...the anonymous blogger...

Silence

2013-11-13T23:23:00.000-05:00

I am terrified of the screams I hear in the silence of the night. It is there in cold darkness, alone with my thoughts when the stark reality of the world around me is most beautifully illuminated in the moonlight. I am often stuck by the sharpness of the truth when viewed through my own eyes. Painful as it may be, it's easily distracted if need be.

"God speaks in the silence of the heart, listening is the beginning of prayer." -Mother Teresa

When faced with difficult decisions, I often balk at action in exchange for an extended pause for reflection and opportunity for change without purposeful action. I am also frequently guilty of waiting for a decision to be made for me by someone or something else which allows me to play my hole card...victim. If I pause long enough to place the decision squarely in someone else's hands either by default or because they have less tolerance for the situation than I, they are forced to decide the outcome, if it turns out wonderfully, I can thank God and praise myself for my part in inactivity. If it turns out poorly as it often does, I can blame the other party for jumping to a decision too hastily.

The best course is of course to seek the counsel of others, to pray in earnest for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out, and lastly to take the appropriate action at the time it should be carried out to achieve the expected result, and then adjust accordingly as the situation then dictates! But the silence of truth is deafening.

Broken Things

2013-11-07T02:05:00.000-05:00

What is it about broken things which I find so alluring? I am drawn, much like a magnet to metal, to people, places and things which need repair.

I am certain with enough self-examination, I would uncover a certain unwillingness to repair my own inner workings, an egocentric selfish desire to boost my own esteem at the plight of an innocent struggling soul. I am oft misguided by some belief that what I have gained here in this journey is somehow of my own design, that it is patentable, reproducible and thus has value to others based on my own experience. In hindsight, the only real value to the journey is the journey.

Perhaps it has more to do with my own feelings of self doubt and insecurity, in compensation I surround myself with those whom I can stand above, perched upon the moral high ground, peering down at the world's bottom feeders as though I don't belong with you.

Rationalizing as I might, that I am truly unselfish in my acts and intentions, that the only payoff I seek is the sparkle in the eyes of the newly enlightened soul, but who am I kidding? Not you...

Further extrapolation reveals that my true calling is to be a vessel for God in the lives of others, that through the spiritual principle of humility, I am to be nothing and He is to be everything. All works done in my presence are of His doing and I, as powerful as I may think I am, have at once become feeble in the eyes of our Creator. Thus it is my duty to give freely of what was given to me, to be ever vigilant that my actions, my thoughts, my words, what I do and what I fail to do, do not inhibit the spiritual growth of myself or another in any way. The precise moment hinderance becomes the course, I have moved from the will of God to my own and certain peril is close at hand.

When I go

2013-09-25T10:40:00.000-04:00

When you find me, and you will, please cover me with something warm. I can't ever seem to find a way to warm myself. I have holes in my socks, there are just always holes, but I have one pair in my bag that I never wear, because I know that someday you will find me and I want to have socks without holes. I can't figure out why this is so important. There is the possibility that I will have wasted away to nothing, that you won't have seen nor heard from me in some time, there will be dirt and grime, bottles and cans, there will be one light bulb left, casting deep shadows throughout the room. Those are my shadows, don't take them from me by raising the shade. In the wee hours of the morning I would hide in those shadows, those were the last places with-in which I could find comfort and solace. The fear and desperation are nearly overwhelming. I know that the end is near, closer than even I know.

I can't stop here, as much as I might want to. The choice was gone so long ago, that distant memory faded in the last of the fallen snow. Outside the window I could see the glint of frost against the cold concrete. I understand that concrete, in a way that others might not. The weight of the world lay upon it's weary shoulders, yet there is not a soul to cry out to.

This is not where I should have gone, I knew this wasn't the place. How many times had you said just that, and the fell of deaf ears.

Don't bring her here with you. If for some reason she arrives, please I beg of you to clean up the remnants. I don't want her to get hurt, and there are needles on the floor under the bed.

I am sober today...but he has died

Why?

2013-09-25T10:39:00.000-04:00

When I was brought to Alcoholics Anonymous I recieved nothing I wanted but was given everything that I needed, despite myself...The greatest gift I was given was being present at the moment when the flimsy reed turned into the powerful and loving hand of God, which in hindsight presented a relationship with a power greater than me that I never knew was possible. I keep coming back because I owe a deep debt of gratitude to the program of AA which can only be repaid through a lifetime of service, giving back what was freely given to me...

Scars

2013-09-24T00:01:00.002-04:00

Scars...

It's not the ones on the outside I worry most about!

I am covered in them...scars, from burns to cuts, scrapes to stitches my body tells tales of reckless endangerment of the greatest instrument I was ever given.

It is however most compelling the scars which lie below the surface, those which cannot be seen, yet still in the dark of the night cause much pain.

I came to a place in active addiction where I was no longer comfortable in the light with you or in the dark with me. Deep within me was a pain which I was certain you could never understand and I would likely not be able to transmit with enough weight to relieve even for a moment. I shouldered the weight of this pain for so long I had grown both weary and used to it at the same time!

What is Recovery today?

2011-02-08T22:17:00.000-05:00

Along the sober path and at various stages of my sober life, this question has had varied meanings. Asked of me just last night I was able to answer very concisely. In our basic text it states that we have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I believe that this hopeless state of mind and body is the mental obsession (the mind) and the physical compulsion (the body). It has been not only my experience but also my belief that we can recover from alcoholism, however we will always suffer from that much deeper issue the book refers to as the internal condition.

We are brought into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous with a soul sickness, a deep and profound longing for God. However, we are unable to reach out to the spiritual nature of AA without first removing those things which stand in the way of our connection to our "power greater than ourselves", the first and most obvious of these things is Alcohol.

We remove this block by first building a life changing foundation which helps us to not take a drink a day at a time, through the process of the 12-steps we have a guaranteed spiritual experience that carries with it sufficient force to remove the obsession to drink. Coupled with that is a profound personality change that launches us into recovery. Before long the drink problem has been removed and it is on now to those other things which stand in the way of our relationship with God, we through the 12-steps will identify these items in 4 and 5 and ask for them to be removed in the coming housecleaning steps.

It is this ongoing maintenance of our spiritual program along with the willingness to continue to grow along a spiritual path that keeps the internal condition at bay. Let's not forget that the sudden return of the internal condition as a result of a failure to grow often leads to a drink as we cannot live in that place without help.

I stand by the Door

2011-01-27T10:57:00.000-05:00

I Stand by the Door
By Sam Shoemaker (from the Oxford Group)

I stand by the door.
I neither go to far in, nor stay to far out.
The door is the most important door in the world -
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There is no use my going way inside and staying there,
When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where the door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men,
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it.
So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door - the door to God.
The most important thing that any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands
And put it on the latch - the latch that only clicks
And opens to the man's own touch.

Men die outside the door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter.
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live on the other side of it - live because they have not found it.

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him.
So I stand by the door.

Go in great saints; go all the way in -
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics.
It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in.
Sometimes venture in a little farther,
But my place seems closer to the opening.
So I stand by the door.

There is another reason why I stand there.
Some people get part way in and become afraid
Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them;
For God is so very great and asks all of us.
And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia
And want to get out. 'Let me out!' they cry.
And the people way inside only terrify them more.
Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled.
For the old life, they have seen too much:
One taste of God and nothing but God will do any more.
Somebody must be watching for the frightened
Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,
To tell them how much better it is inside.
The people too far in do not see how near these are
To leaving - preoccupied with the wonder of it all.
Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door
But would like to run away. So for them too,
I stand by the door.

I admire the people who go way in.
But I wish they would not forget how it was
Before they got in. Then they would be able to help
The people who have not yet even found the door.
Or the people who want to run away again from God.
You can go in too deeply and stay in too long
And forget the people outside the door.
As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,
Near enough to God to hear Him and know He is there,
But not so far from men as not to hear them,
And remember they are there too.

Where? Outside the door -
Thousands of them. Millions of them.
But - more important for me -
One of them, two of them, ten of them.
Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.
So I shall stand by the door and wait
For those who seek it.

'I had rather be a door-keeper
So I stand by the door.
I had to share this! Thank you Ed for passing it to me!

An AA Education...

2011-01-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

Spiritual experience of the more educational variety gains a whole new perspective when long time slipper meets the rehab of their dreams and becomes an AA guru....

Or so the story goes...If you Google Treatment Facilities the the list is long and exhaustive, if you simply switch to an image search the game changes and you are pleasantly greeted with a whole host of aerial shots of Waste Water Treatment Plants.

What do these two things have in common with one another?

I say they have more in common than what you might think. Both bring in the dirty, the beaten and the unusable and through a process that is baffling to most spit out something that is of use to society.

That process is God, and it must not be confused with some sort of change brought about through an increase in educational status by way of group therapy or lots and lots of reading. I am a product of treatment, it was and will continue to be the most expensive trip to an AA meeting I ever take. They filled my head full of knowledge, they attempted to take me through some steps and teach me about triggers and reasons why I drank and how to avoid those thing in the future, but at the end of the day, despite all of the fancy names and top notch people and good food, they took us to an AA meeting, because they are no better at treating alcoholism than the local Denny's.

The reason we drank was alcoholism, we drank as the result of an internal condition, which looks to the professional community to be a lot like bi-polar...though it is not, and this internal condition can only be treated by means of a spiritual experience. The ground work can be laid at one of these facilities, they dry out a drunk, pump them full of vitamins and good food, get them rested and into better health and then they bring them to us...why? Because for as long as society can remember, there has been nowhere to send a drunk, until AA came along they looked us away to rot in institutions.

We must be careful in our meetings that we don't allow ourselves to be misled by the professional community and their attempts at healing alcoholism. They have been tasked with something we don't want to have to do. They are expected to produce results $XX.XX = sobriety and that is simply not the case, but if you through enough information at the problem, facts, figures, slogans, etc...then it will cloud the issue long enough for you to cash the check.

The cure for alcoholism, the only thing that has been found to work consistently for the last 70+ years has been the spiritual program of action that we call Alcoholics Anonymous. Let's bear in mind always that the book clearly states that we have found a solution on which we can all agree, that means that we needn't stumble in the dark for what might work any longer, we need only do what we have been told to do.

Take a minute to visit our sponsor at www.thetokenshop.com

Honest with Themselves

2011-01-19T19:30:00.001-05:00

"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter Five

We deal alot with reservations around here, the idea of closing doors and leaving nothing open for alcohol to sneak back into our lives. It is paramount in recovery that we make certain that one is finished for good an for all. This post is going to, in a round about way, bring into focus the idea that there should be no reservations while pointing out the one true reservation that stands in the way of a person achieving recovery.

For arguments sake here is a Contextual Definition of a reservation:

"There is no way I could stay sober through the loss of my husband."

This statement, though powerful and intense, has ultimately left the door open for alcohol to find it's way into the member's life in the tragic event of the loss of her husband. This is a reservation.

With that said, the Bog Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is very clear about reservations...mentioned in chapter 3, they have used the word must in telling us that we absolutely need to be rid of reservations or any lurking notions.

" If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol." Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter Three

Now, practical application of this reservation removal is another issue all together. While being necessary to maintain permanent sobriety, it may take years and sometimes decades for all of the doors to be sealed shut and for alcohol to remain outside. We begin in early sobriety with things as simple as going to work, taking a paycheck, going to bed at night, all without the use and abuse of alcohol. As we progress further into our sober lives and our daily routine is free from booze, we move into the more difficult items, deaths and funerals, marriage and weddings, loss of jobs, health issues...we see other members trudge through great difficulty and we are given hope, slowly the things we though we could never stay sober through slip away and we drop the reservations.

Now, as mentioned at the top of this post there is one reservation that is a go, no go in alcoholics anonymous. If one is unwilling or unable to be honest with themselves and to maintain that honesty throughout their sober life, then one cannot achieve permanent sobriety. Staying away from a drink a day at a time requires that we be honest with ourselves and thus the statement, "If I am not honest with myself I will drink", is paradoxical because it is both a reservation and an absolute.

Close the doors...and the windows.

Serenity ...

2011-01-14T16:15:00.001-05:00

That I shall find a peace such that I have not known before...here it is likely as time moves forward I will not know this peace again either. That is the thing about time, it changes and with it the ebb and flow of our ever evolving emotional and spiritual perspective.

It is likely that I will be at peace again when I leave here, at least I hope so...seems to me that our goal here is to place ourselves in a position of maximum use to God and our fellows.

I believe today that I will be given the strength that I need to carry on, but not indefinitely. We have a natural rhythm of charging and discharging our batteries. Once one gets to know themselves intimately, we begin to here the call. Just as a car pulls into a filling station to continue on the journey, we too must top off our tanks.

I have long felt pulled and recently, within the last several years, understood that pull. I am soothed by water and recharged in the warm salt air. Things move a little differently here, there is ice cream available 5 days a week between 11am and 3pm, but only if the wind doesn't blow too hard. We only bring what we need and nothing more, everything must be carried over and thus has an intrinsic value not otherwise known on the mainland. We are learning to live without, and McDonald's....I don't miss you!

Truly blessed to be here and giving credit where it is due...

Making Amends

2011-01-12T14:55:00.001-05:00

Making Amends

The following story has been reprinted with permission, I found it an inspiring story and I hope that you do as well...

I was riding through the mountains last year and remembered that when I was around 16 or 17 years of age, I stole 20 dollars from my grandmother when she was living at the nursing home. I remembered using this money to buy a bag of weed. I ...was devastated by what I had done. I got off my four wheeler and started to hike to this special place I spend a lot of time praying at. Sitting there I was dealing with the shame and guilt of doing such a terrible thing to my wonderful Gram. I began to pray to her…I told her, “Gram I know you have been waiting for a very long time for me to remember that I stole this money. I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for doing such a terrible thing to you. Please forgive me. I love you so very much”. So I sat that on this huge rock and began to cry. My grandma was in heaven now and I can’t make it up to her. I couldn’t possibly make amends for this selfish act. All I could do is tell her with all my heart I was sorry. All I could do is keep telling her I wish she was here, that I was so sorry, that I love you…over and over again. After a short while, I began to think about what my mother would tell me. My mom always had the answers. It wasn’t long and I received the answer. I got on my machine and drove back to the lodge. I jumped in my truck and went to this place called Bread of life. It is a homeless shelter in a little town down the mountain. I walked in and went to the guy sitting in the office. I pulled 80 dollars out of my pocket and gave it to this man. I said…”here take this money so that maybe it might help you guys out”. I turned and walked out. While I was getting in my truck, the man I gave the money to came up to me. He wanted to know whose name I should put on the receipt. I replied…”Catherine Monahan, my grandmother, she wanted me to give you this money”.
This is how I made amends to someone who is no longer alive. I know that she heard me, I know that she is with my mother, I know that they were happy that I finally remembered. They know how much I love them, they know what I am doing on this mountain. That for me is all that matters. PS I also know that they are with God in heaven.

Part 1:The Spiritual Malady...

2011-01-11T22:52:00.001-05:00

"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves."
page 45 The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

Alcoholism is a Soul Sickness and it is only fitting that the crux of the problem is where we begin our discussion. Suffering from a spiritual malady, the active alcoholic is cut off from the very thing they need in order to sustain life, the energy and grace that comes from our creator. Pride, selfishness, and self-centeredness are the very things that block us from this sunlight of the spirit.

It can be well established that we drink because we are alcoholics, we suffer from an internal condition that makes it nearly impossible to live with-in our bodies without some form of distraction, such as alcohol. However, our founders stumbled upon something that until that point had been widely ignored or overlooked by both the religious and medical fields. They found that a spiritual solution which removed those things which blocked us from God would in point of fact treat the internal condition and in doing so allow us to live comfortably with ourselves.

Where we had once been powerless, power flowed in, we had become channels of God's power, testaments to his mercy and grace and doers of his will. All of these things remain possible as long as we are able to remain in the sunlight of the spirit and not dwell beneath the shade of doubt, pride and self.

"Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not."
page 34 The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

I was not prepared for a spiritual solution when I was brought to the fellowship, nor was I willing to immediately accept that the only hope there was for me was to admit defeat, surrender my life to God and start doing his work. However, I was told early on and have since come to understand that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that we know is designed to do primarily one thing...take a suffering alcoholic who is walking away from God and pick him up, turn he/she 180 degrees so that they now walk towards him.

Lastly I wish to say this, while it is not my place to diagnose anyone with alcoholism, I know today unequivocally that if you do not need the spiritual solution we have to offer, in other words you can stop on your own...you are not an alcoholic. If you can change your lifestyle, get a new set of friends, buy a fancy car or get slapped with enough probation and one of these things makes you stop...you are NOT one of us...

"There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish."
page 34 The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

There is it...If you have passed into the realm in which there was no return through human aid...you need God...

Why they go...

2011-01-11T20:13:00.001-05:00

There will be much speculation surrounding this post, and I expect to draw more than a little bit of criticism too, but why not.

I want to take a moment to discuss with you in detail the very things that either drive the old-timers from AA or pull them to a drink.

There are two issues which I will be sharing:

1. The Return of the Alcoholic Ego
2. The Subject Matter of our Meetings

So the old dog just packed his crap up in his even older truck and took off? We sit in our meetings and spend a great deal of time discussing why we think John took a drink or why Phil hung himself, we blame the lack of meetings, we blame the divorce, the loss of a job or a child...sometimes we blame each other...I could have done more? However, the arrow often misses the mark. The return of the alcoholic ego kills more of us than alcohol does.

When we were brought to the rooms of AA we underwent a period of ego-deflation that left us humble and teachable. Some years go by and through sacrifice and charity we remain in a place of humility, a servant of God, do his trusted work...then something happens, we cut back on our meetings or there is an event that pulls us into another area of our lives and away from AA...(notice, that while before I mentioned us believing this was the cause, it is not...) Rather than returning to our place in the trench, a bit of self-righteousness sets in and we begin to say to ourselves, "can't someone else answer that phone." Now the once removed alcoholic ego has again stuck it's foot in the door of our spiritual life. It begins to manifest itself in all manners of selfishness and self centeredness. The end result is always this, we become convinced that AA doesn't need us and that we don't have anything more to gain from "those people". The separation has now occurred and while the drink hasn't yet come, it is not far around the corner.

They are not lost yet, but soon to be...make certain that we keep an eye out for this...
Stay tuned for part 2...Subject Matter in Meetings

Slow Down...

2011-01-11T07:07:00.001-05:00

Time is no commodity here, in fact, unlike much of world, time has very little meaning here...

Ice cream, now that of all things is a precious. Having awoken to a predawn chill in the air a subtle mist is slowly rising and revealing a gently cleansed surrounding. Everyone needs a chance to slow down a little and take a few deep breaths. We all need a reason to get out of bed in the morning and head into work. Today is that reason.

Despite the heartache and struggles that have come with this latest passing year I have among all things remained most richly blessed. Today I will spend my birthday with my wife and children on a distant beach, where despite the hopelessness of the plight, my eldest son will spend the whole day throwing sand into the sea. I suppose that if all the children stopped throwing sand in the ocean it might finally encroach upon us and swallow us whole. Thank you to the children, theirs is a tireless and thankless job.

It is important to point out that my life has become, in sobriety, something that I could have never imagined. Through staying sober a day at a time, giving my life to the God of my understanding, and remaining willing to practice our principles, I have been given a chance to have some real joy in my life. This is the vision of hope with which we are to pull the new comer. My life was once a darkness that lay as a tattered blanket over my helpless mass. Stripped of all that I knew, I was reached to and pulled from this muck. Feeling the breath of life rush into my lungs with a soft whoosh, I was pointed (by the folks in Alcoholics Anonymous) in this new direction.

It is an amazing life, though I spend much of it running as hard and as fast as I can, trying desperately to get ahead of the rest of the rats in the race. Today, a hard run takes me from one end of the island to the other in six minutes. It's time to slow down. it's time to take a look around, it's time to take stock of those things in my life that are often ignored and sometimes taken for granted! And though it's 7am and I have only been up for an hour, I think it is time for a nap...

Understanding

2011-01-07T23:33:00.001-05:00

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness."

Alcoholics Anonymous page 84

The above statement makes the bold assumption that the reader has in fact rigorously adhered to our stringent spiritual way of life and has had, as a result, an experience which has placed them in the realm of the spirit. If the reader has not reached said point then you missed something along the way.

How many times have you heard this little statement at a meeting?

"The longer I am sober, the less I know."

Don't you wonder about those people? My sober experience increases, nearly exponentially, with each passing day. I know things today that I didn't know 5 years ago that have made it possible to help others in a way I never could have imagined. This again is an extreme example of false pride and eludes to the idea that we can easily level the playing field in AA to allow everyone to be liked, understood and ultimately respected. But this idea of a level playing field is counter to the way our fellowship was designed in which new people followed us down the path, doing what we did to get what we got. It is vastly important that someone have gone before us and that the path be laid out and we cannot snub our noses at sober time.

Take this for example:

Let's pretend for a moment that a loved one is sick, they are suffering from a congenital heart defect that is going to require open heart surgery. They come to you for advice on where to seek treatment and which doctor they should choose. Do you advise them to go to the local community college and volunteer to allow some surgical techs to open them up? Absolutely not, you point them in the direction of the best treatment they can get from the surgeon with the most experience.

So let me ask you this, why is it that when a guy with 20+ years of sobriety shares in a meeting we allow another member with 2 years to argue with them?

Now I will leave you with this...in the spiritual world there exists a paradox in which the closer one draws to God the smaller they see themselves before him and as one's knowledge grows so does the understanding of just how little they know. However the amount they didn't know is always decreasing, the awareness of how much that is should always be increasing.

Absolute Truth

2011-01-03T23:19:00.001-05:00

"Humility is knowing the absolute truth about one's self" -Mother Teresa

Humility is a very difficult subject, one that by it's very nature seems rather counter-intuitive. As one increases in understanding and knowledge they become more of an expert on the subject. By common belief in Alcoholics Anonymous this leads to a less humble individual. Wrong!

I stand to argue the point that we should make every effort to increase in understanding and effectiveness through the practice of these principles in our affairs we become masters in the art of knowing the truth about ourselves. We practice daily maintenance of a spiritual program of action in which we invite God into our lives to mold us into the beings he desires, we ask him to remove those things which block us from him and to strengthen those attributes which we will need to help those we should meet along the way.

In the early days of my sober life and near the end of active addiction I experienced the type of humiliation that only we can understand. I was devastated, the result was that I learned to seek God in my life for the comfort and support I longed for. We must not confuse humiliation with the act of being humble. While it was certainly my experience to first be humiliated and then to become humble, it was not a cause and effect scenario.

Take for example the above quote, it would suggest that our first experience with humility should come near the fifth step where we take a personal inventory of all that is good and bad and place it before God and another, in doing so we survey the wreckage and take stock of the salvageable. We come to know the truth about ourselves such as we never had before. All the while placing ourselves before God. It stands to reason that some humiliation would come before this as we admit powerlessness or complete defeat, internalize that we are truly alcoholic and begin to see a need for a power greater than ourselves.

Out of this weakness is born strength to discover the absolute truth about ourselves, some of us are great writers and other masterful musicians, while others still are incredible orators. We become fully aware, in God's presence, of the gifts we have been given and of the mission we are to set forth on. The man who is most humble is he who takes the gifts that have been given to him and uses them for the most good.

Are you using your gifts for maximum goodness?

My new iMac will be here in just a couple of days and with it my new keyboard, which has an "L" key, something that I have been missing for a couple of months now, something which I thought to be very insignificant. To the contrary I have missed every keystroke in that time.

Night Fell!

2010-12-23T23:12:00.001-05:00

The Night Fell...

There is a thickness to the night which I haven't felt in years. Reminiscent of those early days of recovery in which there felt to be no safe place, I seem trapped by recent events. The horror of my loved one's recent suicide attempt, the realization of the gravity of the act and the circumstances leading to it, is staggering.

I often find myself awake late hours, distraction brings static which in turn brings a soft relief to what is the inevitable time alone with my thoughts.

I am 9 years sober, I have been to some great therapists in my day, I am spiritually fit and aware of what is happening to me. None of this takes away the chill that runs through my spine when the phone rings...because the phone rang, 3 times the phone rang that day, and it was always someone who wouldn't call me..."There's been an accident!"

No, there had been no accident, there had been a plan and the only accident was God's grace and mercy which saw that plan fail. However the damage was done, at least the lasting emotional trauma. The dreams are there, the haunting images and the sounds...all very real!

We are taught to love through action and forgive. I have been shown, by the fellowship I call home and the people who surround me. I have been taught a nearly involuntary reliance upon God in times of need. I seem to turn to him without thought or provocation, rather instinctual. It is there in the quiet of the night that I find solace in him, it is there as the demons seep in that I am meet with the warmth and light of the spirit.

I no longer suffer from a mental obsession, it was rather startling to me that I had passed into a new phase of recovery one in which the thought of drinking and the thought of not drinking were both nonexistent. Early in my sober life the thought of drinking was prominent, especially when things in my life became trying or troubling...However, as I stayed sober I became aware that these thoughts would come much later and then not at all...but there had always been a thought about drinking or not drinking, whichever the case, alcohol was at the front of my mind.

Humility is …

"Perpetual quietness of heart.

It is to have no trouble.

It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.

It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Higher Power in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble."

Road to Recovery

2010-12-20T23:52:00.001-05:00

"God has given me the ability to walk through trials with grace and dignity."

I am very grateful for the strength I have been given, the perspective I have, and the foundation that has been laid. This post will be less about my opinion and more about my experience.

I have, throughout my sober life had trials laid before me that I believe have been designed to bring me closer to God. I am, in hindsight, able to see his hand in all of the details leading up to and including the very trial I have to pass through.

I have not always had this faith, in fact I have spent much of my life, sober and before, believing that I was controlling it all. Today, this faith I share with those around me is like the warmth of a familiar blanket when there is a chill in the air. It brings comfort from the presence of God in my life when all around me is pain and suffering. Much the same way a small child clings to their favorite blanket or stuffed bear, this is not immediately instinctual but rather a learned behavior that has come from pain or fear and then relief or comfort. You do that enough times and you develop a faith.

Perhaps that is all very childish, perhaps I should reach into the very premise that we are engaged here and now in all out spiritual warfare, that our sober struggle, and yes it is from time to time a struggle, is a battle on an spiritual plane. We have to die a death to self and in doing so we are in a sense "reborn" to bring comfort to the sick, food to the hungry, and shelter to those in the cold. We have ultimately been saved so that we can do God's work. If you believe in the presence of God in our lives, then you cannot deny the existence of a competing force or power, that in sobriety pulls us from God's will and away from the work that has been laid before us. We struggle daily with the removal of selfishness in an effort to become better aligned with His will, but when we are misaligned the battle begins.

But what you might ask does this have to do with staying sober? Well, our daily reprieve is based upon the maintenance of our spiritual program. We are also called to grow along spiritual lines, increasing in faith and understanding of this faith allows for us to remain continuously sober.

Coming up....I will be inviting some of our readers to share their story, short inspiring bits about lives spared and souls saved!

Suicide

2010-12-08T22:59:00.001-05:00

suicide

there is an incredible amount of suffering in the world. i have, in my 9+ sober years, bore witness to a great deal of this pain. i want you to know that while there is pain there is also still hope.

8 days ago i was touched in a very intimate way by suicide. despite a solid sober foundation and a faith in god, i was completely and totally devastated.

i have spent the better portion of the last week attempting handle my emotions while trying to make sense of the situation. suicide is, in humble opinion, an entirely selfish act. when a person commits suicide, they despite the rest of the world's thoughts, place a value on their own life. suicide often takes a father from his son, a son from his father, a husband from his wife and a brother from his siblings. despite what would only be met with protest, the suicide takes any birthdays, holidays, any joy that was left in that relationship and places a value by which they then compare to the value of their suffering.

i understand suffering, in a very deep and personal way. i have often weighed the value of my life, the hurt i have caused others and the joy which i might bring. i feel as though i am in touch with all of these things and am therefore capable of being reached out to for help. yet the phone didn't ring.

there is a deeply spiritual experience associated with this as well, one that i would be remiss to neglect. because of the severity of selfishness that is associated with the act it must be (church doctrine says so) an act of evil. the fight for one's life in the grip of suicidal depression can be explained as simply spiritual warfare. a war which exploits the slightest weakness of one's mind to convince them that they are worthless.

coming through on the other side is another experience all together. i beat the ambulance to the hospital. despite careful planning and redundancy, it didn't work. i was in icu when my loved one came to. the grief, the shame and embarrassment was horrifying. they sat devastated, apologetic, and remorseful. confused at the reason it had been unsuccessful they were now faced with the road ahead. meanwhile i and the others who where close had to ask, why?

was there something we had done or failed to do? did we miss something, or were there really no signs? we began to piece together the days and weeks leading up to it, and afterward we had an accurate picture of pain, a suffering each was only aware of in our own unique way. but without the entire picture it seemed manageable. there was guilt as some felt as though there was something more that could or should have been done.why anyone who commits suicide believes they have an accurate appraisal of the pain they will cause others is beyond me. i am full of anger, fear, grief and sorrow and i spent time with my loved one today.

the internet is full of horrific stories and romantic plays, there are videos and guides, books and forums. there are advocacy groups and help lines. but my experience says this, if you pay close attention, if you show a genuine and sincere interest in those around you, if you see their pain and can offer an ear, then maybe, just maybe they will share. if you have been touched by suicide, i feel your pain, if you have or are considering this as a way out, please don't hesitate to reach out. there are people that love and appreciate you and you will be missed...

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Perception

2010-12-07T17:07:00.003-05:00

PERCEPTION. . . Something To Think About

THE SITUATION

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

After about 3 minutes:

a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later:   The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.
At 6 minutes:  A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.  At 10 minutes:A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.
At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
After 1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded.

There was no recognition at all.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. This experiment raised several questions:
*In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
*If so, do we stop to appreciate it?
*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . . How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

Let God?

2010-11-29T08:54:00.001-05:00

This all to familiar topic in AA is the focal point of my morning writing. It becomes all to easy for me to place in God's hands all of the work instead of the outcome. After all if it is my job to plow the field and God's job to make the plants grow, which task seems like the least amount of effort is required? Do you know just how many plants we are talking about? The number of blades of grass in my yard is staggering.

We are taught in the 11 step to pray for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to follow through. This is a two part step. In the first part we are praying that the contact be established and maintained so that we may hear God's voice when he calls. All to often we hear something else which requires less work or struggle. Or we entirely hand off the problem and close the channel of communication down.

In the second part of the 11 step we are to ask for the power, the will, or the strength to carry through with whatever message has been delivered. If we call, there will be an answer, and in time we will hear. When we have heard the answer to our prayer, we must act. Acting requires strength and courage and we should have the humility to ask for assistance.

Letting Go and Letting God, is simply put...letting go of our expectations and letting God guide us.

HALT

2010-11-28T06:42:00.001-05:00

HALT

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired....now what?

It might have been a treatment center, or a well meaning member of the fellowship who first developed this conditional method of self awareness. Whoever it was, I am certain it was well intentioned, and at the time it was very intuitive. I am, however one that believes that we must remove the conditions on sobriety, in other words, we have to close the doors. If we are to tell ourselves that "if" this or that happens we don't know if we will stay sober, this or that will inevitably happen and we will be in the fight of our lives...see we already said we would drink!

Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing the concept, it was well meaning and I believe the original intent has been long lost. Our emotional and spiritual well being are intrinsically associated with our physical health. We have to remain vigilant, that we do not lose track of taking care of ourselves. Many of us were accustomed to taking poor care of ourselves in active addiction. Basic care of our physical selves was often neglected and as such we suffered. We went days without showers, missed meals, shunned others and seldom slept. Whilst our physical health declined, as did our emotional state and our spiritual world collapsed in on us.

In recovery we are asked to heal all three parts. We also know that none of these parts can recover with out the others being taken care of. Tied together, our spiritual welfare is often tied to our physical well being. It is however one of the last places we look when we are troubled. As a result, other areas of our well being often begin to falter or fail before we look to our most basic needs. The combination of these are often deadly to an alcoholic. My experience is that if I get too hungry, too angry, too lonely or too tired all at once...I get a cold. It is my bodies way of saying...Stop, you have pushed yourself too far and you have had enough. It has nothing to do with taking a drink and everything to do with taking care of me so I can be of maximum service to you!

Please take a moment to visit our sponsor: The Token Shop

Winds of Change

2010-11-27T21:47:00.001-05:00

The Winds of Change

So I have been away for a awhile, my "L" key is broken and it makes it rather difficult to type. I have been fueling my need for success and approval through this awesome new business, (thank you to all who have made purchases) picked up a new sponsee and have been hitting more meetings. Because you don't know me, I can be as candid as I please on here. This blog gets only a few unsolicited hits a day, my website even less, and all of those things lead to an overall feeling of failure.

I have thousands of friends out there, people like you I will never meet, but I struggle with forming even the simplest of bond, I am even worse with permanent relationships. The majority of what I write here is accusatory, cynical and crass. No wonder you don't want to read it. But isn't that the point, I show you me and in turn I get to see me in a new light!

The fellowship is designed to help us to become better people, and for awhile I believed that I was changing, that my character defects were leaving, that I was become the person God intended for me to be. I talk about peace of mind and stillness in my heart, of kindness and compassion and of true love and understanding as if these are a checklist of ultimate goals. In the end they are ideals. We are all called to Sainthood and that means a life comprised of struggle and pain. With every self examination comes discovery and discord. I have found my life filled with distraction rather than meaning, with acquaintance rather than comradeship, with cynicism rather than understanding. While this does not paint a picture worth selling, I do recognize the power of potential as well as the need for change.

Qui tacet consentire videtur...Silent?

2010-11-03T21:52:00.001-04:00

He who is silent is understood to consent...

For many of us in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, our very lives depend upon an soft heart, an open mind and the ability to listen to and discern the truth we have so desperately sought.

There is an alarming trend that has surfaced in our fellowship in recent years...Sponsor/Sponsee relationships in which neither individual shares the honest truth with the other. Out of fear and anxiety over the possibility of having to then be confronted with the truth about themselves, the sponsor neglects to share vital truths with the sponsee. These "suicide" pacts, will become very cumbersome to our fellowship as they continue to cause stagnant spiritual growth among some members.

This issue has bled over into the meeting rooms and fellowship halls where we allow new-comers and old-timers alike to share about bars and drinking occasions. We are seldom willing to address, publicly or even privately the mistakes another member is making in an effort to help that member.

It seems we would much rather make them happy than help them to reach a place of spiritual healthiness.

Our silence is understood as consent, those who cannot, at present moment, differentiate right from wrong are dependent on us to do that for them. We cannot site by idly and hope that someone else will say the "right thing"...sometimes all that needs said is "something"!

Please take a moment to visit our kind host and sponsor:

The Token Shop

Where are the other nine?

2010-10-30T22:04:00.001-04:00

Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?" Luke 17:17

With-in the book of Luke in the Bible there exists a parable in which 10 people afflicted with leprosy are healed or made clean by Jesus. After such point nine of them leave without expressing the deep gratitude they should have for their lives being spared...one remains and for that is rewarded.

Regardless of your faith, one cannot help but draw a parallel between this story and similar ones in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Much like the like the lepers of the time, active alcoholics are often cast out of society, deemed unclean and cast aside to die drunk. We are delivered through divine intervention to the rooms of AA where we are, through in immeasurable act of mercy, spared from the certain death of alcoholism. Our sobreity is contingent upon the the maintenance of our spiritual program which includes but is not limited to giving back to our fellowship through service, acts of mercy, charity, and the constant display of gratitude.

However, as with the parable, AA is often stricken with a case of the "other nines". Those alcoholics who, having found the solution, set off on their own selfish path to satisfy their own whims and desires. Soon they are too busy with life, to comfortable in sobreity, too tired, too sick, too warm or too cold to get out and carry the message. Soon they begin to suffer, the internal condition returns...and a drink looks appealing.

As for the one, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well.". We are called to remain in service, ours is a daily reprieve, and we must continue to diligently carry our message in order to assure that we remain free.

Up next? The Internal Condition!

Take a moment to check out our sponsor: The Token Shop