The Gimp Chronicles: Shade-Stealing Crips

Return of the B-Cell Seven

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 00:23:00 +0000

I'm punning badly on a John Sayles film title there.. ignore it.

So in mid-October, on a drive to Phx from the Yuma hinterlands, I found myself getting dizzy, twitchy.... like a mini-relapse was slamming into me with a ton of different manifestations. I knew I was kind of in trouble in a small town about 90 miles from Phx, when my vision felt a little weird... a bit dizzy.. and my right side twitching and leaping forward as I drove. But the meeting I needed to go to was state-paid one, dept of Education, and I was as far from hm as from the hotel, so I kept going.

A spectacular lightning storm hit as I got on I-10, and wow...I got into the HOV lane ASAP so if I hit anything it would be most likely the highway cement divider. And a pretty 2012 Ford I was driving too.

So I decided to go to the St Joe's ER, which was interesting... long story short, I was admitted after about 12 hours, MRId, not medicated (thank you ER neurologist ya bastid ya), then let go the next evening or... maybe the one after that? I got Bkfast and Lunch out of it. And a snack.

So WTF? Now the main issue is severe spasms in my shoulders and nerve pain there too... after a lot of relaxing, my brain calmed enough to go to the mtg (not the hotel, which gave my room out) with clonazepam scrip, methocarbomal scrip, and later a gabapentin scrip. Turns out taking all three... the clonazepam would give me a MASSIVE, painful headache/ nerve twinging so bad I once slammed 2 beers to stop the pain. Well, it worked. No more alcohol, though.

Still on the Gaba and Metho, but it's hard to get the timing down so that the muscles in my shoulders stay relaxed and calm. Some eye twitches remain, but I can still Zumba and sound only moderately like a moron when I speak. The aphasic moments REALLY piss me off.

Well, it's kinda been waiting to happen, the Return of the B-Cells, and I know I already have damage to my brain-- lesions too big and bright and old to not have that, but I am a little nervous and scared, even though sure, I'll start Avonex if I must. Clinical trial for me is just about over-- just monitoring blood until B-cells return to 2009 levels. FUN.

THE RANDOM POST OF INDIE LOVE

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 02:24:00 +0000

There is nothing more sexy than a thinking man. To that effect, here's my random post of Indie Actor Love, one of the sexiest thinking men on the screen, David Strathairn (and he reads some awesome audiobooks too!)

David Strathairn

Thoughtfulness on an empty stomach

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 02:09:00 +0000

I've been in a frightfully thoughtful mood for the last day or so, perhaps in part due to a massive lack of sleep. I'm sitting down as if to do work, alternately looking at grading, reading, watching a DVD or film clip, googling stuff... and in the process I thought I'd see what my one and only book was doing out there.

No, don't get all excited. My dissertation was turned into a book by Routledge in 2006-7 It's "Post-Revolutionary Chicana Women Writers" blah blah blah. No need to read it, it is in parts quite dense. But there are pics!

"Remembering the Brave Women" was originally its title when it was filed for my PhD in 2004. I like that much better, and have "brave women" engraved inside my class ring (pinky ring, very small). Because I do not have or want kids, I believe it represents the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I'm not naturally a very disciplined thinker, and I've always been prone to tangents, so doing a book on one subject was a REAL challenge. Of course, I probably overread for it some, but...

I guess it made me thoughtful, in the way that I still marvel I'm alive now. I had no plans or goals for life except to become "Doctor" (I don't count the 'win an Oscar' wish). At 33, I got to cross the stage with 2 other friends to get the PhD from the U of Iowa; my mom got to see it, as did my aunt and uncle and assorted good friends. It was a truly great moment, and I'm glad I got to do it with friends.

I'm a very, very bright person with a very, very fast and agile brain. That fast and agile brain has been slowed by multiple sclerosis, but the only people who can tell that would be me, my grad school roomie and friend Robin, and MAYBE one or two of my old profs at Iowa. I visited a friend of mine at Arizona State where he teaches now (also an ex-Hawkeye) and we not only had very similar mentalities, humor, and sharp wit, but we agreed that Iowa makes people like that in some ways-- to survive and get the PhD, the terminal degree,, in English, you have to be very good, very determined, and very competitive. I have no doubt with a day's notice or less Ed or I could teach any undergrad course in English and several in graduate English. That's professionally how fast we are and how sharp our intellect is, and a lot of it IS due to surviving the PhD

I don't often toot my horn. But I'm very bright. I have an exceptional brain when it comes to connections, and there's a wicked irony in that those connections are threatened by something completely external to getting old or getting smacked in the head with a bat. I would say it's an external and random thing, but who knows about randomness? It certainly is with me all the time, like the poor or hair issues, but it's not welcome.

At all.

I am pleased that I can still be thoughtful, still link up words, phrases, and clauses (pace Conjunction Junction!), still teach and do it in a flexible style, moving and dodging and creating like dancing. I am not pleased about slowing down at all, even if it's barely perceptible. I sound like a moron sometimes, to myself. I am ECSTATIC about being able to enjoy a good film, admire the talent of good art and fine acting, see and appreciate the world at large, and laugh at myself, others, and my life. I like my life. I just didn't expect it to go on so long.

So at 41 (bday in October, thank you thank you), I think back and think forward. But most of all

I

THINK.

End of the 1st week of classes

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 22:32:00 +0000

WEll, we started with a huge bang and assorted thumps. I'm glad to see some of my students back, colleagues, and friends. It has been SUPER busy here, and also super humid and hot. August in the sunniest place on earth. It's like Hell, with palm trees!

The weather and work has not made me very happy, but well, at least I'm employed and hope fully we can keep chugging along. I'm still on the lookout for a job abroad to make a wad of cash, but nothing yet. I could do the Emirates for a while.

The MS is mostly quiet, except for some odd twinges and vision blurs. Heat is so bad for it, but hard to avoid. Next dr appt will be to be registered as an 'official' neuro patient at the neuro clinic, as opposed to a clinical trial participant. WHEE!

Does this mean I can go to IKEA??

Was that the sound of the camel's back breaking?

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 18:41:00 +0000

So every time I think I hit another nadir, another massive low, I get slammed down again. OK, me and the fam.

So yeah, MS. Yeah, it's kinda acting up. Legs are weakish, but I'm managing, right? Finished teaching 6 classes in an 8 week summer session, still have some grading to do, but hey, got thru it, right?

Yeah. Husband needs to go to court for not one, but TWO things now. Now Chase, a credit card he had, sold his debt to a corp that sent lawyers after him and named ME too, though I'm not on the account. He's basically unemployed, has severe hearing loss we're dealing with, and we live in the number one county for unemployment in the nation (we're number 1!). He's got 2 teaching certificates, but no one really looking to hire a middle aged guy with bad ears and consequent rough speech.

So I've been carrying the fam for a long, long time now, and I keep thinking we've hit the bottom, but I guess we haven't To put most of our financial affairs in order, one or both of us would have to liquidate any retirement or savings, and we don't have a lot. To get at mine, I'd have to quit my job-- goodbye medical insurance for both of us!

I guess the best that can be said for this most recent straw on my back is that the miracle meds I have been given for my MS are still holding up pretty well, even in the heat. I am quite tired of it all-- as I type this, I'm waiting for the IRS to answer and tell me where in the hell the big check we sent them for taxes went-- why are they still bothering us?

ARG! Sheesh. Well, anyway, we shall see what can be done. Teaching abroad looks real good right now, since there's money out there somewhere--like in the UAE. Maybe, I dunno but I have applied! Fingers and toes crossed on that!

HATE. HEAT

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 17:21:00 +0000

Here in crAZy, the so-called "monsoons" are arriving, and so it's not 118 anymore, but 105 with ridiculous humidity. My legs are tweaking a bit, as the heat affects my MS pretty badly. Hopefully, being I'm in the b-cell monitoring phase of the clinical trial, I will make it thru the end of summer without a collapse. That's right, not a relapse, but a COLlapse.

My last appt was very good though-- dropped from a 2 to a 0 on the EDSS. I love how that makes my neuro both happy and proud-- of me, him, and the drug. I have to say, so far it's been rocking. I'm looking forward to feeling decent, even if I'm still fatigued.

Hope all are doing well and had a good fourth (Americans). Now back to your regularly scheduled program of gimptasticness!

How was your MS day?

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 22:50:00 +0000

Mine was a work day, and the coolest thing was finding the pic of Niagara Falls glowing orange! That was very cool, and even though we haven't entered Komen-dom when it comes to awareness, we're on a roll.

Still not much MS activity down where I live, nor do I imagine any on the horizon. This is a young town unless it's winter, then it gets old and I have so little in common other than MS with snowbirds. Am I being wrong? Maybe. I always have been a little scared of older/ elder people.

Anyway, I hope things were well for any of you out there. So try to hang in, even in the heat!

End of semester notes

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Wed, 11 May 2011 06:18:00 +0000

I guess the most prominent thing about this last school semester was the massive lack of preparation, driveh, and all other things leading to school success in our students. Across many depts, there was a general malaise and massive absences. I'm not sure, because spring always seems jacked up to me. However, massive funding cuts and fear of money issues may be affecting people's ability to focus. No idea, but its been bad.

MS-wise, it's been a weird couple of months. I may be feeling some emotional lability-- lots of anger and depressive moods. The Bear got on Paxil, but not me. ON the other hand, other things have been causing stress and grief... but there is some kind of change in how I perceive my MS. I think I am feeling mortal and scared. I've had a good 1.5 years, but my clinical trial ends in a few months or so and I am feeling rather vulnerable. I have heard that's possible, maybe prior to a relapse. I also think it has something to do with hating where I live and work.

There's been some good news on the MS research front, and of course the Ocrelizumab trial is really awesome. I have been tripping over words again, but I still feel ok except for fatigue. That's pretty constant, but I do have 2.5 weeks off before summer jams. 8 weeks of summer classes, 6 classes if they all make. OY.

I need a change...perhaps a journey abroad to teach. Whatever it is, I hope it's kind, because I'm not sure how much I can handle right now!

MS Awareness Week

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 16:00:00 +0000

The NMSS "MS=" Campaign

Well we're just about here again, MS Awareness week, and I have a whopping big sign on my office door, tho not everyone at my job knows I have MS. The ones that matter do, the others might be a little intrigued, but for the most part I no longer care.

I do like the NMSS' "MS=" campaign, but there so much that MS can = for me, and I'm not very pithy lately.

Perhaps MS=frustration at myself and also others for not seeing that I am, actually, not entirely well/healthy/fast. That would definitely go beyond one week or one month. But in any event, it's all an intriguing campaign and I wonder who out there knows what "MS=" for them. I'm sure it's ever changing-- it is for me!

Inspired by a blog

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 04:10:00 +0000

I'm a little tired lately, having gone back to work part time for 8 weeks before smacking head on into fulltime teaching again. I'm sure the 8am class isn't helping, but I am glad to notice I'm mostly on the ball.

I was reading a blog (MSLOL radio)which was speaking of show tunes, and the "Try to Remember" from 'The Fantasticks' was highlighted. I do like the song, but i also now associate it with Jerry Orbach singing it post-9/11 in NYC.

So there's a bittersweetness to it for me, as beautiful as it is (particularly as Jerry sang it -- Jerry, we miss you!), an autumnal feeling of both beauty and a deep longing for the things already past. I guess it just put me in mind of the wistfulness I've been experiencing lately. The general overall slowing of my physical self and to some extent my brain is really a different experience. I have been feeling some leg weakness (as I did in 2008) and def. some brain fog, but I still think for the most part I cover it well enough. I still say that i would retire tomorrow if I could.

As it is, two cats have been ill, Bear's Lipitor copay went up, and I have no idea how we'll cover our medical bills. Naturally, that will lead to worse credit, which will lead to yada yada yada. I'm so over my country some time. I know we can be the very best at so many things, but I tell you, MS will smack any national or local shortcomings right in your face.

So I try to remember that last september.. it's not easy, and it has been scary lately. I still am very glad for my MS doc and clinic, but oh so wanting to leave this place behind me, dust, sand, and all.

Happy MS Awareness Month, dammit... wish it never had to come again!!

FDA rejects Oral Cladribine

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 22:25:00 +0000

From Medscape-- not sure how to take this, given its checkered history, but at least Russians and Aussies can get it:

FDA Rejects Oral Cladribine for Multiple Sclerosis
Allison Gandey

March 2, 2011 — The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) says it won't approve oral cladribine (Movectro, Merck Serono) for multiple sclerosis (MS) without more safety information. Merck announced today it received a complete response letter from the agency calling for additional analyses or new studies.

The company says it plans to request an end-of-review meeting with the FDA to clarify next steps and to identify whether data from completed and ongoing clinical studies can address the questions.

The FDA decision is the latest in a long line of disappointment for the new drug in the race for first oral agent for MS. Cladribine was initially granted fast-track status by the FDA in 2006, but the agency refused to file the company's new drug application in 2009 amid speculation about tabulation errors and potential safety concerns.

Oral fingolimod (Gilenya, Novartis) beat cladribine to market for relapsing-remitting MS. Other oral MS treatments in development include laquinimod (Teva), teriflunomide (sanofi-aventis), and BG-12 (Biogen).

Cladribine was recently approved in Russia and Australia but received a negative opinion from European regulators in September that was reiterated in January.

Increase in Cancer Cases
The European Medicines Agency said it was concerned about the increase in cancer cases seen in clinical trials with treatment. Regulators also complained the benefits and most appropriate dosage had not been well established.

The company says it will remain committed to completing the ongoing clinical trials of cladribine. These trials, already fully enrolled, will provide additional information on efficacy and safety.

Top-line results from the CLARITY (CLAdRIbine Tablets Treating MS OrallY) extension study and ORACLE MS (Oral Cladribine in Early MS) study are expected by the end of 2011. Top-line results from the ONWARD (Oral Cladribine Added ON To Rebif [interferon beta-1a] New Formulation in Patients With Active Relapsing Disease) study are anticipated in the first half of 2012.

"We look forward to working with the FDA to address the safety issues in its letter," Fereydoun Firouz, president and chief executive officer of EMD Serono, said in a statement.

"We will continue to move toward identifying a path that provides patients and physicians the opportunity to have access to cladribine tablets in the treatment of MS."

Upon entering the AZ Dept of Rehab...

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 13:45:00 +0000

...you find that while they are very willing to help, for literally 2 years they have been so underfunded everyone, but EVERYONE, is now on a waiting list for assistance. Bear's hearing loss is enough to make him a possible "Priority 2" for job assistance, assistive technology, etc, but of course, they're not really calling Priority 1 folk, who may have, say, lost a limb in an industrial accident.

I understand on the one hand, and on the other I'm furious that there is so very little AZ can do or has been able to do to help people who need it, especially if they don't fall, say 200% below the federal poverty limit. Sure, we have insurance, which I pay exorbitant amounts to so Bear can be covered; sure, we have a home which we won't be able to sell in the foreseeable future in order to move to a better/nicer/wiser/more beautiful place. Sure, we have food-- thanks, Mom, for being sure I had a fear of running out of food. I've never come close, except that one time I had only ketchup and a jar of peanut butter a day before payday. But these are the people who are gently having their lives chipped away, hanging on before bankruptcy, unable to borrow from job retirement funds or facing unreal penalties for doing so-- these are the people in whom the "bird of hope" perches and pecks away at their hearts until they expire, wondering "what happened?"

Dream on, dream on.

We're a 2D household! YAY TEAM!

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 02:01:00 +0000

Well it's not new, but with the addition of the BAHA box on the side of Bear's head, we have officially entered "2D" hood-- 2 differently (dis)abled people! Bear has severe hearing loss, more than 90% in one ear and more than 60% in the other. The BAHA (bone anchored hearing aid) uses some pretty cool technology to improve his hearing so he can hear much more clearly.

What was interesting was a meeting today of the Hearing Loss Assoc of America local chapter-- in his fifties, Bear was still the youngest. But I think he was excited to find some other HOH people, others he could relate to. I feel for him on this, since I'll be honest-- there's no MS local meeting anymore. And it has been really stressful lately, and I'm only recently coming to the realization that yeah-- ain't no way my life is really going to be very "normal" or necessarily stable. So it's nice for at least one of us to have some local support group or people.

Since both of our issues are essentially "Invisible", we face some fun stares and questions-- I'm sure some wonder about my crip placard. Bear now has a big "Driver is Hard of Hearing" sign on his visor-- a good bit of advice from his hearing aid dispenser. They're actually pre-printed by the state, so hey-- that's something to say for this gawdforsaken place.

While all of this has and continues to be expensive, at least we've had a chance to try the technology and clinical trials. I am very, very pleased about that, though I wish I lived IN the town for my trial and where Bear had his surgery for his hearing. Still a love/hate relationship with the state, mostly hate. If I could take my MS clinic and doctor with me back home, I SO would.

Just getting all the more encouraged to find a way into ADA advocacy!

Today I complete my 2nd* year..

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 14:49:00 +0000

Today is the *2nd anniversary of my MS diagnosis, and my brother Dave's birthday (hi bro!). It's a lot less fraught I think than last year, when I was really mid-clinical trial. Now, the most intense part of the trial is over, I seem to be doing really well, and I try not to let the paroxysmal stuff get to me.

I'm also off work until March, so I can be alternately lazy and pensive. Really what it means is I watch an awful lot of Food Network and Dirty Jobs. Last year was entirely too hectic with work alone, not to mention house repairs and the MS stuff. i still think about it almost every day, and of course when a nerve goes "PING!" it's quite hard to forget what's up with my head. But I am very fortunate in my doc and my MS clinic, and I'm really very grateful. Not much will of course ever be the same, not since Jan 13 2009, but it can be at least manageable and at best more than acceptable.

One thing I'm glad is mostly back is my ability to spell and type. Occasionally lately I'll have some weird spasm of word forgetfulness and it bothers me a lot. Actually, it both scares and infuriates me. My doc points out that he doesn't think I'm going to see much change if and when I do neuropsychological testing, etc, but admits that *I* can sense my own frustrations and halting language. he was very kind the last visit, December 2010: "These are meant for the average, so I don't think you'll see anything much. But it will make you feel better." I in fact have a pretty wildly expansive vocabulary as well as a decently good intelligence (you know, like, smartish and all educationally and experientially well-trained in the arts of thinkingness), and that's WHY I panic when I can't remember a word or how to spell it.

However, since he's been so on target with so much re: my MS, I will not only give him credit, I'll try to stop worrying so much. some might say, "hey, there's spell check!" to which I reply "hay, theirs spell czech!"

Happy month of Janus to all, and to all a good life!

Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 23:07:00 +0000

Well, 2010 did not go quietly... medical and other bills pile up every time we think we have some extra money! But I am enjoying the time off and really need to get into that feeling of relaxation.

Physically feeling pretty well, mentally a little beat-up lately. I do kind of feel a sense of imminent doom at times-- and apparently MS can give you some feelings of dread. (No kidding!) I think if I can just kind of convince myself that it's not the end of the world that somehow, even with an unemployed husband, etc etc, we can owe taxes. I swear, the world is nickel and diming me to death here. And at a certain point, I just won't be able to work extra here and there for more money. It's been an uphill battle to keep things going, but well... what to do?

Well, happy 2011 and may all your days be bright, joyful, painfree, and happy! Or close enough.

Week 96 Ocrelizumab study visit

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 19:09:00 +0000

So, yesterday drove up to Phx to see my neuroimmunologist for week 96 of the clinical trial I'm in. Hard to believe it's been so long! And I have to say, I would really recommend the next clinical trial of it, a Phase III which I may not be able to be in (long story). It's been a truly amazing drug, and really very helpful to me and others, apparently and anecdotally. Zip new lesions in over a year and a half. The new study is up at clinicaltrials.gov, but they're not recruiting just yet.

So that's all the good news, and physically I seem to be okay, but my EDSS score went to an all-time high of 2 (I know, not a lot, but still) because my "mentation" impact was higher than usual. Normally I run a 1, but this fuzziness spoken of in my last post hit it enough so that rather than a "1b" or 1.5, my score was a 2. My lovely study coordinator was nervous, but my neuro wasn't at all. Given I'd just finished teaching for the year, a year I was completely overloaded with work, he thought it was not at all odd to find cognitive issues arising.

I asked and he said he would set up neuropsychological testing at the same hospital, and he said "It would be good for you to see. They're meant for an average, but I don't think yo're all that average. You will be surprised." How nice! :p. So, maybe it will make me feel all better to note that my cognitive functions aren't all melting ala the witch/water combo in the Wizard of Oz.

Oh well! I still feel okay, but annoyed by the bits of spelling I seem to be missing. I do have Dragon Naturally Speaking, but with luck I'll just be able to not worry so much abotu all that for a couple of months. What a relief!

the "sqeauky" wheel.."sqaueky".. SQUEAKY!

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 17:56:00 +0000

As some may have figured out, I profess English and have since I can remember considered myself an excellent speller. For real.

So yesterday, why did it take me half a minute to spell "squeaky"? Yeah, 3 vowels in a row, but STILL. Maybe because I was using a cell-phone keyboard? But then I also struggled with another word yesterday, something beginning with a "M". Hmm.

Right about the time I was going to go the hospital to eventually have surgery and later be diagnosed with MS, one of the great frustrations, more so than the cane use, was a feeling I'd lost some words. Not misplaced, not stuttering, but really simply just lost some words I'd known my whole life. Given I've been reading since about 3 and writing just about as long, this was disturbing. Noticeable to everyone? Of course not. With half my brain cells gone I'd probably still have a bigger vocabulary than many. VAST. ENORMOUS. Nay, MONSTROUS. I don't even go "uhh" anymore in speech because I thought a long time back it sounded stupid. So I just pause, and normally not for more than a half-second, until I find the word.

I never lost the ability to comprehend words I knew, but my typing was getting poor and I was struggling a little more for everyday words. At the time, it was the close of the school year in December, and I was both falling down (massive lesions on the motor cortices on both sides on my brain) and stumbling over words. I know I looked bad physically, but I felt much worse mentally-- I was not at all certain what had befallen my brain. I mean, come on-- I've not only got a degree or three, but I REALLY KNOW WORDS!

At the hospital in Phoenix, I graded my students' work and turned in grades. I don't remember what I read or how the papers were. Of course, I was kinda focused on my own health at the time, though time itself was a wee fuzzy. It's still hard to believe I did any work there.

After I got back, and read through all my doctor's reports, one stood out. It was from my neurosurgeon, a very nice, brilliant man, who noted "She is actually quite fluent, but it is obvious she is frustrated by [losing words]". Spot on! My best friends would probably have picked up on it, but neither hubby of 3 years nor colleagues really knew enough about me to see subtle signs.

On and off I've had some spelling issues when typing, but not all that noticeable. I do get nervous and angsty when my brain seems to be tripping over itself when trying to locate the right word. I wonder sometimes if words are individually stored or if synapses have to make multiple connections from which words derive. I would imagine the latter, but still-- even if they were individually stored I could have all the words in English in my head and still have a LOT of space for other brain needs.

I don't think I've had a bad relapse, but my paroxysmal (spelled that in one go!) symptoms pop up with about monthly frequency. I'm not sure how much my motor cortex was damaged, nor if I struggle with spelling because my hands have been affected and usually the problem is with written English (or typed) and the motor and mental skills are being jumbled.

But it's definitely scary, possibly the most unnerving of the MS issues. I don't give a rat's hiney about ending up in a wheelchair, though I imagine that will bring issues of its own. I do care about semi-perceptible brain slowing, the kind of thing that won't descend into dementia but will into a vague, "hmm... I know this... I KNOW this" feeling of being just on the wrong side of the right word.

Hmmm. These are the things that try my soul, and certainly (hadda work at that word 2x!) my patience. Unfortunately, few get it. That's the sucky, all-alone part feeling of MS, which I know some of my colleagues in the MS-universe hear me on.

May all your "squeaky" wheels be greased!

MS + TV + MD, = BS

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 22:16:00 +0000

Well, finally "House MD" explores more completely multiple sclerosis-- via, of course, the MOST RARE AND AGGRESSIVE FORM, so-called Marburg MS. Not only does our "hero", who nails himself to a cross per a promise between himself and God to spare his daughter from glioblastoma (that's a whole 'nother thing), have multiple sclerosis, but he has to have marburg, and he has to be offered only one of the potential treatments, and that is stem-cell transplantation. Because it is labeled in the show "embroyonic", the man has difficulty with this given his deep faith, so of course House tricks him. Click on the title of this post to go to the tv.com site.

I found the show a little weak, and lately as a whole the series has been repetitive and kind of slow-- not a lot of development and the "classic" only-speak-truth newbie vs House's "everybody lies, and apparently all the time" class is quite dull.

HOWEVER-- this was a moment where the writers could have demonstrated some sense in presenting and treating MS. That the guy grins maniacally (Pseudo PseudoBulbar Affect?) at all times in the throes of his Marburg-ness was ill done, IMO. I can understand why they chose the most dramatically effective one, but then it becomes a tool for House Vs God again. No discussion of potential other treatments, just the one seemingly most poised for dramatic effect-- and why would it have to be embryonic, other than for dramatic emphasis? Would Alemtizumab or Mitoxantrone be so much less dramatic? Would he have said no to them?

ARG! Weak writing, weak show for me for several reasons. Of course, now I do wonder who thinks MS is instantly, always fatal now. Well, such is TV-life.

Let's not even TALK about how the guy happens to be Latino. Why is it always my peeps who have the god-issues? (Yeah, I'm generalizing, damn it, and I have a license to.)

The autumnal ravings of a near-insomniac

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 22:39:00 +0000

Well, here it is, my favorite time of year, and I just so barkingly want winter to come so I can get a break from my job. For whatever reason-- OH! I know, the fact I didn't really get a vacation/ break this year from work-- I just am over the educational phenomenon in the US. It's been a bit mind-numbing lately, and also affected by my distraction due to Bear getting a BAHA implant underway.

Oh yeah. We are a multi-disability household! In the most recent test, his hearing is down to about 10% in one ear, with comprehension about as bad, and his left ear is at 40% hearing loss. The BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid) sends the sound vibrating through his skull to his other ear, which has a conventional hearing aid. It's not a cochlear implant, but if things get worse it will become one.
How the BAHA works

It's a really interesting idea, even though slightly less than ultimate technology really. But get this-- his BAHA will have a plug in for a MP3 player! OMG!

The bad part is it's quite gross-looking. The surgery involves ***WARNING GRAPHIC!*** cutting a slit behind the bad ear, lifting the flap to remove all the follicles, scraping all the tissue and muscle out down to the bone, and drilling a titanium screw a bit into the skull so it can osseointegrate, then kinda sliding it all back together and attaching an abutment to the site, then bandaging it all up.

Pic of a well-healed site

So needless, perhaps, to say I'm alternating between basket case and mental defective, and really would like very little more than getting the hell out of my job for a few months. Of course, I'll probably end up teaching something, because we still need the money-- one of the big reasons to deplete the savings for the BAHA is that Bear really is unemployable without proper hearing, but likely not disabled enough for any type of disability and he's not of retirement age. Sigh.

So yeah. Good news is that the last MRI didn't show new lesions, just old scars. I have since decided "Scars on my Brain" will be my autobiography title. Bad news is that I still haven't found a way back to any form of my center or any state of relaxation and calmness. It's insane here, and I struggle to not dislike it so much more each day. It would be best if I cared less, but that's hard to do for me. ARG!

Why can't I lose weight rather than sleep, dammit?

Straw, meet camel!

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 19:22:00 +0000

So the last few weeks have been quite MS-centric, with a dull headache for four weeks now, one PCP who still thinks it's a "localized headache", my neuros who are trying to get MRIs and MRAs done (that last for an aneuyrsm), blurry left eye vision with no apparent physical cause, and some shakes.

You know, typical crap.

Then, to top off weeks of hell at work, I get a call from my oldest brother that, following a serious manic episode at the end of a long week of mania, my sister ended up in the emergency room and from there went to a "center". She's bipolar.

Someone said "damn, she can't let you get the last word on anything!" I laughed, because I still think my melting brain beats her chemically unbalanced one any day. But honestly, I'm still not sure what to do with this. It has hit me harder than my own MS diagnosis. She was there with me, and we both did the thing my family does-- "uh... so okay, what do we do now?"

For me, research helps me think through what is happening. Everything I read helps to explain a lot about my sister, if hindsight is 20/20. Sure, she'll be on meds for the rest of her life, likely, but I'm not worried about that. I guess, I'm worried about how it will feel to know my sister isn't really totally capable of being leaned on. I haven't leaned on her for much lately, but in the past, especially after our mom died, we spoke a lot. I think this last time I spoke to her I let my own impatience get in the way and disagreed too much while she was still a bit manic.

Oh dear. Why is there so little effort, compared to things like cancer, say, to help resolve the foundational problems of the brain? I mean, I know we only have our brain to know our brain with, but the brain just hasn't been made sexy enough. We have no ribbon or bracelet, and yet... and yet.

Yeah, I buy pink. I wear my orange MS band. I'll wear a bipolar band if one exists, but the thing about issues of the brain is that somehow we seem so afraid to share and talk. Everyone seems to have an opinion, but we don't talk about what it would mean to really explore the brain, map out some diseases through PET scans, etc.

So, let's really think about a brain symbol campaign! How about shirts with diseased brains on them? A few with MS lesions? I'll offer my MRI scans!

The carnival of mania, mistrust, misrule, and MS begins anew!

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 22:26:00 +0000

Lovely idea!
Yes, that's right! Classes have started again and after a full year of sloggin' through research on retention, success, assessment, administrivia, and oh yeah some other teaching, I'm ready to put on the armor and go forth into academics. Or so I think.

Biggest freshperson class we've ever had, lots of lost students, lots of papers and online organizing-- always the same, really. I do like back-to-school time a lot-- something fresh and new and hopeful about seeing students excited about school. I will admit that college students aren't always that excited and some can be quite truculently silent (as some profs can be, myself included at times). I will admit that the closer they are to high school, the more aggressive they are in their desire to stand out by fitting into one crowd or another. I will also admit I wish I could have more Socratic dialogue and less paperwork.

On the other hand, it's a good job, and I do enjoy the teaching process. I love talking things out with students and figuring out how to help them best. Seeing lightbulbs go on in people's heads is a great reward!

Of course, with this comes the worry that my brain might short circuit again-- or was that a moment of blindness in my right eye? Will 126 degree heat index make it impossible to move? Will I start fluffing words again? WOE!

Yeah, I do worry about that a lot. My work is pretty much all mental, though some is simple endurance, and my brain needs to be pretty well oiled for me to do my job to my satisfaction. I'm hard on myself, but I'm hard on my kiddos too. Luckily so far my job's been okay with accommodations (like dr. appts during the work week!), but I personally feel a little less-than-spiffy. I'm sure it will all ratchet down, but good heavens.. what a job for a MSer to have!

The long sunny, it's too damn hot post

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 22:05:00 +0000

I really do hate the heat in Arizona, but having gone to Philadelphia a few weeks ago, I can officially say I think I hate humidity more.

Fortunately Yuma tends to have a whole lot of air-conditioned places, one of which ain't my home. Well, it doesn't seem that way. There's not a lot one can do without an industrial A/C when it's 118 outside-- again. I'm ensconced in my office and still have a fan blowing on me. Libraries and malls tend to get full quickly, as does the Wally-world. A couple of days ago I went to see Despicable Me in 3-D (didn't really need to see it in such, tho, great script), and for some reason right at the beginning it was warm in the theater. Isn't the reason people go to a movie to stay cool? Or did movies get good all of a sudden?

I digress. Despicable Me was very funny and smart, though the attitudinal kids annoyed me some. Most do. The minions, however, were a total blast!Click for Minions!!

That was probably the most social thing I've done lately-- went with Bear and friend n kid. Popcorn was nice, tho got a bit carried away with the white cheddar powder add-on. I don't really get out to flicks much, but netflix is my friend. I've been on all kinds of kicks, from Brit-com to classic. I do love some classic B/W films! So netflix allows me to be realllllly self-indulgent!

OK, still too damn hot but time to pretend other work is important rather than surfing the web. Ta!

Ocrelizumab-- the final infusion

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 21:58:00 +0000

*insert dramatic music*

earlier today I had my final infusion of my clinical trial.. Was exciting-- well, also because I was watching the World Cup during it, but I've had such a good response to it I'm psyched about the whole idea. So now, for a while I'll be observed and go in for an occasional MRI, until my B cell count goes back to where it was (or up...).

I admit that it could be a little daunting, since I guess as it rises I could have pseudo or actual relapses, but I'm glad I did the trial, for myself and others it might help! I am still in love with my Italian Phd/MD/ Bronze Olympic Medal Winning Neuro and his staff (GO MIA!!!) and the hospital.

The heat in Arizona is still bugging me, but thankfully my teaching is done for the summer and now it's all mostly administrative work. I get to go to PA for a conference July 11-14, so that might be amusing. Work-filled, but amusing! I could totally use a break from the heat-- it was 85 at 630 this AM, and is probably 103-105 right now, 3pm. AIGH!!!!

Hope everyone is coping well, heat or not. Let the dog days begin!!
Sleepy Auggie Doggie

Stupid things people say about MS

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 22:54:00 +0000

*reposted from "My daily Apple", Trevis Gleason's Life with MS blog*

(I'm not sure what the stupidest thing is I've heard, but I think most of the stupid things have to do with people thinking I'm going to die from MS tomorrow, and others offering some dope-ass cure ideas [parsley? really??]. Read on and snicker in empathy. Oh, and happy World Cup!)

June 10, 2010
People Say the STUPIDIST [sic] Things (About MS)

While , “But you look so good…” may be intended as a compliment (or at least a deflector) coming from someone talking about your multiple sclerosis, there are other things that people say that is downright mean. Whether or not it is intended, people can say some pretty hurtful things about (or actually TO) those of us living with MS.

While I must admit that the most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me was along the line of, “You don’t really need that cane; do you?”; in a recent article in the National MS Society’s Momentum magazine I read evidence of some pretty awful stuff that people can say.

Sure, we could chalk some of it up to ignorance, some comments up to fear and some a deflection device for their own “stuff”. Some of it, however, is nothing but people being just plain mean – The remark made to one of my commenters, Jan, about using a handicapped parking space was a perfect example of someone being nothing more than a complete ass!

Most of you know that we try to focus on the more productive in these pages. Once in a while, however, it’s ok to talk about the darker side.

As I unpack from one trip, only to launder my clothes for a jaunt back east tomorrow, I just can’t get this article out of my craw. From insensitive employers and coworkers to verbally abusive spouses, there is NO reason that we should put up with such comments.

The only way I can deal with these thoughts right now, I guess, is with an indigent, snorting laugh. “Some people’s kids…” So, rather than simply for the pity of it, I’d like to ask you for the pure pleasure of the humor only those who have been there can appreciate; What is the meanest thing / worst thing / stupidest thing that anyone has ever said about your MS?

Let’s all laugh at those people for their assumptions of us.

Time to party with the tofu!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Doc) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 17:43:00 +0000

Protein helpful in restoring myelin?

I'm psyched about this article, which discusses the result of research into protein: "A protein that helps build the brain in infants and children may aid efforts to restore damage from multiple sclerosis (MS) and other neurodegenerative diseases, researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis have found."

OK, so it was in EAE, but hey! We tofu-eating vegetarians perhaps really do have a leg up on MS in general. No Omega-3 oils for me except from flaxseed, but I am a total protein junkie, big time. I do know that fatty acids are prevalent in myelin, and one of my neuros keeps pushing the fishy stuff on me, but I'm not biting (heh) just yet. There is a veggie omega-3 out, made from the algae fish eat to make their omega-3, but I just haven't ordered off the net yet. I should prolly do that sometime soon.

In other news, it's hotter n hell out here in crAZy-- hit about 108 a couple of days ago, though today it's "only" 100. Yes, it is a dry heat, but it will still kill you dead. I will be using my cooling vest (Thank you MSAA and SteeleVest!!) a lot, methinks.

And of course, WORLD CUP starts TOMORROW!!! Of course, starts like 5, 6am my time... AIGH!