The Roflspot

Stupid Fruity Swag

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:26:00 +0000

FUCK YEAR KING VITAMIN :3

noreply@blogger.com (KulturTerror) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:19:00 +0000

remember king vitamin cereal?! i sure as fuck do...

;_; only because i was fucking poor...

My thoughts on Macintosh

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:45:00 +0000

What makes a good computer to most people? A decent size hard drive, hardware that is good enough to run their favorite programs or games, and an operating system that is as intuitive as it is useful. The argument of mac vs pc has been going on for quite some time, and might never end. People, it's time to look past flashy hardware and start really comparing the two. Macs are essentially the leap frog of the computing world. Is it easy to use? Yes. Is it visually appealing? Yes. Is mac's operating system better than Windows? That's a trick question. Mac actually does not have their "own" operating system yet as all distributions of mac are based on FreeBSD. For the lay person, this means that Apple took someone else's technology, and raped it to make it flashy at the expense of being useful.

One of the arguments that I hear more than anything is that "Macs don't crash". Yes they do! All the time! When a windows box crashes, 99 percent of the time it is due to poorly written third party software, not the operating system. Want to know something more interesting? On a Mac you cannot trace the source of a crash.

Mac also boasts that their hardware is the easiest to configure for internet connections. That argument is essentially meaningless due to the ease of use of most wireless equipment produced today. It kills me that I still get calls from people who cannot figure out how to set up their internet connections. I digress...

Then there is my most favorite argument: "But I can run Windows on my Mac!" Why would you need to run windows if Mac was king? Why would Microsoft need to give Office to Apple? It's simple. Macs are toys. It's amazing how much money people spend on Mac hardware which is clearly overpriced. Don't try to convey this message to a Macfag, because it is simply impossible. Hey, who wouldn't be upset when they are told that they bought the most incompatible $3,000 device on the market?

The best part about a Mac? When your system is obsolete, you don't have to worry about upgrading. You have to throw it away and buy a new one!

Also, Mac commercials are not funny, accurate, or informative in any way.

Tootsie Roll POPs

noreply@blogger.com (The Bearded One) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:11:00 +0000

Some things never change. Some things should never change.

Someone just left a bag of these on my office table Friday afternoon, so of course I opened it to enjoy one. As I opened the bag, there was a completely familiar feeling. It’s been years since I last had one, I can’t remember exactly when, but whatever.

All of the original flavors were there, chocolate, raspberry, cheery, grape and orange (my favorite). They haven’t even changed the packaging since I was a kid. All the pops came wrapped in the printed wax paper with all the original art work. I remember there being the rumors over the years about the Indian shooting the star yielding free candy. Man this brings back memories.

I love it when candies are left alone in their original state. Of course they have come out several new flavors over the years. But the fact that they still make the original flavors and package them in the original wrappers is nothing short of awesome.

Good:

Its Candy lol, always a plus.
The original flavors are all still there.
The original wrappers.
They are keeping with what is good and not fucking with it.

Bad:

It will NEVER take 3 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. EVER. I don’t care who you are.

Also, along with the original flavors, there is the chocolate flavor. Now don’t get me wrong, I will still eat it, it tastes pretty damn good. It was their original flavor. But, it still creeps me out just a little. For some reason, I cant get the solid candy chocolate flavor past my mind lol. When I think chocolate, I think a milky semi-solid texture, not hard candy lol.

Verdict:

Always has been and always will be an original candy. If you liked it as a kid, it will still be great now. So go buy a bag of them.

I’m giving it 4 out of 5 ROFLs based on the fact that they have kept to their original idea and have only changed slightly over the years. But, the chocolate flavor is still a little freaky.

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:29:00 +0000

OK, so I'm totally aware that this is a very late review, considering how long the album has been out, but I'm finally ready to give my review.

Eminem has been on the rap scene for a while. His albums are all pretty much regurgitated content to different beats. We know man, you like to kill people, lots of them, incessantly. His body count must be higher than most wars the way he talks about killing people. I'd hate to play Eminem in Halo.

The Good: Nothing.

The Bad: Everything.

Eminem is not rapper. He is not a musician. He is a whiny bitch. I invite him to come to NC, so I can put him in a car seat and drive him around until he shuts the hell up.

Sorry Em, but you should find a new job. Rapping about how much you hate your mom is played out. Also, last time I checked music is supposed to be entertaining. You're about as entertaining as a daycare, because listening to your music sounds about like sitting amongst a bunch of infants fighting over toys.

Verdict: If you're into the rap thing like I am, and you're looking for something good to listen to, I would recommend not buying (or even stealing) relapse. I won't even try to explain why this album sucks so bad. If you want to listen to a good rap, all you have to do is not buy Eminem's music. Anything else you get is guaranteed to be better.

Like this guy:

Oh yea, Relapse gets 0 ROFLs.

First Post?

noreply@blogger.com (KulturTerror) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:29:00 +0000

Hey, first post...ill be posting comics and shit about old games people dont play anymore...

Restaurant Review: AJ Gators

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:25:00 +0000

This weekend I was in Virginia Beach visiting some friends. It was Saturday evening around 5:30 and my buddy Michael and I had just polished off a game of firefight on Halo ODST. It's ironic that we were playing firefight, because little did I know, I had my own firefight coming up. So we hit up this place called AJ Gator's. Seemed like your average sports bar: TVs everywhere, pool tables, a bar, the works. Michael informed me that they had what was called the "gator challenge" where you were given six chicken wings and 1/4 pound of gator tail. You had to eat every bit of the food in under six minutes. What's the catch you ask? The food was absolutely drenched in what I believe was pure capsaicin. Okay, maybe not, but it was definitely the hottest sauce I have ever tasted in terms of scoville units. Oh yea, and no drink until you finished or tapped out.

On Michael's suggestion, I started with the wings because the gator tail was chewy and would allow the feiry mix to soak up in my mouth. The first bite was utter hell, but I was determined to finish. Three minutes and fifteen seconds later, the chicken wings and gator "nuggets" (as I would describe them) sat not so happily in my stomach. My forehead was pouring sweat, and before the waitress had returned with my t-shirt I had finished my drink and everyone else's at our table. I honestly don't want to talk about the aftermath, but suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant.

If you're a hot food freak, and there is an AJ Gators in your neck of the woods, go try the Gator Challenge.

Eating it: 1 out of 5 ROFLs
Watching someone else eat it: 5 out of 5 ROFLs

POMPADOUR!

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:46:00 +0000

Game Review: Guitar Hero 5

noreply@blogger.com (Ryan) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:56:00 +0000

Overview: I don't think that an introduction to this franchise is really required. Everyone knows what Guitar Hero is by now... it has become a household name. Guitar Hero 5 is very similar to Guitar Hero: World Tour at its core. There have been several key additions to the formula, and most are very appreciated and well thought out/executed.

The ability to play any one of four instruments returns from World Tour... so each player has the choice to play the Drums, Lead Guitar, Bass Guitar, or Vocals. One of the changes to this aspect of the game, is also one of its best features, so I will explain the another section of this review.

This installment includes 85 on-the-disc tracks, from various decades/genres. There is also the option to import many songs from Guitar Hero:World Tour and Guitar Hero: Smash Hits, which is great, but slightly flawed.

The Good: The track list is pretty expansive, and spread out across many decades and genres. For the most part the selection is very good. I have been waiting to see Bush and Rammstein appear on the track list, and I was very surprised, and happy to see a Peter Frampton song as well. I love music, and have a very broad appreciation for it, so a track list such as this one appeals to me very much.

The graphics have been improved. The animations look a lot better, the Guitar Hero characters look a helluva lot better, and the venues add more to the experience this time then ever before. Each edition of the Franchise makes improvements on the visuals, and this time it is really starting to come together. I think that is an obvious advantage of doing franchise games, as opposed to reinventing the wheel each time with a new title entirely.

Another feature that has been introduced are challenges for every song. For example one song may challenge you to use your whammy bar during every sustain... you're awarded medals depending on how long you used the whammy over the course of the song. Another example would be achieving a very high score on a particular song, in solo play, or specifically in a 4 play arrangement.

The best feature introduced this time around is by far the Party Mode. This enable you to turn on the XBOX, and start the game, and jump right into the gameplay without any menu navigation whatsoever. A random song will start automatically, press the respective yellow button on whichever controller you're using, pick your difficulty and you are playing. This can be done at anytime you choose, even mid song. A friend can do the same while you're playing without interruption. If someone is being a wuss because their fingers are bleeding, and they can't possibly play anymore, then they can just drop out of the song at anytime. If you'd like to create a playlist, you can do that as well. If you do not like one of the songs that plays you can skip it. Activision/Red Octane have thought of everything this time. You can even leave the game at the title screen and just watch the band play random songs.

Another thing about party mode that has to be mentioned is that any body can play any instrument at any time. You can have 4 singers, or 4 guitarists, or 4 bass guitarists, or 4 drummers (fucking crazy, but possible). And any player can switch from one instrument to another at anytime as well.

The Bad: Why the fuck is Kurt Cobain in the game? and Johnny Cash, Carlos Santana, Shirley Manson and the guy from Muse??? This is just retarded now. It adds nothing to the game, and the whole Kurt Cobain thing is just plain wrong. Kurt should not be singing a Stevie Wonder song... That is fucking retarded.

The track list has a bunch of songs that flat out suck... I love music, and I know a TON of it, but there are some songs included that no one in their right mind would enjoy playing. I don't know how they make their way into the game, but they need to stop.

There are not many songs that lend themselves well to a singer. That is a shame, as I really like singing, but if the majority of the songs are composed by band with singers that have not been through puberty yet, I have a terrible time singing. I realize that the song can be sung an octave lower, or higher when necessary, but it just doesn't feel the same.

Verdict: If you like Guitar Hero, you already have this probably. If you're on the fence, get hell off, you'll hurt yourself. If you haven't purchased a Guitar Hero yet, then this is the one to get! Improvements were made where they needed to be. Finally Guitar Hero is the perfect party game.

5 out of 5 rofls!

Game Review: Typing of the Dead

noreply@blogger.com (The Bearded One) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:47:00 +0000

Overview:
We all love killing zombies, and we all have to use a keyboard from day to day, well most of us. So why not combine both of these activities?

Typing of the Dead is a mod that was created from House of the Dead 2 back in 1999. Basically, it’s an educational typing game which is funny as hell.

First, all of the characters have replaced their guns with this sort of backpack / Sega Dreamcast / keyboard harness… thing. This makes me laugh my ass off every time there is a cut scene, which still includes the horrible voice acting from the original game. There everyone is, standing there killing zombies by pointing their keyboards at them lol.

When a zombie pops up, a random word or phrase is generated and you must type to kill said zombie or boss. Sometimes this makes for hilarious word combinations on-screen, I have stopped a few times just to laugh at the words that show up.

Here are a few that made me lol:

Sour beer
Boner
Throbbing
Enormous hair
Girlie show
Jichael Mackson (WTF? LOL)

Challenges also pop up in each area, things like killing ten zombies in X amount of time. These will usually all have the same genre of words showing up for each one, like names of flowers or articles of clothing ect ect…

They also incorporated hidden items, usually in a quick one letter keystroke when the character is moving around. One of them that I got so far was a zombie costume, this made the following cut scene even more ridiculous. There I am, as a zombie, wearing the Dreamcast backpack keyboard combo.

The zombies have had some changes made as well. In the original game, some of the zombies would be wielding knives or axes. In this, they have replaced them with things like toilet plungers and soup ladels.

The Good:
Teaching tool
Ironically enough, it is a pretty decent teaching tool for typing. If you mess up, your character dies, pretty simple.
Also the words and phrases get longer and tougher as the game progresses. The time you get to type them also gets shorter as the game goes on.

Funny as hell
The sheer hilarious aspect of this game is enough to make anyone try this at least once.

There are just so many things in this that will make you lol, you really need to try it. Some of them are as follows:

Killing zombies with a keyboard
Random hilarious word combinations
Hidden items
Zombies wielding ridiculous weapons
Horrible voice acting

Replay value
Also, the random words generated creates a good enough replay value, you never type the same thing twice from what I have seen. And, let’s face it, we all love killing zombies over and over again.

The Bad:
Some of the teaching aspects of the game fall short when you realize that you do not need to capitalize or use spaces when typing the words or phrases. (good god that rhymed, why?). This really only becomes annoying when you instinctively use spaces or the shift key when typing.

Verdict:
Great game, I personally think it is worth playing around with for a night or two just for shits and giggles.

Again, it’s a decent teaching tool, but if you are teaching a small child how to type, this obviously isn’t for them. Unless I ever have kids, then this is what they are getting :3

Other than that, probably something you would only break out for hilarity when your friends are over for a few hours.

I give it 4 out of 5 ROFLS.

Game Review: Cannabalt

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:34:00 +0000

Work. It's what gets us out of bed in the morning. It's what makes us slave like zombies 5 days a week for a pittance. It's what makes us drink. But most importantly, it's what makes us fuck around on the internet!

If you're like me and get bored easily, you tend to enjoy a good flash game to keep you entertained...you know, something simple. Cannabalt. What's Cannabalt you ask? It's the most intensely fun side scrolling flash game ever concieved, that only uses one button. GENIOUS!

You play the role of an unknown agent during what looks to be a massive alien invasion. Your mission: to jump. A lot.

You start the game by jumping through an office window, and then from building to building as you dodge waves of debris. There are also random boxes to get in your way and slow you down. There is a twist though, the longer you stay alive, the faster you must go. You'll eventually fall off the side of a crane or get pulverized into a fine bloody mist, but you will find yourself wanting more. Oh, did I mention it has a catchy tune?

In short, check out this game. You won't be disappointed.

LINK: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/510303

4 out of 5 ROFLs

Game Review: The Beatles: Rock Band

noreply@blogger.com (Ryan) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:18:00 +0000

Overview: The Rhythm game genre is one of my personal favs. I love music, and I think the interactivity with some of my favorite music that these games offer is awesome. I was first introduced to Guitar Hero 2 on the XBOX 360, and since then I have purchased every game involving plastic instruments for the 360 since. I have 3 plastic drum sets, 5 plastic guitars, and 3 microphones now... yeah, I'm hooked.

I have been very skeptical about entire music games devoted to single bands. So far the Guitar Hero franchise has "gone there" with Aerosmith, and Metallica... Aerosmith was OK, and Metallica was fucking awesome. I wonder though... Metallica is one of my favorite bands of all time, how widespread is their appeal to the target audience of these games.

Now here comes The Beatles: Rock Band. There is no question that their appeal is widespread... I don't know a single person who doesn't know and love at least a couple of their songs. This game was a potential gold mine as soon as it was announced. This game takes you through The Beatles career chronologically. The songs are grouped according to the general time they were released. It is basically a sequential list of songs that you go straight down, but there is so much atmosphere in each venue and dream sequence that it really gets you excited about playing each song.

The Good: The track list is excellent. Of course, I can't think of many Beatles songs that I wouldn't be happy to have included, so deciding on these songs must have been difficult. There are 45 songs announced but some songs double up (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band/With a Little Help From My Friends). So really there are 43.

The guitar/bass/drum note highways are laid out well. While easy, most songs are a lot of fun to play on instrument, and all songs are fun to play on at least one instrument.

3 singer harmonization is possible now. This works perfectly, unfortunately I do not know many people capable of harmonizing, aside from my wife. I could not convince my voice to do anything but match the note of the lead vocal track. I will continue working on that.

There are a ton of Beatles goodies that you can unlock, such as pictures and video clips.

DLC packs will be released each month throughout the rest of the year. All you need is love was released on the release date of the game. The entire Abbey Road album will be released on Oct. 20th. The entire Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album will be released in November, and finally the entire Rubber Soul album will be released in December. These packs are very welcome in my track list, and I look forward to seeing the additional dream sequences that will most likely be included (All You Need is Love included its own custom dream sequence).

Speaking of dream sequences, they should be explained/mentioned in this section as well. There were several years during The Beatles brief career in which they did not tour, but holed themselves in their recording studio on Abbey Road. Any song recorded during this time in the game starts out in Abbey Road Studio, and gradually fades into a "Dream Sequence". For example: Yellow Submarine starts in the studio but quickly fades into an entirely aquatic scene featuring none other than the Yellow Submarine, and each of the members of The Beatles. Each dream sequence looks beautiful, and you can't really get enough of them.

The graphics are quite good. They are what you would expect from a Rock Band title. Not too realistic, a bit cartoony, but you certainly can tell that Paul is Paul, Ringo is Ringo, George is George, and John is John. In each Beatles rendition the members of the band look accordingly (John has his long hair, and Paul has his full beard by the end of the story mode).

The Bad: Not enough songs... Every single song that the Beatles ever released should be included... Get on that shit Harmonix!!

Songs are all pretty easy... I managed to get 5 stars on every song on expert on guitar... scored 100% on many of them as well.

Verdict: If you like music, and the rhythm game genre, buy the damn game. That is really all there is to it... now I am going to go listen to some Beatles music and get through the rest of my day at work.

5 out of 5 Rofls

Game Review: Rolando (iPhone)

noreply@blogger.com (Ryan) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:01:00 +0000

Overview: I am not a handheld gamer normally. I purchased an iPod touch several months ago simply because that that thing does so damn much, and is a kickass MP3 player on top of it. Naturally I had to make a couple purchses on the apps store, but I always try to spend my money wisely. After a little investigation, I stumbled upon Rolando.

Rolando takes on a very unusual journey, one which might leave you a bit dizzy after you're done. The goal is simple, solve each level's puzzle by delivering Rolandos to the end of the level safely, more or less. You control an assortment of characters, all of which are circular, and roll when you tilt the the iPod (or iPhone). This a a really nifty mechanic, and one that is used to perfection in this game. That seems to be the only problem with gaming on the iPhone (or iPod) so far... there are a shit ton of games available, but most of that shit ton, are well... shit.

They are shit for numerous reasons, and one of the key reasons is simply, the developer does not focus on the medium's strengths (touch screen, and accelerometer)... they commonly make games that would work well on your typical handheld gaming device (DS or PSP) with their built in analog sticks, and d-pads. So they make on screen touch interfaces that take up very limited space on the iPod's (or iPhone's) screen. Who the hell wants to look around their fucking thumbs the entire time they are playing a game on that tiny ass screen? Rolando gracefully uses the iPhone's (or iPod's) strengths in all the right ways... I will get into this a bit later on.

The Good: There is so much that can be explained in this section, but I think I will stick to the real selling points. Rolando features incredibly intuitive gameplay. My 4 year-old daughter launched the app, and immediately understood that if she tilted the iPod (or iPhone) that the Rolandos would roll. She also quickly realized that if you flick up on the screen with a Rolando selected that they jump. With just that understanding you 're well on your way.

The difficulty ramps up, in exactly the way it should. After every couple levels a new game mechanic is introduced. Some mechanics are explained step by step, and some are left for the player figure out on their own. This adds a bit of spice the game every level, and kept me interested throughout the game.

The graphics are perfect for the iPhone (or iPod). It is completely cartoony, so the performance is excellent... no worries about framerate or anything. The soundtrack is excellent, and very well selected in my opinion. There are no licensed tracks or anything, and it is composed of only instrumentals, but they are the right instrumentals.

The Bad: I really love this game, and I don't have many problems with it that I can think of. There a couple cases where it is hard jump in the direction you want, and this results in restating a level two or three times, but I expect this is just "operator error".

The story was not at all a focus in this game... but what IS there is pretty good.

Verdict: Just buy the damn game if you have an iPod (or iPhone). You'll like it. I think it only costs like $5 now... well worth every penny.

This one gets 5 out of 5 Rofls

Game Review: Shadow Complex

noreply@blogger.com (charlie) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:53:00 +0000

Side scroller games are a thing of the past....not really. If you enjoyed such games as Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and the Metroid series, you need to play Shadow Complex. Beat the shit out of the game with minimal upgrades or spend countless hours figuring out ways to jump that extra two feet to get that secret. Find yourself following some chick into a cave and discovering a secret facility that seeks to take over the world. Dodge cameras, laser doors, then take the enemies' weapons and kick their own asses with them.

Good - This game brings classic side scrolling awesomeness back. You start off with the basics, and you find new shit to destroy the enemy with as you progress through the campaign. The game is definitely beatable without all of the secrets, so you're not forced to backtrack for shit. Collect pieces of a suit of armor that will let you make them your bitch. This game allows the player to shoot away from the player into the screen at enemies. As with any XBOX live game, you can compete with your friend's game progress. For example: Stomp more faces in, shoot more fucks in the head, kick more robot bug thingies. Aside from the campaign, there is an option to just do predetermined puzzles that increase in difficulty. These puzzles utilize most of the tactics used to achieve a higher completion percentage in the campaign.

Bad - The only thing I would change, like all games I enjoy, is the length of the story-line. I hate to see good games end. But, there different levels of difficulty and tons of achievements to unlock so it should keep the casual gamer busy for weeks.

Verdict - I should have listened to my friends sooner. As a diehard multiplayer fan, meaning I hate single-player anythings, this one caught my attention and had me wrapped up for days.

5 out of 5 Rofls

Movie Review: Inglorious Basterds

noreply@blogger.com (The Bearded One) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:03:00 +0000

When it comes to Quentin Tarantino, you either really like his movies or you don’t. Actually, I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t like his movies….. Whatever.

This movie was freaking amazing. If you are looking for a gore ridden, World War 2 era comedy, this is the one to see.

Good: Nazis getting their shit ruined. Seriously, this one is full of Nazis being killed and or maimed in some pretty awesome ways. Brad Pitt gave an awesome performance as an American leading a group of disgruntled Jews into Germany with the sole mission of killing “Gnatzis”.

Be on the lookout for:
Death by baseball bat
Scalping
Facial mutilation
Deception
Strudel
Gunshots to the crotch
Nazis smoking awesome pipes
Americans speaking horribly butchered French

Bad: The movie starts out pretty slow and jumps around a bit following several story lines, but it all comes together very well in the end, trust me. Also, some of the movie is in subtitles (for us non-German speaking folk), which is not a problem, unless you’re sitting behind someone with a fat ass head. The subs are at the *very* bottom of the screen. For the love of god Tarantino, move the subtitles higher on the screen!

Verdict: Go see this movie, whether you want to or not, you will enjoy it. Be it for the awesomeness, the comedy or good old fashioned Tarantino gore.

5 out of 5 Rofls

Game Review: Red Faction: Guerilla

noreply@blogger.com (Ryan) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:18:00 +0000

Overview: Welcome to Mars bitches! The latest game from Volition Inc. takes you back to the Red Planet as a member of the resistance (aka the Red Faction). Some of you might be familiar with the two earlier games from the series and thankfully this is nothing like them.

The Good: In this edition the perspective takes a step back into third-person. This really helps the player identify with the character. I find that sometimes first-person games put the player in the shoes of a faceless hero, and there always seems to be something missing. Usually games combat that emptiness with cutscenes, but then they take away from the action. Red faction, with the help of the third-person perspective have managed to create an immersive world, and a likeable character w/o many cutscenes at all. The narrative of the story is told mostly through radio transmissions from the Red Faction, and conversations with NPCs and chatter from the other inhabitants of the planet. This works pretty well, but I'll elaborate on that later on.

This game does a great job of empowering the player. A good example of this is the hammer that our main character has with him at all times. You can smash an entire building to bits with the hammer alone. THIS NEVER GETS OLD. The physics engine in this game should be the model for all open world games to follow from here on out. It just makes sense that if I knock the hell out of every load bearing support beam in a building with my big ass hammer, that the structural integrity of said building will decrease.... Eventually you will hit the sweet spot and feel the building shudder. Then you get the fuck out of Dodge and watch it fall to the ground... awesome.

There is a good assortment of other weaponry believe it or not, and you will find yourself switching out one weapon for another depending on the task/mission at hand. Whenever possible though, a good blow to the face with my trusty sledgehammer always was most satisfying.

The Bad: No game is perfect, and Red Faction: Guerilla is no exception. One of its biggest flaws is the simple lack of story driven missions. I think there are only about 20, but all but 4 or five of them seem unimportant, and no more interesting than the hundreds of side missions available to you. This is where the lack of custscenes kind of hurts Red Faction. Personally I like to have cutscenes in between story missions, it breaks up the action, and gives me a sense of accomplishment. The cutscene is something that I've earned by completing the previous mission, or it is an introduction to a new territory, or enemy. In Red Faction you are simply rewarded with "salvage" (Red Faction currency used for weapon upgrades), and a statistic stating you've beaten a number of story missions.

Another less than perfect aspect - Good luck driving on the Red Planet... Steering the shitty Marsian vehicles can be a complete pain in the ass. I understand that the terrain on Mars is rough, but if you're going to incorporate time trial missions into your game, make sure that the vehicles you give the players are at least somewhat fun to drive. This was unfortunate because it reduced many of the driving missions to pure annoyances.

Verdict: Red Faction: Guerilla is an excellent game. I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys smashing shit up... and also to anyone who likes open world gaming. There are also several modes of multiplayer available, and a DLC pack has been released already as well. The campaign took me a little over 12 hours on the normal difficulty, but there are still many side missions for me to come back to, and hours of multiplayer waiting for me.

An easy 4 out of 5 Rofls

The Geico Money

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:42:00 +0000

This Labor Day weekend, my family and I took a trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. This is basically a set of islands on the easternmost shore of NC. This morning my good buddy Jason and I decide to go surfing. About 30 minutes after hitting the water, I see this flying on a banner behind a plane: "This is the money you could be saving with Geico", followed by that sexy pile of cash shown above. It just goes to show you, he's always watching.

I give the Geico money 5 out of 5 ROFLs.

WE'RE BACK!!

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:49:00 +0000

So it's been about a year since my last post. Here at TRS we have been contemplating a comeback. So today, I am bringing back the reviews with something we have never done before. Food and drink!

Monster. My love. I recently found this behemoth of a can (24 ounces to be exact) in my local corner store. Once I tried these I became instantly addicted. Nevermind the fact that this drink provides 300% of every B vitamin, it also boasts 2500mg of shit that is probably giving me cancer. But guess what? Only 30 calories per can! Plus they give you a nifty screw top so you can save some for later.

To go with my monster, the clerk offered me a pack of these coconut m&m's for just .49 cents. I totally couldn't refuse. These limited edition coconut M&M's are a surprisingly delicious twist on the old time favorite. The size of these candies is about the same as the peanut variety, however the center contains chocolate (no nuts) that has added coconut flavour (artificial). There is nothing too overly exciting to say about these, because they are very simple: sugar, chocolate, and artificial coconut flavor. Just awesome.

The drink: 4.5 out of 5 rofls
The candy: 3 out of 5 rofls

Movie Review: The Forbidden Kingdom

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:32:00 +0000

Kung Fu lovers rejoice, Jackie Chan and Jet Li have finally been featured in the same movie! Don't worry about sharpening your katanas or equipping your armor, because this movie has enough sugar coating to give a Disney animator a cavity.

The good: Jet Li and Jackie Chan both display their extensive knowledge of the martial arts. Granted, there were plenty of the "Crouching Tiger" gravity defying moves to go around, however, in-between all of the fantasy fighting, some pretty intense fight scenes took place. One of the more notable fights was between Li and Chan. I was a bit disappointed because that fight was never "finished", it just ended abruptly. I'm pretty sure Jackie Chan would have had his ass handed to him in real life though.

The bad: Hollywood had their way with this movie. I seriously don't know what to be more mad at: The fact that two of the greatest martial artists to ever get to the silver screen have to waste their time trying to act when they could have been coordinating complex fight scenes, OR, the kid they hired to play in the movie. He was seriously a pussy. I felt like the kid was so far out of place that it almost ruined every bit of excitement that I had built up for the movie. I'm not going to hate on him too much, but he pretty much ruined the movie. I also was not too fond of the magical elements that were used in the fight scenes. This is supposed to be a KUNG FU MOVIE, not Lord of the F*cking Rings!

Verdict: If you are a fan of Jet Li's mind numbing karate, or Jackie Chan's ability to play the role of a drunken karate master, go watch this movie. Just be sure to practice your own drunken master technique before you go or you just might enrage like I did.

This movie gets 3 out of 5 ROFLs.

Preview: Gears of War 2

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:19:00 +0000

It is finally time for xbox 360 owners to start getting truly excited again, as we prepare for the launch of Gears of War 2. The second installment of Epic's killer FPS is sure to bring gamers all of the excitement that the original brought...and then some.

The first noteworthy detail to mention is the addition of some new characters:

Tai Kaliso - The warrior from a spiritual, and meditative background who promises to bring a fresh and exciting personality to the game

Chairman Prescott - The superior above the asshole Hoffman. He apparently gives an inspirational speech at the beginning of the game

Dizzy - The father of a stranded family who was taken in by the COG forces, in exchange for Dizzy's service to the COGs.

Maria Santiago - Dom's wife...about time Gears got some T&A!

Gears of War 2 starts 6 months after the light mass bomb incident at the end of the last game. A new campaign mode will make it easy for even the most casual players pick up the controller and have a blast. There is also a new feature that will allow two Co-Op players to play on different difficulties. Oh yea, and the new monsters are rumored to make you their bitch...hardcore. I must say that I am most excited about getting to drive a COG tank, which apparently can be compared to the love child of a monster truck and a conventional tank. Not much has been said about the multiplayer. This is because Epic is keeping the details on the hush.

All in all, Gears of War 2 will be one of, if not the greatest game of 2008. I am thoroughly excited about it and I will definitely be getting a pre-order as soon as they become available! Look for Gears of War 2 in stores this November.

Great Time Killer: Magic Pen

noreply@blogger.com (Ryan) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:20:00 +0000

I occasionally check in on all the popular gaming blog sites... ok, I constantly check in on them. One of my favorites had an interesting post today, regarding a new online game called Magic Pen. I was intrigued by the way this game was described, and had to try it out.

Magic pen is a puzzle game, where you create the puzzle pieces, by drawing them with... you guessed it, the "Magic Pen". The objective is to make a red ball (featured in every level) collect flags within the levels. The ball does not move by itself, and that is where the "puzzle pieces" you draw, come in to play. The game has a physics engine that affects your puzzle pieces in exactly the way you would expect them to. For example, if you create a box in midair, the box falls to the ground, gaining speed, and momentum on the way down. If the box is a small box, whatever it hits on the ground may not respond at all. If the box is huge, it may knock all other existing "puzzle pieces" all over the place. There are of course some restrictions, which are detailed in the game's tutorial/instruction segment.

The "graphics" are pretty nice and clean for a flash game, they almost look as if everything has been drawn on a piece of construction paper, and you are just adding to the existing picture. The sound consists of a neat little guitar/drum track that just loops. So far I haven't had to mute it or anything, but with the same song looping on and on forever, I expect that will happen soon enough.

Album Review: Keep Telling Myself it's Alright - Ashes Divide

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:55:00 +0000

This morning I left my home early and set out to purchase the new Ashes Divide album "Keep Telling Myself it's Alright". After hearing the title track "The Stone" on the radio a few times I was convinced that I would love the rest of the album...boy was I right (not the first time).

For those of you who do not know, Ashes Divide is a band formed by Billy Howerdel of A Perfect Circle. Also in the band are Josh Freese, Devo Keenan (Maynard's son), and former APC bassist Paz Lenchantin. I like to think of this band as "A Perfect Circle Lite". The sounds that come from Ashes Divide are very similar to that of A Perfect Circle, and some of the guitar solos have a hint of Tool in them as well. There are not enough positive adjectives that I can use to describe this work. When Maynard told the French magazine "Rock Hard" that APC was done forever in 2006, many of us were deeply upset. I was extremely satisfied by this album because it has filled the gaping hole in music that APC left (at least somewhat anyway). I suppose this will have to do until the next Tool album is released.

Ashes Divide has everything a fan of progressive rock would enjoy: Complex and interesting guitar riffs, powerful vocals, and a distinctive sound that can be recognized from a mile away.

If Maynard did the vocals for Ashes divide, they would have been even more amazing.

I give this album 4.5 out of 5 ROFLs

Internet Superstar Showdown

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:17:00 +0000

So I was watching TV last night and I came across what I consider to be one of the funniest South Park episodes in existence. Basically Canada goes on strike and the boys try to make money on the internet by creating a video called "what in the butt" featuring Butters. When they go to collect their theoretical "internet dollars" they meet up in a waiting room with all of the other internet celebrities who are also waiting to collect their "internet money". Just watch and laugh.

If it isn't broken, DON'T FIX IT!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Ryan) — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:36:00 +0000

Last night I watched a documentary on Metallica titled "Some Kind of Monster". It followed Metallica down the troubled path to the completion of their last album, "St. Anger".

Metallica has been around since 1981, with their first studio release, "Kill em All", a thrash metal album. That album was made of testosterone, and guitar solos. This formula worked so well for Metallica, for so many years... and then came St Anger.

Some say that the shift came with their self titled album (AKA The Black Album). There is a noticible difference between that album and anything before it, but the heart of Metallica's music was still intact. St. Anger was equivalent to a heart attack. The sound was completely different. Kirk Hammet's awesome guitar solo's were all but completely gone. Their guitars were suddenly tuned down to Drop C, and Metallica's sound more resembled that of Limp Bizkit than Metallica. What the hell happened?

In "Some Kind of Monster" the reason for the drastic changes are explained in full, but there is one thing in particular that I would like to elaborate on. Bands, later in their career, start to feel that their sound is getting stale, and that it is time to refresh it, with some more modern riffs, guitar tunings, effects, etc... Basically they change the entire structure of their songs to fit the time period. Sometimes this is the right thing to do, but in this case it was F&$*KING stupid. They have sold almost 100 million records since they debuted. Sales have never really slowed. Records are probably still selling quite well (with the exception of St. Anger I'm sure.)

I sincerely hope that their next attempt at an album (due this Fall) will prove to be the return of Metallica, as I know and love them. According to some statements made by Metallica, and the record's production team, the album is shaping up to be exactly what I am looking for, a return to the past. Good ol' fasion heavy hitting Metallica. Lars has even said himself that this album will not be a "St. Anger Part II".

Also, the first single from this new album will be released on Rock Band, before the actual album is release. What a great marketing tool Rock Band can be.

Which brings me to a final point. Metallica needs to take full advantage of Rock Band. They love money, and we Rock Band players love playin Metallica songs, and have to pay money to play them. I hope to see a bunch of their albums released for Rock Band in the future.

BUT NOT ST. ANGER... piece of shit album.

We need some sauce in here STAT!

noreply@blogger.com (Patrick) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 12:57:00 +0000

So yesterday, Ryan and I go hit up the local Taco Bell (like we do). It wasn't long after ordering my delicious double-decker tacos that the lady behind the counter asked "Would you like any sauce?". Of course I responded "It's ok, I'll get it myself". As I turn around to grab five (or ten) of those delicious fiery little sauce packets, I am stopped dead in my tracks as I realize they have moved the sauce BEHIND THE COUNTER. I turn once again to the middle aged lady and say "I'll take some fire sauce." (my favorite). She gave me THREE F*&$ING SAUCES. (For all of you mathematicians out there that's one packet per taco.

Luckily for me, Ryan enjoys eating disgusting bland food and does not use any hot sauce on his tacos, so I send him up to the counter to snag me 3 more packets (which I rationed out like Anne Frank would have, had she been hiding in a taco bell storage closet). This whole ordeal has turned me against Taco Bell. The food was somewhat bearable when I was able to burn my taste buds into submission. Now There is no point. Apparently Taco Bell is under the assumption that there is going to be a gigantic shortage of taco sauce in the near future so the executives are stock-piling the remaining supplies to ride out the cold winter of a sauceless era. Did the Taco Bell sauce production facility go up in flames? Did the workers go on strike? Bad move, Taco Bell...bad move.

I suppose next week Buffalo Wild Wings will only offer sauceless wings in an effort to cut costs.