The Tech Horn

Poor David Cameron...

2009-11-06T04:03:00.001-08:00

His time at Eton must have been terribly lonely. Simple logistics dictate that, as a left-hander, he would always have to face out during circle-jerks.

There's a special Tech Horn prize for any comments managing to work that imagine into a decent metaphor.

Don’t patronise people who’ve recently lent you £17 billion.

2009-10-29T04:22:00.000-07:00

Just got an email from LloydsTSB, asking if I wanted to set up a meeting with their “Financial Health Specialist” to help me manage my money.

Forwarded it on to their chief exec Eric Daniels, asking if he wanted to set up a meeting with my “Due Diligence Specialist” to help him not buy any more big piles of toxic shit.

Welcome to Scotland, you prick

2009-10-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

Just watched a new party political broadcast by the SNP. It basically consisted of a haircut with a chin running through a lovely village and up a mountain, from which he shouted “Scotland”, while all the people who had cheered him along look on proudly. At the end, you hear his call reverberating around outside the Palace of Westminster, where a young (presumably) English couple look scared.

The merits of independence aside (let’s leave that for another day) this advert tells us a few things:

That the closest Scotland gets to a positive self image is basically Monarch of The Glen.
That our communities are close, caring and – above all – white.
That the English are bastards.

On that happy note, Alex Salmond goes on to explain why only the SNP can dig Scotland out of the economic disaster the UK Government has created, because Westminster is “constantly holding us back”.

HBOS, Alex. RBS.

Mail hack blames Gately death on gay marriage

2009-10-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

The chaps on the fantastic Daily Mail Watch really have all the bases covered when it comes to exposing the horrible tricks the paper uses to keep its readership in the dark. But they’ve not got around to this particular story by Jan Moir yet, so I thought I’d just share it while it’s still hot.

I’d strongly recommend you gird your loins and read it for yourselves. In a nutshell though, it’s saying that the untimely death of Stephen Gately is sad because he was young, but was really to be expected, what with him being a pervert and everything.

It kicks off fairly mildly (for the Mail) – putting Gately’s death into the context of celebrity substance abuse. This is okay-ish, as the current thinking is that he choked on his own vomit after a night of heavy drinking, even though this is hardly large living on the scale of Amy Winehouse, for example. So, this is going to be a story about the decadence and excess of celebrity then? Hypocritical for a paper which lives off celebrity gossip, but par for the course.

Then things start getting a little nasty:

"Although he was effectively smoked out of the closet, he has been hailed as a champion of gay rights, albeit a reluctant one."

The clear innuendo here is that, as he spoiled the media’s fun by choosing to beat the tabloids to the story, he should at least have been given a spot of public humiliation. I simply can’t imagine why he chose not to discuss his sexuality for so many years.

The story gets uglier still when Jan Moir starts playing around with the word “natural”, as in “natural causes”; the outcome of the Spanish post-mortem. She uses this word several times, in and out of context, then really hits it home, setting the tone for the rest of the piece, with this delightful little number:

"Whatever the cause of death is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one. Let us be absolutely clear about this. All that has been established so far is that Stephen Gately was not murdered.

And I think if we are going to be honest, we would have to admit that the circumstances surrounding his death are more than a little sleazy."

So we slide effortlessly from “natural” as a term for describing the cause of death to “natural” as a moral measure of the circumstances surrounding it.

Having conflated “sleazy” and “gay”, Moir than descends into pure innuendo, implying that Gately’s grieving civil partner brought another man back to their apartment for sex, while Gately himself lay in the next room choking to death. Of course, rather than “they were having sex”, she writes “it is not disrespectful to assume that a game of canasta with 25-year-old Georgi Dochev was not what was on the cards”. Stating it plainly would require some evidence. And she has none at all.

Having dealt with Gately’s husband, the spotlight of Moir’s baseless speculation turns on his parents.

"Gately's family have always maintained that drugs were not involved in the singer's death, but it has just been revealed that he at least smoked cannabis on the night he died.

Nevertheless, his mother is still insisting that her son died from a previously undetected heart condition that has plagued the family."

Right. Because cannabis is lethal. His mum probably sold it to him too.

But surely Jan, there’s some sort of wider lesson we can draw from this tragedy? You bet your boots there is. The “real sadness”, she bleats tearfully, “ is that it strikes another blow to the happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships”.

It turns out that this whole mess is down to “gay activists” going around convincing people that same sex relationships are the same as heterosexual relationships. “Not everyone” these activists apparently claim “is like George Michael”… Eh? The beard? A former member of Wham? What do you mean Jan?

And if that weren’t tasteless enough, she then brings up the recent death of Kevin McGee, Matt Lucas’ former partner, as some sort of evidence that something unspecified is fundamentally rotten about the very idea of gay marriage.

Ipso facto. QED.

This despicable article works by mauling Gately’s character – quite gently at first, then by assuming that homosexuality automatically brings polygamy and casting his family and supporters in the role of conspirators. On this basis, Moir is then free to imply any explanation she chooses, regardless of how little real information or evidence she has.

BOOTNOTE:

In fairness, the comments section (which, as a rule, tends to pick up on the journalist’s innuendo and repeat it in less regulator-friendly terms) was generally damning of the story, which restored my faith in humanity just a little.

But that’s not to say there weren’t a few corkers in there. Apart from the predictable “you’ve said what everyone is thinking – stand up to the PC brigade!” yawn, this one stood out for being simultaneously psychopathic, homophobic and slightly camp.

“Whilst no one likes to see someone die so young, I have to say that I saw Stephen Gately in Joseph, and he absolutely murdered the songs.”

Derren Brown: A correction and apology

2009-09-22T02:35:00.001-07:00

Actually, I take it all back about Derren Brown – he’s a genius. He was able to reach out, through my quite ordinary TV set, and plant the suggestion in my subconscious mind that I should punch him in the face. Remarkable.

It's like magic, but crushingly dull

2009-09-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

I really don’t want to jump on the “Derren Brown is an absolutely massive twat” bandwagon, but we all sometimes have to do things we don’t want to.

Of course, nobody actually expected him to reveal exactly how he pulled off the lottery trick in his special C4 broadcast on Friday night. But I’d at least hoped for some insights into the techniques he used to throw us off the scent. As has been widely discussed, there was a lot packed into that original 10-minute broadcast, in terms of what he said, what he didn’t say and the setup itself (two wobbly cameras and a bare studio etc).

What we actually got was an hour of flimsy ‘experiments’ and embarrassing pseudo-mathematical, pseudo-psychological guff. “I could spend the entire hour explaining how Deep Mathematics works…” said Derren. Actually, that’s not a bad idea - why don’t you?

We learned absolutely nothing, apart from (possibly) a coin-flipping parlour trick. The only people who could possibly have believed Brown’s line were the 24 poor schmucks given the full benefit of his (clearly effective) powers of manipulation, whose collective “wisdom” correctly predicted the winning numbers.

But – and let me be 100% clear about this – it’s not a problem that he faked it. It’s just a trick and there’s no way he could have revealed his prediction ahead of the draw, simply because he didn’t know what the results would be. That’s a given.

The problem is that there are several perfectly mundane and obvious explanations for the Lottery trick, which have been dealt with (and reproduced) in great detail elsewhere online. Few people believe in magic, but the trick denied us even the challenge of working out possible solutions. The question of ‘how’ is now largely redundant, so where does that leave us?

Disappointed with the “event”, certainly, but more disappointed with Brown himself. I’ve always had mixed feelings about the man: I like magic tricks and dislike people who claim to have actual psychic powers, which makes Brown’s shtick very appealing on paper. But it’s always made me slightly uncomfortable and now I realise why.

He’s very smug about psychics, spiritualists and other charlatans of the brain and constantly bangs on about how much hard work he puts in, reminding us that it’s a skill rather than a gift. But in a sense, this is his greatest piece of misdirection, because he’s still asking us to indulge in precisely the kind of magical thinking a more traditional performer would. The fact that Brown’s ‘powers’ are dressed in a more acceptable (but wafer thin) veil of self-conscious almost-science does not mean they require any less of a leap of faith in order to work.

Although the lottery trick was clearly achieved through technology of one kind or another, I desperately wanted there to be more to it than that – some mental slight of hand which just convinced us he’d picked the right numbers. But ultimately, this was a trick requiring no special insight or skill – it was something any of us could have planned and executed with enough resources.

Just like David Blaine’s transition from close-up street magician to That Guy on the Pillar, Derren Brown has been forced to abandon the ideas which made him interesting, in the pursuit of spectacle.

"CLAKRSON FOR PM - LOL!!!", says report

2009-08-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

The UK Government’s controversial Food Strategy document has been opened up to users of the BBC’s ‘Have Your Say’ message board, in a move described by the Home Office as a “bold and forward-thinking experiment in direct democracy”.

Under the initiative, users of the internet forum are being given the opportunity to edit the document, to reflect the views of “ordinary people”, before it is finalised later this year.

Among the first round of changes is a new concluding paragraph in the section titled ‘Public spaces for sustainable communities’. As well as a pledge that more paved public spaces will be turned over to community allotment projects, the document now expresses its concern over “kids cycling around the cul-de-sac like maniacs. There’s bound to be a fatality and whose fault will that be? The parents, that’s who.”

In another section, “Food equality for social justice”, the report now asks “Why is everybody too afraid of the PC-brigade to say the obvious? ASDA selling a metric tonne of BBQ meat for £4 isn’t the problem here – it’s immigration. A programme of mandatory sterilisation for everyone I don’t know would be much cheaper and more effective.”

A raft of much smaller amendments are now scattered through the report, many of which simply add “Mr Broon claims” before assertions of fact. There has also been a 3000% increase in the use of exclamation marks, as well as the appearance of a crudely rendered cock and balls, over a graph showing the effect of global warming on domestic wheat yields.

Humbug

2009-07-15T07:24:00.000-07:00

And while we’re on the subject of films, isn’t Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs a little out of whack, chronologically? While a kids’ film in which humans and dinosaurs live side-by-side (instead of being separated by, oooooh, about 65 million years) is pretty much a creationist’s wet dream, we’re surely storing up some serious headaches for the biology teachers of the future.

Maybe they’ll all fall off the edge of the Earth at the end?

Bridget Jones and the baster of spunk

2009-07-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

How exceptionally tasteless: with unemployment reaching the highest levels since records began, a recession in full swing and body bags coming back from Afghanistan, Working Title has decided to make another Bridget Jones film. The story will follow Bridget’s quest for a baby and is rumoured to feature the full range of both Renee Zellweger’s facial expressions.

For the love of Christ, haven’t we suffered enough that we now have to watch her try to breed?

What a barrel of monkeys

2009-07-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but, as I'd mentioned, a baby happened a couple of months ago, so I've been unable to work up a proper head of steam (due to a combination of unaccountable optimism, extreme fatigue and guilt about wasting my free time blogging. The novelty has now worn off).

What have I missed? Fuck-loads, apparently.

The US and Russia decided to get rid of about half their nuclear warheads, having found new and exciting ways to hasten the inevitable apocalypse. But what are they doing with them now? Keep an eye on eBay.
The UK got Pork Fever! I've read animal farm. I know how this ends.
Half of El-Gordo's cabinet left, after it became clear they were getting thrashed by a party whose one concrete policy is to slash public spending without cutting taxes. I'm going to set up a party headed by angel-faced Aled Jones, which pledges only to piss on war heroes and steal their medals. I bet I win.
Enough people voted BNP to make it worth setting aside a special island for them (not one of the nice ones though. What's that shit one off the Welsh coast? Anybody?)
There was an election in Iran. Was it rigged? Twitter thinks so, and that's pretty much good enough.
Camilla Parker-Bowles got dressed up in cammo and learned how to disarm landmines for charity. Did nobody else think that was a little odd?
Stephen Fry was declared Lord High Priest of Thoughts, transcended his corporeal form and became entirely made of Internet.
The whole MPs' expenses / second homes thing happened. Honestly - I'm quite glad I wasn't around for that. The pressure would have killed me. I'll just allude to it gently, from a safe distance.
Michael Jackson was not CGI. Who knew?

Phew.

One way traffic

2009-04-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

Zowee. More G20 fallout: Just saw a spokesperson for the Police Federation refusing to agree that police officers covering their IDs was unacceptable. Combined with the “don’t let a few bad apples colour your perception of the entire force” rhetoric which has been trotted out over the past few days, you end up with an argument under which the police are neither individually nor collectively accountable when things go wrong.

I have nothing funny to say about the idea that the police should be allowed to operate anonymously. Particularly in situations where their role is to ensure the public can exercise its democratic rights in safety.

A new kind of responsibility

2009-04-16T05:17:00.000-07:00

This is nice. Gordon Brown has finally apologised for the Damian McBride email slur thing, at an interview in Glasgow (presumably on the basis that anything said north of Newcastle immediately has 32.7% less impact, as proven by scientists). He also took “full responsibility”, thus:

…‘Asked if he took responsibility, Brown said: "I take full responsibility for what happens and that's why the person who was responsible went immediately."…

For a chunky lad, Gordon seems to have performed a positively balletic bit of doublethink here; ‘taking responsibility’ while simultaneously finding someone else responsible.

As politicians and government in general have grudgingly opened themselves up to ever greater scrutiny, we’ve gradually accepted the idea that proper ministerial responsibility isn’t really practical. If a Home Secretary resigned every time a junior civil servant lost a CD with all our banking details on it, Noel Edmonds would probably be Home Secretary by now, and that’s no way to run a country.

Which is all well and good, but “I didn’t know what my staff was up to” doesn’t really sound very statesmanlike, does it?

So, ministerial responsibility is back! But, unlike version 1.0, it no longer means “it happened under my watch, so it’s ultimately my fault”. No – welcome to a tough, macho new version of ministerial responsibility, under which ministers 'take responsibility' for cleaning up corruption and incompetence wherever it raises its head (after the event and neatly sidestepping the fact that they were, nominally, in charge).

Imagine the kind of 'taking responsibility' Dirty Harry might indulge in – that’s more where we are now. Gordon’s taking on the establishment, taking matters into his own hands and giving them a damn good shake.

See what we did there? Easy, wasn't it? Expect to see people “taking responsibility” all over Westminster very soon.

A big hello to all my new readers...

2009-04-14T06:16:00.000-07:00

My joy at welcoming you is almost as great as my dismay that the words "Asspocalypse IV" have generated substantially more search hits than anything else I've written here.

Also, my Blogger dashboard has a new tab called 'monetise'.

It must be fate.

Never say you're sorry, except for "Asspocalypse IV"

2009-04-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

Jacqui Smith. Always good value.

We seem to get one Government Minister or another on the Today Programme every morning at the moment, pointing out that they didn’t break The Rules* by spending public money on second (or third) homes.

But dear Jacqui is the only one who has to append “I did absolutely nothing wrong” with “apart from the porn, which I’ve apologised for”.

Before we leap to judgement though, we should remember that MPs do have a very stressful job**, shoulder the full responsibility (if they're ministers) for mistakes made in their departments*** and, thanks to the rigours of democracy, have relatively little job security****. So go easy on them, eh?

* As written by the very people who stand to benefit and, apparently, stating that MPs can have as many houses in central London as they and their extended families might need.

** Parliament sat for around 160 days last year. Attendance is generally far from compulsory.

*** Although, since the late 80s, not to the extent of actually resigning or, indeed, apologising.

**** As opposed to the rest of us, who move seamlessly from being fired to massively well-paid consultancy positions with shadowy international organisations, willing to pay through the nose for our connections and the veneer of respectability.

So, about this global problem...

2009-04-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

Many of the people who could have prevented the current global financial crisis, had they only worked together a bit, today held a summit in the heart of London’s financial district, in a gesture of what can only be interpreted as aggressive irony.

A bit like being offered expensive reconstructive dentistry by the man who just knocked your teeth out with a bat, we’re now being told that the G20 leaders are the only ones with the experience to save us.

But, as we’re constantly being told (in the UK at least) this is a global problem, rather than being the fault of – for example – Gordon Brown personally, a craven regulator and a legion of financial professionals whose sole aim is personal enrichment. For example.

So, while we’ve got the leaders of every single country which has contributed to this mess in the same place, this is surely a great opportunity to point in one direction and say: “You – this was your fault. Whatever the banks or hedge funds or insurers may have done, your job is to make the rules and ensure they’re stuck to. So this global problem really is absolutely your fault.”

Not that it’ll help all that much, but neither will a commitment to doing “whatever is necessary” (were the Finnish holding out for “whatever we can be bothered to do”?). Even a little apology or admission of guilt would sweeten the gruel a little.

Note to our seven loyal readers: I know, it’s not as funny when I don’t pretend to be a newspaper (which makes these last couple of posts marginally less funny than not terribly funny at all). My misanthropy is such that I’m about to bring another human being into the world, simply because I don’t see why anybody should get away with not being born (surely the ultimate existential cop-out) and, consequently, I’m rather busy.

Normal service should resume shortly, or when the lazy little sod gets a job and moves out, whichever happens first.

And tell your friends, you freeloading fuckers.

Not in the mood

2009-04-01T02:36:00.000-07:00

The UK economy is in meltdown, thanks to massive regulatory failure and unchecked greed among consumers and the businesses which serve them. The crisis follows a decade of spiralling property prices and easy access to no-questions-asked credit, which created a self-fuelling cycle of growth.

When it was revealed late last year that almost every bank was lending money to anybody who asked for it, then disguising these debts as rock-solid and selling them on, the entire financial services industry promptly retired with a massive pension.

In a bid to re-start irresponsible lending, the Government has used taxpayers’ money to buy these toxic loans, as well as giving more free cash to the banks, in the hope that they’d lend it back to us, which they haven't.

None of this has worked and the only people who were in a position to avert the crisis have yet to decide exactly whose fault it was. However, this is understandable, as they are also tackling other pressing questions, including:

A) How much of a bonus is too much? And can I at least have a few million for the things which didn’t cripple the economy? Thanks.
B) Should the taxpayer cough up for a house for my parents/lover/nanny, or would it be more tactful to just take an extra £30k on my salary?
C) Why has nobody told my husband he can get his porn for free on bittorrent?

Happy April 1st, suckers.

Anger as temperature rises at Home Office

2009-03-30T03:16:00.000-07:00

There was trouble in Westminster today, as the main thermostat control at the Home Office malfunctioned, causing the temperature to rise to uncomfortable levels. Interns and policy advisers were forced to take regular showers to cool off, while other senior civil servants complained their regulation office-wear felt “so tight”.

The situation was only brought under control several hours later, following the arrival of South African HVAC engineer, Dominick Stullion.

Said Stullion: “When I arrived, there were several young women – from the counter-terrorism team, I think – towelling off their soft golden hair and moisturising one another. I reassured them straight away that I’d brought just the right tool for the job, but that just seemed to make them more agitated. It was all quite awkward, to be honest.”

This is the third time the building's heating and ventilation system has failed this year. The problems are being blamed on the installation last summer of a large open fire, hot tub and sauna.

A word from our sponsors:

2009-03-27T05:56:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Today's news lends a certain piquancy to this one. Thanks Jacqui.

Balls: "We're only as clever as our thickest thicky"

2009-03-27T03:54:00.000-07:00

Following shocking reports that UK science pupils are unable to differentiate between a microscope and a telescope, the Government has announced a campaign to raise standards across the board, by judging all sections of society by their least worthwhile member.

From today, it will be assumed that all women smoke while pregnant and are unable to drive, that men are rapists who are incapable of wiping their bottoms properly and all ethnic minorities smell weird and want to blow us up.

Sally Brittle, a sixth-form student at Greenfields School in High Wickham, said: “I put months of round-the-clock study into my GCSEs, including my A-star in physics. But I guess if Luke Clarke in 11C has spent the past two years melting biros over a Bunsen burner, my qualifications are basically worthless.”

Ed Balls, Secretary of State for children, schools and families, commented: “Under the new rules, I’m a corrupt, incompetent, alcoholic, greedy sex pest. Am I happy about it? No. But we live in a meritocracy. I looked that up in a dictionary, and this is what that means.”

FROM THE ARCHIVES: One more zebra-legged angel in heaven tonight

2009-03-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

Charlie “Lord” Bunsenby, the celebrated proprietor of many of Britain’s best-loved travelling curiosities, has announced the tragic death of his most popular performer, Bartholomew the Zebra-Legged Boy.

The news follows several weeks of intense public concern and compassion, which manifested itself in the form of large crowds, gathering to watch Bartholomew gasp and grimace on a specially constructed platform in Trafalgar Square.

Among those anxious to pay their final respects to Bartholomew was Elspeth Chrome, a mother of nine from Chipping Sodbury.

“He’s been so very brave, letting everybody share his final, agonising moments,” she said. “It must be so terribly hard for him – almost as hard as it is for us. So we have to keep watching. He can’t be brave if nobody’s watching.”

Vesuvius Bloom, another admirer, added: “I feel like this is the end of a very personal journey I’ve taken with Bartholomew. I was there at the beginning, cheering him on as he slipped around in his own filth, trying to stand on those hilarious legs of his. He stole our hearts.”

Mr Bunsenby also used the announcement to hit back at those who have accused him of exploiting a vulnerable young man.

“Bartholomew was a very canny fellow, who had the good sense to surround himself with experts like me, whose only desire was to protect his interests. He frequently acknowledged his own lack of discernable talent, education or breeding. Despite these lowly beginnings, he died in his own cage, with a good supply of straw – if anything, he exploited me, the wily fellow!”

EDITORIAL: Leave our Carole alone!

2009-02-05T05:35:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who finds it infinitely sad that a decent, middle-aged white woman can apparently no longer compare a professional tennis player to a hilarious and harmless child’s toy in an informal, social situation? Is this what the political correctness brigade have reduced us to?

The golliwog is a much loved and endearing symbol of Britain’s multicultural approach to empire-building. Many nations would have been terrified of these curious, dark-skinned men with their long hair, strange voodoo and heathen ways. But we made dolls to celebrate their difference. I think that speaks volumes about our national character.

Indeed, if I were a black professional tennis player, I would be flattered by such a comparison.

And then we have the context. Carole Thatcher was not even on air when she made these remarks, but back stage with only 12 relative strangers. Surely, unless she is being listened to by at least 2 million people, she should be entitled to express any views she wishes in the workplace?

Not convinced? Then try this on for size. Imagine you’re a black fireman or police officer. Clearly, when fighting a blaze or wrestling a drug fiend, it’s very important to work as a team, with no time for horse-play. But could we really begrudge a little good-natured darkie-baiting back at the station? Imagine the effect on morale!

Finally and most distressingly, just look at the cabal of politically correct ‘fellow travellers’ who have appointed themselves judge and jury over poor Carole. Jo Brand, a woman who has based her entire career on making jokes about bodily functions, is among those claiming to have been offended by a simple witticism about the common and readily-apparent physical features of our coloured friends. The sheer hypocrisy!

I was at the very vanguard of those calling for the BBC to be deported following the maelstrom of depravity that was Sachsgate. How sad that the corporation seems not to have learned its lesson and continues to insult the common sense values of decent, hard working Brits. Its victimisation of Carole on the basis of her colour, class and political heritage is nothing short of naked racism and warrants, at the very least, a full and unreserved apology.

Tories hail Cameron's celeb policy love-in

2009-02-02T05:19:00.000-08:00

The Conservatives have announced a further raft of celebrity appointments to key policy positions, in a bid to reinforce the message that the Brown Government is “out-of-touch with hard-working British families”.

First up, Kerry Katona will lead a new healthy eating task force, with the aim of helping individuals live on under £5 a week, by reintroducing them to the simple pleasures of traditional British fare.

Squawked Katona: “Blimey! Thirty kilos of scampi-style breaded bites for £2! And look at this! Half a metric ton of mixed BBQ meat for under a tenner! Helps growing kids get plenty of vitamins Y, U and M!

“At least,” she added, “if mine are anything to go by!!!”

The key role of senior healthcare adviser goes to Derek Thompson, best known for his role as nurse Charlie Fairhead in Casualty.

“I love the NHS, but it clearly has a long way to go before it meets the expectations of the modern patient,” he commented. “As a matter of priority, we need to ban all office Christmas parties, helicopters and canning factories, because they always end up with someone holding their guts in with a wad of dirty napkins. I’ll also be working closely with our counterparts in America, to look at how we can increase the simmering sexual tension in UK operating theatres.”

Completing the line up, Vinnie Jones will lead a strategic review of defence spending, Joanna Lumley is to co-author a white paper on social justice with Martine McCutcheon and, finally, Jamie Oliver will head-up a ten-year study into why he’s such an insufferable, moon-faced prick.

UK urged to "play to its strengths" as pound is shelved

2009-01-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

Sterling imploded this morning, after Chancellor Alistair Darling temporarily forgot what century it was and threw “the full weight of her Majesty’s Pound” behind the UK’s astronomically indebted banks. Instead, it was announced, the country’s economy will now be based on impotent, directionless rage.

Retailers immediately scrambled to adjust to the surprise change of currency. According to the big three supermarkets, a broad consensus has now been reached on pricing, with 500g of standard beef mince costing a resigned sigh and a comment about “broken Britain”. A whole line-caught Alaskan Salmon, on the other hand, will set shoppers back by anything from a tirade about city bonuses, to a lament on “complacent civil servants and their gold-plated pensions.”

The move has already caused controversy in some quarters, with several noted economists observing that everyone in the South East of England is now a multi-billionaire.

However, the Chancellor remains bullish, dismissing opposition accusations that the move was simply a knee-jerk reaction to the crisis.

“This was a necessary, strategic adjustment that had to be made for the long-term stability of our economy,” commented Darling. “Of course other options were considered. We examined the feasibility of everybody clubbing together to buy a Euro, but someone would have had to go to France to collect it and they may have needed to buy lunch. Plus Uganda wouldn’t lend us the fare for the Eurostar.

“Then we looked at switching to a bartering economy, but realised that would basically consist of millions trying to swap value-added media market intelligence for processed cheese.

“We in the UK have a proud history of making the most of what we’ve got – and we’ve got more ill-informed, temple-throbbing bile than any nation on Earth. Let’s use that.”

Bush staffers 'prank' incoming administration

2009-01-20T04:15:00.000-08:00

Keeping a long-standing US tradition, outgoing President George Bush and his staff have reportedly “trashed” the west wing of the White house, leaving numerous light-hearted traps and practical jokes for President-elect Obama when he takes office this afternoon.

Long-time senior strategist for the Bush White House, Jeb Alsman commented: “When we arrived in 2000, there was mostly just a lot of Champagne bottles, donuts and used prophylactics lying around the place. We were still pulling brassieres out of the ventilation system in 2004. Without wishing to give too much away, I’d like to think we’ve been a bit more imaginative.”

Another source close to the Bush administration went further, hinting that President Obama might find a “hilarious” national debt of over £10.6 trillion in the closet of his official residence and that the US Army has been hidden “somewhere hot”.

Commented the source: “All I’m saying is that we massively over-ordered on Tip-Ex in 2001 and had easy access to the Bill of Rights. He might want to take a look at that pretty quickly, if you get my meaning.”

It has already been confirmed that, particularly during his second term, President Bush enjoyed using an alcove in the Oval Office as a lavatory, though this is not being considered a prank, as such.

Green crisis "a massive relief"

2008-12-04T07:03:00.000-08:00

Grateful voters spontaneously took to the streets across the UK today, celebrating Parliament’s decision to take a break from buggering up the economy, in order to argue about things nobody actually cares about. The shock waves from last week’s sensational arrest of Tory front-bencher Damian Green continue to ripple out from the floor of the Commons, travel about 20 metres, then ripple quietly back.

In a further spectacular development, The Speaker of the House gave a lengthy account of his role in the affair on Wednesday, during which absolutely no bold new bailout plans were announced and not a single thing was nationalised.

Danny Glover, a quantity surveyor from Swansea, commented: “It’s been great to have a few days without having to worry about anyone proposing radical new ways to redefine the relationship between the state and the free market. I’ve been able to knuckle down and really apply myself to being massively poor.”

However, Susan Bellicose, the MP for Chertstable, who will be chairing a committee to investigate Mr Green’s arrest, was at pains this afternoon to stress the significance of her role.

“The economy is, without doubt, the single biggest challenge facing not only Government, but every Hard Working Family in the UK,” said Ms Bellicose. "However, there are fundamental democratic principles at stake here and important questions which the public demands be answered. Did ministers have any advance knowledge of the raid? Did police follow correct procedure? Who is this Damian Green character and what, precisely, does he want?”

Meanwhile, Marion Prestwick, a neurologist from Hull, added: “My DNA and dental records are on a Government database, Somalian blackmailers have my bank and NI details on a Home Office CD-ROM, police can search me even if they don’t suspect me of procuring state secrets and I’ve got more CCTV cameras watching me than in any other country in the world. So precisely why would I give a purple spastic toss about the privacy of Parliament?”