The Hollywood Temp Diaries

Pictures of Hollywood

2012-05-23T07:16:00.002-07:00

From outside the KTLA studio lot. I wonder who they're expecting...

If you have any photos you'd like to share, send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com

Miki Yamashita!!!

2012-05-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

It's not often that I get to say I know someone sort of famous. In fact, I'm probably the most famous person I know...that is until now. One of my long-time fans (and the best voice in the Temp Diaries Tabernacle Choir) made her Tonight Show debut the other night in a "Jay Walking" segment about whether people can sing or not.

Please enjoy Miki Yamashita. She makes her debut at 1 minute into the spot. When you're done watching it, please hire her.

Tales from the bottom

2012-05-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, people get bored of my pontificating and decide to share their own tales of woe in Hollywood. I prefer this because it basically means I get all the fun of good content without having to write it.

So if you ever have any good stories you want to share, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. For now, please enjoy this one I received the other day.

A few months ago I was working on the [singers' names redacted] music video in NYC. I'd lived in New York for a little over a year at this point and had driven on many jobs. But since it's mainly a walking/subway city, still was unsure of some of the streets downtown.

I was asked to go pick up [producer's name redacted] at her hotel in Chinatown and take her to location in Herald Square. I showed up an hour early with the car. She gets in the car and is ready to go. At a red light, I glance at the map on my phone to make sure I take the correct turn.

She snaps, "Oh my God! They sent me a PA that doesn't know NY, this is terrible! Hon, if you look at that phone again, you don't work with me."

So I put down my phone and make my way up 6th Ave to location. The traffic is insane, bumper to bumper. She is immersed in her computer and snaps again, "You need to go faster! The director is already there. Do you want me to drive, because I will." What she fails to see is that the street is PACKED and if I went any faster we would be inside the trunk of the cab in front of us.

So, to make her happy, I drive like a cabby -- pulling up in every open space possible. Then she goes, "Ugh! I can't do this!" She grabs all her stuff and gets out of the production vehicle, walks to the (also stuck in traffic) cab next to us and hops in it.

I called the production office and told them what happened, they said to not sweat it and come back to pick up the line producer. I went back, picked up the line producer and took her to location only to see [producer's name redacted] get out of the cab she ditched me for across the street. Then she bitched out the line producer and told her I was driving way too slow and that this shit wouldn't cut it in LA.

I worked a 22-hour day and was asked to come in the next day to help out in the office because "there's just too much to get done." I gladly did so. Then when I filled out the time sheet and put my hours in, the line producer said, "Why'd you do that? " Then crossed out my hours, changed it to 10 hours and said, "there's no OT on this job." This is the first I'd heard of that.

Then the check didn't show up for two months.

Great Moments in Product Placement History - Modern Family

2012-05-10T11:00:00.001-07:00

It must have been "Corporate Synergy Week" or some other ridiculous edict, because last night's episode of Modern Family turned into a 30-minute infomercial for Disneyland. Or perhaps they're just kissing a little parent company ass while contract talks are going on.

(And in the event you're keeping track, the cast says "Disneyland" three times and "The Happiest Place on Earth" once before the opening credits even run.)

To the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2012...

2012-05-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked to give the commencement address to the 2012 graduates of Emerson College. This is a decent honor (like most Emerson students, UT-Austin was my first choice), but I accepted it anyway. In the process of writing this speech, I realized Hollywood execs are smarter than first thought. Turns out it's much easier to remake something than it is to start from scratch.

Following is a transcript of that address...

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2012:

Sunscreen sucks.

If I could offer you only one tip for your future in Hollywood, skip the sunscreen. The short-term perks of a tan -- the healthy glow, tantalizing bikini lines -- have been proven time and again. The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this nonsense now.

Sleep around.

It's fun. Everyone in Hollywood is good looking. When poolside at the Roosevelt, tell the model wannabe next to you that you're a producer on CSI: Miami. Then see what happens. Bottle service helps.

Vomit.

There's no better way to keep your body in shape than doing abdominal crunches while talking on the Porcelain telephone.

Be jealous.

This town is full of people who get things they don't deserve. Some day, that person might be you. And then you can look down on the masses and mock them.

Keep your old bank statements. Throw away your love letters. Only one of these is beneficial in divorce court.

Smoke cigarettes.

Parliament Lights. Marlboro Lights. Camel Lights. Any of them act as a fantastic appetite suppressant. Smoking makes you cool and it looks great on film. But don't smoke pot because it'll make you hungry.

Plagiarize.

Just tell everyone that your script is an homage to Chayefsky's Network, not a scene by-scene redo. (But hire a good lawyer just in case.)

Buy knee pads.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have an affair with the boss and get promoted. Maybe you'll accidentally get knocked up and have to have an abortion which your boss will put on his corporate AmEx and make you file the expense report. Maybe he'll go back to his wife because he can't afford a divorce in a communal property state especially in this economy.

Love is a relative term.

Whatever you do, don't ever stop self promotion. The key to success in Hollywood is convincing others of how great you are, even if it's not true.

Enhance your body.

If you see something sagging, bagging or dragging, it's best to nip it, tuck it and suck it. If God didn't want you to get plastic surgery, he wouldn't have invented Dr. 90210.

Lap Dance.

Because it pays more than temping and you'll meet more Hollywood executives that way.

Read the directions.

Because your boss's iPhone won't program itself.

Read fashion magazines. Inner beauty is for ugly people.

Get to know your parents. Because once you become a big Hollywood star, you'll blow them off in favor of partying at the Playboy mansion.

Be nice to your siblings. They've got dirt on you that they'll happily to sell to the National Enquirer if you screw them over.

Understand that Hollywood friends come and go because if they can't do anything for you, they're not worth your time. Plus it takes way too long to get from Santa Monica to Los Feliz.

Live in Hollywood once, but leave before you get stupid. Live in Burbank once, but leave before you get bored.

Drink heavily.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Reality programs are here to stay. Movie studio execs are mostly lazy. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, TV shows had scripts and some movies weren't remakes.

Suck up.

Nothing will get you further in Hollywood than kissing ass. Differentiate yourself by ass kissing in different ways such as the Spider-man Kiss ("You produced Spider-man 3? I love when Mary Jane sings!") and the French Canadian Kiss (It's like a regular kiss, but without union difficulties and with a better exchange rate.)

Find someone to support you. Maybe they have a trust fund. Maybe...oh it's probably a trust fund. But hold on with a vice grip because it's easier than working.

Use hair extensions because they look completely natural. Make sure you use a nice epoxy when installing them.

Advice is a way to helping others. Don't offer it. Dispense "recommendations" that won't work, because you don't want someone younger and with a higher, firmer butt passing you on the final lap.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

"My life in Hollywood sucks" -- May calendar

2012-05-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

Ask the Genius: John Estrada

2012-04-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

See this movie.

After a bit of a layoff, I'm proud to announce the return of "Ask the Genius." The idea of ATG is to ask people in the know about stuff they know. Today's edition is with John Estrada. John shares his thoughts on producing his first feature film, the
sci-fi thriller GB2525.

For more information about buying the movie, check out the website www.gb2525.com or email gb2525@earthlink.net. A copy of the trailer is at the end of the post.

DID YOU ATTEMPT TO TAKE IT TO STUDIOS OR WERE YOU ALWAYS PLANNING ON MAKING THIS YOURSELF?
Initially this film was part of a slate of projects I pitched to several studios/financiers/production companies with the “hook” being these films would target the growing Hispanic movie going audience. It was a "pass" from all whom we approached, primarily because we were unproven filmmakers with no track record of commercial success and none of our film projects had any recognizable cast attachments (e.g., Olmos, Smits, Leguizamo). Finally, after getting a pass from Roger Corman’s company, we decided to stop searching and make it ourselves.

HOW DID YOU SECURE FINANCING FOR THE PROJECT?
We decided to self-finance this film. Financing was jumpstarted by one of the creative players, the film's co-director. An actor already committed to star in the movie also offered to invest some money too and later earned a co-producer credit by taking on some additional duties. In the end, all three creative players responsible for making this film each contributed money to fund the making of this film.

HOW LONG DID EACH PHASES OF THE PROCESS TAKE?
Script development took about one year from the first time I heard the idea, to shaping a storyline and to creating characters that we really liked. Once we decided we were going to make this film ourselves, casting took about two months. Staffing fell into a similar time frame, though it was much more difficult getting reliable crew since we had no money to pay them. Shooting the film took about two years, spread out over many weekends (since all of us had full-time jobs).

WHAT WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST CHALLENGES OF MAKING AN INDIE MOVIE?
One of the biggest challenges was the scheduling and organizing of the production schedule. In combination with that was securing locations that provided production value at an inexpensive rate. Both situations worked hand in hand because not having a location to shoot meant our schedule would be extended by one to three weeks. This in turn affected availability of actors and crew, but this came as no surprise.

WHAT WERE YOUR BIGGEST TAKE AWAYS FROM MAKING THE MOVIE?
There were two major take aways:

Have a clear understanding of who the market/audience is for the film.
Create and maintain a shared vision by the key creative players of what the film is and what it can be.

TALK ABOUT YOUR MARKETING STRATEGY.
We are currently targeting the “friends and family” network to drive sales. Simultaneously, we are utilizing the power of social networking to create fans of the film, and drive visits to the website. Our core audience is Hispanics, so we are compiling websites and portals where we can generate buzz, including focusing our efforts in California, Arizona and Texas, where the biggest demographics reside. Since we are a sci-fi film as well, we are researching sites and venues that can play a role in building awareness. The objective is to keep things simple, build awareness, and drive sales.

WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP FOR THE MOVIE?
As of today, we are fully exploiting our film via DIY Distribution utilizing Create Space via Amazon.com – both DVD and VOD. We have just completed our website that features our newest trailer and has direct links to both options for folks who want to purchase our film (via DVD or VOD).

ANY FINAL THOUGHTS?
Working with the people I did in making GB2525 was one of the greatest experiences in my life. I believe we made the best film to our capabilities, considering the severe lack of resources and money. All of the lessons I learned while making this picture, great and small, were incredibly valuable to me, and serve as a personal archive for me to review for future projects. Creativity, vision, passion, persistence, and salesmanship are the required fundamentals for independent filmmakers.

Happy Anniversary to Nikki and the Chipmunks

2012-04-26T08:32:00.001-07:00

Today marks the two-year anniversary of one of my favorite Nikki Finke-isms - headline but no article. The suspense is killing me. Check it out for yourself.

The most wonderful time of the year

2012-04-23T08:22:00.002-07:00

Not Dog X.

Happy Administrative Professionals Week. If you're reading this right now, you're probably thinking, "I pray to any holy deity (or Eric Clapton) that this is the last time this statement applies to me." Aren't we all?

Some employers like to use this celebration of administrative types as chance to do some role playing (not the kinky sex kind, unless you're in to that). So you might get a chance to swap out positions with your boss for a just a few minutes. This way you get to see a future you'll never have while your boss quietly wonders why he agreed to this ridiculous activity. The folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries suggest you take full advantage of this opportunity in the following ways:

Have your boss get you coffee: As you're now the boss, tell your "assistant" to make a Starbucks run for you. When he comes back with the venti, sugar free, non-fat, no-foam, extra caramel macchiato you ordered, tell him to take it back because it's cold. If the coffee is still scalding hot, just throw it at your "assistant" and say, "Iced coffee! Between April 1 and September 30, it's always iced coffee!!" Watch and chuckle as he endures second-degree burns.

Call me Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Roll calls to your friends and other people not related to work: This accomplishes two separate and distinct purposes: 1) it shows your boss that dialing the phone is so easy, even she can do it, and 2) it shows your boss that she wastes a shitload of time on personal stuff and every time she does, it keeps you from doing your actual job.

Introduce them to the multi-function photocopier: The bane of your existence will now be the bane of your "assistant's." Give her a stack of scripts, receipts and invoices that are bradded, paperclipped and stapled (respectively) and say you need three copies of each. If the undoing and re-doing of the binding doesn't get to her, then the inevitable paper jam will. And if that doesn't drive her bat shit crazy, throw everything out and tell her to do it again...double sided. Remember, we're running a "green" company here.

L'art poor art.

A closed-office meeting: Express your disappointment because your "assistant" isn't as chipper as you want him to be. Heck, you could have a new person in here starting in 10 minutes who would be grateful for the opportunity to perform the preceding tasks while making $10.50/hr. And that person would do it with a smile, Goddammit! When your "assistant" inevitably explains (quite unconvincingly) how much he loves his job, tell him it's too late. You've already found a replacement who is better looking and has a cuter butt. That's right, fire 'em.

And that's how you celebrate Administrative Professionals Week.

Health Insurance: Original* Art from Temp X

2012-04-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

*With an assist from Charles Schultz

THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND EVER (or at least according to Darling Nikki)

2012-04-17T07:15:00.004-07:00

You're probably wondering why I haven't made fun of Nikki Finke in a while. The truth is, I stopped caring about her site. She doesn't do anything different or better than THR, Variety or The Wrap. In fact, with the exception of the periodic (and needless) use of first person in an article, you'd never know the difference between any of these publications. But then this little gem comes in courtesy of one of my fans - a breaking news item that will quickly send Hollywood running for the 405.

Nikki is on vacation!

To quote my favorite TV show Archer, "HOLY SHIT SNACKS!"

In the delusional and self-important world of one Nikki Tiberius Finke (and yes, that's her middle name), this is the most significant news since the famed Culver City traffic jam that never was caused by her show that never will be.

If you think I'm kidding...

WARNING: Breaking news will ruin the screen on your iPhone 4S.

"Here comes a Job" - A song parody for the times

2012-04-13T08:54:00.001-07:00

Not Hasidic

I know there are some of you out there who hate when I write song parodies. So if you're one of these people, this is probably the day you want to avert your gaze or read some other, less interesting, blog. But for those of you who enjoy them as much as I do, I have a special treat for you today.

While it's a meaningless fact, I share the same birthday as the late George Harrison (also Carrot Top and Jim Backus, but that's less relevant). So inspired by his musical deftness, I've written another song for you to enjoy. It's called "Here comes a Job" to the tune of "Here comes the Sun."

All you need to do now is click on the play button for musical accompaniment and sing along.

HERE COMES A JOB
Lyrics by Temp X
Music by George Harrison

Here comes a job

Here comes a job, and I say

Just kidding

Unemployment, my benefits are running out

Unemployment, my rent is eight, no, nine days past due

Here comes a job

Here comes a job, and I say

Just kidding

Unemployment, the jobless rate is 10 percent

Unemployment, it seems like years since I've had work

Here comes a job

Here comes a job, and I say

Just kidding

Job, job, job, hire me

Job, job, job, food ain't free

Job, job, job, woe is me

Job, job, job, EDD

Job, job, job, hire me

Unemployment, will an Obama second term help?

Unemployment, it's almost noon I'm still in bed

Here comes a job

Here comes a job, and I say

Just kidding

Here comes a job

Just kidding

It's not right

I'm four years old

2012-04-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

Guess which favorite website of yours turns four today? If you guessed me, you're smart. If not, I'll give you a second chance.

Keep on kissing ass. It's bound to get you somewhere in this town. It totally worked for me.

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

2012-04-10T06:34:00.001-07:00

You wish you were me.

Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.* Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2. And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater. If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting. Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am currently a senior at Ohio State and am graduating in June. Needless to say I will be applying for jobs soon and was curious if you believe it is overkill to send a cover letter when one is not requested, or is it assumed when one would send a resume.

Buenos Dias.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Oh to be young and stupid again. Actually, to be honest, I was young, but never quite this stupid. I'm sure it's a bit disorienting. You probably wake up in the morning and wonder which shoe goes on which foot - this despite the fact that they are labeled "Left" and "The Other One."

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the only experience you have is an internship (at best) and, more likely, only as a waiter at Hang Over Easy on Neil Ave. So in reality you have nothing. This means you need to do your damnedest to convince HR that your "can-do" attitude is good for doing something other than serving up the offensively-named "Dirty Sanchez" - scrambled eggs, chorizo, hoe fries (keeping it classy) and cheddar cheese wrapped in a soft flour tortilla and smothered in (even more) cheddar cheese, salsa and sour cream. A well-crafted cover letter might just help.

Just make sure there are no typos in your note. And don't be so pretentious as to write The Ohio State University. You and I both know OSU is still only the fifth-best school in the Big Ten regardless of how many definite articles you use.

Just look for this.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a Canadian who lives in Canada right now, and have had little success getting responses to my applications. I feel my background's pretty strong. More importantly, I'm passionate about film, have some experience in writing and making short flicks, and I feel my cover letters are fairly strong as well.

Is it possible that I'm not getting responses since I'm not a U.S citizen?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Duh and duh. While the Canadian unemployment rate is 7.2 percent, the jobless rate in California is 10.9 percent. And don't get me started on the whole H1-B visa process. I don't care how nice your resume is, you stand a better chance of finding the God particle with a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers than you do finding a job in Hollywood. [Note: Despite what you might think, the God particle isn't named after me, although it should be.]

Coming soon to a theater near you?

2012-04-05T12:04:00.001-07:00

Eddie Murphy = Funny?

Hollywood is so risk averse that they've - and this is not a joke - decided to make sequel to the 1988 Danny DeVito/Arnold Schwarzenegger film Twins and call it Triplets. The execs at Universal, who have clearly lost their collective minds, are adding Eddie Murphy as the long-lost brother to a movie that will win the 2014 Razzies for Worst Film, Worst Actor (tie between Murphy and Schwarzenegger) and Worst Screenplay. Kelly Preston is a little long in the tooth to come back as Marnie Mason. So the Worst Actress nominee, but not winner, will go to Olivia Munn for her role as Laura Lau, the love interest.

So it the spirit of needless sequels, the folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries have put together a list of other brainless films we'd like to see. [Note: If any of these get made, I want 10 percent of the gross.]

$74.99 on eBay

Titanic Two: A chip off the old block - Seventeen years after the fabled boat sinks, Rose is happily married with two children living in a remote town in Northern Idaho. Things get confusing when a lobster fisherman outside of Winter Harbor, Maine comes across a giant block of ice which contains the cryogenically frozen body of Jack Dawson. When they thaw him out, it becomes an international sensation. When the news ultimately reaches Rose, it becomes love triangle she never expected. Meanwhile Cal Hockley tracks down Jack because he needs Le Cœur de la Mer to cover his stock market losses. Cal is convinced that Jack can lead him to Rose and, ultimately, the the priceless diamond.

I'm on the phone

Dr. Strangelover or: How come only one of us has a uterus? - The bombs went off all over everywhere thanks to a busted radio and an overeager Major Kong. But in an ultimate bit of irony, the only people who were saved from the nuclear holocaust were the people in the war room and Miss Scott, who was en route to see General Turgidson when the bombing began. The sequel focuses on the challenges of starting a new society with only one woman in a room full of aesthetically, intellectually and emotionally repulsive men.

Skeet surfing?

Surf and Fight: Apocalypse Now Re-Redux - Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore is still pissed that Captain Willard stole his surfboard, so he follows him up river. Meanwhile, Willard realizes that it's not such a bad thing being seen "a God," and he takes over for Kurtz. The film ends with Kilgore and Willard battling it out for long-board superiority and control of the village 75 klicks above the Do Lung Bridge. Kelly Slater guest stars.

"My life in Hollywood sucks" -- April calendar

2012-04-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

P.S. Sorry about thinking that March is only 30 days. I probably should know that by now.

Catching up with Temp X...

2012-03-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

When last we spoke, I was drawing mediocre bits of art and passing it off as a post. And then...I disappeared. But I'm back. Here's a recap of what happened to me over the course of the last week...


I never barfed.

Thursday (March 22): While sitting at my desk, enjoying the air-conditioned comfort and all the indirect sunlight one might expect from veal pen, I began sweating at my desk. This was not prompted by anything in particular -- no great stress outside of the ordinary issues of life (so, a lot). I thought nothing of it up until the point that I started to feel woozy. So really it was a delay of about 2.7 seconds. I finished the day up, went home and estimated I'd quickly achieved a fever of 114 (give or take a few). And then the real sweating began.

Friday (March 23): Given my fragile economic state (and the fragile state of the economy), I went to work. My entire day became one-long blur of Sudafed, Gatorade, work and people talking about something called The Hunger Games. Since I'm not a 14-year-old girl, I zoned out completely during this discussion. From what I could glean, I sounded like a rip-off of Logan's Run. I guess I should have paid more attention as the movie made $152 million during its opening weekend. But I was honestly more interested in the NCAA basketball tournament and the potential payoff for my $20 buy-in. Kentucky beat Indiana (called it) and Kansas beat NC State (blew it). Looks like I'll have to wait until next year.

I didn't sweat orange color

Saturday (March 24): Bed. More Gatorade. Bed. Watched the Gators crumble worse than the French in WWII (getting outscored 18-3 to close the game!). Couldn't be happier. Realized I'd had a load of laundry sitting in the communal washer for three days. Figured I'd better retrieve it before mold started to grow on it. Luckily the outside humidity level of 108 percent rendered the entire room nothing more than a swamp with a Chattahoochee stone floor desperately in need of re-Epoxying. And no one had stolen my clothes either, mostly because old Russian women are shorter than me by about three feet.

Sunday (March 25): It rained. I celebrated by watching Monty Python's Life of Brian. I also wondered if I'd ever eat again seeing as that I'd not had an appetite since Friday. Nope. Still not hungry. These pants are just about to fall off me, and no, I'm not hitting on you.

Wrong Jew.

Monday (March 26): First of all, it was Dog X's birthday. So for all you assholes who forgot to send cards as he turns the big 10, screw you. Convinced I might not ever feel the need to eat again and concerned that I was running out of breath walking to the shower, I decided to go the doctor. Not having a regular physician, this made figuring out who to see an interesting choice. It resulted in a odd combinations of picking someone based on his education, insurance coverage, proximity, Yelp stars and ethic background (his, not mine). I picked a middle aged Jew who went to med school in Chicago. Too much of a co-pay and a couple of prods and pokes later, I had a sinus infection. Well, technically, I had the sinus infection before I walked in, but you get the point. And then came the antibiotics.

A little like this

Tuesday (March 27): I'm not sure how to explain this in a way that makes it sound like I wasn't on drugs, the good kind, but I'll give it a shot. I was sitting at work doing the usual thing when I had this sensation that someone was doing my work as me. It's not that I wasn't getting the work done, it's that I wasn't really seeing through my eyes. Someone had momentarily inhabited part of my body and was doing my work for me as I drank more Gatorade and wondered why we as a country don't mandate a better sick-leave program. I then went home and immediately started a meth lab in my bathroom.

Wednesday (March 28): I worked, ate two full meals and took a nap. Looks like I'm on the road to Wellville.

And now you know where I've been. Aren't you glad you asked?

The Omen: Original* Art from Temp X

2012-03-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

*With an assist from Edvard Munch

Tips for St. Patrick's Day

2012-03-16T07:02:00.000-07:00

[Considering St. Patrick's Day is actually on a Saturday this year, the following only applies to a small group of you - anyone who works at CAA, ICM and WME. The lesser agencies like Paradigm (who?), UTA (gag) and APA (they're still in business?) and anyone who works at a studio gets weekends off. And because I've been super busy recently, I figured why not repurpose a post from 2009.]

With tomorrow being St. Patrick's Day, you'll probably be tempted to imbibe a pinch (especially when your jobless friends call you from Molly Malone's telling you how much fun it is to spend their unemployment on Irish Car Bombs). Furthermore, the economy sucks right now and you don't want to do anything that will make you first on the list for the next round of layoffs. But that shouldn't stop you from having a little fun during the day. It's a very delicate balancing act, but you can do it. Here's how...

Hide Your Liquor -- If I learned nothing else by going to a public high school, it's how to cleverly conceal liquor from those in position of authority. During Halloween of my sophomore year, the girl who sat behind me in Spanish dressed as a baby. It was very bad costume, but there was a method to her madness. As class began, my olfactory senses went into hyper drive as I noticed the distinct scent of cheap booze. Turns out this girl's baby bottle prop was a 12-ounce rum and Coke with a rubber nipple on top. El maestro never knew. In corporate America, you can do this same thing, just make it age appropriate. Try a water bottle filled with a martini or a Starbucks that's mostly whiskey. You'll be glad you did, especially when it comes time to roll calls.

Make your liquor so obvious it couldn't possibly be liquor -- The guy whose office is a scant ten feet away from me has a full liquor cabinet. From my view, I see 750 ml bottles of Baileys, Grand Marnier, Kahlua, Maker's Mark, Bombay Gin, Amaretto, Bacardi, Glenfiddich and about five other bottles. Heck, if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you. Of course on an assistant salary you'll only be able to afford the mini-bottles they sell on airplanes or formerly in South Carolina.

Bring in Grey Goose for your boss -- Sure he's only on Step One-Half ("Don't drink anything that's at room temperature or too watered down") of his Twelve Step Recovery, but he's already due for a backslide. And that time is now. By the time he realizes that he's off the wagon, you'll have slipped out the front door and be three sheets to the wind and hitting on a freshman from CSUN. [Tip: Make sure your boss's sponsor is programmed in the speed dial.]

Call in Sick -- No one will believe you, but who cares. Go to Seamus O'Drinkies Pub and Fight Club or any other establishment that plays on Irish stereotypes. Have a good time, wear your favorite "Fuck Me I'm Irish" shirt and try to forget that your job won't be there next week anyway.

The Garbage Pail Kids - A scene reenacted

2012-03-14T10:10:00.001-07:00

The future of cinema

For fans of crappy movie remakes that were completely unwanted, I have good news. The 1987 Razzie nominee The Garbage Pail Kids (lifetime gross: $1.6 million) is getting a reboot.

Now for those too young to know or too smart to care, the Garbage Pail Kids were a series of trading cards essentially done as parody of the Cabbage Patch Kids. And for those of you too young to know what trading cards are or too smart to care, you should probably stop reading now.

But anyway, the company run by former Disney head Michael Eisner has decided that it's about time the Garbage Pail Kids get reintroduced to a new generation of people who will inevitably find them gross and boring. And now you know why Eisner was kicked out of Disney in 2005 and the stock is up nearly 50 percent since then (vs. the DJIA which is up just more than 20 percent).

When things like this have happened before, I've chosen to write what I believe these terrible ideas might look like. I cite my interpretation of View-master: The Movie as well as how Charlie Sheen should have been killed off on Two and a Half Men. But I've decided to do something different this time around.

So may I present to you my best guess of the phone call from ICM agent Pete Stone as he successfully convinces his client Michael Vukadinovich to write the future piece of crap film The Garbage Pail Kids.

INT. INTERNATIONAL CREATIVE MANAGEMENT

PETE STONE

Liz.

No response from his assistant.  She's quietly wiping away tears of defeat from her cheek.  Or perhaps it's just allergies.

STONE

LIZ!!!

LIZ

Yes.  Sorry.  I was just making your lunch rezzies.  You're all set for Bouchon.  What do you need?

STONE

Get me Vukadinovich.

Liz dials the phone because Stone is too lazy to or simply incapable of doing so.  The line rings three times before Michael Vukadinovich answers.

INT. THE BOURGEOIS PIG COFFEE SHOP ON FRANKLIN

MICHAEL VUKADINOVICH

Hello?

(Intercut as necessary)

LIZ

I have Pete Stone for you.

VUKADINOVICH

Great.  Put him through.

LIZ

He's holding...

Stone picks up the phone.

STONE 

Vuk!  What's up my man?!

VUKADINOVICH

Oh you know.  The glamorous life of a writer.  Bouncing from one coffee shop to the next hoping that one of them will inspire me.  That's not working out so great.  But the good news is I did just finish the Mooncake Festival level on Angry Birds.  Fuckin' A that's hard.

STONE

Dude.  You're still only on that.  You're fucking old school.  I just got past Wreck the Halls.  I missed the staff meeting because of it, but fuck it.  So I've got good news too.  Looks like I've got your next project.

VUKADINOVICH

Go on.

STONE

It's a feature...

VUKADINOVICH

Excellent!

STONE

With Michael Eisner attached to produce...

VUKADINOVICH

Fuck me!  I could kiss you.  What is it?  Something classic.  An epic tale of love, loss and redemption?  Or perhaps a biopic?  I've been thinking that Benjamin Franklin is long overdue for one.  Did you know that he was instrumental in creating the first hospital in the United States?  And he had a lot of sex.

STONE

Well, it's not really that.  But there's a lot of potential for this.  It has a sizable fan base...  

VUKADINOVICH

Ok.  Ok.  Keep going. 

STONE 

It could easily become a sequel...

VUKADINOVICH

Alright.  Good.  Job security if I deliver the first time around. 

STONE

There's lots of merchandising opportunities... 

VUKADINOVICH

Do I get back end on that?

STONE

I'll see what I can do.

VUKADINOVICH

Ok.  Well, what is it?  Wait.  Let me first have a sizable sip of this $6.50 latte before it gets cold.

Vukadinovich is in the middle of a hearty draw from his coffee cup when Stone breaks the news.

STONE

Have you heard of The Garbage Pail Kids?

Vukadinovich spews his overpriced beverage all over his computer, his notes and the pert, young actress at the table over.  It even shoots out his nose.  It burns hotter than 1,000 suns inside his proboscis.  He swipes at his face hoping the pain will subside.  It doesn't until he grabs his glass of water and starts splashing it on his face.  Vukadinovich has since dropped his cell phone to the floor and we hear Stone's voice through the device.

STONE

Vuk.  Vuk!

Vukadinovich wipes his face on his sleeve.  Now he can see just clearly enough to realize that the entire cafe is staring at him.  He picks up the phone and continues, but not quite in the joyous mood he was before. 

VUKADINOVICH

(in a loud, angry whisper) 

Seriously?  Garbage Pail Kids?  What the fuck?!  I won the Samuel Goldwyn Screenwriting Award.  Seriously?  Garbage Mother Fucking Pail Kids?

STONE

There's a lot of potential for this project.  Seriously.

VUKADINOVICH

Any potential it had came and went during the second Reagan administration!  No way.  No fucking way!  Has Eisner lost his fucking mind?!

STONE

Perhaps.  But he's willing to pay you...

VUKADINOVICH

Wait. Before you tell me how much, let me just have a sip of what's remaining of my $6.50 latte.

As Vukadinovich
 takes another sizable sip of his coffee it becomes obvious that Stone is unwilling to wait to break the news.  He repeats the spit.  All over everything.  His computer, the actress.  Out the nose.  Everything.  The phone drops to the floor.

BARRISTA

(to Vukadinovich)

Sir.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

STONE 

Vuk.  Vuk!

THE END

Pointless Friday Survey

2012-03-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

It's Friday, so you're probably tired of thinking. Well guess what? I am too. So here's something fun and easy to take you through the weekend.

Enjoy.

Hollywood Dictionary: Volume 25

2012-03-08T11:43:00.001-08:00

And now, more from the Hollywood Dictionary. If there are terms you want defined, please send them to TempX@Tempdiaries.com.

Pilot presentation: In an economy like this, it's hard to find studios that are willing to spend tons of cash on things that don't involve executive bonuses. And when they do, it's typically for needless junkets to SXSW, NATPE and other acronymed events that could just as easily take place at the NORMS (not an acronym, just a name in capital letters) on La Cienega. So this means little money is left over for important things like financing pilots, you know, the core business. This results in pilot presentations, which are essentially Cliffs Noted version of real pilots. They're about as long as an extended commercial break and typically stand no chance.

Upfronts: Strangely this is not the opposite of "Back End," although it would be great if it was. On the subject of junkets, this is the one that everyone wants to go on. It's the annual gathering of network/studio types as they attempt to get ad agency execs drunk enough to buy time on shows like The CW's musical chairs program "Oh Sit!" For studios looking to save a little dough, instead of putting up 20 people at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel (Central Park room view - $1,059/night), why not just FedEx Young & Rubicam DVDs of all your shows and set up a conference call? Even with a dime bag of coke, you'll still come out way ahead on the ledger.

"My life in Hollywood sucks" -- March calendar

2012-03-01T11:43:00.001-08:00

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

Oscar Acceptance Speech Madlib

2012-02-26T11:04:00.000-08:00

[THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED FEB. 19, 2009. NOTHING HAS CHANGED, SO I'M REPOSTING FOR ANYONE STILL LOOKING FOR LAST MINUTE ADVICE]

The Oscars are only a couple hours away. And if I know celebrities, they're busy preening, schvitzing and vomiting their way to beauty for the big night. This leaves them little time to concentrate on what's most important, writing an acceptance speech. (It doesn't help that most of them have the intellectual capacity of a newt.)

But your friends at the Hollywood Temp Diaries are here to help. In the spirit of previous Madlibs like the Journal Entry Madlib and the How to Pitch a Show Madlib, I offer the Oscar Acceptance Speech Madlib. Just fill in the appropriate blanks and you're ready to go.

Good luck. Now go shoehorn yourself into your outfit and wait for your limo...

"Oh my (Deity or Oprah)! Oh my (same Deity or Oprah)! This is so unexpected.

[Stage Direction: Hold for applause. Fight back tears.]

I'd like to (verb) the Academy for this most beautiful award. Also (verb) you to my agent (CAA agent) and Kevin Huvane. My manager and the people at Untitled Entertainment (do not be confused by this. It's actually the name of the company). And my attorney (Jewish-sounding name). (Verb) you. (Verb) all of you.

When I started acting as a young (your gender), I did it for the love of the craft. Here I am (number less than 20, even if you're Mickey Rourke) years later, winning an Oscar for an outstanding film (Your movie. If you can't remember the title, immediately return to rehab). This is a (noun for something you do in your sleep) come true.

[Stage Direction: Take yourself to a sad, sad place. Commence crocodile tears.]

To my fellow nominees (check Oscars.com for list of your competitors) each one of you is equally (noun indicating merit) of this. I would share it with you I could.

To the producers (just say Brian Grazer), my outstanding co-star (the person you slept with while making this movie), the director (the person you slept with to get the role). Thank you. It was an absolute (adjective describing fun, but in a non-sexual way) working with all of you.

For your unending love and support, I'd like to thank (the first five names from page 243 of the phonebook. No one pays attention to non-industry related folks. You could say "Colonel Sanders" and no one would know.) You mean the world to me.

[Stage Direction: At this point the orchestra will start playing. Ignore it and proceed.]

I like you (Conductor not named Henry Mancini. He's dead.) You're a good guy, but this moment may never happen again! I have more people to thank.

My rock of three and a half years (the person sitting next to you. Yes, the one you're married to). I love you so much. You (verb) me every day. And I can't thank you enough.

And most of all I'd like to thank my assistant (Assistant's name, or as close as you can remember). This person is as deserving as I am, in fact, when I'd like to announce publicly I'm giving (same assistant, or as close as you can remember) a $250,000 raise.

Good night and (same Deity or Oprah) Bless!"

Temp X is on the radio

2012-02-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

Believe it. Turns out the results of The Bennies have hit the airwaves. During yesterday's broadcast of the "Mark & Brian" radio show from KLOS-FM, they dedicated nearly six minutes to talking about the Worst in TV awards.

So here's the broadcast and I've included some of my own musings.