You might have heard that RIM debuted their long anticipated slider phone, the Torch 9800, last week with a totally revamped Blackbrery OS powering it. Prior to its release, we saw the usual slew of “Will the new ‘berry make a spash?” and “RIM has a chance to shine” articles expressing how a new handset could get them back in the game.

Since the announcement, plenty of reviews have cropped up all over the intertubes. Crackberry has THE most comprehensive one, followed closely by Engadget’s very thorough (and nitpicky) version. If you want to augment your impression with other reviews, you’re welcome to, but all the information you need is in those two links.

And now time for my two cents

I felt my “Funeral for RIM” article summed up my thoughts on Blackberry fairly well, but it looks like the damn Torch will bring me out of retirement. I’ve kept up with the development of the device, read the reviews, etc, and it’s led me to howl “WTF?” a record number of times. Here are some random thoughts, in no particular order of irritation………

The Name

I’m sure I’ll eventually move on, but for now I can’t get over naming a device the “Torch” (Yes yes, plenty of other devices have stupid names as well). Hell, even the codename used while in development, Talladega, sounds cooler to me.

Alright, whatever, so you have a stupid name, it happens. Do we have some awesome pun filled marketing lines for it? For example…..

1) “The Torch will light the way for the new generation of Blackberrys!”
2) “The Torch will light a fire to the competition!”
3) “Outshine the competition, Blackberry Torch!”

Of course not, otherwise this post wouldn’t exist. Oh no, instead we get this bizarre gem…

4) “Less an evolutionary leap, more like a triple Axel”

*Insert picture of a quizzical dog with it’s head at a slight angle *

All I can say is I hope you’re a figure skating buff, because if not, that won’t make a lot of sense. Even the marketing department is failing hard these days.

There’s one last problem related to the name. The letters T O R C H look like utter garbage in the official BB lowercase font. Is it me, or does the curve of the letter O cause a slight optical illusion that makes the R vaguely resemble an S instead? Then, the R and the S compete in my mind and I see both kind of alternating. For whatever reasons (lack of sleep?), I can’t stop seeing “torsch” now. Needless to say, it’s really annoying the hell out of me.

The Overall Hardware

The Screen

As you read the remainder of this post, get ready to utter the phrase “what the hell we’re they thinking?” ad nauseum. I can’t imagine a better place to start than the screen, which happens to be not ONE, but, TWO generations behind any self respecting smart phone. Remember the Halcyon days of November 2008? It’s the last time I can recall RIM doing something called “competing”.

Here’s how it went down….

iPhone: “I have a 320 x 480 screen with 163 pixels per inch, hear me roar!”
Storm 1: “Shut the fuck up already, I’m packing 360 x 480 and have 184 ppi”

The following generation however….

Droid “480 x 854 res at 240 ppi, I am your new god!”
Storm 2: “For reals? I’m sporting the same screen as last year, 360 x 480, WTF?”

Apple was listening though…

iPhone 4 “Pfft, ok “god”, I’ll raise you to 480 x 960 and crank the ppi up to 326. Whatcha got now ya rusty old Droid?”

…yet sadly RIM remains clueless….

BB Torch “Ugh , I’m sporting the same screen from TWO years ago, 360 x 480. Why do I exist?”

I have a hunch the next Droid will step up to the plate, and the next ‘Berry will feature, you guessed it, a 320 x 480 screen.

The Processor

RIM provided an outdated touch screen as the primary interface, so why not match it with the weakest “brain” they could find?

The inclusion of 684 mhz Marvell CPU is just another in the string of bizarre hardware decisions for the Torch. I mean think it out for a moment. Your company is desperately trying to close the “superphone experience” gap with Apple and Google, so what do you do? Include a dusty, two generation old processor that will impact every usable aspect of the phone. Here’s something that truly BOGGLES my mind. The Marvell lacks a dedicated GPU, so the Torch DOESN’T even support Open GL 3D. That’s really, really bad.

I can’t fathom what type of reasoning was used to justify the final decision. I CAN guarantee, however, that a hardware engineer jumped on the table and committed ritual Seppuku during the negotiations.

The video camera

I think there’s a pattern emerging, because the phrase “two generations ago” will also be relevant for this section. Assuming RIM wanted to remain in some general parity with Apple and Android, they would have pursued one of two options.

1) Add a high Mpx camera (8 sounds nice) with HD recording ala the Droid Incredible or Droid X. This is one of the first specs that consumers look at, and they generally believe bigger is better. Who cares if a someone discovers the camera sucks after purchase, you’ve already made the sale! (Sure you can return it within 30 days, but I’ll just float a rumor that an “impending” update will fix the quality)

Anyway, I digress, this isn’t about how I would run a crooked cellphone store. Moving on….

2) Go the Apple route, which is almost the opposite of the above. Apple basically put a very high quality “back lit” sensor that allows it to offer far better performance in low light situations, the bane of cell phone Ansil Adams everywhere. On a spec sheet, it may not look as appealing as an 8 or 10 mpx device, but believe me, the word of mouth on the quality has made the rounds.

And RIM picks………neither! The camera on the Torch is a run of the mill 5 mpx that offers neither the “sizzle” of the first option, or the improved “under the hood” tech of the latter. The Droids and iPhone are both capable of shooting 720p video (24fps, 30 fps respectively), while the Torch can only capture moon landing quality at 480 x 640.

Blackberry OS 6

I’m to lazy to imagine another “hands off” review, so I’ll go easy on the OS here. I think Engadget does a wonderful job of highlighting the many oversights of the OS. For example, the unified inbox seems like a great idea, however if you want to reply to a tweet, you need to open the native twitter app and do so from there. It’s those types of silly mistakes that convey an impression of sloppy programming/bad interface design. From everything else I’ve read, the OS has universally been described as “cluttered”, “busy” and “it just looks like a fancy theme atop OS 5″.

Conclusion

Old rehashed parts, outdated industrial design, and a user interface from the Bronze Age? The conclusion is pretty obvious, if you’re into modern tech, the Torch will actually serve better as a paperweight (to prevent your Droid X rebate from flying out the office window) than a communication device.

It’s become painfully apparent that RIM is falling WAY behind on innovation. In fact, the only accolade I can bestow on the Torch is that it’s the FIRST Blackberry to be TWO generations behind its competition. That’s definitely something to be proud of, so don’t forget to take a bow before you exit stage left!

The cliche says that “A dog is a man’s best friend”, and I’m sure for someone, somewhere, it’s probably true. I’m a tech junkie, however, and that means my cellphone is the the best sidekick I could ask for. This ever faithful piece of technology has been at my side through thick and thin for well over decade. It’s outlasted relationships, traveled the world, and delivered news good, bad, and everything in-between. With all these devices have done for me, I thought it’d be fun to look back and share a few thoughts on each one.

Electronic hunks of plastic that have paraded single file through my life, this is for you. *Tips hat*

Nokia 2160

Nickname: “The Brick”
Network: AT&T
Memorable moments in combat: Ordering Chinese food for pickup from the bus.
Status: Decommissioned
Current Whereabouts: Possibly at the bottom of a milkcrate overflowing with audio cables

We all remember our first cell phone as a wondrous device that unlocked a brave new world of communication. My experience started with the hi-tech Nokia 2160 pictured to the right. While the phone (obviously) lacked abilities we take for granted in our modern era of flying cars, it did possess features such as “not having a wire”, “make calls while zooming down the highway”, and “get in touch with me at Ivan’s house, without calling Ivan’s house”. Pretty innovative stuff if you ask me.

The performance of the phone seemed fine to me, but only because I lacked a proper frame of reference. If asked at the time, I would’ve described call quality/reception as “can make out what you’re saying”, battery life as “three long calls or ten short ones”, and the interface/menu as “Gameboy-ish”

Let history also note that I outfitted the device with an awesome faux woodgrain cover, which was the style at the time.

Nokia 6190

Nickname: None
Network: AT&T
Memorable moments in combat: Can’t remember
Status: Decommissioned
Current Whereabouts: Unknown

While the “Brick” certainly had its charms, I would soon discover that newer and shinier things would follow. My sophomore phone featured a smaller form factor (the size of a Red Bull can was svelte at the time), a brighter backlight, and polyphonic ringtones (If I remember correctly).

There wasn’t a big leap in functionality, but the increased battery life (oh, a fourth long call!) and better pocket-ability were welcome additions. I also enjoyed the fixed stub antenna which was far more aesthetically pleasing that the wiry pull out one the 2160 had. The device would serve as an dependable daily driver for the following year, but overall, it was a bland and forgetful model.

Motorola Star-Tac

Nickname: “The Comm”
Network: AT&T
Memorable moments in combat: Cradling it like a Superbowl football during a vicious skateboard wipe out
Status: Decommissioned
Current Whereabouts: Possibly at the bottom of a milkcrate overflowing with old audio cables

The Star-Tac occupies a place in the pantheon of greatest phones ever made. The clamshell form factor was straight out of the year 4000, and the device was mindbogglingly light and thin. As a bonus, it didn’t fully open up (note picture), which kept it snug on the face. Talk about hands free talking, I can’t even recall the months spent gabbing away while knitting a quilt!

And then…

…I took this device up TEN NOTCHES by adding the personal organizer clip on. This component literally turned the device into a hunk of screens and buttons. Tools such as contact manager, memo pad, world clock, calender, etc were there, albeit in a crude and simplistic form. At the time of course, the functionality blew me away.

Unfortunately, I removed the organizer one day and placed it in my backpack, which I promptly lost. The add-on itself was practically the cost of a new phone, so it wasn’t getting replaced any time soon. After the loss, using the phone just wasn’t the same. I rode out the last few months of the contract and eagerly scanned the horizon for what was ahead.

Motorola T720

Nickname: None
Network: AT&T
Memorable moments in combat: Getting rid of it
Status: Decommissioned
Current Whereabouts: Hopefully the ninth dimension of hell, but probably at the bottom of a milkcrate overflowing with audio cables

On paper, the T720 was an amazing piece of tech. It had a screen with a WHOPPING 4092 colors and an even slimmer form factor than the Star-Tac. It ALSO had an external backlit LCD that would show the ID information of an incoming call. Now take a moment to absorb that last detail. Upon the phone ringing, one could glance at the nightstand, and without even TOUCHING the phone, see who was calling. Are we in the FUTURE or what?

The phone boasted other impressive specs, but unfortunately they weren’t as awesome in execution. The phone had a sluggish and poorly laid out user interface, the reception was abysmal, (likely due to the tiny stub of an antenna), and the color screen was as vivid as a shirt that’s been washed 842 times. It also had an annoying tendency to slip and turn 90 degrees if gripped too tightly. (I don’t know, imagine a lobster squeezing a lathered bar of soap, it’s the best I can come up with at the moment)

Sanyo 5400

Nickname: Can’t recall, but it must have had one
Network: Sprint
Memorable moments in combat: Filming Niagara Falls, messaging the clip to family on the other side of the planet, and getting an instant response.
Status: Decommissioned
Current Whereabouts: Unknown

A phone that will be forgotten in the dustbin of history, but was pretty damn advanced for the time. It was another clamshell similar to the T720, but that’s where the similarities ended. On the exterior, the 5400 featured a COLOR multiline LCD, and a camera with flash and video capability. Open the phone up, and you were greeted with a fabulous 65k color screen and cool blue lighted keypad. Maybe it was all Sprint PCS propaganda drilled into my head, but the reception and call quality were fantastic.

Lastly, the build quality was exceptional. While a few of the lower end Samsungs featured creaky plastic bodies, the 5400 had a solid and sophisticated metal outer shell which was anodized blue.

Blackberry 8700

Nickname: “Bat Berry”
Network: T-Mobile
Memorable moments in combat: Composing ten emails on the subway and having them fire off as soon as I got “air” again
Status: Decommissioned
Current Whereabouts: Cluttered desk at a friends house

It was with this single purchase that I crossed the digital Rubicon. I was originally interested in buying a Sidekick, which had lured me in with a giant screen, qwerty keyboard, and satisfying sliding snap. That’s until I encountered a Blackberry 7100 at a party one night, and was blown away by the sheer “gadgetness” of it. I would have grabbed that device, but I got wind of “an even better ‘berry” (8700) hitting T-Mobile shortly.

Once I got my hands on one, I was in love. The phone was a solid hunk of plastic, equally as adept at communication as it was halting the charge of an elephant with a desperate hurl. The degree of connectivity was something I’d never experienced before. Send and receive email in real-time while on the move? WOW. The color screen was gorgeous, the speaker phone was crisp, and the thumb wheel provided the same level of comfort and emotional stability that a “blankie” provides a three year old.

Blackberry Curve

Nickname: Pimpcomm 2000
Network: T-Mobile
Memorable moments in combat: Picking it up in the morning
Status: Decommissioned
Current Whereabouts: Next to the 8700 on my friends cluttered desk

After anxiously awaiting this device, I managed to grab one a few days early from a T-mobile clerk that should have left them in the back room. Let me tell you, the Curve featured the convergence I’d been waiting for. Removable memory card and a standard 3.5 mm headphone jack? Good bye iPod! A 2 mpx camera with flash? Good bye daily driver 4 mpx Sony, I’ll dust you off when it’s vacation time! WI-FI with unlimited Hotspot@Home calling over the internet and a perfect 5 bars of reception? PEACE OUT land line! In fact, the only thing I didn’t immediately love about the device was the trackball, and I got over that in 15 minutes.

Blackberry Storm

Nickname: Pimpcomm 4000
Network: Verizon
Memorable moments in combat: Streaming Qik video from the Eiffel Tower
Status: Switched to reserve duty, then damaged in action
Current Whereabouts: Acting as a paperweight on the shelf

So I was suffering from some iPhone envy, I’m only human! As tempting as it was, there was no way in hell I was 1) Giving up my BB push email and 2) Jumping ship (going back) to AT&T.

The Storm has to be one of the most frustrating devices I’ve ever come across. On the one hand, the potential was definitely there, the display was gorgeous and the click screen was innovative. But on the other hand, the software was laggy, unstable, and obviously rushed to market. Especially aggravating, was the belief in the community that the device was ONE mythical software update away from Nirvana. Each OS leak and hybrid version was hyped to be “The One”, and each consistently failed to meet expectations. The bi-weekly ups and downs were just too irritating to put up with, and I knew it was time to switch. That, and I couldn’t type on the fucking thing to save my life. A giant screen is nice, but if I can’t communicate faster than two words a minute, what’s the point?

Blackberry Tour

Nickname: None
Network: Verizon
Memorable moments in combat: None
Status: Transferred, still active
Current Whereabouts: GF’s pocket

This phone brought me home to the classic Blackberry experience I enjoyed with the Curve. It was a communication workhorse, all thanks to the return of a physical keyboard. The problem though, was that I really had exchanged one deficiency for another. So, while I could now type like a demon (which was impossible on the Storm), I quickly discovered the Tour’s small screen was unbearable. Reading an email was one thing, but scrolling scrolling scrolling through a web page with a trackball? That’s a task I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Here’s a test….

1) Take a piece of paper and cut out a 2 x 2 square
2) Hold it up to your computer monitor
3) Move it around to “surf” the page

If you want to bang your head against the desk in frustration, congrats, you need a bigger screen too!

A pity, aside of me squinting at the screen, it was a well designed device.

Motorola Droid

Nickname: None needed, “Droid” is badass enough
Network: Verizon
Memorable moments in combat:To be determined
Status: Active on the front lines
Current Whereabouts: My pocket

Not since the BB 8700, have I had such a WOW moment with a new device. I find Android’s interface, usability, and apps to be light years ahead of my previous BB’s. All the usual capabilities I’m accustomed to are there, facebook, twitter, email, chat, surf the web, etc, but the integration is just unreal. One click sharing of a web article, for example, or automatic syncing of Google and Facebook contacts, are subtle yet appreciated features. Then, I throw on a few FTP and file sync apps, and everything is wired together. Now, my phone is the ringleader of my personal information cloud. I can access any file on any of my computers, and do whatever I need to do with them, all from the comfort of the local dive bar.

(And yes, I’m aware that other phones can do these same tricks, here’s a cookie)

——————————————————————————————

So this is where I’m at now. It’s equally amazing and scary to think that in another decade, my Droid will appear as quaint as my Nokia 2160. No matter what the future holds, it’s been a blast experiencing the evolution of these devices firsthand. Here’s hoping we have many more adventures together!

The Droid X has been one of this summer’s most hotly anticipated devices. While the release date is today (happy B-day X!), we’ve had a ton of previously available information to sift through . Many respectable blogs received demo units over a month ago, the device was accidentally sent out early to a few hundred customers, and there’s even been a nationwide scavenger hunt where 21 lucky people happened to be standing right next to where VZW was standing. So, pretty much everyone else in the world has this phone except me and the stray cat across the street.

Anyway, I’m not going to let a few minor details like “holding it” or “using it” get in the way of conveying my impressions to you readers. After some info scrounging, I think I’ve come up with enough to throw an article together. Shall we dive in?

Overall design

From what I can tell looking at other reviews and augmenting them further in my imagination, the X is a gorgeous looking device. The form factor is boxy yet sleek, invoking an impression of a calculator from the year 4147. Overall, the device has a thickness of…..um, a box of Tic Tacs, but there’s a tapered “bump” at the top where the camera is housed. According to Motorola, this helps give the X an aerodynamic drag coefficient that’s HALF of the iPhone’s.

The build quality of the phone appears to be solid. In my mind, I don’t hear or feel the device creaking when typing on the screen. The buttons look to be glued on tight, and most of the ports (in pictures) seem well aligned with the casing.

I’ve included additional information in the following infographic.

The weight of the phone is listed at 5.4 ounces, which is roughly equivalent to a partially filled coffee cup. If fractions are not your forte, remember that TWO X’s = ONE full cup. If that’s still not good enough and you have the time and materials, you can fashion a crude (5 oz) replica out of clay to get a better “hands on feel”.

Screen

The first thing you’ll notice when looking online at pictures of the Droid X is the massive screen. This gorgeous TFT capacitive touchscreen comes in at 4.3 inches and has a resolution of 854 x 480, SAME as the original Droid. One could argue that I can’t judge the screen without seeing it in person, but they’d be wrong. All I need is our little friend mathematics…

Invoking the transitive property of equality (if A=B and B=C, then A=C) we can conclude that the X’s screen (being identical in resolution) looks just as nice as the original Droid’s. See? I paid attention in class.

Call Quality

We often forget the phone part of a smartphone, but voice clarity is paramount for communication. The call quality on the X should be pretty good, if only because Motorola has been making phones for 57 fucking years and should have figured it out by now. I mean all you make are phones, how could you possibly mess that aspect up?

Battery

The battery fueling the X is a monstrous 1540 mAh, which means you’ll probably get anywhere between a minute and week of power, depending on usage of course. In case you’re wondering, an ampere-hour or amp-hour (symbol Ah , A·h, A h) is a unit of electric charge, with sub-units milliampere-hour (mAh) and milliampere second (mAs). One ampere-hour is equal to 3,600 coulombs (ampere-seconds), the electric charge transferred by a steady current of one ampere for one hour. The ampere-hour is frequently used in measurements of electrochemical systems such as electroplating and electrical batteries. The commonly seen milliampere-hour (mAh or mA·h) is one-thousandth of an ampere-hour (i.e., 3.6 coulombs).

Camera

Motorola has done a great job of “staying in the megapixel race”, and the X is no slouch in that department. The camera weighs in at a hefty 8 Mpx, features a dual flash, and is even capable of shooting 720P video, albeit it at 24 frames per second.

But what type of performance can we expect in the real world? I have no idea, since I’ve never touched the device. Instead, I conjured up some fictitious review devices in my imagination. I figured the ultimate test would be to to pit the Droid’s camera against Apple’s latest offering.

The comparison shots on the right practically sell themselves. We can see that the photo quality of the X easily surpasses the iPhone in a number of key areas. The grey “pops” out with a far more life-like vibrancy, the pixel noise is practically non-existent, and the focus seems to be slightly sharper. Great job Moto!

Software

The phone ships with operating system version 2.1, which is what most Android phones are running these days. Pick up (or borrow a friend’s) your/their Android device. What do you think? If it’s slow and buggy, then the X is slow and buggy. If it’s fast and “buttery smooth”, then the X too will be fast and buttery smooth.

Many phones (including the X) will be upgrading to 2.2 in the near future. At that time you may rinse and repeat the above exercise.

Final thoughts

The Droid X, from what I’ve read and been told, is a really solid device. I think it’ll make a great addition to Verizon’s Android line up, probably because their marketing people think it’ll make a great addition. I can’t wait to get some actual hands on time with the X, possibly by playing with one at a house party or peering over a shoulder while in line at Starbucks. If I discover anything new, I’ll be sure to report back!

Dear iPhone 4 Users,

The iPhone 4 has been the most successful product launch in Apple’s history. It has been judged by reviewers around the world to be the best smartphone ever, and users have told us that they love it. So we were surprised when we read reports of reception problems, and we immediately began investigating them. Here is what we have learned.

In the following letter, we’re going to put forth the argument that the iPhone 4G isn’t flawed. Ask yourself this, would you buy a flawed device? We wouldn’t either. The 4G has been our fastest selling device with a few of our media plants even describing it as “THE BEST PHONE EVER”. Since we previously established that no one would buy a flawed device, and the 4G has sold like crazy, it stands to reason that the 4G isn’t flawed.

To start with, gripping almost any mobile phone in certain ways will reduce its reception by 1 or more bars. This is true of iPhone 4, iPhone 3GS, as well as many Droid, Nokia and RIM phones. But some users have reported that iPhone 4 can drop 4 or 5 bars when tightly held in a way which covers the black strip in the lower left corner of the metal band. This is a far bigger drop than normal, and as a result some have accused the iPhone 4 of having a faulty antenna design.

Without providing a scintilla of evidence, we’ll make a vague assertion that “all phones” suffer from this problem. While we acknowledge claiming “theirs sucks too” doesn’t really address the deficiencies of OUR device, we doubt you’ll take the time to google and debunk our assertion. Although we stated a moment ago that other phones lose ONE bar and ours loses FIVE, we have no CLUE how someone could make an inference to a reception problem. Anyone suggesting that a FIRST GEN antenna design could experience growing pains, is clearly in need of institutionalization.

At the same time, we continue to read articles and receive hundreds of emails from users saying that iPhone 4 reception is better than the iPhone 3GS. They are delighted. This matches our own experience and testing. What can explain all of this?

We’ve sold 1.7 MILLION devices and have received HUNDREDS of letters from people claiming that the moon is made of cheese, Jimmy Hoffa is buried under the NY Giant’s end zone, and the 4G has the best reception of any iPhone ever.

We have discovered the cause of this dramatic drop in bars, and it is both simple and surprising.

After huddling with our legal team for a few days, we’ve come up with a plausible (enough) explanation that will allow us to avoid a total recall.

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many bars of signal strength to display is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more bars than it should for a given signal strength. For example, we sometimes display 4 bars when we should be displaying as few as 2 bars. Users observing a drop of several bars when they grip their iPhone in a certain way are most likely in an area with very weak signal strength, but they don’t know it because we are erroneously displaying 4 or 5 bars. Their big drop in bars is because their high bars were never real in the first place.

For years, in an effort to boost the “appearance” of improved reception, we’ve been displaying four signal bars when you’ve really only had two. While this method has served our marketing department well, we must now switch to a new “increased reception” appearance trick. Three years from now when the iPhone 6G has a problem, we’ll claim our current technique was “totally wrong”, and the circle of life will begin anew.

To fix this, we are adopting AT&T’s recently recommended formula for calculating how many bars to display for a given signal strength. The real signal strength remains the same, but the iPhone’s bars will report it far more accurately, providing users a much better indication of the reception they will get in a given area. We are also making bars 1, 2 and 3 a bit taller so they will be easier to see.

AT&T has a more clever “formula” for calculating signal strength, so we’re going to use that from now on. Remember, If a car gets 30 miles a gallon, it also gets 48 Kilometers a mile, which is much more efficient. We also implemented graphical tweaks that will visually reinforce a stronger signal, but are really just a bunch of cheap optical illusions.

We will issue a free software update within a few weeks that incorporates the corrected formula. Since this mistake has been present since the original iPhone, this software update will also be available for the iPhone 3GS and iPhone 3G.

To further distract you from believing this problem solely exists as a 4g problem, we’ll offer a “placebo patch” to all our legacy models. This will further reinforce the impression that it’s a “reporting the bars” issue instead of a 4G fucked up antenna one. It’s our belief that admitting to FOUR defective devices makes far more PR sense that admitting to ONE.

We have gone back to our labs and retested everything, and the results are the same— the iPhone 4’s wireless performance is the best we have ever shipped. For the vast majority of users who have not been troubled by this issue, this software update will only make your bars more accurate. For those who have had concerns, we apologize for any anxiety we may have caused.

Although we’re issuing a patch, there no reason whatsoever to do so. If you think something is wrong, it’s time to take your anti-anxiety pills.

As a reminder, if you are not fully satisfied, you can return your undamaged iPhone to any Apple Retail Store or the online Apple Store within 30 days of purchase for a full refund.

We hope you love the iPhone 4 as much as we do.

Thank you for your patience and support.

Apple

We’d prefer if you’d kindly shut up and move on with your life. Since you CAN return your phone, you forfeit all rights to complain anyway. Luckily, our accounting team knows this will never happen because you’re too lazy to…

1) Google the address to return the phone
2) Look for a box
3) unable to find a box, empty an existing one
4) find a pen that isn’t dead to write the address
5) tape the box
6) walk half a block to the post office
7) stand on line with a box for 28 minutes

So enjoy your phone! Unless you’re some motived type A personality that will actually go outside, you’re pretty much stuck with it.

You may not know (or care) that this blog originally started out as a “Breaking News” tech site. Unfortunately, I realized two things after a few early posts. First, hearing and posting some tidbit of news every five minutes is really laborious. Second, I discovered that I’m a painfully slow and meticulous writer. An average article will usually consist of 5 or 10 drafts before I feel it’s polished enough to publish. I decided to leave the news to the people that were good at it, and to focus on something else. Lucky for me, I soon discovered the joy of writing eye-glazing length rants that criticize Multi-Billion dollar tech companies.

While I might not write about about the current news, I certainly keep up with the latest developments. One never knows when they’ll have to school some punk on the subway when he claims that clock for clock a Snapdragon is faster than an Omap 3630. (Pfft, those crazy kids these days!) Information is knowledge, and we should fill our heads with it until they become throbbing migraines of omniscience. So, with this segue sentence, we’re going to transition into our post topic.

Arm yourself to the teeth

You hear that tired cliche “information is knowledge” all the time (damn, I used it above didn’t I?), but it really lives up to the analogy. No matter what your interests, situational awareness of the tech world will provide a competitive edge. It goes without saying that if you run a blog/tweet about tech, you need to be in the know. Unless you’re a lotto winner, your livelihood probably depends on it. If you trade stocks, having your finger on the pulse of the industry can influence your overall strategy. Even if you just like having the latest toy, you’ll be able to keep up with the hot ones on the horizon.

Since my three airtight examples have slammed any debate shut on the importance of staying informed, the question is what do we do next?

Here’s my suggested multipoint approach…..

Mainstream websites

Most of these sites regurgitate information that was available hours earlier via other sources (don’t we all though). When they’re not crossposting each other’s articles however, they do provide their fair share of breaking news. The Boygeniusreport is a good source for Blackberry/Apple leaks, Gizmodo broke the whole iPhone 4 thing, Engadget just ran a nice exclusive on the Droid X, and I’m sure you can guess what type of news Crackberry deals with. I’ll usually gloss over the headlines of the “big four” in a round-robin style throughout the day. Android Central is also a great place to regularly check out.

KEEP IN MIND that when reading an article you should ALWAYS read through the comments at the end! You never know when you’ll stumble across a little nugget, such as a correction or a link to other related info. (Seriously, it happens)

The tech periphery

We all have interests, and while they may lead us to different areas of the tech world, they’re all still interrelated. Take some time to catch up on aspects of tech you wouldn’t normally consider important. You may not be familiar with Palo Alto Semiconductor or Agnilux, but if you appreciated the context behind their recent acquisitions by Apple and Google (respectively), you’d perk up in a second.

1) Apple buys PA Semi, a top rate manufacturer of chips
2) PA Semi manufactures the iPad’s A4
3) Some PA Semi workers split and form Agnilux
4) Google buys Agnilux
5) Hmmm, Google making a tablet?
Months later
6) Verizon CEO confirms tablet
7) Nice sleuthing! You started paying attention after #4, while most people started after #6

Here are two websites that will help flesh out your knowledge of all things tech.

Techcrunch does a wonderful job of keeping you apprised of the business end of tech. Acquisitions, upstarts, who’s getting venture capital funding, what’s new, what’s old, etc

Mashable covers the fun world of social media. All the trends, hot apps, new media start ups, etc. (warning, social media companies have crazy names like BoomBah and Trah-LALA)

Twitter

Despite the insane signal to noise ratio, if you follow the right people, you’ll always remain a tech step ahead of the crowd. The only annoying part is the “echo chamber” effect of news when you’re following a lot of people. If you’ve ever seen someone retweet “ThiS JUsT INN!! iPHOne4 LEFT aT BAR!!!” 3 weeks after the fact, you know what I’m talking about. Here’s a minuscule slice of people I’d suggest checking out. Check out my Twitter page if you want a few hundred other people to get information from.

Note: I’m only recommending these people as a starting point. I believe they’re all good sources of information, but if they’ve since switched to posting about their marble collections, don’t hold it against me.

Blackberry related
@Crucial_Xtreme
@BlackBerrySith (a.k.a Sith_Apprentice)
@Salomondrin (When he talks BB, he knows his stuff)
@berryreview

Android related
@Androidcentral
@phandroid
@Droid-life

HTC related
@conflipper

Don’t forget to check their friend lists as well. When a person has ten thousand followers but only follows 23 people, I’ll wager those 23 might be upstream in the information food chain. ALWAYS pay attention to YOUR source’s sources.

Straight from the tap

What’s the most tedious but ultimately rewarding way to glean information? Digging through the endless pages of web forums of course! While there are a million of them, I’ll go ahead and list a few that I’ve found to generate solid info. Always keep in mind that each typically consists of 70% idiots, 29% tech savvy people, and 1% “on the inside”. (i.e. there will be a ton of metric garbage to sift through, but it’s totally worth it)

Howardforums.com is hands down THE place to get information. Since I’ve switched to Android, my attention has been primarily focused on the VZW Android forums, but whatever your interest, you’ll find some good leaks. (For all you Moto Android people, any comment from Bill23, Winston25, Aixelsyd, or Matrix2004 can be taken TO THE BANK)

The Crackberry forums are obviously an amazing resource to discover all the latest in the world of RIM.

Other notable places are the Android Forums and Blackberry forums

Learn from history

The tech world is one that’s equally as dynamic as it is routine. The devices are just a variable, but the process of bringing it to market are a predictable number of steps. For example…

Blackberry 8520 clears FCC on June 30th, 2009, and is released August 5 2009
GSM Nexus 1 clears FCC on Dec 14, 2009, and is released on January 5, 2010
AT&T Palm Pre Plus clears FCC on April 1, and is released May 16th, 2010

So we can deduce that generally, there’s about a month between clearance and release. There are always exceptions, such as the Blackberry Tour that cleared FCC on May 3rd, 2009 and was released three months later on August 5 2009. That said, the next time you see a device get the FCC’s blessing, you (or your readers) can be confident it’ll be in their hands in a mere 4 to 5 weeks.

The same could be said for when a device “hits inventory”. If I remember correctly, there’s a 40 to 60 day delay. If you want to get extra crazy, you can sleuth out the nuances between the carriers. T-Mob is usually 45 days, Verizon is 60 days (perhaps a result of their infamously strict testing policy), AT&T is…., etc. (All those made up)

There are also seasonal considerations. While it’s possible that an iPhone could drop in December, and a Blackberry Storm could drop in June, in several iterations of both, it’s never happened. If we hear a rumor otherwise, your intuition should tell you to take this “news” with a grain of salt.

If you pay attention to a company’s past, you’ll find it will be a helpful tool for predicting their future.

And that’s pretty much it

By now it’s become clear that this is serious work, which is probably why I don’t want to do it. (I’m a slow and steady wins the race type of person). I’d did think this topic (and info) would make an interesting post, and would be helpful to pass it along. So go forth you next generation tech bloggers! Use these suggestions, hone new techniques, and you’ll be in the Caribbean on a solid gold yacht in no time! Just remember me when you hit the big time, maybe even post a link on your site.

In the meantime, I’ll be here doing my thing, complaining about Multi-Billion dollar tech companies and enjoying a frosty beer!

Note: I’ve updated this post to incorporate news from the Droid X event on 6/23/10.

——————————————————————————————————

Every once in awhile there’s a lull in the tech world where nothing is making me grind my teeth or shoot steam out of my ears Popeye style. During these extraordinarily brief periods, I kill time by offering up some advice to my tech brethren. While it’s not nearly as fun as berating companies, it keeps me writing and interacting with you all. So with that in mind, I’ve had some thoughts about the next generation of Android devices coming out.

Two new Android phones from Motorola will be released in the next month or two. They are the Droid Xtreme and the imaginatively named Droid 2. The Droid X was announced yesterday and will be available on July 15th. The Droid 2 remains unofficial and rumored for an end of July release.

Here’s info on the Droid X and some early impressions of the Droid 2)

I find myself, along with the rest of the internet, SALIVATING over the specs of the Droid Xtreme. I mean just look at that thing. I’d probably crawl through a tunnel of broken glass just to get my hands on it. There’s a problem though. If you bought the first Droid at launch on a two-year contract (like I did), your upgrade eligibility is not going to look pretty. Here are the options…

1) Go broke buying the DX at full retail. ($550 or so)
2) Be a loser with your 7 month old phone.

While spending the cash is the OBVIOUS move, I’ve decided to hold off from doing so. If you’re mid-contract, I suggest you do the same.

Here’s why…

My first bone of contention is that both devices lack a front facing camera. Now I know this isn’t the most important feature in the world, but I prefer to be at the same level of the other bleeding edge phones de jour. Besides, app developers are going to go crazy with a front cam, and I want in on the fun. Having one should also extend the lifespan a little, because you won’t be jonesing for the new phone that DOES have one a month later.

The second issue is they’re both rocking Android 2.1 out of the box (now confirmed for the DX, still speculated for the D2). Froyo 2.2 had some massive behind the scene optimizations put into it, but since it was just released, it’s going to be awhile until it gets to handsets. We don’t know about the Droid 2, but we DO know that the X is rocking a new version of motoblur. I was initially concerned that this might add additional delay to a 2.2 update, but Moto assured consumers that won’t be a problem. That’s nice and all, but we STILL get a vague “later summer” answer for when we can expect the 2.2 update. I experienced the Droid’s 2.0 to 2.1 debacle firsthand, so forgive me if I don’t hold my breath. The point? It may be some time until Froyo is added to either device. Even better (or worse), is that the next version of Android, Gingerbread, is getting a massive interface update. That version is scheduled to be available at the end of the year.

And finally…

I think these devices are about to get leapfrogged fairly quickly (i.e. Nexus one released 2 months after the Droid style). I’ve been doing some sleuthing around, and the word is there’s another Moto phone on the horizon called the Droid Pro (I’ve also seen it referred to as the the Droid WE (World Edition)). The word is that this will be the baddest device of the bunch. Moto is basically throwing the kitchen sink at this thing, 2Ghz processor (crazy but possible), gyroscope, front cam, the works. The information is weak at the moment, but the same trusted Moto guys that leaked info on the X and D2 are saying this thing is the real deal. It will supposedly be available around the end of the year, just in time for us Droid 1 owners to get the discount.

As always, it’s up to you

If you’re eligible for an upgrade and these devices make you feel warm and fuzzy, go for it. If you’re a gen 1 Droid owner like me, I’m not sure they’re worth breaking the bank for, especially when “the next level” might be following up right behind. A few months of patience will save you money NOW, and put a far better device in your hand only a few months later.

I’ve been drafting this post for a long time, but have held off on hitting that “publish” button. At first I was unable to explain the delay, but after some reflection, it’s obvious a little part of me is still a crackberry addict. “There’s no love like your first love” rings equally true with your first smartphone. Since you’re reading this, however, you’ve cleverly deduced that eventually, I DID hit the button. (Or you wanted to pimp out your refrigerator and mistyped “tech-rator.com” in which case you can stop reading now)

Anyway, I’ve got a simple explanation behind my decision….

It’s time for me to shut up and move on. RIM’s actions this past year have forced me to sound like the most annoying broken record ever conceived. Grab an old vinyl copy of “Take me out to the ball game”, scour it vigorously with steel wool, and play it at 78 RPM for 419 days straight. That’s what they’ve turned me into!

I’ve decided to overcome my denial, click publish, and let go…

They’re dead? What are you smoking?

Let’s get the elephant out of the room first. Yes, RIM currently enjoys 35% market share and is valued at 32 billion, counterpoints that might be important were I literally proclaiming their death. No, instead I’m invoking a far grimmer demise, one of “geek death”. This is where millions of device lovers begin a slow exodus to shinier gadget pastures, leaving a once innovative company to plummet into obsolescence. Got that? They’re as good as dead in the world of the next “cutting edge shiny thing”.

Let’s start off on a positive note

First, some faint praise that will establish a more dramatic contrast with the 97% of this post that won’t be faint praise. Research in Motion has a fantastic history and should take enormous pride in their accomplishments. The Blackberry has become a cultural touchstone, led at the forefront of mobile tech for generations, and even developed it’s own lexicon (crackberry, crackberry thumb, etc). Take a bow fellas, it might be your last!

The beginning of the end

Everyone has their theory, and mine is that death blow numero uno can be attributed to the first iPhone. While it consisted of existing components, (yes, the Nokia 5500 used an accelerometer a year earlier) the iPhone had a technological “bigger than sum of all parts” thing going for it. Needless to say the device instantly added serious competition to the mobile battleground.

As an avid Blackberry user at the time, I was confident that RIM was capable of quickly adapting to their new competitor. RIM was in the game so long, couldn’t they simply go in the lab and fetch some bad ass prototype they’ve been toying around with? Helping the situation was that the iPhone for all its strengths, lacked multitasking, cut & paste, a camera flash, 3.5 headphone jack, removable battery, and push notifications, all features my existing Blackberry had.

So the message to improve was out there, but it was uttered in a smooth Jamaican-esque “No worries, be the best mon you can be, mon” instead of a deep-space radio-garbled “My god what is THAT????” *signal lost*

I’m so tired of being wrong

The three readers (four, if I count as a proofreader) of this fine blog know all too well about what transpired next. In the past year I’ve conveyed my concern to RIM, pleaded with them, and even WARNED THEM of the competition lurking on the horizon. Whether unable to handle the truth, or completely unaware of my existence, they chose to ignore my advice and that of similar blogs. I’d say the consequences of doing so are now bearing fruit.

After the debut of the iPhone, and the critical failure of the Storm, RIM seemed content to sit around with their head in the clouds, ambivalent (instead of terrified) to be in a showdown with Apple. They had a window of opportunity to get their act together, but I believe it has now SLAMMED shut.

A second leader emerges

Death blow numero dos (and the inspiration for this post) was delivered a few weeks ago at the Google I/O developer conference. This is the annual get together for all things Google, and a slew of announcements were made. Most impressive were those related to Android, specifically the next iteration that will soon be released. The new features of “Froyo” (Frozen Yogurt is the codename for some bizarre reason) were so impressive, many felt Android even leapfrogged Apple’s iOS in awesomeness. Android phones will be soon be rocking flash, becoming portable hot spots, have insane cloud connectivity, and will even be able to drive your kids to school! (That last item is unconfirmed)

As I was reading all this news, I remember mumbling to myself that Blackberry “is completely screwed”. Apple and Google are in a full war, and the pace of innovation is breakneck. It seems more likely that RIM will first slide into territory Palm previously occupied (3rd place), and then continue into territory they currently occupy (no place).

How could this have happened?

RIM is well known as being a traditionally conservative company. Generally thats a good thing, unless it’s the hyper competitive world of technology. Obviously RIM has some bright people and a great product, because they gloriously rode the top of the tech world for over a decade. But….

New decade, new players, new ballgame….

Their current problem is failing to adapt to the emerging realities of the mobile world. Instead of making bold decisions and being aggressive with technology, RIM has plodded along with a glacially slow incremental update cycle.

I’m probably as sick about writing the same crap over and over as you are reading it, so in the name of efficiency here’s some earnest advice I gave them, and here’s some more.

In a nutshell, RIM is behind the times philosophically and technologically. Their OS, the heart and soul of the device, lacks a cohesive interface, connectivity (internet especially), and scalability. Their hardware is an even uglier situation. While Apple, Android (HTC, Motorola) and others are now incorporating front facing cameras, digital compasses and gyroscopes, RIM twiddles their thumbs and offers one uninspired feature set after another.

Is RIM unwilling or incapable of keeping pace with this innovation?

And here’s the spittle flecked crux

The problem is that cellphones have evolved into a complete mobile experience. Phones are no longer phones, they’re handheld laptops. The former requires a fraction of the resources and creativity of the latter. Slap a keypad on a block of plastic, add a screen and an antenna, and voila! But these newfangled super phones? You need to start off with a nice obsidian colored slab packed to the gills with accelerometers, compasses, gyroscopes, cameras, plugs, jacks, buttons, radios for Wi-fi, aGPS, bluetooth, AND THEN slap on the BIGGEST, BRIGHTEST fucking screen ever made. If that glorious collection of circuitry isn’t prepared for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you throw at it, you go back to the drawing board and WILL it into existence. I’m talking about a piece of tech with so many electronics crammed in it, the radiation alone will mutate a punk 100 lb eighth grader into a 10 foot tall Norse God after a five minute phone call!

THEN……(deep breath)

you design an OS with the foresight that new innovations come, so YOU better make them easy to integrate ahead of time. It needs to be a robust multitasking MONSTER that stingily sips battery, yet eats apps FOR BREAKFAST. An elegant architecture is a MUST, and easy accessibility for the programming community follows closely behind. If you’re thinking “an approachable vegan bodybuilding ballerina with unlimited dancing potential”, come and collect your prize!

THEN……(deeper breath)

you need to create and support an ecosystem for your product. Break out the Cat o’ nine tails and get those app developers to pump every OUNCE of utility out of the device. Once the ball starts rolling, they’ll be coming up with ideas that would put the most fevered visions of a black plague dying Renaissance artist to shame! I’m talking the phone drives the car via bluetooth and orders crumpets from the upcoming rest stop type of shit.

And don’t give me any “many of those items are mutually exclusive” crap either. Are you telling me the iPhone 4G, Evo, and next gen Droids aren’t getting closer to the description above? (Hopefully minus the radiation)

RIM “did” great smartphones, but they “do” horrible handheld laptops. A few years ago when things we’re simpler RIM could compete until the cows came home. But now? In this new landscape? I wouldn’t trust a RIM engineer to tie my shoe, let alone expect them to make a major change in the way they do things. And don’t think anything is going to happen, because how can one change when one’s very problem is an inability to change?

What’s their future?

The fate of BB can go a few ways, but I’ll bet 90% of it will be following in the foot steps of Palm. (For those unaware, Palm once strode upon the top of the mobile world, then sat on their laurels and let it pass them by)
Rim may take a slightly different fork at the end of the road, but it’ll be inconsequential for our purposes here.

On their present course, I envision the following…

Now to two years out

Apple and Google will take off in the mobile race, creating an ever widening disparity between their platforms and RIM’s. As it begins the descent from “Smart” phone to “not as smart phone”, the Blackberry will probably reign supreme on the second tier for awhile, competing with “cutting edge” companies like LG and Garmond. The days of being featured in a Time Magazine “hot new gadgets” article or a Good Morning America tech segment will come to an end. Then, in the next iteration of Android or iOS, their corporate grip will reach a tipping point of erosion.

Two to Five years out

Apple set the grinding wheels of inevitable doom in motion, but I’ll put my money on Google being the assassin. That’s because Google will unveil some free corporate equivalent to the Blackberry Enterprise Server. (Let’s hope they re-brand it, because white shoe lawyers and little green robots sounds like an odd mix). With RIM’s BES licenses now having a value between “losing lottery ticket” and “single square of toilet paper”, it’s only a matter of time until someone (Microsoft) picks them up for scraps (Patent portfolio).

A fond farewell to an old friend

I’d like to thank RIM and it’s “instant” email for efficiently delivering the rambling poems of roommates past. Your awesome messenger services alerted me via text that I was single again, and your web browser helped me kill time in such exotic locations as Cleveland INT’L airport and the local Dunkin’ Donuts. Your contributions to my life won’t be forgotten anytime soon.

Perhaps in a few decades we’ll briefly meet again via an “I love the 00’s show”!

Now where were we?

When we last left off, Google and Apple were mixing it up like Frazier and Ali. I’ve been monitoring the situation, and I think we have enough material for an update on the continuing saga. I’d also like to welcome Apple’s new punching bag, Adobe, to the party. Hang in there guys, it’ll all be over soon!

Apple vs. Google is quickly approaching Hatfield vs. McCoy epicness

The last Technopocalypse ended with the acquisition of mobile ad companies apparently becoming the new black. The battle in the ad space has since continued, but after building the foundations, the focus has shifted to entrenchment. Google’s latest coup was receiving a patent on location based advertising. It’s one of those vague “method of utilizing location to integrate into an advertisement” ones that scares everyone away from attempting something similar. At least Four Square enjoyed their 7 months in the sun!

Apple unveiled their play, launching iAd, a framework that allows developers to place ads directly into their applications. It’s a wonderful closed ecosystem that gives Apple the iron grip they’ve come to know and love. In fact, the grip is so tight, iAd is being considered for an antitrust investigation! This alone will provide enough fodder for my next ten posts.

Google raids Apple’s fridge

The iPhone has long been criticized for the way it allows the user to manage their email accounts. An app called reMail (created by a former Gmail engineer) sought to address a number of shortcomings in the native email version. It would have too, except google swooped in and acquired it lock, stock, and barrel. Surprisingly (not), it was removed from Apple’s store, and the developer was folded right back into the loving arms of mother Google. Looks like all that sweet sweet functionality will get rolled into something else! I must admit I love these types of moves for some reason. Google was basically like, “OH HELL NO, the iPhone email experience SHALL NOT PASS! Buy that shit and shut it down!!!”

Back on the ranch…..

While all the ad and app related shenanigans were taking place, Apple was devising a maneuver that would make even Machiavelli giggle like a schoolgirl. Before we continue however, allow me a sentence or three of context. Many pundits believe that Google’s Android software poses the biggest threat to the iPhone’s hegemony. After all, Android has functionally equivalent features, a glossy interface, and its own version of an app store that just passed the 50,000 mark. Oh, it’s also TOTALLY FREE, which means hardware manufacturers don’t have to waste money on silly things like TEAMS of software engineers. As you might imagine, Apple doesn’t like the competition and threat that Android presents. So, what do they do? Why sue HTC for twenty patent infringements of course. TWENTY! (Cue up the Ed McMahon HI-YO!)

Wait…….what?

What the hell does Taiwanese smartphone maker HTC (High Tech Computer) have to do with anything?

1) HTC was the first manufacturer for Android, and to this day remains Google’s closest hardware partner.

2) Would you really want to take Google’s legal team head on?

Oh yeah, and most importantly…

3) HTC has the WEAKEST (and I mean WEAK) patent portfolio on the planet. In fact, the following conversation recently took place….

Microsoft: We think you’re violating some of our pate…..
HTC: HERE’S MONEY!!!!!

So to recap, Apple can end run Google legal, attack Android via the HTC Achilles’ heel, and send a Hulk Hogan-esque “YOU’RE NEXT BRUTHA!!” message to other android partners such as Samsung, Motorola, Dell, and Acer.

Who knows if it’ll work, but you must admit it’s a pretty creative legal maneuver. At the very least it allows me to include a wrestling icon, the physical weakness of a Greek hero, and “Motorola” in a single sentence! The only items I can think of that are more disparate might be “stapler”, “airport”, and “groundhog”.

The final frontier?

So the battle wages along the advertising front, the application front, the patent front (via proxy), soon on the tablet front (more here), and what’s this? The processor front? Wow, this is the fight that keeps on giving!

A few years ago apple snatched up a chip company called Palo Alto Semiconductor. With this acquisition, Apple could now design chips in-house, which results in better products from tighter software/hardware integration. A few of the big boys at the company, upset about the price of stock offered to them (for reals) ditched Apple and founded a start-up called Agnilux. No one really seems to know exactly what they do, but here’s what’s important.

1) The personnel consists of some of the brightest PA Semi engineers
2) Google just acquired them.

This is one of those moves that everyone is making a big deal about, so I too will help fan the flames of hysteria.

*clears throat*

OH SNAP, THIS IS GONNA BE EPOCH SHATTERING, and so forth…

(The rumor is that they’re going to design the chip for Google’s answer to the iPad)

Pffft, why buy the milk when you can own the cow?

Apple’s quest for hardware domination/independence apparently isn’t finished either. Recent rumors have them possibly acquiring ARM holdings, a move that would have SERIOUS ramifications in the tech world. Ok…um….Why? ARM (Advanced Risc Machines) is a company that designs CPUs and then licenses out their handiwork to other companies for manufacture. Think of it like BMW decides one day, “screw it, we’re just going to design cars on a computer, and then you can buy the blueprints and build it your damn self”. That’s what ARM does, except they design “the brains ” for the majority of mobile handsets and devices on the planet. (Yeah I know Qualcomm exists, but I assure you good sir, ARM they are NOT)

Anyway, if Apple snaps them up, things are going to get VERY interesting, VERY fast.

The good news is Google probably has their next step planned, because they just invested in a company that claims it can PREDICT THE FUTURE (How awesome is that?)

Below Hatfield vs. McCoy, but above Tastes great/Less filling

I mentioned in the preamble that we have a new player getting in the mix, and this one has developed into quite the doozy. Our second feature match pits longtime best buds/frenemies Apple and Adobe against each other. You know the deal, companies are best friends (Apple once owned 20% of Adobe, Adobe’s biggest customer was Apple, etc) and then their “shared vision” begins to diverge due to self interest. In a nutshell, during the mid nineties (aka when Jobs wasn’t around) Apple was faltering, and Adobe wisely jumped on the Windows bandwagon. Apple eventually got it together, and despite some minor headbutting, reestablished their solid relationship with Adobe.

And then it all went to hell…

The mobile web was still in its infancy, but with the iPhone on the horizon, it was about to experience a serious growth spurt. Adobe, like any corporate entity, wanted their crown jewel, Flash, to be a fixture of this new mobile landscape. Unfortunately for them, as far as Apple was concerned, this wasn’t going to happen. Citing a number of technical and pragmatic reasons, Apple kicked off the new fight by omitting Flash from the iPhone’s web browser. Some people, claiming Flash is a battery draining, processor hogging scourge, were thrilled with the decision and went out for celebratory drinks. Others, countering that it crippled the web experience of their awesome new device, stayed home and drank to forget.

Flash forward

For 2010, we can simply repeat the entire debacle by replacing “phone” with “pad”. The stakes are rising though, as it’s becoming apparent that device by device, Apple is attempting to phase out Flash from existence. The latest snub brought renewed attention to the debate, forcing people to pick sides, and setting off some awesome sniping between the two companies. A few weeks ago, the situation reached an especially fevered pitch when Mr. Jobs personally trashed Flash. The tirade included such gems as Flash was for the “PC era of desktops, rollovers and mice, not touchscreens and multitouch”. Ouch, man, ouch. Rubbing some additional salt in the wounds, Jobs also claimed that Flash was the #1 cause of Apple computers crashing.

Adobe’s CEO calmly responded, saying that if your computers are crashing, it’s YOUR operating system and not OUR software that should be addressed.

Time to turn this fight up to ELEVEN!

I’m going to do my best to explain the significance of Apple’s next move, because it has the potential to either a) alter the tech landscape in their favor significantly or b) backfire and bring the antitrust hammer down on them “hoisted on your own petard” style.

The biggest challenges an application developer faces are the sheer number of devices and the different types of code that bring them to life. If I want to create an application for say, an iPhone, it has to be built a certain way. As you can guess, the same goes for Android, Blackberry, Windows, Mac OSX, Ford cars, giant electronic billboards, and Japanese calculators. That’s to say that EACH device has it’s own (and often unique) way of interpreting the various programming languages. Because of this, it’s extremely time consuming to develop for everyone, so people tend to gyrate towards the biggest fish, because that’s where the money is. Many consider this bad, because it makes it tougher for the little guy to gain traction against the big boys.

Some clever people figured out awhile ago that a better approach might be to “write once, run anywhere”. This is generally referred to as cross-platform compilation. So I create my awesome Techranter application (an app that provides a real-time ETA of when a friend is getting to my apt) and from that one version, I instantly create multiple versions for iPhone, Android, Blackberry, Japanese calculators, etc.

There are some problems of course, but that’s the idea in spirit, and it happens to be a pretty good way to do business. Developers get their apps (and get paid for it) on as many devices as possible, and consumers get to enjoy these innovative apps no matter what type of phone or device they’re toting around.

In fact, Adobe added this functionality to the latest version of their creative suite. I create something ONCE in Flash (let’s say a game) and here are my options….
(the gist)
1) Save as a web based version. Upload the file and people around the world can play my game online
2) Save as a standalone desktop version. Now I can play the game without an internet connection
3) Save for mobile. Now people can rock my game on their phones.

Traditionally, these would have been created separately, and in different programming languages. Instead of maintaining THREE “codebases”, a developer now must only be concerned with ONE. We’ve come a long way baby!

Debbie Downer enters, stage left

Well it was nice while it lasted because Apple just crushed that dream. For reasons that aren’t clear, (aside of a giant “screw you” to Adobe) they recently revised their agreement with iPhone/iPad app developers. From now on, devs will have a choice of three languages in which to build apps, and using an intermediary program (cross-platform compilation) is strictly verboten. This move serves to further lock down Apple’s walled garden and really seems to do more harm, especially to aspiring developers, than good. As mentioned earlier, the move has infuriated Adobe (and others) so much, they went to the man to complain. Not only did the man agree, the FTC and DOJ are “negotiating” over who’s going to smack Apple down first!

In conclusion, not a good move for developers, the general tech user, or seemingly, Apple. It is however a GREAT move for individuals who compose tech columns titled Technopocalypse, so there’s that.

And now we’re up to speed for now…

A lot of new developments kept popping up as I composed this post. HTC counter sued Apple, Nokia sued Apple, Google announced they’re dropping an iPad competitor, Blackberry is working on a tablet, and I almost forgot, HP bought Palm. Luckily, these stories have some time to mature and surprise us further. Since this went into overtime about 400 words back, we’ll cover them in a future “Technopocalypse, the Thirdening” post.

We’ll leave off exactly where we did last time (and I suspect every time), with these faceless billion dollar entities fighting for our love (wallets). It feels so good to be loved!

Until next time…

Crackberry.com is relaying a rumor that RIM has ordered a shitload of 8.9 inch touchscreens. Naturally, Twitter (myself included) starts firing up the Speculate-O-Tron 4000, and a virtual echo chamber is born. This dropped two hours ago and I’ve already seen enough “ZOMG RIM TO DROP TABLE NXT WEak!” tweets for 10 lifetimes.

After a nanosecond of consideration, I’ve decided this rumor HAS to be pure unadulterated BS. Tablets are based on USER INTERFACES, which is the LAST thing I’d expect RIM to competently execute. Sorry dudes, I love your hardware and services, but your antiquated interface design makes even the baby Jesus cry. Realistically, the result would make the Palm Foleo look like those little touch dealies Geordi rocks in engineering. Please RIM, don’t bother.

The second integral component of a tablet, is a software ecosystem. Have you taken a look at the Blackberry App world? Now go look at Apple’s and Android’s implementation. Do I need to even keep typing?

Let’s cut to the chase. If RIM distracts itself by developing a mediocre tablet, if will be the death knell for their phones. At this point, every resource they have should be focused on that effort. I think failing on one device type is sufficient for now, let’s not complicate things by adding another.

I’m sure there’s more news to come…..

UPDATE:

Boygenius is has just posted up some more information. It looks like this thing is the real deal, so let me join the masses dropping to their knees and screaming WHY????

The worst part? It’s being designed as a “companion” device, i.e. it will be your phone’s big goofy brother. I’m so depressed about this move that I’m going to stop typing now.

Seeking a quality control “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?” person? Need to fill out your Chief Devil’s Advocate position? Made some technological blunders and need a new perspective? Where do I apply?

Oh, what qualifications do I have? None really, but at this juncture that’s not important. It’s not my qualifications we should be questioning anyway. I do understand how “the dance” works though, so I’ve gotten my resume all polished and ready for the world. I’ve even given it the fun title…..

“Things I WOULDN’T have screwed up”

Palm Pre as a Sprint exclusive.

The company, after years of ineptitude, was on the ropes. The only remaining option to stay in business was a bold reboot of their product line. Palm went for the gusto and prepared to rebuild their ANCIENT phone software from the ground up. (It’s rumored it was coded under Methuselah’s direct supervision) The dust settled, and the result was their new flagship phone, the Pre. It was a well crafted combination of kick-ass software and hardware. The reception was overwhelming, and it was widely believed the company had turned its fortunes around. Then, perched atop the world, Palm made the BAFFLING decision to make the Pre EXCLUSIVE to Sprint, the Oldsmobile of wireless providers. Let me get this straight, you thought people would switch TO Sprint for your device? The phone eventually arrived on other major networks, but it was A YEAR LATER, and comparable devices were already entrenched.

The G1, Google’s first phone

iPhone mania was sweeping the globe, but out for over a year, the device was getting long in the, er… antenna. The Android G1 was looming on the horizon, and was generating SERIOUS buzz. It appeared situated as the first phone that had a chance of toppling the Cupertino Monster. Had I been under Googles employ, I would have shared my secret for creating the “(insert name here) killer” phone.

But I wasn’t there, probably because eating Dinty Moore out of the can during the interview was verboten. (Let history be aware that I brought an extra fork) Needless to say, the result of my absence wasn’t pretty.

The G1 (out of the gate) FAILED to match several features the iPhone ALREADY HAD. Some genius thought they could compete with the most media-centric phone ever made by….

1) Leaving off a standard sized plug for headphones (a mistake the 1st gen iPhone made)
2) OMITTING A VIDEO PLAYER
3) Providing no default method to easily sync audio/video files

Too busy creating their own shortcomings, they didn’t get near addressing those of their competition. Remember how people were bitching about the lack of video recording on the iPhone? Well, the G1, released SIXTEEN MONTHS LATER, ALSO lacked that functionality. At that point, any new features, such as the slick compass mode street view, just weren’t enough to overcome the G1’s deficiencies.

Yoda was so disappointed with you over that.

The Blackberry Storm

One day, technopologists will look back and examine the bizarre decisions involved in creating this device.

First, there was NO WI-FI. I really can’t emphasize how much of a screw up that decision was. It’s THE MOST standard feature of any device purporting to be a smart phone, and its absence provided the worst “comparison chart” fodder imaginable. I don’t care if it was RIM’s call or Verizon’s call, it was an absolutely stupid decision. I’m sorry to say, but the moment the spec sheet was released, the device was toast.

Another irritating design choice was the omission of flick scrolling. Without it, I nearly wore a groove in the screen swiping (or I should say swipe, swipe, swipe, swiping) through an article or email. Even worse was scrolling through the eternal Blackberry user agreement after installing a new application. After downloading a few apps, the callous on my finger rivaled that of a death metal bass player.

These features WERE included in the second iteration of the phone, but it was already a day late and a dollar short.

The Nexus One

I’ll avoid the whole “getting into the hardware being a bad idea in the first place” angle. What I won’t avoid is how the launch completely botched the concept and novelty behind the phone. The idea was that people were annoyed with top tier phones such as the iPhone, Moto Droid, and Palm Pre being exclusive to a single network. Google recognized this and attempted a different approach. Essentially, build an awesome phone and make it available on ALL networks! So far so good. What Google neglected was the second critical component, the AT ONCE part. What followed was a piecemeal release schedule (over months) that makes it no different than a Blackberry Curve, which also is now also available ON ALL NETWORKS.

If you’re going to be a bear, be a grizzly. Read up on RIM’s “World Phone” party trick and create ONE piece of hardware that works on ANY network.

Google Buzz

Let me grab my megaphone for a moment. ATTENTION SOFTWARE COMPANIES. What ever CRAZY idea you come up with, ALWAYS MAKE IT OPT IN!

No one mentioned that automatically adding everyone I’ve EVER emailed to my social circle was, INSANE? You REALLY thought I wanted “noreply-2343453@craiglist.org” with whom I inquired about shelving in 2006 as a social contact? Words can’t describe my astonishment at this decision.

As soon as I heard about Buzz, I was all “YO BRAH, Google just FLIPPED everything up with a crazy facebook/twitter hybrid!!!”. Five minutes later, after reading about the giant security holes, I told everyone to avoid it like the plague. From what I know, millions of others did the same thing. Significant privacy changes have been made since Buzz launched, but so what? Locking the barn door after the horse bolted is a reactive and pointless approach.

Talk about fail with a capital G.

Windows Mobile 7

Microsoft announced their new phone OS to the world at the Barcelona Mobile Conference and had us SALIVATING. Their stodgy old operating system was DESTROYED and replaced with an interface that takes design cues from a Ralph Lauren Polo catalog. It’s new, it’s different, and it’s slick. (The Polo catalog look on a phone, not the catalog itself)

*sigh* Are you seeing a pattern yet? Two minor oversights have dampened enthusiasm for the upcoming software. Apparently, usability things like “multitasking” and “cut & paste” were left on the cutting room floor.

I’m trying, and failing, to understand the logic. The engineering team sat around brainstorming, coming up with crazy ideas for a phone to be released in 2011 (you know, that flying car future we’ve all been dreaming about). I assume they went down the spec lists of the competition, noting what they’re doing well, what they’re not, etc. They took all this research, incorporated it into their ideas, and settled on the feature set for windows 7 mobile. Sounds like a good way to do business, except one thing seriously perplexes me. My whole rant hinges on the premise that Microsoft is gunning for the king phone slot currently occupied by Apple. So, why wouldn’t they address multitasking, the MOST GLARING FLAW OF THE IPHONE SINCE ITS INCEPTION? It’s not like consumers and tech pundits have been bitching about it for THREE YEARS.

NOTE: Technically, W7M features multitasking because apps can run in the background. That’s to say that programs will open to the same state in which they were closed. The problem however is if the device needs more memory, the OS will arbitrarily wipe out a running process. What the hell type of engineering is that? Microsoft even employs the same excuse Apple does, blaming their half-ass implementation as a bid to conserve battery life

Nothing is worse than compounding one stupid decision with another, and that’s precisely what Microsoft has done. Since they incorporated the chief complaint of iPhone users into their OS, why not go for the gold and incorporate the second? Yep that’s right, cut & paste, a basic function of modern computing (since added to the iPhone) was omitted. According to the horse’s mouth, people don’t use that feature. Yeah, who would do something crazy like copy an address from their email and paste it into the map application?

Well, a metric ton of outrage followed, and a week later we get this gem.

*cough*

We were going to add it all along, we swear!

Yeah, right.

Un Mas Cosa

I wanted to double back and make one more appeal to RIM, because the writing is on the wall.

Blackberry and their OS dilemma

It’s been 4 months since I gave RIM some heart to heart advice. Looks like I’m going to append it a bit.

Let’s just be blunt. Right now, RIM should take the servers that store their master OS code, set them on FIRE, and launch the ashes into the sun. I actually FEEL PITY for a company with a market cap of 42 billion. How is that even possible? I guess I hate to watch a great product/company fall from grace because of factors within their control. (See Palm) RIM makes some of the most advanced devices IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, but a few more years on their present course, and they’ll be competing with Sanyo for the $49 soccer-mom smart phone market. My GOD that’s depressing.

It’s become painfully apparent that modern interface design is no longer RIM’s forte. Their OS has become DOWNRIGHT STAGNANT from an appearance standpoint, and the usability is going along with it. Their attempts at software have fallen pitifully short as well, like their recent attempt at a twitter app (in beta, but still) which was mocked across the web. Even worse, alleged screen shots of their next gen OS have emerged, and let me tell you, a 3rd grader could have come up with a better design

You want to change course fast? Get out of the interface business. Start by acquiring Ubertwitter and other 3rd party companies for app development. Then for the OS, go hire The Astonishing Tribe and pay them whatever they want. (TAT designed the Android interface, and are well known in the design world for coming up with insane yet practical concepts)

Finally, take a page out of MS and Apple, and stop releasing so many damn phones.

So that’s my resume

I’m fully aware that you’re not going to make everyone happy all the time. Some phenomenally talented people design these devices and have probably forgotten more than I’ll ever know. That said, there’s some serious breakdown in either the decision making or feedback process these days. I’ll also sprinkle in some willful ignorance of tech history. If product X is missing a feature, and product Y wants to topple X, then it better include the feature that X lacks. It’s common sense.

If your people don’t want to do the scouting report on the competition, I’ll be happy to, for a nominal fee =)

Call me, we’ll do beer.