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I started out this past weekend by going to the Chandler Classic Car show (pics available on my flickr here). I was with my photography club-mates, Tony and Mike and after we’d had our fill of classic cars we decided to head over to Gilbert and eat at Joe’s Real BBQ — let me cut to the chase here: AWESOME. So good! The little area where the restaurant was pretty neat too. Very small town America feel. Loved it.

Later that night, the family elected to go out to eat at Famous Dave’s BBQ — possibly because I had unknowingly eaten at a restaurant that everyone else had been wanting to go to. I’m not sure if this speaks more to my apparently non-existent listening skills or if I’m just ignorant altogether — but I guess either way, it doesn’t really paint me in a good light so we’ll just gloss over this by showing you another picture (this one is Famous Dave’s).

As the family made that decision, I feigned horror “Oh no! More BBQ! What ever am I going to do?!?” Famous last words folks. But more on that later.

While we were waiting for our food a question had come up and now that I think of it, I’m not sure exactly *how* it had come up but here it was and we couldn’t remember the answer.

“You know how in addition you get a sum, and in subtraction you get…”

“A difference”

“Right. What’s the word for multiplication?”

And here gentle readers is where we were stuck. Of the three adults at the table, we couldn’t remember what it was (Carla’s Mom offered “quotient” for division and while it was impressive, it wasn’t helpful. At all.).

I wonder how this happens. How can something that is so commonplace at one time in your life seemingly be gone the next? I realize that we can’t remember everything we’ve ever learned. I guess some things will stick — the things you care about be they song lyrics or what she was wearing when you first met her — others, not so much. Like Algebra. But then, I’ve always had a problem – a beef, if you will – with Algebra.

I’ve never hidden my disdain for Algebra. I’ve never understood why we were forced into it in the first place. I understand that there are people out there who possibly/probably use it every day. Hell, I might even use it and not even realize it (again, not listening or just ignorant? Jury = still out.) but if I had to pin down when this “beef” started — it all comes down to one problem. I don’t remember the exact wording but it went something like:

“Bill wants to know how tall the telephone pole is. The shadow of the telephone pole is [unit of measurement goes here]. Using that, how tall is the telephone pole?”

Or some crap like that. Friggin’ Bill. Sorry if I sound bitter but, have you ever looked at a telephone pole and wondered how tall it was — so much so that you used the shadow to actually figure it out? If so, congrats. Me? I look at it and think “Wow, that’s pretty high.” AND THAT’S IT.

Oh, wait — this too: “It would suck to have that fall on you.” but that speaks more to my paranoid nature/fear of big things falling on me so, that’s a whole other Oprah.

I’ve always maintained that for the majority, all we will ever need is addition and subtraction (to a lesser degree multiplication and division) because that’s what you’ll need to balance your checkbook. Have any of you used your higher math functions in daily life? I’d be interested to hear it. I would also welcome math nerds/geeks/whatever they want to be called (how about people, fatty? Sorry. Dorks. Hee!) to tell me if I am using Algebra every day so I can be properly thankful for it. Otherwise, I’m gonna keep looking at the telephone poles and keep on not wondering how tall they are – shadows be damned.

…

Um, wasn’t I in a BBQ joint just a little while ago?

We couldn’t figure out what the word was until we got home and looked it up on the ‘net. Product, in case you are wondering and/or like us and had the word escape you.

Also, that whole “you can never have too much of a good thing” thing? Lies. All of them. BBQ twice in one day — most likely not a good idea. I can attest to that. From 3AM until 6AM Sunday morning I had a lot of time to think about that very thing.

“If John eats 2 pounds of BBQ in the span of 5 hours, how many hours will he spend awake and in agony later that night?”

Hey, is that algebra?

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It’s a coffee bean that I’m waiting at this time. It’s the nearest coffee place to my former place of employment. I’m waiting on a different friend this time. It’s always amazing to me how many people start/spend their day here. Yes, I see the irony of my making that statement when I am doing that very thing — but still, it’s a lot of people. Mostly a laptop crowd. I wonder if people will ever stop writing things down in favor of typing them in.

The person at the table in front of me has their power cord going across a walkway. Stranger still, the outlet is at a table where someone else is sitting and they seem to be OK with it. Something strange is afoot at the coffee bean. Must be something in the java.

If I ever get another job – an actual job-type-job – I hope it’s not at a coffee place. It seems that there’s a never ending stream of people that come into these places (again: Irony. I get it.). I guess it would make the shifts go faster but I think doing something like that for so long leads to mistakes. But, then again, free coffee. I think there was a time that I preferred the coffee bean to starbucks but I think this has changed. I go to starbucks so much that when I come in here, I’m lost. “Large? What’s that? Is that like a Venti?” The coffee doesn’t taste as good to me either but what can you do? Any port in a storm.

Coming here – driving around an area that I used to drive Monday through Friday every week – is so strange. Familiar and different at the same time. I figure little things changed here and there but in the end it is all essentially the same. I wonder if the same applies to me.

I just realized that I’ve been listening to the same song for the last 13 minutes — and there’s still 29 minutes left to it. Damn. Skip. Beck. Thank you. Moving on…

I think a regular just came in. Can’t really tell because of the headphones but the facial expressions lead me to believe so. I’ve always wanted to be a regular somewhere. I was once. It was a pizza place in Westwood. Lamonica’s N.Y. Pizza. Fantastic then, still awesome now. When I was working at the Wherehouse I had 30 minute breaks for lunch. This limited where I could go to eat. Right around the corner was Lamonica’s and it became my spot. One slice of pepperoni, one slice of cheese warmed up some but not too hot otherwise I would spend most of my lunch waiting for it to cool down. TANGENT:: You ever notice how a pizza slice has to spend very little time in the over before it is about the same temperature as molten lava? Why is that? ::END TANGENT I came in and ordered this so much that when they saw me walk in, even if I wasn’t at the head of the line, my order would get started. Life was good. It culminated in my getting a free pizza when I got hit by a car and broke my leg. They noticed that I wasn’t coming by and asked my roommate about me. When they found out — one free pizza whenever I wanted it. Isn’t that awesome? Maybe it’s time to become a regular again somewhere. But where?

I see someone who looks A LOT like someone I used to know. I’m too afraid to go and talk to him. It was a lifetime ago and I’m not sure if it’s actually him. And now he’s gone and I will probably always wonder.

I really should sit down and listen to all the stuff on my ipod. When I have it on shuffle, songs will come up that I either forgot I had on there or I just don’t know altogether.

…

I guess there are worse problems one could have.

I’m sitting outside a Starbucks on Sepulveda. I’ve just finished my drink and pastry (Today scone wins — sorry cheese danish, maybe next time.). The birds are fairly brave here. Definitely used to people. They check me out a couple of times and decide that there’s a good chance I won’t leave anything for them to eat (they’re right) and leave.

I spot and iridescent green and purple hummingbird. I’ve never seen one like that.

Across the street sits the Hacienda Hotel. It still appears to be active but it also seems like it’s from another time. Three other times, really. From right to left you can see where they made expansions and it looks like the next designer didn’t care or try to follow who came before. What I assume to be the oldest part looks like it was originally a motel — with rooms practically on the street. The second phase has sort of an early 70’s feel. The third and final portion appears straight out of the mid-80’s with it’s tubular bars and curved windows. This building is the most jarring and as it stands a little away from the others, I can’t confirm that it actually is part of the hotel — but for now, I’d like to think that it is. As odd as the whole scene is, it works.

In front of the outside seating area where I write, there is the normal cluster of newspaper vending machines – most of them of the free rag variety. LA Xpress is there. I notice that it’s free now. Back in the day, it used to cost money. Go ahead and think what you will but I never bought one – I just know this because there was a stand in front of my first apartment in L.A. (classy!) and all over Westwood where I worked and hung out. I consider picking one up because I am, like I was then, curious. What is in there? Naked pictures? Big deal. I assume there must be more. Surely, there must be more. As I am thinking about this, a man comes up, nonchalantly opens the dispenser, grabs his copy (a few down from the top because the top one is always dirty) and goes on his merry way. I’m kind of surprised that he does this in full view of all who are sitting here. I get a feeling that I can’t pin down. Do I feel sorry for him? Am I jealous of his comfort level in going after what he wants? I chalk it up to feeling a little nauseous due to the Russian family that just parked themselves behind me and are smoking. Yes, they have kids.

Yes, I am leaving.

Once more into the abyss dear readers. As you well know by now, Google is awesome but using Google for this is cheaty-cheaty-bo-beaty, dig? I had fun with the theme from last time (in case you didn’t get it, it was “Dream”) so we have another one for today. Can you figure it out? Let me know in the comments. Well, go on smarty — get on with it!

1. I feel fine and I feel good
I’m feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don’t know what to say
Why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday (Kristen M.)

2. You may be king
you may possess the world and it’s gold
But gold won’t bring you happiness
when you’re growing old

3. You can live your life lonely
Heavy as stone
Live your life learning
And working alone
Say this is all you want
But I don’t believe that it’s true
‘Cause when you least expect it
Waiting round the corner for you

4. Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again (Kristen M.)

5. lay her down as priest does
should the lord be acountin’
will be in my honour, make it pain
painfully quick, uh huh
promises are whispered
in the age of darkness
want to be enlightened
like I want to be told the end…end, yeah

6. You’ve been learnin’
And baby, I been learnin’
All them good times
Baby, baby, I’ve been discernin’-a

7. Do you remember
There was a time ahaha
When people on the street
Were walking hand in hand in hand
They used to talk about the weather
Making plans together
Days would last forever (Kristen M.)

8. I ain’t got many friends left to talk to
No one’s around when I`m in trouble
You know I’d do anything for you
Stay the night, but keep it under cover

9. I’m in heaven
With my boyfriend, my laughing boyfriend.
There’s no beginning and there is no end.
Time isn’t present in that dimension.

10. Nothing you can know that isn’t known.
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.
It’s easy. (Kristen M.)

As always, thanks to Apropos of Something

Whenever we go back to the Los Angeles area (Downey, to be specific), unless we fly, we drive out on Interstate 10 — and if we’re driving, I’m driving. It’s a long drive (about 6 hours minimum — but usually longer) but it is still so new to us that it remains interesting. Granted, a lot of it is desert scenery — rocks, mountains, rocky mountains — it is still a nice drive. Being the driver, I don’t get to see a lot of what’s happening around me — well, I do, but I am not able to concentrate on a passing sign or interesting building as much as the passengers can (if they weren’t playing their Nintendo DS’es or sleeping) because I’m trying to make sure we don’t, you know, die. While continuously saving all of our lives at 80 MPH, I still manage to let my mind wander and here’s some of the thoughts that I had on out last trip out there. UPDATE: I’ve also tacked on some updates in order to add a little more color.

1. Murray’s — I spotted a sign “Murray’s Restaurant & Hotel Supply”. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen it before but it looks old enough that I should have seen it countless times in my travels up and down this freeway (this would be the freeway I would also take to get to my hometown from L.A. when I lived there). Never in my life have I ever wanted to go into a store more. It seems silly, I know, but I wanted to see what the inside looked like and if Murray was actually there (or real). I don’t have a hotel or a restaurant but if Murray was there, I would have bought something. Who wouldn’t want to buy something from Murray? Is it just me? UPDATE: They have a website. It’s where I grabbed that picture of the sign and there’s pictures of the inside showroom. I still want to go there and I desperately hope that the inside is still very much like the “Design Services” picture — like they are somehow trapped in the late 60’s, early 70’s. I want so much for it to be that — but I know it’s not. I guess maybe it’s better that I didn’t go inside. In my head though — in my head, this place is AWESOME.

2. Tattoo Expo — I see on the animated electric billboard near the Pomona Mining Company that there’s a Tattoo Expo that’s happening while we’re in town. I don’t know why this surprises me. I worked in an industry that makes magazines solely for people in such varied lines of employment as School Bus drivers, Car Rental Shops, and Nail Technicians. And yes, they too have trade shows for them and them only. It never fails to amaze me how close something can be to you but if you don’t notice it or know about it, you don’t/won’t see it. UPDATE: I later saw a billboard for this on the 405 and considering the tight tank top the chest-thrusting girl was wearing and the barely noticeable tattoo on her left arm, you would think that the expo was for another word with multiple T’s in it. Actually, I wouldn’t bet against the notion that there is one. I also wouldn’t bet against the idea of me not ever getting to go.

3. Aristocrat Motel – The name here just makes me giggle. I shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover but I have to think that maybe this adage shouldn’t apply to places where you plan to spend money to sleep. I’m thinking you would like it to look as nice as possible. Not to say that it looked like a hovel but Aristocrat Motel? If that word means what I think it means, they wouldn’t be caught dead here. Love that they call it that though. Awesome. Coming soon – Royal Trailer Park.
UPDATE: Definition of Aristocrat (pay attention to #3):
1 : a member of an aristocracy; especially : noble
2 a : one who has the bearing and viewpoint typical of the aristocracy b : one who favors aristocracy
3 : one believed to be superior of its kind

Um, yeah. No.

4. Jerky tastes better on the road — I don’t know why this is, but it’s true. Going on a trip? Get some road jerky. You’re welcome. UPDATE: Jerky’s still pretty awesome when you’re not on the road. Gonna watch some T.V.? Get some couch jerky. You’re welcome.

I didn’t sleep well at all the other night. I stayed up way too late playing Bioshock 2. I was so immersed in my role of the prototype “Big Daddy” (google it) that the dreams I had later blurred the lines of reality and served to freak me out further. I couldn’t tell what was real any more and a lot of it had to do with my mask. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and before they gave me my machine, I had to choose a mask.

“So which one do you want to try?”

I looked at the disembodied mannequin heads that were modeling my choices. I picked the one that I had used in my sleep test some months prior and she got it down for me.

“This one is pretty popular,” she said as I tried it on, “but some people find it a little claustrophobic.”

*Click*

Suddenly, this little piece of plastic that was just big enough to accommodate my nose became stifling. Never underestimate the power of suggestion.

—

The first time I heard the term CPAP was when my friend Andy was diagnosed with sleep apnea.

“So what does it do?”

Andy explained that it basically shot air pressure through your nose in order to keep your airways open so you can breathe while you sleep. “But, it’s kind of weird to open your mouth and have air shoot out of it.”

“We should put a ping pong ball there and see if it hovers!”

“Very funny.”

—

I can’t remember when it started but what I do know is that I was becoming more and more tired and I didn’t know why. I would nod off at my computer in the middle of the afternoon – powerless against the waves of sleep coming over me, unable to keep my eyes open. The nights weren’t much better. I remember most of them simply because it didn’t feel like I was sleeping through them. I know I was sleeping but whenever I awoke (multiple times through the night) I was wide awake every single time — as if I hadn’t gone to sleep in the first place. Carla had mentioned before that I snored (I have to take her word for it as I’m always asleep when this happens) but that now it was getting progressively worse and that something else was happening too.

I wasn’t breathing.

—

Now, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ve already figured out that the “not breathing” thing was only temporary. I got over it. What we also figured out was that it was happening all night long. The pattern was as follows: breathing, not breathing, struggling for air, breathing again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. All of this was happening while I was asleep.

I found out later that not treating this could lead to heart damage and possibly a stroke. This is what may have helped end Reggie White’s life and he was in much better shape that I am and possibly ever will be. It was time to see a doctor and get this taken care of.

Seeing the doctor led to a sleep test (which is a poorly named test as I don’t remember sleeping much at all — ‘A’ for effort?). This led me to being diagnosed with sleep apnea. And that’s why I was trying on masks.

“You know, now that you mention it, it does seem a little constricting. Can I try the one on the end?”

I debated asking which one the ladies would find more attractive but I eventually decided that this would amuse only me and so I chose not to subject her to my “humor”.

“This is a newer one and people seem to like it because they don’t have all this plastic all over their face. It does shoot the air straight up your nose though.”

This gave me pause. Did I really want this? It didn’t sound very comfortable or pleasing. In the end though, it was a good fit and it was the model I chose.

“Nasal pillows it is.”

Nasal pillows. I have to admit that I was hoping for something a little more manly like “Air Blaster 3000″ but I guess anything that comes with a built-in humidifier is already fighting an uphill battle.

As she walked me through how to operate the machine, my immediate and foreseeable future dawned on me: I am now attached to this machine. This is now a part of my life.

“Break out the ping pong balls,” I muttered to myself.

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing.”

Here we go again. The rules are pretty much the same (google = cheating) but it’s a little different. This isn’t as random as it was before. Matter of fact, you could say it’s not random at all and I picked these songs. There’s a theme here and if you figure out one or two, I’m sure you’ll see what it is. Post your guesses in the comments. Good luck!

1. Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused (Kristen M.)

2. Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray (Kristen M.)

3. It’s out there
It’s out there
It’s out there
If you want me, I’ll be here

4. And now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don’t hurt me
You’re what I couldn’t find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You’re everything to me (Kristen M.)

5. Light switch
Man switch
Film was broken only then
All the night
Fused tomorrow
Dancing with a distant friend

6. Lookin’ at a green sky
Sun like a red eye
Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by
She’s tired and lonely
Scared and depressed
Her visions of one day go racing the next

7. I sit by and watch the river flow
I sit by and watch the traffic go
Imagine something of your very own
Something you can have and hold

8. Oh, thunder only happens when it’s raining
Players only love you when they’re playing
Say, women…they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know (Kristen M.)

9. Brooklyn like a sea in the asphalt stalks
Push out dead air from a parking garage
Where you stand with the keys and your cool hat of silence
Where you grip her love like a driver’s liscense

10. And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow

As always, thanks to Apropos of Something

The scene: My room/office/room. The lights aren’t on because we rarely turn on the over head lights. I’ve got my headphones on and I’m listening to Groovera’s “Low Mercury” station. I read somewhere, I think it was on Lifehacker, that people tend to listen to downtempo music to get work done. I’m hoping it helps/inspires me to get through this because our blog, is no uncertain terms, is the suck when it comes to, well, being a blog. We rarely write in it. I really want that to change. So here I am with hopefully the beginning of what I hope to be more frequent posts.

It’s been an interesting/crazy/annoying couple of weeks for me. I’m going to bullet point these things so I hope that’s ok with you. If not… *shrugs*.

- Merry Christmas & Happy 2010.
Forget the year, where did the decade go? I’m not quite sure of it but it seems to me that the older I get, the faster time seems to be rolling by. My oldest will be 8 this year. My marriage will be 10. I remember a time when I didn’t have either. I also remember not ever being this happy with my life. Outside of the weight gain.

- Dave moves in
My brother Dave moved into our house. Happy to have him here. Our office is now, once again, in our bedroom. I miss the division of “work” and “home” spaces but knowing that Dave is here with me far outweighs that comfort. Although getting ready for him to be here was and (as you’ll see) continues to be painful.

- Ouch, I hurt my old
So, in order to get Dave here, we had to move a lot of stuff around. The desk in our office, which was just a long table that Carla and I shared, wouldn’t work in here so we now have two separate desks. This is a good thing because now we have our own spaces and we don’t harsh each other’s work flow. That is unless Carla’s trying to get my attention and I have my headphones on. We sit with our backs to one another so I don’t always see her trying to talk to me. She loves this. And by love I mean hate. We also had to move some furniture around to accommodate Dave’s sofa. So the sectional is now in the family room and the love seat is now in the living room with another love seat and Dave’s couch. None of which match the other. Stylish! All of this is my long winded way of saying I’ve been in pain since the morning of the 26th (did I mention we did all of the furniture moving on the night of the 25th? No? Well, I just did.) because I hurt my back moving all of that stuff. This wasn’t a normal hurt back though because I’ve had that before (I’ve moved lots of heavy things that in turn have hurt me, chief among them: my stomach) and this pain is different because it is only limited to my lower left back. This is not what normally happens to me. And the pain when it came/comes, shoots down my left leg. Bonus! Since it usually goes away after a few days, I didn’t think anything of it. Just dealt with it the only way I knew how: move slow, add heat, curse profusely when the pain comes. But it didn’t go away. That’s when I called the Doctor.

- Doctor Happy Pills
I’m staring out the window of the second floor room where I wait for my Doctor to come in and tell me that I need to lose weight. There’s a man made body of water outside. I notice that there’s a bunch of dead fish in there and I quietly wonder who’s job it is to take those out. The doc comes in, asks me what’s wrong, takes some notes when I tell him, gives me an order to go get some x-rays taken and prescription for some pain killers. While I am happy that at least something will help me take the pain away (the over-the-counter stuff — Advil, Motrin, Aleve — was just not doing it) I also wished that I would have had a better idea as to what was going on. As I leave, I notice a man standing next to the lake thing with a net cleaning out the ex-fish. Much like my appointment’s outcome, I guess I was hoping for something a little more elaborate. Fun fact: He never said I needed to lose weight. I later ate two snickers bars while drinking a soda. Doctor’s (non) orders!

- Underwear choice comes into play
After my doctor’s appointment, I pick up the prescriptions and head down to where I’m to get my x rays taken. It’s not too far from home so I take the surface streets. I hate looking for places when I’ve never been there before but I always like going in them (unless they look spooky). Side Note: I like going in these places because if I didn’t have to I probably wouldn’t ever. This feeds into my fascination with the fact that there’s probably millions of buildings that I will never enter in my lifetime but, for other people, these same buildings might be a large part of their lives. I know that I’m essentially saying that I’m amazed that there’s a whole world going on out there but what I’m trying to say is that it’s the size of it that boggles my mind. There’s a lot of people and a lot of buildings out there. A lot of worlds I’m *not* involved in. Fascinating. I’m probably not explaining it as well as I could but it’s late and I’ve already taken the muscle relaxer mentioned in the above bullet point. Whee! end note After some time my name is finally called and I’m taken to the dressing area by a female… nurse? Not sure what to call her. Technician? Anywho, we get to the male dressing area where she tells me “Those pants need to come off” (cue bow-chikka-bow-bow). This statement is then followed by “Keep your underwear on” and “You’ll need to put on this gown with the back open and if you don’t feel covered enough you can put on this second one.” (kill the music). It’s at this point that I remember I’m wearing my Big Dog Las Vegas print boxer shorts. I could have gone with a solid color but no, I chose Vegas and once again, Vegas finds a way to screw me. *sigh* Later, when I’m with the x ray tech, I’m asked to lay down on a table where I’m sure she catches a glimpse of my poorly chosen underthings but she’s too much of a professional to mention it.  Upon later reflection she may have just been glad that I had them on at all.

- Football sucks. Again.
Still a little painful to think about but, the Cards didn’t make it to the Super Bowl. Al Davis has yet to shuffle off this mortal coil so conversely, the Raiders were the suck this year — AGAIN. I was close in my fantasy draft but, once again, no cigar. Re: Fantasy — I wonder when I’m going to learn my lesson almost as much as I wonder how long until the next draft. It’s a sickness.

So what’s the takeaway from all this? I would have to say that it comes down to a few things.

1. If you have to move furniture, don’t. If that’s unavoidable, get help.

2. Doctors occasionally say helpful things. Sometimes they don’t.

3. Porn situations very rarely happen in life. Also: It seems there’s no situation (outside of a funeral) that couldn’t be helped with a little background bow-chikka-bow-bow.

That is all. Cue the music.