Today I’ll be going into Day 11 of the Challenge, and it’s been an interesting ride so far.

Let me summarize…

Day 5:

Pretty uneventful class. Felt strong and made it all the way through with no issues.

Day 6:

I missed class because I was running late and there was an accident on the highway. I missed it by just 6 minutes. AAAAAGHHHHH. Lesson learned however. I need to budget enough time to get to the new studio, particularly during rush hour! This put me TWO classes behind, which meant I was looking at doubling up on classes over the long weekend.

Day 7:

I woke up bright and early and made it to an 8am class, planning to do a back-to-back double.  I was a little nervous having never done this before. I have heard from those who have that it’s actually a great experience.  They say that since your body is so energized and relaxed after the first class, the second is often easier.  After the first class, I used the 1/2 hour in between to drink some water and cool down a little. There was another woman who was staying for the second class too. She is on day 35 of a 60 day challenge!  WOW. Impressive. It was really comforting knowing I wasn’t alone in doing a double that day.

The second class went surprisingly well. I felt pretty strong and was able to do all the postures without sitting anything out. I did start to feel a little headachey towards the end of the class. By the time I got home however I had a killer headache which lasted all day. I thought it might be dehydration, but I drank copious amounts of water and tried to refuel my minerals with a big green smoothie all to no avail. My conclusion is that the doubles triggered a detox reaction. I’ve had similar headaches when I’ve been fasting or doing a detox of some kind. I ended up resting and sleeping as much as possible for the rest of the day and the headache was gone in the morning.

Day 8

I did two classes again this day, but not back-to-back. I did the 9am class at the new studio. I felt horribly weak and sore for this one after the doubles of the day before. My back was creaky and achy and I was very gentle with myself. I even sat out some postures.

I went home right after that to eat and try to grab a nap before a 2pm class at my home studio. The class was OK. I felt stronger than I’d expected and I think I did all the postures.

The good news is that I was now caught up on my classes. 8 Days, 8 Classes. Woooohooooooo!

Day 9

I did another 9am class since it was a holiday (Labor Day) here. Again I didn’t feel particularly strong in this class. In fact I felt weak and it took all my focus to stay in the room and not run screaming from the building. Although come to think of it I didn’t have the energy to run anywhere.

I sat out a LOT of postures. More than I have since I first started taking Bikram. It’s all good though. I didn’t beat up on myself. Again, that’s probably because I didn’t have the energy.  I made it through the class and some days that’s the greatest accomplishment you could ask for.

Day 10

Another not so great class. I felt a little weak and nauseous. I have only myself to blame. I didn’t do a great job of hydrating all day prior to class. Silly me. I know better. Isn’t it funny how we sometimes do the wrong thing, even though we DO know better and even though we know it will cause us pain?

————

So there you have it folks. 10 Days, 10 Classes already completed.

Time to start fundraising

10 days has gone so quickly, and I haven’t really done any serious fundraising other than telling a few friends about it. Not many people read my blog anymore, so I need to get my butt in gear and start spreading the word. After all this is not just about me and my practice. It’s about raising money for KG6!

So over the next few days I will begin a serious media campaign. Social media that is. I don’t think I’ll be showing up on the 10 O’Clock news anytime soon.

I have raised $55 thus far, thanks to a generous donation by my lovely, lovely friend Deb. She is awesome!

Only $3645 to go!

My state of mind in class on Day 4, can only be described as distracted.

I rushed into class with my mind stuffed to overflowing with all the annoyances of the day, and it took me a long time to get rid of them.

You know how it is…

It was a busy day with too many things to do, and not enough time to do them all. Demands from all directions, and me feeling slightly crazed and wondering how it would all get done.

I left for class a little later than I wanted, given the fact that this was the first time I was making the commute to the new studio from home. I was cutting it close. If I didn’t make it there in time I’d have to wait 2 hours until the next class began.

Of course as I set out, I realized I had almost no gas. I was annoyed with myself. Why hadn’t I gotten gas last night when I wasn’t in a rush? I stopped at a gas station on the way. The attendant who came over to me was new on the job and couldn’t figure out how to work the pump. He had to wait for help.

I felt myself getting irritable and impatient as I waited for the other guy to come over, and then as he (in my mind) slowly showed the new guy what to do.

I had asked for $20 worth of gas. When I looked over to the pump wondering why it was taking so long, I realized it was still going and was now at $25.

“Excuse me. Excuse me… I only asked for $20.” I yelled at the guy out of the window, now thoroughly exasperated and not a little pissed off.

As it’s happening, there is a part of me – the me I like to call Big Sue – who knows that it’s not that serious. Because Big Sue is the grown up, spiritually mature me, who always takes the high road. She is kind and compassionate and knows what’s really important in life. She always keeps things in perspective and always leads with love.

However this time Big Sue is totally overridden by Lil’ Sue.  The petulant, angry, impatient, spoiled and hysterical Sue, who thinks everything is all about her and wants nothing but her own instant gratification. She is fearful and paranoid and is convinced the world is out to get her.

The guy apologizes, and while Big Sue understands and knows that it was an innocent mistake Lil’ Sue just insists on being pissed off and acts as if the guy did this intentionally just to make her late for class. Big Sue knows she should be more compassionate, the poor man is learning  a new job after all.

He apologizes again, and while I open my mouth and say it’s OK, I do so with an attitudinal roll of the eyes and a pissy sigh. I can see from the guys eyes, that he is well aware  that I don’t genuinely mean it. I drive away angrily and get on the highway. I am watching the clock and groaning in frustration as other cars “get in my way” and periodically slow to a crawl just to mess with me.

I have all the physical symptoms of being late.  There is a knot in my stomach. My body is taut. Jaw clenched. I am barely breathing. I lean forward in my seat driving like I’m in a car chase. Dodging from one lane to the next (Like that’s really going to get me there faster.)

When I finally get near the yoga studio, I take the wrong exit.

*@(&$(@#$&#($&!

I have to make a U-turn.

When I turn onto the street that the studio is on, it’s only to discover that there is road work being done. I wait impatiently while a police offer directs traffic coming from the opposite direction. It seems to take forever. I have 6 minutes to make it into the studio, otherwise the doors will be locked.

Finally, he signals to the cars coming from my direction to move.

I inch forward only to discover that the paving machines are right in front of the driveway I need to get into.

I say a very rude word out loud.

I roll my window down and ask the officer how I might get into the building parking lot and he tells me I have to turn around and go back the way I came, go around the block to the other entrance.

I scream the rude word again in my mind. (Not even Lil’ Sue is crazy enough to curse in front of the police).

My arch nemesis - the dreaded Triangle posture. Performed here by Emmy Cleaves a Principal Bikram yoga teacher. She has been practicing Bikram Yoga since 1973...the year I was born! She's amazing!!

After going back the way I came, barreling around the corner on two wheels and almost hitting a dumpster as I screech into a parking space, I grab my stuff and run into the building.

I make it just in time to grab my mat and towel. There is a sign on the door of the hot room, reminding me that I am  entering a quiet space and suggesting that I take a deep breath and relax. I read the sign, but I’m not sure it sinks in.

I try to find a spot, where I can see myself in the mirror. I am annoyed because people have arranged themselves in a way which makes this difficult. If that big guy in front of me would be courteous enough to scoot a little to the left I could see myself. And if the lady to my right had the common sense to move to the right, I wouldn’t feel like she was on top of me. Neither one of them moves, so I resign myself to this spot and lay down on my mat.

I try to relax and breathe, but my body is tense and stiff.  Luckily the teacher comes in and we have to get to our feet to begin the class.  I follow her voice as she issues instructions but my mind is running.  I feel like the new kid in class. Everyone here has clearly been practicing for longer than me. They are “better” than me.

Like most Bikram teachers, our instructor offers posture corrections and compliments to people as we go through the class. I get paranoid because she for a long time doesn’t say anything directly to me. No corrections. No compliments. Nothing. Maybe I’m so bad that she thinks there’s no hope for me. Or perhaps – Lil’ Sue chimes in – it’s because I’m the only black person in the room. (I told you she was paranoid).

About halfway through the class she finally compliments me on my Triangle posture. The most difficult of all 26 postures. I  feel ridiculously relieved and pleased.

I never cease to be amazed by how deep my need for approval runs.

At this point my mind starts to unclench a little. I relax into the class and focus on my eyes in the mirror. Breathing a  little more deeply with each passing minute.  The wet heat seems to soak all the way into my body, making me fully relax my tensed muscles.

It is only when we get to the second part of the class, the floor series that I remember why I’m here.  I lie on on my back in dead body pose, gaze focused on a spot in the ceiling and I think about my challenge. About the reason why I rushed here like a crazy person. How astonishing that this thought only comes into my mind now.

When I first decided to do the challenge, I told myself that I would begin each class with a silent dedication to the students of KG6. 3 classes in and I’ve already forgotten. I think about this, not with judgment, but with awareness. One of the many reasons this practice has become so important to me is because – even though it sometimes takes a while – it does eventually have the effect of shutting Lil’ Sue up. No matter how hysterical she is when I arrive, eventually the blanketing heat, the hum of the heaters, the gentle cadence of the instructor’s voice and the deep focused breathing of the class eventually still the hysteria and Lil’ Sue takes a nap.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
~Anais Nin

Classes completed as of Day 3: 2

Standing Bow Pulling Pose - my favorite pose of all. It's so beautiful, and makes me channel my inner warrior woman. I should mention that I look nothing like this when I do it. Someday... (Image: ilikegranola)

It’s actually the dawning of Day 4 as I report out on days 2 and 3. I was so exhausted when I came home last night that all I was capable of was eating then falling asleep on the couch! I didn’t even have the strength to make it to the bed.

It’s early on in my challenge and I’m already faced with the prospect of having to take two classes in a day to make up for the fact that missed class on Day 2. This was due to my crazy work week and other logistical challenges (i.e. having a drink with some of the lovely friends I’ve been working with for the past few days instead of going to class ).

I’m not worried though, I knew I would have to doubles at some point because of my work schedule, I just didn’t expect it would be right at the beginning. I think I will do the double class sometime this weekend. We have a long weekend (Labor Day) coming up here in the US, so that’s a perfect opportunity for extra classes. Also, given that I’ve really just started back up after a week long break, I’m not sure that my body is ready to tackle a double  just yet.

So my day 3 class last night was great, and I actually went to a new Bikram Yoga studio. I’ve been wanting to try this place for a while, and since it’s near where I’ve been working this week, I decided to finally try it out.  I was also lured by the thought of the new member special (10 Days of  unlimited classes for $35). So for the next 10 days this is where I’ll be practicing. Its requires a little more driving than my regular studio (25 minutes as compared to 5 minutes) but I’m willing to do it for 10 days. After that I’ll decide which studio I’ll do the rest of the challenge at.

The cool thing is that many of the instructors teach at both studios.  In fact I walked in to discover that one of them was teaching last night. I haven’t taken many classes with her at my old studio as some of the other instructors, so it was nice to have her lead us last night, and it was a really great class. There were a handful of people, but I found everyone to be very  focused and determined, which helps immensely. The collective energy in the room really affects the quality of your practice.

Life is full of so many “coincidences” or “signs”. Last night as I was driving over to the studio guess what song I caught on the radio? You guessed it.  “Live like you’re dying.” You might not be thinking that this is much of a coincidence but it really is. Firstly, I heard the song for the first time the other day. If I ever did hear it played somewhere, it didn’t register in my brain until then.  Secondly I hardly ever listen to the radio in the car because I’m usually listening to my own music.  It just seems weird that in the 10 minute drive to the yoga studio, I would happen to listen to the radio and the song would happen to play again. Hmmmm……  Anyway, clearly this song has to be my official challenge theme song.

Another coincidence last night, is that the instructor, happened to ask me where I was from originally. When I told her Zimbabwe, she surprised me by sharing that she had been there before and loved it! She told me how much she wanted to go back. Believe me when I tell you that it is very  unusual to meet people who have been to Zimbabwe. How interesting that even though we’ve seen each other plenty of times, she asked me this question now, as I begin this challenge?

Finally, she ended the class by sharing the Anais Nin quote at the beginning of this post with us, something she has never done in any other class I’ve taken with her.  If it were possible to have a favorite quote, this would be mine. How interesting that she should happen to share a quote and it would happen to be this one.

So coincidences? Signs? You decide.

Personally I like to think of all these things as moments of grace. Blessings. Reminders from the universe that everything is as it should be.

I was  little apprehensive going in because I hadn’t been to class for more than a week. I was worried that my body might have a hard time adjusting to being back in the heat. Especially since I did a little bit of “indulging” over the past week – something which is guaranteed to cause some difficulties in the hot room.  As it turns out I actually had a really strong, focused and powerful class. It was led by one of my favorite instructors, the room was full and the energy was high. There was a whole lot of sweating going on, and the heat felt pretty delicious to me today.

Here I am - hot, sweaty and very happy after class on Day 1

It’s late on Day 1 and I’m writing this post right before I fall into bed.  I didn’t have any free time to write after class, because I had to go back to work at a clients office. I was doing a network installation yesterday which went way longer than I expected so I ended up having to go back there today.

I had a few thoughts after class which I intended to share, but given that I’m so tired I can barely type, I’m going to  save them for another day.

I will say this though…

When I walked out of the yoga studio this morning, I was profoundly and deeply grateful. For everything in my life… even the difficult, painful, sucky sad stuff .  I felt gratitude  for being able to practice this yoga, for being able to do this challenge and for this earthly container that my spirit has been walking around in for 36 years.

It was one of those moments of clarity which come to me not often enough, in which I am achingly aware of how much of a gift my life is. No matter how “difficult” I sometimes imagine it to be.

When I got into my car, a song started to play on the radio -  Live Like You’re Dying by Kris Allen. How perfect and right on time. It was the perfect soundtrack for what I was feeling in that moment.

It occurs to me that one of the  reasons why I’ve become a crazy Bikram Yoga addict is that practicing this yoga makes me feel more and more aware of being alive.

With awareness comes gratitude and with gratitude I am able to more often remember to live like I’m dying.

One of the lines in the song says “we only got 86 400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away”.

5400 hot, sweaty seconds a day starts to feel like less of  a sacrifice when I realize that it’s helping me to remember this important lesson.

Live like you’re dying.

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
~Mahatma Gandhi

I am returning to the empty, echoing , long neglected digital rooms of this blog to talk about something I am really excited about.

In celebration of my 37th birthday this year,  I have decided to commit myself to a very special challenge.

Earlier this year, I began practicing Bikram yoga -  an  intense series of 26 yoga postures performed for 90 minutes in a room heated to 105 degrees Fahrenheit and 40% humidity.

In the 37 days  leading up to my birthday I will be challenging myself to take 37 Bikram Yoga classes.

My goal…

…is to raise  $3700 in 37 days in support of an amazing institution – the King George VI Rehabilitation Center (KG6)in my home town of Bulawayo, Zimbabwe.

I believe the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to be a gift to other people, so with that in in mind I will be using this birthday challenge as an opportunity to be of service.

About KG6

KG6 is a home for children with physical disabilities. It is the ONLY home of its kind in Zimbabwe and is an incredible place.  Please watch this video to learn more about  KG6.

How you can Help KG6

If you are so moved, you can help me to celebrate my 37th journey around the sun by making a donation to the  students of KG6. No matter the amount, it all helps!

If you can’t donate, then just send me lots of good energy and pray that I stay strong and healthy and determined throughout the days of the challenge.

Why I Chose KG6 for this challenge

I grew up near KG6. In fact my parents home is just a few blocks away. I knew what it was, drove by it all the time and often saw the students in the neighborhood, but I never went inside, and as a teenager, I knew very little about what went on there.

17 years since I moved away from home, it came back on my radar when the film Music by Prudence won this year’s Oscar for Best Documentary Short Subject.

The film is about a remarkable young woman, Prudence Mabhena, who was born with condition called  arthrogryposis, which causes deformed joints. She lost both legs, and it is difficult for her to use her arms.  Abandoned by her parents, she was raised by her grandmother and received both her primary and secondary education at KG6.  At only 21 years old, she is now a teacher there.

Prudence is an incredibly gifted singer and leads the band Liyana which began as a class project a KGG6.

Earlier this year I met Prudence and Ross Williams, the director of the film at a screening here in NJ.

It was the first time I’d seen the film and I was moved to tears. I was so inspired by the personal story and the challenges that this remarkable young woman has not only endured, but overcome.

Prudence also performed a few songs, and when she sang I was swept away by the sheer power of her voice and all the emotion it seemed to truly rain down on the entire room.

I introduced myself to her.  She was stunned to learn that I grew up right around the corner from KG6, yet here we were meeting in Metuchen, NJ of all places.  Small, small world. I loved her instantly. She is beautiful, bright, down-to-earth, funny and all together lovely.

My mother, who is a retired school teacher will be volunteering at KG6, teaching composition and creative writing there.  Go Mama. She is a fantastic teacher and I know she will be gift to those students as much as they will be a gift to her.

Following my Mom’s example of service,  it seems to make perfect sense that I donate the money from my Birthday Yoga Challenge to KG6.

The Plan

• Between August 29th, and October 4th, 2010 I will take 37, 90 minute Bikram yoga classes.  These 37 sessions will be dedicated to the students of KG6.

• I will ask everyone I know (and lots of people that I don’t) to support my challenge by making a donation to this amazing organization.
• The donations will go to Friends of King George VI, a US registered 5o1c3 non-profit organization. All donations are tax-deductible.
• 100% of the money raised will be used to pay school fees and living expenses for KGIV students.
• I will blog throughout my challenge right here on The Sublime Passage.

How You can Donate

If you’re interested in making a donation, visit my  Challenge Page on CrowdRise.com : http://www.crowdrise.com/37daybikramchallenge/fundraiser/suenyoni

If you’d prefer to mail a check, please send checks to the US representative, Scilla Wahrhaftig, 7514 Kensington St, Pittsburgh PA 15221.  All checks should be made out to Friends of King George VI. In order to allow me to track my progress, please be sure to note on your check that the money is for my challenge, and then send me an e-mail so I can add your donation to my total (sue [at] concioustechnology [dot] net).

Please donate any amount that you can, no matter how small.  $3, $7, $37 or more! It would take just 100 of my closest friends donating $37 each for me to reach my goal.

So, I’m leaving for the first class of the challenge.  Bring on Day 1!

Learn More

If you’d like to learn more about KGIV, Prudence Mabhena and Liyana here are some additional links for you to peruse.

KG IV Website: http://www.kinggeorge6.org/

Music By Prudence Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMJKbqwA5VY

Music By Prudence Website: http://www.musicbyprudence.com/

KGIV YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/liyanakg6

It delivered.

I was chatting online with a friend I have not seen for 12 years. We chatted for several hours, catching each other up on the happenings in our lives.

She asked me to fill her in on the details of my love life. So I tried to encapsulate 10+ years of  dating drama. I concluded my synopsis by saying “I’m not sure what the deal is with dating unavailable/inaccessible men”.

Her reply was instant: “You date unavailable men because you’re a commitment phobe darling”.

I was stunned. I felt as if the entire landscape of my life had just shifted.

I had never seen it that way.

As my brain scrambled to process this notion – a sinking feeling came over me. She was absolutely right.

The next day I called my best friend to ask her opinion.  I shared the conversation with her. There was silence on the phone then she said, “WOW!  WOW!.”

“Am I really a commitmentphobe?”  I asked desperately, holding onto a tiny kernel of hope that she might completely discount the idea. Instead she said, “Yes. I think its true. You don’t want to commit”.

I know I said I wanted to see things differently but holy cow!

So all these years that I’ve been blaming the guys I dated it was ME all along. Oh the horror.

The more I thought about it, the more it became clear to me that I knew the truth along. I knew better than to place blame outside of myself. I’ve known better for a long time, but I was hanging onto to this story I’d chosen to tell myself about it. That, in my dating life, I was the long-suffering victim of what Bridget Jones called “commitmentphobics” and emotional “f***wits”.

The more I think about it the more sense it makes and I realize how obvious it has been all along  and just how tightly I was clutching onto being right instead of seeing what in my heart and head I knew to be true.

I know that nothing in our lives is ever about other people. The relationships in our lives are but mirrors which reflect back to us all our own beliefs about ourselves and about the world.

They mirror back to us what we believe we do or don’t deserve and what we expect.

Even if we’re saying we want something different with our mouths -it doesn’t matter. The mirror will always show what we BELIEVE we deserve.

I’ve been saying I want all kinds of thing but truth be told I’ve been believing something totally different.

If we’re willing to admit it we’ll see that the mirror shows us the stark reality of all our fears. All our wounds.

The good news is that when we change our true beliefs, the mirror can reflect back abundant  joy, peace, love, and all that is good!

We just have to give up our stories. Delve beneath the surface for the beliefs that no longer serve our good and let them go!

It all starts with being willing to see things differently…

“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”~Kahlil Gibran

This morning I am filled with gratitude for what is.

I open my eyes to a benediction of  sunshine after several days of rain here on the East Coast.

The sun reaches its way into my apartment and I am reminded again of how grateful I am for my perch atop this lovely old house for there is no place where the light does not reach.

Through the window of my bedroom all I see are tree tops, backed by cloud-tinted sky. I am grateful for their presence and I am even more grateful that even in this urban suburb I live in, I can hear birdsong, backed by a soundtrack of chirping insects. The symphony is made no less sweeter by being periodically muffled by the hum of an approaching and then receding vehicle.

After I wake, I walk down the block for coffee. Eager to fill my mug  with a fragrant brew pressed from Colombian beans.

As I walk, I think that no Sunday morning could be more beautiful.  There is little traffic and I walk with the sun – arms around each other like new lovers.

In front of the store, I cross paths with a man.  He has a well-lived face wreathed in wrinkles. His eyes are of a soft and faded blue, like that of an often washed shirt.

We walk towards each other . I – empty, expectant coffee mug in hand; he – hands in the pockets of the baggy khaki pants his slight body barely seems to inhabit.

We look each other in the eye as we approach. We smile. He blesses me with a greeting ” Good morning darling.” which issues forth in the most delightful Irish brogue!

“Good morning. ” I reply with a grin.  “It’s a beautiful day.”  he says.   I agree.

The exchange is brief and during its course, we each continue our progress. We both turn as we walk, so we can hold each others gaze. It’s as if we both sense the magic of this moment. This brief touching of souls on a  sunny Sunday morning. We don’t want it to end.

I turn back the way I have come to look at him fully. “Enjoy the sunshine.” I say.

He laughs and answers “At the age of 80 my darling, I have no choice but to enjoy the sunshine.”

He turns and walks away, whistling softly under his breath, leaving his parting words lodged firmly in my heart.

I say a brief prayer of gratitude for him.

I pray that I don’t have to wait until I am 80 to wear the mantle of perfect gratitude which is draped around his shoulders.

I pray that gratitude is never a choice for me, but a given.

I pray that in every moment of my life I carry with me gratitude for all that is. For the simple. For the sublime. For the joy. The pain. For the sweet, aching joy of being alive.

This is how I’ve been feeling lately. I can’t believe I’m still talking about certain issues in my life.

Just when I think I’ve grown in a certain area, I seem to come circling back to it. In fact often it feels like I come back to it in an even worse way then I did the last time. It’s like putting on the weight you lost, plus a little extra.

It’s certainly happened to me with my weight, but there are a number of hot topics for me. For example I can’t believe I’m still talking about the same issues around relationships. I can’t believe that I am still experiencing insecurity and neediness in this regard. Shouldn’t this have stopped in my 20′s? How can it still be such hot topic?   How can a tiny little thing like seeing a picture of an ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend send me spiraling into a frenzy of comparison which leads me to conclude that our relationship didn’t work because I am not as beautiful/interesting /sexy/brilliant as she is. No wonder he broke up with. Who could blame the guy?  I get to feeling so bad about myself that I have to call for help – being talked down from the precipice yet again by my lovely friends. They remind me of  how wonderful I am, administering the kind of emergency care that only girlfriends can give.  A good bottle of wine, a decadent meal, lots of laughter, lots of love and praise. After a while I am able to step back from the precipice. The bottom line though is I can’t believe I’m still talking about this!

There are other places in my life where this happens. Lately its started to make me feel really disheartened. When does it ever end?  Why doesn’t it ever end? Why doesn’t it get better? Why am I back here again?

Last night, after listening to me talk about an issue yet again, a friend asked me “Are you ready to be wrong?” I couldn’t answer immediately.

As I thought about it, it occurred to me that maybe all the things I’m still talking about are those which I haven’t yet been ready to be wrong about. YET.

So many of us hold on to things – whether its feeling bad ourselves or having anger and resentment towards people in our lives because we are so committed to being “right”.  If there is a place where we can’t heal, can’t forgive, can’t forget, can’t move on – its a sure bet that we are clinging  tightly to the way we’ve always seen the situation and we are not yet willing to be open to the possibility that we are wrong about it. Even if its painful we cling on. Even when on some level we KNOW better – know that we need to let something go because its hurting us – we continue to hang on. “Why am I still hanging on to this when I know better?”, I asked my friend.  “Because it doesn’t hurt enough yet” she replied. Ouch.

It hurts enough. In fact it hurts more than enough.

I’m ready and willing to be wrong about a this.  I’m willing to see it differently.

There is a washing machine in the basement of the house I live in. It sits directly beneath a window which is a favorite spot for my landlord’s cats Persephone and Zoe. They jump on to the washer en route to the window ledge which affords them a grand view of the driveway.  They are not little cats and their repeated jumping onto the washer has shifted the sensor mechanism in the lid.  When you use the washer, it stops as soon as it fills with water.  Getting it to continue requires a delicate operation of nudging the lid to the left – while it’s closed – until the sensor engages and the machine starts running.

I was getting ready to go on a trip and ran down to the basement to do a load of laundry. It had been a while, so I’d forgotten what the trick was. Feeling a little silly, I called my landlord who explained to me again that I just needed to nudge the lid to the back left corner.  It sounded simple enough, but after 15 minutes I just couldn’t get the damn thing to turn on. Luckily my neighbor came home then. SHE knows the trick and she demonstrated it for me.  Her version of the trick turned out to be a little more involved.

First she opened the lid – which was dented inwards because of the weight of the cats. She gave it a quick punch which popped it back out.  Then she closed it and pushed down on it several times.  Finally she nudged it to the left, pushed firmly down on it again – and it started right up. I felt relieved, thinking that my landlord had only given me half of the trick. No wonder it hadn’t worked

The next day I went to do another load of laundry. Having watched my neighbor closely, I was confident that I could get it to work. I waited while it filled with water. Then it stopped.  I carefully started to recreate the steps. Open the lid. A quick punch with my fist. The indent in the lid popped right out. Then, close it and push down on it really hard. Ok. Good. Now, slip my fingers into the right front corner of the lid and nudge it to the left. Finally, one last firm push and … NOTHING.

I must have done something wrong I tell myself. So I repeat. Open, punch, close, push, nudge, push. Still nothing. Maybe I got the order wrong I think, so I try again. This time, open, punch, close, nudge, push, push.  No joy.  Nudge, push, open punch, close, push doesn’t work either.  I start to get slightly hysterical as I repeatedly try various combinations. Pretty soon the push becomes violent pounding on the lid.  Finally I try a trick of my own, pound, pound, kick, kick, pound. At this point I am almost crying in disbelief and frustration. My neighbor is not home so I can’t ask her to come rescue me again. After 25 minutes of this, I give the machine one final, vicious kick and declare defeat.

I leave a snippy little note for my landlord expressing my frustration and displeasure at being inconvenienced in this way. Is it too much to expect that the equipment in the house work?  This kind of snippiness is unlike me and later I feel ashamed of myself. When he comes home several hours later he apologizes profusely and promises to fix it. Of course HE is able to turn on the washer with no problem. $*#$(#$&)$*#$*^$* machine!

I have always felt about life the way I feel about that washer – that there is a trick to making it work which I can’t seem to master.

I used to watch people seemingly make their lives work and wonder how come they knew the trick and I didn’t. I was convinced that the trick had been withheld from me because I was somehow unworthy of it. Even when people shared their version of the trick with me, I would repeat the exact same steps with no success. Just like with the washer, I’d try different combinations but never be able to get them to work, and I would end up frustrated and angry, constantly pounding and kicking at life until I was forced to throw my hands up in defeat.  I judged myself very harshly for not being able to master my life and lately had almost given up hope.

A few weeks ago on what some might consider to be a whim, I became a student of the Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Development which was founded by Iyanla Vanzant and her late daughter.  Iyanla still leads the institute, teaching some of the classes. The program I joined – to quote from their website – “is a two-year course of study which covers the basic principles and practices required in developing a spiritually grounded life and lifestyle.” There is also a third year of study leading to a certification as a spiritual life coach and a fourth year leading to ministerial ordination.

So starting in October, I’ll be heading to Silver Spring, Maryland one weekend a month for classes. Some of the classes I’ll be taking include: Practical Metaphysics; Healthy Mind/Healthy Body; Meditation Practices & Principles; Prayer Practices & Principles; Effective Communication; Fundamentals of Spiritual Life Development; Fundamentals of Relationships and Introduction to A Course in Miracles. Awesome stuff!

The program began with a week long retreat,  known as the Summer Intensive which was held at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck NY. I’ve always wanted to go to Omega and it was everything I thought it would be and more. A beautiful, peaceful campus, delicious (vegetarian) food and like-minded people from all over the world.  I just love the idea of a community completely committed to learning.

The week was wonderful. I really enjoyed meeting my 40 classmates, who are my new family. There are people from all over the US – Georgia, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Illinois, North Carolina, and Missouri to name a few.  There are even two international students. One from Canada and one from Germany!

Having read all of Iyanla’s books, I am beyond thrilled to be studying with her. She is amazing! Her spirit and presence are BIG and beautiful. At one point she said something that really resonated with me, that great teachers are not those who put stuff in, but who draw stuff out of people. She is indeed a great teacher.

After the retreat, for the first time in my life, I’m OK with not knowing the trick.  I feel clear that it  is has not been withheld from me. Maybe I wasn’t ever supposed to know it. I am now open to the possibility that the journey of life is really about discovering the trick and that its OK to ask for help. It had never occurred to me that I could just ask God to make my life work.  That in fact it was his job to know the trick – not mine.  I’d always been convinced that I SHOULD know it, and that I had to do it all by myself. What blessed relief to admit that I don’t know how. I can finally stop the pounding and kicking. Even more comforting is the realization that while I’d been sure that EVERYONE except me was in the know, this is just not true. I was using this lie to beat up on myself and convince myself that I was unworthy.

My neighbor has lived in our house for 2 years, and it took her a while to learn how to make the washer work. And like me she had to ask for help until she was able to do it on her own.  Pretty soon I’ll learn to make the washer work too – and when the next new tenant moves into the building maybe they’ll turn to me to learn how to make it work.

I am grateful for Inner Visions because Iyanla and her amazing staff have been on the path of learning how to make their own lives work for a long time, and I can learn from them, until I can do it myself. But best of all, is the fact that the real trick lies in a presence bigger than all of us. This is where the where the truth of the making life work resides. Call it God, call it Spirit, call it Universal Energy -call it whatever works for you – but know that it’s something we can all tap into to and which is always available to us!

“No mirror ever became iron again;

No ripened grape ever became sour fruit;

Mature yourself and be secure from a change for the worse.

Become the light.”

~ Rumi from Rumi: Daylight

The Sublime Passage recently got a makeover! If you read the blog by e-mail or through the RSS feed click here to visit the site and take a quick look-see.

The Rumi quote in the header came to me in an e-mail from Philospher’s Notes. It struck a cord with me because it seems  to speak to what life  is about.

It’s about growth and evolution. Or at least it should be.  It’s about maturing ourselves and in our own unique ways becoming the light.

I also love the reminder that even though it often feels like it to us, growth is a one way trip.You can’t ever go back to being the person you were!

Overall I wanted the site to be cleaner,  simpler, better organized AND pretty. I think I achieved that end.

What do y’all think?