Lt. Gov. Dewhurst and Tea Party Spawn Ted Cruz have ended up in a run-off. I knew Dewhurst should’ve spent more than $13 million. After his non-victory last night, the somewhat manic and slightly delusional Cruz challenged Dewhurst to five debates between now and July 31st. He better watch it. Dewhurst, a former CIA agent millionaire, could go rogue and travel to the Kingdom of Bhutan to attend a refresher course in ninja-ism and other martial arts before coming back to take out Cruz with one swift Batarang. (What? It could happen.)

Cruz’s campaign website is now emblazoned with the banner SHOWDOWN and the tagline: “Send the Cruz Missile to Defeat the Establishment.” The “Cruz missile”? Seriously? Why don’t you just say “Send My Dick to Congress”?

Oh, I get it. The subversion of the Democratic process isn’t an emergency. I suppose I should just wait silently and watch my constitutional rights be stripped away while our country descends into complete anarchy. Since the police weren’t going to do anything about it, I started making citizen’s arrests. (Apparently you’re supposed to do this by standing in front of them and firmly saying “Stop!” while telling them them that they’re under citizen’s arrest. It sounds more effective than it is, especially when you’re wearing yoga clothes and walking a pug.)

Aside from Dewhurst v. Cruz, the only thing to really watch for tonight is whether Romney can win enough delegates here to secure the presidential nomination. I’m not entirely sure he can pull it off. Texans don’t like to be ignored. He’s not even going to be here for his victory speech. Instead he’s going to be with Donald Trump in Vegas. COME EAT A CORN DOG WITH US. WE MATTER.

Brooklyn has won an award for Most Outrageous Sex Scene for her work in “Mission Asspossible,” which was up for an Oscar but lost to “The Artist.” Tasha has appeared in such celebrated films as “Baby Got Boobs 8″ and “Farm Girls Gone Bad.” (Does that mean there were seven previous “Baby Got Boobs” films?) Hoping to learn more about these talented young actresses gainfully employed in the adult film industry, I checked their Twitter feeds. Tasha’s last tweet was, “Ok no tweets for 15 hours xo see u soon baby, ps I’m cumming to blush gentlemens club !!!” That’s kind of like my last tweet about Mitt Romney’s failed economic policies.

I’m guessing these names aren’t real. They probably just made them up using the name of their first pet and the first street they lived on. Mine is Muffin Forest Villa.

(Incidentally my Star Wars name is Eilsm Crwas.)

In a sermon at Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C., Rev. Charles Worley told the congregation that he had “figured out a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers.” Oh, wait. I know this one. Hunger Games for gays?

Build a great, big, large fence — 150- or 100-mile long — put all the lesbians in there . . . do the same thing for the queers and the homosexuals, and have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. Feed ’em, and you know what? In a few years they’ll die. Do you know why? They can’t reproduce.

That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. Why go to the trouble of building an electric fence when you can just shoot the gays on sight? I mean, it’s easy enough to tell who’s gay. A good place to start would be the Family Research Council and its sizable Rolodex of evangelical closeted homosexuals.

“It makes me pukin’ sick to think about,” said Worley. “I don’t even know whether y’all can say this in the pulpit or not — can you imagine kissing some man?” Gross. I can’t imagine kissing some man. But I bet Worley thinks about it. A lot.

Incidentally I didn’t know that anyone used the term “queer” anymore. When I was growing up I remember that game called “Smear the Queer” in which the kid who has the ball is chased by everyone else and eventually tackled. (I believe the game is now called “Run Baptist Pastor Before We Turn You Gay!”) Of course at the time I had no idea that “queer” was a derogatory term. I just knew that when I was handed the ball I had to run for my life or risk having my shoulder dislocated. Again.

Today the University of Notre Dame joined other Catholic institutions in suing the administration over its contraception mandate. Thank God. Someone had to step up since Jesus is obviously more worried about feeding the poor and healing the sick. The Notre Dame lawsuit, also filed by Catholic University and others, argues that the mandate violates religious freedom. Oh please. This from the school of the “Fighting Irish” and a leprechaun for a mascot? That’s blatant discrimination against Irish Americans. Are we supposed to think it’s FUNNY that they view Irish people as leprechauns? I bet they like Lucky Charms dipped in Jameson too!

Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York said that the bishops have “tried negotiation with the administration and legislation with the Congress — and we’ll keep at it — but there’s still no fix. Time is running out, and our valuable ministries and fundamental rights hang in the balance, so we have to resort to the courts now.”

Yes, fundamental rights hang in the balance. For those of you Protestant heathens out there, the use of contraceptives is what we Catholics like to call a “mortal sin,” similar to murder, adultery, single women of a certain age, divorce, homosexuality and sorcery. Unlike a “venial sin,” a mortal sin basically condemns a person to hell. A venial sin, on the other hand, is considered a forgivable sin (although it can mean a stint in purgatory) as long as you seek penance and spend the rest of your life hating yourself for being a bad person. Venial sins include skipping mass on Sunday, swearing, blogging, smoking and molesting altar boys.

SERIOUSLY, BISHOPS? I mean, being Catholic used to be cool. I remember a time when all my non-Catholic friends were jealous of me because I was Catholic. I kid. I wasn’t allowed to have non-Catholic friends for obvious reasons. Like their sinful stench might rub off on me. But now no one wants to be Catholic, the most common refrain being, “I grew up Catholic,” meaning now they’ve grown out of it and they no longer want to be shunned by society. Most devout Catholics have gone underground, communicating with the outside world only by Morse code.

Speaking of which, · · · — — — · · ·. Like, now.

According to the proposal, “The world is about to see Jeremiah Wright and understand his influence on Barack Obama for the first time in a big, attention-arresting way.” Yes, in case you missed the intense media coverage and viral videos of his sermons, you’ll be able to see it all over again. The Romney campaign has stated that it wants no part of the attacks. Well of course not. Who’s the genius who decided to bring religion into this? HE’S A MORMON. Voters still confuse Mormonism with Scientology. And they consider Scientology less creepy.

The plan is titled “The Defeat of Barack Hussein Obama” (Hussein=Muslim). In the plan the group suggests hiring an “extremely literate conservative African-American” who can make the point that the president misled voters by presenting himself as a “metrosexual, black Abe Lincoln.” An “extremely literate” African-American? That’s a tall order! And personally I’ve never thought of Obama as a “metrosexual black Abe Lincoln.” To me he’s much more like a “narcissistic Martin Van Buren” or a “white Bill Clinton.”

Shame on them. I would say these anti-Obama conservatives are better than this but I’d be lying, and I only lie when people ask me how old I am, what I do for a living and whether I have any intention of doing something with the second half of my life.

(Incidentally billionaire Joe Ricketts is the founder of TD Ameritrade, the owner of the Chicago Cubs and the world’s largest bison retailer. While I can’t do much about the Cubs or bison retail, I do intend to close my day-trading account. There go my tens of dollars.)

“I’m for Mitt Romney”? I’m fairly certain that’s the lamest endorsement I’ve ever heard, even lamer than my endorsement of a blind date as “you’re both old, don’t you want to get married before you die?” I mean, Bush’s parents gave like a three-hour endorsement of Romney from their warm inviting living room, treating him like the son they never had. Meanwhile Romney doesn’t seem too grateful for W’s endorsement and is hardly acknowledging it. Bush should have said, “That guy’s such a douchebag,” and let the doors close.

And it’s not as though I look that different from my earliest birthdays when I received creepy smiling beach toys.

While I was away, there was some breaking news. The president announced what I’ve suspected for some time now. He’s gay.

I can’t believe I voted for a gay president. Now I’ll have to seriously reconsider my options. Vote to reelect the first black Muslim homosexual president or vote for the Mormon. Fine. I’ll vote for the black Muslim gay guy. (However it’s tough to argue with Rand Paul’s bold statement that Obama’s stance on gay marriage “couldn’t get any gayer.” OMG! THAT’S SO GAY!) I did, however, manage to write a small piece on Politico on my iPhone in a sandstorm at the beach concerning Obama’s historic turnaround on same-sex marriage:

In case you missed it, immediately following President Obama’s endorsement of gay marriage, traditional marriages across the country began falling apart and lovestruck farm animals started picking out china patterns.

Luckily the House, in all its infantile wisdom, passed a measure reinforcing the Defense of Marriage Act shortly thereafter to show the American people that unlike the president, they will continue to protect straight couples by discriminating against gay couples. You’re welcome.

If conservatives truly wanted to preserve traditional marriage as opposed to squashing the civil rights of committed homosexual couples, they would be addressing real issues that threaten the family structure like adultery and divorce. If they need to hire a consultant, I hear Newt Gingrich is free. Until then, they’ll just have to be content being on the wrong side of history.

I know what you’re thinking. How does she do it? I’m just getting better with age, people. Meanwhile as Obama was being praised by gay rights groups, Mitt Romney was giving the commencement speech at that bastion of civil rights, Liberty University. Of course, evangelicals believe that Mormonism is a cult but apparently they’re willing to overlook that. Because, really, the biggest threat facing this country today is gay couples getting married. Gay people getting married? Dude. You can’t get any gayer than that.

I’m heading up to Virginia for my nephew’s First Communion since we are his godparents and have been guiding him in his faith journey since baptism. Coincidentally I’ll also be there for my birthday which I’m totally looking forward to. Really. I always worried that when I reached the midpoint of my life I would freak out, reflecting on my lack of accomplishments and ongoing series of failures, never learning from the same mistakes I’d made over and over again. But instead I’m embracing this new reality. I’m even thinking of reading The Secret. You know, one of those bullshit books about the meaning of life that people start quoting from to show how wise they are—Your thoughts become things! Remember that your thoughts are the primary cause of everything! Still the idea is somewhat compelling. So whatever I think about really hard will end up happening? That’s how powerful my thoughts are? OK. I want to be five years younger. Thanks Rhonda Byrne!

I’ll let you know if my crow’s feet have mysteriously vanished by morning. Until then, see you all in a week.

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The very first time I met Karen, I always knew she was destined for greatness.

At a prayer breakfast Wednesday morning, Perry said that God has forgiven him for his “oops” moment. Yes, God’s big problem with Perry is that he embarrassed himself on the national stage, not that he hates poor people. That’s so lame. Was Perry even in a confessional? I remember going to confession as a child with the priest behind the screen and nervously telling him that I’d eaten chocolate. My penance was 10,000 Hail Marys and a strict protein diet. If you don’t confess in a confessional, then you haven’t been forgiven. You’re just kidding yourself.

According to Perry’s testimony:

You’ve been given free will but it’s God’s will that we seek every day in our private lives, in our public lives and as a nation. National Day of Prayer is our way of saying that we require God in every facet of our lives, not just in our public lives and certainly not in just our private lives.”

Let’s pray for our president, for his wisdom. I pray that God pierces his heart.

Oh I bet you do.

Romney’s foreign policy and national security spokesman and former Bush staffer Richard “Ric” Grenell has resigned after some conservatives found out he was not only homosexual but also spelled his name in gay form. In a statement the Romney campaign said that they are “disappointed,” that Grenell resigned for “personal reasons,” and that his position will be hard to fill. Please. Why would you want an openly gay man involved in foreign policy? His only plans for Afghanistan would be to redecorate it.

The American Family Association, proud sponsors of The Response, had criticized Romney for hiring Grenell, much like they criticized him back in the 2008 campaign for promoting pay-per-view porn. Despite the fact that the AFA organized a  boycott of Home Depot last year for sponsoring “gay pride events,” Romney publicly touted his endorsement by the sexually confused founder of Home Depot. The worst thing about hiring gays? According to AFA’s leadership, they brought on the Holocaust. (When I heard that one, I stopped ordering the group’s KKK Christmas trees.)

“I want to thank Governor Romney for his belief in me and my abilities and his clear message to me that being openly gay was a non-issue for him and his team,” Grenell said. What’s worse, being openly gay or openly Mormon? Being an openly gay Mormon.

Clearly no one on the Romney campaign consulted Matthew Franck, director of the Center on Religion and the Constitution at the Witherspoon Institute, before hiring Grenell. He cites Grenell’s support for same-sex marriage as his “crusade,” fought with “a kind of unhinged devotion that suggests a man with questionable judgment.” See how he snuck that “unhinged” in there? Gay=Crazy=InternationalHomosexualAgenda=EncouragingWorldGayness=EndTimes
=MeGoingToHeaven=YouBeingLeftBehind.

You won’t even need a foreign relations strategy. It’ll be like Mad Max around here.

The bill was drafted by the Family Action Council of Tennessee, a conservative Christian group, as part of the broader abstinence-only sex education movement. Can’t we take “abstinence-only” a tad further? Like “burn-in-hell-if-you-even-think-about-sex-you-freaky-pervert” education? Go ahead and laugh but over 60 percent of Memphis City high school students have had sex. The other 40 percent are in drama club.

I must say that the whole “gateway” concept doesn’t make much sense to me, like if you smoke pot today you’ll be smoking crack in the gutter tomorrow. Sure, I started with California Coolers, which led to beer, which led to a few missteps in college with jägermeister but as the mature adult that I am now, I stick with wine. No martinis, or gin and tonics, or Everclear grain alcohol. I am what you’d call a “gateway success story.” But then I’m not a high school student in Tennessee. Shudder.

In a clip from the show Williams says, “People will remember where they were when they heard Osama bin Laden was dead.” Are you kidding? I can’t remember last week never mind last year. The assassination took place either Sunday, May 1 or Monday, May 2 depending on if you’re on Middle East or U.S. time. So if we’re talking about the first Sunday of May 2011, I was probably refusing to get out of bed, bemoaning my lost youth, only sitting up when my husband brought me Starbucks. That would go for Monday as well.

However I did look up May 2 last year in my archives, which is usually what I do to gauge my mood swings over the years, and discovered that I hadn’t even realized Osama was dead because I was too busy watching “The Killing.” Apparently who killed Rosie Larson was more important to me than the killing of the number one wanted terrorist.

Here’s my take on whether the Obama campaign’s use of the killing of Bin Laden in its ads will hurt him. As you can see, Politico is still using just one-third of my face in my photo. It’s better that way.

So Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney today despite his campaign’s earlier promise: “As a former U.S. military officer and a proud Aggie, Rick Perry puts a premium on loyalty and therefore today remains a Newt Gingrich backer.” This is what he calls loyalty? Gingrich isn’t formally ending his campaign until next week.

Mitt Romney has earned the Republican Presidential nomination through hard-work, a strong organization, and disciplined message of restoring America after nearly four years of failed job-killing policies from President Obama and his administration. So today I join the many conservative Republicans across the nation in endorsing Mitt Romney for President and pledge to him, my constituents and the Republican Party than I will continue to work hard to help defeat President Obama.

That’s the most generic endorsement I’ve ever heard. He just plugged in Mitt Romney for every [Insert Nominee Here]. That’s how I do wedding toasts.

I’m so honored to be here to celebrate the marriage of [Insert Bride] and [Insert Groom]. I’ve known [Insert Bride] for [XX] years and she’s like a sister to me. Damn it. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I know you will have a long happy life together and as the years go by we’ll probably drift apart because [Insert Groom] is such an incredible asshole. But for tonight, let’s raise our glasses. To the bride and groom!

Disclaimer: I am going to Tickled Pink‘s wedding on Saturday and in no way does this generic toast reflect my feelings toward her or her [groom].

But let’s turn to more pressing matters. Since we last left Cartagena-gate, eight Secret Service agents have lost their jobs, which is good news for all those unemployed agents who have been working at Starbucks to make ends meet. (Please. It’s no coincidence that your neighborhood Starbucks is so safe. Look for the barista in the suit wearing an earpiece.)

Some security officials are now saying that there was “no sexual activity because the men were so drunk that they fell asleep immediately after bringing the women to their rooms.” Seriously? After a few drinks they can’t get it up yet we trust them to protect the president? I did not have sex with that woman. My penis was completely flaccid. It’s not even the sex thing that’s the issue. It’s that these guys PASSED OUT with hookers in their rooms who could very well have been covert double agents in search of classified documents.

“You take a bunch of guys out of the country and have a lot of women showering them with attention, bad things are bound to happen,” one agent said. My bad. I didn’t realize we were talking about Spring Break.

We keep hearing that Obama is struggling with the Catholic vote. According to a recent Pew Center poll, 31 percent of white Catholics describe the administration as “unfriendly” to religion. That’s quite a conundrum given that Catholics consider Mormonism to be one small step above Scientology but still below Kabbalah. When I was growing up our family used to stay at Marriott hotels while on vacation because one of our neighbors was an executive. One time I opened up the drawer to find the Book of Mormon lying there. As I reached to pull it out my parents screamed DON’T TOUCH THAT just before it burst into flames.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has called for two weeks of public protests this summer against what it sees as the war on religion.

The protests are expected to include priests and nuns and thousands of Catholic parishioners. Some activists expect civil disobedience, which could lead to powerful images of priests and nuns being led away in hand restraints.

Do you have any idea how much I’d pay to see that?

The Catholic church is also discussing joining forces with evangelical groups on a more comprehensive media strategy. Apparently we no longer care that evangelicals think we’re going to be Left Behind, along with the Jews. As Catholic activist Larry Cirignano noted, “It’s all about all the religious freedom issues, from putting God into the Pledge of Allegiance to putting ‘In God we trust’ on money.” Wait. People still use cash?

To be honest, I’m much more concerned with the “crackdown on American nuns” by the Vatican, criticizing the Leadership Conference of Women Religious for promoting certain “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith.” The disciplinary action against the nuns comes after a TWO-YEAR INVESTIGATION by Rome. Yes. That’s what the Vatican should be investigating. To be fair they do look pretty threatening. No doubt this nun is indoctrinating these innocent children in radical feminist themes. God’s work, indeed.

I have a lot of memories of France. I think the best memories were with my wife on vacations, from time to time in France. The last vacation we had there, walking around the city of Paris, not just in the Champs-Elysees, but also over to the Jardin of Luxembourg and around the city, as one of the most magnificent cities in the world and I look forward to occasional vacations again in such a beautiful place.

What a snob. First of all, Romney should have refused to answer any question from a dirty Frenchman and had him removed from the premises tout suite. Then he should have said that his favorite place to vacation (please, God, don’t say “summer”) is in Altoona at the old Knickerbocker Tavern, home to the finest “wings and wedges” in the country. (Yes, I just googled that. Which is exactly what Romney’s advisers should be doing instead of letting their candidate wax poetic about Versailles.)

Romney failed to mention the TWO YEARS he spent in France as a Mormon missionary because that would have reminded people that he’s Mormon. I’m not sure which is more offensive to the average Republican voter—being Mormon or liking France. Or using such fancy words as “Jardin” and “magnificent.”

I traveled to France years ago with my husband-to-be, expecting to impress him with my language skills. Unfortunately I hadn’t uttered a word of French since high school so instead my attempts at fitting in were met with looks of disgust. It felt like home.

Although Fenway Park’s theme song “Sweet Caroline” was bastardized by Fever Pitch, it hasn’t dampened my respect for the ballad. When we were growing up the only album my parents listened to more than Neil Diamond was Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. I have fond memories of making up dances at our beach cottage while my parents were on their fifth martini, whispering about what to do with their youngest daughter. I even saw Neil Diamond in concert when I was in college. I’m fairly certain I was alone.

Since Texas has no baseball team of its own that I’m aware of, we should all celebrate the Red Sox today. America’s team.