The Friend Zone

The first time I experienced the “Friend Zone” was in my first year of university. Her name was Iylana and she had bright green eyes and high cheekbones, and moved with this waify Russian elegance that drove me crazy. We sat next to one another in our first year political science class every Monday, and afterwards we would go for lunch or coffee and talk about whatever was on our minds.

She was still dating her highschool boyrfriend, a guy who had dropped out in grade 11, and was working construction and selling pot on the side. She would complain about him regularly, and I would listen, attentively, as a nice guy would. We had things in common, she laughed at my jokes, and she would tell me I was “cute” on a regular basis.

Sometime after thanksgiving, we were sitting at the Second Cup Cafe on campus when I got the news I had been waiting for: she had broken up with her boyfriend. It was time for me to make my move.

“Now that you’re single, we should go on a date”, I said, only slightly awkwardly.

“Oh Chris. I really like you, but we’re just friends.” she said, and gave me a patronizing pat on the head.

I was confused.

So what, I thought to myself. After all, isn’t the best kind of relationship one where you’re friends first? Why wouldn’t she wan’t to date her friend, as long as there was some attraction? I had met her boyfreind, and later I met the guys she dated, and it’s not like these guys were in a different league than I was – they were pretty plain dudes. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I was trapped in the friend-zone  and they were not, and somehow that made them more dateable than I was.

What is the Friend Zone?

The friend zone is a phenomena that guys everywhere have experienced. Most Love Systems students know it well. Usually it works like this: you meet a girl, you appear to have good chemisty and a lot in common. There may even be some sexual tension at the beginning. But for some reason or another, a romantic relationship doesn’t happen early on, and you become friends. Then, maybe weeks or months down the road, you try to make a move and turn things from a friend relationship to a romantic one, but it doesn’t work. You are stuck in the friend zone.

The thing that bugged me with the friend zone though is that is doesn’t really make sense. It would be one thing if women put guys in the friend zone when the guys don’t meet their standards, but the friend zone doesn’t really work that way. I’ve known guys who were rich, successful, confident and everything, yet they were put in the friend zone by women who were dating guys who were beneath them in apparently every way.

Now, there are definitely guys who are in the friend zone because they simply don’t measure up. Guys like this guy, this guy, and this guy aren’t just in the friend zone, they’re fools who will have a hard time getting anyone to like or respect them until they learn a little bit about how the world works.

But the friend zone isn’t just a “consolation prize” for guys who aren’t cool or attractive enough to be boyfriend material. Guys who might actually be attractive enough to be a boyfriend or a lover wind up being disqualified when they fall into the friend zone. There are plenty of good looking, otherwise smooth guys who are stuck in the friend zone.

How could it be that becoming friends with a woman actually reduces your chances of starting a relationship with her? I decided to look into why, and I found some interesting evolutionary theories that would explain why this might be the case.

The Sexy Son Hypothesis: The Evolutionary Theory Behind the Friend Zone

The sexy son hypothesis is an evolutionary theory that Richard Dawkins describes in his book The Selfish Gene:

In a society where males compete with each other to be chosen as he-men by females, one of the best things a mother can do for her genes is to make a son who will turn out in his turn to be an attractive he-man. If she can ensure that her son is one of the fortunate few males who wins most of the copulations in the society when he grows up, she will have an enormous number of grandchildren. The result of this is that one of the most desirable qualities a male can have in the eyes of a female is, quite simply, sexual attractiveness itself.

Now, Richard Dawkins is writing with the presumption is that sexual attractiveness is a physical characteristic. But sexual attractiveness in humans is both physical and behavioural. Women are not just attracted to guys who are good looking, they are also attracted to men who are confident, bold, passionate and assertive, amongst other things. These qualities are significantly more important than looks when it comes to generating attraction in women. I know this because I hang out with a lot of confident, bold, passionate and assertive guys who get a lot of women despite being pretty plain looking (the Love Systems team), and I know a lot of good looking guys who have little to no game.

So, if we assume that a) at significant portion of sexual success and attractiveness is behavioural ( “game” works), and b) a significant portion of this behaviour is heritable, then the Sexy Son Effect starts to apply to “game” as well.

It works like this: Imagine that there was a gene (or more likely, several genes) for “game”. Not only would it be advantageous for guys to have this gene, but more importantly, it would be advantageous for women to be attracted to guys who have this gene. Both the male genes for “game” and the female genes for “attracted to game” would wind up spreading within a population.

On the contrary, if we imagine a hypothetical “no game” gene, it would be advantageous for women to identify and avoid these guys, at least as reproductive partners. After all, hooking up with a guy who has a “no game” gene would lead you to have sons that have no game, and therefore significantly fewer grandchildren – even if the “no game” guy is otherwise an excellent mate choice.

The result is a sort of feedback effect in which game doesn’t just help you to EXPLOIT the attraction you already have, but it actually magnifies attraction. And to the contrary, having bad game, being hesitant and not being in touch with your sexuality doesn’t just prevent you from taking advantage of the attraction you have, but it actually destroys attraction, permanently. To quote the wikipedia article on the subject:

The theory will function regardless of the physical or behavioral trait a female chooses, as long as it is heritable, because it is possessing the trait that makes males attractive, and not the qualities of the trait in itself.

So, confidence, boldness and sexual competence are attractive in themselves – even coming from a guy who might not be considered sexy otherwise.

How does this relate to the friend zone then? 

Some guys fall into the friend zone simply because they don’t have what it takes to generate attraction with a particular woman. But more often, guys fall into the friend zone because they screwed up in the courtship process, and are getting weeded out by the Sexy Son Effect.  When you don’t take the first (or at least second) good opportunity to make a move on a woman, suddenly the Sexy Son Effect starts working against you. The result winds up looking a lot like the “Friendship Ladder Theory” (a popular friend zone analogy from a few years ago), in which women have two “ladders” they rank guys on – one for friends, and one for potential lovers.

The Ladder Theory

The guys on the friendship ladder have the Sexy Son Effect working against them, the guys on the  ”real” ladder have the Sexy Son Effect working in their favor – because they demonstrated sexual confidence and competence, while the guys on the friendship ladder did not. And the recursive power of evolution explains why it’s nearly impossible to move from the friendship ladder to the “real” one.

What this means.

The sexy son hypothesis explains a bunch of seemingly strange stuff that happens sexually that otherwise wouldn’t make sense. For example, these are all things I and other Love Systems instructors have observed over many years of experience that make sense only if you understand the sexy son hypothesis.

1. If you almost seal the deal with a woman, but don’t make it happen, you rarely get another chance. (The One Kick at the Can Rule)
2. Even confident, assertive women prefer to be passive and receptive the courtship process.
3. The man almost always has to make the first move.
4. Women often seem to make things intentionally difficult, even when they like you (Shit tests, etc)
5. Escalation, boldness and making a move can actually CREATE attraction.
6. Not making a move when a woman shows interest in you destroys attraction. (Don’t drop the ball!)
7. You usually have about 3 dates or 10 hours (max) to turn things sexual with a woman, after that you’re going to hear “lets just be friends” nine times out of ten. (the 10 hour rule)

Attraction in women is fickle and harsh – they can love you one minute and the next minute they’re leaving and not even giving you their phone number. It seems irrational, until you understand the sexy son hypothesis, and that they are really selecting guys not just for their personal qualities, but for their skill at navigating and understanding female sexuality itself.

How do you avoid the Friend Zone?

First, if you are stuck in the friend zone, my honest advice to you is to MOVE ON. You actually have a better chance of dating another girl of the same calibre that you didn’t drop the ball with in the first place. There is nothing more emotionally draining, confidence destroying and pathetic than a guy who is hopelessly in love with a female friend that isn’t into him. If you must, make a bold move and risk “ruining” the friendship. Otherwise, just walk away. Maybe you can be friends later when you’re over her, but you simply can’t be friends with someone you love unless they love you back. It’s soul-crushing.

The best strategy for dealing with the friend zone is to not get into it in the first place. That means you need to start showing interest in a woman and leading the interaction at the first good opportunity. Usually, this is when you first meet, but sometimes, such as when you work together, or if one of you is in a relationship, you can start moving things forward later. With Iylana from the opening paragraph, I probably should have started making a move as soon as I knew she was unhappy in her relationship, rather than waiting for months until they broke up. But learning game, making a move early and acting confidently is the secret to avoiding the Friend Zone in the future.

Good luck.

A friend of mine posted this video on her facebook wall, and I though it was both amusing and quite true. A lot of beautiful women, especially those who are beautiful enough that they get hit on a lot, tend to acquire protective habits to keep guys from hitting on them too much, and to filter out less confident guys. “Bitchy resting face” happens to be one of them.

If you meet a girl in a bar, and it looks like she’s in a bad mood, don’t be daunted! She may just have “bitchy resting face” and is actually a sweet person inside! Chat her up like you would anyone else, and see what comes of it. And if she really is a terrible person? Move on!

Here’s how the trip breaks down:

Vancouver – April 5-7 with Cajun

Hong Kong – April 12-14

Munich Inner Game Mini Seminar w/Vox – April 18th

Munich – April 19-21 (Only one seat left) (Read some reviews of my last Munich Bootcamp)

Berlin – April 26-28

I will be available in Paris May 3-5, to teach a french/english class (I speak French but not quite well enough to run a full bootcamp in French). Email Jeremy@lovesystems.com if you’re interested in instruction in Paris that weekend.

Je serai disponible à Paris le 3-5 mai pour enseigner une classe français / anglais (je parle français, mais pas assez bien pour enseigner un bootcamp complet en français). Email Jeremy@lovesystems.com si vous êtes intéressé par l’enseignement à Paris ce week-end.

To sign up, see some reviews and see the rest of my schedule click here, or email Jeremy@lovesystems.com

Check out some more recent reviews of my bootcamps in Chicago, and Toronto, if you’re curious.

Personally, I’ve found that the stuff we teach at Love Systems works pretty consistently all across the world. There are obviously local cultural differences that need to be taken into consideration, but in the end, women around the world all find themselves attracted to men who are assertive (by their cultural standards), who move things forward, who carry themselves with confidence, and who understand the social dynamics of the interaction – all things Love Systems teach in our bootcamps.

That said, there’s a pretty broad consensus amongst the Love Systems instructors that some places are easier and more fun to game in than others. Stockholm is a favorite, as are Montreal and Austin. I just got back from Chicago and I might be adding that city to my list of favorites.

But what’s interesting is that I came across this map in the Washington Post, and it almost perfectly represents the consensus amongst the guys I’ve talked to about their experiences picking up and meeting women around the world.

Basically, it’s a map of the best countries for game.

The Best Countries for Game

The map is from a World Economic Forum Tourism Report, measuring the openness of different countries to foreign visitors, and there are some interesting observations that fit perfectly with my, and other Love Systems instructor’s experiences.

For example:

1. Canada is slightly better than the United States. 
2. Brazil is better than Argentina
3. Sweden beats out Norway
4. South Korea is really tough, but Japan is much easier.
5. I’ve never been to Denmark, but Roosh says it’s terrible.
6. Ireland is friendlier than the UK
7. Estonia is great, Latvia and Lithuania are bad.
8. Hungary is rough.

It also makes obvious sense that a country that was more open to foreigners would be a better place for a foreigner like myself to game than a place that was less open. Also, openness to foreigners probably indicates a higher level of openness to strangers and new experiences in general, which would make cold-approach pickup more effective.

What would be even more interesting to know is how this data breaks down on a city level. Especially in big countries like the United States, there are significant cultural and attitude differences from city to city and from state to state. My guess is that if you were to do a survey like this on the US, you would find a pretty wide divergence from city to city, with places like Austin, New York and LA scoring much higher than cities like Seattle, San Francisco or DC (which are considered tougher cities by most of the guys at Love Systems).

One last note though: one thing I’ve found is that guys who are carrying around negative emotions around women and their dating life almost always are convinced that the city they live in is the worst place in the world for picking up. As with all limiting beliefs, this belief is a little bit true, and mostly bullshit. Some cities are harder, other cities are easier. Either deal with it, or move. Whatever you do, the worst thing you can do for your mental state and your game is to carry around a negative attitude towards the city you live in. Or put another way,

If you can’t have the city you love, love the one you’ve got.

It’s quite hard to summarize the kind of stuff we teach at Love Systems into the kinds of short sound-bites that are suitable for a Friday morning news show. Anyway, I tried to summarize some of what I think is the most valuable advice that your average guy needs to hear.

My main points were:

Ironically, I was actually quite nervous during this interview. It was my first ever time on live television. The hosts were great though and did a good job of making me feel comfortable. I also focused on following my own advice

Looking though it, one thing becomes glaringly obvious – most of these women, who are celebrated for their beauty and look pretty damn hot when they are on screen, are pretty plain without their makeup on.

I’m not shocked. I’ve seen enough women in the morning to know what makeup and lighting do to women, and how to see through it.

But a lot of guys get caught up in the illusion. They get taken in by the hair and the makeup, and wind up putting these women on a pedestal. These women are “10″‘s, they say, and they think they really need to do something special to get these girls. I can’t tell you how many times a student has gone up to me and said “Go approach that ten man”, and I’ve looked around and he’s pointing at a girl like this.

Dani Daniels With and without Makeup

When I see a girl like this, I see the top-right photo. I see a girl who is pretty, but she’s trying hard to impress. She’s wearing a mask, both literally and figuratively. With her mask, she’s powerful, an object of desire from men around her, without the mask, she’s just another girl. I don’t believe in judging women (at least before I talk to them), but you can presume that she is wearing the mask for a reason. Maybe it’s for power over men, maybe it’s to keep up with her girlfriends, maybe it’s because she’s insecure, but there’s always a reason.

Other guys see only the mask. They are taken in by her glamour and think they see something truly special. But she’s just another girl. They’re all just girls.  If you want to be able to relate to these women as people, and to really understand them, you have to see through the illusion. You can’t let it fool you. She’s a regular person with regular person problems and probably a life that’s a bit dull.

On the other hand, one of my favorite things is when you’re in a coffee shop on a Sunday morning and all of a sudden, the girl at the top left of this picture walks in.

Rilee Marks With and Without Makeup

She’s cute, probably pretty enough to attract some looks at the coffee shop, but not a pin-up girl. Maybe she was up late studying, is dressed a bit shleppy, her hair isn’t done, and she’s got a cute little gap between her teeth. But even at 11am on a Sunday, you can tell that she has something special about her. The smile, the eyes, those are real.

And so you chat her up, and get her number, and later that week you meet up and bam, the girl on the right shows up. There’s nothing nicer than getting a pretty girl’s number, and having a stunner show up at your date. It happens.

Of course, if you’re a guy who has limiting beliefs about beauty, you’re going to mess things up. In the first case, you’re going to mess things up because you fall for her mask, and give her beauty more meaning than it deserves. In the second case, you might pass up making a convenient move on a gorgeous girl because she’s looking a little bit frumpy.

You need to look past the makeup, and go for women who stir something inside of you. Don’t put beautiful women on a pedestal, or overlook the beauty in the women around you. And always, always, go for what YOU want, not for what you think would impress your friends, or what you thing you “ought” to go for.

It’s just good game.

I’m not talking about serious psychological problems, but rather psychological blocks, or “sticking points” that even emotionally healthy people have and which prevent them from really using the knowledge and skills that they already have. People who have sticking points often say things like:

• I know what to do, but when the time comes to do it, I just freeze. 
• I realize what I’m doing wrong, but I just CANT fix it.
• I feel like I’m stuck in neutral, like I’m paralyzed.
• I over analyze things and don’t take the action that I wanted to do.

I understand, because I’ve been there.

When I was just starting to learn how to pick up women, I would often get “stuck”. I would know exactly what I was supposed to do next to move things forward.

But I just wouldn’t do it!

Something was blocking me. I knew I could start a conversation with a certain girl, and I knew what to say, but I just wouldn’t approach. Or I would know it was time to make a move, time to go for a kiss, or turn things sexual, but I just wouldn’t do it.

And I would get frustrated.

After all, it’s one thing to try your hardest and make a good effort and fail; that can be frustrating enough, but to be given a golden opportunity, a girl that is giving you eyes in a bar, or a date that is going well, and then to choke – well that’s REALLY frustrating.

And the feeling is always the same, it’s like this little ball of energy in your chest, a feeling of tension that spreads across the shoulders and up into the throat. And a paralysis that seems to happen at the brain stem, the conscious mind is racing but every action seems to get vetoed by some process deep in your mind, and all your thoughts and plans and intentions just get held up, like your brain is stuck in neutral.

The knowledge is there, but your emotional mind is holding you back from taking action with the knowledge you have.

I’ve experienced that feeling of paralysis on a number of different occasions, in a bunch of different situations. Each time it was a good opportunity to learn a bit about myself, and the stuff that’s going on “under the hood” in my mind. Every time that happens, your mind is telling you something about your subconscious beliefs, and you should pay attention.

I remember one time I had that feeling, it was at the CN Tower in Toronto. There’s a glass floor there, where you can walk around in the air 500 meters above the ground, looking straight down to the earth below.

I knew the floor was safe, but as I put my foot out to step on the clear acrylic blocks, I felt that little ball of energy in my chest. Suddenly, my foot wouldn’t move.

Something in the back of my brain was vetoing my behavior.

I was stuck in neutral.

I stepped back, and pretended that I didn’t really want to walk on the glass floor anyways. After all, how embarrassing would it be to admit that I had choked, that I couldn’t even put my foot down on a perfectly safe glass floor.

But I was pissed off, and I was determined that it wouldn’t happen to me again. I was going to fix this sticking point.

What Happens when you Hit a Sticking Point

There’s an old analogy that says the conscious mind’s relationship with the subconscious is kind of like a man riding an elephant. The man (our conscious mind) directs and leads the elephant (our subconscious mind) and tells it what to do. This all works fine and dandy, until the owner wants the elephant to cross a stream, and the elephant says “nope”.

And that’s what happens when you choke; your conscious mind sets out a particular task, and your subconscious, animal mind says “nope”.

And the rider freaks out, starts pushing the elephant from behind, starts grabbing at the reigns of the elephant, trying to pull his elephant across the stream.

And the elephant just stands there. He’s not going anywhere.

They are paralyzed, stuck in neutral.

The Solution

The solution to this problem is to work on training that elephant. Your subconscious mind, like an elephant, needs to be trained rather than talked to. It needs to learn from watching, from experiencing, and from careful training that the conscious mind provides it.

Your Beliefs

A big part of this is your beliefs. I’m not talking about the regular, day to day beliefs that you get from reading books. If you read an encyclopedia and it tells you that the German Parliament is in Bonn, and then you realize a few minutes later that your encyclopedia is from 1995, and the German Parliament is now in Berlin, you don’t have any problems changing that belief. Your conscious mind is smart and flexible and for the most part, rational.

But your elephant has beliefs too. Its beliefs are more basic and primal, and mostly have to do with danger and desire and our basic emotions. An elephant might believe that water equals danger, or that the stream is too deep to cross. Maybe the Elephant tried to cross a swift flowing river one time and nearly drowned. He doesn’t know what the rider knows, but he knows he’s not crossing the stream.

Back to the CN tower, standing next to the glass floor, 500 meters above the city of Toronto, I asked myself “What is going on here”.

Of course, it was kind of obvious – part of me didn’t really believe that the glass floor was safe. Of course, I knew the glass was safe, but I didn’t believe it.

How to Change a Limiting Belief

The beliefs we carry around in our subconscious are deep seated, they’re emotional, and they’re hard to reason away. That makes them resistant to change. But you can do it.

First: Identify your Limiting Belief

The first step is to really recognize what is holding you back. What is the belief that is causing you to get stuck, that is preventing you from taking effective action towards your goals.

I have found meditation is a really good way to get a perspective on what is really going on “under the hood”, and what your subconscious mind is actually thinking. So I’ve created an Inner Game Meditation page that you can check out with exercises and advice on how to meditate and use meditation to gain insight about yourself and get in touch with your emotions. The Sticking Point Meditation is specifically about identifying the real emotional barriers to taking action (it’s often not what you think).

For me in the CN Tower, the limiting belief was the belief that the floor wasn’t really safe. I *knew* it was safe, but I didn’t really believe it. 

When it comes to dating, some common limiting beliefs are:

• That women don’t really like sex, so you’re being a pest by making a move.
• That liking sex is bad.
• That women are terribly picky/you’re not worthy, and you need more “attraction” before making a move.
• That people don’t like talking to strangers, so you shouldn’t approach.
• That you’ll get punched in the face for some reason.
• That pursuing your self interest is in some way wrong, and you should serve other people’s interests or be a “bad” person.

Keep in mind, these beliefs are often subconscious  – you might intellectually think liking sex is perfectly fine, but still subconsciously carry a strict catholic attitude in your subconscious. This is one of the reasons that sticking points can be so hard to overcome.

Second: Create an Antidote

Once you have identified your limiting belief, you need something to replace it. What is the reality of the situation? Look around you, and look to evidence for the solution. I say look to evidence, because your own judgement will often be clouded by your subconscious limiting belief.

So you might have the antidote belief:

• Women like sex, and they like men who confidently make a move when the time is right.
• That liking sex is great.
• That attraction is rather easy to get, and most guys screw up by not approaching, not escalating smoothly, or getting psyched out.
• That people like talking to strangers and meeting new people.
• That the existence of the odd exceptions to the rules above doesn’t make them any less true.
• That you won’t get punched in the face as long as you’re not a total buffoon.
• That every living thing has evolved to pursue it’s enlightened self-interest and there is nothing wrong with respectfully going after what you want.

Third: Train the Elephant

If you had an elephant that was afraid of crossing a stream, what would you do? You’d try to train it to no longer fear water. Maybe you’d get it to cross a smaller stream, then a bigger one and a bigger one until it realized that streams weren’t dangerous.

In confronting our own limiting beliefs, the strategy is the same: gradually condition yourself until your subconscious mind is no longer freaking out over minor things.

You can also use visualization. One of the advantages of visualization is that it allows your conscious mind to create a perfect little training scenario for your emotional mind.

Take your antidote belief, and imagine that it’s true. You’re out with a girl and she is DYING for you to make a move on her. The great thing about using your imagination is that you can visualize things that go beyond reality – such as an ability to read people’s minds.

So you:

• Visualize that you’re on a date and the girl you’re with is DYING for you to make a move.
• Visualize sex being GOOD. And the good energy it brings.
• Visualize women being attracted to you.
• Visualize women WANTING you to talk to them.
• Visualize yourself pursuing your self-interest and asserting yourself, and people respecting you for it.

Up on top of the CN tower, I closed my eyes for a second, and visualized that the glass floor I was walking on was made of diamonds. I visualized it being incredibly strong and indestructible. I needed to teach my subconscious mind that the glass floor was nothing to be feared.

Fourth: Get Experience

The final step is out into that open space that your deeper mind tells you is dangerous, but your reason tells you is safe. You need to walk on that glass floor and experience the disconcerting illusion of danger, and the gradual deep satisfaction of realizing that you took another step out of your comfort zones and you’re still safe and alive and all is good.  You need to go out and get the experience required to really solidify your new, more rational beliefs. You need to go out and approach women, you need to make a move and you need to regularly, and consistently, make an effort to get outside your comfort zone and do the very things that make you feel the most uncomfortable.

That’s one of the main things I focus on in my bootcamps – taking action to change our beliefs. That’s what the routines and gimmicks we teach at Love Systems are really all about – giving guys a safe, effective, supportive environment to get outside their comfort zones and take action that will re-shape their beliefs about themselves, about women, about sexuality and social dynamics in general. Once your beliefs are in line with your reason and reality, you can ditch all the gimmicks – and most guys do.

It’s only by continually pushing yourself, and confronting your limiting and negative beliefs that you can achieve real self confidence and live the kind of life where you feel free from these irrational beliefs holding you back, free to pursue the goals you want, and to unlock the full power of your mind and your personality.

You need to train that elephant.

If you liked this post, please share! 

BigLifer 

There is a Bro Code.  It is a good thing.  Stop apologizing for being a man.  Inevitably when there’s talk about men needing to change it always involves making them more feminine.  It’s always about softening us up just a little more.

We are not chicks.  We should not be chicks.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a man.  We don’t need to be more sensitive and become more in-touch with our feelings.  We need to be men and let women be women.

But sometimes you have to speak up.

If you’ve been following the blogs recently, you may have noticed that Jeffy from Real Social Dynamics has gotten a bit of negative attention from the press. It seems as though (edit: the friend of) a writer for Jezebel went on a date with RSD Jeffy and wrote about her negative experience. This caused other women to speak up about their stories about RSD Jeffy, including a professional escort, and several others. Nobody had anything nice to say.

Common themes include: meeting on OkCupid, Jeffy being pushy in the bedroom, Jeffy freaking out and berating women who won’t sleep with him, and generally being an insane douchebag. I highly recommend you read the articles above for the full story.

RSD Jeffy’s Text Game

This is doubly ironic coming from guys who go on and on about the “inner game” of picking up, and being “unreactive”, and getting in touch with your “true self”, while “pimping” the club. Of course, a lot of that advice is actually pretty good. You should focus on your inner game, you should be unreactive, and getting in touch with your true self is probably a good idea. But when you’re learning how to do this stuff, who are you taking your cues from? People who have their act together? Or people who are deeply messed up?

There’s a saying in medicine: “First, do no harm”. And that’s something I take seriously when I’m teaching guys. If I give 90% good advice, and 10% harmful advice, am I really helping the guys who come to me? If 90% of the time I’m teaching men how to be more confident, in touch with themselves and competent in their relationships with women, and 10% of the time I’m indoctrinating students with my own insecurities, am I really helping them? Or are we just trading one set of problems for another?

This is the problem with a lot of the PUA scene. You have a lot of guys out there who give 90% good advice and positivity, and 10% bad advice and negativity. And what’s the result? Students who just trade one set of relationship problems for another. Students who feel the need to keep coming back for more and more advice, because every bit of good advice they get is laced with a “poison pill” of insecurity and bad inner game. You get dependence, instead of independence, insecurity instead of real self confidence. And little teasers of success and validation instead of real positive changes to the way you relate to people and to yourself.

And when someone sets themselves up as an “inner game guru”, without having their act together personally, they wind up doing exactly that – indoctrinating students with their own hangups and negativity, and actually holding their students back instead of helping them.

The cognitive dissonance must be killing them.

Follow this link to read some more RSD Reviews from the attraction forums.

Update: Clarisse Thorne has written an article for the SFWeekly Blog.

At Love Systems, we’re always working on new things, and trying to push the boundaries of how you can teach dating and seduction. So, when Nick Savoy asked me a few months ago whether I thought it was a good idea to try teaching “The Game” to women, I said hell yeah – but how would it work, and would woman want to hear it?

It’s Your Move by Nick Savoy

Well, fast forward a few months, and Nick is set to release his new book for women, entitled “It’s Your Move: How to Play the Game and Win the Man you Want“. It’s probably the only book for women out there that takes an evolutionary psychology approach to dating, and it’s sure to be pretty controversial.

Most mainstream dating books start out by telling people what they want to hear. They flatter you and tell you that change is easy, and resist the urge to challenge your view of the world. Regardless of gender, people overwhelmingly prefer to be told what they want to hear rather than the truth. In “It’s Your Move”, Nick Savoy takes the opposite approach – he starts by establishing his credibility by reviewing Love Systems and what Love Systems is about, but then goes stright on to tell women what we’ve learned: what their REAL attraction switches are.

Now, if you’ve been in the game as long as I have, you know that some women don’t take kindly to being told that they really don’t go for “nice guys” and that what they’re looking for is strength, status, social intelligence and the other attraction switches that we teach. Often their gut reaction is to argue, or to insist that the way they pick guys is through some sort of magical “chemistry” that defies description. But Nick Savoy does a good job of making his case, and even cites a half dozen studies. (Since when do dating books have citations?) In any case, Nick starts with a bold move by advocating some mainstream “Game” ideas up front to his reader.

Anyway, for the brave, insightful or open-minded reader who gets past the initial shock of not having her prejudices confirmed, the book starts getting into the nitty gritty of how to get a guy. This is where I think most women will get the most value, and where the book really shines.

Just like Love Systems for men, the system is ethical, but realist. There’s no trickery or dishonesty, just a recognition that dating is a bit more complicated than “just be yourself and you’ll meet the right person”, combined with some real, practical, applicable advice that you can put into use right away. Most of these are similar to what we teach men.

Here are just a few examples of useful techniques from It’s Your Move:

• Guide men with compliments. For example, if you want your guy to act like a gentleman, compliment him for being a gentleman, and you’ll get more of that behavior. (I use this on women with great results)
• Use Eye contact to get men to “Open” you. Or open them yourself!
• The Eye Contact Seduction Stare: An eye contact technique that generates attraction and keeps guys guessing. (This works on me!)
• How to be a challenge without putting him off (as a man I think women really need to read this!)
• How to tell when men are lying using Nick Savoy’s Lie Detector Test.

Honestly, I think this book is revolutionary, but it might be ahead of its time. It challenges the conventional narrative of how relationships work. It’s focused on relationships but it’s also talks about hookups, one night stands, and all the other things that real women do and often enjoy, but don’t often talk about. It ignores the political correctness, moralism, and the feminist perspective that dominates most information that women get about sex.  It cites studies and evidence rather than telling people what they want to hear.

As a guy who has been around the block more than a few times (and has helped other guys do the same), I can tell you that all the advice in It’s Your Move rings true. I would recommend it to any woman I knew who was looking to improve the quality of the guys she dates.

But the question is.

Are people ready to hear it?

See Nick Savoy’s Appearance on the Today Show here.