“This is a huge sea change that is playing itself out in American politics,” said Democratic pollster Doug Schoen. “Independents who had become effectively operational Democrats in 2006 and 2008 are now up for grabs and are trending Republican. They’re saying, ‘Costing too much, no results, see the downside, not sure of the upside.’”

Really? Is that what they’re saying? Since when do independent voters talk like Rain Man?

In the last couple of weeks, Obama has dropped six percentage points among independent voters and in some state polls he’s dropped even more. So is this about Obama or the economic shitstorm? It’s human nature to want someone to blame. I blame other people for pretty much everything that goes wrong in my life. What would you have me do? Hold myself personally responsible?

Speaking of abandonment, I’m abandoning you all until next Tuesday. I will be hiking the Appalachian Trail in Argentina with my spiritual adviser. See you when I get back, when I will try my best to fall back in love with you.

“How much longer will Chuck Schumer stay as senator?” asked Baldwin, a native New Yorker. “After 2013 Bloomberg will be gone. What happens then? Do I run for Congress on Long Island?

“People get sick, die. They’re offered lucrative deals and want to cash in and make money for their retirement. People misstep. Unfortunately, an opportunity for me may mean bad things for someone else. I don’t wish that.”

Oh, please. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. You’d have someone taken out if you thought it would get you closer to elected office. The smell of power is intoxicating.

Now I’m no fan of the Baldwins, although at least Alec can be funny. Unlike brother Billy, star of Flatliners (”I did not come to medical school to murder my classmates!”) and spouse of that chick from Wilson-Phillips who reminded us to hold on for one more day. Then there’s Stephen, the born-again Christian who gave born-again Christians a bad name by losing to Lou Diamond Phillips in I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! Another Baldwin brother (Daniel, known as “that other Baldwin brother”) was on the show as well, which will soon be renamed, I’m a Baldwin…Get Me Out of Here!

I first noticed Alec as Melanie Griffith’s cheating boyfriend Mick in Working Girl. Then he was in The Hunt for Red October before Harrison Ford totally bogarted the role of Jack Ryan (although I hear George Clooney’s the new one). He met his ex-wife Kim Basinger on the set of The Marrying Man, which may be one of the worst movies ever made, although it’s got competition with Prelude to a Kiss (mostly Meg Ryan’s fault). He’s also been on SNL a lot, bringing us full circle to Al Franken, another celebrity with zero experience who was just sworn in. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Speaking of crime and punishment, Karl Rove was deposed for several hours on Tuesday by the House Judiciary Committee for his role in the U.S. attorney firings, while former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales landed a job as a visiting professor at Texas Tech in Lubbock. That’s so unfair. Why did Rove get off so easy?

In other news, a USA TODAY/Gallup poll shows that, since quitting as governor to do absolutely nothing, Sarah Palin is more popular than ever with the Republican base. Two-thirds of Republicans want Palin to be “a major national political figure” in the future, and 71 percent say they’d be likely to vote for her if she ran in 2012. Who are these people?! Seriously. Democrats have been criticized by the right for annointing Obama as The Messiah. What does that make Palin? Jesus Christ Superstar?

Here’s Palin’s latest homily on her twitter feed: Today,try this: “Act in accordance to your conscience -risk- by pursuing larger vision in opposition to popular, powerful pressure”-unknown.

Since this is an “unknown” quote, I decided to perform a little research. The closest I could find is JFK’s Profile in Courage award, which states: “The Profile in Courage Award seeks to make Americans aware of the conscientious and courageous acts of their public servants, and to encourage elected officials to choose principles over partisanship – to do what is right, rather than what is expedient.”

OH SHE DID NOT JUST SULLY THE KENNEDY NAME.

He’s written a book due out next year called, “The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports.” You see, Mr. Allen not only played football at UVA, he also played rugby, making the senator uniquely qualified to discuss Washington and football and rugby.

According to the press release: In The Triumph of Character, Allen brings together two all-American passions—politics and sports—and reveals what Washington could learn from the enduring principles found in athletic competition and team sports. Having spent the better part of his life with one foot in both the world of sports and the world of politics, Allen will draw parallels and contrasts between the two arenas. Using his own engaging and entertaining personal stories, blah blah blah vomit.

Since I can’t remember much about Allen, I do what I usually do in cases such as these and search through my blog archives for whatever falsified information I may have written previously. After the macaca incident, we found out about the allegations of racism in college and the Bambi incident, in which the senator stuffed a severed doe’s head in a black person’s mailbox. (Actually, that one’s true.) I believe that’s in Chapter 14, in between “Character” and “You’ve Got Mail!”

Latest headline from MSNBC: Jackson’s Golden Casket Arrives Onstage at Memorial
CNN: Mariah Carey sings “I’ll Be There” (plus a special iReport topic: How are you honoring MJ today? Answer: By disparaging him.)
ABC: We Are Going to See the King
FOX: Tears for Michael Jackson

Oh, don’t kid yourself. It’s not just the networks, the NY Times is live blogging the non-event (Queen Latifah says she’s here to represent the fans who “grew up loving Michael from a distance”) and WashPost is doing a live Q&A saluting the King of Pop.

I mean, Good God Media! North Korea could obliterate the Upper 49th and no one would notice because they don’t even have a governor anymore. She’s on her skiff (that’s what he said) wearing a Cabela’s fishing bib, according to the Anchorage Daily News. (”I can’t predict the next fish run much less what’s going to happen in a few years!”) I am happy to report that I am NOT watching the memorial service as I am too busy trying to find more information on Mark Sanford. Let’s get a live feed of that.

Not that the tea parties were such a hit this time around. First, the anti-tax-tivists lost the movement’s Betsy Ross when Palin stepped down (MY HEART WITH RAPTURE THRILLS!). And, here in Texas, some of the politicians who showed up got booed, namely John Cornyn and Rick Perry. Rick Perry?! Isn’t he the darling of the Mad Hatter tea parties? Apparently, not anymore. Both the governor and Cornyn were booed at the Austin event, held at the Capitol. Cornyn, because he’s in Washington and voted for the bailout. Perry, because of the toll roads and the fact that we haven’t seceded yet.

“Washington needs to hear you loud and clear with one simple message,” Perry told the crowd, which was disappointed that Joe the Plumber was at that other rally. “Cut the spending! Cut the taxes! Shrink the government! Read the Constitution of the United States!” Pepper your words with exclamation points!

“I’m not part of Washington,” Cornyn, dressed in a cowboy hat (and not much else WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE), said. “I happen to work there, but on behalf of Texas, and I can vote ‘no’ on these reckless spending bills, on the refusal to cut taxes.” Huh. I’m not part of Washington, I just happen to work there. Well, I’m not part of Texas Monthly, I just happen to live here. In my office. Sleeping on back issues and living on Gardetto’s snack mix from the vending machine.

Dude. The economy sucks.

Here’s what conservative commentator George Will said about Palin:

STEPHANOPOULOS: “Regardless of motivations on Friday, is there a plausible comeback strategy here?”

WILL: “I don’t think so. I can see her in Iowa because Iowa has a large evangelical Christian component, in the Republican nominating electorate. Beyond Iowa, no. She is now not going to be presented as someone that’s only a first-term governor of Alaska, she’s not even a first-term governor.”

And then there’s conservative commentator Tony Blankley:

BLANKLEY: “I think it’s fixable. And as you mentioned, when Dick Nixon said you won’t have Nixon to kick around, he subsequently got elected twice to the presidency.”

Ah, yes. Nixon. Now there’s a presidential role model. Come on. Even Karl Rove is saying that it’s a risky strategy. And we all know he wants to hike the Appalachian Trail with her, if you know what I mean. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE HOW LAME. (Sorry. When all else fails, Sanfordize it.)

When I heard the news, I turned on CNN where she was speaking from her home in Wasilla, while Vladimir Putin watched from Russia. After listing all of her accomplishments, she announced she would be stepping down by the end of the month. Of course, the speculation is that she’s doing this to run in 2012. But what exactly does she intend to do between now and then? Go on a three-year listening tour? Hold weekly town hall meetings? Challenge President Obama to a marathon, as she mentioned in an interview with Runner’s World?

“I betcha I’d have more endurance,” she said. “What I lacked in physical strength or skill, I made up for in determination and endurance.” OK, scrappy. Let’s take it down a notch. (And, really, is it necessary to wear glasses even when doing yoga? I’m beginning to think her eyes are fake.)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, given the holiday weekend and all, but this is not good. The jobless rate is at a 26-year high (not that I can remember since I wasn’t even alive back then). Close to 15 million people are out of work. Luckily, the Republicans, when they’re not hiking for Argentinian tail, are all over this. Especially House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced “Cankle”), who released this Web video. Starring a bloodhound named Ellie May. Sniffing for jobs and snausages.

[via First Read]

While searching for more sex lines that Sanford may or may not have crossed, I came across this MSNBC headline: Capri pants bare scourge of summer: ‘cankles.’ I let out a groan of disgust, yelling to my colleagues, “WHO ELSE IS OFFENDED BY THIS?!” And then, in a smaller voice, “Do these jeans that hide every part of my legs make my ankles look fat?” To raise awareness about this latest scourge, Gold’s Gym has designated July “Cankle Awareness Month.” For those of you who aren’t familiar with this term, a “cankle” is derived from the words “calf” and “ankle” to describe a hideous deformity in which your calf essentially merges with your ankle. For those of you unfamiliar with Gold’s Gym, it’s a subpar workout facility for meatheads and silicone.

Now, if for some reason you’re not willing to starve yourself in the hopes that your ankles slim down, Gold’s offers some tips to hide those unsightly abominations. No skinny jeans. Wear cropped pants to emphasize the “thinnest” part of your fat ankle, or “fankle.” Avoid shoes with ankle straps. And, if you’re working out, be sure to wear “bright sneakers” to divert attention from your cankle fankles. I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you just CUT OFF YOUR ANKLES FATTIES? Are we really supposed to buy into this?

Ladies, the true scourge this summer is the leadership of South Carolina or lack thereof. While the calls for Sanford’s resignation have grown louder, attention is turning to André Bauer, the lieutenant governor (pictured below with Sanford). Apparently Bauer has his own issues, which include driving like a dick and dressing up like a choir boy.

In 2003, Bauer was charged with running two red lights in downtown Columbia. When he was pulled over, he was so aggressive that the officer had to PULL A GUN ON HIM. In 2006, a state trooper clocked him driving 101 mph on the highway. A few weeks after that, he crashed his single-engine airplane. These are not the actions of a stable man. And then, of course, there are the… gay rumors. How will that fit into Sanford’s all-important Christian family values?

In an interview, Bauer said, “Is André Bauer gay? That is now the story. One word, two letters. ‘No.’ Let’s go ahead and dispel that now.” So he’s not gay. But he does refer to himself in the third person. Jackass. An adviser said that the rumors are just that: “You see this very well orchestrated and coordinated attack coming from potential opponents in 2010 and the governor’s office aimed at him. André didn’t fly to Argentina. He didn’t misuse taxpayer’s money… André’s just there.”

So this is what it’s come to. The best man for the job is someone who’s “just there.” Just There 2010!

[via Shenanigans]

In an “emotional” interview with the AP today, Sanford said that he “crossed lines” with a handful of other women but never had sex with them. In fact, he said that he “never crossed the ultimate line” with anyone but Maria Belen Chapur. What does this mean? He pulled out of the race at the last minute? He came right up to the finish line but didn’t quite break the ribbon?

Sanford said that while Maria is his soul mate, he’s trying to fall back in love with his wife. Let’s just say that again. He’s TRYING to fall back in love with his wife. A valiant effort, one worthy of a true Southern Gentleman. Good luck with that. Plus I’m sure his wife will be happy to know that although Sanford “let his guard down” with some physical contact, he “didn’t cross the sex line.” According to the AP, he wouldn’t go into detail. Don’t leave us hanging! (That’s what he said.)

He met Maria in 2001 at an open-air dance spot in Punta Del Este, Uruguay. “There was some kind of connection from the very beginning,” Sanford said, insisting that neither that first meeting nor a coffee date at the RNC in 2004 were “romantic.” Since when is asking someone to screw you over cheap convention watered-down coffee not romantic?

The governor clarified that these casual encounters, which all took place OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY (crossing international lines), happened before he met Maria. Because while it’s perfectly acceptable, even encouraged, to cheat on your wife, it’s just poor form to cheat on your mistress. Sanford admitted that he crossed the ultimate sex line with Maria, in what he described as five “meetings” over the past year, including two romantic trysts in New York where he intended to break up with her. He was even accompanied once by his spiritual adviser for what was to be their farewell meeting, where they all went to church and had dinner. No word on whether the three crossed the ultimate line.

Despite her disastrous performance in the 2008 election, Sarah Palin is still the sexiest brand in Republican politics, with a lucrative book contract for her story. But what Alaska’s charismatic governor wants the public to know about herself doesn’t always jibe with reality. As John McCain’s top campaign officials talk more candidly than ever before about the meltdown of his vice-presidential pick, the author tracks the signs—political and personal—that Palin was big trouble, and checks the forecast for her future.

If the list I published yesterday of top GOP presidential candidates is any indication, she’s got a pretty good shot. Assuming that Pawlenty, Huntsman, Barbour, Jindal, Crist, and Daniels all take a “hike” on the “Appalachian Trail.” And we all know what that means. Climbing Mount Mistress.

I read this story with some trepidation since Purdum is the same guy who did that hatchet job on Bill Clinton which upset me SO MUCH that I would’ve immediately canceled my subscription if I had one. But since he’s married to Dee Dee Myers, who I shared a deep connection with when I interviewed her, I suppose all is forgiven. I was hoping that Purdum would provide an answer to that burning question concerning the governor of the Great State of Alaska—is that her real hair or is she using extensions? Because it is fabulous. Instead, he asks this:

How could John McCain, one of the cagiest survivors in contemporary politics—with a fine appreciation of life’s injustices and absurdities, a love for the sweep of history, and an overdeveloped sense of his own integrity and honor—ever have picked a person whose utter shortage of qualification for her proposed job all but disqualified him for his?

Whoomp! There it is.

According to Purdum, former McCain aide Mark McKinnon was brought in as “Palin’s horse whisperer.” I don’t get it. Why would they need someone who could communicate with traumatized horses? McKinnon’s role was to help prep Palin for the VP debate against Joe Biden. Apparently his advice was to pretend you’re trying to pick up that dude at the end of the bar by acting somewhat drunk and winking excessively.

Let’s be honest. If Sarah Palin is the future of the Republican party, the Republican party has no future. If you don’t believe me (and really, why would you), go and read the article.

Sweater Weather

You may have noticed that it’s hot outside. If you’re like me, you’re wondering, “How did I end up in hell? I thought I was a semi-decent person.” When I walk outside in the morning, I feel like I may burst into flames. Before I get to my car I’m already sweating profusely and gasping for air, and once I get inside, I’m trapped in a virtual oven equipped with leather seats and a half-melted Dalí-esque steering wheel.