[October 7th, 2009: About twelve hours before she made her appearance, Delilah did her best to get Nigel Lithgow's attention while Scott and I watched So You Think You Can Dance. If you look closely, you can catch a quick cameo by the remnants of a recently devoured bowl of Pineapple. Oh, pregnancy.][also, this video is kind of long. sorry about that. you'll get the gist pretty quickly.]
She’s five months old today, and I still can’t believe she’s mine. Five months ago, she was listening to my heartbeat from the inside, and I didn’t even know her yet. Five months ago, I had so many fears. I mean, I was terrified of labor, but that was barely scratching the surface of my angst. Five months ago, I was also terrified of Delilah.
During the final weeks of my pregnancy, I became overwhelmed by the realization that there was a fully cooked baby in my belly, just waiting to come out. I could feel every bit of her, her tiny arms, her legs, her adorable butt – all poking out here and there around my abdomen. What had started in my ovary, had become my daughter (with a little help from Scott) and she was coming out whether I was ready or not. Oftentimes, in those final weeks, the feeling in the pit of my very swollen stomach was a resounding NOT.
I spent a lot of time wondering what it would feel like when I held her for the first time. I had a hard time not projecting my own grown-up emotions onto her – I thought about how scary it would be to be born, coming from the womb into the world without warning, suddenly bright and cold with people all over you – suctioning, cleaning, weighing… In the final weeks of my pregnancy, I would lay awake at night (between pees) obsessing about what the birth experience would be like for the both of us. I worried about our first moments together. Would I know what to say? What to do? Would she know who I was? Would I cry? I would rub my belly and give her pep talks, as if the anxiety I was feeling wasn’t my own.
When she was born, neither of us cried. They put her on my chest before they even suctioned her out, and she just reached towards my face, looking up at me with those crazy blue eyes of hers, like she knew she was home. I knew it too. There was no awkward “how-do-you-do?” This was my daughter. The fruit of my loins. The cause of all my future gray hairs. I whispered “Hi Delilah, Hi Baby…we did it” over and over, and in the moment, it was the perfect thing to say. The beauty of giving birth is that it’s hard work, and you know without a shadow of a doubt that that baby is working just as hard as you are to finally FINALLY join you in the world and complete your family. At least, that was how I felt, while I was laboring down in the wee hours of the morning, white-nuckling the bedrails while Scott stroked my hair and my sister held my popsicle. We were in this together, Dee and me, and we were going to conquer my fears, get her born, and then Scott and I were going to raise the fuck out of that kid…I was suddenly fearless.
When I don’t have faith in myself, Delilah has it for me. She doesn’t doubt me. She doesn’t wonder if I know how to fix what’s hurting her. Because when I pick her up from her crib in the middle of the night, and she rests her head on my shoulder, nuzzling into the crook of my neck, she’s putting her confidence in me unconditionally, confirming for me with every sweet little hum as I rock her back to sleep: I am her Mommy. I am her safe place. And I am doing my damnedest to make sure that life in this big bad world is just how she hopes it will be.
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After some speculation that the picture of Eva and Dee posted below looked like it could have been a picture of Marissa and I some 28 years ago, I had no choice but to steal my baby album from my parents house. What do you think? Dead ringers? (Yes, I have pointy ears. And yes, I thank baby Moses in his basket every day that Dee didn’t inherit them.)
Also, totally unrelated, I have to show you guys this picture of Dee wearing the beanie Sara made for Scott, because it just about killed me:
(You’ll notice there are full-on bumpers in her crib now. I borrowed my Mom’s after she started flipping like a pancake in there and it became clear that breathables were not going to prevent her from bashing her head into the rails and waking up screaming from every nap.)
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Eva can’t get enough of little Dee. She gave her a bottle of breast milk, and “shhh shhh shhh’d” her until she fell asleep in her lap. In a lot of ways, Eva was my first baby love. She was the first newborn I ever snuggled with. I still remember the moment Marissa called me to tell me she was pregnant (I was walking into the Best Buy in West Hollywood, and for some reason the minute I heard my sister’s voice, I knew exactly what she was calling to say.) I was there when Eva was born, and when we found out we were going to have Dee, Eva was probably the person Scott and I were most nervous to tell.
Watching her with Delilah is incredible. She carefully selected the toys she’d outgrown, placing them out in front of baby Dee, explaining to her all the best parts of the Farm play set she shared with her sister and the stuffed horses she keeps in a basket at Grandma’s house. The massive love she shows this baby is amazing and Marissa tells me that sometimes when she tucks her into bed at night, Eva whispers that she misses Dee.
On Saturday, Eva played with her friend Rosie, the two of them collapsing in inexplicable giggles whenever anyone else entered the room. Sunday morning, Sara and Dash came by for breakfast. It was incredible to watch them all together, Miss Eves is such a big girl now, towering over the sea of little ones, quietly complaining that “everyone is moving everything I’m doing” as they played with Dee’s doll house (Eva and Lolo putting all the dolls to bed, while Dashy tinkered with the tiny toilet) only to grin and bear it when she was told that she had to let the little kids play too.
Eva introduces Dee to some new toys.
This picture cracks me up – Eva’s insisting Scott take pictures of each of Rosie’s figurines, and there’s Paloma in the background – copying what her sister does.
And a little more Lolo. ‘Cause who can’t use a little pure joy disguised as a toddler with a curly mop in their lives?
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Happy 60th Birthday, Mom. I love you.
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At the risk of looking like some kind of weird DwellStudio junkie by posting about them twice in one week…So, you know how I am like totally a junkie for DwellStudio?
Well…lately, Crib Bumpers have been a big topic of discussion in this household. It’s a bit of a hot-button topic in the whole e-mom community actually, (to use, to not use, to go the breathable route…what have you) which I’m not going to get into here because I’m not educated enough on the topic to issue a real opinion. Which is sort of what prompted this post.
See, as it stands, we’ve been bumper-free. But the more times we find Dee in her crib like this: (or y’know, less cute versions of this…)
…the more we think it might be time to break down and buy one.
I tweeted as much this morning, asking for practical advice from the trenches. (Ask and ye shall receive – thanks to @alexandrawrote @Melaina25 @babyrabies @heirtoblair @ChiPumpkin @angie608 @emmie_bee @NiciBent @tmbarnes @KristiMaristi @RaisingMadison @becca7903 @jennamariebee & @Jen_Schoeph for all of your great responses.) The overwhelming majority seemed to be using breathable bumpers
…But then I also tweeted this:
And a minute later, something totally embarrassing happened to me (yes, more embarrassing than the fact that I spelled “a’ la carte” wrong.) I got a little bit star struck on Twitter. Because Christiane Lemieux (Creative Director of DwellStudio, and DwellStudio for Target) of whom you guys already know I am a huge fan, tweeted back.
Be still my beating heart. What excellent news! (And maybe even a scoop! A nursery-completing, dream-coming-true scoop!) Naturally, I RT’d (with grandiose enthusiasm):
Which prompted the beautiful and talented Jill of BabyRabies to respond:
To which Christiane responded:
C’mon. That is freaking awesome. And if DwellStudio does come out with breathable bumpers, you can bet your ass I’ll be first in line to get one.
Christiane also blogs regularly at: http://www.dwellstudio.com/blog and you can follow her on Twitter @DwellStudio.
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Last year, I featured some pretty fancy mustaches and explained how Scott and I don’t celebrate Valentines Day.
Secretly, I was bursting into a million little pieces because one year ago [Valentines Day] I calmly drove to Rite Aid, bought the cheapest pregnancy test I could find, strolled back to my car with a secret smile, returned home, and waited (alone with my heart palpitations) for Scott to get back. When he finally arrived about an hour later, he had tulips, and we had a plus sign. It was a year ago today that my suspicions were confirmed: Dee was on her way. This year, I get to wish a happy valentine’s day to my little valentine in person, and there ain’t nothing sweeter.
But every day is a love letter to my daughter. And there’s another special someone(s) who I’ve been meaning to tell how I feel.
It’s you, blogosphere.
I’ve been remiss. Awards have been awarded, friends have been friended, and I’m way overdue in paying it forward. Things could get mushy.
[I've checked around and it seems all of these blog award type things have the same set of rules: 1) link to the person that bestowed said award, 2) list seven [give or take]random factoids about yourself, and 3) Pass the award along to seven [give or ta
ke] deserving bloggers. Since I’m a) a slacker, and b) a rule breaker, I’m going to wrap them all up into one GIGANTIC post, and I’m pretty sure that by the end of it I’ll have met the requirements of each award, combined. Make sense? No? Just go with it. It IS awards season, after all.] Oh, and since I’m not really following the rules of any one in particular, I made you guys a super special badge to remind you that you are loved….should you desire to display it. Whatever. I’m breezy.
SO. In no particular order…here are a few of the bloggers (parenting and otherwise) who have supported/entertained/inspired me this past year.
Kenny @ SmonkYou: I first stumbled across SmonkYou via the TopBabyBlogs directory. Kenny’s often irreverent, always refreshing musings on fledgling parenthood are reason enough to run, not walk, over to SmonkYou (if you’re not already intrigued enough by the mere fact that he’s the lone daddy-blogger not afraid to roam amongst the buffet of hormones being served up by his mommy-blogging counterparts.) Add to that his incredible portfolio of creative work, and yeah…Kenny’s pretty darn cool.
Mandy @ HarpersHappenings: (with whom I’m having a torrid twitter affair…and I’m not the only one…she’s kind of slutty) Mom to the so-cute-you-could-eat-her-for-breakfast Harper pens a blog that is so chock full of charm and wonderfulness, and one I frequent regularly. If you don’t know Mandy, and her gorgeous little toddler, hop on over to Harpers Happenings and check her out.
Rebecca @ EllaMinnowPea: In addition to featuring tasty design treats (she’s an interior designer herself, and a damn good one if her blog is any indication) Rebecca also beautifully shares the joys, trials and tribulations of adopting their first child (and the home renovations in anticipation of said child’s arrival.)
Maegan @ …loveMaegan: Where would this list be without my awesome sister-in-law and blog guru Maegan? Her daily outfit posts are like window shopping at your desk, her brutal honesty is inspiring to read, and her open book policy (and DIY’s and How-To’s) on how she manages to look so.fucking.gorgeous all the time is a testament to just how cool she really is. Plus, her brother is really hot.
Chelsea @ ChelseaTalksSmack: Chelsea was the first to greet me when I joined 20-Something-Bloggers, and I’ve been hooked ever since. (So embarrassing, I know…it’s like falling in love with Tom from MySpace.) Of the bloggers listed here, Chelsea definitely gets the “living vicariously” award – she rants, raves, and regales, in one of the most addicting voices I’ve read in a long time.
Iva @ IvaMessy: Iva was one of my first regular commenters, and I’m so happy she was, because it led me to her blog, which is like a daily ray of sunshine. Her musings always make me smile, and I never know what I’ll discover amongst her eclectic posts.
Amelia @ BonAppentempt: Amelia and her hubby (and blog sidekick) Matt (sorry to call you a side-kick, Matt) not only make up the other half of our World-Famous Rock Band 
Blair @ TheHeirToBlair: Blair was one of the first people in the e-mom-community to make me feel welcome. We went through our entire pregnancies together – albeit 3000 miles apart – she’s the full time working Mama to a dashing little man named Harrison who is a mere week younger than Dee. B’s southern hospitality transcends the fiberoptics, and her ability to connect with her readers is truly inspiring.
Brooke @ OofaLuffaLe: Like Iva, Brooke stumbled over here early on via Maegan, and won me over with her style before I ever visited her blog by introducing me to the [insanely cute baby boutique] Black Wagon. Her blog is uplifting, her writing is unique and endearing, and her sense of style (not to mention the gorgeous photos she takes to exhibit it) get me every time I visit.
Jenna @ BloggedBliss: Her tagline of “Marriage. Motherhood. Sarcasm” pretty much says it all – Mrs.Jenna is funny as hell, her wit, snark, and eye for design (not to mention how pretty her new layout is) makes me squirm with jealousy.
Rachelle (and Co) @ SaucyLittleDish: Led by Rachelle, the “Dishes” trot out delicious recipe after delicious recipe with mouth watering pictures to match. From beauty writers to culinary professionals, math teachers and movie executives, these ladies are always an entertaining read.
And on the off chance you haven’t read her:
Stephanie @ TheNieNieDialogues and Nie&You: I found Nie’s blog through my very own sidebar when BlogHer named her BlogHer of the week. Stephanie is the kind of mother I strive to be. Through her beautiful prose and the intimate family photos she shares, her readers are treated to a look at the fantasy childhood she and her handsome and chivalrous husband Mr. Nielson have created for their brood of four (and hopefully counting) in Utah. Stephanie is a fighter and a survivor, and her positivity makes me want to stop and look for the joy in the small moments of my own life. On Nie&You – Stephanie and her dear friend Katja (who lives in Germany) post stunning daily pictures, inspired by the blog turned book “3191 – A Year of Mornings.”
And now, a THANK YOU to the Bloggers who have showed me some love this year:
Mesina @ Artistically Nuts: I met Mesina through SITS (if you haven’t visited them, you should) and she gave me my first award ever – the Fabulous Blog Award, AND the “I Think You Are An Awesome Girl” Award. I love me some Mesina. On more than one occasion during my torturous pregnancy she’d leave a comment or two that would kinda make my day. And she’s incredibly brave – she’s currently pregnant with baby #4!
Cassie @ My Three Ring Circus gave me the Kreativ Blogger Award back in October, right after Dee was born. She’s an adorable military wife and Mom of three – check her out!
Ashleigh @ Momma Maven in the Making : Ashleigh’s a work-at-home Colorado Mamaprenuer – in addition to blogging, she’s also the talented designer behind Bella B Maternity.
Eliza @ Postcards From Parenthood: Cute Midwestern Mama Eliza also sprinkled me with The Sunshine Award. Her sweet comments made me blush, and her little girl Teva is a stunner!
Jeni @ Crafty Girl Blog: Jeni also nominated me for the Sunshine Award. She has a site full of some really great DIY’s complete with step by step instructions. Pay her a visit!
Jessi @ Better Late than Never: Jessi’s comments are always lovely, and none more than the one she left saying she’d given me the Happy 101 Award. She’s going back to school for Dance with no previous training, and I love reading about her adventures.
Tanja @ Lucky Canuck: Tania gave me the One Lovely Blog award. She runs a ton of great giveaways on her site, with SIX going right now!
The ‘Saurs @ Pregosaur: These lovely ladies (who also gave The818 the One Lovely Blog Award) are ALL pregnant/TTC/recently delivered. There are quite a few, with new ‘Saurs rotating in as the littlesaurs are hatched. I’m too tired to count the current tally, but every single one of them is loveable.
And another quick shout out to Rebecca @ EllaMinnowPea who gave me the Fabulous Blog Award back in September, and Mandy @ HarpersHappenings who just laid the Beautiful Blogger Award on me last week!
Okay, here’s the part where I cross my fingers that I didn’t leave anyone off this list [and if you gave me something and I didn't say thank you please feel free to leave a hate comment so I can properly do so.]
Okay, here’s where it’s going to get mushy:
When I made a New Years Resolution way back on January 1st 2009 to post something to this blog every day, I had no idea the weird and wonderful community I would soon find myself welcomed into. I failed at that New Years resolution – I only posted about 279 days last year – but what I did do was so much better than that. I’ve gotten to know myself as a writer, I’ve shed tears for people I’ve never met, I’ve laughed ’til I gave myself braxton hicks, and had the opportunity to discover some very cool and talented people that I might never have known existed.
But when I started this blog, I have to admit, I never ever in a million years ever imagined that I would be typing these next words:
I JUST BOUGHT MY TICKET TO BLOGHER ‘10.
I’m going to a blogging conference. Me. At a conference. (A conference that I’m fully prepared for my real life friends to mock me for.) And I couldn’t be more excited. Thanks to everyone who helped/is helping to make it possible (and especially to my cousin Joan who is going to run Dee duty so I can enjoy the conference!) My girl and I are coming to NY!
And also, Happy [belated] Valentines Day 
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GILT is having an amazing sale on these FATBOY/DWELLSTUDIO bean bag chairs. I just bought a stool for Dee’s room (it matches her bedding…and her stuffed giraffe…and her toy bin….man I love these dots.) Click to JOIN GILT and check ‘em out!
…and speaking of things with dots (thanks Ashley!)…
Dee is all packed and ready to go for her first sleepover at my parent’s house. I’m a nervous wreck. Scott is already planning out our entire night of awesome-ness and relaxation (it’s our 11 year kissing anniversary as you may have heard…)
This is a major event that has been weeks in the making. Yup. We are those parents. Overprotective. Crazy. Need three weeks notice to send her to Grandma’s house. Probably going to cry when I leave as if she won’t be sleeping in the room I grew up in down the hall from the people that raised me (and as my Dad so often likes to remind me “somehow, [I] survived.”)
*Sigh* Wish us luck. The thought of Dee waking up in the night without me is horrifying. (I realize more so for me than her.) The thought of her crying and me not being there ties my stomach up in knots. But the thought of an entire night of uninterrupted sleep? Priceless. So we’re doing it. I don’t know which will be worse – getting a call to come pick her up because she’s gone all Exorcist on them at 3am, or not getting a call and realizing that my little girl CAN in fact make it through the night without me.
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…he kissed me.
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(Shot with a Flip.
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Recently, a friend of mine (and fellow new Mama) wondered aloud if she would remember the exact feeling she got every time her five-month-old son smiled up at her from his crib in the morning. She said that while she could video tape it, or write it in his baby book, she didn’t think there was any way she could ever really capture how special that is.
Time is flying by with Dee. Her four-month birthday has come and gone, and I hardly recognize her as the tiny newborn that was laid on my chest in her first moments of life. As I write this, she’s napping in her swing – something she does less and less these days, and she’s smiling to herself, something she does more and more of. There is so much I want to remember about this time – I want to soak in every second of her like this before she inevitably discovers that there is a world of people out there, most of whom are much cooler than Mommy.
I love how hold-able she is right now. When I scoop her up after a nap, she nuzzles into my neck and wraps her arms around me in this heart-melting baby hug. I can smell her sweet little smell, and she’s always so warm, it’s just the most wonderful thing. I never want to forget that feeling.
And she laughs every.single.time I laugh. Even if she’s crying. It’s insane. (Although I do try not to make a habit of laughing at her while she’s crying…) If you talk right to her she gets so excited, her little eyes bug out, and she twists her tongue into all kind of crazy directions while she unleashes her very best imitation monologue. I’m a talker, so Dee gets a constant narration of the day’s events, and we go all day long this way – chit chatting and laughing at each other.
I love changing her diapers. I mean, I could do without the poop and pee, but ever since the day we brought her home, her changing area has been her favorite spot – if she’s having a rough moment, laying her down for a diaper change always centers her. It’s where she first starting babbling, where we saw her first smiles, where she spent her first moments of awake-alert time as a newborn. She giggles wildly every time I pull and arm or a leg out of her clothing, like it’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to her at every wardrobe change.
And in the early evenings when Scott plays the drums, Dee and I lay down on the living room floor for tummy time, directly above his practice room, and she bops her head and does “the Stevie Wonder“ to the beat. (Well, she tries anyway, and I hope I always remember the sheer joy I get from watching her.)
I love that when I nurse her in our bed in the morning, and we both drift back off for a few more zzzz’s, that she rest her head on my boob like it’s a pillow, and snuggles in tightly, humming faintly with every exhale, tickling my stomach with her toes. And when I get up, leaving her in bed with her Daddy, she finds her way over to him. Sometimes she cuddles up and goes back to sleep. Sometimes she chirps at him until he wakes up and plays with her. Either way, it’s a show not to be missed.
And oh my god, the smiles. She has like, twenty-eight different smiles, and they all mean something precise. The “I don’t know what you’re saying to me, but I think it might be play-time” half-smirk. The “I see a boobie coming at me” open-mouth grin. The “that kind of scared me, but I liked it” gum-flash. The “I’m faking it but it’s working” mid-cry grimace. The “Isn’t it hilarious that I’m pooping while you’re trying to wipe my ass?” beaming cackle. The list goes on and on.
So tell me, if you’re a parent - what are those moments for you? And does it stay with you? That feeling? When they grow up and they don’t nuzzle your neck any more, is that what keeps you putting up with the “you’re wearing WHAT?” and the lipstick-too-soon, and the famous “attitude” that I used to get so much flack from my parents about?
And also, this:
OMG, and I didn’t even know when I went searching for this video how perfectly cheesy it would be. Thanks for never letting me down, REO Speedwagon.
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