~ Benjamin Disraeli

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines legacy as “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.”

Perhaps due to the fact that the one year anniversary of my mom’s death is approaching,  I’ve been thinking lately about the various hobbies and interests I have now that come directly from my mom and dad.

My mom shared her love of reading, gardening, antiquing, and Broadway musicals from when I was very young.  She also got me out on the tennis court for the first time when I was a teenager and encouraged me to play this wonderful sport.

Because we were indoors during cold and snowy NY winters, she taught me how to knit, crochet, do needlepoint, cross-stitch and sew.  We also played Scrabble often, and enjoyed coin and stamp collecting together.

My dad gave me my interest in watching sports.  As an only child I was half-son and half-daughter, and he shared his love of sports with me as most men would with a son in those days. We’d spend hours watching games on TV, and he’d take me to a NY Mets double header nearly every summer.

Of course, their legacy to me consists of much more, but I wanted to share this part of it now.

“We were meant to give our lives away. Spend more time living your legacy instead of worrying about leaving it.”

~ Lee J. Colan

What is your parents’ legacy to you?  Please share with us in the comments section below.

P.S.  Technically, a legacy is from an ancestor.  But if your parents are still alive, thank them today for what they’ve already given you!

Mary Nix is a woman whom I interviewed in 2009 about her caregiving experiences, and she has graciously asked me to share my viewpoint about caring for aging parents on her EldercareABC blog.

You can also check out some other posts while you’re there, such as:

• Protection from Financial Elder Abuse

• The Upside to Elderly Home Care

Or subscribe to their RSS feed so you won’t  miss any of the excellent information and resources they provide to caregivers.

The “ABC” in EldercareABC stands for “About Being Connected.”  Thank you to Mary and the EldercareABC Team for giving me the opportunity to connect with you and your readers.  And please continue doing the great work I consistently find there and assisting caregivers in such a supportive way!

The Path

Every caregiver takes the same path I did — from denial . . . to acceptance . . . to overcoming whatever the unique caregiving challenges are.

I have walked in your shoes. You are not alone!

Here are some of my favorite quotes to help you on each part of this journey.

DENIAL

It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

~  Bill Watterson

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.

~ J. Donald Walters

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ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.

~  William James

A wise man adapts himself to circumstances as water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it.

~ Chinese Proverb

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OVERCOMING CHALLENGES

Beginners and outsiders are open to possibilities and don’t make assumptions. By extension, they’re often better at finding solutions the experts have stopped seeing.

~ Michael McMillan

Opposition is a natural part of life. Just as we develop our physical muscles through overcoming opposition – such as lifting weights – we develop our character muscles by overcoming challenges and adversity.

~ Stephen R. Covey

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Photo Credit:  richardefreeman’s photostream

]]> http://tenderlovingeldercare.com/inspiring-quotes-for-caregivers-every-caregivers-journey-31010/feed 1 http://tenderlovingeldercare.com/the-caregiving-words-we-use-matter http://tenderlovingeldercare.com/the-caregiving-words-we-use-matter#comments Mon, 01 Mar 2010 09:00:06 +0000 Linda Abbit http://tenderlovingeldercare.com/?p=121 Last year while I was actively caring for my mom, I attended a special presentation for caregivers at an Alzheimer’s Family Services Center.  The coordinator for the three workshops started off the morning with a brief overview and asked the audience, “How many of you are care partners?”

The audience didn’t respond.

I thought to myself, “What are care partners?”

Then he said, “How many of you are the primary person in charge of caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease?”

Oh, he was talking about me! Then many of us raised our hands.

“Care partner” instead of “caregiver.”

Hmmm. I like the sound of that phrase, and especially what it implies. It gives the patient (or care recipient) so much more power and dignity in the relationship.

I first heard the words “care recipient” several years ago.  I also prefer to use that phrase instead of “patient” which sounds clinical and detached, especially when we’re talking about a loved one we are caring for.

I wonder if the use of the phrases “care partner” and “care recipient” will catch on in our culture and the mainstream media?

Subtle Yet Powerful Distinctions

Some people probably don’t think the words we use matter, but I beg to differ.  The words we say out loud, and even in our own heads, can make a huge difference in how we think and feel about others, ourselves and our actions.  How we behave is influenced by what we’re thinking . . . and words are a direct reflection of our thoughts.

While  on the frontline of caregiving, I heard some nurses use the word “declining” rather than “deteriorating” when describing their care recipient.  A small difference in words, yet clearly a different description.  If they were describing you, or someone you love, which term would you prefer they chose?  One is such a kinder word to use than the other.

My strong belief that words matter also led me to adopt the use of the term “Golden Oldies” when writing or talking about senior citizens.

Some Parting Words . . .

Here is a new phrases I heard recently that I hope leaves you with a smile!

A “silver surfer” is a Golden Oldie who uses the internet!

What do you think about these caregiving words?  Can you add other words or phrases to our discussion here?

Aside from feeling badly, what can we actively do to make amends after we’ve blown up at them?  How do we begin to repair the relationship after a hurtful incident?

Making up may be hard, but not impossible, to do. Here are several steps to take:

1.  Have a cooling off period.  Let the dust settle before you engage them again.  It gives everyone involved time to gain some perspective on what the issues were that set off a disagreement.  This could mean several hours, days or even weeks depending upon your caregiving situation.

2.  Change your mode of contact.  If you visit regularly, you may want to simply touch base via phone a few times before another face-to-face visit.  Or ask a sibling, spouse or adult child to take a turn or two with the caregiving duties.  If you live with your care recipient, get away from home for a little while, provided they are safe to be alone for this period of time.

3.  Before you visit your Golden Oldies again, resolve to arrive with a pleasant attitude and open mind about talking over the issues that caused the argument.  Otherwise, it’s not time to visit them yet.  You may also want to role play with a friend or colleague the scenario before you go there, to figure out how to calmly discuss the issue(s) with them. It’s best not to involve another family member in your role playing, as they may have their own emotional bias on the topic.

What If You Start Losing Your Cool All Over Again?

When you re-establish contact and visit with the intention of making amends, be tuned in and aware of your own internal signals.  Are your Golden Oldies beginning to push your buttons?  Do you feel your stress level rising again?  If so, before the same argument starts over, it would be better to either leave or change the subject, rather than have it lead to another blow up!  Try to remain cool, calm and collected as the issues are being discussed.

At the very first sign things aren’t going well however,  either change the subject (“I think we all need to think about these ideas more.  Can we continue this discussion another day?”) or leave gracefully (“I have to pick up XYZ before dinner — can we continue this tomorrow?”).

Then repeat the steps given above, until you can control your reactions more effectively.

I also suggest that if you sense your aging parents are becoming upset again, it may be wise for you to bail.  You don’t have control over their emotional reactions, but you do not have to be subjected to any verbal abuse they may throw at you.  If the same issues are starting to upset them, just stop and let it go for the time being.

As I left my parents’ home after a visit, I would often ask myself, if this was our final goodbye, would I be happy with it?  I think parent-adult child relationships would be vastly improved if more family members asked this question of themselves.

Special Circumstances Apply

If your Golden Oldie has any type of memory loss,  dementia or Alzheimer’s disease you must always be the one to apologize.  This is due to the fact that they most likely

• won’t remember the blow up; and

• even if they do, they may not have the brain processing function to take the initiative to apologize

You must accept the blame when something’s wrong, even if it is a fantasy existing only in their minds.  It is the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.

What techniques have you used to make amends after a blow up with your Golden Oldies or care recipients?  Please leave your words of wisdom in the comments section below.

But, I also know I made the best decisions I could based on the situations and the knowledge I had at the time those decisions were made.

I refuse to beat myself up over these regrets.  And I try very hard not to dwell on them too often nor for too long.

What about you?  Do you have caregiving regrets? How do you deal with them? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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Often regret is very false and displaced, and imagines the past to be totally other than it was.

~ John O’ Donohue

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People have to face regrets. Becoming mature means learning to accept what you cannot change, facing unresolved sorrows and learning to love life as it really happens, not as you would have it happen.

~ Barbara Sher

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I have many regrets, and I’m sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret . . .  if you have any sense, and if you don’t regret them, maybe you’re stupid.

~ Katharine Hepburn

I Never Lost My Patience (Part One of Two)

I was a long distance caregiver to my parents during the years my mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. It’s easy to keep your patience when you live three thousand miles away and the caregiving consists mainly of supportive phone calls and a few short visits a year.

About two years after her diagnosis, when my parents moved to an assisted living facility in my town, my mom was at the start of the middle stage of this horrible disease.  Through the excellent free resources of my local Alzheimer’s Association, I had educated myself via workshops and lots of reading about caregiving for dementia patients.  I was also attending a support group for adult children of Alzheimer’s patients on a regular basis which provided more insight and other people to share experiences with.

The knowledge I gained from the time my mom was diagnosed until the time she and my dad moved here armed me with an understanding and deep compassion for people struck by any memory-impairing disease.  And while I saw my parents multiple times a week once they lived nearby, I do not remember a single time when I lost patience and blew up at either one or them, face-to-face or by phone.  (I just checked with my husband and he couldn’t think of any incidences like that either.)

So How Did I Keep from Losing It?

OK, this was probably a wimpy way out (or at best, passive-aggressive behavior), but I would rely completely on my husband to interact with my parents for me when I needed some space as a caregiver.  As their only child, I was their sole source of emotional support, and I thought it could be extremely hurtful if I was nasty, mean or rude to them.  I truly didn’t want to hurt them in any way at this stage in their lives.

I did two things that stopped me from losing patience with my parents:

1.  I vented to my husband . . . a lot!  I would whine and complain whenever I felt the caregiving issues and duties were overwhelming me.  As an only child, one comment I often made was, “This is just too much for one person to handle!” (Of course, there are pros and cons about being a caregiver and an only child, but that’s another post.)

I must also point out, my parents were always very independent and considerate!  They never expressed a desire to live with my family and only did so for a few weeks when they were moving.  I always had our own home as my sanctuary to retreat to.  I don’t know how I would have managed had we all lived under the same  roof — which makes me sympathize even more with family caregivers who do accomplish this incredible feat with aplomb!

2.  I would have my husband “run interference” for me when I was reaching my caregiving breaking point.  Jeff is an absolutely extraordinary man, and I have to publicly thank him again for being such a vital part of my caregiving “village.”  There were times my father would call and I just couldn’t bear to deal with whatever question or problem they had.  Jeff would return the call and handle everything for me when I just couldn’t do it myself.

One particular incident really stands out in my mind.  I had just arrived at Disneyland to meet a group of friends (we’re locals and had an annual pass at the time) and spend the evening dancing to a favorite band playing there.  (As I’ve written here before, dance is one of my major ways to relieve stress!) My pager beeped and I saw it was my parents’ phone number.  I immediately called Jeff at home and he willingly returned my Dad’s phone call, explained I was gone for the evening, and helped them in my absence.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to turn around and leave the Happiest Place on Earth as soon as I had arrived.  I know how lucky I am to have had such a reliable and caring backup person on my caregiving team.

Do you have a family member, friend or neighbor you can ask to be your back up for those times you just need to have some time away from caregiving?  And don’t feel guilty arranging for this assistance!

I Never Lost my Patience . . . Yeah, Right (Part Two of Two)

Ironically, I would lose my patience on the telephone multiple times with my parents years before I ever became their family caregiver!

I moved out to California in my mid-20’s and we’d talk on the phone about once a week to catch up.  I would find myself very upset or angry with my parents by the end of many conversations.  I remember wishing they would just leave me alone and stop telling me what to do!

These negative emotions, along with some other issues, led me to get counseling for a few months to gain a better understanding of myself.  My therapist taught me a very important life lesson which I know helped me become a more patient caregiver when I took on that role.

The lesson was for me to change my perception of what they said.

It was to recognize that the words my parents were actually saying, which I perceived as criticism or telling me how to run my life, were only one surface layer. What I needed to learn and embrace 100% was the understanding that beneath whatever “negative” words I was hearing, what my parents were really saying to me was, “We love you!”

They cared about and loved me deeply.  They weren’t criticizing me; they were suggesting ways I could make my life even better.  It was all in my perception of the intent behind their words, not what their words were!  It was the unspoken message they were sending that I needed to focus on.

Once I learned this important lesson, it made all the difference in the world when communicating with them in a patient and loving manner, both long distance and while up close and personal.  And I think this basic understanding also kept me from losing patience with them when I later shouldered the responsibility and stress of caregiving.

True Confessions are now officially over.

In a future post, we’ll talk about practical ways we can smooth things over when we do blow our cool with our Golden Oldies.

My question to you is, “Then what?”

How did you handle repairing any hurt you may have caused by lashing out at someone you’re caring for and, most likely, care deeply about?  What steps did you take to make things right? What did you do or not do? How did they react?

It’s true confessions time.

I promise to share my story in next week’s post, but you go first in the comment section below. 

Patience is the name of the lion on the south side of the New York Public Library.

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

~  C. S. Lewis

Patience and fortitude conquer all things.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.

~ Arnold H. Glasgow

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Photo Credit:  ori0nis’ photostream

You got to make the morning last.

Just kicking down the cobble stones.

Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy.

~  Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel

Lately I’m more aware than ever of how fast our society moves, and how we are living at an ever-accelerating pace.  People want and expect instant action, access and/or results in so many realms of life!

We eat at fast food restaurants.  We buy ready-made food at the market.  We watch movies at home “on demand.”  We drive 70 mph on freeways and pay tolls electronically via “FastTrack” devices.  TV news broadcasts nearly always start with “Breaking News.”  At Disneyland, the “happiest place on earth,” we purchase a “Fast Pass” to avoid waiting in long lines.  Immediacy and speed define our world.

We can be reached by phone, whether home or away — and now even in foreign countries.  Cell phones allow us to be forever connected . . . and the people who are calling us are asking for a fast response back.   If they reach an answering machine at our home or office, instead of leaving a message, they’ll call our cell phone — if they even called our land line to begin with.   And if leaving a phone message won’t suffice,  they’ll then attempt to reach us by text, email, or Facebook chat — thanks to iPhones, Blackberries and other PDA’s.  Immediate connections rule.

I fear as a society we are losing an important character trait called “patience.”

In business the same frenetic rules apply.  People have learned many companies are reachable 24/7 thanks to the internet, and customers expect answers to their questions or problems as soon as possible. A business person recently told me they answer all customer queries within 24 hours — and this is in an industry that is not “life or death” by any means!

As these business owners stay in constant contact with their customers, they are thereby training these customers to expect instant replies from other businesses as well, and not to be satisfied if they don’t get them.  An ever-increasing cycle of higher expectations and faster responses grows.

How does all of this relate to being a family caregiver?

As caregivers we need to realize our aging parents (aka Golden Oldies) don’t live in a world ruled by this accelerated pace of life.  While they may use computers or cell phones (although many don’t), they aren’t tied to them, and the instant gratification gained by using technology, in the same way baby boomers, Gen X, Gen Y and the millenial generations are.

As family caregivers, we need to be mindful of this and adjust accordingly when caring for or even just visiting our aging parents.  We must embrace the character trait of patience when we’re with them, caring for them and during our interactions with them.  It is necessary to shift into a lower gear when entering their world.  It is unkind, and creates tension in our relationships with them, if we try to force them to function in our much faster moving world.

It really won’t be harmful to our health to slow down for a day, or even for just a few hours, when spending quality time with them.  Enjoy slipping into their world  — where you can still find phones with cords, analog clocks, an AM/FM radio and TV’s that are large boxes that don’t hang on the living room wall.  Shut your cell phone off for a few hours when you’re together and enjoy the peace it affords.

Don’t expect your aging parents to move at a fast pace, eat quickly, or even think as  fast as we have become accustomed to doing.  We need to s-l-o-w down and embrace the easier, more gentle pace they live in when we’re around them. It gives us caregivers time to “stop and smell the roses.”  Yes, the amount of time we spend with them is important, but also how we spend that time together also counts.

Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan doesn’t cut it by Golden Oldie standards.  For their generation this is what mattered:  taking the time to make a decision, weighing the options, figuring out the best, most efficient and probably the most economical way to accomplish something.  Despite the fast-paced lives we lead, a slow and deliberate approach is still a good alternative to just doing it.

“We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves.”

~ Alice Bloch

Embrace the opportunity to relax and decompress with your Golden Oldies — don’t  avoid it.  They give you the time and space to do so when you’re with them — they are experts at it, so learn from them.    It gives you time to re-charge your batteries before heading back out into the  ever-accelerating, fast-paced world we live in.

And whatever you do, don’t make them speed up — ain’t gonna happen! Meet them in their world, appreciate and honor it.

You must have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by; but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by.

~ James Matthew Barrie

I’d love to get your thoughts on having patience in the comment section below.  For starters, do you or don’t you?

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