On 4th March 1995 George Burley’s Ipswich Town entered the red hot hellish all-seater cauldron of Old Trafford knowing that three points probably wouldn’t do anything to help them stay up. 105 minutes plus injury time later the club had succumbed to a record Premier League loss, which many fans blamed on having two Canadians in the side. United went on to finish 2nd in the league so the game never really mattered, except to Andy Cole who was briefly made to look competent in front of goal. The Gaffer looks back at that sensation day and asks where are they now?
 
1. Andy ‘Andrew’ Cole

Cole was initially sold by Newcastle as a makeweight in a £7m deal to take Keith Gillespie to St James’s Park as part of Freddie Shepherd’s attempts to break into the lucrative Northern Irish replica shirt market. Cole was signed just too late to vocalise on United’s 1994 breakthrough smash Come On You Reds so Ferguson promised to back his new striker’s fledgling rap career should he ever score five goals in a match. A man of his word, Ferguson ensured Cole would follow up his Old Trafford quint-strike with top 75 singles Outstanding, Cole As Ice and One in Three Striker – the latter a duet with Dwight Yorke. In 2000 Cole changed his name to Andrew after reading a book and eight years later retired from the game so he could finally complete Zelda: Ocarina of Time. He now lives in Lille with his stepson Joe and his Ipswich matchball.
 
2. Mark ‘Sparky’ Hughes

Legend has it that Mark ‘Sparky’ Hughes was signed by United after he did an excellent job rewiring Brian Kidd’s miniature railway. Sparky combined his trade with football over a successful 20 year career, but endured a difficult spell in Barcelona which he put down to the different size plug sockets found abroad. After bagging a quick fire brace against Ipswich, Hughes guided United to the 1995 FA Cup Final and remains second on the all-time list of Wembley appearances by Welsh people behind Katherine Jenkins. Hughes was later unsuccessfully sued by the band Feeder who claimed that the regular playing of their number 13 hit Feeling a Moment justified their inclusion on the rankings above Hughes. Now a manager at QPR, Hughes is best recognised for his no nonsense approach towards mid-table finishes and his joint business venture with agent Kia Joorabchian, which involves selling lower league clubs to scrap metal dealers.
 
3. Ryan Giggs

The Gaffer has been restricted from commenting on the career of Giggs.
 
4. Geraint ‘George’ Williams

One of the most Welsh footballers ever, Geraint Williams made over 200 appearances for Ipswich and remains the club’s joint top all-time Premier League goalscorer, matching Chris Kiwomya’s haul of three. Williams nearly missed out on the 9-0 drubbing after being placed on the transfer list two months earlier by George Burley. Rumours persisted that Williams had made a pass at Boncho Genchev’s sister during the annual Tractor Boys’ barn dance, and club messageboards pinned on village halls throughout Suffolk were rife with speculation. Genchev and Williams would make their peace on an Anglia Tonight special in May 1995 and a month later Bulgarian Genchev was deported. Williams would go on to manage Colchester, bringing the town it’s greatest success since AD 60 as they finished 10th in the Championship. He currently lives in Anglesley with his wife Angela and children Angel and Angus, who sadly suffer from angina.
 
5. Brian ‘Choccy’ McClair

McClair spent a staggering 11 years at United, during which time he and Gary Mabbutt were the only diabetics playing in England’s top flight. Despite having slightly more ability than Kingsley Black and slightly less ability than Gary Penrice, McClair ended his career with two Premier League winners medals and a chain of multi-story Belfast car parks which he won in a bet with Keith Gillespie. McClair retired in 1998 after the usual uneventful spell at Motherwell and joined United as a youth coach, helping bring through talented youngsters such as Ravel Morrison, Fabien Brandy and Adnan Ahmed. In his spare time McClair successfully graduated from the University of Govan with a degree in stag beetle management, going on to become a popular figure at stag beetle conventions. The numberplate of McClair’s Vauxhall Insignia reads STUG 1, though he hopes to one day get his hands on STAG 1 should it become available.

After deciding to kick racism out in the 90s football has recently decided that was a bit harsh and grudgingly let racism back in from the cold. While the re-establishment of the Negro Leagues (exclusively live to TalkSPORT) are yet to be confirmed, former moral beacons such as John Terry and Luis Suarez have been accused of using racist language. So, has football become racist again?

After winning the FA Cup in 1987 it was widely expected that Coventry City would push on to become the biggest club in Europe. With household names such as Cyrille Regis, Keith Houchen and Gary Mabbutt (og), not to mention an aesthetically pleasing kit, the West Midlands juggernaut continued to crush all comers; finishing 10th in 1987 and then 7th in 1988. Heading into the FA Cup 3rd round match at Sutton in 1989, Coventry players were rumoured to have arrived at the game, smoking cigars, via stretched limos and helicopters. Unthinkable defeat in a Matthew vs Goliath FA Cup classic followed, amid suggestions that the Coventry players may have underestimated the opposition. Here, the Gaffer finds out what happened to the Sutton heroes …

1. Tony Rains

After spells at fellow non-league clubs Epsom Victory, Horsham YMCA and Sporting Club Banstead, Rains joined Sutton in 1986 and swiftly became a fan favourite with his no-nonsense approach to hoofing the ball – at a time when many non league fans had become disenchanted with a new style of passing football copied from the Dutch lower divisions. Rains’s opening goal against Sutton – which deflected in off Steve Ogrizovic’s nose – meant he was recognised in the streets of the London borough for years to come. However, he would later admit in a 1993 interview with the Sutton Guardian that “probably 80% of autograph hunters mistook me for Sharon’s husband from Birds of a Feather”. Now 47, Rains splits his time between his family and running an infidelity website.

2. Pink Champagne

After being invented in the early 1980s to fill a gap in France’s blossoming homosexual drinks market, pink champagne crossed the Channel in 1988, becoming the must have drink among City traders and semi professional footballers. Popular celebrities of the time Elton Welsby, Bob Carolgees and Annabel Giles were swiftly papped by the tabloids drinking the frothy fey bubbles, and were copied by the millions who idolised them. Freddie Starr was even rumoured to have doused a hamster in a bottle before eating it. However, the drink’s swift rise was followed by an even swifter decline as unfashionable big names such as David Bowie and Joe Strummer were seen swilling the continental bubbles. Now celebrating its 30th anniversary, pink champagne is largely seen as an affordable treat for working class women.

3.Vernon Pratt

Though best known for being Peter Simon’s replacement for the final series of Run The Risk, Pratt, now 51, played the final 25 minutes of this memorable encounter, winning two throw ins and a goal kick. After his heroic role in the victory over Coventry, Pratt signed a four figure deal with local theme park Chessington World of Adventures to be the face of their newest attraction, Giantkiller. However the ride shut down just three weeks later due to a lack of interest caused by Sutton’s 8-0 defeat at Norwich in the 4th round.

4. Lennie Dennis

Sharp-suited Lennie Dennis was just 21-years-old when he became joint player chairman in 1988. Famed for both his straight talking and inability to beat the first defender at corners, dyslexic Dennis brought in Sutton’s first sponsorship deal in a tie in with the inaugural World Book Day. Despite the aggressive tone of the sponsorship message, and the fact it was misspelt, the deal helped pay for a new stand at the Sutton’s Gander Green Lane ground, which later burnt down in a fire in 1990 (giving the club a huge insurance payout which Dennis blew on a tandem parachute jump with Sam Fox). By the summer of that year Dennis had been hounded out of non-league football and was last seen in August 1999 selling torches in Guilford during the build-up to the solar eclipse.

5. Matt Hanlan

Winning goalscorer Matt Hanlan wasn’t even due to play in the famous match as the part time bricklayer was busy building a new branch of Wimpy on Kingston High Street, yet after seeing the face of Jesus on a brick he made the decision to bunk off work and hop on a 213 bus to the ground just minutes before kick-off. He would later tell Terry Wogan the decision was the greatest one he ever made, even though after returning to the building site on Monday he discovered the brick looked more like Micky Quinn, and decided to become an atheist. Now in his mid 40s, as well as boring his nine children with daily VHS re-runs of his appearances on Pebble Mill and Doobie Duck’s Disco Bus, Hanlan campaigns for Kick Racism out of Football and is credited with formulating the EU’s proposal to ban retailers from selling bananas between 3 and 4.45pm on matchdays.

“Thomas, charging through the midfield. Thomas, it’s up for grabs now …” Those were the words with which Brian Moore described the climax on that famous night, when Arsenal secured a valuable three points, as well as an extra +1 of crucial goal difference – the kind of game fans never forget. But what happened to the protagonists in Nick Hornby’s much-loved screenplay? The Gaffer finds out.

1. Michael Thomas
A notoriously morose fellow, Thomas was unable to deal with adulation heaped upon him after his goal at Anfield and therefore decided to move to the only place where everyone still hated him: Liverpool. Went on to play the role of Carlton Banks in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air before the unexpected failure of Police Academy XVII killed his acting career. His most recent venture is a seafood restaurant in Welwyn Garden City called Who’s Up for Crabs Now?

2. Steve Nicol
After Nicol’s bungled clearance allowed Thomas through to score, the defender was quickly snapped up to lead the new British invasion of the NASL. His fondness for paying in restaurants using only loose change resulted in the coining of the American phrase, ‘Nicol and dimed’ – which means ‘tight-arse Scot’. Ironically, Nicol always preferred to say candy rather than sweets.

3. Bruce Grobbelaar
Fondly remembered for his wobbly legs routine in the 1984 European Cup final, Grobbelaar’s next foray into ‘distraction goalkeeping’ was less successful. His reclining-on-a-chaise-longue stance failed to put Thomas off but the Zimbabwean refused to give up, establishing a School for the Goalkeeping Arts to cultivate eccentric young stoppers. Grobbelaar’s plans for a Cecil Rhodes theme park have yet to get off the ground.

4. Ronnie Whelan
Whelan couldn’t bear to make another slide tackle after that night and spent the final seven years of his career hoping the ball came nowhere near him. Insisting on being called Ronald after his retirement, as he decided it sounded more dignified, Whelan now lives a quiet life in Brize Norton breeding newts.

5. Alan Hansen
Tall, angular and smooth-skinned, Hansen quit football after becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the proliferation of moustaches at Liverpool. Became a dancer for Madonna on her Blonde Ambition world tour and subsequently modelled kilts for House of Fraser. More recently, Hansen made an unlikely bid to be cast as Harry Potter in the successful film franchise but, despite the convenient scar on his forehead, was turned down for what was described as his “terrible pretending”.

6. Perry Groves
After ‘larging’ his way through the 80s and 90s, Groves settled down to become Head of Banter at Sky Sports and these days writes the scripts for popular Soccer Saturday character Paul Merson.

7. Ray Houghton
Invented the roly-poly at World Cup 94. Now plays the part of Raymond Stantz in a Ghostbusters tribute act based out of Preston.

8. David Rocastle
Is still visible in the distance, if you squint.

If there’s one thing football needed more of in the dark days before Sky it was more football. Especially on telly.

Our beloved Beautiful Game was woefully under-represented in those dark, dark days with just Saint and Greavsie and that advert with the Scouse lads drinking milk to tide over those that, like me, really do love football.

Like every football fan, I remember exactly where I was the first time Sky unveiled Monday Night Sofa: on a sofa.

I can’t remember where I was exactly, but I’m pretty sure Man City were welcoming the Sky cameras to the Etihad stadium – and with the cheerleaders and fireworks that Sky brought to proceedings there was a real sense of occasion about the happenings occurring in front of the camera and on all of our screens.

I can’t remember who the oppo was, one of those flash in the pan teams that comes up every now again like Nottingham Forest or Middlesbrough I think, but it didn’t matter. Monday Night Football was here. Football on a Monday Night was here. And our lives would never be the same again.

Back then it was sponsored by Ford, who make some of the best Mondeos I’ve ever driven, to be fair.

That night I got hold of a mate of a mate who had Andy Gray’s number and left him a message on his answerphone saying the programme name should be changed to Mondeo Night Football, but he must not have got it as I never heard back from him. Remember those old answering machines with tapes in? Rubbish!

The brilliant thing about MNF, as any true fan knows it, was that it was bringing football to a whole new part of the week. It’s a bit like my show on Friday nights on 5 Live with Colin Murray called Sports Express on at 9.30 on Friday night and also available on iPlayer, which I know for a fact that Andy Gray listens to sometimes. How the tables have turned.

When Sky brought MNF back last season it was like the return of the proverbial sun. Keysy and Gray-y may no longer be driving the ship, but when you’ve got a format as strong as football on a Monday night, it’s not hard to see why it’s easily one of the best good shows on the telly. One thing’s for sure: it’s excellent.

Bringing in a giant iPad was a great idea. It’s a nod the sort of new-fangled gadgeteritos that all football fans and young people love. And of course – there’s the football.

I for one personally can’t wait to settle down next Monday with the lads, a four pack of Carling’s and a pack of Nobby’s Nuts from the complimentary box they sent me (cheers Nobby!). The banter will be brilliant and then for dessert we’ll tuck into some delicious goals, analysis, and sport.

Now that’s football!

Bonjour mes et mons amis!

Bonsoir. Mon français, elle n’est pas parfaite. Désolé, vraiment. Bare avec moi.

Ça va? Ça va. Ça va bien. Ça va? Bof.

Je’mappelle Joe Cole. J’habite en Lille. Je joue au foot.

J’adore le foot, mais, la mois derniere, Damien Comolli de mon parent club Liverpool a dit: “Bonjour Joe.” J’etais worried, to be fair. Damien est un homme tres, tres imposing.

“Nous avons un offer. C’est un loan deal pour vous á Lille en France!”

Je ne comprends pas what to say! J’etais sad que le gaffer Roi Kenny ne me voulait pas plus. Mais aussi c’etait un opportunité fantastique!

Image – Joe Cole en France! Dans Ligue Une! Incroyable! C’était une fenêtre de transfer tres tres topsy-turvy.

Alors, je voyage dans l’Eurostar á mon nouvelle club. C’est fantastique! J’adore le legroom. J’adore le temps pour listener á podcasts. Oui, c’est vrai – j’adore le Eurostar.

Évidemment la training en France est tres tres different á le training dans Angleterre. Par example, avec Chelsea, nous passerions une heure running around cones. Avec Lille – bof.

Nous mangeons des escargots et boire du vin toujours. Il n’est pas un drink isotonic dans sight!

La football en France: Zut alors! Désolé pour la langue, mais Jesus wept! Ces Garçons ne peuvent pas trap un sac de cement!

Alors. Mais slowly, nous sommes improvement. J’introduce le concept de “penetrating runs to byline” et je suis tres popular.

Mon amis de l’equipe a dit: “Joe! Tu sont fantastique”. J’espere M. Cappello est a regarder!

Au revoir, ça va, et bon anniversaire!

Joe Cole.

Introduced to boost flagging Chelsea attendances in the middle of the 00s, the Makélélé role is a name given to the member of the side whose job it is to lighten the mood of the fans and his team mates by performing practical jokes and maintaining and overseeing top-level banter.

The phrase was coined when John Terry hilariously punched a woman in a hotel bar in 2004. This “smack-a-lady” role improved team spirit no end, but when a drunken Damien Duff attempted to text an account of the event to Glen Johnson he could only type “JT’ s mack a layly!!!11″, and a new phrase was coined.

The role was maintained by Terry for many years at club and international level, but he was stripped of the title in 2010 when allegations about his private life suggested that he treated women with respect, and Fabio Capello and Guus Hiddink decided he was no longer the appropriate choice.

John Obi Mikel took over the Makélélé role at Chelsea, by which times the club’s success had made the position popular around the world, with top jokers Jimmy Bullard, Javier Mascherano and Joey Barton excelling in the role at other clubs.

Claude Makélélé is often credited as making the “role his own” at Chelsea, but this erroneous suggestion is a result of widespread confusion about the origin of the name.

A system of defending that requires players to enter a trance-like state known as The Zone. Raised to this higher plane of consciousness, a defender will have an almost preternatural awareness of where the opposition striker is – until he moves into a team-mate’s designated defensive quadrant, at which point he will be completely forgotten about.

Invented in the early 1990s by a Spanish waiter called Rafael Benítez – part-time coach of amateur side Salamanca – the tactic initially flourished on the continent but could not be implemented on British training pitches due to a shortage of cones, which are required to be worn as Mind Hats by players learning zonal marking’s transcendental techniques. For this reason, the system is sometimes referred to as conal marking, though the term was recently outlawed as racist by a UEFA directive.

Because of the zen-like focus required to stay in The Zone, it can be mentally draining for a defence to use the system. It is, however, far less tiring than other forms of marking, which require players to run around, make tackles, and win headers.

Teams who have mastered zonal marking can enter various different zones during a game, in order to deal with different opposition. The four most common are Aztec, Industrial, Medieval and Futuristic – though a defence must take care not to leave a member of the back-four “trapped” in the zone, as this can make it almost impossible to deal with corners.

The system also spawned a successful game show called the Crystal Palace Maze, in which presenter Richard O’Brien was played by Attilio Lombardo. The programme became a cult favourite much-loved by students of football, and is often-cited as the last genuine example of Channel 4 fulfilling its public service remit.

After beating off The Sun in a vicious bidding war, The Gaffer is proud to announce our serialisation of Ian Crook’s autobiography, ‘Too Many Crooks’. The ex-Norwich hero’s book promises to lift the lid on a tumultuous career, and a much-anticipated chapter will tell all about Robert Chase’s crippling tiddlywinks habit . This week, Ian recounts a PR opportunity gone wrong

As Spiderman once wrote, with great power comes great responsibility. The same applies to getting to the 3rd round of the Uefa Cup: before you know it you are a figurehead for the community and are called upon to help it thrive. And so it was no surprise that within weeks of dispatching Bayern Munich through the exit marked “second round exit” I had been asked to open not just one but two new branches of Wimpy in the Norfolk area. And a Happy Shopper.

It was a heady economic time, 1994, and Norwich was taking Major’s economic miracle and running it to the corner flag. There is a lot of rubbish written about the early 90s being a tough time, what with Black Wednesday and Britain’s expulsion from the European Exchange Rate Mechanism. I don’t know the figures but what I will say is I have never seen  the Norwich branch of MVC so busy on a Saturday afternoon. But this isn’t the place for me to talk politics. So let’s move on. Before I do though, all I will say is Maggie Thatcher is the best thing to ever happen to the country.

So there I find myself, in my Canaries shellsuit, ready to open a brand new Wimpy for the second time in a fortnight. We had a classic team for these events: me, Ruel Fox and Mr Wimpy. I contemplated turning the gig down, but who could say no to as many free knickerbocker glories as you can eat (six, on past experience)? The crowd was gathered in their tens and all I had to do was some keepy uppies before Mr Wimpy cut the ribbon and Ruel sampled a bender in a bun. What could go wrong?

I’ll tell you what could go wrong: I could lose control of the ball, stretch my weaker left peg to retrieve it, and only succeed in volleying it into the face of an unlucky young fan. He was a big fan too, and had been to every event Mr Wimpy had done in East Anglia, but that is by the by.

Four hours we spent in A&E (I felt I should go along, even though I’m with Bupa). Meanwhile, I knew Ruel was stuffing his face, the lucky git. It seemed to last forever, just sitting there in the waiting room, trying to take the kid’s mind off things by recreating Gossy’s goal at the Olympic Stadium with the other patients playing the outclassed Germans.

Once the nose had been reset I headed back to Wimpy only to find the whole event had been a PR disaster and I was public enemy number one. Not only was I not getting a free Brown Derby but I was off the Happy Shopper gig the following week. Instead they were getting in Ipswich’s John “Walk the” Wark. And there is no two ways about this, opening a local convenience store is publicity money cannot buy.

Needless to say the Gaffer was livid.

Next time Ian offers an impassioned defence of corporal punishment in schools …

Hello readers, it’s your man with the inside line, racing around the bend out in front of the chasing pack, holding out the baton of truth to make sure you’re first past the post with the latest news. Come on, take it, I’m bloody knackered!

• Looks like someone is for the high-jump at FIFA, after administrators left a massive hole in the schedules over the summer. Following the success of last year’s World Cup, insiders expected at the very least another Tournoi, but the only international kickabout arranged was something called the Copa America – and everyone knows the Yanks don’t like football.

• Some good news for the Old Trafford hierarchy, from one of my informants down at the nick: despite City’s rise in popularity due to several glamorous new sponsorship deals, rioters in Manchester were still twice as likely to loot a United shirt from their local branch of JJB.

• Questions are being asked now that Norwich are back in the Premiership as to whether they can cut the mustard – but I’ve established, contrary to what the so-called experts are saying, that there are no plans to remove Coleman’s from the condiment selection for half-time butties.

• He may have spent a fortune on Cockney lessons, but I understand that Avram Grant’s days at West Ham could be numbered. If you see Avram around, don’t mention it to him – my wife says he has sadness in his eyes and the news could be the last straw.

• In a separate scoop, I’ve heard that Karren Brady’s BlackBerry is full of emails from a certain Lord Sugar. Don’t quote me, but I think if the authorities were to get wind of her close personal relationship with the head of the London 2012 team, there could be some serious questions asked about that whole Olympic Stadium business …

THIS WEEK’S PIN-CODE-STEALING, WIRE-TAPPING, PHONE-HACKING GOSSIP: Which former jailbird (possibly a Magpie) has recently taken anti-social networking to new heights? The player in question has apparently been looking for Friends (not Ross or Chandler) online but his philosophy has put many people off. Despite being a troublemaker, he is definitely a fan favourite, a bit like BART simpsON, and although he’s a bit of a twit, I’m still following him closely … If you’re reading this, Joseph, I want that bloody Smiths ‘best of’ CD back, you hear?