Ari Teman's Blog

Comedian Ari Teman has started the hashtag #GoFuckYourselfBen and it’s going viral. With the likes of veteran comedian Todd Barry and Saturday Night Live‘s Brooks Wheelan contributing to the viral campaign via Twitter, Vine and other social media, Ben Kronberg stands to gain more traction than comedians who were well-received on Last Comic Standing but were not voted into the semi-finals. Check out Todd Barry and Brooks Wheelan’s contributions to #GoFuckYourselfBen below.

#GoFuckYourselfBen

Intimate Comedy

Ari Teman — Sun, 25 May 2014 14:49:26 +0000

Join New York’s top comedians every Thursday at Intimate Comedy with Ari Teman (Howard 101, Today Show, CBS, ABC, FOX, Opie & Anthony, SiriusXM, BBC, Vh1, etc.) and comedians from Letterman, Tonight Show, Conan, Comedy Central, MTV, HBO, and more.

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On this wonderful ball.

Ari Teman — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 22:00:30 +0000

Don’t listen to people,
Who tell you, “Sit down, shut up!”
It took you billions of years to get here.
You’ve been quiet enough!

The sun shines outside,
on fields gold and green.
Why are you in that box?!
There’s a world to be seen!

Go out! Start Playing!
Life is a game!
Don’t just play by the rules,
You’re not here to be plain.

There’s a world inside you.
Wonders yet to be seen.
Of which you are the creator.
You’re no programmed machine.

True, there are parasites and predators,
There is dirt and there’s pain.
But from dirt grows a flower,
With some clouds and some rain.

There is energy and mass.
We are carbon with names.
That red fish, that blue fish?
They’re one and the same.

There are times when we break.
There are times we’re alone.
When there’s nothing you can do,
Just keep keep-on-go’in.

How would you act different
If God spoke to you today,
If you would behave different
Why not say what you’d say?

See, you don’t need a God
Telling you how to be good.
We’re all in this together.
Everywhere, everyone is one of your hood.

Imagine a world.
Because that’s all you can do.
No matter where you are,
It’s all inside of you.

Your brain makes the picture.
Your heart makes the love.
You can scrape from below.
You can dream from above.

Now, go out!
Go create! Go experience! Go do!
Accept what you see!
Accept you for you!

There is power. There is love,
There is good. There is great.
Some people feel lucky.
Some people blame fate.

Don’t get me wrong –
Life can be shit.
Sometimes pain keeps coming,
No matter how it gets lit.

People die, cry, lie, fry.
And you can’t solve it all.
But go have a big bounce,
On this wonderful ball.

~ Ari Teman June 03, 2013

Today’s Thoughts: March 28, 2013 (Thursday)

Ari Teman — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 03:41:41 +0000

People who die on the toilet are over-thinking. Technically, bombing North Korea would violate an embargo on importing new technology into that state. Denying your anorexia is a big fat lie. To a Jewish girl about to marry a German: “Are you sure he’s your final solution?” Wait, we have predator drones and STILL Michelle Bachman? We can probably scientifically disprove science. The 2011 Japan earthquake shortened Earth days by 1.8 microseconds…there goes my nap. A bunch of gay dudes should totally take over the Republican Party right now — Republicans love politicians with great hair and gay dudes are great at fixing up neighborhoods. “Juggle” is a great word — almost as great as “jiggle”.

Today’s Thoughts: March 25, 2013 (Monday)

Ari Teman — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 21:00:49 +0000

On Passover I go to the Met and chew Matza in front of a mummy, “We won!” What do you mean you can’t define it? “I, for one,…”? Who is saying, “I, for two,…”? Pregnant women? “I, for two, would like some pickles.” Khazars (google it). I hope to God these atheists are wrong. Two zuz is a great price for a goat. Architects go window shopping. Air conditioner but no air shampoo?

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Today’s Thoughts : March 24, 2013 (Sunday)

Ari Teman — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 01:37:46 +0000

How do you tell a duck to watch his head? People keep pissing in subway cars, so clearly the MTA needs to hang more poetry. Oh, you’re “going for a run”? You’re not just, “running”? My doctor is hyper-specialized — all he does is deny my insurance. Staten Island never disappoints me in its ability to disappoint me. Our desire to live is an evolutionary mutation. Exaggerating has gone too far. “Roses are red, violets are blue — what!? No they’re not.” I don’t mean to brag, but I hated Muslims BEFORE 9/11. It’s in the pharmaceutical companies’ interest for you to stay sick and health insurance companies’ for you to die. Happy Passover, Egyptians!

Today’s Thoughts: March 22, 2013 (Friday)

Ari Teman — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 21:52:38 +0000

“Ass backwards”– Isn’t that the correct direction? “Whoa, this thing is ass forwards.” Call me Ishmael — actually, don’t, I need to get on a plane. Bro, just because you scored doesn’t mean you won. Porn music: you can’t define it, but know it when you hear it. I think we should stop calling them DJ’s and start calling them “iTunes users” or “shuffle jockeys”. Tea spoon, soup spoon, table spoon — who is eating a table? It’s rude to eat in the middle of txting! Today is World Water Day and tomorrow is World Day Day, where you celebrate celebrating your favorite arbitrarily-named day! “Mint candy — whoa, spearmint? Peppermint? What kind of mint?” I bought a can of decompressed air; it was empty. “Politically active” is an oxymoron. Progress is driven by the insane. I have a wikipedic memory — I remember everything anonymous strangers insert in my mind. Why don’t you see any science fair reports on cooties? It’s grammatically possible the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were normal turtles who practiced a bastardized ninjutsu. If life made sense skinny people would be hungrier than fat people. I saw a horse using a paintbrush and told him, “I love what you’ve done with your hair.” One horse to another regarding Mr. Ed: “Why’s he speaking English? He’s too good for Horse?” Someone shit-faced is not necessarily a shit face, but a shit face is always a shit head, which doesn’t mean he’s got shit for brains, but he’s probably been shit-talking and it’d be the shit if he’d wipe that shit-eating grin, step in shit, eat shit and die. Shit, that was some crazy shit. Most people who say they believe in God don’t know what that means. Not everyone will love you, which is good, because I already get too many facebook invites. Rich men like antique objects and young women, who they consider objects. Ironically, most gold-diggers are fiscally irresponsible. Life is like a box of cereal. Tom Hanks called his volleyball “Wilson” because the island was too small to have a girlfriend. Am I damaged or healed? The phrase “mentally challenged” is more offensive and even less accurate than what it replaces — anyone solving a riddle is “mentally challenged”. Our path to inclusion is being retarded. That means slowed, which isn’t accurate in describing genetic differences of people who do many things very fast, like: smile, hug, laugh, and love. And count toothpicks. Everyone is different, and everyone is a mutation, and everyone is wonderful. Well, almost everyone. Ok, some people. Ok, nobody. We all suck.

Today’s Thoughts: March 21, 2013 (Thursday)

Ari Teman — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 23:30:58 +0000

Today’s Thoughts: “Television set? I see only one.”. At the supermarket I put all my eggs in one basket. Less cars, more trains. Why does it cost hundreds to take a government subsidized Amtrak train? My dog’s shampoo was tested on animals. I’d learn Method acting, but what’s my motivation? “Oh, you offer ‘convenient’ home phone service — can you wire the phone into my pocket?” A Subaru is best during a blizzard, when it’s difficult for people to see that you’re driving a Subaru. I’m willing to dump Taylor Swift for a song. Do you realize you look like a bunch of Snookies? Some people need religion because their real parents didn’t do the job. Everything you know is fiction. Hey, nobody released a documentary on food this week — did we win? If Bloomberg could ban transfats, why doesn’t he ban corn syrup? The piano is one of mankind’s most beautiful inventions. “Paperback”? What about the front? Imagine if school taught how to live. I gave a novelist a book stop and he got writer’s block. Why are we cloning woolly mammoths when Beatles are going extinct!? I’m going to name my band Farewell so people rush to attend the Farewell concert. “Diction” — I’m not going to say it twice. Everything good for you is bad for you. My parents are amazing, and I still turned out this way. My sister is definitely version 2.0. If your song consists of the phrase, “na na na”, are you really a songwriter? The white house has no mirrors — when you want to know what you look like, you stand still and someone paints you. Its better to be a dropout than to graduate Brandeis. Yale has lots of secret societies because nobody wants to hear about them. I once made a Harvard girl cry and run out of a parliamentary debate. Does Matt Damon like apples?

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Today’s Thoughts: March 20, 2013 (Wednesday)

Ari Teman — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 21:11:36 +0000

What are the youth up to these days? Do they still measure by days? Most folks who brag they’re proud to be from the USA are from a part of the country that succeeded. Republicans freed the slaves and black people hate us, how’d we fuck that up? The “overhead” compartment is over your entire body. “Oh you were mesmerized? That’s because I studied mesmering.” I’d like to meet a beautiful, balanced, down-to-earth, fun, low-maintenance, Jewish girl — And also a unicorn. “Plan ahead” is redundant. They sell two-hundred-dollar garbage cans — designer trash. It’s funny how health nuts realize they need to “convince” you their food is tasty. I should have written these before I took a sedative. There are Jewish last names “Gold” and “Goldman” — “So, you’re in gold — are you a woman?” “No I’m a gold man, gold man…call me Goldman.” I’ve blown a lot of air through animal horns, for obvious religious reasons. They used to anoint new kings with oil, until they got sponsored by Gatorade. If vinyl is called 33 1/3 and 45, why weren’t CD’s called 500′s? A female Asian cab driver was — stop, you bigots. Why are bags sold in boxes?

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