Texts From Last Night

(703): The cop refused to sing...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 15:12:03 -0400

(703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

(908): Eating Doritos is not...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 15:02:03 -0400

(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

(865): I really need to find...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 14:02:03 -0400

(865): I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth.

(501): Thanks for telling my...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 13:42:03 -0400

(501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

(304): it never fails, everytime...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 13:32:02 -0400

(304): it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

(512): apparently breaking a beer...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 13:22:03 -0400

(512): apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.

(202): just got off the metro to...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 13:12:03 -0400

(202): just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
(917): really making moves this morning i see.

(206): I just inadvertently...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 13:02:04 -0400

(206): I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
(1-206): You are nothing if not reliable.

(352): I woke up with my left arm...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 12:02:02 -0400

(352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
(352): Just realized these events may be related.

(918): My coke dealer called me at...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 11:32:03 -0400

(918): My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

(609): just caught a 10 year old...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 11:22:03 -0400

(609): just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

(905): It was mandatory to shotgun...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 11:12:03 -0400

(905): It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner.

(207): you got thrown out for...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 11:02:01 -0400

(207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand.

(503): Just once id like to sleep...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 10:32:02 -0400

(503): Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on.

(708): Mom just apologized for her...

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 10:22:03 -0400

(708): Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.