You see, free climber Alex Honnold is a man who is obsessed with his goal of climbing El Capitain, a 3,200 foot high rock wall in Yosemite Park.

And that’s free climbing, i.e. climbing without ropes or supports.

But he’s also in a relationship.

And sometimes, being in a relationship can be a drag on your ambition.

Like when Alex’s girlfriend accidentally drops him and breaks his spine.

Ouch.

And while Alex’s goal and his relationship are far from ordinary, the problem of balancing his ambition with his relationship is something that many men face. Even the world’s best climber.

In the final twenty minutes of the movie, Alex climbs the sheer rock face of El Capitain with nothing but his bare hands.

The climb requires three hours and forty minutes of rock climbing moves made perfectly in sequence – a feat that he spent over 10 years preparing for.

It’s a miracle of perfectionism and a testament to what humans are capable of.

But what’s even more inspiring is that Alex Honnold managed to achieve it while holding down a weird but apparently healthy relationship.

Anyways, if you like my blog, you’ll probably love Free Solo, so consider this my official recommendation of the film.

And if you’re climbing your own version of El Capitain, and you don’t want your lady troubles to cause you to slip and fall, just click the link below.

The post What To Do If a Woman Breaks Your Spine appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

In it, medical officer Dr. Beverly Crusher starts to notice that people are disappearing off of the Enterprise – without a trace.

First it’s one of her medical assistants.

Then all her medical assistants disappear.

Then other crew of the Enterprise start disappearing one by one.

Finally, it’s just Beverly Crusher and Captain Picard flying the spaceship, just the two of them.

And then Picard disappears.

In the story, it turns out that Dr. Crusher has accidentally gotten trapped in a “warp bubble”, an alternate universe that is rapidly shrinking as it collapses.

That’s why people keep disappearing.

That story reminds me a lot of the social lives of guys in their thirties.

Slowly, their friends and colleagues start to disappear into relationships. At first, they don’t notice, but eventually their universe starts getting smaller and smaller.

Every year, a few more friends have disappeared, sucked out of single world into relationship world.

Till finally sometimes it’s just them. Flying the ship alone.

Finally, a weird alien with three fingers called “The Traveller” helps Beverly Crusher to escape. She jumps through a blue rift in engineering, where she’s reunited with the friends and crew-mates that had disappeared.

For guys who are stuck in the single-world warp bubble, escaping is a bit more complicated.

But to start, you can click on the (coincidentally blue coloured) link below to get started on leaving single world in style.

The post The Single Guy Social Warp Bubble appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

At around 30 years old, people start to dividing into two groups based on their relationship status.

Each group of people go off into their own little “world”, so to speak. 

The single people live in single world. Single world is a world of fun and excitement. They go out, date around, travel and have a good time. 

They live simply and don’t save too much, but they usually have a lot of fun. 

As time goes on though, single world gets smaller and smaller.

At 30, single world is a ton of fun with a lot of cool people. 

But by the time you hit 40, single world is kind of lonely. You’ve often been hanging at the same places with the same people for 10 years. 

A bit of stagnation sets in. 

Couple world is different. 

It starts out slow. Couples save and party less than single people. They go to bed early and wake up early. They focus on the little things. 

They buy houses and fix them up and have kids and raise families. 

But while single world gets slowly less interesting as time goes by, couple world gets more interesting as time goes on. 

Couple world grows as you get more connections, move forward in work and build your family and invest in your life. 

Now, couple world isn’t perfect. If you pair up with the wrong person, you can wind up with strife and conflict and divorce. 

And even at the best of times, a relationship requires work and constant improvement. Couple world is less about fun, it’s less hedonistic, but in the long run it is far more meaningful. 

If you’re starting to notice that single world is losing its joy, it might be time to make the transition into couple world. 

And if you want help with that, I can help you create a Smart Dating Strategy so you can do a better job of meeting the kinds of women you really want to have a relationship with. 

To sign up for a free consult, just click the link below. 

The post Single Land Vs Couple Land – A Tale of Two Worlds appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

If you’re someone who is working on improving your self esteem, you might find this blog post painful and uncomfortable.

You also might save a lot of time and energy and get a lot more out of your life (including success with the ladies).

Consider yourself warned.

I want to destroy your faith in self esteem, and I’m going to tell you why.

In my work, I often deal with guys who are on an emotional rollercoaster.

When things are going well with women, they feel good.

And when things are going bad, they feel really bad.

And that creates a cycle of neediness and depression and all sorts of problems.

And a lot of those problems are related to the search for self esteem – and the fact that self esteem is – in my humble but fairly well educated opinion – boulshyte.

Why is the search for self-esteem boulshyte?

First, I have noticed over quite a long time that the people I know who are most effective and most confident, don’t seem to bother with the idea of self esteem at all.

As I have said before “confidence isn’t judging yourself as good or bad, it’s not judging yourself at all”.

I have also noticed that the more people seem to believe in the importance of self esteem, the more likely they are to be obsessed with their lack of it.

In the end, it seems quite clear that while self-esteem is perhaps a product of success, it’s not a cause of success.

And so seeking out self-esteem itself is a waste of time.

Second, because Human beings have been observing one another’s psychology since the beginning of time.

And a lot of great writing has been about how to cultivate the mindset of a successful, effective person.

And while they didn’t use the word “psychology”, most great philosophers were actually writing about psychology.

Aristotle wrote about psychology.

Socrates wrote about psychology.

The Buddha wrote about psychology.

St Augustine and the early fathers of the Christian Church wrote about psychology.

And nobody that I’m aware of, throughout all of human history, ever identified “self-esteem” or anything like it, as an admirable quality until the 1960’s.

In fact, all of those writers wrote quite the opposite. They wrote about “pride”, “ego”, “narcissism”, “vanity” and other concepts that have a lot in common with “self-esteem”, but they wrote about it as if it was a very bad thing.

Maybe they were onto something.

Finally, if you want a scientific opinion on the matter, here’s a good video by Jordan Peterson explaining why he thinks the scientific evidence on self-esteem is extremely weak.

The problem with self-esteem seems plain enough.

You’re a human being.

You let yourself down. You are flawed.


If you believe you need self-esteem to perform in life, then failure is an attack on your motivation.

If you believe in the importance of self-esteem you NEED to ignore your failures or you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning.

That’s not healthy.

It’s putting your emotional needs (the need to feel motivated and like life is worthwhile) in conflict with the truth (you often screw up and you may be your own worst enemy).

To put it another way, the search for self-esteem seems to cause you to be torn between delusion and depression.

Like I said, boulshyte.

Now, there are a lot of things that are similar to self esteem that are extremely valuable. You need confidence, you need introspection, and you need to believe in your own self-efficacy. I’ll talk a bit more about those things in the near future.

Anyway, if you want to learn how to upgrade your dating life from a guy who really doesn’t give a crap about your self-esteem and will give you the unvarnished truth about what you’re doing wrong, just click the link below.

The post Why I Don’t Give a Frig About Your Self esteem appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

Hey Chris,

Love everything you’re about! Thank you for your time and knowledge

My question is…been dating a girl for a couple months. Went to make reservations for dinner here in San Diego. They were all booked up. Now what?
She doesn’t care what we do??

Best regards,

Brandon

I think there are a lot of guys who can relate to this problem.

Your date plans get screwed up…

And your date says “I don’t care what we do”.

But here’s the question – Does “I don’t care what we do” really mean that she doesn’t care?

Does it mean you can just microwave some pizza pops and otherwise do nothing?

Of course not.

“I don’t care what we do” is like “I don’t care what you get me for Christmas” or “I don’t care if we do anything for my birthday”.

It’s a trap.

What it really means is “I don’t want you to feel too much pressure, but I still expect something nice”.

It is not permission to be lazy.

Now, the good news is that GENERALLY, depending on your date, you can get away with something that is not very expensive, so long as it is thoughtful. It really is the thought that counts, for most women.

And you’re only a few months into this relationship, so expectations should be relatively low.

Cooking is one of those things that is nice and thoughtful but also relatively easy to pull off last minute. If you lack cooking skills, this dish is nice and impressive yet requires very little skill. Add a side dish, some nice music, some flowers and you’re not doing that bad.

And it sure beats pizza pops.

Other options include checking out ethnic restaurants and hole-in-the wall places, many of which fill up late on Valentines day. There’s no reason you can’t also order food in, so long as you show a bit of effort in some other way (decor, flowers, etc).

Don’t worry man, you have almost 48 hours to put this thing together.

Good luck… and thanks for sending me your question.

Chris

P.S. I will be answering a few more questions over the next 24 hours or so as part of my V-Day Q&A.

And I’m still taking submissions. So send those babies in.

Chris

The post Valentines Day Q&A – Watch Out For this V-Day Trap appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

Every decent restaurant in town has already doubled their prices and sold out.

Every spa, Museum and nice date spot is already booked up.

Right now, you’re better off having no plans at all for Valentines day than being a guy who has a date but nothing booked.

I know valentines day can be hard on guys. In fact, I think it’s probably the most challenging day of the year to have a date.

But fear not.

To help you all out, I’m going to do a V Day Q&A over the next 24 hours.

I’m going to show you how you can take your Valentines day, which might be looking a bit challenging, and turn it into something fun.

To participate, just write your valentines day related questions in the comments and I’ll reply personally to everyone I can, and post the best questions and their solutions on the next post.

The post How to Not Be Screwed on Valentines Day – (Special V Day Q&A ) appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

But let’s talk a bit about WHY neediness is so toxic.

Neediness doesn’t just kill your ability to create attraction in your dating life.

It can also screw up job interviews.

It can screw up negotiations.

It can make you pay too much for a car, an apartment, a house.

But the question is, WHY is neediness such a kiss of death.

The late great Jim Camp (the “World’s Most Feared Negotiator”) had a theory for it.

“Human beings are predatory apes”.

Harsh, but it carries more than a little truth.

Human beings can sense neediness like a shark smells blood in the water.

And when we sense it, it triggers something instinctual and emotional in us.

Something predatory.

When you give off neediness, you repel good people, and start drawing sharks and predators into your life.

It’s a bad way to live.

But there’s some good news too.

The good news is, nobody NEEDS to be needy when it comes to relationships.

After all, it’s not food, it’s not water. You don’t die without it.

Anyone, even the biggest loser in the world, can afford to have standards when it comes to dating.

So, having standards, and killing neediness, is entirely within the reach of every single person reading this post.

You just need to figure out what your standards are. Maybe you just need to believe that you’re worthy of having standards in the first place.

One of the first things I do with guys when help them create a Smart Dating Strategy is we focus on really establishing what you are looking for in a relationship, and what you are NOT looking for.

Not only does this help you create a customized program to turn around your dating life, but it also can help you kill neediness and all the problems that surround it.

Click the link below to sign up for a free consult.

The post Neediness and The Predatory Ape appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

First, the guy wins a lot of superbowls.

Second he’s married to supermodel Giselle Bundchen.

So, I think it’s safe to say he knows a thing or two about success.

Tom Brady is also a guy who was drafted 199th overall and was someone a lot of people never thought would start in the NFL, so he knows a bit about overcoming obstacles.

Here’s one thing Brady said that really stood out to me.

You have to believe in your process. You have to believe in the things that you are doing to help the team win. I think you have to take the good with the bad”

Tom Brady

What Brady is talking about here is a concept called “outcome independence”. 

When you’re pushing through a difficult task, one where victory is far off and uncertain, you need to really believe that, even though things aren’t quite working out yet, your process will give you results.

You need to really believe that, even though things aren’t quite working out yet, your process will give you results.

And you have to accept the failures as the price you pay for success.

Valuable advice.

In school, you’re taught that failing is a bad thing. After all, you usually only have one chance to take and exam and if you fail a class you have to repeat it.

But in the real world, often failure is the default position, but you get unlimited tries.

In sales, most attempts to sell something end in failure.

In sports, most attempts to score end in failure.

And in your social life, a lot of attempts to step outside your comfort zone will end in failure.

But you get unlimited tries.

And that’s where the value is. That’s where the learning and self improvement comes.

Don’t let disappointment get you down.

Disappointment is just the universe telling you to try something new.

If you need a dating and self-improvement process that you can believe in, just click the link below.

The post Superbowl Sunday Inspiration from Tom Brady appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

When you’re showing neediness, it gives everything you do an unpleasant quality you can’t quite get rid of.

Dates, online messaging, text messages, relationships. They all suffer if you’re exuding neediness.

If you pay attention, you can see neediness everywhere around you.

Read a bunch of men’s online dating profiles.

Go to a bar and see the guys falling over one another to impress women.

Look through your inbox and see the desperate marketers trying to get you to buy.

Chances are, when you see neediness, something inside you is repelled.

It’s like a stink bomb. It’s normal to be repelled. And women react the same way you do to neediness.

Neediness, at the end of the day, comes from having low standards.

A guy who orders a premium, medium rare steak doesn’t come across needy – no matter how big it is.

But a guy who grabs at a tray full of hotdogs is needy. Even if he only takes a little bit.

He’s hungry and emotional. You instinctively want to pull the tray away from him.

But when you have standards, when you know what you want, you kill your neediness and suddenly people respect you more.

That stinky quality starts to dissipate. Hunger and emotion are replaced with a plan.

And the real you can shine through. The real you that has standards and a vision for yourself. The real you that smells like a mountain breeze.

That’s why when I’m coaching guys, I start by creating a smart dating strategy for them.

And in our first session, I take them through a process where we identify exactly what they are looking for in a woman. Exactly what they like.

And then we make a strategy to help you get better at meeting your type.

There are a lot of benefits to this approach over a generic approach.

But the biggest is destroying the stink of neediness that a lot of guys are giving off because they have no standards.

If you want me to help you clean up your game and develop your own Smart Dating Strategy for 2019, just click the link below and sign up for a free consult.

The post How to Lose The Stink of Neediness appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.

If you haven’t watched the documentary, the Fyre Festival was a super-hyped festival in the Bahamas that was sold as the greatest and sexiest concert that was ever going to happen.

But despite an amazing marketing campaign, it flopped. Hard.

It was a disorganized mess and the attendees wound up basically stranded at the airport with no water eating cheese sandwiches and hurricane rations.

Turns out the guys who sold the Fyre festival didn’t know the first thing about how to actually run a festival.

The most interesting character in whole debacle is Billy McFarland, the “entrepreneur” who conceived and organized the whole festival.

He’s a great boulshyter, and an extraordinary salesman. But he’s well beyond just being confident, or optimistic.

He’s dishonest.

He’s delusional.

He lives in a sort of fantasy land where there’s no distinction between appearance and reality.

Billy believed his own hype. He believed his own hype so much that he completely lost touch with reality and became a monster.

He had a vision. A compelling vision. A plausible vision. But because he didn’t build his vision on solid ground (i.e. the Truth) his vision turned into a nightmare.

One thing I’ve noticed in the dating coaching/self-help business is that there are a lot of guys like Billy out there.

I’ve worked with them. (Hence the traumatic memories).

Guys who know how to sell. Guys who know how to pump you up and get things done using dreams and wishful thinking. Guys who can motivate and inspire and lead.

And you know what, their stuff works for a while.

But if it’s not grounded in the truth, it’s not built on solid ground.

And eventually it’s all going to fall over.

You can’t fix a problem unless you start with the truth about what the problem is.

That’s why, in my coaching, one of the first things I do is encourage guys to cut out the boulshyte, the fakery, and the games that they may have been playing with women, and start over again. From the beginning.

I start with what is true, and work from there.

And in the long run, that works out a lot better.

Click the link below if you want to find out more about my personalized coaching.

The post Fraud, Fakery and the Fyre Festival appeared first on Chris Shepherd - Toronto Dating Coach.