“So, really, Neil is the one who should be spanked.“
“Wow. I feel… special and loved.”  “It doesn’t matter sir, because your number was randomly selected…”
“Can I hang up the call now?”
“Do you know Matilda?“
“Are you going to record this call and put it on the Internet?”
“It is a cell phone, it is not a wall to paint pink.”

This is Part 3 of The iPhone Saga. You’ve been patient, but this is worth it, trust me. (I should note that this episode has a hot mic, so be forewarned. Comedic excellence isn’t always flawless…)

This time Stephan got on the horn, and he was all about ratting Neil out as the newbie he was. Even to the point that when I suggested Neil get spanked for his incompetence, Stephan was all over it, insisting they would “take some action” against him. (What intoxicating power I hold over Neil’s life!! Ha ha ha ha!!!!)

Personally, I found it hard to believe that out of the entire city, I was the only one selected for such a great cell phone deal. Man, am I one lucky guy, or what? But then when we got right down to it and I asked him if I was special, he didn’t pull any punches. Nope. He told me flat out: I’m not special. My NUMBER was special. Sheesh… hope his next job isn’t as a hostage negotiator.

Turns out the only way to become special to this guy was if I become his customer. Yeah. I know. Talk about a hard sell…

Then I derailed him with Neil again, whom he explains he” just sent” to the manager for a good talkin’ too. (Take THAT, Neil!)  Finally, though, I was frank with him. As frank as I’ve ever been with any telemarketer. I told him flat out that I was wasting his time. What he said next is priceless. (And what I said in response is even more so.)

I really,  REALLY had a good time with this guy. I think I was on top of my game, if I do say so myself. I’m going to edit Parts 4 & 5 this weekend as well, so they’ll be posted within a few days.

Brand Spanking Links: iPod Touch, iPhone 3G, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“Did you say I can tickle my wife’s nails?”
“Do I need to get one for each ear?“
“If I just use it for 29 days, will that be alright?”

A problem with their server? Their SERVER? How would a problem with their server affect a phone call? Are they using Skype? Dude!! What has telemarketing come to!?!? (These questions - and more - will be answered in time…)

This is just a short continuation of The iPhone Saga, serving to whet your appetite for Parts 3, 4 and 5.

Oh yes. Your jaws will drop with what’s in store for you, spankwise.

Brand Spanking Links: iPod Touch, iPhone 3G, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“My… mother… would not want me to do that.”
“Can I go to Alaska?“
“I can go to Pierreto Rico…?”
“I’m not sure if my son wants me to do this.“

I admit it. This conversation led to one of my worst impressions of a woman, EVER. In fact, I’ll venture that it’s one of the worst female impressions ANY of you have ever heard. Go ahead. Scour your memory. If you can think of one that’s worse than this, let me know. In many ways, however, I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that I don’t make a very good woman, y’know? I guess I just have too much testosterone flowing through my veins to get in touch with my feminine side. (Not that Nick noticed…)

Ah, Nick. One of my favorite moments was the sound he makes when my “Mother” say to him, “I’m not sure if my son wants me to do this.” Absolutely classic.

In many ways, this could be considered “The Joy of English, Part 2,” with all the misunderstandings along the way. Thankfully, with the help of “Mom” and “Jack,” I was able to wrap this episode up nicely. Or so I thought. Believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, but this episodes kicks off a sprawling Five Part Saga that I’ve decided to call “No iPhone For You!”

Note: My mic was a bit hot, but I tried to adjust my parts to balance it out. Apologies… best listened to on speakers rather than headphones.

Brand Spanking Links: iPod Touch, iPhone 3G, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“Is it fixed or adjusted on the rate?”    “Um… I believe so.”
“Which school?”   “Lakeside.”   “You did not!!”
“Did you have Mrs. Newton?”   “Yes!!”
“…you didn’t have the Arkansas accent…”     “That’s what gives me away!”

Alison was a sweet, sweet lady. She took the few verbal crumbs I fed her and ran headfirst down the rabbit hole I had created. I present this spanking to the public as a stern warning: don’t get taken off guard by people pretending to know you. This is how a con works, people. Listen and take notes. If I wasn’t the sweet-natured, funny guy I was, this could’ve been the beginning of a messy, messy affair. (Usually quite lucrative for con men without scruples, willing to break women’s hearts.) I’m not that guy, so I cut this one short before Alison could smoke me out for the faking rat I was.

Brand Spanking Links: Lakeside, Mrs. Newton, John Brown University, Con Men, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“I’ll get my end, too.”
“Did you talk to Don?”
“Are you speaking in code?”
“I don’t know what ya’ll did in Arizona.”

Here’s the video companion to “The Mary Lou Mystery Show, Part 2”

Honestly, I just want to get paid…

If you haven’t already listened to my conversation with Mary Lou in “The Mary Lou Mystery Show, Pt. 1,” or watched that video, be sure to do so BEFORE listening to this one. And if you listen closely, and you’ll hear that one of the characters I talk about actually changes their gender DURING the conversation… not that Mary Lou noticed…

Brand Spanking Links: San Antonio, Get Paid, Codespeak, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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Thus, what better way to launch the new year than with a very special “Rolling with TeleSpank” episode? (No, it’s not my favorite, but it was fun nonetheless. And for those who are scratching their heads asking themselves “WHY in the WORLD did he think this was funny?!?!” Well… you’ll have to visit this link to find out. And for the others who know EXACTLY what just happened? Thanks for playing. )

Unfortunately, I don’t think Ruby had a clue to what was going on… despite blasting it in the background… (sigh…)

Brand Spanking Links: RickRolling, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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I kinda picture this woman as a humble, Marcie-from-Peanuts kind of lady. Very quiet and soft-spoken, maybe with glasses. And mousy. She’s kinda timid and mousy. Even when I told her about my neato CLEAR credit card, she remained unamused. Unfazed. As if she were playing poker. Plus, she speaks in long, monotonous sentences. Let’s call her Marcie, shall we?

So, Marcie is of those callers who took me by surprise, in the end. I was shocked that she not only stayed on the line for so long, but continued to quietly-yet-persistently press in to get the sale. (Not unlike what happened in one of my favorite episodes, “That Feeling Inside.“) I guess once they’ve wasted enough minutes on the phone with some nut, they really REALLY want to get that sale. Lest they get an earful from their manager when he reviews the call log. Heh, heh.

I just have to say, if I don’t get an Oscar for my portrayal of “A Man In Pain,” there’s something wrong with the world we live in. Seriously. I opened my heart, my very foot to the world. It’s the least I deserve. Some kind of recognition… or a plug on your favorite local morning show… (Why, oh why must I always live in your shadow, Tom Mabe?!?)

Note: This episode is full of anguished cries and heavy breathing. It remains, however, family-friendly with a “PG” rating. An’ the only thing keeping it from being “G” is the fact that my character gets a TOOTHPICK stuck in his foot. And that might be scary to li’l Bobby, y’know? (Plus, they’d end up asking you a ton of questions. Kids do that. They ask and ask and ask and ask and they don’t stop until 1) you’ve answered sufficiently, or 2) you’re dead.)

Obviously, I’m one who answers any and all insane, inane questions sufficiently.

Note #2: This episode was based on a true event concerning my sister-in-law. And as soon as I heard the news (and mourned for her foot, accordingly) I went to work thinking of how I’d work such pain into a spanking. Click below to hear it in all its glory.

Brand Spanking Links: Marcie, Toothpick Incidents, Friday’s, LifeChurch.tv, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

Hey! Wanna help me get a FREE iPod Touch? (Wanna get one for yourself?) Click HERE to find out more! (I only need 5 referrals, so it’s first come, first served, people.)

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“May I have your name please?” “Uh… Keith.” “Chief?”
“I’m not, I’m not… I’m not, I’m not…“
“It would definitely really sound healthy… nor sanitary… to put a larvae in a bite.”
“I can’t gives you a comment on that. But I can enroll you in this program.“

I really DID have a nasty bout with a boil around the time of this episode. You know, MRSA? The “Super Bug” everyone’s been hearing about? Yeah, well, it ain’t so super, lemme tell ya. Starts as a pimple and then it’s all downhill from there. The difference between MY situation and “Keith’s” is I had mine professionally lanced at a clinic, rather than waiting for the lovely thing to burst on its own.

Wanna talk about pain? Go get a festering boil lanced and squeezed and pinched. Then we’ll talk. (Boy How DEE, did that hurt. An’ I have a low pain tolerance to start with. Seriously. You’d think I was a redhead or something.)

But enough about my daring survival stories… give it a listen already!

Brand Spanking Links: MRSA, Maggot Therapy, More Maggot Therapy, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“Are you between the ages of 18 and 70?”
“Sure, I’m like, 69.” “Oh! Perfect!”
“Ow! That hurts!!!”
“He grabbed my taser.” “Oh! No!”

Yes, this is a shameless attempt to capitalize on the Andrew “Don’t Tase Me, Bro!” Meyer incident of a few months ago. I admit this freely, so don’t bust my chops over it. In a few months the novelty of it all will wear off, but that catchphrase? Well, that’s gonna live on for eternity. (Can’t wait to explain to my grandkids that I was alive when the guy first shrieked it on YouTube. To which they’ll undoubtedly respond, “What’s YouTube!?!” Or, “What’s a taser!?”)

Anyhow, this is another installation what was completely unscripted. It’s not a favorite of mine, but like the others I think it’s still pretty dang funny. TeleSpank isn’t just always about wasting a telemarketer’s time. Sometimes it’s about giving them something to go home and talk about around the dinner table. You know, “How was your day, dear?” an’ stuff like that.

If I get a good opportunity I’ll try another crack at it someday. And I should emphasize that the recurring number theme was NOT intentional! It was the first number under 70 that stuck in my head and I ran with it. That’s it. Case closed. (Seriously. How nasty do you guys think I AM?!?)

Nevermind. Don’t answer that. I don’t wanna know.

Brand Spanking Links: The “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” Video, Wetness Protection, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“You’re scaring me, sir.”
“Can you feel it?” “Probably. Yeah, I guess so.”
“All ghosts are are electrons leftover from somebody’s spirit.”
“Are there ghosts in my computer?”
“An’ there’s four billion trillion electrons in your body.”
“I dropped a remote, but I didn’t drop all three.”

Once more I took an opportunity to call upon the vast depths of telemarketer wisdom and insight. Honestly, who knew that we just recently figured out that each electron holds about 100 gigabytes? Wow. What’s more, this guy really got into it, going so far as to give me a spontaneous lesson in Metaphysical Mumbo Jumbo 101.

What I found hilarious was the fact that even when I was pretty much busted and “the jig was up,” he STILL reassured that whatever ghosts might be in the house can’t hurt me. Now THAT is a thoughtful telemarkter!

Brand Spanking Links: Satellite, Pulse, White Noise, spirits, Computers, iPod Nano, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“What’s a Starz package?”
“I don’t subscribe to astrology.”
“I’ll just set up a time for you, and you’re not committing to anything at all.”
“But what happens if your people come out?“
“A lot of kids today, they don’t know their geography well.”

Alan was a nice enough guy. I’d say he was almost as polite as Brandon was. To be honest, I didn’t know where I was headed with this one, so I decided to fall back on the “I can’t decide without my wife” tactic. I made a point to position her as far away as possible, just in case Alan was gonna press me for the Hard Sell (as expected). Overall? I’d say it’s a luke-warm spanking set in a frigid climate.

On a side note, if you’re ever in the mood for a frigid, Antarctic novel, I heartily recommend Matt Reilly’s “Ice Station.” By far the most action-packed page turner I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. (And that goes for most ALL of his stuff!)

Brand Spanking Links: Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“And your telephone number, please?”
“Uh, it’s 7-6-5-7… 1-6-9-5-2.”
“Is this being recorded?” “No.”

This is another short but sweet, to-the-point spanking. I had the initial goal of making my Public (Podcast?) Service Announcement, but when she started gathering my information I just couldn’t resist messing her head a bit. Unfortunately, in the process I got a li’l dizzy myself, nearly losing my bearing.

But as the conversation played out, I was ready to jockey for position, reclaim the mic and lay it on the line.

Bottom line? As a podcast on iTunes, TeleSpank.com is one of hundreds competing in the comedy slot. I’d like to rise above the riff-raff out there. The podcast posers, if you will. I want TeleSpank to be one of the few, the proud, the featured podcasts. But I can’t do it without your help.

So seriously. If you have an iTunes account and wanna convince me this is as much fun for you as it is for me, consider clicking on the Review This Podcast button at the top. You’ll be whisked away to the iTunes Music Store where you can profess to the world your love of all things TeleSpank.

I’d really, really appreciate it. Honestly. I mean it. I’m not just blowing smoke, here.

Pretty please?

Brand Spanking Links: Review TeleSpank.com, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“Chef Master!!!”
“I’m the guy who can drink everything.”
“Kangaroo blood, both refrigerated and fresh…”
“Basically, if I can blend it, I’ll drink it.”
“I’m like, heck, I’m a real man.“
“If I get some Saran Wrap or something, she’ll kiss me… maybe a little tongue.”

Selling water filtration services? People, you just called the wrong guy.

If you listen closely you can hear good Charlotte actually gulp when I mention “how it all started” with the kangaroo blood down in Australia. Then as I’m tellin’ my tall (and I do mean TALL) tale, you can hear another lady laughing in the background! Whatever happened to privacy, people? Maybe I should just expect all incoming telemarketer calls to be party lines from now on.

I enjoyed mentioning my competition and the current World Record holder - Kevin Sphankderhoffer. Any chance I get, I think I’ll try to work his name into future conversations. It’s just fun to say. Come on, try it - Sphankderhoffer. (You KNOW you’re gonna be saying that the rest of the week…)

Sphankderhoffer.

Mining the ever-expanding Vault of Telemarketer Wisdom, Charlotte taught me this: I no longer have to fear drinking bleach, because apparently I already do. ‘Course, once I got her goin’ on that I could hardly get a word in edgewise. Still, the conversation was fun and her reaction entertaining, so I figure it’s worthy of Spankdom for now.

Brand Spanking Links: Hummer, iPod, BBQ, Coupons, Guinness Book of World Records, Australia, Kangaroo Wrestling, How NOT to wrestle with a Kangaroo, Sleeper Hold, Saran Wrap, iPod Nano, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“Can you call me Chachi?”
“We have a three by feet, a five by feet American flag.”
“You know, some got blind because of the tragic…”
“Hey, Lovey! How are you?” “I’m fine, Chauncey.“
“Can’t you just love me for the Chauncey that I am?”

Well, I was gonna post an entirely different episode today, but I JUST NOW received this call from Melody, and she kind of “dates” the podcast. Thus, if I didn’t post it today, it’d be completely out of place a month or two from now.

For those of you who enjoyed “The Yes Man,” I think you’re gonna dig this as well. Like a number of my other spankings, I kinda switch gears midway, but she’s so eager to sell that she either doesn’t notice or just doesn’t care. (Or both.) Either way, we ended up having a ton of fun.

Enjoy!

Brand Spanking Links: Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“I’m gonna tell you like this. Look. I’m be honest w’tchu…”
“You’re not even going to give me a cracker?”
“No, sir. We’re not talkin’ about crackers, we’re not talking about Easy Cheese. We’re talking about a vacation package, sir.”
“There is some qualifications… I’m not sure if you want to or not“
“Can I have an iPod?”

Tom didn’t really let me get a word in edgewise. As soon as he heard the initial hesitation in my response he went in for the kill. If I was anyone but a professional Spanker of Telemarketers, I might not have had a chance. As the case may be, however, I AM a professional Spanker. So I was ready to lock horns with this bad boy, straight out of the gate.

You’ll note that Tom is the kind of person Elaine and Jerry discussed on Seinfeld when they ranted about fast talkers. The guy was practically an auctioneer. Missed his calling, no doubt. (No, wait… after a Google search it seems they talked about LOW Talkers, not fast talkers. Ah, whatever… I’m keeping it in there…)

He didn’t want to play ball, though. I gave him multiple opportunities to sweeten the deal, put a little more spin on his spiel, but he wasn’t gonna have none of that. In fact, in the middle of my suggestions, he actually began to talk me OUT of going to the presentation. (Blink and you miss it…)

The kicker was my iPod question, though. That’s when you can actually hear the vein in Tom’s forehead throb a little bit louder, hear the sizzle as his blood begins to boil just a little bit hotter. You can’t miss it.

Brand Spanking Links: Travel, Florida, Free Gifts, Cracker, Triscuit, Easy Cheese, Fairfield Inn & Suites, iPod, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“I see you left your account in grrreat standing.”
“All the music? It’s in mono… now…”
“I’m not sure if this particular CD is in mono or not…”
“I read in AM magazine that they were going to make a mono CD.”

Jayme was young and energetic. She had her script and she was rarin’ to go, ready to re-enroll me in my abandoned music club. But she didn’t anticipate my recent smackdown with Mother Nature. If you listen closely you can actually hear her excitement die a quick death as I share the riveting story about my pain and loss, as well as my profound wisdom and insight into the frightening world of (*gasp*) mono.

Her comment regarding the mono capabilities of their CDs was the initial spark that motivated me to read as many books on improvisation as possible. ‘Cause you gotta be ready to yank their chains in a whole new direction when the conversation twists THAT quickly. Yowza!

I particularly enjoyed the part where I called for my wife to see if it would be okay if I could rejoin the club. Thankfully this call took place during one of the rare moments my entire family was out of the house, leaving me alone to play with my telemarketer toys as loudly as I wanted to.

Why the conversation took the unexpected twist in the end, I can’t tell you. I guess I was getting bored and wanted to wrap things up, so I made the conversation as awkward as I could. But as awkward as it became, I’m sure Jayme felt even more confused with my parting words.

I know I would, if I were still a telemarketer.

Brand Spanking Links: Music Club, eMusic, Audio Adrenaline, Strong Winds, Lightning, Bursting Ear, Mono CDs, AM Radio, Yelling, Dealing with Bullies, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“Ya ya ya.”
“May I ask what your favorite topping is?”
“My coworker Shawn would trip if he could hear you right now.”
“Naahhh…“
“Yeah, I luv you.”

So last week’s “Joy of English” spanking explored the complexities of the English language and all its intricacies. Miscommunication was rampant, and it resulted in an extra-long, extra enjoyable spanking. (On a side note, if you didn’t listen to it because it was so long and want me to repost ‘em in smaller, bite-sized segments, just drop me a line. I’m here to serve, people.)

THIS episode, on the other hand, is that one’s polar opposite. It’s short and and to-the-point, with no miscommunication whatsoever. As the Bible says, “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.‘” (Matthew 5:37)

And that, dear friend, is exactly what I did.

Brand Spanking Links: Yes or No, A Yes Attitude, When You Say Yes but Mean No, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“I have to pay YOU $900?!?”
“So, I didn’t win anything, then?”
“…and if more people would click on the ads, then I’d get paid more. Hint Hint.”
“I’m not just a one-date wonder…“
“I’ve got two balls and I use them. Wisely.”

I’ve debated whether to post this one since it’s a hefty 15 minutes long, but I’ve gotten enough positive feedback from people who listened to it on the official TeleSpank.com CD that I figured I’d make it available to everyone. (Yes, you might as well just hand me the generous Spankster of the Year award now, thank you very much…)

They say English is actually a very complex language to learn when compared to other languages. As Americans we might think we’re all that an’ a bag o’ chips, but when it comes to speaking our minds? Well, sometimes words have a way of gettin’ mixed up. I loved talking to Katie, though. Not only did I get an extended spanking out of the deal, but I think she actually thought I was funny. Seriously! She was also a heavy breather, which was kinda interesting as well. (Or were those sighs of exasperation?)

Overall, this episode waffles between painful and enjoyable (as usual), with plenty of awkward silences and a few subtle surprises for you, the listener. Although the audio quality degrades a bit toward the end, I think you’ll find it’s still well worth the full listen. Just slip on your headphones there at work and let the spankin’ begin…

Brand Spanking Links: Internet, MSN, AOL, Windows 98, Windows XP, Macintosh, The Macintosh Man In Me, Viruses, Google AdSense, Massage, Pop-Up Blocker, Spam Blocker, Scam Blocker, My Mother, Toilets, Buyer’s Remorse, Art of Persuasion, Spanish, Russian, Chechloslovakia, Aruba, Indian, The Simpsons, Smart, Package, Two Balls, Decision Making, Balls in a Sling, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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“Do you have a pen?”
“This is 65253… we’ve been compromised…”

Short and sweet, this prank spanking isn’t all that original, but I knew I had to take a crack at it anyway. I’ll have to try again someday, perhaps I’ll get someone a little less jaded, y’know?

At any rate, I figured I’d go ahead and post it while I’m preparing the next episode (to be uploaded in a few days). Thanks for being patient! My collection is swelling nicely, so there will be plenty of spankings ahead!

Brand Spanking Links: A Paranoid’s Ultimate Survival Guide, telemarketer prank, telephone prank, spanking telemarketers

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“Hi, Mary Lou. It’s… it’s been a while since I’ve talked to you.”
“I feel that it’s very important for me to finish… what I began…”
“If I run into you, that’s great. May the best… best person win.”
“Okay…”

This was the third call from Mary Lou, and I have to say, I was stunned. Her first two calls (”The Mary Lou Mystery Show, Pt. 1” and “The Mary Lou Mystery Show, Pt. 2“) were a day apart. But then there was a three week telemarketer drought, and I figured I had landed on some kind of twisted “Do Not Call” list. (My worst nightmare…)

 Thankfully, this wasn’t the case. Just as with Parts 1 & 2, I didn’t have this planned out in advance. I just picked up the phone and started rambling. I really hope she calls back someday, because now I have a full story unraveling in my head about how I saw her at the hotel in Iowa, and how she’s a pretty good shot after all… almost nicked my earlobe clean off…

Brand Spanking Links: Iowa, Get Paid, Prank Calls, TeleSpank, Spanking Telemarketers

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“It… it’s still alive… I can still feel it…”
“It’s kind of like a, big maggot, I guess…”
“I’ve gotta say, this is NOT worth $15.00.”
“Maybe you should see a doctor, sir.””

I planned this one a few weeks in advance. In fact, I even practiced on my brother a few days beforehand, and when he heard the realistic plunking of foreign objects into the toilet and asked what the heck was wrong with me, I just KNEW I had a golden spanking on my hands. Or at least the makings of one…

Talk about persistence, though. I mean, I know I told him that I really wanted him to continue so I could lower my mortgage, but COME ON! The lining of my stomach is practically hanging outta the corner of my mouth, here! Do I really care to answer what year my house was built, or whether it was made of straw or stick or bricks? I Think Not.

As fun as it was to pretend I’m puking my guts out throughout this one, this spanking’s glorious highlight can be found in its final three seconds. It’s a virtual TeleSpank Party Line!

Brand Spanking Links: Stomach bug, vomit, bole weevil, weasel, radio contests, larva, telemarketer prank, telephone prank, spanking telemarketers

Here’s a small visual to help enhance the episode… free of charge.

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I honestly never get tired of hearing this episode! The sheer insanity of it all! When I first picked up the phone I had a vague idea of what I wanted to say, but then when I opened my mouth an original, detailed story (read:lie) came gushing out. Thankfully she called back two more times, allowing me to extend the suspense for another two complete spankings. Yowza!

Brand Spanking Links: Arizona, Arizona 2, Get Paid, Uncontrolled Sobbing, Prank Calls, Telemarketers

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“She put the turtle in the toilet and flushed it!”
“Oh my… goodness… gracious…”
“I’m not used to seeing so much… blood…”
“You know, if it’s a turtle bite it might take a while…”

Wouldn’t you know it? Matilda just can’t seem to stay out of trouble! As if playing kissy-poo with an unsuspecting dog a few weeks ago wasn’t enough, NOW she’s moved on to torturing even MORE helpless creatures! But this time, Nature Bites Back.

With a vengeance.

Thankfully, Helen was there to calmly give me the advice and support I needed. Talk about a timely telemarketer! What WOULD I have done if she HADN’T been on the phone, huh? Perhaps it’s time we all said a quiet word of thanks for the telemarketers in our lives, shall we?

Brand Spanking Links: Magazines, Attack of the Turtle, First Aid for Turtle Bites

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“You did WHAT?”
“I kinda feel like… the world… is in trouble lately.”
“I believe that.”
“He’s completely… silver.”

This call didn’t go nearly as long as I had hoped. While I was able to mention how I had invented unstable molecules and kinda explain how they worked, I had only BEGUN to describe the mysterious “silver man” who had been visiting me lately. You know… the silver man? The guy who keeps saying the world is gonna end? Yeah, THAT guy. But halfway through my engaging story I was greeted with a most abrupt dial tone. :\

So sad… I didn’t even have the opportunity to talk about my friends Ben and Johnny, much less my primary competitor in life, Victor. Sheesh… some telemarketers just have no patience, y’know?

Brand Spanking Links: Unstable Molecules, Fire, Invisibility, Silver Surfer, Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four 2

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“I could really use more comic books.”
“Good ol’ Lincoln.”
“Not only could you use it to spend money, but you can also kill people with it.”
“Pooooooooooooop.”

Brandon was a great guy. A cheerful, wide-eyed kid ready to take on the world of telemarketing sales. If I were to guess, I’d have to say this was his first week on the job. The guy was downright minty, like he had been freshly-pressed from the Telemarketing Machine. He took each and every bizarre comment I made in stride, never once keeping his eyes off the prize.

Toward the tail end of our conversation, I enthusiastically asked if I could talk with Brandon’s manager about some of my unique incentive ideas. He said sure, and quickly put me on hold… for the next 6 minutes. That’s right. The Spankster was spanked by my very own spankee.

Here I was, wasting his time like a professional, an’ he done turned the tables on me! Sneaky, sneaky spanker…

Brand Spanking Links: Comic Books, DC, Marvel, The Incredible Hulk, Lincoln, Tithing, Ninja Stars, Kitty Litter, Poop, Massage, Enya, Prank Calls

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“I’ll get my end, too.”
“Did you talk to Don?”
“Are you speaking in code?”
“I don’t know what ya’ll did in Arizona.”

Wow. A few days ago I was worrying about not getting enough telemarketers to call me, and now I have the pleasure of my first repeat performance. Mary Lou was so determined to get her sale, she called back! Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a tenacious telemarketer!! (Or just a concerned citizen… trying to gather hard evidence of… what? Two guys having a beer in Arizona? Trading rare baseball cards? She’s clueless, but she knows this much: I’m mighty nervous about “people finding out.”)

Honestly, I just want to get paid…

If you haven’t already listened to my conversation with Mary Lou in “The Mary Lou Mystery Show, Pt. 1,” be sure to do so BEFORE listening to this one. And if you listen closely, and you’ll hear that one of the characters I talk about actually changes their gender DURING the conversation… not that Mary Lou noticed…

Brand Spanking Links: San Antonio, Get Paid, Codespeak, Prank Calls

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“Stop Touching Your Money!”
“Do not kiss the dog’s butt!”
“Stop playin’, man.”

Antonio was a patient guy, much more than I had expected. Turns out he was the ideal candidate to meet Matilda. She’s kind of my female version of Dennis the Menace. On crack. Matilda makes that kid look like a regular Beaver Cleaver or choir boy. She’s just not well in the head. She’s also invaluable when I want to play the straight man in the spanking, as I did here.

To be honest, I think I enjoyed this spanking more than some of the others because Tony was able to share in the sheer horror of it all right alongside me. We were like brothers, equally disgusted by Matilda’s outrageousness. In the end he said he’d call back, but it’s been a few days now and I haven’t heard from him. :\ Perhaps he’s afraid of what she’ll do next? (And really, shouldn’t we all be?)

Brand Spanking Links: Money Tree, House Arrest, Martha Stewart, Stay-At-Home Dad, Texas, Toilets, Boiler Room, Prank Calls

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“This is a phone company.”
“Do I need to talk to Don?”
“I just want to get paid.”

I’ll tell ya, for a while there I thought I had wound up on some kind of telemarketer Do Not Call List. After hitting the ground running with “Branson & Six Flags & Toilets, Oh My!“, I was eager to test my mad improv skillz once more on another unsuspecting contestant. Instead, I was left hanging, with nary a seller to spank.

Until today. And let me be the first to assure you: it was worth the wait.

Just when I thought I couldn’t top myself with Ol’ Man Toilet Cleaner from “Branson & Six Flags & Toilets, Oh My!“, an entirely new, neurotic character bubbled to the surface and had a chat with Mary Lou. Or a complete meltdown…. whichever you want to call it… (I call it dang funny)

Brand Spanking Links: Arizona, Arizona 2, Get Paid, Uncontrolled Sobbing, Prank Calls

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“I love the hot wings… they give me gas.”
“When I did the loop I wet my pants.”
“Oh My, InDEED!”

This was my very first attempt at Spanking Telemarketers, and I have to admit - it couldn’t have gone any better. Not only did I get the chance to really get into character, but I was able to keep Bernadette and Michelle on the phone for a good ten minutes! To be honest, this was my second conversation with Bernadette. I tried to capture our original one the week before, but the phone battery died halfway in and I was left with 5 minutes of utterly depressing silence.

Nonetheless, the subsequent spanking you’re about to hear was well worth that small setback. So sit yourself down, take a load off and prepare to laugh ’til you cry.

Brand Spanking Links: Las Vegas, Branson, Shrimp, Hot Wings, Gas, Six Flags, Roller Coaster Incontinence, Cleaning Toilets, Tornadoes, Patriotism, Prank Calls

Legal Disclaimer: If you’re rabidly pro-Branson and take serious offense by this post, please keep in mind that it was done in jest and in character. My character didn’t care for Branson. He’s not real. He’s pretend. So don’t come cryin’ to me, the Spankster, about it, okay? There. Legal disclaimer thingy over.

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