Last night, as I was charting tunes, I heard Quinn out in the hallway, pseudo mumbling/babbling. I went to check on him, and he was telling me about his broken CD case, and that he needed some help fixing it. So I told him I would take care of it and then I went to take him to his room and that’s when I noticed he had his bedside touch lamp on, and a book spread on his bed. I asked him why his light was on, and he told me (matter of factly) that he needed to turn on his light so he could read his bible. It was super cute, that he turned on his light and was reading, instead of going to bed. An hour or so later, I walked by his room, and saw his light was still on, so I went in. He was passed out, light on, and half lying on his big picture bible. I cherished the opportunity to pull the bible from underneath him, close it, set it aside, and turn his light off. It was so, so cute. . . and that has nothing to do with anything, other than just being a sweet moment with him

Today, I had the opportunity to lay some percussion tracks down at a friend’s studio. I was so excited, to get the chance to chart tunes, load up my gear, and head to music row once again. The last time I had done that was in early february just before I was admitted to the hospital. There’s something extremely refreshing about being able to play again, being able to work, being able to create. When I get the chance to play, like today, I honestly feel like I am beating this thing, and really winning the fight. I feel more normal than almost any other day. I feel alive and vibrant.

Music, playing drums and percussion, are so essential to who I am, are such an integral part of me, that when I can’t do that, It becomes harder to be optimistic, harder to think that I’ll ever be able to do what I was once able to do. When I play, I feel a renewed sense of energy, a renewed sense of courage . . . So to say that today was a blessing, is a gross understatement. It was a breath of fresh air to the soul.

For now, we are delaying treatment just one week, so next wednesday, we will proceed with Chemotherapy Round #12, and then a CT scan just shy of two weeks later. My stomach is in knots as I type this out, already worried of what the outcome might be on that CT scan due to having to delay treatment . . .

However there is a little silver lining to the whole issue at hand. For starters, most patients on this kind of chemo have to start delaying treatment around round 5 or 6, due to increased neuropathy (sp?) in their hands and feet (which is a tingling sensation that basically feels like your extremities are always asleep. If not kept in check, it can lead to permanent nerve damage in the long run). The fact that I was able to go as long as I have, without having to take a forced break, is truly a blessing, as it has kept hammering away at the cancer. They are going to make a small change to the dosage of one of my drugs, decreasing it by 20% (which freaks me out) so that hopefully we won’t have to skip any more weeks, and there is a good chance that we will not lose any effectiveness of the drugs working together overall. That’s the medical silver lining . . . there’s still hope, even though i feel a gnawing in my stomach that thinks otherwise -

This also means that I have an extra week of “good” feeling family time, and in addition to that, I have picked up some session work for tomorrow (friday), which has me thrilled to no end. There’s a slim possibility of maybe some more work coming in early next week, which if that is the case, I will have lots to keep busy with, and most of all, I get the chance to play again and hang out with some people whom I have not been able to hang out with in a long time. It is a blessing, and it brings an aspect of joy to some otherwise disappointing news.

That being said, please pray for us, for me, that I would not worry so much about missing a week of treatment, that I would trust God implicitly in His plan with all of this (much easier said than done for me right now). Pray that I would also make sure to take advantage of the time this week to spend with wendy and Quinn, and that I wouldn’t try to cram it so full of work and lunch appointments, that I miss out on some amazingly critical family bonding. Thank you so much in advance for your prayers, and for walking with us, especially over the next few weeks with delayed treatment schedules and CT scans just around the corner. Thank you -

It is rare, these days, that we both have an incredible sense of peace, and rest, settle upon us as it did tonight. It is also rare that we find that peace to run so deep, that it is restful. Usually one of us will be more ‘level headed’ than the other, or more peaceful about a turn of events, and thus able to help the other on through whatever is going on at the time. Tonight, we both were blessed beyond measure. We found our spirits restored by the community of believers who rallied around us tonight. I found myself with tears in my eyes several times, just amazed at how many people had traveled for the event, had taken time out of their week to be there, and how many were loving on us just by being present. We are so, so grateful . . . yet I feel I am failing at trying to convey how deep, how wide, how immense our gratitude is . . .

Tomorrow morning, we head into Vanderbilt for another round of Chemotherapy. It is daunting, every time. I know that I have several days ahead of me that are going to be incredibly challenging, and incredibly rough, but I am encouraged beyond measure, and I will have tonight to carry with me through these next few days. I will have so many conversations to look back on, so many encouraging remarks to remember, so many memories to help sustain my spirits. God has used tonight to strengthen me for another bout with the drugs this week, and for that, there are no words to explain how incredible it is to be heading into this armed with positive experiences to combat depression, and loneliness.

Thank you again, for your prayers, for being Christ to me and my family, to extending his Grace and Mercy to us by being the body of Christ. Thank you for walking with us. There is nothing sweeter, than having countless brothers and sisters in Christ to walk with you through dark trials – thank you, thank you , thank you . . .

For those of you who might live too far away to travel to the show, or are home with sick kids or can’t make it for some other reason, have no fear!! You can stream the concert LIVE tonight online by heading to this page. The pre-show broadcast will start at 6:00 pm CST, and the concert will crank up at 6:30 pm CST. So feel free to tune in, catch the show, and be a part of everything from wherever you may be tonight! We’ll miss seeing you at the show, but are super excited to be able to offer this alternative for you !!

Thanks again, so much, to the countless volunteers who have already started setting up this morning, and for those who are there all day, and the tons of people who will be there tonight helping with parking, set changes, production, sound, the Team Emmett wear table, Silent auction teams and the countless others who are working behind the scenes to make things run smoothly this evening. We are super excited to see everyone tonight, and can’t wait to kick things off!

See you at The Warehouse!!

Stream the Courage to Conquer Benefit Concert LIVE :: 6:00pm CST :: http://video.worshipstream.com/channel/teamemmett

Also, remember that starting at 5:30, you can get Chick-fil-a sandwiches for dinner! You can also peruse the great Silent Auction items that will be available in the lobby and even grab your Team Emmett gear before it gets too crazy! Doors Open at 6:00 and things are going to get rolling at 6:30. Seating is General Admission, so first come first serve for your choice of seats.

Wendy and I, and Quinn of course, are all super excited about tomorrow night. We’re gearing up for an incredible evening of music from the amazing lineup that we have. As a side note, We will be streaming the concert LIVE on the web, so for all those who live too far away to travel, feel free to tune in and catch the show LIVE online tomorrow evening at 6:30 CST. We’ll post the link tomorrow for you to be able to find it SUPER easily. and, if you feel like you want to donate while you’re watching you can do so here.

We look forward to seeing as many of you who can make it tomorrow night. We’ll be there for sure, so make sure you say hey !

This past week has been a pretty good one overall, it’s had its shares of rough nights/mornings, but it has been a pleasant off week to say the least. I’ve been able to hang out with some good buddies of mine this week, and the weather was cool enough that I got to spend time outside goofing off with Quinn, doing some minor yard work, and in general just enjoying the out of doors. I so can’t wait for fall to get here. It is DEFINITELY my favorite season of all, and this year even more so. I have spent much of the summer indoors due to my in ability to handle the high temps well while I am on and off chemo.

Today is a particularly good day. For the first time since February, I sat behind my kit this week, early on, and got the chance to play for about an hour and a half. It was so much fun, to be able to swing sticks again, and to play, really play. Today I had the chance to serve on the worship team at our church (Grace Community Church). I have to admit, it was a gift to my soul, and my spirit to be able to worship through playing the drums again. I feel most grounded, most satisfied, most at home and in my ‘element’ when I can worship through playing. Somehow, the way I am wired, I have to worship while playing. It’s not that I just want to, or just really like, I have to. I was blessed by the Lord to be able to partake in worship like this again today, it was such a sweet, sweet time.

And lastly, but certainly not least . . .
This Tuesday, two days from now, is the Courage To Conquer Benefit Concert. You can still buy Pre-sale Tickets today, and monday, but monday evening at Midnight, those ticket sales will close, and you’ll have to wait and get them at the door. So be sure to hop online and get your tickets here so that you don’t have to wait in line and you can be sure to get there early enough to munch some Chick-fil-a sandwiches for dinner and peruse the Silent Auction tables and put your bids in early! All the seats are general admission, so you’ll want to be there when the doors open at 6:00!

So there you have it! It’s been a great week so far, and there’s a great concert that we’re looking forward to going to with an incredible line-up of musicians. Thanks again for following along with us, praying with us, for us, and encouraging us when things get rough here. We are so, so grateful for the community that has surrounded us, and that includes all of you!

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I promised Emmett that if I were going to quote something fancy like this book that I would also confess that I just forced him to watch Cinderella Story. Yes, the one with Hilary Duff. I’m strangely enthralled by super cheesy movies about high school that are simultaneously ridiculously awful and relentlessly optimistic. That confession being over, Emmett will now allow me to continue on another note.

Maybe I should post that quote again so that you can clear your head of some really bad movies that just popped into it.

It is in these afflictions, which succeed one another each moment, that God, veiled and obscured, reveals himself, mysteriously bestowing his grace in a manner quite unrecognized by souls who feel only weakness in bearing their cross, distaste for performing their duty, and capable only of the most mediocre spiritual practices.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I picked up this book on a whim tonight when I had the rare hour to be idle thanks to an amazingly gracious husband who put Quinn to bed.  I read a few chapters with mixed feelings, but I was reminded that it is precisely in the disruption of our lives that God is most at work.  It is in living each moment, especially the unpleasant ones, focused on our savior that we are sanctified.  Small reminders like this help us keep going through rough weeks.

So I’ll leave you tonight with a prayer that de Caussade writes at the end of one of the chapters.

O Divine Love, conceal yourself, leap over our suffering, make us obedient!  Mystify us, arouse and confuse us.  Shatter all our illusions and plans so that we lose our way, and see neither path nor light until we have found you, where you are to be found and in your true form – in the peace of solitude, in prayer, in submission, in suffering, in succor given to another, and in flight from idle talk and worldly affairs.  And, having tried all the known ways and means of pleasing you and not finding you any longer in any of them, we remain at a loss until, finally, the futility of all our efforts leads us at last to leave all to find you henceforth, you, yourself, everywhere and in all things without discrimination or reflection.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I slept wednesday evening, through most of Thursday, and the first part of Friday. It was weird sleep, fraught with odd dreams, delusions, and a mingling of other things here and there. My brain is slowly waking up again, and is shaking off the chemo fuzzy headedness. I am already growing restless in our house, tired of being cooped up, but knowing that trying to push too hard this early will usually only delay my recovery. I am constantly learning the balance of pushing myself and resting up, and I hope and pray every round that I will cover faster, so as to spend the one week I have with my family, so that I can make the most of what little time I am given to love on wendy and Quinn before I am laid up again for a week. It is a brutal, and unforgiving cycle. I pray that these treatments will continue to work, to continue to remove the spots on my liver, to remove this cancer from inside me.

I am thankful for my friends, who call and email and encourage me, and if nothing else, just live life alongside of me, reminding me that there is more to it than worrying about cancer every waking moment. I am thankful for my wonderful wife, who watches over Quinn as I recoop, time after time, and I am thankful for Quinn, who asks me if I am still sick, who asks me questions about what the chemo does to me, and who gives the sweetest hugs and pats on the back. I still long to get behind the drumset again, to be able to play, and record, and to be able to tap into that part of me that God has designed in me.

On that note, I am going to curl up, pray, and hope that sleep envelopes me soon, so that I can make the most out of tomorrow with my wonderful family . . . and remember, it’s less than two weeks from Courage to Conquer Benefit concert, so be sure to grab your tickets, and be sure to spread the word to your friends, co-workers, family and whomever else you can think of. It will be an incredible evening to be sure! I am so looking forward to this!

cheers!

Love is beautiful, but also terrible, terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unholy to remain in the beloved. (loose quote from memory from Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard)

For many years now, I’ve prayed for God to do whatever it takes to make me more like him.  It would appear that he’s doing just that, but as Emmett said the other night, “sometimes it’s hard, but lately it has just been a lot of hard.”  Emmett has been struggling to sleep and having a lot of headaches.  Some of the chemo side effects are more intense or lingering longer.  And yet, the good moments are getting even better.  Today we were able to take advantage of slightly lower temps and humidity to go to the zoo – the first time Emmett’s been since his diagnosis.  He’s been able to watch Quinn some by himself this week while I’ve been at work.  When Emmett is feeling good, he’s really good, but things often change on an hourly basis, so it’s hard for us to make concrete plans, even on his good weeks.

We definitely feel the Lord cutting away at our hearts, rebuking our sins, and granting us fathomless grace to meet the challenges each day.  Since I started praying for God to make me more like him, though, I’ve always followed it with the prayer for God to be gentle because I am fragile and weak.  Every day we see evidence of his gentleness in the people around us, in sweet moments together as a family, and in the transformation of our own hearts.  In a way, this time is a blessing, though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  We cry a lot, sometimes on a daily basis, because true sanctification is a painful process, but it is also a beautiful process, planting hope in the driest of deserts.

We’re two rounds into this set of chemos, with two more to go.  It’s a hard place to be because the next CT scan is still far enough away to be discouraging.  This Wednesday is chemo #11, so make sure that your Team Emmett gear is washed and ready to wear.  As Emmett continues treatment the side effects get worse, as expected.  Some side effects, like numbness in his extremities, may force us to delay or alter treatment even if the current treatment is still working.  Any delay or alteration of treatment would be a huge mental setback.  Emmett struggles daily to keep fighting and these side effects are constant reminders that time is crucial in our fight.  Pray against the side effects, pray for continued, daily strength to run the race before us, and pray for wisdom to seek God and be patient with his timing.

We cannot express enough how grateful we are for your prayers.  Thank you.

So in response to our last blog post, we were contacted by a friend of ours who read the post, and has made arrangements to come and stay with us Tuesday through Friday. It is a blessing, to say the least, to have those needs met next week, especially with wendy starting to teach next week, it’s going to be a learning curve for all of us here at the house. We’ll have to learn how to balance wendy being gone half days, teaching, and me being on chemo, and still needing meds in the middle of the night. Our hope and prayer is that we would find a balance in our home life, that doesn’t stress wendy out, and that also figures in some good sleep for her to be able to function at school.

Thanks so much for praying with us for next week! And don’t forget, The concert is a little over two weeks away, so be sure to get your tickets before they’re gone!