00.002-07:00

I appreciate all the visits lately, guys. We almost went Batman here the last week. Just thought you'd like to know. ;)

I know I'm not the only one who sees it.

If you've visited and I haven't returned the favor, I promise I'll be getting there! I've had a lot of homework lately and am honestly falling behind in the school department. Trying to make sure I keep my grades up for this six week stretch. Graduation is so close!

I'm "Mom" Now

2013-04-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like becoming a mother has completely overridden my sense of self; I've lost my identity as a separate person, and now I'm just "mom." I'm the person who gets someone's food and changes their diapers, who can't go anywhere alone for two seconds (including the bathroom!), and who deals with tantrums 62 hours a day. I'm usually covered in someone else's half-eaten food or bodily fluids, and I often fight a little person to just sit still for a while and relax (isn't that the best part of the day?). There are definitely negatives to being a parent.

Then I remember that I have this whole new identity: the woman who someone completely relies on, who he looks to for comfort when he's unsure of a situation, who he loves wholeheartedly. We're best friends. I get to watch him develop his own personality, enjoy his excitement as he experiences things for the first time and falls in love with them. I get to guide him through life, to teach him how to be who he is, and the whole time he's teaching me.

I don't do much outside of being a mom, honestly. I don't have many friends. I don't go anywhere aside from the store (which I don't do without him) and school (which isn't often, due to online classes mixed in). I don't go out on weekends or have girls' nights out, or spend my days downtown just because I can. There are days that I wish I could, but then he starts telling me stories or giving me kisses and I know that, even if given the choice, I would deny it most days. I'm exactly where I want to be.

There are always things we want to change, but for me these are things like furthering my education, moving into our own home, owning things that would make our lives more convenient. For me, these things are taking my son to Disneyland and the zoo and live shows to meet his favorite characters, and giving him the things he wants just to see the smile on his face.

I've completely lost my sense of who I was before I had a baby, but I've gained this sense of who I am now: someone's mom. I have a reason to do the things I do. He's my reason to be.

This Mom Thing

2013-04-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

Today Daniel had a barbecue with some friends, and obviously Mark and I were there. We got covered in food and dirt and bubbles (the "stack-able" kind that stay around much longer than they should), and it so much fun. And messy. Damn, was it messy.

Crappy dinosaur-phone picture of bubbles that you can't see.
All the spots on the ground, those are them.

Anyway, Mark decided to stop taking naps a few weeks ago, and therefore he sleeps pretty early now. Around 8 o'clock, I pointed out that it was about his usual bedtime and that I should probably get him home, especially after a day of playing in the heat. He was starting to get to that "I hate everything" stage that only tired kids have perfected and no mom wants to deal with that even a minute longer than they can help, am I right?

I decided to wipe Mark down to the best of my ability in case he fell asleep in the car, which he often does. Because of his eczema, we have to use gentle soaps to ensure that his skin will not be all scaly the next day, and I had forgotten to bring it with us or to leave some there. I told Daniel that was I going to put Mark in his pajamas for the ride home; "If he falls asleep in the car, then at least I feel like he's decently clean and comfortable," I told him, "and if he doesn't, he'll get a bath as soon as we get there."

He looked at me and said, "That's a great idea, babe. You've got this mom thing figured out." And he said it so lovingly that I couldn't help but melt.

I don't, though. I don't know if anyone ever has this mom thing figured out. We learn as we go and every single moment is a surprise even if we planned it down to a "T"--our kids don't follow plans. And then someday there will be second babies and we'll have to plan all over again because human beings just insist on being individuals.

I really like that I make it seem that way, though. I'm happy to be a mom, even if an imperfect one. Maybe the joy that comes from really loving something (or someone) is enough.

#UBP13 AFTER-party

2013-04-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad I participated in this! What a great start to re-entering the blog world. I just love all of you mommy bloggers and the support that everyone gives one another. Thank you all for coming here.

I want to thank all of you from UBP who have come to leave me comments.

Dreaming with Midnite
Tales of an Unlikely Mother
Our Butterfly Haus

You guys are awesome, and I know there are a lot of you who have come by that aren't from UBP! You guys are equally as awesome and I think you deserve recognition as well. ;)

Second Chances Girl from Bloggy Moms
Not Your Ordinary Psychic Mom from Bloggy Moms
Kid Crossing Barefoot from Tuesday link-up

I've followed everyone in return and look forward to reading more.

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If I forgot anyone, your link might not have worked for me, and if I made any errors, then I'm probably just a terrible person. Just let me know in the comments or in my contact form!

To be fair, he looks cute in anything

2013-04-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

Here's some fun info: ever since Mark became mobile, he has liked to hike over to the mirror and chat with himself. He used to get frustrated that the walker wouldn't go to that particular part of the house, but he loved babbling story after story to him.

Anyway, Mark is definitely not going to pleased with the Boy in the Mirror this October.

Because we really just had this conversation.

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Daniel: Babe! Mark has to be Chuckie for Halloween this year! It will be perfect and so easy to find his outfit.

Me: Like scary Chuckie??

Daniel: Haha yeah. He's almost the perfect size. It'll be awesome.

Me: Haha maaaaybe.

Daniel: Just picture it.

Me: What even made you have this revelation?

Him: This picture.

I don't get it. He's so sweet and innocent, eating candy.

Me: And that is how we will scar our child for life.

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Then again, maybe it will be adorable. Am I a terrible person for even considering this?

UBP 2013

2013-04-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

This year I'm participating in my first UBP hosted by 5 Minutes for Mom!

I'm a 22-year-old first-time mom to a little boy who was born in October of 2011. He's going to be 18-months-old in about 2 weeks' time and I can't believe it went by so quickly! He's obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba, Mickey Mouse Club, dipping his food in ketchup, and opening the garage door for me (also, any buttons available).

I haven't posted much about it yet, but shortly after my son was born I went to be seen for Postpartum Depression and learned that I have Major Depression and General Anxiety Disorder--I was sort of upended learning that the way I have felt my whole life wasn't normal, but I'm trying to learn to actually feel better. I avoid public situations as much as possible and don't even feel all that comfortable with one-on-one situations with my closest friends. I'm not good with conversation, have a crippling fear of embarrassing myself, and have to give myself a pep-talk to make phone calls (among other things), but I've never known anything different. Having a name for it just makes me feel weird.

Honestly, there's so much I could say here that I don't know what to include! I don't want to ramble. ;) Sorry that it took me a minute to put this up, I got preoccupied with food being thrown around the living room. Totally didn't eat the grapes off the floor, either, if that's what you're thinking (I actually did, though).

If you're visiting from the Ultimate Blog Party, thank you for clicking! Please leave a comment so I can go visit you back if I haven't already. :)

Watch him grow!

2013-04-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me for a while as I clean this blog up. Almost every picture I've ever used isn't showing up anymore, I'm sure most of the links are broken, and I'm still working on getting a layout I'm pleased with. On top of everything else, I have a lot of homework to get done and I don't have much time to do it.

In the meantime, you can enjoy these pictures of Mark.

12 weeks, 6 days pregnant.

24 weeks, when I found out he was a boy.

October 25, 2011. Just born. :)

First Halloween--1 week old.

Nov 24, 2011--first Thanksgiving. 1 month old.

Dec 24, 2011--first Christmas Eve. 2 months old.

Dec 25, 2011--first Christmas.

Jan 20, 2012. Almost 3 months old.

Feb 14, 2012. First Valentine's day. Almost 4 months old.

Feb 24, 2012. 4 months old.

March 24, 2012--first solids. 5 months old.

April 8, 2012--first Easter.

April 21, 2012. Almost 6 months old!

May 21, 2012. Almost 7 months old.

May 30, 2012. I just love this picture. ;)

June 21, 2012. Almost 8 months old.
One of this first times in the pool!

July 4, 2012. First 4th of July. :) 8 1/2 months.

Aug 11, 2012. Carl's Jr. w/ Grandma. Almost 10 months old.

Sept 25, 2012--11 months old.
Mark decided to show us how crazy he's going to be. :(

Sept 27, 2012. New car seat!

October 24, 2012. 1 year old!!

Jan 27, 2013.

Feb 20, 2013. We got tickets!

March 7, 2013--seeing Gabba Live.

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Postnote: these pictures aren't all on the exactly month-iversary dates (haha, the 24th of each month) because I've had several broken phones and computer crashes. I will update this and possibly make it into a page once I get my hands on all of my photos. :)

A post about Mark

2013-04-09T19:54:00.002-07:00

I'm currently sitting in class with the worst headache ever. I'm a trooper.

I bring my laptop now because I could never keep up with the slides while writing things down, and I type much faster than I write by hand. Now, though, either she's finally slowed down or I type way more quickly than I knew I did. I think it's the first, and I'm pretty sure she does it just to f*** with me. It's the only thing that makes sense.

Yeah. So I've got all this extra time between slides while everyone write-write-writes, and the only answer is to type something up here, right? Probably not.

I still have a lot that I need to update here. I never finished fixing the layout and never finished talking about everything that has happened in my absence. Hint: it's a lot. Mark is almost--

(Wait, wait--she's got another slide--aaand she went through it too quickly for me to write down. Told you she's f'ing with me.)

--Anyway, Mark is almost 18 months old and I can't believe how different everything is now. I'm working on changing so many things in my life and getting things in order so that he can have everything he needs--and hopefully most of the things he wants--in life. He's my main motivation to become a better person, and I'm excited to be able to show him someday that I did this for him. I'll show him that suffering through time and stress issues while going to college with a newborn was worth it, and that he can do anything he wants in life. I'll show him that he was wanted and loved and that he was worth everything I had to go through to support him properly. I'll show him that he was worth giving up everything that I had to in order to give him this life.

He's become this separate human being with his own personality. It's incredibly to think that so long ago he needed me to do everything for him...don't get me wrong, I still have to get him his food and his juice and change his diapers and talk him into using the potty and put him to bed (okay, this sounds worse now that I'm spelling it out, WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!), but now he also wants to feed himself, and take off his own clothes, and run into the street alone, and remove his own diapers (when they're completely full and then hide in the corner of the kitchen in that area behind the table--sometimes with his head, JUST HIS HEAD, behind the curtains so that I supposedly can't see him and clean up the mess).

Sometimes he's absolutely independent and totally can't stop long enough to kiss mom--until he hits his head and he needs mommy's kisses. Then it's all mommy all the time...or at least for 3.5 seconds, then he's running around frantically all over again, wondering what's left to destroy in our tornado of a house.

Kidding. Toddlers are fun. (I'm only being half-sarcastic.)

He's like us in so many ways and completely different in others. It's incredible. He can work an iPad better than some adults I know. He has to be the one to open and close the garage door whenever we go anywhere or come home, so I've practically retired the opener we keep in the car. He's funny, he's smart, he has his own tastes in food and in shows.

Let me just say that Mark is close to obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba and Mickey Mouse Club; we bought him the Live DVD (of Yo Gabba Gabba) after we took him to see it live in March, and now every time it comes on he gets the biggest smile on his face. Seeing them in person astounded him; he was frozen, just staring at them on stage, unsure of how to react. He had an incredible time and got to bring home some toys that he's so attached to now.

It felt good to give him that opportunity--and that's what I was talking about before. I want to offer things like this to him as much as possible. I want to see the joy on his face when he gets to see his favorite things in person. I want him to remember his childhood as an exciting period, and most of all, I want him to feel loved.

Mark is my whole world, all of quirks and his stubborn attitude included. I don't know what I would do without him.

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(I don't even know if this post makes sense; I feel like I've gone in a million different directions. Why am I about to hit the "Publish" button this without proofreading? Will edit later, don't abuse me over this.)

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I'm mad at me

2013-04-03T17:22:00.001-07:00

New short-term goals: clean this blog up. Try to catch up on the year or more that I've missed. Hope that everyone hasn't forgotten that I exist. Probably not that last one.

I have a lot of homework to do but I hope to be posting again in the next few days. I know that I was a new mom and everything, but I feel really guilty about stopping my posts right before he was born and then being so sporadic afterward. I wanted this here to remember everything and then I didn't document so many things - he's walking, he's learning to talk, he's done so, so much that isn't here. I'm really bothered by this.

I know I need to give myself a break, but here's to hoping I can stick to my goals in the future.

Light

2013-01-03T22:36:00.001-08:00

I know I've done only black and white and light play, but I promise to have something brighter soon. I've just been confined to the indoors because Mark and I have both been sick so much, and my house has the lamest lighting you've ever seen. Swear. I'll get out to the park soon and make up for this darkness. :P

In other news, my son is so. freaking. cute. I just can't get over it. The boy loves baths more than most of his toys, and he pretty much begs for one at least ~~sixty times~~ once a day. He'll walk into the bathroom after to you when you're putting something away or, ahem, heading in to do your business, and then try to climb over the side. And then I get to laugh while simultaneously freaking out about busted faces and broken bones. Not cool, boy.

Also, can someone please tell me what is so cool about coasters? Because my son will not leaves ours alone.

I don't even know.

Odd & Ends

2013-01-02T18:51:00.000-08:00

Daniel recently moved to a new house with his best friend, and the two of them were given some pretty awesome stuff. I love their living room. It's seriously one of the best to take pictures in, or at least better than mine. I really love the old jar(-thing) that sits on their table. It's gorgeous in the light. :)

I spent my day organizing things and giving Mark a few new play spaces. Well, mostly.

See, I have a lot of junk to clean/organize/move around, and I'm actually not even close to done. Mark decided it was time to play in the middle of it, and I figured being halfway done was better than constantly picking up blankets that he decided to unfold immediately after I reshelved them, putting away toys that had already been put away three times beforehand, and putting the trash back in its container. Cool, Mark, real cool. ;)

Here's what I have so far! First, a cluttered shelf!

And a messy toy area!

And a bunch of unedited pictures! Because I'm lazy after a vigorous cleaning that still isn't even finished. Okay, so my day still needs work.

Also, this is totally unrelated, but how cute is this toy? Yeah, I know.

2013, be good to me

2013-01-02T01:11:00.001-08:00

These are the things that I hope to change in my life. This list is a work in progress.

Lose weight (isn't that on everyone's list?)
Familiarize myself with my camera; start taking better photos.
Most important to me: spend more time just playing with my baby, with no agenda other than making him feel good about his life; I want him to remember his childhood as a special time full of love and joy.
Be more social. I want GAD to stop crippling me; I want to overcome this.
Be more organized.
Learn to better appreciate myself and the people in my life.
Become more independent.
CAN'T FORGET - keep up with my blog again. I can't believe I only posted twice in 2012! :(

He deserves more play time, and I deserve to act like a kid once in a while. ;)

What do you want to do with your year? How do you hope to change/improve your life?

First morning of 2013

2013-01-01T19:50:00.001-08:00

So it’s 2013…that means that I get to go back to (my last semester of) school here in a few weeks and constantly have to change my 2 to a 3. It’s inevitable, really.

I never stick to my goals but here are a couple that I hope to accomplish (eventually):

Lose more of this baby/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years junk food weight. A girl can dream.
Completely familiarize myself with my camera and its manual mode; acquire the new accessories that I want.
Finish school and start looking for a decent career, car, and home.

And, uh…well, maybe that should be all. I’m sure there’s more that I want to accomplish but the fact is that I’m just too notoriously flaky. You didn’t hear that from me.

Anyway, happy new year. :)

Guess what?

2012-05-15T14:31:00.002-07:00

I have internet again! I know, I kind of never came back to say that I wasn't going to have it and so you all just think that I'm dead or that I forgot my blog existed, but neither of those things happened, I swear.

A lot has happened in the last few months so I owe a very long, overly-detailed post to explain and then I should be back regularly. Sorry about disappearing, sorry about the too-long post to come, you're totally allowed to ignore it. But promise to tune back in when I get back on track!

Damn, I have way too much to update here. But anyway, welcome back, me!

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EDIT: 4/10/2013--I don't want to just remove this but let's pretend it didn't happen.

It's been a while

2012-01-12T00:28:00.000-08:00

I've been promising a post for a long time, and I'm sorry that I haven't come through. Things have been chaotic, which wasn't unexpected with a newborn. I feel like I should be coming here to brag about this adorable little boy on a regular basis, but I'm sure I do that enough on Facebook anyway.

So let's talk about something real.

I've been battling a severe depression in the few months since I had my baby. I feel like nothing is going right. I don't have a job, which doesn't mean that Mark isn't getting the things he needs, only that I'm not helping to provide those things for him. I don't have a home specifically for my family, which means that Daniel and I still don't live together, and that's killing me every day. It's hard raising a baby almost completely alone; it's even harder knowing that your partner wants nothing more than to help you but can't, because he isn't allowed to stay with you. I resent that fact.

No one should have to fight depression and raise a baby at the same time, but so many women do. I'm sorry to everyone who is suffering along with me, because it's one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I'm glad that it's not hindering my ability to care of my child, because I don't know what I would do if it did. I already feel so guilty knowing that I'm sad at times that I should be happy for him, or that I blame myself so harshly for these little things that no one would be able to help, not even myself.

It's hard not being able to talk about how you feel because everyone thinks it's a cry for attention. Which, maybe it is; maybe I do need attention once in a while, because no one should have to suffer through these kinds of feelings alone. But I feel like speaking them out loud makes me weak, totally pathetic, and I feel like I'm supposed to keep them inside to be a good mom. I feel like I have to keep looking strong even though I've never felt so weak in my entire life.

As far as I can tell it's not overtaking my relationship with Mark, at least not in a way that's damaging, but it's definitely overtaking the rest of my life. I feel like I can't interact with people like I used to, although that may just be the fact that I am such a different person that I was a year ago, even just a few months ago.

I love this little boy more than anything on the planet, and I'm so thankful that his dad is still here for both of us. We've had our problems, again mostly thanks to the depression, but we've battled through them together, and, at least at the present time, we're going stronger than we ever have. This is helping, and I'm more thankful to have Daniel in my life than I will ever be able to explain to him.

More positives? I'm working on a job that I hope I get, because this means so much more for us in the near future. A home, a better car, whatever our baby wants instead of just what he needs. Breastfeeding is going amazingly well. My son is beautiful. And Daniel has been telling me the most amazing things that probably don't need to be said, but which lift me up in ways that I've really been needing. Like reminders that this is the longest and best relationship he's ever had, that I'm beautiful, that he's happier than he's ever been.

I needed to know.

PS: Okay, now to 'brag' a little bit. :)

12/7/11, this (almost) my favorite face. We call it the turtle because of the way he stretches his neck out. :)

12/8/11, first shoes

12/17/11

12/18/11

12/21/11, big yawn

12/24/11, two months

1/10/12

1/10/12, with daddy

1/10/12, all of us.

This only includes a few pictures from December and January. Trust me, I have about a million more. He was born on the 24th of October so I will try putting together a post with pictures from birth until now. It's amazing how much he's grown already!

I hope you all haven't given up on this blog, and I'm sorry that I probably did there for a while. I really need to update things around here. This isn't the best post and it's pretty depressing but it's something I needed to get out, and now it's something that's actually here. I probably need somewhere to get these thoughts out of my head again, so I'm going to try to do this regularly.

Here's hoping.

Yikes, me.

2011-12-14T04:25:00.000-08:00

So...my laptop is broken again. I know, I'm made of suck. I don't know how I keep doing this, but I'm very angry with myself over it. Ugh.

Also, I'm apparently too stupid to use the auto-post feature, because that post that I promised what, weeks ago? Never happened. Because I set it to post while I was away and it just never did. I'm freaking sorry, for the millionth time.

I've been very busy, which I'm sure anyone with a newborn will understand. I hate that I haven't been here though. This blog was therapeutic for me, something that I could show my baby someday, and entertaining for my friends and family (who really want me to start updating again, so I guess I'm going to try that...as often as I can get on a computer now). My choices right now are to use my cell phone or my dad's shitty laptop. Neither option is very exciting, but I'll take what I can get when I can.

As far as the rest of my life goes, Mark was one month old on Thanksgiving and will be two on Christmas Eve. I'm finally feeling more normal, though we're still working on a sleep schedule and I still haven't driven since probably two weeks before delivery. My first time back behind the wheel will probably be this Friday, and I'm honestly incredibly nervous. But hey, life has to go on.

I also applied for a job today, so wish me luck on that. If I get it, I will be an assistant to the librarian at my local library, which I love. And we've been applying for some apartments, so I'm very hopeful about that too. I just want things to start getting better...living at home with a two month old whose dad can't stay to help us is incredibly overwhelming.

Anyway, I have a lot to update on, but it's 4:30 in the morning and I just wanted to update quickly while Mark is asleep. As it is, I should probably be sleeping too. I owe a lot more than is included here and will be back to give it as soon as I can keep my eyes open...ha, like that's ever! Just kidding. But seriously, birth story coming up as soon as possible. I do want to fix it up a little more now since it didn't post...might as well take that opportunity.

Also, I'm considering jumping over to WordPress...thoughts on that?

In progress

2011-11-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

So I'm currently working on a post for you guys with the birth story and my feelings and whatever else. I just don't want to post it until it feels finished. Like perfect. So there's that.

Soon, guys, soon. :) Sorry it's taken so long. I've been busy with this little dude...who is currently asking for my attention. Sigh, give me a little more time!

WELCOME October :)

2011-10-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

I missed my week 40 post, which is just wrong of me considering I've gone through this whole pregnancy hoping and praying and wishing I could meet my perfect little boy, and then I just don't show up to the finish line? My bad.

Well, I made it to my due date with no signs of dilation. It was pretty frustrating. And then the doctor asked me to show up to the hospital Monday morning (the 24th) to be induced. I was considering broaching the subject myself but was a little freaked out by it, and didn't expect him to be the one to bring it up. "That baby's going to come out," he said, "it just may take a little longer this way."

I was scared shitless, I'm not even going to lie.

So on October 24th, four days later than he was supposed to, Mark Allen came into the world. I walked into Labor and Delivery at 7 that morning, had my water broken at 830, and labored for hoooours. About 9 that night I started pushing and we welcomed our precious little guy into the world at 9:51 pm.

I had an amazing nurse who absolutely fell in love with my boy, and a very good team of nurses in the Mother/Baby wing who had already heard of him before we were moved over because of the first. Haha. They would walk in and say, "Oh, you really are adorable!" or something along those lines, and pretty much all of them fell in love with him. One in particular who helped me immensely with my breastfeeding issues and was just a wonderful support in general. I loved her.

And it's true, Mark's absolutely adorable. He's perfect, the most perfect little thing I've ever seen in my entire life. He hardly fusses, sleeps pretty well, is finally feeding better (before he just wanted to sleep, it was such a hassle to wake him up long enough to feed).

I do get the blues every once in a while because Daniel and I didn't get into our own place before the baby came. It was my number one hope, but we're dealing with it. And we're great together, so we're going to make it through this. We're going to be okay for a very, very long time.

I couldn't be happier. :)

I'll have to get a little more detailed when I don't have a little boy sleeping on my chest. Apparently my typing is bothering him, because he keeps wiggling back and forth. ;)

Come October: Week 39

2011-10-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

I think I've actually been too lazy to blog lately. Isn't that ridiculous? Like, how much effort does that take, seriously? Sit down, type what you're thinking, move on with your day...DONE. But, no, I always say, "I really need to write something...but I don't feel like it right now, so I'll do it later."

And later, later, later. Later never comes.

I went through a crazy up in energy and wasted it all getting my room organized - which I'm incredibly proud of, let me say, because it was one of those rooms that you could get lost in for days - but now that that's over, I feel like there's no more energy left anywhere in the world and I don't want to move anymore. That sounds horrible.

Also, my hands have decided to start throbbing and every single joint that hands consist of feel like they're never going to bend all the way again. Like creaky hinges. Like they're wrapped in Styrofoam. They just don't feel good, I'm saying. So typing is not my favorite thing right now.

All-in-all, I'm a happy. So damn happy. Daniel finally moved into his "grandpa's" house (actually a friend's grandpa, but he has sort of been adopted into the family over the years). Which means we're still not living together, but that things have been a lot easier - I can go over there to visit, and the truck can be left there overnight, so I have finally gotten to take a break from driving. That has been fantastic, considering I don't have anywhere to be during the day and I was just out driving him to work while a million months pregnant. Not fantastic. Now he just stops by when he can or picks me up and we rendezvous and then each head home. It's not my ideal situation, but it's working for us. We're doing what we can, and we're doing well.

I can't believe this pregnancy is almost over. It's incredible...I feel like it slowed down so much after 28 weeks, but then I look back and wonder where it's gone. How does time do that? I'll never understand.

I'm admittedly incredibly scared, but it's balanced with how eager I am, and so I can't decide if I want Mark to take his time or start this process like, yesterday. I'm just letting him choose at this point because his mom's too incredibly indecisive during the smallest situations, so I don't know how I'm going to do decide during something so life-changing. Because seriously - it's going to hurt, aw crap, I don't want to. But the crib's so empty and can you believe my tiny little cuddly boy is going to be sleeping there by the end of the month?

Oh, I'm excited. Oh, I'm so scared.

Whoa

2011-10-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

Whoa, has it been that long since I last posted? Since week 35, really? I'm so bad about this. I've been using up all of my energy on this crazy nesting streak lately, and because getting things ready for Mark is all I really think about I guess I've sort of forgotten about the blog. I know, I suck.

A friend of the family (I call her my aunt) reminded me today, though. She told me that she loves reading this and that she would like to see me writing on it again. And I want to! I just have to remember that it exists, ha.

I'll be 38 weeks on Thursday, and I have my check-up tomorrow. I have cleaned my room, set up all of my baby things, gotten everything up for the hospital bags (I just need the actual bags to place the stuff in). Everything is just about ready. And I'm ready. I really hope the ball gets rolling soon, but I know it could still be up to a little bit after the due date. I'm excited, though, because no matter what he'll be here by the end of the month! :) Well, maybe the first of next month, but still - that's not long at all!

I hope everything is going well with everyone. I definitely need to get to working on a 38 week post, stuffed with updates and pictures and awesome. I'll try my very, very best to be back then. Have a good few days in the mean time!