Once your child has completed the sixth grade, he or she no longer has a compelling need to go to school. Besides, requiring your child to complete 12 years of education is unconstitutional, and when I’m President, I will eliminate this socialist mandate. Parents should be the ones making these decisions, not the government.

If your child acquires too much information, their little brains simply cannot contain it all. It spills out of their ears into little pools of knowledge, which are swept away into storm drains and out to sea, undetected by a defunded EPA. The more education your child has, the less effective the Tea Party-sponsored political ads are. If there’s two things we need our children to believe in, it’s the Christian bible and anything the Koch Brothers want them to believe.

Although I did receive my university degree, my education ceased once I got into the seventh grade. To this day, I can’t do long division or Sodoku. Your kids may not be so lucky.

In addition, studies have shown that as they get smarter, your children are more likely to become Democrats — or Jews. Why should the government spend your hard earned money on turning out a bunch of tax-and-spend liberals who won’t pick up the tab when they invite you out to dinner. Would you rather your kid be a Rabbi or a missionary? A scientist with NASA or TeaParty sign-holder? The choice is yours.

I say, let’s keep our children innocent and stupid, and filled to capacity with plenty of malignant cervical cancer cells, just as God intended.

It’s good for the economy.

For the last eighteen months, all us Tea-Partiers have been railing against so-called “Obamacare,” calling it a communistic, socialistic, Naziistic government takeover of healthcare.

But if you stop and think about it for a minute, what we were really doing is protesting against something that’s really good for us. Okay, now, before you get your barrels in an uproar, just hear me out. What we’ve been doing all this time has been — in effect — trying to defeat legislation that would benefit our families and our children, and that could some day save our lives.

What the hell were we thinking?

I have to admit, I was all gung-ho about repealing this job killing, Stalinistic legislation, but then my doctor told me my prostate is about the size of an over-ripe grapefruit and it will have to be removed.

And then I received a letter from a guy at Blue Cross informing me that their company will not be paying for the surgery needed to remove my grapefruit, and I will have to come up with $30,000 to $40,000 on my own — which I don’t have.

And then it hit me like the flash of a gun blast. I suddenly realized why the healthcare law is a good thing and why we should tell our congressmen to leave it alone: I don’t want to die.

All this time we were protesting against the government, threatening to go all Second Amendment on our representatives. That wouldn’t solve anything — the people we should be looking to snuff out are the insurance company executives.

You see, I’ve never missed a premium, yet these Nazi Capitalists decided on a whim not to provide coverage for me. There is no other way around it. If I don’t get this humungous gland taken out of my body, the doc says I only have a few months to live.

Then my neighbor, who’s an attorney, told me that — under “Obamacare” — my insurance company cannot refuse to cover my medical bills. He sent them a nasty letter on my behalf and the insurance company backed down and apologized for their “error.”

Fuck Sarah Palin and her “Death Panels.” Not only is that untrue, but it’s complete and utter nonsense. Does anyone really believe this legislation will give some Washington bureaucrat the decision over who will live and die? That was such a stupid, over-the-top fabrication, I am really incredulous at how we all fell for it — and really pissed that John Boehner and Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh got us to believe it so much that we acted like idiots, putting teapots on our heads and carrying stupid signs.

The people who have been doing all the deciding as to who will live and who will die don’t work for the government; they work for the insurance companies!

But if the healthcare law is repealed, my insurance company can change its mind again and deny me coverage. Some guy in a cheap suit and skinny tie somewhere will decide that 46 years is long enough for a guy like me — with a rotting prostate — to live.

So for God sakes, if not for any other reason than to save my own life, I’m asking all the representatives to vote against the repeal of the healthcare law. We need to keep our precious healthcare reform. Forget the rallies I put together, the letters I wrote to the editors of all those blogs, the protest I attended in front of that burning effigy of Ariana Huffington. I now realize the error of my ways.

Thank god President Obama and the Dems didn’t give up so easily; I understand now what they were fighting for, and I hope the Republicans fail in their attempt to repeal the historic healthcare legislation passed by Obama and the Democrats in the previous session of Congress.

As I write this, the cancer is no doubt metastasizing from my pulpy prostatic rind, creeping slowly upward through my guavas and on to my kiwis. But once the surgeons cut me open and take it out, they say I have a great chance to fully recover.

Then after that, we can work once again to repeal this job-killing, fascist government takeover of healthcare.

We as Republicans, under the guise of a separate entity known as the Tea Party, offer the following:

A Plan to Improve the Constitution

• We will repeal and replace the First Amendment with the Second.
• We will add Fox News as the newly created fourth branch of government.

A Plan to Improve Race Relations

• We will bring back the word “Negro.”

A Plan to Support Capitalism and the Free Market

• We will change the Motto of the United States to “Buyer Beware.”

A Plan to Keep our Nation Secure at Home & Abroad

• We will convert all Muslims to Christianity to thwart their attempts to take over the world.
• We will employ Rand Paul’s bodyguards to stomp on the heads of people we don’t like.

A Plan for Gays and Lesbians

• We will declare homosexuality a disease and prohibit gay people from marrying until there’s a cure.

A Plan to Stop Out of Control Spending & Reduce the Size of Government

• We will prohibit government intrusions into the lives of people who make over $250,000 a year.

A Plan to Support Issues Important to Woman

• We will appoint Newt Gingrich to fill position as first “Women’s Health Czar.”
• We will affirm that life begins at ejaculation.
• We will appoint Justice Clarence Thomas to fill position as first “Porn Czar.”
• We will declare Bristol Palin the winner of “Dancing with the Czars.”
• We will provide makeover for Sharron Angle so she looks more like Christine O’Donnell and Sarah Palin and less like a shriveled apple witch doll.

We will uphold our principles and fight for all American’s, be they white, caucasian, male or Christian.

According to the website for the non-profit Defining American Marriages Nationwide, Proposition 8.5 — which will appear on the ballot in November — declares that “Vaginal-Penile Intercourse can only be defined as being between a man and a woman.”

“We learned our lesson the last time out,” said DAMN Chairman Richard “Dick” Peter Johnson, referring to the defeat of Proposition 8 in the courtroom. “This time we’re being meticulous in the specificity of our wording.”

According to a copy of the proposition obtained by TheSkunk.org, the “Defense of Heterosexual Copulation Act” would amend the state constitution, making it illegal to apply the term “Vaginal-Penile Intercourse” to the sex act when performed by anyone other than a man and woman.

“These gays have so many more ways to ‘do it’ than we do,” lamented Johnson. “They have penile-penile, vaginal-vaginal, penile-anal, vaginal-anal, anal-anal, oral copulation, mutual masturbation, public displays of affection and thousands of other deviations I’m sure I’m leaving out. We’re just asking for one that we can call ‘our own.’”

Johnson believes the new legislation would be “lawsuit proof.”

“God ordained Vaginal-Penile Intercourse to be between a man and a woman,” he said. “Who can argue that?”

One group that intends to argue it is the Association of American Lesbians, that claims the law would discriminate against their rights to use artificial penises and so-called “strap-on” dildos with their partners.

When AAL opposition was brought to his attention, Johnson threw up his arms and sighed. “We never thought of that,” he admitted. “Who knew they had artificial penises?”

If defeated, Johnson promises to be back again with a more specific proposition.

Prop 8.75, scheduled to appear on the ballot in 2012, will mandate that “the relationship between a man and a woman can only be between a man and a woman. ”

“It’s iron-clad,” declared Johnson. “No one can touch it.”

No one, that is, except for the Organization for Transgendered Individuals, who claims the law would unfairly exclude its members and is preparing to file court papers.

“Goddam it!” exclaimed Johnson, who remained defiant. “If we can’t get that one through, we always have Prop 8.99, which defines the words ‘man’ and ‘woman’ as nouns.”

To date, no organization has objected to “The Words ‘Man’ and ‘Woman’ are Nouns Act,” and “that’s just fine” with Johnson.

“I’m just hoping some crazies don’t come out of the woodwork and try to use them as adjectives,” he added.

What the liberal media won’t tell you, however, is the real cause of the financial meltdown in this country is illegal immigration from south of the border. That’s Mexico, for those of you who may not have finished grade school. That’s right, let me say it again: Mexicans caused the recession. Not the Irish, not people from Guam.  Mexicans. More specifically, those Mexicans who are violating the law by residing in this country without so much as a NetFlix account.

Illegal Mexicans.

Criminal Mexicans.

No-DVD-for-you Mexicans.

For years, our inept federal government has been unable to prevent these undocumented anti-Gringos from crossing the border into Arizona, decapitating local cab drivers and stealing their taxis.*

Under cover of night, these brown-skinned trabajadores are able to evade detection while driving their stolen vehicles to New York City. Once in Manhattan, they hang out on the corners of Wall Street and Broadway, looking to score a day job at Goldman Sachs or Citigroup. From there, shady coyotes hire them to trade futures, options and junk bonds, not to mention oil and uranium commodities.

These illegal Mexican day laborers have for years been able to operate under the radar, dealing in the clandestine world of derivativos and other exotic financial instruments — work that could have gone to Americans — reaping for themselves an American Dream to which they are not entitled and wreaking havoc on the erstwhile sound economy bequeathed us by two generations of Bush presidents and Theodore Roosevelt.

After killing the very soul of our financial system, what’s next for these dark, decapitating investores? Who’s headless body will be forced out of a Yellow Cab next? What undisclosed hedge funds will turn up in a salvage yard outside of Tucson?

No amnesty should be granted these enemies of capitalism. Government programs to teach them English or how to walk without dragging their knuckles should be discontinued. We need to stop allowing them to play the stock market, and all their Schwab One accounts should be immediately closed.

Until our lawmakers put some teeth into immigration laws, risky illegal Mexican Wall Street undocumented day laborer derivative trading will continue to pull us into the pit of financial doom, and with it, our very Republica.

______________________________________________________

* This has been fully documented by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, who is so concerned for the safety of her citizens, she won’t disclose the details of the beheadings — where they occurred or who the victims were — or speak to the press or be seen in public.

The participants in the “Best to Come” survey sponsored by CNN and the New York Times — all men between the ages of 18 and 80 — overwhelmingly preferred to objectify the Republican Tea-Party senate nominee from Delaware than the failed governor of Alaska and defeated vice presidential candidate.

“She belongs in the ‘Tease Party,’” quipped one of the surveyed masturbators when describing O’Donnell. “Those perky lips clearly weren’t created for oratory.”

“Every time she says ‘masturbation is a sin,’ I masturbate,” explained a college freshman from Virgina, who admitted having O’Donnell’s picture hanging opposite the toilet in his dorm bathroom. “And when she talks so seductively about the growing federal deficit, something else starts growing, as well — if you know what I mean.”

The study shows that subscriptions to adult magazines and visits to pornographic websites have dropped dramatically since O’Donnell won the Republican primary election earlier this month.

“Why subscribe to Penthouse,” asked another survey participant, “when you can catch a few moments of her on MSNBC or the Bill Maher show?”

“What does Christine O’Donnell have in common with my penis?” joked the university student. “Every time they make a public appearance, they’re whacked!”

O’Donnell hasn’t yet responded to the survey, but Palin issued a statement condemning the study, asserting that compulsive masturbation “sounds like socialism to me.”

“Sheer nonsense,” said the director of the board, Dr. Johann Brouhah, PhD. “Al Gore and his so called ‘Scientists’ are so sure that gravity exists, yet they completely ignore the fact that heavy things just naturally drop.”

In testimony made before the Pismo Beach Chamber of Commerce, Dr. Brouhah said, “There is no gravity. For the past ten thousand years, Earth has gone through a period where heavy things fall downward. Every home-schooled child knows that. There is no invisible force. These fairy-tale promoting, everybody-should-have-health-care liberals would have you believe in some supernatural mumbo-jumbo that the larger the planet, the more powerful this mythical, pseudo-scientific pulling effect.”

“I have personally made over seven thousand mathematical calculations,” he continued, “and none of them supports this alleged ‘Theory of Gravity’ — something that was first proposed by a tree-hugger named Isaac Newton over 400 years ago. Applying this ancient mysticism to today’s world are the same feed-the-hungry, shelter-the-homeless progressives who keep ruining our economy. If these gun-controlling, protect-the-rain-forest freethinkers spent more time locating places to drill for oil and less time watching ‘Star Wars,’ this country would be a lot better off.”

Dr. Brouhah ended his testimony by telling officials that his goal for the rest of his life is to “stamp out this whimsical fantasy of gravity” so that after he dies, his spirit will “float up into heaven, where I will be met with a chorus of singing angels who will lead me on a shimmering path to visit my deceased relatives.”

According to the website for the non-profit Defining American Marriages Nationwide, Proposition 8.5 — which will appear on the ballot in November — declares that “Vaginal-Penile Intercourse can only be defined as being between a man and a woman.”

“We learned our lesson the last time out,” said DAMN Chairman Richard “Dick” Peter Johnson, referring to the defeat of Proposition 8 in the courtroom. “This time we’re being meticulous in the specificity of our wording.”

According to a copy of the proposition obtained by TheSkunk.org, the “Defense of Heterosexual Copulation Act” would amend the state constitution, making it illegal to apply the term “Vaginal-Penile Intercourse” to the sex act when performed by anyone other than a man and woman.

“These gays have so many more ways to ‘do it’ than we do,” lamented Johnson. “They have penile-penile, vaginal-vaginal, penile-anal, vaginal-anal, anal-anal, oral copulation, mutual masturbation, public displays of affection and thousands of other deviations I’m sure I’m leaving out. We’re just asking for one that we can call ‘our own.’”

Johnson believes the new legislation would be “lawsuit proof.”

“God ordained Vaginal-Penile Intercourse to be between a man and a woman,” he said. “Who can argue that?”

One group that intends to argue it is the Association of American Lesbians, that claims the law would discriminate against their rights to use artificial penises and so-called “strap-on” dildos with their partners.

When AAL opposition was brought to his attention, Johnson threw up his arms and sighed. “We never thought of that,” he admitted. “Who knew they had artificial penises?”

If defeated, Johnson promises to be back again with a more specific proposition.

Prop 8.75, scheduled to appear on the ballot in 2012, will mandate that “the relationship between a man and a woman can only be between a man and a woman. ”

“It’s iron-clad,” declared Johnson. “No one can touch it.”

No one, that is, except for the Organization for Transgendered Individuals, who claims the law would unfairly exclude its members and is preparing to file court papers.

“Goddam it!” exclaimed Johnson, who remained defiant. “If we can’t get that one through, we always have Prop 8.99, which defines the words ‘man’ and ‘woman’ as nouns.”

To date, no organization has objected to “The Words ‘Man’ and ‘Woman’ are Nouns Act,” and “that’s just fine” with Johnson.

“I’m just hoping some crazies don’t come out of the woodwork and try to use them as adjectives,” he added.