They are in pain. 

Searing, awful pain. Lost jobs, lost dreams, failing health – the list goes on. And that’s when I realized I couldn’t afford to be silent. Because almost everyone I talked to felt very alone. Just like I have been feeling since I got sick. I think people are especially prone to be feeling this way with the quarantine. My heart has been breaking and I decided, even though it will likely make me feel worse, I need to post this message.

I love you. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.

I’m struggling with my own pain as well. I’ll detail it in another post. It’s made life quite difficult. I’ve been a complete and utter mess. This can happen to people who struggle with mental illness. We don’t handle stress well. Which is extremely annoying because when life is at its lowest, I am typically at my absolute worst health. It’s what I truly despise about myself.

To be quite frank, I’ve had serious doubts as to what my pain can accomplish in the world. I had a pastor tell me that God had a special purpose for me given what I’m going through and I almost screamed at him – “If it’s so great, then you try it!” 

Not helpful.

But in the past year or so that has started to change. I wanted to share a story with you all in the hopes that it would provide some encouragement. It may help some, for others of you it will have no effect. That’s ok. Please only keep reading only if you are confident you are in a place to hear someone else’s journey.

This is a story about my friendship with Natasha.

I actually ran this post by her, and she requested the fake name “Natasha.” She thought it sounded cool. Pretty sure the Black Widow’s name is Natasha – don’t know if that is a factor in her request. So, Natasha it is.

Natasha and her husband – let’s call him Bruce – opened their home to me and my husband during our period of homelessness and no jobs. What is especially incredible about this is that Natasha struggles with chronic pain. They had every right to focus on her health, but they chose to have us live with them. And they’ve done this for many other people. They also knew I had bipolar disorder and anxiety and didn’t care.

The love, encouragement, and compassion we received from Natasha and Bruce would take too long to describe. Rest assured they were complete rock stars. We lived with them for about four months before finding our own place. During that time, I formed a very close friendship with Natasha. Now we talk almost every day and often run errands together. When I have hard days, I will sometimes go to her place and hang out there. 

I noticed a few things about my psyche were slowly beginning to change. I started to care less about things that used to mean so much to me – success, recognition, high powered job, high salary. These were things I thought necessary to truly making it in life. Natasha had an inner peace that I didn’t – even though she struggled with anxiety for years in early adulthood. She had a knack for saying just the right thing to de-escalate my emotions, which believe me is no small feat. She is a modern-day superhero. 

During her walk with the Lord, Natasha has developed an immense amount of wisdom, kindness, and compassion out of her struggle with chronic pain. Her life has not been easy. It has, however, made a big impact on many people. She is using her pain to help others. She is reaching those no one else can.

I’ve decided if I can develop like one percent of Natasha’s wisdom and compassion, then my life will have been well spent. I’ve let go of my dreams for what I thought my life should be about and am accepting the one I’ve got. I’m trying to be intentional and consistent with my devotions. I work on my novels every day. Scariest of all, I took a leap of faith and started this blog. Because I didn’t want anyone else to feel alone. And because I don’t want my pain to make me bitter and angry. I want to use my pain to help others, like Natasha. I may fail utterly, but I’m going to try.  

Remember, you are not alone. You will get through this. You will get encouragement and maybe even some answers. And just maybe you, too, will find your very own Natasha.

*Author’s note: I received reports my original post was too long, so I edited it for clarity. I will include the cut content in future posts.

Sorry guys, I was doing really well for a while, and it seemed like the perfect time to start a project. Please come back. Two weeks.

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings

But I have a small confession. I’ve never read the Lord of the Rings. Believe me, I’ve tried. I even started the audiobooks hoping that would help. I just can’t do it. I’m not questioning Tolkien’s brilliance and creativity. I just think that, for me personally, his stuff is a little hard to read.

However, I still love this quote because it stirs the imagination. The idea that anything can and will happen if you simply go out of your door.

Yet for some of us, there is the bitter reality that going out of our door can be an impossible prospect. Maybe it’s because of crippling anxiety. Maybe it’s from overwhelming depression. Maybe it’s because any little thing can stress us out to an unhealthy and unreasonable degree. Going outside, instead of being an adventure, is fraught with peril.

I’ve been in this situation more times than I care to admit. There are numerous occasions when I simply can’t handle the outside world. I struggle with feeling a great deal of shame about it. It feels like society frowns upon people like me. Then there’s the fact that my illness makes life so difficult. Bipolar people have a harder time surviving in the workforce (see here) and die 20 years earlier than the average (see here). I’m doing everything I can do beat the odds, but the fact remains my illness is a pain in the butt. 

How do I cope? I’m going to write other posts on self-care techniques as well as faith, but right now I want to focus on one thing. 

Acceptance.

Does it suck to have a chronic illness? Yes it does. Does it make you unlovable or a drain on society? NO. 

First, you need to try to accept that these are the cards life has dealt you. I know it seems unfair. We’ll talk about that later (a lot, I’ve spent way too much time thinking about this). But you will be a happier, more content person if you come to peace with it. And remember – everyone has something that is making their life difficult. Some are just better at hiding it than others.

Second, you need to remember that you are worthy of love and have something special to offer to the world. What does that mean? For me, going through constant pain has taught me to be compassionate with those around me. I make a special effort to follow up with friends and family I know are going through a rough time. It’s hard knowing what to say in tough situations, but I do my best to let the individual know they are loved. There are several people in my life that need a little extra care and attention, so that’s what I give.

Am I achieving world peace? Ending hunger? No. Not by a long shot.

But I am helping change the world. A very, very small fraction of it. Which really, is all we can do. Very few of us are going to make a gigantic splash. I would argue the biggest impact comes from the most unobtrusive of gestures.

If you struggle with a chronic illness, be it a mental disorder or something else, rest assured that you too can change the world. Focus on what’s right in front of you. Love those around you. Don’t worry about being the best, brightest, and most successful.

Your pain makes you see the world differently. And that, my friend, through acceptance and effort, can be absolutely beautiful.

I googled it.

The related searches were somewhat disheartening. Things like “is homemaker an occupation?” and “is being a housewife easy?” or my favorite, “how can a housewife be happy?”

I fell into a bad habit of not mentioning to other people that I was a homemaker. When anyone asked, I said, “I’m working on a novel.” Which I am. But I am also a homemaker. Yet I had a hard time talking about it, because the common reaction I’ve encountered is confusion, if not outright disapproval.

So – to address the elephant in the room – what exactly is it that I do all day? 

I’ve decided the best way to explain is to make a list of all my responsibilities. Keep in mind, they include four different spheres of life – homemaking, writing, tending to my illnesses, and volunteer work. 

Here we go. 

Homemaker

• Tidies all the rooms
• Washes dishes
• Cleans
• Laundry
• Manages finances
• Pays bills
• Keeps track of calendar and appointments 
• Plans social events
• Organize and plan family holidays and events
• Exercises/feeds dog
• Cooks breakfast/lunch/dinner for both me and hubby
• Keeps track of household items we need
• Does all the grocery shopping and errands
• Check in with hubby during work and see if he needs anything

Illness Self-Care

• Meditate 
• Thai Chi
• Devotions (read bible/pray)
• Vigorous exercise
• Walking
• Reaching out to friends and family
• Attend doctor’s visits
• Get medical tests

Writing

• At least five hundred words a day
• Shoot for a couple thousand words a day on slow days
• Send projects for feedback to select individuals
• Incorporate feedback and edit projects
• Read some of nonfiction and fiction books every day

Volunteering

• Prepare lessons for Young Adult small group
• Read chapter in book for YA
• Reach out to YA group members and check in throughout the week
• Work on my lessons for certification

It’s a lot – especially with managing my disorders and writing. The homemakers I know have a “specialty” – some raise children, some have a side business, some are very involved in volunteer work, some are very creative and make their home into an enviable paradise – or a combination of the above. And let’s not forget those like me who need to attend to their health. I don’t know any homemakers who sit around at home all day. And the people who have had the most opportunity to speak into my life and help me through my health issues – almost all have been homemakers. They have been able to invest a great deal into the people around them.

When I worked outside the home, most of this stuff I listed didn’t happen. I barely wrote. I also was atrocious at looking after my health. There was no time. It’s likely how I ended up in the state I am in. Even now, there are some days – or weeks – when I’m too sick to do anything. But what I love most about my current job is that it is very low stress. I set my own hours and can choose what tasks to do when. I also am able to take sick days and practice adequate self-care to control my disorders. As hard as it was to accept, is too difficult for me to thrive in work outside of the home. At least for the foreseeable future. I get too stressed out. But I’m fortunate in that I am finally learning to embrace my new roles. I truly enjoy what I do.

So yes, google, a homemaker can in fact be happy. 

Didn’t happen.

I kept having mixed episodes. Even getting on a solid medication and consistently going to therapy, I still have good days and bad days. Good days our apartment is organized and immaculate, I get a ton of writing done, and I can cook scrumptious dinners. Bad days nothing gets done. I can’t even read or watch movies. I can’t focus on anything. I’m trapped in my own head. 

All my life I had prepared for a high-profile career. It varied over the years, but the most recent one I had in mind was in higher education. I expected my life to revolve around a glamorous job. During college and grad school, I worked while taking classes. If you had told me, even two years ago, that I would be a homemaker and writer I would have laughed in your face. I also wouldn’t have believed how bad my diseases would have progressed. I’ve read blogs of individuals who have embraced the life of homemaking out of choice, but unfortunately for some of us it is out of necessity. I really can’t do much else at the moment.

So what does this mean? Throw a pity party? I did for quite a while. Then I had a string of good days and I found to my astonishment – I liked it. There is great satisfaction in having a clean, organized home and making dinners from scratch. There’s this perception that homemakers sit around at home twiddling their thumbs, but the reality is far different. My husband works, teaches as an adjunct on the side, is in training to be a pastor, and is starting doctoral work in the fall. He doesn’t have time for anything else. So I do it all. The budget, the bills, the laundry, the meals, the cleaning, the calendar, the organizing, the planning, all of it. When I was in school and he worked, none of that got done. Our apartment looked like a tornado had dropped a pack of rabid dogs into it. I kid you not the pile of laundry reached almost to the ceiling. It was bad.

Now, even with my stretches of bad days, our home is in much better shape. I’m able to focus on my writing, which is more therapeutic for me than anything else. I’m able to stretch my creative muscles and devour books. So this blog will be about all of that. About mental illness, about homemaking, about books and writing, about creativity. 

If you have days where the world goes black and you are caught in your head, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. It’s ok if things are a mess. It’s ok if you have a huge list of things that aren’t getting done. It’s ok if you have trouble doing basic tasks. Not every day will be like that. 

Hopefully you can find something here to encourage you.