HELLO, my name is Blog!

Everything collapses and he lives with an alarming happiness

2020-08-03T04:16:00.003-07:00

James tells us in the scriptures:

We are merely a vapor like a puff of smoke a wisp of steam from a cooking pot, which is visible for a little while and then vanishes into thin air.

As such, why squander what time we do have being miserable? Life is about optimizing for joy, not climbing a ladder.

Our goal is to take full advantage of, rearrange our life for, and modify our experience around, that which makes us feel more alive. Without justification, without shame, without permission and without regret.

Allow me to list a few of my personal favorites.

Laughing out loud at cheesy jokes until my face hurts.

Taking pictures of reflective puddles on the street that most people ignore.

Singing karaoke at the top of my lungs on the commute to work.

Watching a movie and taking furious notes on the best lines in the script.

Keeping a running list of ridiculous names of rock bands that will never exist.

Ordering anything on the menu that has the word diablo in the title.

Making whimsical purposeless art that gets trashed immediately.

Stopping my workday to watch a music video that makes me weep.

Indeed, true happiness often comes in small grains. Keep pulling your triggers for joy, as my therapist would say. Keep building a fulfilling life on the foundation of our true nature. Engage in the activities that are uniquely appealing to you.

What if you stopped living life out of a sense of obligation and start optimizing for joy instead?

It may sound overly mathematical, but approaching fulfillment quantitatively is quite helpful. It's a formula. We can literally train ourselves to spend as little time as possible on things we didn’t care about, that way we no longer have to feel guilty about spending time on the things that we do care about.

The hard part is the permission. Being able to announce to ourselves, fuck it, it brings me joy.

Not to mention the trust. Knowing that our happiness is the best gift we can give the world.

But once we solve that equation, define joy for ourselves and seek it in our own way, life becomes a whole lot lighter.

In weight and in spirit.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Are you the kind of person who always seems to wrest joy out of the most unfortunate circumstances?

Tonight the final curtain drops upon my short life’s precious play

2020-08-02T06:06:00.003-07:00

If you’re not even around when people discuss your legacy, then what's all the fuss about?

Perhaps it’s time to call legacy for what it really is. Yet another denial of death.

People torture themselves day after day trying to create notch after notch in their precious little legacy belt, because they’re afraid of not being remembered when they’re gone. It’s the specter of insignificance. Our complete inability to confront the impermanence of all life.

And ironically, it’s making millions of us miss out on the very life we’re so desperately trying to preserve.

We’re so focused on leaving a legacy after we die, that we’re forgetting to live our lives while we’re still here. Our ego is so obsessed with posthumous recognition, that we’re forgetting to access the miracle that is this glorious moment.

Becker famously wrote in his award winning book that all humans use their ideas for the defense of their existence and to frighten away reality. They don’t want to admit to themselves that their life may be arbitrary, and their own way of existence may be just as fundamentally contrived as any other.

Eagleman has a related philosophy, which suggests there are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.

Therefore, our thought experiment is as follows.

What if there were no such thing as legacy? What if all we had was now? How might that change our daily life?

Eisenhower, through various wars and battles, famously carried around the following poem in his pocket about an indispensable man:

Sometime, when you’re feeling important, sometime, when your ego’s in bloom.

Sometime, when you take it for granted, you’re the best qualified man in the room.

Sometime, when you feel that your going, would leave an unfillable hole.

Just follow this simple instruction, and see how it humbles the soul.

Take a bucket and fill it with water, put your hand in it up to the wrist.

Pull it out, and the hole that’s remaining is a measure of how you’ll be missed.

You may splash all you please when you enter, you can stir up the water galore.

But stop and you’ll find in a minute, it looks quite the same as before.

Don’t think of this as the practice of nihilism, the trance of unworthiness or the cynical rejection of meaning.

Think of it as an invitation to liberation. A skeleton key to unlock extraordinary untapped aliveness waiting for you when you no longer have to worry about what lives on beyond you.

Follow this simple instruction, see how it humbles the soul.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Does your obsession with legacy improve your life, or distract you from living it?

The knight of abstinence is not the hero people worship and honor

2020-08-01T06:32:00.003-07:00

Rubin’s book about being happier at home clarifies a crucial distinction between two personalities. Both have different answers to the following question.

How do you deal with managing a strong temptation?

Her research found that for some people, occasional indulgence heightens their pleasure and strengthens their resolve. They get panicky and rebellious at the thought of never getting or doing something. These people are called moderators.

But the other camp of people are the ones who do better when they avoid absolutes and strict rules. Because they have trouble stopping something once they’ve started. For them, it’s much easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. These people are called abstainers.

Which category do you fall into?

Personally, abstinence has always been my thing. Not necessarily by choice, it’s just how my brain is wired. Having just one just isn’t possible. Moderation simply doesn’t work for me.

Unfortunately, most of the world doesn’t accept this approach to life. Mainly because we live in a culture that fetishizes moderation, shames monotony, celebrates cheat days, rewards temptation, scoffs at rigidity and insists on indulgence being a healthy and necessary part of a fulfilling life.

Is it any surprise how quickly people become judgmental, insecure and disapproving around abstainers?

The knight of abstinence is not the hero people worship and honor.

My favorite is when moderators explain to abstainers how it’s not healthy to take such a severe approach and they should lighten up and live a little.

Thanks for the advice, but allow me to briefly explain how my brain works.

By abstaining, you don’t have to spend a lot of precious energy justifying why you should go ahead and indulge.

By abstaining, you accept your abnormality instead of trying to become a normal binger like everyone else.

By abstaining, you respect your lack of desire and capacity for moderation.

By abstaining, you take yourself out of the victim position in regard to substances around which you can’t control yourself.

By abstaining, you draw an airtight boundary that guarantees your continued sanity and freedom.

By abstaining, you experience complete relief from the craving you once tried to satisfy through compulsive restricting.

By abstaining, you no longer have a thing to rebel against and can declare yourself free from that thing that used to control you.

By abstaining, you are no longer constrained by numbers, you are liberated by zero.

It’s just easier for me. Abstinence requires no additional thinking on my part.

Now, that may sound sad and boring to you, but it’s pure freedom for me. It’s a privilege. Abstinence is built on the foundation of my true nature, and it is a gift to be cared for and strengthened.

And now if you’ll excuse me, there’s an entire box of chocolate cereal with my name on it.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

How do you deal with managing a strong temptation?

My love will wear you down eventually

2020-07-31T08:13:00.003-07:00

Carlin used to do this classic comedy bit about converting to a solar religion.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells you you're unworthy. Doesn't tell you that you're a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats you fine.

George depicts the perfect model for our interpersonal relationships.

Especially when the people we love are suffering. You know they’re hurting and it cuts you into a thousand pieces. You know their brain is not in a place where they can learn. And in that moment, what they need more than anything is for us to be like the sun.

Meaning, don't do anything to solve the problem. Just be the solution. Offer warmth and presence and love. Trust that they'll get the insight they need if you just love them through this chapter of their lives.

And trust that they will make it out alive, as long as you keep reminding them who they are along the way. It’s about all you can do.

You have to resist the urge approach them from a place of fixing or consulting. Otherwise everything you say will just pass through them like a breeze.

Yes, it’s painful to accept the powerlessness that love brings us. But lest we forget, this is the cost of love. It’s what our heart and soul signed up for when we decided to take the plunge.

Be like the sun. As the great poet once wrote, let there be light, and let it begin with me.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Are you trying to take the journey for someone?

The dangerous conceit of putting our faith in our own hands

2020-07-29T04:51:00.001-07:00

Kidman, in her stellar performance in the award winning racing movie, makes the following speech to her driver and then husband.

I'm going to let you in on a secret that most other people know. Control is an illusion. Nobody knows what's going to happen next. Not on a freeway, and certainly not on a racetrack with other infantile egomaniacs. Nobody controls anything. You've had a glimpse of that, and you're scared.

And who wouldn’t be, right? All human beings are control freaks. Forget about opioids, that’s our country’s most prominent addiction.

But the good news is, just because control is an illusion doesn’t mean that we are victims. We may live in this dizzying and uncertain world, but we are not impotent in the face of it.

If we are willing to confront the dangerous conceit of putting our faith in our own hands, then we have a real shot and becoming empowered and fulfilled human beings.

Citrin’s research on resilience comes to mind. He found that most people misperceive and underestimate their ability to deal with such perceived lack of control and, consequently, it’s their thinking that needs to change.

Running with that, here is a collection of absurd questions to assess your own relationship with the drug of control.

Do you believe this world is truly yours for the enjoying, or do you see it as wearying burden that pins you down with obligations?

When things go awry, do you take control of the process, or sit back and hope it gets better?

Can you acknowledge that you actually have a role in your future, or are you submitting under the unseeing eye of some blind idiot god that you inherited as a child?

All nihilism aside, empowerment, which is the ability to make decisions that influence the outcomes of our work, is our best shot at responding to our lack of control in this world.

Because no matter how chaotic things get, each of us can grow to love the empowerment that accompanies being responsible for all our actions.

The simple awareness that we can stop sitting on our hands and start getting them dirty to improve our condition, it really does make a difference.

Bonhoeffer summarizes it beautifully in his book of sermons:

Having peace means having a home amid the restlessness of the world, having solid ground beneath one's feet, and though the waves foam and rage ever so wildly, they can no longer rob me of my peace.

Control may be an illusion, but empowerment isn’t.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What one very small change could profoundly influence how your life unfolds daily?

Bulldoze this perfectionist slum castle in the sky down to the ground of reality

2020-07-28T04:39:00.000-07:00

Our feelings are not right or wrong, good or evil, positive or negative, legal or illegal.

They simply are.

There is need to rank and judge them, or even beat ourselves up for having them. Just because a rush of furious anger, unexpected morbidity or unexplainable joy runs through our veins, doesn’t mean the feelings police are going to bang down the door drag us to the station.

And let’s not pretend those feelings aren’t there, either. When we deny that we feel something, it blocks our ability to deal with and move through that something.

On the other hand, when we notice and name our feelings, try to see them more clearly, and if possible, understand why they might be part of our current reality, then we can develop a very real sense of emotional efficacy.

Besides, it’s not like there has ever been a feeling that didn't eventually go away. Emotions are weather patterns. Why not improve our meteorology skills in the meantime?

The important word here is reality. Let’s go back to that for a moment.

Somov writes in his inspiring book about perfectionism:

Reality is ever renewing, progressing from one state of completion to another, with or without us. Like a wheel, keeps turning, renewing itself in its entirety with every spin. And the best part is, we are not responsible for reality, reality is responsible for itself.

Isn’t that liberating? How wonderfully comforting to know that whatever feeling we are feeling, that particular slice of reality is beyond improvement. Thank god.

Reminds ME of a super helpful question to ask ourselves whenever that emotional rush comes in. What does this feeling want from me?

Let’s start living that question today, we might live our way into the answer tomorrow.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Are your feelings being judged and condemned, or experienced and expressed?

Avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks

2020-07-27T03:50:00.000-07:00

Every television network has a department of standards and practices.

They're responsible for the moral, ethical and legal implications of any program that the network airs. They're the people who send out tens of thousands of hilarious puritanical memos like this.

Presenters please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic.

This makes total sense from an advertising standpoint. The museum of broadcast communications writes that since the thirties, networks have needed to protect their public image as responsible institutions that offer sources of reliable information and satisfying entertainment for the entire family.

They are the guardians of taste and decency. No buttock cracks allowed.

But human beings are not corporations. We have no choice but to be our own department of standards and practices. It can't be outsourced or automated. The onus is on us to maintain our own sense of efficacy.

Especially during our most stressful times.

We certainly ask for help and solicit feedback from those we trust most, but at the end of the day, only we can make that call.

Weiss writes in his enlightening book about thriving that true resilience doesn't require the validation of others. It means you are capable when necessary of working independently and listening only to your own judgment, without needing to validate against anyone else's expectations, and without needing the support or input of others to sustain themselves.

In short, you are your own departments of standards and practices.

It's a much freer and more satisfying way to live. Making decisions by committee might work for billion dollar institutions, but for actual people, there's only one signature we need to keep moving our story forward.

Remember, there is always plenty of time to listen to your own voice.

If you want to show your butt crack on camera, then you go ahead and do it.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What action could you take that would be a signal to your own spirit that your life is being lived well?

Put this dream out of circulation

2020-07-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

All of us have obsolete things in our lives.

Maybe a dream that once brought us joy, but now has fulfilled its purpose.

Maybe an item that we made a special effort to acquire, but we no longer use.

Maybe a career we wanted when we were different people with different needs, but no longer applies.

Or maybe a relationship that was meaningful at a previous life stage, but has now outlived its usefulness.

There's no shame in any of these things. People evolve. Preferences change. Life spirals on.

Where we get in trouble with ourselves is when we refuse to let go. When we waste an inordinate amount of time thinking about what no longer is. And when we're unwilling to cut new channels in the terrain of self, uprooting strands that no longer serve us.

We can't help but suffer in these moments. And unless we let the past die, we will never become what we were meant to be.

My coach used to challenge me on this. He would often ask:

Do you want a life of obligation, or a life of desire?

Not an easy question to answer. Because if we want to choose the latter, we have to yank ourselves out of the ever tightening noose of consistency.

And it's sad and scary to part with these obsolete things.

It's like throwing away old clothes from our closet. We know we haven't worn that ridiculous red shirt in four years, but it just feels so comforting and nostalgic to have it hanging there.

Yet another sign that letting go might be in order.

People evolve. Preferences change. Life spirals on.

To grow, each of us must be willing to shed or undo elements of ourselves that no longer have a future.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What obsolete things are trapping you?

Moving on to more cheerful problems

2020-07-25T05:22:00.002-07:00

Sanders, the hall of fame running back, spent ten years playing pro football.

He earned dozens of rushing and touchdown records.

But at the ripe age of thirty, taking time to sort through his feelings and make sure that they were backed with conviction, the fastest guy in the league decided to walk away.

He took one good look in the mirror and said, it’s time for me to go.

In his farewell speech he spelled it out beautifully:

It was a wonderful experience to play in the league, and I have no regrets. I consider the players, coaches, staff, management and fans my family. I leave on good terms with everyone in the organization. But my desire to exit the game is greater than my desire to remain in it. I have searched my heart through and through and feel comfortable with this decision.

Simple mathematics.

Naturally, broadcasters, critics and fans wondered about what he could have done as a player if he spent the next ten years of his career with a lot of talent around him. Barry might have been greatest of all time, they predicted.

But the guy didn’t care. People’s expectations were their problem.

He was done. Going out on top. Leaving in a blaze of glory.

His story is an inspiring reminder that if our heart is not in something anymore, it’s okay to leave. If we can achieve greater fulfillment by moving onto something else, it’s okay to walk away.

It’s not quitting, settling, giving up, wimping out, cashing in, or whatever other disapproving word our macho culture uses to demonize the pathetic losers who quit.

This is about evolving. Moving forward. Outgrowing our origins. Living lager than our labels. Choosing to live a new story.

There could not possibly be less shame in something like that.

Adams, the most widely syndicated cartoonist in history, wrote that the most important skill in success is knowing how and when to switch to a game with better odds for you.

If your desire to exit has finally become greater than your desire to stay in the game, if the hunger has been flushed out of your system, peace the fuck out.

Let go and explore other avenues of life.

You’re not quitting, you’re allowing to find it where it lives for you.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What game might have better odds for you?

We need a bank who takes joy as collateral

2020-07-24T04:04:00.000-07:00

Fromm writes:

As long as anyone believes that his ideal and purpose is outside him, that it is above the clouds, in the past or in the future, he will go outside himself and seek fulfillment where it cannot be found. He will look for solutions and answers at every point except where they can be found, in himself.

Proving, that meaning is made and not found. Joy is our responsibility, nobody is going to give it to us. We are the source of it, it's not something that's out there for us to acquire.

Ask yourself this. How do you approach mundane and meaningless work? Do you avoid it completely, do it begrudgingly, or layer joy on top intentionally?

Motivation assessments suggest that people who approach it from the latter have a strong platform of emotional autonomy from which to develop their leadership capacity. Guided by their own set of rules and not affected by external forces, their internal local of control becomes the emotional anchorage that helps them remain firm, stable and focused in adverse or empty situations.

The good news is, this doesn’t require labor, merely bravery.

Joy, according the existentialists, is the emotional expression of the courageous yes to one's own true being. It is the affirmation of that essential being in spite of desires and anxieties creates it.

Which means we can always do things that remind us who we are, that make us feel like ourselves, no matter what situation we are in. We can always take agency when doing uninteresting work and produce our own motivation. And all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be float away.

Barnum, the greatest showman and founder of the circus was once asked by a journalist, does it bother you that everything you're selling is fake? To which he replied:

Do these smiles seem fake? It doesn't matter where they come from. The joy is real.

We all do what we have to do to survive.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Do you give yourself permission to immerse in personal pleasures and private interests whenever you like?

You're only as good as, wait, whose opinion?

2020-07-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

Rogers, the great humanistic psychologist, pioneered the concept of unconditional positive regard.

It's the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what they say or do.

Although this theory originally developed within the context of client centered therapy, the intrapersonal applications are just as important.

Because in the deeply complicated relationship with ourselves, we can achieve unconditional positive regard as well. We can love ourselves anyway.

Ellis, the peer and worthy successor of the aforementioned psychologist, summarized it beautifully in his book about rational emotive behavioral therapy:

The need to impress others and to win their approval, and thereby view yourself as a good person, leads to an obsession that tends to preempt a large part of your life. You're seeking status instead of seeking joy. Instead, rate yourself as good merely because you are alive. That kind of egoism will get you into very little trouble.

The question, then, is how much do you trust yourself? How much belief in your own efficacy do you really have? Especially when things aren't going as well as you'd hoped?

See if any of the following examples apply to your life.

You trust that you are valuable even when you aren't valued.

You trust that you are a good person who is worthy of joy.

You trust that your own best is enough for you, even if it's not enough for others.

You trust that you are loved and respected in spite of your lack of achievement.

You trust that you are a worthwhile person even when behaving incompetently.

You trust that you tried your best in the moment even if the amount of effort you offered didn't produce the outcome you had in mind.

That's a complete picture of true unconditional positive regard for ourselves, and it's difficult to paint. Because most of us use such situations to make global ratings of ourselves as individuals.

We based this score solely on our approval and performance, rather than joy and aliveness.

The good news is, trust is a muscle we can train. We can learn to talk to ourselves in a way that a therapist would talk to their patients.

With love towards, forgiveness for, and acceptance of our humanity.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What if you equate your sense of worth not with the outcome, but with your effort?

Forgiving yourself for being what you are

2020-07-22T04:37:00.000-07:00

Are you about to embark on one of those soul searching quests?

Perhaps setting off down a long spiritual path to find yourself?

If so, here is my benediction for you.

May you find what you’re looking for, but may you still love yourself if you don’t.

Because despite your noblest intentions, there are no guarantees of enlightenment. Just like there are no inoculations from hell. That’s where the love part comes is.

If you decide to take three months off from work traveling around the country, taking pictures of coffee stains, looking for a sign from the universe, it doesn’t mean you’ve earned the right to come out on the other side a reborn soul.

Transformation cannot be forced. It takes a long time. Thousands of hours of evolving and surrendering and accruing experience and education. And along the way, if you’re not willing to forgive reality for being what it is, and if you're not willing to forgive yourself for being what you are, then you will come out the other side caked with resentment.

Personally, my transition from being an entrepreneur to becoming an employee took four years just find out who was full of shit. Most notably, myself. Then another few years to actually get good at it.

Look, all people do is change anyway. It’s not like this hallowed self we’re looking for is going to stay the same.

Harvard’s history department did some research on this. Puett explains it as follows:

There is no true self, and no self you can discover in the abstract by looking within. Such a self would be little more than a snapshot of you at that particular moment in time. We are messy and multifaceted selves who are going through life bumping up against other messy, multifaceted selves. Who we are at any given moment develops through our constantly shifting interactions with other people.

Isn’t it liberating to realize that the self and the world in which it exists is chaotic and imperfect?

This insight is helpful to remember before selling all our belongings and hitting the road.

Maybe there's nothing to find.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

How long should you look for something when you don't know what you're looking for?

With small flags waving and tinny blasts on tiny trumpets

2020-07-21T04:33:00.001-07:00

We have met the enemy and he is us.

Adopted from an old wartime slogan, this message was famously used on a poster designed to help publicize the first observance of earth day. The goal was to help spread the message of environmental stewardship around the world, and it worked.

Kelly, the cartoonist who died shortly after the posters were printed, offers context around his slogan:

There is no need to sally forth, for it remains true that those things which make us human are, curiously enough, always close at hand. Resolve then, that on this very ground, with small flags waving and tinny blasts on tiny trumpets, we shall meet the enemy, and not only may he be ours, he may be us. Forward!

Turns out, he was not only preaching the preservation of our beautiful planet, but also the stewarding of the landscape within. Nurturing the relationship we have with ourselves.

Because so many of us get in our own way. We become the saboteur and source of resistance in our own lives. There are endless examples.

Maybe you're addicted to a dysfunctional story about relationships, resulting in you feeling lonely.

Maybe you find a perverse satisfaction in indulging in doubt about your own creative talents, resulting in you procrastinating.

Maybe you're more comfortable in your familiar state of misery, resulting in your inability to move onto the next chapter of your life.

Maybe you sabotage your own good habits by making excuses not to do them, resulting in poor health.

Whatever that thing is, you have met the enemy, and he is you.

Now, although there are as many examples as there are people to personify them, there is one commonality.

Lack of trust.

That’s typically how people get in their own way.

If you are burdened by ricocheting doubts, switch your brain to this.

Rush to affirm rather than dismiss your chances for success. Point yourself in the direction of possibility rather than failure. Show some compassion to your inner landscape rather than depriving it of the fuel it needs to flourish.

And when the nagging clouds of doubt continue to rain on your religious parade, accept that you’re readier than you think you are.

Everything you need is already inside of you.

Who you already are is enough to get what you want.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

How could you create a version of yourself that you have no reason to doubt?

Most people can get used to anything if you do it long enough

2020-07-18T06:30:00.002-07:00

Hawk, the greatest skateboarder in history, gives the following advice to entrepreneurs:

Take pride in what you do, even if it is scorned and misunderstood by the public at large.

That's been one of the great frustrations of wearing a nametag every day. Some people just don't get it. They may never get it. And although it's not worth burning any calories to justify my idea, here goes nothing.

Wearing a nametag all the time is not ironic and sarcastic, it’s literal and earnest.

Scott is my real name, and the goal is to use that piece of information to meet people.

It’s not trying to be cool or funny, it’s sincere and useful.

Even if people are suspicious about my motives when they first meet me, over time, the nametag usually grows on them.

Because it's one less thing to remember.

Besides, most people can get used to anything if you do it long enough.

Next, from a psychological standpoint, the nametag is not a prop for me to hide behind, it’s a pure and vulnerable expression of my true self.

Reminds me of support group I once joined. At my first meeting, two of the members insisted that I took the nametag off during our weekly get togethers. They said it was a disruption to the integrity of the container of the group.

Christ, get over yourselves. It's just a sticker.

Here's another misunderstanding.

Wearing a nametag is not a plot or a street hustle, it's a way for me to give myself away.

This one surfaced once I started living in a big city. People see me wear a nametag at a party or a bar or even walking down the street, and they immediately contract into a defensive posture.

You're wearing a nametag? Wait a minute, what's your angle? What are you trying to sell me?

Dude. Nothing. Relax. It's a sticker.

And lastly, it's not some grandiose piece of performance art or political statement, it’s a tool for provoking joy.

It's always entertaining when people give me way too much credit. They assume far too complicated of a strategy behind this quirky social experiment.

It's simple. Nametags are fun. They make people friendlier. They make life more interesting.

Isn't that enough of a reason to wear one every day?

The good news is, after twenty years of walking around with this sticker on my shirt, I no longer feel hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me.

Definitely annoyed. But that's the price you pay when you stick yourself out there.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What have you done long enough for most people to get used to?

We hypnotize ourselves with these small things

2020-07-16T04:53:00.001-07:00

Here’s an interview question that’s never been asked before.

Tell me something you don’t have an opinion on.

Share an issue or concept that takes up minimal if any space on your personal hard drive. Something that’s neither here nor there for you.

This is not an easy task for most of us. In a world where people seem to have nothing better to do with their time than constantly excrete opinions on every goddamn trivial issues, the prospect of saying nothing about anything is terrifying.

Let me get this straight. You mean the entire planet doesn’t have to know my view on every chickenshit issue? You mean throwing my two cents into the political mix isn’t needed to tip the scales towards a sweeping cultural overhaul? You mean harassing as many strangers as possible with my spiteful tirades about the new iphone isn’t useful?

That’s a relief. Participation is not mandatory. You don't have to have an opinion if you don't want to. You officially have permission to rest your tired brain.

Besides, nobody even listens to anybody anymore anyway.

Even if you did have an opinion, it wouldn’t be noticed, much less, heard, much less understood, much less agreed with.

Society has evolved into one gigantic transcontinental monologue, and the species most in danger of going extinct is a little creature called empathy.

And so, imagine being the only person in the room who actually had nothing to say. The only person happy not to have an opinion on everything anymore.

It’s sublime treat.

Remember, the heart has limits. Can't care about everything. There are only a finite number of things that can fit into our emotional and intellectual bandwidth.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

How does your life change when you no longer have to do that?

Throws you back into trying to fix the world

2020-07-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

Being a perfectionist is more than merely striving for technical flawlessness.

It can also manifest in the form of aggressive idealism and naive enthusiasm.

Ellis cites this brand of perfection as one of our core irrational beliefs. He writes:

We convince ourselves that precise and correct solutions exist for every world problem, and we must find them immediately. But that attitude only ties us up further into knots of indecision. Perfection becomes a fairytale, an unreasonable demand we place on the world. Compulsively obligating ourselves to it, that typically leads to stagnation and frustration.

Now, that doesn’t make us bad people for wanting to save the world. The ache to come together to conceive of a solution that unfucks all this mess, that’s a universal human craving.

But when things aren't working the way we expected to, our natural inclination is to throw more at the problem. And that doesn’t always work.

Maybe it’s an experience to be savored, not a problem to be solved.

Maybe the pressure to find a solution is going to be unbearable and isn’t worth the cost.

Maybe letting go of perfection doesn't reduce our commitment to doing the best we can.

Welshons writes in his book of prayers that the most healing solution to any problem is more love. Which is hard for many of us to stomach, since love is perhaps the most imperfect thing in the universe. But wishing to speed up the healing process is not the best use of our time.

Remember, nothing is perfect, final or fixed in this material world.

And striving for that is both unattainable and unnecessary.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What if there is nothing wrong with the pain that you were experiencing?

Rarely do we find truth at the extremes

2020-07-13T04:05:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever used one of those rickety old hair dryers, ceiling fans, hand mixers or air conditionings, it sometimes seems like they only have two settings.

Standing still and going full blast.

Which is somewhat annoying but perfectly acceptable for a household appliance. We don’t expect a ton of grey areas with that stuff.

But when it comes to the human being, having only two modes is potentially hazardous to our health.

Because if our only ways of existing in the world are standing still or going full blast, we’re in trouble. It’s not sustainable or healthy. Anything taken to the extreme can be a detriment.

Have you ever had a coworker or boss who came into work every day either completely exhausted or silently withdrawn? Perhaps you’ve been that person yourself. It certainly applies to my workaholic tendencies. And it’s not a pretty picture.

When the only two choices are standing still or going full blast, burnout is not far behind.

What we need is a dimmer switch. An internal device to gradually lower the brightness and intensity of our light output, depending on the circumstance.

That way, we don’t have to blast every single watt at all times. We can take back control of our energy and slide the switch up or down as needed.

Interestingly enough, dimmers have been around since the late eighteen hundreds. And recent studies show that they’ve been scientifically proven to reduce a home’s electric use up to forty percent over time, and even make your light bulbs last twenty times longer.

If that doesn’t illuminate a truth about healthy energy management, perhaps you need your vision checked.

Remember, rarely do we find truth at the extremes.

Embrace the grey and see what kind of voltage exists in the middle.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What extreme is causing a detriment to yourself?

Mobilizing ourselves to survive in a hostile world

2020-07-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

Ellis writes in his book on reacting to antagonists:

People and things do not actually push our buttons. We push our own buttons. And we can learn not to push them. But before we do so, we accept that people are not actually driving us crazy, rather, we are driving ourselves crazy when they do it. And only when we take extreme ownership of our own reactions can we maintain inner calm and mobilize ourselves to survive in a hostile world.

Think back to your first job in a real office with real people. Remember how enraged you used to get when confronted with some obnoxious stimuli? Maybe it was your coworker who chewed like a mule, or your dopey boss who had the jimmy legs, or the upstairs neighbor who blasted dance music first thing all morning.

Probably made you want to strangle somebody with a cell phone cord, right?

And yet, the harder you tried to make it go away, the cleverer people would get in their response.

Proving, that while we can’t control what other people do, we can control what we think about what they do.

We can forgive them for being human. We can remind ourselves that we’re no picnic ourselves. We can accept a baseline amount of ordinary misery as part and parcel of daily life.

And in most cases, we can simply rise above and forget about it.

We don’t have to like it, we just have to ignore it.

Besides, why use other people’s little imperfections as creative inspiration for our own rage? Why grant others the satisfaction of negatively impacting our good mood?

There’s no need to have an antagonistic relationship with their behavior.

Bonhoeffer’s immortal words come to mind:

And though the waves foam and rage ever so wildly, they can no longer rob me of my peace.

Whatever you’re thinking to yourself in this situation to get so upset, accept that you might be pushing your own buttons. And stop.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Will you live a vigorous life and not be a casualty of your own efforts?

Short cutting people’s human instinct

2020-07-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

My friend once introduced me to one of her coworkers.

When the she learned about my daily practice of wearing a nametag, her immediate response was this:

Aren’t you afraid of getting kidnapped?

Now there’s a strange thing to say to someone. Guess it never really occurred to me.

But now that she mentions it, wearing a nametag every day could be potentially dangerous. In fact, multiple publications and organizations have been issuing official warnings about nametags for decades.

Kidnappers know if they use a victim’s name, it makes them appear more trustworthy. The nametag acts as a point of entrance for someone who tries to con them. Which can increase the risk of crime and assault in the form of someone who pretends to already know you, taking advantage of your trust.

Safety researchers call it the name lure.

Bundy, one of the most famous serial killers in history, was well known for using this tactic. Using someone’s name put his victims at ease and gave the predator a chance to be engaging and soften his words. And because it happened in a second, he could short circuit people’s human instinct.

All he needed was a second, then grabbed them, and boom.

But that was back in the seventies.

Certainly, we have learned our lesson when it comes to the potential danger of wearing nametags, right?

Maybe not. Think about the well intentioned parents who label school items with their children’s name. All a kidnapper has to do is check the potential victim’s jacket or lunchbox, and they have the perfect way to lure the child into conversation.

Or what about the businessperson attending a conference in a foreign city. She goes out to lunch one day and is approached by a local man. He greets her by name, explains that he is from the hotel where she is staying, and will look after her. Then he takes her to meet friends at another hotel and buys her a drink. And when she wakes in the morning, she realizes that she’s been assaulted and robbed. Still wearing her conference nametag.

Are these stories urban legends? Creepy campfire tales? Or legitimate warnings?

Maybe all of the above. The guide to preventing kidnapping and abduction puts it best:

Just because someone knows your name, doesn’t mean that person should be trusted.

Which brings us back to the original question.

Aren’t you afraid of getting kidnapped?

Well shit, now I am.

In twenty years, there have definitely been a handful encounters where my safety felt jeopardized. Trust me, there are some places you just don’t want to be wearing a nametag.

But overall, not really.

Perhaps there is a bigger question worth asking.

What's worse, thinking you're being paranoid, or knowing you should be?

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Has anyone ever used the name lure on you?

When did this record store become a fascist regime?

2020-07-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

Opinions are no longer a dime a dozen.

Thanks to the amplification of tribal behavior through modern technology, opinions now cost much more than a dime. Hell, we can’t even afford to have them anymore. The social cost is simply too high.

Particularly if our opinions are unpopular and controversial. Anything we say can and will be used against us. Even the very act of expressing my opinion about the inability to express an opinion is probably not an acceptable opinion, in somebody’s eyes.

Reminds me of a memorable scene from my favorite music movie.

You tell me right now, what’s wrong with The Righteous Brothers?

Nothing, I just prefer the other band.

Bullshit!

How can it be bullshit to state a preference? When did this record store become a fascist regime?

This moment is perfectly illustrative of modern culture. Our tolerance of, respect for and comfort with other each other’s preferences has vanished.

Now our culture favorite pastime is judging each other’s taste like a math problem. It’s either good or bad, right or wrong, smart or stupid. Because of this, people are shamed and shrunk into silence.

Fearing the repercussions of uttering a single honest opinion, we acquiesce and add our support to the accepted consensus.

Fearing the rejection from the herd and being cast to the bowels of hell, we only feel comfortable voicing a single homogeneous opinion.

Fearing the social backlash and public lambasting, our deeply felt opinions become regrettable gaffes and nothing more.

The old joke was, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, as long as it agrees with mine.

But there’s nothing funny about that anymore. And the saddest part is, our declaration of universal human rights explains that everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression, and this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference.

Guess that only applies when people have the right opinions.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

What do you want to create in the world, regardless of public opinion?

Woe unto them who act contrary to this spirit

2020-07-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

Here’s the best part about the ocean.

When you get into the water, you can’t make anything happen. All you can do is adjust to what the ocean is already doing.

That’s what happens when you’re at the mercy of a force much larger than your fragile little bag of bones. Humility is instilled into you, whether you like it or not.

Hamilton, the pioneer of big wave surfing, said it best:

Anyone not humbled by the power of the ocean should take a good, long look at a fifty foot wave. If you don't have respect for a wave, it's only a matter of time before the ocean teaches you to get some. We're all equal before the wave.

The ocean, of course, is a metaphor for something much bigger and abstract. Call it nature, god, the universe, higher power, metaphysics, the cosmos, whatever.

Woe unto those of us who act contrary to its spirit.

No matter how big and strong and clever we think we are, we’re all just stepping into the ocean, waiting for the wave to humble us. The word current says it all. It derives from the word corant, which means the flow of electrical force.

But it also means belonging to the present time. Right now. The place where we can’t make anything happen. Where there’s nothing to change or improve upon.

We show up, surrender to what the water is already doing, hang on to our boards and enjoy the ride.

Koontz summarized it best in his definition of the human condition:

Survival and sanity depends upon our embracing pain rather than resisting it or dreaming of escape.

Take a chance and dance with the current.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Do you struggle to make progress against the resisting mass of the entire sea?

Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts

2020-07-05T07:22:00.001-07:00

Autonomy, or the ability to make choices according to our own free will, is a core psychological need.

We all want to be the author of our own script. We all want to freely choose things in our life without being overly controlled. Research even shows that there is a direct relationship between job autonomy and greater work satisfaction.

But careful what you wish for. Once we find ourselves in an environment with minimal structure and zero micromanagement, entrusted with astonishing levels of autonomy and responsibility, it can be quite disorienting and intimidating.

After all, most people are accustomed to having an explicit job description and a boss supervising our work. And so, in the absence of micromanagement, we can feel paralysis rather than liberation. Trapped under the weight of ambiguity and chaos.

It's one of the reasons former entrepreneurs often make effective startup employees. Because freedom is their home vibration. It's their baseline operating mode. Having run their own business, they already know how to manage their time efficiently, they require minimal direction from above and take extreme ownership of their work from cradle to grave. Kind of like autonomous vehicles.

Entrepreneurs roam freely, using a variety of techniques and technologies to sense their environment and navigate with little or no human input. Using an extensive amount of data extracted from real life scenarios, their neural networks are activated and learn to perform the best course of action, getting smarter with every mile they drive.

And sure, they may run over the occasional cyclist and destroy a few mailboxes here and there. But nobody's perfect.

Just like autonomous vehicles, as long as you give entrepreneurs adequate time to recharge, and wipe the blood the windshield, they're ultimately a smart choice for the organization.

To quote the greatest car commercial of all time, unexplained fires are a matter for the courts.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

If you were in charge and had total freedom on how to handle things, what would you do and how would you do it?

Nibbling your way back to joy

2020-07-04T05:05:00.000-07:00

Ellis, the founder of rational emotive behavior therapy, explains that the mundane encounters which we all experience each day constitute unpleasant, even stressful, events. And the ubiquity of these events, he writes, may make them even more potent contributors to the stress of modern life than has previously been assumed.

All the more reason to take greater agency over joy. To bring as much perceptible lightness to the otherwise oppressive situations of life as we can.

Hell, there are millions of people who live their entire lives without anything that brings them joy. Probably because they don't deem themselves worthy of it. Why not go out of our way to offer that gift to them? Why not perform the simple act of giving ourselves away before we need to or are asked to?

One of the most satisfying parts about wearing a nametag all day every day is that it's a vehicle for creating moments of micro joy. A hello from a bus driver, a conversation with a cashier, a joke from a complete stranger, each of these encounters make both people rise up with a greater lightness of being.

We feel that little thrill, as if the cells in our body are slowly rising. Our exchange lasts a few seconds, but for one brief moment, there is an emancipation from the anxiety which takes the joy out of life.

We have yet another reason to make life a true celebration.

If that sounds pretentious and schmaltzy and suspiciously earnest to you, then maybe ask yourself what kind of relationship you have with joy.

Ask yourself where in your life you might be cynically blanketing every spark and flicker of delight.

Because if you want to get out of that destructive stress loop and into a more fulfilling existence, mundane encounters are an easy and free place to start.

It's cheaper than therapy.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

How are you taking greater agency over joy?

Receiving the gift of cotton candy skies

2020-07-03T04:47:00.000-07:00

Our culture has a severe addiction to a family of dangerous ideas, each of which has a slightly different species.

Here they are, in no special order.

Clarity, closure, certainty, consistency, consensus, control, cleanness and completeness.

Clarity means everything has to be plainly seen and understood.

Closure means everything has to be wrapped up in a tidy bow.

Certainty means everything is guaranteed with zero probabilities to contend with.

Consistency means everything is predictable, orderly and undemanding.

Consensus means everything is safe and doesn’t offend anyone.

Control means everything that happens in our life is a result of our own actions.

Cleanness means everything is simple and free of difficult layers.

Completeness means everything is connected to the whole and flowing as it is meant to be.

We are addicted to every single one of these.

Hanging our hearts on such narrow pegs, we’re hoping for something that simply not going to exist. Waiting in limbo to receive the gift of cotton candy skies, we’re waiting on a train that’s never going to come.

Earls wrote a book that chronicles the dawn of the age of creativity in business, in which he said the following:

It is an unfortunate fact of life that moving forward always means letting go of some things that have previously helped us. And yet we continue to use the construct, long after it has been shown to be groundless.

Yet another sign that letting go might be in order.

Our precious cocktail of clarity, closure, certainty, consistency, consensus, control, cleanness and completeness?

The time has come to get sober.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Are you willing to let go of the need for what most define as order?

The excursions of the imagination are so boundless

2020-07-02T04:34:00.000-07:00

Animated movies are a staple of modern day cinema.

They are perhaps the most important genre in the film industry.

And not only in terms of box office gross and franchise success. But also their contribution to our cultural heritage, their ability to articulate mythology and their way of communicating meaningful messages to audiences of worldwide.

What’s fascinating is, after you watch a few hundred of these animated movies, multiple times over, thematic patterns begin to emerge.

Think back to the last animated feature films you’ve watched. Whether you liked them or not, and whether you cried your eyes out or not, odds are, one of the following lessons was taught.

Be yourself, but work together.
Treasure everything, but accept change as a natural part of life.
Own your unique gifts, but ask for help and trust in those around you.
Share your joys, but only with those who appreciate them.
Learn to let go, but never give up on yourself.
Seek the treasure, but value the friends you gain along the journey.
Honor your background, but don’t let it limit your future.
Feel everything, but don’t worry about needing a reason to.
Have a new adventure, but find your way back home.
Keep moving forward, but remember where you came from.
Accept that people will call you crazy, but still see how far a simple idea can take you.

Southpark said it best in their award winning episode about imagination:

Fictional characters affect our lives more than most real people in this room. They have had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. They've changed our lives and changed the way we act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They’re imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around long after we're dead. In a way, those things are more real than any of us.

Should we be taking life advice from cartoon characters?

Absolutely. Remember, just because it’s not the lesson you’re interested in learning right now, doesn’t make it any less valuable.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...

Are you extracting insight from divergent sources of information?