Texts From Last Night

(508): i told her my name was noah...

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 07:12:02 -0500

(508): i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

(515): Dude a guy just showed up...

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 07:02:02 -0500

(515): Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.

(773): Next time i try to unbutton...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 23:02:02 -0500

(773): Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
(847): No promises.

(314): I'm bakin' bread in my...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:02:01 -0500

(314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
(1-314): What?
(314): I have a yeast infection.

(425): This is not a drunk text...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 19:12:02 -0500

(425): This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

(757): At McDonald's last...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 19:02:01 -0500

(757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

(484): just woke up to overhearing...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 18:02:02 -0500

(484): just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
(610): well i fucked her too, so yes.

(702): When i tried to give you...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:02:02 -0500

(702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
(1-702): I've always been the spiritual type.

(724): I just got a ticket for the...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:12:02 -0500

(724): I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

(678): This frat boy drinking a...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:02:02 -0500

(678): This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

(816): believe me... letting the...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:12:01 -0500

(816): believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

(775): hey I'm just gonna fall...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:02:01 -0500

(775): hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

(816): I don't get why Lindsay...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 11:12:02 -0500

(816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

(717): Using Dr. Seuss quotes to...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 11:02:02 -0500

(717): Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

(480): he just invited me over for...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:12:01 -0500

(480): he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

(612): I just followed a trail of...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:02:02 -0500

(612): I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

(978): i told her that i loved her...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:02:01 -0500

(978): i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

(209): I just remembered before I...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 08:12:02 -0500

(209): I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.

(804): my neighbors are having...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 08:02:02 -0500

(804): my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
(1-804): I'm on my way.

(208): Dude manswers just said...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 06:02:01 -0500

(208): Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
(208): ha well at least you have goals.

(908): i felt horrible..i wanted...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:02:02 -0500

(908): i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
(914): that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

(860): Walk of shame... his...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:02:01 -0500

(860): Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

(479): So... 5th graders can't...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 16:02:01 -0500

(479): So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
(307): Haha. Niice.
(479): Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
(307): both.

(703): I know it may not be...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 15:02:02 -0500

(703): I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

(281): my little brother just told...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:02:01 -0500

(281): my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

(412): I'm glad my gym is open 24...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 11:02:02 -0500

(412): I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar

(407): just skyped with my friend...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 10:22:01 -0500

(407): just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?

(605): I havnt been this mad since...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 10:12:02 -0500

(605): I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident

(248): you lied. pity sex is...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 10:02:02 -0500

(248): you lied. pity sex is amazing.

(309): i can tell by the sound of...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 09:12:01 -0500

(309): i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.

(703): i just heard someone have...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 09:02:02 -0500

(703): i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.

(480): Come see our sink grown...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 08:02:01 -0500

(480): Come see our sink grown plant.

(902): It doesn't matter if he...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 18:02:02 -0500

(902): It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.

(617): theres gunna be a new...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 16:12:01 -0500

(617): theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

(313): We named our saturday...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 16:02:01 -0500

(313): We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.

(207): I think I should become a...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 15:02:02 -0500

(207): I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

(239): I wish Facebook had filters...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 13:22:02 -0500

(239): I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them

(661): Also I just saw on facebook...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 13:12:02 -0500

(661): Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.

(937): Give me one situation where...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 13:02:02 -0500

(937): Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea

(252): woke up to an overdrawn...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 12:32:01 -0500

(252): woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
(816): i hope so.

(704): giving yourself 2 days to...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 12:22:02 -0500

(704): giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
(828): I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.

(812): Did you know even strippers...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 12:12:02 -0500

(812): Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??

(504): there are seriously like...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 12:02:02 -0500

(504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

(732): everyday i am more and more...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 11:32:01 -0500

(732): everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications

(914): Nothing says "This...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 11:22:02 -0500

(914): Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning

(407): I just got fire...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 11:12:02 -0500

(407): I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

(205): So thanks to the xanax and...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 11:02:02 -0500

(205): So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls

(760): It was one time. Now I have...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 10:12:02 -0500

(760): It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

(209): she met some random, took...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 10:02:01 -0500

(209): she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

(720): ok watching intervention on...

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 09:12:01 -0500

(720): ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.