The 254 Republican

COMING SOON... AGAIN

2011-12-06T18:36:00.001+03:00

After a long absence I am preparing a comeback that is bigger and better than sliced pineapples. A comeback so huge that it will catch you by shock. A comeback so... aaaah. Who am I kidding. I am not planing anything. Just finished my mihang'o meaning I have more time to spend here. So stay tuned as I get my creative juices flowing. Hopefully not down the drain pipe as is with many of my fellow Kenyans.
So before I go I want to let you know that I am on Twitter @Da254Republican . Follow me I follow you. And to also leave you with powerful message that a ninja once wrote to me using some invinsible ink.
It says this:

ATI WE NI MCHOYO HADI HAUWEZI UPDATE STATUS FB COS IYO BUTTON IMEANDIKWA 'SHARE'

2010-10-20T21:37:00.000+03:00

MASHUJAA DAY IS WAY OVERRATED!

2010-10-20T14:02:00.001+03:00

   In light of the new constitution, several Kenyan public holidays were done away with. That made me sad. Because I remember the times when the first of every month was a public holiday for something/someone I did not quite know well. All I enjoyed were the extended weekends and the general procrastination that would follow.

   Currently there are only three public holidays in a year. Madaraka (June 1th), Jamuhuri (Dec 12nd), Mashujaa (Oct 20st). Damn it! Only three! This new constitution sucks! One of them is today. Mashujaa Day is what they are calling it and it is a day set aside to honour the heroes and heroine that contributed to the struggle of independence/liberation. So what exactly do we celebrate on Madaraka Day and Jamuhuri Day? Isn't it the same thing? Celebrating independence. If we are trying to reduce the number of useless public holidays, then we should also get rid of these three. Then have only one public holiday a year. I suggest we call it Kenya Day. The day where we celebrate everyfuckingthing . Independence, rich MPs, unemployment, insecurity and so and so. Because let us just face it, having a Heroes Day is just an insult to those heroes.
   This is why I think so. In history class, we are always told of these freedom fighters like akina Dedan Kimathi, The Kapenguria Six, Mekatilili, Harry Thuku ... the list goes on. These guys fought physically , politically to ensure our struggle for our freedom. And what have we done for them? Some died in the struggle. What was there family done for them? Some are still alive despite senile? How and where are they living? Is the government 'taking care' of them? Do we even know them?
   Many of the old freedom fighters still live in the same condition they did as they fought because they are forgotten. Or maybe forsaken. Then once a year we have the audacity to set aside a day where we talk about how they sacrificed themselves for us. Spend a lot of money to make the celebration. Make jets wake me up from my beauty sleep. Then the following day is back to business. Or back to being jobless. And the freedom fighters crawl back to the hole from whence they came. Labda hata hawaishii kwa makeja you would expect a national hero to be living in.
   We are doing this whole hero thing wrong! If someone is your hero, they have saved you, they have contributed to the freedom you have everyday, so you should celebrate them everyday! And not just once a year in an overpriced event.
   Do not get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a day set aside for them. We can have the Heroes Day or Week or like the cancer awareness...Month. All I am saying is we do not forget the heroes the following days. Because if we do not appreciate them on normal days we are insulting them by having a day set aside for them. If its the independence heroes, the government should at least make them feel like heroes. The way we make the athletic heroes feel! Maybe even better.
   But from the way I get it, Mashujaa Day is not just to celebrate the independence heroes but just heroes in short. Anyone that you term as a hero. Whether its the company that has made millions and put Kenya on the map, like Safaricom. Or the the govenment that is working tirelessly to make this 254 Republic a better place. Or the education system that is fully equiped for all the education you need....
   These guys are making this day for everyone and everything. Regardless of it being good or bad. And that is why my hero today is ME! Mimi ni shujaa. I am my own hero! I am going to celebrate this day for me. By waiting for water to hit the taps as I revise for a unit that will not help my course by sending a please call me to a friend to tell him to meet me up in the library!
   Who is not your hero today?

ATI WEWE NI KIWETE HADI HAUWEZI KUKANYAGIA STORY!

2010-10-13T23:55:00.000+03:00

Mchongwano time. This made me laugh. Because I had never heard it before. And that is a crucial thing about how I like my mchongwanos...new to me. Those who do not understand this joke, do not worry. I will explain it to y'all and eventually lose the joke in translation and make this joke unfunny and utterly tasteless but you will get the message.

Wewe ni kiwete hadi hauwezi kanyagia story.

Direct translation

You are such a cripple that you can not step on a story.

By 'stepping on a story' (kukayagia story) they mean letting the story go, as in forgetting that you mentioned it.
You may find it improper that it is a joke involving cripples but I find it a way of accepting them in our social circles ( by jokes). In a way I am finding it hard to explain at the moment because I am tapped out. Spent like the whole day walking. Yes because I could not afford the fare.
So swali ya leo ni ( the question for the day is ) is it okay to make disabled mchongwanos? And can you share the ones that you have?

SIM CARD ERA.

2010-10-11T15:53:00.000+03:00

So everyone knows Safaricom are douche bags. But somehow we find it hard to leave them. Think of Safaricom as that abusive husband and you as the submissive wife. Who always get beaten the fuck up but cannot divorce him because he always tells you that he is better than any other man out there and there is no other option for you. So you just stick with him hoping and believing that one day he is going to change.
A pictorial description of what I am trying to say is here below

Spend less, browse more

orange.co.ke

Enjoy internet at the fastest speeds for as low as Ksh 150 a month

Bamba Unlimited

safaricom.co.ke

Buy one of the Bamba Unlimited bundles to get Unlimited Internet using your Safaricom Modem from as little as KSh 999 per month

I found this on my facebook side bar. The adverts were together like this. One following the other. A perfect way for those that cannot do comparisons without visuals.
The first option is Orange 3G internet at 150 Kensh per month and the second is Safaricom 3G Internet at 999 Kensh per month
Who the fuck goes for Safaricom? And why?

WANT TO GO SHOPPING IN GARISSA?

2010-10-10T22:05:00.000+03:00

Mimi na wasee wengine ka 7000000 wamebambika na I was alive on the 10/10/10 at 10:10 :].

   The date today is 10/10/10. That only happens once in like 8 Centuries, says someone famous on the internet. So we should celebrate this day harder than Obama's inauguration. I did not even bother to find out that we are one year away from the date 11/11/11. I just believed this famous person on the internet and decided to celebrate! It being a Sunday and me being lazy, I had very few celebratory ideas until my cuzo asked me to take him shopping at Garissa! Took a lot of convincing but finally I agreed. Figured it would help me give you guys a tour too.
    Garissa Eastleigh. That is the headquater of Somalis worldwide. Kenyan- Somali , Somalia -Somali, Somali pirates, Osama....
    All of them here. On like an hectare of land. All 2 million of them crammed up on that space. They converted this place over time to look like the original homeland! This place is dusty as hell! Or like the dry North Eastern. It can rain over night but 1 hour after it stops, you are choking in dust. Its like these Somalis carried even the sand from Lodwar to here.
   The sewage system has caved in due to the super increase in number. Sewage pumps burst like like Chrismas balloons every so often. You might consider yourself like if a manhole blows up near you and does not spray shit on you, but then a speeding matatu namba 9 will come splash everything on you. And that, my friend, is not a good way to start your morning! Trust me I know. The sewage floods the roads and corrodes them leaving potholes the size of Toyota Vitzs. Makes you wonder what foods this cushites eat to produce shit that corrodes tarmac. That is CUSHIT for you.
   Something else them Somalis have brought to Eastleigh, apart from refuges and pirated stuff of course, is buildings. They erect storeyed building anywhere anytime. And they are put up very fast. You can watch these building grow if you stand there long enough. There is this Amaco Shopping Mall, I left them doing the 1st floor when I went to town, then came back to find them already building the 4th floor. True story.
   So anyway, a trip to Garissa is a very adventurous trip for someone who is new there. You have to treat the area like a deserted land mine field. Making calculated steps because a misstep can land you in deep shit. If you are driving to Garissa then make sure its in a huge tough car because we have seen the Vitz toys dissappering in intentionally-opened manholes. You will be stuck there, seeping in waste as 'passerbys' ask you how much you are willing to pay them to get you out of the shituation.
   If you are walking, and this is what I would recommend, be careful of how you walk. Take care not to step on anything that is not dry. Dont assume that puddle of 'water' that looks like an inch deep is an inch deep. Be careful of matatus that use foot paths because they do not want to use the pot holed roads. Before crossing even a oneway lane, be sure to look right, then left, then behind you, then right again, then behind you , then left . Then cross the road, while still looking everywhere randomly. These namba 9s and 4s pop up from fucking nowhere and stop right in your face with their annoying parariraz.
   So once you are in First Avenue, you have now to start to put humans in the equations. Deal with bad roads, badly driven matatu, smell of sewage, and now a lot of people filling the streets and noise! Everyone is screaming. Gikomba people have moved here I tell you.

Beba na fifty!

Mia , mbili!

Mia mbili!

Yes there is a difference.

After a while , when you become accoustomed, it will all sound like white noise. Look forward to that Avoid buying from the streets however. If its 80 bob in the streets, its probably 50 bob in that new stall that has just gotten finished 12 minutes ago.

   A quick guide on how I found the stalls to be arranged. Outside, of a shopping centre like AMAL where hawkers fill the streets with merchandise. If they are clothes, they are the cliche ones. Fake labels but everyone is freaking wearing them. Here you can get green Bluetooth jeans. Unfinished Internet shirts. Galvin Klein boxers. Xuakiangai 'leather' shoes. Etc etc. These stuff are cheap yes, but you can get them cheaper inside the stalls if you go to the basement, where they are sold in bulk. Personally I am not a huge fan of nguo za lebo, either fake or original, but if the cheap ones do it for you well and good.
   The first floor is a continuation of unheard of, but weirdly popular clothes. Cheap. Again not my taste. Not because of the fake ass quality but because of the attitude of the Somali sellers. The are so rude and I never really bother with them. You can go to one and ask about a clothing and he will just look at you. And give you a look to tell you that you cannot afford it. I hate that. That and the fact that they cannot speak neither English nor Kiswahili. If you are going to do a business here, learn at least one of the languages you ungrateful refugees.
   Second floor is the place to be. Authentic wear. No ignorant Somali. I find the best clothes from the Ethiopians and Sudanese. Their shit is just the bomb. And their price is going to blow your mind. Pricey.
   Third floor is just blank space. Claimed to be still under construction but everyone knows that is where the pirates come hide the loot and where refugees sleep. In some complexes, they claim that there are lodges but I would not risk spending a night there because it looks like the places where unalala alafu unashtukia umekufa. Them fuckers have gone and harvested all your organs.
   So there you have it. A guide to the rapidly growing Eastlando super mega structures. Pay them a visit and see if it is anything close to what I just described and if you have ever been there please refute or share your experiences.

TESTING 1 2 3

2010-10-05T22:39:00.002+03:00

After many days of trying, I think I have done it. You can now 'like' my posts on Facebook in such a way that your wall shows something like

Manywele likes the post: UNIQUE-ITY on The 254 Republican.

It took a lot of my brain cells to come up with that so I hope you guys will use it. To show appreciation that is. Because I have spent a lot of seconds learning things like closing, xmlns , sijui nini, sijui nini. And I am still not confident on repeating the whole process so I hope you enjoy. As usual, be Kenyan! (sign off fail

UNIQUE-ITY

2010-10-05T18:55:00.001+03:00

So yesterday I needed to see a friend who studies law in Parklands School of Law UoN but I did not know how to get there. Call me geographically incorrect. I am very bad with directions. I figured that instead of asking for directions ( I am stubborn like that) I could just Google it. For some reason, The Nairobi University Parklands Campus in not on Google Maps. I asked the friend to tag me in his locating and this is what I got.

   There is actually a university called Inoorero University! Wow! Talk about kukosa jina. Of all the words in the mothertongue dictionary.
   At first I thought it was a Law inside joke that I obviously do not get until I physically reached there and saw that is was true. Inoorero University. Formerly KSPS. Kenya School of Probably Something.
   I spent the whole day (two minutes) trying to figure out why someone would call their school that and how many really take that school seriously? I mean, do people get laughed at when they say they go to school there?

Niko Poly. We Uko?

Inoorero.

Ati wapi? Nauliza uko chuo gani?

Si Inoorero.

Sawa its in Othero but what is called?

Yaani in short that is a weirdly long argument to have so probably the students there just say

Niko colle fulani huko Parki

and hope that the asker does not need more details because he will probably confuse it with the Law School. Because this is Kenya and we like to look down upon things that are local. We find the name Inoorero disgusting when in reality it is the most unique university name I have heard ever! Took me a second (two minutes) to realise it but I did.
Most of the university names are either a person's name ( Moi , Strathmore , Kenyatta), locational ( Nairobi, Mt Kenya,) or just a a collection of initials and acronyms that confusing if you are Usually Slow in Understanding. But a unique name such as Inoorero University, iyo sijawahi skia. That is why I am loving that university right now. So Kenyan! Just hope its not all bantus get admitted in it and they do not actually teach in Kikuyu either. Because lets face it, albeit unique, it sounds like a place that would do that. But before I jump to more bashing, what does inoorero mean?

P.S Can someone put Parklands Campus on the map.

TESTING 1 2 3

2010-10-04T11:55:00.001+03:00

This is just a post ya kubahatisha on how to put a like button after each of and at the same time give an option to share it on Facebook. A tricky task especially for a niggaro like me who has learnt no programming language whatsoever. So I will have to like this post a lot before I actually get it right. If I ever will that is.
So here goes spamming and annoying flooding like you have never seen before. Haha! Who am I kidding. You have seen it before

MALENGE NI TAMU by Tell Em Its Me.co.ke

2010-10-02T21:15:00.000+03:00

They say Hip Hop is dead and if that is true Soulja Boy is trying to kill the coffin where Hip Hop lays. Pushing the grave 13 feet under. Making the corpse rot faster. In short what I'm trying to say is he chucks whack tracks! Ako down. Amebeat. Everything about him is down. But what would you expect from a nigga who calls himself Soulja Boy Tell Em.com? (the .com is silent!!!) Or SoB for short? Of course nothing but bubblegum music, music that tastes good for two seconds but leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth later. Crunk. It is very unfortunate that he sells so much, earning way way WAY more money than people who really matter in this world. Like surgeons. Or Esther Arunga. Or that poor bloke who invented Twitter.......

   But I guess he wouldn't be where he is without us. We enable him. Make him believe that repeating the title of a song for 3 and a half minute is the best thing that happened to us since Safaricom The Beated Option. So i guess the real problem aint him. Its with us. Actually its us. We are the problem. Every we of us who screams whenever the nigga says repeatedly (but with different intonation) words like ....I miss you for 4 minutes.
   And just to prove how much of a retard he is (and we are) i'm gonna make up a 4 minute song right now. I will not strain myself thinking about it at all. I'm just going to look around and.....oh what do we have here? We are having pumpkin for dinner. I bet that can make a great song. But what will i call myself? I'll just tell them its me.
Here goes.
   The following Hip Hop-cum-Crunk-cum Lokali (haha. I said cum) song is dedicated to all the beautiful warembo ndani ya nyumba. Its called MALENGE NI TAMU by Tell Em Its Me.co.ke (the .co.ke is NOT silent)

(verse 1)

Sema eh? Alafu ah!

Haiya twende, malenge ni tamu nasema malenge ni..... tamu (x4)

kama umewahi kula malenge basi unajua ni.....(backup bitches moan....TAMU!)

kusema ukweli sijui kwa nini malenge ni......(Bitches .....Tamu)

kama haujawahi, kula malenge uskie u......(Tamu)

mi hupenda sana kula malenge kwa sababu ni.....Tamu

chorus

malenge ni tamu? (backup responds tamu sana) (x14)

(verse 2)

Ilikuwa Jumapili niliona kidosho mtamu alikuwa anaka kama malenge.....(tamu)

nilikaribia kidosho hichi nikamwambia. Baby, kiss me thro the phone. Akanipa namba yake na ilikuwa 07516253643. Tamu.

Nikamwambia mpenzi uko YU (tamu)

Akasema hata mimi niko juu juu mi ni m....(tamu)

Nikamuuliza excuse me una malenge? (tamu?)

Akasema malenge ni tamu

(chorus)

(Hook)

(with soft voice) Ohhhhhhhh! Malenge. Nakupenda ndi ndi ndi. Mhh! Aha! Oh yes! Ni mimi. Oh baby.

Kwasababu na penda malenge tamu....malenge tamu....malenge tamu.....(fades for till 4 minutes reaches or I'm out of breath. Which ever comes last.)

........The End.......

Its as easy as that. Now all i have to do is look for a producer to produce my absolute crap cos he knows he will get rich off me......who has Clemo's namba?

Extracted from my Facebook notes, written long ago. When Esther Arunga was still hot and undemeanted.

FACEBOOK WIN OF THE DAY

2010-09-29T17:30:00.000+03:00

The best thing about Facebook is you can sometimes get friends that come up with stuff that they didn't Google copy paste

WARU ZIMEPANDA BEI

2010-09-29T16:32:00.000+03:00

Among all my cravings, bhajia is the sweetest. And not just bhajia from any fast food shop and especially not from Jasho Fish and Chips. Specifically from a walalo joint in California, Eastleigh known as Califryz. The spelling might be wrong but the pronunciation is on point. And so is the food they fry. I do not know what these cushites put in them potatoes but hata kama ni kikohozi let them not stop! Which is to say the potatoes are fried the right amount of nice. Fuck Sanford or RedRobin or Caprice or Heartz or those other fancy pancy places in town.

They are golden brown and look like they were cut with an artist. Perfect circle disks.! They are mafutaless even if they were removed from the frying pan a second ago. These guys redefine the term kukausha! Before them, I could go to buy chiken from KenChic and be told,

ngoja kidogo niikaushe

Then the chef goes on to dip the peice of chicken in the pan for a while then bringing back, greasier than a maafaka! I never got the logic behind it. Dipping chiken in cooking oil in order to dry it!? Are you sure?
But then I was introduced to Califryz. Kumbe the KenChic people were doing it all wrong! Bhajia actually dries up when dipped in the oil by these walalos. Magic right there .

I couldn't how exactly they look on Google so just imagine these only ten times better than perfect

   I have been burning my money there everyday while on holiday except this holiday. I am just living on the ~~coke~~ broke side of life this holz. But today, I managed to give birth to a whopping 50 bob! I felt like I had had multiple orgasms! Kupata chwani extra time ya lunch nikiwa home!!!! I went straight to my joint! Only to receive bad news.
   No, It was not closed because muslims were not still fasting! It was worse than that. They had raised the MFing price. It was as if I was the one keeping the place running, with my daily buying. Now that I had stopped going there, they were almost going bankrupt! I tried bargaining (Bei yako ya mwisho?) but it didnt work! They could not get rid of the extra 10 bob!
   I stood there like an idiot and the best I could do is ask retarded questions

bhajia si 50 bob?

apana ni shilingi sitini. chips ndio hamsini

Crap! hadi chipo imepanda

mbona imepanda ivo?

viazi vimekuwa ghali sana.

Ati?

Waru zimepanda bei

POINTLESS BLUBBER

2010-09-28T23:47:00.001+03:00

   You can go ahead and skip this post. Today I have nothing good to say. I woke up vibaya and that just messed up my day.
   News that interested me today...um lets see. um. I got rained on.. no flu tho.. um, Yeah. Yu has a new call rate.
   To call abroad using Yu is 2.49 bob. Which means that calling Obama is cheaper than calling my mom! When the CCR told me this I asked her if she has any US phone numbers she can give me so that I call to utilize this offer. Unfortunately, she did not have any with her. But between you and me, I think she was lying. Next.
   What is in fashion these few days in Kenya is liking random Facebook pages. My homepage is filled with stuff like

   Manywele likes I LOVE BEING SINGLE (for real) and Primary School A+, High School B+, University "How many marks do I need to pass?"

Manywele likes "Who Is That Sexy Beast? Oh, I Clicked On My Own Profile Again." (Non-profit).

NEWS SHIT

2010-09-27T17:04:00.000+03:00

     Today is one of those days that supper collides with the 9 O'Clock news. So, as I ate my deliciously prepared white shit, I took the delightful opportunity to catch up on the news. Nothing caught my attention at first, it was all politics this and politics that. I heard my university mentioned on a story that involved Nuclear power in Kenya! That is a scary thought! Do we really want to do that now? Think about it. We are greedy pigs and we will look for ways to steal the money required to build the generators. So it is a safe bet that they will blow up in future.It would be probably safe to live a safe distance from the blast radius to avoid poisonous waves or radiation or whatever.

   So after the news, they brought what they call News Shot. This is a KTN news parody that I guess is supposed to equate to news parodies like The Daily Show by Jon Stewart. It does not even come close. Even if you combine it with the NTV news parody that is called Bull Shit. Sorry I mean Bulls Nuts. Wait! maybe its Bull's Ass. Okay. I completely forget but I am sure its a part of a Bull.
   Those shows suck. There main aim is to recap the weeks' news in a funny light hearted way. Turn something serious to a joke. I get that. No problem. That is by definition what a parody is. Right? I guess! My main issue is the way they try to make it funny. Maybe its just me, but it comes of as irritating to me. Kwanza the narattors voice!! Ai. Wacha tu. The nigga sounds like an automated voice responder. Very mechanical. Like all those Kenyan news reporters talk. Putting pauses where I they should NOT be. The stresses are all fucked up. I think they are trained to talk like that because there is no way that it is a coincidence that every field reporter talks like the has a diesel generator up their arses.
   So that is my beef with the news today. We get that they might not actually be funny these parodies, but at least could the narrator first talk in a normal tone before they decide to air another show? Maybe that is why I do not find the shows any funny. The narrator himself is not. Just bloody annoying! Makes me want to eat my supper smiling!
   So to you reader I ask. What is the most annoying thing you find in News Eye or Bull Shit?

MANYWELE GOES TO THE KINYOZI

2010-09-27T16:17:00.001+03:00

   In accordance to a new life plan I am planning to start, my long hair had to drop. No more keeping long hair for a year like I have been doing since high school, hence the moniker Manywele. I am thinking of keeping the name however for ironical purposes. A guy called Manywele who has no hair! It will be like the way the most paid guys in Kenya (MPs) don't pay taxes. Anyway I thought of describing the days event.

   See I live at my aunt's in Eastleigh aka Islii aka Isili aka Isich. Where men wear long white dresses and walk while holding hands. This is not a jab at muslimism. Just at gayism. But in my defence, high school made me very homophobic. So much that even the gays that were in there were homophobic! Long story short, I find it very weird when men walk while holding hands with other men. I am not saying that Muslims are the ones with this habit. Its just that this is home so its where I see it most. But if you think about it a lot, its pretty gay! right?

   Due to the exponential population increase (these Somalis are really procreating) the major amenities are had to come by. Like water. We have been having severe water problems for long and we may sometimes result to buying it. Up to 100 KenSh for a mtungi of water from hao watu wa mkokoteni! You know the water is not clean (from a sewage maybe) but nothing to do. Except making sure you don't use that water to cook. Wash clothes maybe. This constant lack of water made it hard for me to keep my year-long hair. I have to wash my hair every time I showered and this consumed a lot of water comparing to what we have so it had to be off with hair. Of course there were other reasons but that was the major.

   There is this barber shop that I am used to that is the neighbourhood so I decided to head there. I do not like trying out new stuff so I can not try any other barbershop because there are two possibilities, it could either be worse or better than the one I am used to. I figure the pessimistic choice was a safer bet! On the way, I couldn't help but wish that I had worn slippers. The road was very dusty and since it was end month the sewage had burst. When the sewage is at its most there is a water shortage! Coincidence? I am working on a conspiracy, will post it later.

   I find a queue and had to wait on a bench outside. I sat there enjoying the view. Dust had filled the air so my view wasn't very clear but I could see Mama Mboga preparing lunch in the open for her customers. Albeit sweet, her ugali is always brown. I dunno why. Haha. Next to her was a butchery. In the evening the butcher would start selling mutura also in the open air. The dust sticks on it so much until it dries up but goddamn its sweet. I made a mental note to come for some in the evening. I then started scouting for hot chicks but that too was not fun . Being in Isili you will find that most residents are Muslim so that means looooong black buibuis, masked faces and covered hair. Leaving only the eyes,which don't do it for me anymore.

   I asked for the day's paper since there was nothing that was making me happy as I waited. I had no phone or music player so I could not listen to music as I waited. So I grab the paper and the headlines:

. Wow that sure as hell made me even unhappier! MPs not in the mood of paying tax.!They still don't see themselves paying tax despite their ridiculously high salaries! I stopped reading that story and opened page two. Even more depressing! i read that the CEO of Safaricom, which I really hate for its vulturistic high prices, earns over 300 million KenSh annually! What the fuck! Before I could move to another, probably sad, news it was my turn at the chair.

Since I don't like surprises, I asked the barber how much he would charge me despite the fact that I knew it was 30 bob! Lo and behold, it was not. 50 bob, he said! When did they raise the price? Anyway, I decided that this, unlike the MP shit, was some injustice I could deal with so I turned to the classic

Bei yako ya mwisho?

   Yes I bargained. 20 shillings extra was beyond what I was willing to spend on losing something I liked. He let it go as long as he wouldn't wash my head afterwards! When did they start washing heads after shaving? I swear I am the most uninformed (read ignorant) nigga in this 254 republic.

   I have a fear of looking at myself at the mirror so I was very uncomfortable in that room. Mirrors everywhere. I had to look at myself and shit! Brrrrrrr!

   No sooner had he gotten the left side of my head started started than the lights disappered. Every one screamed curse words at K(enya)P(ower &) L(ighting) C(ompany) at the same time out of reflex! It worked, they came back almost immediately! I was glad. Did not want to go home with a retarded looking mohawk like sometime back when KPLC did that for longer than necesary.

  Anyway, I told him to reduce it kabisa. He did and asked if he should give me a cut. You know what a cut is right.? Where he streamlines the edges of the hair or what ever you want to call it. He had to ask because I am probably the only customer of his that doesn't wekwa cut. This was because of my phobia of balding. They (who?) say that a cut would increase my chances of me being bald. Ati because if you get it regularly, that part will lose hair and next time the kinyozi would cut you a little further in and this will eventually lead to a kipara on the forehead. I knew this was not a valid fact! Its all genetics or whatever. But see, my dad had a kipara and I know I am getting one too so why not prolong the process as much as possible?

   But today, fuck that crazy retarded rumor so I got one!

weka cut lakini si nyuma

Cos that would just make look like confused negro. I regretted that decision as soon as he finished with the cut. It was not symmetrical. Shit! Was it because I wasn't paying full price or was this mirror playing tricks on me? I paid the man, chini ya maji so that the other customers don't realise that they could get shaved at a cheaper price. I walked out an the breeze and the spirit on my head make me feel a chill. I passed by a shop to feed my addiction of crisps that I am currently nurturing. Spent the 20 bob I had just saved. Then tiptoed my way back to the house, in order not to step on the shit that was all over the road!

Of course the first one to make fun of my clear head was my sister but I didn't mind. I am expecting many more cracks at me in near future!

HUMAN TRAFFICKING IN KENYA

2010-09-22T12:37:00.001+03:00

   A few days ago we were shocked by the investigative reporters when they claimed that there were people that were going around stealing dead peoples dicks. At first we all like, What the fuck!? But seconds later, since Kenyans are sadistic fucks, we turned it into a joke and social networks like Facebook and Twitter were the media. No doubt some jokes were funny despite them being recycled. Some said that is how those 'Increase Your Manhood' clinics do it. Some said to watch out where you buy your mutura these days. Others even went on to make graphical representation on the same. What I , and probably some of you, was asking myself is, what is the use of a dead dick? Its not like they can transplant it or anything since they didn't know how old the cadaver is. Or did they? I was shocked to read yesterdays Daily Nation,

   So somehow I found myself with yesterdays paper and decided to angalia mapicha tu (like I always do cos I really dont like reading how my MP is screwing us over the promises they made) and fell upon the cover story of DN2. The Organ Mechants.

Spoiled my morning it did. They are saying that Kenya has joined in the mix of human trafficking where they sell organs to donors in the black market. A healthy kid (like my bro) can fetch up to 12 mil they say. Whoa! Apparently according t Interpol, this is the largest earner of illegal money across the world after narcotics and arms.
   But since they are selling to need the organs to work there is a certain period by which the organs must be harvested from the corpse. Organs like lungs are useless if the cadaver is more than 2 days old. So either the thugs angukia a newly deceased person or they make a newly deseased person. Frankly, I believe the latter. They are killing people cos they are worth more dead that alive. 12 mil a kid! Wow!
   This made me remember the serial killer Onyancha, you remember that one? The Kenya Dexter that claimed he would stop at a hundred? We have been told that he was caught at the 19th killing but not all the bodies were found. So I am thinking that maybe the rest had been harvested and discarded. Maybe even he actually did reach his goal of 100, cos the way I got it, this dude was not demenented or anything! Had good English and shit. Yaani the nigga looked learned! Maybe he was calm and collected like that cos he had made all that he could and somehow didn't care that he was caught cos he had achieved his life dreams?
   I am just saying, all those reports of missing persons and capturing of a serial killer then missing dead bodies......! Leads to swali zingine ngumu sana. So among all the things I am afraid of I have to add 'getting my organs harvested' to the list! They say that when relatives go to get their deseased from the morgue they have to do a body search! This is not the 'what extra stuff is he bringing inside the club?' kind of search. More like the 'what the hell is he not bringing?' kind. So not only are you sad that your loved one has moved on, you have also to be afraid that some body parts have moved on like him! Sad.
   But still, there is a ray of hope.... um being looked for! I am not sure what the police are doing about it . Maybe they are I am just saying I dunno! So just be careful out there. Don't accept some tricky job offers, dont be sleeping with strangers..... aaaaah. Who am I kidding? Kenyans are so jobless that any hint of a job they will hunt it like a gazelle tricks or no tricks. And the ones with jobs cannot resist chips funga cos ni wengi tu sana! So I guess all the work goes to gava. Lets see how that goes!

read the whole story online

SAFARICOM INTERNET

2010-09-22T08:17:00.000+03:00

Safaricom, Ltd is a leading mobile network operator in Kenya blah blah blah

That is how Wikipedia, the free online dictionary starts off describing Safaricom. Anyone that isnt Kenyan is obviously unaware of how Kenyans describe Safaricom. Some call them 'thieves', some 'thugs' , others 'wezi ' or just any other synonym of 'money-hungry hyneas. That is what the majority of youth call them. Majority being my 200 friends on Facebook. The same majority are still the ones that continue to make Safaricom the leading mobile network operator in Kenya. We Kenyans are very funny (read stupid). We complain and complain about the high cost, non existent offers and poor customer care but wont move to a provider that fits our needs, like Yu or Orange or Zain. We have all their sim cards but they are not always the default one. Otherwise Safcom (as we passionately call it) would not be the leading whatever.

There are a lot of bad things I personally find about Safaricom and I cannot fit in this post. But there is one that I came across today and thought it was worth a mention. Safaricom Internet.

And I am not talking about the 3G network that they claim to have. The one that they had modems that claimed that they can go at 7.2 MBps. Oh how I laughed at the fact that people believed this. No I will diss the 3G later. Now what is bugging me is what they call bundles. Safaricom normally charges 8 KenSh per megabyte. That translates to 32 shillings per song downloaded .If you download a (700MB) movie it will cost you KenSh 5600 and this is hoping the website that you are getting it from does not charge you also!!! I would rather spend that much to go to Nyali watch that movie in a 3D theater, come back then use the rest of the money to buy a China phone!!

Of course other providers have data rates even a third of what Safariconm charges but people are so hooked on Safcom, like it is a drug, to even notice. Its like their (green) sim cards are made of weed that gets you high with when you burn it by spending credit! In an effort to convince us that the are The Bitter Option, oh sorry, I mean The Better Option, they introduced something they call bundles, which is supposed to mean that you get a lot of data for a reduced price. Well, Safcom lived to that definition but the price thing still bites me.

There are three options aka bundles that they have.

prices for the most ecpensive wireless internet in the world

The one have an issue with most is the last one. I gig for 3K. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuiiiiiiii? If you dont get why I am appalled by this, let me explain! Say the Safcom 3G modem could do the 7 MBps speed like the say. ..No that is impossible lets give it a 5. Okay. At 5 Megabytes per second, it would take 3 minutes to reach 1 GB and so one is spending KenSh 1000 per minute ! And the award for the Most Expensive Cyber Cafe goes to.... (drumroll....)......
   1000 shillings per minute.!! If you tell someone like that they wont even consider buying it . Even that CK guy wont. I am even leaning towards Bill Gates telling MJ to go fuck himself with that modem . But the rate is almost same in all the bundles (avoid the 700MB one please) so why am I against the 1 gig bundle?
   This is why. If you are easy on spending 3 K on internet and choose Safaricom as your ISP either you are a rich fool or it is not your money. I can get unlimited wireless internet for half as much! Cabled internet for even cheaper! So why cant you? If you are are willing to spend 3 grand a day, you can even afford a much faster internet from guys like KDN. You will get your own satellite dish and stuff!!
   But you may claim that Safaricom internet is cheap for the speeds it gives. This might be true if Safcom actually reached such speeds. They have to reduce the speeds (probably cos they dont have the bandwidth) so that you do not notice how fast your money is going down the drain. They have set different speeds for different bundles. They are calling it the out of bundle speed. Tried calling CCR for detaills but wako mteja

What does out of bundle effing mean?

You might then try to convince yourself something like,

Aaa! Dude! 32Kbps is so slow that I can have this bundle for months you guy.

   That would also be true because that would make it cheaper than the 1500 per month ISPs out there, no doubt. But then Safcom swoops in to fuck you again! Their terms and conditions stipulate that a bundle expires in one month! Which means that if you have not used a byte of your bundle in 30 days, it will all M-Potea!! Wow! I dunno about you but to me that is a tad restrictive. These terms and conditions are very constraining don't you think?
   Of course you think so and you still surf with Safaricom. You know all these facts but you have somehow come to delude yourself that you can manage it. If you can, good for you, and please hire me to be grooming your poodle and taking it for walks in the park. But if you cannot, switch to cheaper internet, it is out there you just need to go get it.
   What I am saying in short is, Safaricom is not to blame. We are. They have done exactly what they need to as a business. Adverts are freaking everywhere making you believe that they are indeed The Better Option. I gotta hand it to them for that. The have good PR or whatever.
  So my last words to you republican is please avoid going for what kills you. And please tell me the most annoying thing about your mobile INTERNET provider. Nini hukubore sana na intenet yako?
PS. Check out what Safcom are saying you can do with 1 GB

yeah right

STEREOTYPING

2010-09-20T16:08:00.000+03:00

This is just a post to enhance a tribal joke I heard earlier . Goes something like this.

ati wasapere ni wezi hadi ukigoogle onyango aliiba simu itasema 'Did you mean "Kamau" aliiba simu.

I thought I how funny would it be if it were actually true. So I tried to see if it was true!! I was shocked with what I found out.

Either Google or my comp is being very tribal here

Full screen version. See down there there is a sheng' translation. Google rocks

Click on the image to see a larger version

This is just one of the many stereotyping that is against Kikuyus cos it implies that these guys are thugs. Obviously not all of them are. Even maybe the percentage of them that are have thuggery tendancies is lower than some tribes. it is just that Kikuyus are so many in Kenya that even a one percent would be excess.
Stereotyping is bad. Bad sometimes it sure is funny. I hope Kenyans learn how to take a joke!

POST YA FAO

2010-09-20T15:34:00.001+03:00

In the spirit of addiction, I got my self another blog. That is a score for addictions. So now this makes it a total of what? 6..7 oooth? I dunno , I lost count. Any way, I decided I needed a blog that is all Kenyan and just Kenyan. to celebrate the fact the fact that I did not choose do be born here but I was anyway!! Kenya rocks.
Obviously I will be talking about the down side of being Kenyan. Okay I dunno why that is obvious, its not like I am a pessimist or something! Oh wait! .......Naaaaaa. No *cough* I am not.

But Kenya really is a wonderful country. we are recognised and shit!! for instance our MPS are the most paid in the world. That means Kenya is the richest country! Either that or it has the dumbest voters.!!
It also has the best security!! Its not like people get away with killing as much as other countries. When you make a kill list of 100 people, we are confident that you will be caught by the time you will like the 40th person. That is guaranteed
The calling rates are great. No wait. I am not even going to be sarcastic about that. Safaricom is fucking killing us. And we are so hooked on it that we dont fuckin realise it.
Masomo ni tamu! We got free education so everyone has a chance to get to school and learn all the important stuff. Like riotting, throwing stones, setting things on fire and so and so. If you have time, you can actually get a real education. Haha . Kidding. Why read when you can get examination leaks, bribe teachers and of course mwakenya! Aaaaa. Mwakenya! where would I be without you? That's right!! Still in form 2!!!
And the most important people in Kenya do not get paid like they deserve. Like teachers. Kwanza those Nursery and Kindergarten teachers. I think those are the ones that are supposed to get paid the most because they take a lot of shit!!! Showing a class of like 30 kids how to hold a pencil, individual and trying to convince them to do something their teacher is calling 'writing' is just hard. To me it is. I guess they could be paid more if somehow got a way to increase revenue! Just dont tax the Mps or get them to reduce their salary. That would just be inhumane!! Who does that!
Anyway that is just a few of the things that bite me about this 254 Republic aka Kenya aka Nchi ya Masonko aka Nchi ile Obama Alizawako!
So follow me take a cynical view what is great bout Kenya and dont hesitate to tell me what you think. I am open to ideas so that I sont be those people that talk about a problem but dont do anything about it. No i am not talking about Mps. I am talking of even the others that do this.
PS. I did not proof read or edit this post. Mainly because I am using a cyber. Partly because I hating reading for long . partly partly because I want ro see I many mistakes I make. Something MPs dont do.

The 254 Republican

COMING SOON... AGAIN

ATI WE NI MCHOYO HADI HAUWEZI UPDATE STATUS FB COS IYO BUTTON IMEANDIKWA 'SHARE'

MASHUJAA DAY IS WAY OVERRATED!

ATI WEWE NI KIWETE HADI HAUWEZI KUKANYAGIA STORY!

SIM CARD ERA.

Sponsored

WANT TO GO SHOPPING IN GARISSA?

Mimi na wasee wengine ka 7000000 wamebambika na I was alive on the 10/10/10 at 10:10 :].

TESTING 1 2 3

UNIQUE-ITY

TESTING 1 2 3

MALENGE NI TAMU by Tell Em Its Me.co.ke

FACEBOOK WIN OF THE DAY

WARU ZIMEPANDA BEI

POINTLESS BLUBBER

Manywele and 4 other friends like JOIN SO WE CAN PROVE THAT MORE THAN 1,000,000,000 WORSHIP GOD IN THE WORLD! (Local business).

NEWS SHIT

MANYWELE GOES TO THE KINYOZI

HUMAN TRAFFICKING IN KENYA

SAFARICOM INTERNET

STEREOTYPING

POST YA FAO