Job Title: Househusband

JOB DESCRIPTION:

You will be expected to 'live in' at place of work and provide cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, psychotherapeutic support, nursing, teaching, entertainment and secretarial services for the family.
The househusband is responsible for all household and childcare duties. Additionally, the househusband is responsible for ensuring that harmony exists between all individuals living in the home. Love, care, and kindness are all attributes that must be exhibited by the househusband. Caring for the wife is crucial, and it is expected that the househusband will provide for her emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. A househusband should also maintain personal hygiene and take care of his physical body through proper eating and regular exercise. While there is not a strict dress code, it is expected that between the hours of 7 am and 10 pm, the househusband will be clean shaven and will not be wearing dressing gown or other lounge wear. The househusband is expected to cry no more than 1 time per month, for a maximum of 5 minutes.

Duties

Household:

• Sweeping/mopping - at least once per day
• Dusting - at least twice per week
• Vacuuming - at least once per week
• Tidying - as required to maintain a hazard free, presentable environment
• Straightening up - at least once per day, preferably before 5pm
• Doing the dishes/loading dishwasher - as often as needed so that dishes do not extend over the corners of the sink
• Scrubbing bathrooms - at least once every week or twice weekly if any potty-trained children reside in the home
• Doing the laundry - as often as necessary so that clean socks and underwear can easily be located
• Ironing as needed - ironing basket should be no more than ½ full at any time
• Other duties as assigned

Hours:

• You will be 'on call' 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, especially for psychotherapeutic and nursing services. But your regular work will take between 50 and 100 hours per week, depending on: age, health and number of children or disabled people in household; standards of work demanded by employer; size and condition of house.

Childcare:

• Feeding - 3 well balanced meals each day with 1-2 healthy snacks
• Ensure children are well mannered at all times and never repeat any obscenities that may have been overheard
• The househusband should know the exact whereabouts of the children at any given time
• Bathing - at least 4 baths per week including hair washing
• Dressing/Grooming - children will be dressed by 8am with fresh, clean, ironed clothes. Fingernails and toenails must be trimmed so that no more than 3mm of nail be exposed past the end of the digit.
• Haircare - any requested hairstyle should be attempted,  plaits/pleats/high ponytails/bunches are all regularly required
• Emotional Caring - holding each child for at least 20 minutes per day. Saying "I love you" to each child at least 3 times a day
• Developmental - reading to or listening to each child read for at least 20 minutes per day at least 4 times a week
• Annual/bi-annual visits to elderly relatives, ensuring the children are respectful and courteous
• Attend classes and groups as required, partaking in singing/dancing/nursery rhymes.
• Delivery to, and collecting from any extra-curricular activities
• Discussing the merits of high school musical vs Hannah Montana with the children without displaying any visible signs of irony, sarcasm or mind numbing boredom
• Acting as a psychoanalyst in all matters pertinent to the child at that time
• Referee any arguments/debates to ensure a satisfactory outcome

Qualifications/Requirements:

• Must have a high threshold for pain and a high tolerance for nagging, bothering, begging, crying, and loud noises
• Must be willing and able to stand for extensive periods of time, to crawl on the floor, to enter tight and cramped spaces, and to climb chairs and tables to obtain objects in difficult to reach places
• Must be willing and able to operate on 4-6 hours of sleep
• Should be able to handle multiple difficult situations at once
• Should be well versed on the phone and in writing
• Must possess negotiation skills to handle requests from both children and adults
• Can calmly handle stressful situations without yelling, throwing, swearing, hitting, storming out of rooms, or slamming doors
• Must be able to cook whilst supervising other activities
• Must have up to date knowledge of current children's television programmes

Payment:

• An allowance is available, known as 'housekeeping money' when provided by employer and 'family allowance' or 'child benefit' when provided by the State. This money is intended to cover essential expenses such as cleaning utensils and food.
• There is no payment for your labour as househusband.

Holidays:

• Your duties will be eased if your holiday is taken in a hotel, but you will often be expected simply to do your normal work in strange surroundings while other household members enjoy their leisure

Job Security:

• Your job will be continuously and increasingly threatened by divorce. Today two out of every three marriages are predicted to end in divorce'. One year after divorce the divorced househusbands standard of living drops by 73 percent, while that of his ex-employer rises by 42 per cent.

Work Hazards:

• Insomnia, palpitations, boredom, headaches, dizziness, nightmares and anxiety ('housewives' syndrome') are much more common among househusbands than men in paid employment.

Fringe Benefits:

• Your board and lodgings will usually be provided, but you will normally be expected to share a bedroom (and bed) with your employer.