The Anxiety Support Network

How to Explain Social Anxiety Disorder to Family and Friends

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 15:36:36 CST

Explaining your struggles with social anxiety disorder to family or friends is a difficult, and often times impossible task. As with anything there are more effective ways than others to explain the condition so that the other person understands. I have decided to create a step-by-step checklist of things to do which may increase the other person's receptiveness towards your explanation. This checklist is by no means perfect, and it is impossible to create a checklist that works for everyone because each situation is unique. But, if you follow these guidelines, you should in general see better responses to what you are trying to explain.

Gauge the likelihood the family member/friend will listen to what you are saying. On a scale of 1-10, consider in your mind how likely it is that you think the other person will listen and attempt to understand you, instead of dismissing your social anxiety disorder, or interrupting you and trying to fix it right away. Some of us live in families where we know that any talk of any personal issue will only result in failure. In this case, it is impossible for you to explain things so that you will be heard. In some cases, you might not be sure, and may gauge a level of 4-7 for receptiveness. In other words, sometimes your family member/friend can listen and hear what you are saying, but sometimes they don't tend to hear what you are saying as well. If you are pretty confident that your family member/friend will listen and understand (a score of 8 or better), then go ahead and take the risk!
Avoid the words social anxiety disorder altogether. When you start labeling yourself, you begin to put a distance between yourself and others. People will back away and think you're "different" or "have a problem." Not knowing how else to deal with it, they will naturally back away and keep a personal distance from you. Instead of explaining that you have a mental condition called social anxiety disorder, explain that you are "stressed out" by certain situations such as interacting with others in groups or at parties, or talking in front of a class. Or, maybe it stresses you out to leave the house and meet a friend for lunch. People who don't have social anxiety disorder can often relate to these fears, as they are common among all people (it's just that the fear is a little stronger than usual in people with social anxiety disorder). Explain also that it takes a lot of mental energy for you to get out and interact with others, and while you enjoy interacting with other people, you are a person who prefers time alone too.
Avoid portraying interaction with other people as an annoyance or inconvenience in your life. When you get right down to it, people with social anxiety disorder want to interact with others too, although not as much as other people might prefer. If you start discussing how much of an inconvenience other people are in your life, this will make you look like you have a negative attitude to others, and other people will dismiss you or try to avoid you. Your family members/friends will be confused by what you are saying and will want to try to "fix" that attitude. This will only further isolate you from others, which you already know that you don't want. Since the truth is that you really want to interact with other people to some degree but that it conversely stresses you out, be truthful about it. Tell your family member/friend that you would like to interact with others more, but that it is too stressful and overwhelming right now.
Keep in mind that you are one of many people who finds social situations stressful. Do not focus on how you are different from other people. If, when explaining your fears to a family member or friend, you keep focusing on how different you are from other people, you will essentially be isolating yourself from others even more. People will only think about what it is that makes you different, why you are different, and how to "cure" or "fix" your being different. Instead, keep focusing on the fears that make you the same as other people, as even people without social anxiety disorder have many of the same fears as people who do have social anxiety disorder. Keep the focus on how you can explain your fears so that they make sense to the other person. Even people who have been in the public speaking industry for many years continue to get somewhat nervous before their presentations.
Explain to your family member/friends what you are doing right now to make your situation better. People respond much better to someone who is being proactive about your situation. When you tell others that you are staying home all the time and watching television or playing video games, then it is much harder to have sympathy for that person. Tell them that even though you are afraid of going to parties or hanging out with groups of people, you still are joining the Pro-Gun Club on campus (or whatever your interest might be). People have respect for people who are afraid to do certain things, but instead are challenging themselves to do those things that terrify them. The word for people who do that is courageous. And even though you may not succeed, you are still respectable for having put forth the effort.
Explain to your family member/friends examples of things they say which are not helpful. You might have a parent who says, "Why don't you go out more often?" Explain to them that this makes you feel anxious, ashamed, and guilty and that it makes you feel like going out less often. Or, you might have a friend who says, "Just go up and talk to her. What's the big deal?" Explain to him that this again makes you feel anxious, ashamed, and guilty and that you are simply afraid of saying the wrong thing and failing. Always provide the feelings that are provoked by what your family member/friend says, and if something they say is not helpful, provide them with something they can say that will be helpful.
Explain to your family members/friends what it is that they can do to help. In general, people are trying to help others, and we social anxiety sufferers are all-too-familiar with people who are trying to help, but end up making mostly a negative impact on our lives. Explain to your friend that it would be helpful if he/she went to you with a party and introduced you to other people because that is a very challenging situation for you. Explain to your family member that you may want to find a new job because the one where you work now involves too much interaction with people and stresses you out. Explain things that they can say to you which are helpful. Maybe your friend could be helpful by telling you how much other people enjoyed your company the other night, but remind him or her to not exaggerate because you will pick up on that and feel ashamed and embarrassed. Maybe your parent could help by sharing their experience with jobs they worked at, which would help you make your decision about which jobs might work well for you.

In sum, these are some tips and techniques that you can use to improve the likelihood that other people will understand what you are saying and respond to you in a positive manner. However, as noted at the beginning of the article, keep noted that there are no guarantees - this is a RISK that you are taking! It may or may not work out, depending on the unique circumstances of the situation. The reason that you want to take the risk is that it will help to improve your relationships with family members and friends. They'll understand you better, and this improved relationship will help you to get better from your social anxiety disorder!

A Story of Hope: How I went from Problem Employee to Indispensable Asset

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 15:52:01 CST

Author's Note: If you are offended by four letter words, you may not want to read this article. The reason I use "shitty" and "asshole" a lot is because those are the words which most accurately capture my feelings. These situations were not "kind of a downer," "somewhat annoying," or "crappy." They were "shitty," and nothing else. I won't be offended if you refuse to read the article due to its language.

Around the web, and especially at social anxiety disorder forums, I have been reading many stories about social anxiety sufferers who have a difficult time maintaining stable employment. Unfortunately, one of the external effects of social anxiety disorder is that it does in fact make finding and maintaining stable employment very difficult. One of the gifts that I have been blessed with, but only after many years of struggle, is success at work and a promising future outlook. The reason that I am writing this article is not to show how great I am, so please don't look at it that way, but rather to show you the reader what actions can be taken to improve your situation eventually to the point where you are a valuable asset at work.

Background

First, I'll start from my background, which is typical for many social anxiety disorder sufferers, and probably far from the worst story. As a child my parents were always working on something inside or outside, and I usually got brought along to help, willing or not. I recall that we had a several-acre patch of asparagus that we picked by hand during the weekdays after school. Some days I wanted to do it and some days I didn't, but I learned a lot of good lessons from the whole thing. I learned how to work hard, save money, be responsible, and be independent. Overall, this was a very positive experience.

My first job working for someone else was at the age of 13. I worked for a local dog trainer, who trained dogs for hunting in professional competitions. This was a sport reserved for people with big money, as it cost somewhere around $20,000 to $30,000 per year to train a dog. I am unable to recall why or how the bad things started, but they did start at some point. One of the older bosses would constantly harass me, insult me to my face, and otherwise constantly belittle who I was or what I was doing. He would say, "Never hire someone who plays computer games for a living." One time he screamed, "Jesus fuckin' Christ!" when I made what was viewed as a pretty dumb mistake. The other boss was better, but would sometimes lose his temper on other workers and I. He would scream at us on occasion. We were paid poorly in comparison to other people who did the same work for another guy in the area, and the talk amongst the employees was that the dogs received better treatment than we did, which was probably true. If I was not sure how to do something, I would attempt to lie about it or otherwise conceal that I had any knowledge of what I was doing because sometimes that saved me from humiliation. That was a work habit that would continue throughout my work life for some time. While the things I did wrong were constantly pointed out to me, the things I did right rarely were. I did get an occasional bonus or compliment, but they were so infrequent compared to the negatives that I figured people were just humoring me. Oddly enough, I saw the nicer boss years later and he praised me for doing a "good job." To this day, I am unable to figure out whether he meant it or was being polite.

After high school, I worked a bunch of different things. I worked carpentry building primarily decks and doing some interior remodeling with my dad, and that mostly went well. I was not a perfect employee, but I learned a lot, my dad appreciated my help and was impressed with how fast I learned, and he paid me fairly. I didn't hear too often verbally that I was appreciated, but I knew that I was. This job was easier because I mostly looked forward to going to it - the social climate was decent and I did a decent job too.

The second career disaster began when I had a brief foray into Computer Networking. The first professional experience was interning at Great Lakes Higher Education Corporation, a company that services student loans. The IT department there had abysmally horrible people skills. The head supervisor would constantly harass and put people down - and it was everyone, not just me. When another guy and I made a mistake one day he said, "I outta take baseball bats to you two!" The second supervisor was the same way, but not quite as intense. He would constantly complain and put down all of the staff. In retrospect, both were pathetic losers who were single and having a hard time making it, emotionally speaking, in life. The director of the department was actually a very kind woman, but she was not there the majority of the time, so the other interns and I were left to deal with a situation where we were in over our heads. I ended up getting an AB in the course and graduating, so that was good. But, I was left wondering, "So, people would go many years to school for this shit? Why?"

The next experience was a part-time job at INOC, Inc. that I got a few months later. It was a tough economy in 2003, after the dot com bust, so I was incredibly excited that I landed anything at all. However, as soon as the training started, I had a feeling of dread overcome me. When actually working my boss, who sat in the cubicle next to me, would scream, "FUCK! COME ON DAN! BE CONFIDENT!" and pound his fist on the desk every time I did something not to his liking. The other employees occasionally complained about one another, but no one attacked another person to their face. The job was so bad that three days before I had to go in to work, I would be riddled with severe anxiety. I quit that job without having another to go on, and the screaming lunatic boss actually tried to convince me to stay because he claimed this was a great opportunity to get a start as a networking professional. Now that I have perspective, I believe that the reason they wanted to keep me was to have someone work the shitty 3rd shift hours no one else wanted. My parents even tried to convince me that I should stay. Everything ended up being okay though, so quitting and going against the grain of everyone else was a good decision.

The final job that I got was an "internship" with Park Bank, Inc. They labeled it that way so that it would hold them legally less responsible if they fired me. This job was the best of these three crappy jobs. The boss was decent some of the time, but he was so stressed and overwhelmed with his own stuff that he lost his temper on the other employees and I quite often. "I don't give two shits about that, just tell me whether its working or not!" was something he would famously say. This would make me very anxious. Additionally, I would fear this reaction so much that I would lose concentration on my work. I would second-guess and confuse myself because I was so afraid to fail that I could not even do very basic tasks that I could do when not under pressure. Other people there could see that I was having a hard time, and they tried to help, but I didn't want their help, so I felt even more guilty and anxious for needing it. Some days, I would hesitate and not do my tasks because I was afraid of yet another failure, and others I would try to hide or alter the truth so I could escape the negative consequences of it all. These were wrong actions to take on my part, but at the time, it was the best coping method I had. I ended up getting terminated from this job in an amicable way - they gave me a letter of reference and I didn't raise a stink about it. It was the best that could happen from such a situation.

By now, if this article was of any interest to you at all, you are probably seeing a pattern very similar to your own life. In fact, you may be repeating this very pattern at this moment. But, there seems to be no way out. So, what is the way out? Keep in mind that I am not writing this to show how great I am, but rather to show actions you can take to improve your situation right now.

The Transition

Some people wonder why social anxiety disorder sufferers have a hard time in the world of employment. Well, son of a bitch, here's why! You don't have to be Albert Einstein to figure it out! If you had this experience, you probably wouldn't have a great attitude either. Some people may counteract this by saying, "Well, that's just the way work is." And I'll counteract that statement by demonstrating what a healthy work environment is, and that there are many of them out there. In fact, many employers are starting to understand the impact of people who can be classified as "assholes." There is actually a book written about assholes in the workplace by Robert I. Sutton, a PhD professor at Stanford University, called The No Asshole Rule which goes into great detail discussing the negative impacts of assholes in the work place, and goes on to directly associate the financial loss to an organization that chooses to employ and tolerate assholes.

After having been fired and experiencing some great relief, I went again back home to work with my dad doing carpentry. I actually tried to get hired as a carpenter, figuring it was at least something that I could do a little right. I did some thinking at the time, and decided that computers was just not the right field for me. I made it up in my mind that I was going to be self-employed and pitched the idea of carpentry to my friends, but nothing ever came of it. In my gut, I decided that it was time to make a change and go into social work precisely because that was my gut instinct. Some people will question the accuracy of gut instincts, but in this case mine was dead right.

A New Hope

So, that year, I moved back home and then moved away again to return to school. Coincidentally, I ran into a family friend at a party whom I told that I was returning to school for social work. She happened to be running an autism agency, and offered me a job on the spot. Thinking of how the job world had gone previously, I actually was not placing a ton of hope in the situation, but since it lined up well with social work, taking the job was the obvious choice. I was mostly wondering which parts of the job would be a pain in the ass.

Fortunately, I was surprised by the new job, being a therapist for autistic children. The first six months were mostly a blur - I was just going in and doing my thing and seeing what happened. Then suddenly, it became clear that this is what I loved to do at this time in life. I could play with children and help them to develop stronger social, academic, and self-help skills. Most days would involve playing some type of beat-up-the-bad-guys-game outside, swimming, football, baseball, basketball, and video games. All this, and I was getting paid to do it! Alternatives might have included working a shit job at a retailer, customer service center, or in a restaurant. At those places, I'd be doing boring and menial work for an oppressively low wage for people who could give a rat's ass about my life and well-being. I would not have the opportunity to grow personally or professionally, and would instead be lining someone else's pockets. But, not in this case. The bosses that I had here actually treated me with respect. Sometimes I would work around their schedule, and sometimes they would work around mine, which was much more fair than me always working around the employer's schedule. It kind of shocked me to some degree. Not only were they respectful in the first place, but it also happened that I was good at the job. It required a ton of patience, which I didn't know until I got there. I never thought of myself as a patient person, but apparently I was.

Needless to say, things only improved from there. Being able to be successful at something other than working with my father was a huge confidence booster. Having a job where I actually wanted to get up and go to it was a huge motivator as well. Throughout the course of this job, I learned the transferrable skills that make you valuable at any job - being punctual, reliable, honest, hard-working, kind, and understanding. Those were all skills which had been lacking before.

The job was not without its stresses. In fact, many people that I knew viewed it as being more stressful that working in computers. But, since it was something that I really loved to do, the stressful parts didn't get to me quite as much. The great part about the stress was that it didn't come from my coworkers - everyone that was employed there was working on the same side. Sure, people had their differences, but it wasn't dog-eat-dog like the corporate world. Most of the stress came from irate families, which was understandable because of the incredible amount of stress that autism can put on a family. However, often times that stress would boil over onto the staff, and that is where things could get dicey. It was also difficult, at times, for me to work in front of parents, for fear of being judget. But, most reasonable parents could see that their child and I were getting along well, so that usually didn't end up being a large issue. I wasn't a perfect employee either - there were times where I made mistakes and chose to hide them, but fortunately none of them were earth-shattering enough to get me into huge trouble. One thing that I learned at this employer was that it definitely pays to just be up-front and live with your mistakes. It's much easier to take when you aren't constantly crticized like I was at past employers too. Basically, from here, I developed a real good reputation for being reliable and doing a good job with various kids, and many of the managers at the organization asked for me to work with various children. There was no way I expected anything like that to happen when first getting hired for that job.

While continuing to go to school for my Bachelor's in Social Work and working this job, I also had to do an internship in order to graduate. I was pretty worried about this because I was fearing that I would have nasty bosses and coworkers like in the past. My teachers placed me in an administrative internship at the American Red Cross, of which I was skeptical at first. I was skeptical because I really did not know what path to take at that point and what people I wanted to work with, and the American Red Cross was not necessarily one of those organizations I had envisioned working with. And worse yet, in one of our initial meetings the supervisor informed me that I would be teaching CPR/First Aid to groups of ten adults - yikes!

Fortunately, it turned out to be a great internship. While the cause wasn't necessarily one that got me totally jacked up and excited, it was nonetheless a worthwhile cause. Additionally, it turned out that administration, management, or whatever term you want to call it, was really my passion in life. I was thinking about going into either counseling or administration, and this was the internship that steered me towards the latter. I really enjoyed being in charge, organizing projects, and dealing with numbers and logistics much more than direct case management (one of the most common social work positions). And, I did well at it. Two of my developing hobbies at the time were business and investing, and those continued to develop along the way as well. Most of the staff that I worked with were kind and accomodating. If I asked a question, they didn't snap on me, but instead helped me to find the answer. The Executive Director wasn't an egomaniac and tried to work things out if things were difficult for me.

The most challenging part of this internship was the CPR/First Aid teaching because I had no idea how it related to social work and no confidence in my skills to teach it. I enjoyed teaching people things, but only those things that I was really interested in, and CPR/First Aid was not one of those things. But, I didn't have any choice in the matter. The first class I taught I was supposed to teach in conjunction with another person. However, that person screwed up their schedule the day of the class. That person called in at the last minute to let me know that I would be teaching alone - now that was terrifying! So, I did all that I could do and told the class I was the new guy, that my help had cancelled at the last minute, and that we might be stumbling through it for a while. I did stumble a little bit the first forty-five minutes or so, however, after that I got into my routine and really started going along. My personal enjoyment in teaching was to directly point out the answers to test questions in class. My belief was that the national chapter of the Red Cross became way too bureaucratic and overwhelmed people with information. We would spend forty-five minutes on a topic, and then there would be a test question on things that were just barely mentioned in the book work. My personal question was,"How are people supposed to learn if you test them on stuff that is not emphasized in the book? How are you supposed to remember all the damned bureaucratic crap they're rattling off?" Some of the questions were completely inconsequential to one's ability to perform CPR/First Aid as well, so I pointed those out too. There is no poorer teacher than bureaucracy. I was a top student at college and I had a hard time answering some of the questions because of the poor teaching methods the book recommended. So, I pointed out test questions and showed the answers to questions I felt were pretty asinine. Needless to say, the class enjoyed it. They knew the answers to the question I did point out, and the answers to the questions that I didn't point out. Further, because my style is one that focuses more on being succinct and less on overwhelming people with information, people learned what they needed to, but still got out of the class an hour-and-a-half early! So, of course, everything went well in the end. I learned two lessons from this internship:

Not every job was filled with bad people. In fact, many jobs have lots of people that are very kind and understanding.
That I did have the necessary skills to do a job somewhere with some organization, something that I didn't figure I had before.

The next move in life was to the big city in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I had received a job working with publicly funded persons in the inner city. I also had gotten an internship out in Waukesha, one of the richest counties in the nation, supervising developmentally disabled employees. The job that I got had a two-day training session, and it was difficult, to say the least. The tasks were confusing. The system that presided over these tasks was large. In fact, it was difficult to even understand what parts of the organization did what because the whole organization had services provided by several different organizations. That was a red flag right there.

After learning the job tasks, the next part of the training was to go in-home and actually do the job, but with a trainer leading and helping me through the sessions. At the first session, I had a gut instinct of complete dread, much like the one when working at INOC. I knew this wasn't good, but it was my job at the time and I had nothing else to go on, so I stuck it out to make sure that it was in fact not a good job. The job was a total disaster. Because there was no office and all employees worked out of their homes, it was difficult to get a hold of anyone when I had a problem. Additionally, because I was white and the clientelle I served were African-American, there were a lot of racial tensions occuring. And finally, I learned that all publicly-funded systems are filled with limitless red tape and completely moronic bureaucracy, which frustrates both the client and workers to no end. These three factors added up to a very stressful job. Clients were always angry, stressed, or frustrated with me, and I was upset because the answer I always had to give was,"Well, you have to go through this hoop and then wait," or,"I can check on that for you." I never had solutions for anyone - how frustrating! The deal breaker for me was when some clients cussed me out for not being able to help something, and unfortunately for me, it was in fact something that I had no control over. So, I decided my health was more important than finances, and I quit that job immediately with nothing to go on, much like in the case of INOC, Inc.

I contacted my old employer and fortunately they were willing to take me back with open arms. The work, though in a different geographic area, was the same old work as before. And, fortunately for, I got a promotion to the managerial position a few months later after someone else left the company. While performing the managerial position, things were essentially the same. I had more administrative and paperwork responsibility, which was cool because I like to do a certain amount of that stuff. So, this job all went well enough.

At the same time I was working this job, I was also interning at the Waukesha Training Center, helping to supervise 60 mentally disabled employees. The Fall semester actually involved some of that, and some following the executive director around while she was doing her thing, which was fun. This company was almost too accomodating at times, in my opinion. I could make my own hours, and could always cancel at the last minute if needed. My wife was undergoing some health difficulties at the time, so I took advantage of that opportunity, but always used it responsibly. The anxiety-provoking part of the whole thing was one particular employee who made life difficult for everyone else, and in particular the employees. This person would really get on everyone's nerves, so I learned not to take it personally. This person would often overstep the boundaries of her job and tell everyone to do their job, including me, and this person was not my supervisor. I just ignored this person most of the time. There were really no job tasks that were too much for me to handle, and I realize in retrospect I probably should have showed more initiative in asking for more responsibility. What I really got to work on was making decisions and then dealing with people who questioned them. This is hard to do for anyone, and I was glad to have the opportunity to practice these skills. There were times were people got to me, but I was able to simply move past it and keep doing what I needed to be doing. What really impressed the other people that I worked with was the level of care and understanding I took to try to figure out what was going on in disagreements between workers. There are so many dynamics to every situation that it can be almost impossible to figure out what was happening. And of course, practicing being prompt, resolving conflict, thorough, and resolving things to the liking of everyone were skills that I had the opportunity to employ there. During down times where there was lesser to do, I read books about business and finance, and further developed my skills.

Well, that pretty much takes me through the present day, which is nearly 15 years after my first job experience. All of my teachers and coworkers along the way regard me as someone who will do well someday, which is a far cry from the abysmal failure I assumed myself to be. Basically, learning that not everyone out there is out to get me and make my life hard was the most important lesson that I learned. The second most important lesson that I learned was that I could make a valuable contribution to a lot of different organizations, either non-profit or for-profit. Much of the difficulty that I had in the early going revolved around the fact that other people I worked with were nasty, or I was simply in the wrong job. Removing those two obstacles helped my life to improve dramatically. So, if you have taken the time and have had the patience to read the entire article, hopefully you will learn that there is something that you can do that will help others and not stress you out. Hopefully you will take the time to ask yourself some questions and start thinking, "Why am I here in this place right now? Could I be somewhere else? Where would I want to go if I could go somewhere else?" Good luck, and I hope that something I said here will inspire you to make the changes you need to make your life better!

If you would like to read a couple other articles on dealing with social anxiety disorder in the workplace, here are the others available at ASN:

How to Develop Social Connections

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 21:31:21 CST

Aside from experiencing the difficult internal feelings of social anxiety disorder - tingling, high heart rate, extreme pits of fear, tense muscles, and shaking extremities - we social anxiety sufferers also lack many of the common social skills that others possess. Not having the necessary social skills that most other people have at a certain point in their lives is not your fault. Your parents may not have taught you properly. For example, if you were too afraid to play with other children on the playground, your parents might have said, "Stop being so shy, Sam." Of course, you would have liked to if you could have, but you didn't know how. A more effective method of parenting would have been to point out specifically what to do: "Go ask those kids playing over there if you can play tag too." If you would have had better help developing your social skills, you would be doing a lot better at this point.

However, the fact that you are taking the time to read this article says that you have had some difficulty creating social relationships and would like to be in a different place than you are now. Now that my social anxiety has reduced, here are some of the techniques that I have learned which helped me to develop more social connections.

Work on reducing your anxious symptoms. It is really difficult to have any kind of social interactions without feeling some level of calmness and relaxation inside. You know how it feels and I don't have to go into too much more detail on this. Some of the techniques that ASN recommends for reducing anxiety can be found in the following articles:
Expand your interests beyond what they are now. I know that in my case I had a fairly narrow range of interests for some time, and that only served to isolate me from people even more. Since I have moved out of my shell, I have learned so much more by reading and interacting with others. Write a lists of your current interests and abilities. Then, think about what interests and abilities are ones that you would like to develop. Learn as much about them as you can, or spend as much time as you can doing them. Now, you have a broader range of experience and knowledge to draw from, and when people have conversations, you have something valuable to contribute.
Take a class revolving around a potential interest. This one can actually be doubly good. Not only are you learning more skills and gaining more experience revolving around a particular hobby or interest, but you are also putting yourself in front of a group of another people, which gives you the opportunity to work on reducing your social anxiety. Take only a class that you will enjoy, and see what happens!
Join a group that revolves around your interest. Places to look include church, a college campus, book clubs at a library, or maybe even a social anxiety self-help group. There are other places to look, but these are some places to start. One warning that I will provide is to not fall into the peer pressure most groups put on new people because every group will claim that it is the best group around. If you think the group is great, keep going. If it does not seem to be the funnest group around, go to it a couple more times and if things do not improve, then move on to the next group. Only you know what you like, and it is important to pay attention to that feeling.
Volunteer for a local cause that you support. It may not seem like much to you, but if you come in and organize files, enter data into a computer, or stuff envelopes, you are helping that organization a ton. There are many, many organizations, especially nonprofits, which are undermanned and lack the resources to get everything they want done in a timely manner. You will experience multiple benefits as a result:
- Positive feelings and improved self-esteem which result from doing good for someone else instead of feeling self-pity and shame for being different and not doing anything worthwhile with your life.
- Gratitude and appreciation from others instead of guilt and shame trips for not doing more with your life.
- The development of some basic workplace skills and experience working in an office environment, which may previously have aroused your fear.
- The opportunity to be out in the world and reducing your anxiety instead of staying home and in your little shell.
- In some cases, you can develop some job leads, and if nothing else, you may receive a good reference.
Instead of looking at how you are different than others, look at how you can connect with others. Pay attention closely to what other people say in conversation, and try your best to relate to the things that they are saying. You are not going to connect with everyone, and in fact, you probably will not connect with most people. But, the number and quality of your current relationships will improve, and you will only find more. If you try to relate and connect with others, it will happen and you will not regret it!

What I found is that these techniques, especially the last one, helped me to develop the social skills that helped me to feel more connected to other people. Remember, though, that it will not happen overnight, but I promise that if you consistently apply these techniques over time, you will see the results that you only dreamed of in the past!

How to Get out of the Rut of Being Single

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 09:58:29 CST

Most of us socially anxious people have been, or are currently in, some sort of dating rut. Many of us may be well beyond the normal age for getting married (mid-to-late 20s), and now we are the awkward "third wheel" friend who goes to all the gatherings with the other couples. Or, perhaps we are the friend in his or her late teens or early twenties who has never had any kind of serious relationship, while most of the other people we know have. People ask us questions or put us down about this fact, which only makes us feel more ashamed and separates us from others even more.

ASN has provided a few articles about dating in the past:

Since I have written those articles, I have had the opportunity to gain a little more experience in marriage (My wife and I are married almost 18 months now) and a little more perspective and insight on how to be successful in the dating game. The following is what I have learned:

Take a mental break from dating. By now, you have probably been working pretty hard by looking for dates in various places and are paralyzing yourself with worry, stress, and the fear of not finding the right person and being single for the rest of your life. While dating is stressful for people with social anxiety disorder, it is also stressful for everyone else too. Take a break from it all! Take a couple weeks or so and go to work, and then come home and do only things you enjoy - make yourself a nice supper, take a hot bath, play some video games, watch your favorite movies, exercise, or read a book! You have been working yourself pretty hard up to this point - it is time to be nice to yourself and take a break from it all for a while.
Consider what qualities you can develop to make yourself more attractive to the type of person you are looking for. While there are many specifics and intricacies based on each person, in general people look for someone who:
1. Is in general a pretty positive person.
2. Has a sense of humor.
3. Knows where they are going in life.
4. Has stable employment.
5. Has a strong sense of spirituality.
6. Has at least a decent relationship with their family.
7. Has some interesting hobbies.
I encourage you to take an honest look at yourself and question how each of these aspects are going in your life. If one of these appears to be lacking, work on improving it. Keep in mind that you will never have all of these in perfect order - nobody does. But, in general, I have experienced a negative tone about life from social anxiety sufferers (and I have had the same negative tone in life myself), and the best thing is to instead look on the bright side and have hope that things can improve. If you are negative and believe that nothing good will happen to you, then that is probably what in fact will happen to you. However, if you hold out the hope that things can and will get better, you will notice that they will.
Examine where you are looking for potential partners. If you are going to the local bar or club and getting hammered while looking for dates, then you are most certainly not looking in the right place. Bars and clubs are where people go to let loose and be free from the daily grind. People here are not looking for a healthy relationship, but more for a fling. Having a successful relationship with someone you met at a bar is not very likely. Great places to look for healthy relationships include church, a local organization that you volunteer for, at party hosted by your close friend, and sometimes the Internet (this can be extremely dicey because you can find the full spectrum of relationships here from very good to very bad).
Do not feel pressured to join one of the paid dating websites, and men, do not use one of these "attract-a-lady" systems. These websites do not have any better demonstrated success than any of the free sites. You can certainly join if you would like to, but the sales point of the paid websites is that somehow they have tests that match you to the most compatible person, which is not really the case. These "attract-a-lady" dating gurus do not have healthy relationships in mind, but rather they teach you how to manipulate and seduce people into doing what you want. Such approaches only get you short-term results, and most typically these systems are focused on sex as the ultimate goal. If you use manipulation or seduction to find a partner, that person will only stay around as long as you play the game perfectly, but the moment you mess up, you will find that they are gone. Such disingenuous relationships lead to total chaos, sadness, and hurt feelings.
Decide that meeting your ideal partner is an inevitability. It can and does happen to everyone, however, it does not always happen where, when, or how you would like. Once you realize that finding a healthy relationship is inevitable, you will feel more confident in taking more risks. Somewhat like job searching, a large part of dating is just the fact that it is a numbers game. You keep putting yourself in situations where you think you will find the right person. Most of those situations do not work out the way you would like, which is the hard part, but then one does, and life becomes dramatically better as a result.
If at first you do not succeed, try, try again. Once you have identified areas where you are likely to find a healthy person, keep trying until things work, but be sure to take breaks if you need to. Part of dating is that it is a numbers game. You keep approaching and mingling with many different people, until finally you meet a person who is quite interesting. Then, you go out with that person a few times and decide from there whether or not to stay with them. You may end up talking to or approaching hundreds of people before you find the right one, or, that person may approach you and walk right into your life. You never know, but if you keep at it, eventually something works out!
Be fearless and uncompromising in choosing your partner. Remember, compromise is great only after you are in a relationship. Never settle for the person that is "good enough," but be sure that at the same time, you are not really intending to keep yourself alone by setting your standards so high that no one can reach them. We have all had that friend of a friend who wants us to date their friend who is really "nice" and "fun." These words are typically code for "strange" or "creepy" or "somebody that nobody else wants." If you have a good idea that your friend is attempting to pawn off their creepy friend in whom you do not even have the slightest interest, reject the offer! If you are not sure what to think, go out with the person a few times and make your judgment from there. Just be sure to be honest and cut things off as soon as you know they are not right.
Having a relationship, even a healthy one, does not solve your problems, but instead increases them. A wise person I know said it this way: "You got problems. I got problems. Together, you and I have more problems." Social anxiety sufferers are typically trying to fill that internal void of worthlessness with another person, thinking that will make life well. Movies and pop culture teach the same message - once you meet that right person, all is well. In reality, that is not the case at all. In fact, if you meet the wrong person and let them in your life, life can get messy in a hurry. What really happens is that life gets more complicated and difficult in the short-term while you figure out how to live it with another person. Things that person does will bother you to no end, and things you do will bother that person to no end. Then, after you figure things out during the initial adjustment period, you learn how to see things from that person's perspective and make compromises. This is when a healthy relationship really begins to make life enjoyable. But, it takes hard work to make it happen, just like anything else.

Overall, these tips, if you follow them, will get you to where you want to go. If you are having difficulty in the dating field, no matter how far past the "normal" age for finding a healthy relationship you might be, you will succeed!

Unconventional Ways to Treat Social Anxiety

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 03:08:17 CST

Social anxiety is a very cunning and baffling condition that constantly frustrates us, and often it seems as if there is no way out. However, the Anxiety Support Network has provided multiple different ways for people to find a way out of anxiety. A few articles that provide you with specific steps to get out of anxiety include:

Today, I would like to present you with a few more strategies that are pretty unconventional in comparison to what you might be expecting to hear. Some of these strategies may sound like something that is helpful for you, while others may not. It is up to you to choose which strategies to try. Without any further delay, here are some strategies that I have either heard of or used on my own:

Purposefully acting like a fool or buffoon. This strategy can be a great way to reduce anxiety, but only if you are willing to accept that other people will in fact think you are strange or weird. You might, for example, wear a very sensible and appropriate outfit to go out to dinner, but then wear a pair of clown shoes as a compliment. This will undoubtedly arouse people's suspicions about you. Or, you might walk into public with a leash tied around a plastic lobster (this one I recall hearing on a forum somewhere). People will definitely be giving you strange looks when you use this one. The point is that it is going to arouse your anxiety because you know that people will be thinking critically about you, and it gives you the chance to practice accepting that other people have their own thoughts about you, but that in fact is okay and is more their issue than yours. This strategy is really tough to implement.
Challenge everything another person says. This is very similar to the first strategy, but instead of acting like a fool, you will instead challenge or contest every point another person makes. There are plenty of opportunities to do this in a sensible way - when you deal with customer service about a bill, when you do not like the food served in a restaurant, or if you and a friend simply see differently on a certain topic. You can also do this in an insensible way and challenge things everybody else accepts as valid. Call up customer service for your cell phone bill and tell them you are not paying this month. Insist that the rotation of the earth is driving you insane and therefore you are not able to pay the bill this month. Go to a restaurant and put your feet on the table. If asked politely to remove them, explain that you have a medical condition which requires that you sit only that way. Be clever and creative and come up with what you can. Do not break the law! When I talk about challenging, I mean doing so in a respectful manner. This will provide great opportunity to deal with other people's hostility, anger, and challenges to your assertion.
Drink alcohol. Some astute readers may recall that in past articles I have discussed how alcohol actually increases anxiety, and it might appear that I am contradicting myself by saying this. However, as with most things, there is some gray area. I think that if you have a couple drinks just to catch a buzz and relax, that is okay. However, if you start pushing it into drunkenness, that is where you are really putting yourself in a potential spot to become dependent on alcohol to get you through. If you have a couple drinks to catch a buzz, you are not really totally relying on the alcohol to get you through, but more on your own wit. Enjoying life a little is okay. However, be sure to be careful of any complications this may cause with your medication. It is not necessary to drink alcohol to enjoy life, however, it can be an acceptable thing to do from time to time.
Fire your boss. If your boss or job is a chronic source of anxiety for you in your life, fire them! Having a job that provides great money but at the same causes great stress is just not worth it to your health in the long run. Instead of tolerating that, it is time to be uncompromising and remove that obstacle from your life. Either interview for other jobs while working at your current job, or be sure you have enough finances to maintain your current lifestyle for a year while looking for the next job. The fear that will settle in, of course, is whether or not you will find a job that pays well and that you enjoy. I can assure that you can and will find just such a job, and you will thank yourself for having done so when you have found it.
End harmful friendships. Is your friend constantly putting you down, trying to get something out of you, or trying to get you to do things that you do not want to do and know you should not be doing? If so, confront that person about his or her behavior. This person may or may not be accommodating to your response, but either way you win. On the one hand, this person may defend his or her actions, in which case you know no longer to hang out with this person. On the other hand, they might be apologetic and make up for their actions. Either way, your anxiety is reduced, which is the goal, and if you have to leave that friendship, then you will end up finding better friends in the future.

These are all probably not-so-popular methods for reducing anxiety, but they can be effective if used properly. I encourage you to think about each one and consider where it might be effective in your life. Enjoy!

My Experience Professional Networking

Thur, 03 Feb 2011 08:16:22 CST

In keeping with the theme of employment (like the article Explaining Anxiety to Employers, I have decided to write an article about professional networking. In a slow and roundabout way, I learned that there are multiple job search strategies, aside from the traditional resume and cover letter strategy that most people, including myself, follow. Besides doing a resume and cover letter and contending with hundreds of people, there are many positions within organizations that go unadvertised, and there exists a few ways to discover these positions.

One way to get an edge on others in regard to these positions is to perform informational interviews by identifying organizations that seem great to work for and then cold-calling and asking the manager of the department to do an informational interview. Some people will also send letters requesting informational interviews. I was not getting any interviews for quite some time, so it became necessary to try alternative methods. So, I summed up all my courage, prepared an introductory statement where I described my educational and professional background, why I was looking for an informational interview, and that I was more than willing to accommodate the other person's schedule. I made a grand total of 10 phone calls and every single one failed. Some people gave me excuses, others just did not pick up, and others said they were willing and then never returned my phone call. I am not sure why this happened - part of me wanted to blame myself for being a little nervous and stumbling over my words at times - but then again, why should being a little nervous exclude people from responding positively to me?

The next strategy that I tried was to send out a networking letter to a targeted individual. I sent out a grand total of 1 letter and got a very positive response from a very kind individual who was able to provide multiple contacts and networking groups. For whatever reason, this was the method that worked.

The next strategy that arose as a result of being in contact with this kind individual was to attend networking groups. He gave me the names of a few local ones. I checked one out and prayed that it would not be the next day because it would have been too much for my anxiety, but it was the next day. Somehow, I was able to convince myself to go, which was quite a nerve-wracking event. Upon arrival, I sat with a group of strangers and introduced myself, which went okay. There was a total of about fifteen people or so, which was smaller than expected, but still enough to get my anxiety fairly riled up. In my mind, I figured that at some point they would just let everybody loose and then people would start mingling, which is not something that I would have succeeded at. But, rather than doing that, they went around the room and everyone described their background, and when I described mine, people responded with the desire to help. About five people offered to be contacts and talk about my career interests, and I did nothing special to attract them into my life other than describe myself, education, and professional background. In my mind, these events with corporate persons require someone to be very charming and socially skilled, but that simply was not the case. Tons of leads and helpful information resulted, and it ended up being a very energizing experience.

Another non-traditional way to get an edge in the job market is to volunteer at a targeted position and/or organization. I did this one years ago, but not for the sake of getting a job and more for the sake of volunteering. I voluntarily mentored a teen for a couple years or so, and at some point in the process, the social worker who was overseeing our case asked me if I would like to work for the organization. I politely rejected because I was already happily and gainfully employed at the time, but sometimes it can happen. This is another strategy that I am considering in the currently difficult job market. There is really no reason for me to be anxious, as I am only at the organization to volunteer, and if it leads to something more, then that is nice. For me, this way of finding a job was totally no-pressure.

And finally, the traditional method for professional networking is to fan out as many cover letters and resumes as possible and hope for the best. The reading, researching, and writing phases of this end of the job search process is typically not anxiety-provoking. However, the part that is anxiety-provoking is when I actually have to go in for an interview. For several months, I had only one interview and then was inundated with a flurry of interviews, some of which were for positions that were of interest and some of which were not. Fortunately, the ones that were not of interest were first. The opportunity that presented was a chance to practice interviewing skills, and also to do some networking. The night before I prepared my best responses to potential questions and also prepared a brief question list of my own. The preparation helped to reduce the anxiety over these situations, although went interviewing, I still had a fair amount of anxiety flowing through me. I did not receive an offer from that first interview, a part-time job that was at a local organization. Without my asking, the person who called stated that the reasoning was that even though the interview went very well, that organization only wanted to hire internal candidates. I went through three more interviews, and was rejected from all three, and when I inquired, the reason was either "lack of experience" or "we hire internal candidates only." While this was incredibly disappointing, it was nonetheless reassuring that I was doing everything well that I could and for their own reasons, employers are simply not selecting me for employment. The hugest lesson that I have learned from this experience is that I am now able to accept and believe that I did everything possible and that events outside of my control are the reason for not receiving any job offers, and that is an outcome that I can handle.

In sum, this was my experience professional networking, which turned out to be not nearly as intimidating as I had thought that it would be. All a person can do is put him or her self out there and see what happens. Unfortunately for me, receiving a job is not what happened, but in time it will happen. In fact, I have learned that I really enjoy professional networking and in the future would like to be able to help others through it. Feel free to add me on LinkedIn. Hopefully, my personal experience in the professional networking arena will help you to feel more relaxed about finding work. What are you waiting for? Go out there and give it a try!

Explaining Anxiety to Employers

Mon, 31 Jan 2012 01:49:59 CST

I have been job searching for approximately five months now and would like to share some of the insights that could be helpful for people as they go through the job search. Explaining social anxiety to people who are unaffected by the condition can be a difficult task to master. From our (the socially anxious person's) perspective, it seems difficult to explain to someone else that talking to other people can be stressful, simple tasks such as picking up a phone to call a colleague can be scary, and that sometimes we hesitate for a lengthy time to make decisions at work because we fear the criticisms others may make.

The good news is that all personality types can be very beneficial in various organizational roles. Typically, the leaders of various organizations are thought of as outgoing, aggressive, charming, and highly confident, which appears to be the opposite of most socially anxious people. Here is a brief list of some of the challenges presented by social anxiety and how to turn those challenges into assets that would make a person be a more attractive candidate for employment. I have also included a couple random tips not specific to turning strengths into assets, but that are nonetheless very beneficial for helping you to determine if you will be successful at this particular job.

If you are the type of socially anxious person who has trouble making decisions quickly at work, you might describe yourself as a "cautious thinker." Portrayed in a negative light, you might say that you are a "hesitant" decision maker. Cautious thinking relates itself better to certain jobs, and quick decision-making relates itself better to a different set of jobs. If a job description notes that the work environment is "fast-paced," then this is not the place for you. However, if the job seems to require careful thought and introspection before a decision is made, then that might be the job for you. People who are more hesitant and that use careful consideration before making decisions are good at making big decisions and may fit management or executive management positions better than those who make quick decisions.
If your social anxiety makes it difficult to interact with a variety of people in a short period of time, then you would explain to an employer that "large groups of people and a lot of interaction stresses me out." This is a reasonable explanation, and if you were to say that,"I suffer from social anxiety disorder," this may put you into a category that alienates you from others at work. Positions that are customer service oriented such as customer service itself, being a secretary or administrative assistant, a host, waiter, or case manager require extensive interaction with people and would not put a socially anxious person in position for success. I learned the hard way that "case management," a very standard and common position in Social Work, is too frustrating and stressful for me because I have to deal with too many people and too many negative emotions. Positions that may fit you or I better would be ones requiring less interaction with people and more thinking through challenging scenarios or working hands-on. These types of positions might be being an IT support specialist, a business analyst, an HR generalist, landscaper, carpenter, accountant and other positions of that nature.
If your social anxiety makes it difficult to make even minor decisions at this point, then tell your employer that you are very good at following directions and procedure. Look for jobs that do not require too much decision-making and instead require following routine - there are plenty of them out there! Job duties might include processing applications or entering data. While the work may not be thrilling, it is work and will support you until you have reduced your anxiety enough to undertake more challenging positions. Or, you might just find that you truly enjoy jobs that involve a high level of routine. The point is that there is something out there that you can do.
If your social anxiety reacts to the typical corporate environment (lots of cubes and people in a small space), do not open up a dialogue about this with your employer. If you are at the interview and are nervous about the number of people in the organization, ask to take a tour of the office. During the tour, you will be able to gauge if you will be able to tolerate working in the environment. The reason I advise to not tell is because there is a possibility that you might be able to tolerate the workplace, even though you think you cannot. Only you know your limits at this time, and firsthand experience in the form of a tour will tell you whether you will be successful at the workplace or not. If you absolutely cannot tolerate the workplace, let the interviewer know that,"This is not what I am looking for," and move on to the next interview. If you have a reasonably confident feeling that the workplace will be challenging but not overwhelming, then finish the interview, take the job if offered, and learn from the experience that follows!
If you gauge that your boss, or potential boss seems to be a kind and understanding person, then you can take the risk and tell them that you are affected by social anxiety disorder. Some employers in the for-profit world are understanding of this. Many employers in the social services and not-for-profit world are understanding of this, but not all are. Among reasonable people, honesty is valued the most, and a reasonable person will respect the risk you took. If you need some reasonable accommodations, perhaps extra support when times get hard, a reasonable boss would be willing to provide that support.
Another great test to determine if you will be successful at the job is to ask to meet who you will be working with at the interview. You will be able to tell after having met the people you may potentially work with whether they are the types of personalities that you historically work well with, or if they are the types of personalities whom you clash with. Follow the same procedure as tip #4 and politely excuse yourself from the interview if you sense something dreadfully wrong, but keep going if things seem all right.

One interesting thing that I would like to add is something I read in From Good to Great by Jim Collins. Basically, what Jim Collins says is that one of the key elements to having a very successful organization is what he calls "Level 5 Leadership." A "Level 4 Leader" is someone who accepts praise, rejects criticism, but is nonetheless very charismatic and talented at what he or she does. The issue with this leader is that the focus is all on him or her, not the organization, and as a result, the organization eventually falls back to mediocrity when the leader moves on. However, a "Level 5 Leader" is someone who deflects praise to others in the organization, accepts criticism from others, but is also talented at what he or she does. Many of the profiles of these types of persons are of people who are quiet, lead simple lives away from the corporate world, and whom seem generally like any other person on first glance. People like this who are in charge of organizations are rare, being in charge of something around 2% of all organizations according to the numbers in From Good to Great. The point that I am making from all of this is the following: how many of us social anxiety sufferers does a "Level 5 Leader" describe? We are often quiet, unassuming, and lead simple lives away from work. The criticism can be tough to handle, but instead of blaming others and putting them down, very often we take it and deal with it. Surprisingly, though we do not fit the typical profile of a leader, it seems that probably very many of us social anxiety sufferers would actually make excellent leaders indeed.

In sum, I hope that I have been able to provide socially anxious people who are going through the job search with some helpful insights. Social anxiety sufferers have plenty of strengths that can be beneficial to the workplace, however, since we are not a mainstream group on society's and media's radar, we have to be a little more creative in our job searching. Good luck to everyone on their job searching!

Don't Listen to Everyone

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 09:04:11 CST

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Many of our close friends and family members love us and want us to do well, but they can see our social anxiety and the trepidation with which we approach life. This bothers them and makes them want to intervene so that we can do well in life. They will mention things as they pass by us at get-togethers and may say things such as, "I don't know man. If I were you, I would go and talk to that girl" or "You're young and you're supposed to be putting yourself out there!" or "There's no sense in staying home all the time. That's not going to get you anywhere!" While people in our family and some of our close friends are often well-intended, they simply do not understand our condition and do not realize they are doing more harm than good by making these comments. These previous comments will make us feel guilty and ashamed about our condition. They do not inspire us to take positive action in our lives, but instead make the world a darker and scarier place that we would rather avoid.

We cannot control what other people will say, but in the case of friends, we do have control over who we spend time with. It is our choice to spend or not to spend time with certain people. In the case of family, it is possible to minimize the time that is spent with family members who are saying unhelpful things. In an exceptionally good case, family members can be corrected or coached by us so that they learn to stop saying unhelpful things and start saying truly helpful things. The point of this article, however, is going to be that knowing who is actually going to have helpful advice is a skill that requires good judgment gained by experimentation and learning, and very often it will become clear that many of the people we care about in our lives are just not capable of giving us what we need. Additionally, we already know many people who think they have great advice for us but who really annoy us, but for whatever reason we have decided to tolerate their presence in our lives, and now it is time for us to set up some healthy boundaries with these people (see ASN's What are Boundaries for more on this topic). In sum, it is up to us to decide who it is in our lives that we should listen to, and to minimize the amount we listen to those who are not helpful.

In many of our families or circles of friends, we have that friend or relative who seems to have it all together and has the solution for everything, but it is clear that no one else actually believes anything that person says. This person may have great career advice for experienced professionals while having very little professional experience of his own; he might know what is holding a mutual friend back from finding a girlfriend or spouse; finally, he might also have the solutions for our currently poor economy and joblessness rate and feels that if he were elected to the president's cabinet, the entire country would make a remarkable turnaround. While seemingly facetious, many people have this egotistical person in their lives. This is the person who believes that if everyone just listened to him or her, the whole world would be a better place, and this is despite the fact of all the negative things going on in his or her life - unstable employment, chaotic or revolving-door relationships, a narcissistic attitude, and messed up finances could be some examples. This person may or may not have good intentions, but the point that is demonstrated is that people who approach life from the "know-it-all" perspective are generally not great sources of solutions for problems.

We might also have another type of friend in our lives who is more well-meaning (as compared to the person in the last paragraph who is almost exclusively self-centered) is the one who unwittingly puts pressure on us. We might be out a bar with this friend, for example, and he would say, "I think you should talk to this girl," which only makes us feel pressured, guilty, and ashamed, although not as much as the previous person. Or, there might be a time where we are out dining with this friend and the waiter makes an error on the bill in the restaurant's favor. The friend may notice and might say, "Dude, that guy screwed up your bill. You've gotta say something," to which we may respond,"Nah, that's okay," because we are really afraid of what may happen socially if we did confront the situation. The friend then may say to us later when we leave the restaurant,"I don't understand why you didn't say anything back there," to which we might respond by simply shrugging our shoulders and continuing on our way. This type of friend really wants us to do well and is trying to motivate us by challenging us. Challenge may work to motivate him because he is more confident, but for people with social anxiety disorder who have much less confidence than most, challenge very rarely motivates us to action. This type of friend presents a difficult situation. He has valid points in knowing what we should do, but at the same time does not have the experience and understanding to work with someone affected by social anxiety. Explaining to this friend why we act the way we do may fall on deaf ears because he comes from a much different background, but then again since he is a well-meaning friend, he may listen and be ready to help. This type of friend may be somebody who we can learn from by how he acts, but at the same time, any discussion of anxiety may be fruitless, and perhaps hanging out with this friend may get a bit draining because of the challenges he presents. It may be wise to keep somewhat of a distance from this person, while at the same time still staying in contact enough to maintain a friendship.

Another type of person we often have in our lives is the one who says,"You need to...(try harder, stick up for yourself more, be more confident etc...)." This type of person who has a controlling and boss-like personality, is almost of complete uselessness to a social anxiety sufferer. Often, what this person says is right - we do need to try harder, stick up for ourselves more, or be more confident, but the motivation for that person comes from anger and frustration with our us and our condition, and this only causes extreme guilt, shame, and fear. If this person is close to us, he or she probably knows us well enough that he or she can provide us with some rock-solid advice. Try to listen to this person's point objectively and keep in mind that being more confident, sticking up for yourself, and trying harder are probably great goals to pursue. However, under no circumstances is it wise to listen to the person's anger, frustration, and under no circumstances should this person be approached in regard to anxiety help. This person simply lacks any ability to sympathize or empathize with social anxiety, and to try to help a person gain those skills is a massive undertaking that most probably will result in failure.

A final person to keep in mind is the extroverted and gregarious friend who is always encouraging or attempting to get us to tag along with something. You know the person who always says,"C'mon. It'll be fun!" or "I really wish you'd come on out and have some fun - it's always great to have you!" This person is the social butterfly and social anxiety sufferers have a hard time with this person because he or she will have us over for a five-hour party, talk to us for five minutes, and then move on to other people. This makes us question whether or not that person is really our friend. The good news is that this person is our friend and we should listen to him or her and take the advice. Other people connect with people in different ways - whereas socially anxious people generally prefer a few closer friendships, the hardcore extrovert has hundreds or thousands of relationships and talking to those people for a few minutes at a time is how they connect with others. Since this person is so open with so many people, it may be worth it to take a risk and let that person know some of our fears. They have noticed we are fearful and want to stay in our shell and have responded to that by trying to help in inviting us to do things and persuading us to do things that we do not necessarily want to do. These people are great to listen to because they are the polar opposite of what we are by nature, and our goal is to gravitate in their direction somewhat (although not totally) so that we are not totally clammed up in our little shell. One caveat to this personality is that if they are persuading us to do things that are dangerous or illegal, we might want to be assertive (see Assertiveness and Anxiety for more) and let that person know we are not interested in those types of activities.

Knowing who to listen to is a difficult process that is learned primarily through experience. Everybody we know seems to have some useful tidbit for us, but most of it does not do us any good. The guiding rule for the inexperienced person with social anxiety disorder is that if the other person makes you feel guilty, ashamed, and worthless, they are probably not worth listening to. On the other hand, if they make you feel comfortable, safe, secure, and worthwhile, they are probably a great resource to have and would take the time to understand if you talked to them. Learning who to listen to can be a very empowering process. Over time, you will learn who is "completely full of crap" and how to dismiss or distance yourself from that person, but you will also learn who is "kind and helpful" and where to find "kind and helpful" people. In time, everything will go well if you take the steps you can to get better each and every day.

The Beauty of Simplicity

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 04:40:29 CST

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"Less is more" is a motto that I have personally chosen to live by. Our modern world is one that adds complexity to our lives at an exponential rate. Computers today have many times the processing power that computers did in the 1990s when I was growing up. The one gigabyte USB key I purchased several years ago is small by today's standards, and I can recall the first hard drive my dad and I purchased for our IBM Tandy was 40 megabytes, and we were blown away by its storage capacity. How times have changed!

One interesting thing about technology is all the benefits and simplicity that it can bring to our lives. That one gigabyte USB key that I have holds all six-and-one-half-years of my college assignments, and it was incredibly handy to have back in my college days. It is still a really cool little device, though it is dated. Compare this to those three-and-a-half-inch hard diskettes, or if you are really willing to date yourself, compare it to those five-and-one-quarter inch diskettes. Besides being able to keep all my data in one place on the USB key, the key also holds approximately 695 Photo by Paul Tomlin of those three-and-a-half-inch diskettes, transfers data at a much higher rate, is much more difficult to break, and is a heck of a lot handier to carry than those smaller diskettes. In this sense, technology has simplified my life, and I am loving every minute of it.

However, if I am willing to allow it, technology could also complicate my life incredibly. For example, I have a cell phone (just the older basic flip phone), Bluetooth headset, digital camera and video camera, a record player for converting records to mp3 tracks, a work laptop, a work cell phone, a desktop PC, mp3 player, and the only new gadget that I do not have is an iPad. Now, throw in all the numerous functions of each and every one of these devices, add in all the things that I have to fix on all of these various devices, and life can become awfully complicated and overwhelming in just a few heartbeats. In fact, if I really wanted to, I could spend more time fixing and operating these electronic devices than I could anywhere else - even work!

For those preferring a visual depiction of anxiety, just examine the image of the flower at the top. It is simple, yet beautiful! There are no bees attempting to pollinate the flower; there is no wind bending the flower to the side; there is no rain falling from the sky to distract the viewer from the flower. There is no chaos or any movement going on in the picture, just the simple still image of a flower caught in all of its natural beauty. This image is a great depiction of simplicity, and it is what everyone should strive for in their lives.

What do these illustrations have to do with anxiety recovery? Well, I guess the most straightforward point would be that it can be incredibly anxiety provoking and intimidating to learn all of these various devices, or it could be difficult if one or more of them decided that they wanted to stop working properly. However, the point that I am attempting to illustrate is that anxiety recovery works in much the same way as all of these electronic devices - namely that it is in reality a pretty simple process, but that it can be made to be as complicated as a person would like it.

Take a look at "Jon" for example (this is just a fictitious name that I have made up and does not refer to a specific person). Jon has read many articles regarding anxiety recovery at a variety of website, has discussed his difficulties with his friends and family, and has also taken the time to read some books - he has done a very thorough job of researching and learning about anxiety! Jon should be praised for taking these beginning steps toward a better life. However, Jon is a bit confused at this point. Based on his research, he has decided to buy one of the many anxiety recovery systems that features a couple books, audio coaching tracks, and a few guided meditations. He has also decided to change his diet a little, talk to a supportive friend on a regular basis regarding the issue, has decided to analyze his childhood to gain understanding of why he is the way he is today, take some calculated risks, and at the same time is trying to create a healthier diet, but is wondering which foods he should or should not eat and in what proportions so as to minimize his anxiety.

First of all, Jon is to be congratulated for being so proactive about getting better from anxiety - he is a very thorough and dedicated individual! However, what Jon is doing right out of the gate is a little bit overkill. Eventually, all of these areas will be addressed, but for purposes of anxiety recovery, it is not necessary to analyze one's childhood for the root causes of anxiety. For now, that one can be set aside. Additionally, this anxiety product is a ton of information being blasted at Jon and is also overlapping with some of the other things he is currently doing such as talking to a supportive friend and reading some other books and articles on websites. Finally, Jon is a bit concerned about his diet - in fact, he is probably a little bit too concerned. Jon could read Tips for an Anxiety-Friendly Diet if he would like, or he could stick to a very simple rule in that he should avoid two of the largest causes of anxiety: excess caffeine and alcohol intake.

What would it be wise for Jon to do? The first thing is for Jon to decide whether he wants to test this anxiety product out or create his own recovery program. If an anxiety product is purchased, that should be followed exclusive to any other measures that are being taken, as anxiety products have a specific method to be followed, and any deviation from that method could hamper results. If Jon chooses to address anxiety himself and not use the help of an anxiety product, he would then be wise to start by picking three things to work on for a period of about six months. Jon has identified an interest in diet, so that would be one area to address; he has also addressed a second area in that he has the support of a friend who can help him talk through anxiety-producing scenarios and develop more rational thinking; finally, he would be wise to start taking some risks in order to get out of his shell. In order to be effective, Jon should identify how many risks he will take and over what time period (e.g. Jon will take 1 risk per day for the next 30 days or whatever it is that he decides). Now, Jon has taken a complicated mess that would get him nowhere and turned it into a simple, specific, and realistic program that works for Jon. Jon will meet success, and as he gains experience, he can add more to his program while at the same time keeping it as simple as possible.

In sum, there is no need to follow a complicated recovery system for getting better from anxiety. The system and steps to take are simple, but it is anxiety sufferers (including myself) who make it complicated. I firmly believe that if a person follows the simple steps outlined in The Anxiety Bible, that they can and will get better. People can go out and find whatever it is that is out there - drugs, doctors, anxiety products, but the real solution for getting better from anxiety is as simple as the steps presented in The Anxiety Bible.

The Importance of Being Accountable

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 15:22:46 CST

Social anxiety disorder sufferers often have a fair amount of motivation to get better from their condition - after all, life is not very fun when social anxiety is in control. We with social anxiety disorder have a difficult doing things that are very routine for others - asking the store clerk where an item is, answering a question in class, or calling a customer service number and asking for a refund, for example. For most people, all they do is to simply do it. For social anxiety disorder sufferers, however, we may spend ten, fifteen, or maybe even thirty minutes trying to devise the perfect thing to say to these people in order to get what we want. If we say the wrong thing or sound nervous when talking to the customer service representative and we do not receive a refund, we may spend the next several days blaming ourselves for saying the wrong thing that resulted in us not receiving the refund.

Very often, a social anxiety sufferer sets a goal for him or her self, such as to talk to one new person at the party that night, and then, because of fear of failure and criticism, that person might not end up talking to anyone at the party that night. That person may tell him or her self one of several excuses such as, "There was never any chance to talk to another person," or,"I did not feel as though it was the right time." These thoughts only serve to rationalize the fearful behavior into being okay, and this means that the social anxiety sufferer maintains his current way of life, rather than moving forward and growing.

What does being accountable have to with all of this? Being accountable means that the social anxiety sufferer has informed a friend or loved one of his or her particular goal, and that this particular friend or loved one will hold that anxious person to that standard. When a person knows that another person is holding him or her to a particular standard, then he or she feels a little bit of additional motivation to follow through and achieve that goal. The important point to keep in mind for a social anxiety sufferer, however, is that the accountability partner must be someone who is supportive and encouraging. Someone who becomes vicious and condescending toward the social anxiety sufferer is only going to drastically increase that person's anxiety and guilt, resulting in a failure to move forward. Someone who is supportive need simply ask only a few questions such as:

"How were you able to do in regard to the goal?"
"If you were unable to reach it, what happened that made your goal too difficult to reach?"
"During your attempt, what actions were in your control, and what could you do better next time in order to achieve your goal?"
"If you were able to reach your goal, what do you think it is that made you successful, and how could you use those tools in future attempts?"
"If you failed, that is okay. The most important thing is that you are trying. You will get the hang of it." (see also ASN's Supportive Friends for more specific tips on finding people who are supportive and helpful)

For most social anxiety sufferers, that is about all that is needed. For me, I have learned that it is very important to stay accountable in relation to my goals, as very often I end up rationalizing to myself that, "It was no big deal anyway to not try. I do not care that I did not go to the professional networking event."

The good news is that accountability is not something that is for weak people, or social anxiety sufferers alone as a group. Everyone, and I cannot stress the term everyone enough, needs to be accountable because no human is so strong that he or she never ever makes mistakes or does not need guidance from anyone. Many, if not most, people in America believe in the contrary, as America is a nation which prides itself on rugged individualism, and it seems as though there are some people who are so good that they do not need accountability, but this is in fact not the case. Adolf Hitler, the dictator of Germany in World War II, and Kim Jong-il, dictator and god of North Korea, are two extreme examples of what happens where there is no accountability. Both have killed millions of people for no good reason other than they had the power to do so.

But, aside from extreme examples, there are also some additional real-world examples of what can happen when people are not accountable for their actions, or people who have poor accountability partners. Most people can recall having a boss that they did not like at some point in their lives. For some reason unbeknownst to us, this person who is a complete blockhead remains in power over us and our coworkers. Perhaps they constantly snap on people, treat them as though they are "idiots," or are complete hypocrites and not following the rules they set out for others to follow. If the people in power over this chronically bad boss are not raising the issue with this boss or are not considering firing this bad boss, they are not doing a good job of maintaining accountability. Businesses today are doing an increasingly better job of recognizing that good bosses both have an excellent knack for looking out for the bottom line as well as the physical and emotional well-being of their employees. What is worse is that it only takes one person not being accountable for his or her actions to make an entire workplace somewhere miserable to be. And, unfortunately, it seems that very often many organizations of all types - private for-profit, nonprofit, and public institutions - have multiple employees and managers who are making life difficult for everyone else because they are not accountable for their actions. Everyone in an organization, or at least an effective organization, is accountable to someone, and if each person had accountability, he or she would treat everyone with respect.

Another example of someone with poor accountability or no accountability that may affect us is a friend. Every social anxiety sufferer has had the "friend" who pressures, manipulates, or outright puts them down. If this person had accountability to another person, which of course cannot be forced on a private individual except in the case of behavior that rises to a criminal level, he or she would not put down or pressure the socially anxious person! For those interested, one way to somewhat force accountability is to create a boundary with this person (see ASN's What are Boundaries? for more info on this topic). The term somewhat is used because that person is not really accountable to the social anxiety sufferer, but the social anxiety sufferer can enforce consequences for the difficult friend in that the anxious person can walk away or not be friends with the difficult person any more if he or she continues the behavior.

The point to draw from all of this is that everybody needs accountability. Social anxiety is not a condition for fundamentally flawed people that requires accountability. Everybody has multiple flaws that require accountability to another person. While it is difficult to find someone to be accountable to, it is nonetheless a very crucial element of recovery from social anxiety. Good luck to everyone, and I promise that those who employ this tool will reap great rewards!

Diseases of the Self - Social Anxiety Disorder

Thur, 13 Jan 2011 10:48:37 CST

This article will be a little more complicated and dense than many of the articles which have been written here on ASN. It will probably approach the depth of Anxiety: Is it Caused by Nature or Nurture? Hopefully, however, I have the skill to communicate the complexity of the idea in a way that is easy to understand for any reader.

What has become clear over time is that the entire point of life for humans is to move past the idea that getting the most for one's self is the primary purpose for life. There are many different ways that people put themselves at the center of the universe, and when people do this, they not only hurt themselves, but they make the world a little more worse for everyone else too.

There is no way that I could possibly mention each and every form of self-centeredness that results in a worse world for everyone, but some forms of self-centeredness include any addiction, a strong ego, a controlling personality, and last but certainly not least, social anxiety.

How are some of these character traits that are mentioned forms of self-centeredness, and how are they destructive to those who live around that person? In order to understand the answer to that question, let us examine a few of these character traits. First, take a look at the most acceptable type of addict in modern society, the alcoholic. The alcoholic spends most of his time with friends, activities, or by himself drinking alcohol. The most obvious consequences of alcoholism may include cirrhosis of the liver, drunk driving, and eventually death or jail. However, many alcoholics do not end up experiencing these consequences, but many do experience the consequences that occur behind closed doors, or even mentally in their own heads. People living with the alcoholic live in a primarily negative emotional environment and strong feelings of resentment from family members may occur due to the lack of quality time spent with the alcoholic. Or, if that alcoholic is abusive during intoxication, family members may experience extreme fear as a result. Some alcoholics may be the type who simply drink and watch TV. These alcoholics are so involved with their own consumption and fantasy of alcohol that they do almost exclusively what they want to do and others are forgotten. The bottom line is that no matter what form the alcoholism takes, the alcoholic is so preoccupied with what he or she wants to do that nothing else matters, and this is a definite form of self-centeredness.

Take a look at a second form of self-centeredness, such as the controlling personality. Everybody knows someone who is very controlling. This person is always complaining or angry about something that someone else does, or they simply always must be in charge. This person simply cannot tolerate things that are not going his or her way and lacks any flexibility whatsoever. They might have extensive lists of rules, either verbal or written, for things that may not matter one iota to another person. People may feel like they are walking on broken glass around this person, as rules are often times not even clear and any minor misstep could result in one catching grief from the controlling personality. The controlling personality, therefore, is extremely self-centered because he or she must have his or her way, or the world for that person quickly becomes unmanageable in which to live.

After examining these two forms of self-centeredness, how then is social anxiety a form of self-centeredness? Whereas in the case of the alcoholic and the controlling personality there are immediate and external consequences for other people, in the case of the socially anxious person there appears to be no external harm to other people. But, for a socially anxious person, much like the controlling personality or the alcoholic individual, the whole world is about him or her. A person with social anxiety believes that everyone is concerned with criticizing him or her, when in fact that is not the case. A person with social anxiety believes that his or her own slightest misstep causes failure in the world, when again, in fact this is most often not the case. People with social anxiety disorder are, by nature, extremely self-centered. But, very often, this does not appear to be the case because there are no immediate consequences on others. But, extreme social anxiety is just as destructive as a controlling personality. Instead of focusing time on bettering others or the community in which one lives, the person with social anxiety disorder stays home and watches TV or plays video games for hours on end. The socially anxious person does not harm people directly, but rather by not doing the good that could be done.

The goal of life, as mentioned at the beginning of this article, is for humans to reduce their self-concern and increase their focus on others because that brings about the best possible world for everyone. None of these diseases of the self, as I call them, are completely curable, and guess what? Everyone in the world has some sort of character trait that makes him or her inherently self-centered! The form that the self-centeredness takes can vary, but it is self-centeredness nonetheless.

Fortunately, however, it is possible for each and every person to overcome that self-centeredness and become of usefulness to others. It does not seem possibly to completely eradicate a form of self-centeredness. The alcoholic, controlling personality, and person with social anxiety disorder will always have that condition affect him or her in some way for the rest of his or her life. However, the good news is that these conditions can be overcome to the point where there is no significant damage in their lives. Spouses, friends, family, and coworkers will all enjoy this person and find him or her an asset in their lives, rather than the liability they used to be. The person can succeed and enjoy his or her living, hobbies, and life as a whole.

The solution is simple, but people make it complicated. The first step, as with any form of self-centeredness, seems to be to develop a strong spirituality, which always calls for a dedication to something other than one's self (see ASN's How a Strong Spirituality Reduces Anxiety). For those that are Christian, see What the Bible Says About Anxiety. Finally, while spirituality is the strongest solution to any self-centered condition, it is also wise to develop a toolbox of multiple things that can be done to reduce anxiety (see ASN's The Anxiety Bible for more). Finally, it can also be very beneficial to have someone mentor you through the process - be sure to check out ASN's Life Coaching if you feel particularly overwhelmed! It takes time, hard work, and dedication, but once a person realizes that he or she is no longer so focuses on him or her self as in the past, life becomes much more enjoyable - internally and externally!

Every Social Anxiety Sufferer has a Role

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 09:58:36 CST

Hello fellow social anxiety sufferers. I have been doing some more thinking recently and have found some more encouraging news to share with all of you. Near the time that I first started the Anxiety Support Network in January 2009, I wrote an article entitled Even Gandhi was Anxious, and did so in order to demonstrate that everyone has struggles in their own lives that must be overcome. In particular, the struggles for those that are socially anxious seem to last later into early adulthood. In Gandhi's case for example, he was still so shy that he was unable to speak in front of judges as a lawyer in his early thirties!

What I have realized since writing that article is that not only do social anxiety-sufferers have certain struggles that they must overcome, they also have particular roles in society. Everyone, I believe, has some sort of useful role that they can perform for society that is also enjoyable and fulfilling. Unfortunately, the difficulty for social anxiety sufferers is that we have so much experience with failure in childhood and adolescence, that by the time we are young adults in our early twenties, we believe that there really is no role for us. Often, we see our friends and family doing with ease things that seem nearly impossible for us to do. Another barrier is that American society tends to reward those who are aggressive and strongly independent, or those who are willing to step on others in order to get what they can for themselves.

The good news, however, is that the part of society which rewards that kind of behavior is only part of society. Personally, I always had a difficult time in mainstream society. Although unable to put my finger on it at the time, I now realize that college was all about the "self," - learning how to make money to buy more things to please myself. I had to do the best in class to get the best job so I could get the best car and the biggest house and all the latest technological gadgets. I had to date the hottest girl to impress the guys so that I looked the best and the most powerful. The goal was always focused on me and getting what I can. Then, after colleges had me trained to do the best for myself, I would have to get a job at a corporation where I am exploited for ungodly amounts of hours per week, receiving just enough income to get the best things so that I do not quit my job. Have you noticed the irritating number of times that the word I was used in this paragraph? Mainstream American society teaches us the whole world is all about us and pleasing ourselves, and when working briefly in corporate America, it became clear that it was more important to me to enjoy my work than to work for material goods that would only please me for a short time. Most people, it seemed, were in it for themselves and trying to get power over the next guy in order to get more for themselves.

Once I realized that work was more about enjoying what you do than getting what one can, that drastically altered my perspective on life. My attitude towards other people and society in general, as you might expect, was resentful, negative, and difficult to be around. After going back to school for social work, I learned that without a doubt helping people was what motivated me and made me happy. It was not fun to be competing and constantly working to undermine my competitors all day - I wanted to help people. Now, my attitude towards others and life in general is so much more positive. It is easier to get up for work each and every day, and many days I even look forward to going to work - something that was unimaginable in the past. The skills that I had - creativity, independent judgment, and compassion were now looked well upon by others, rather than the contempt given by corporate America. Of course, social work is not a perfect profession either. Within the profession, there are plenty of nasty and self-driven people who are not afraid to step on others in order to get what they can. And, not all jobs reward creativity, independent judgment, and compassion. But, there are many jobs that do, and for now at least, I have found a niche in the job market where I fit.

But, do not think of social work as the only profession where socially anxious people can possibly fit. I have a friend with social anxiety who works in customer service, and he says that he can do it because he was so used to having to take people's crap in the past. This probably is not the most encouraging way of showing that people with social anxiety can be successful in different jobs, but it does go to show that people with social anxiety can function in different jobs. He has also related that many of the people that he works with are nice as well, so despite my negative experience in corporate America, there are plenty of situations where people are nice. Another friend I have who has social anxiety is a work-from-home salesman with a large company. He does well at it, and the really interesting part is that he says that the social anxiety works in him such that he is able to talk to people, but he has a difficult time divulging any personal details and therefore has a hard time creating relationships. But, nonetheless, I know that there is no way I could be a salesman, and it is impressive to see someone else with social anxiety do it effectively.

Another important lesson that I have learned is that while my skill set is different from that of the typical mainstream business student, it is not necessarily useless. When one pictures the ideal businessman, one typically envisions someone who is very outgoing, aggressive, risk-taking, and commanding. My personality, like many of the socially anxious, tends to be reserved, passive, and compassionate. One of my personal goals is to become an entrepreneur, and in the past I have feared that since I do not meet the typical prototype of a businessman, that therefore there is no way I could succeed as an entrepreneur. Interestingly, there are a lot of strengths to a more reserved decision-making style. Some of my strengths include being creative (colleges and corporate America do not reward this, but more often reward following procedure and efficiency), thinking things through (typically, an entry-level salesman is more focused on the talk and relationship with the customer), and risk-taking (colleges and corporate America, like most people, resist change even if convincing reasons to take a risk exist). So, while I may not fit the prototype business owner or CEO, my strengths could easily be used effectively in such a position, but it happens that most people have been conditioned to think otherwise. Some business do have leaders with social anxiety disorder, but it takes the right people working together in the right place and at the right time to hire someone with a non-traditional skill set.

But, this is enough about me and my experiences. The point to draw from all of this is that social-anxiety sufferers all have some place in society. Often, it seems that the problem is we lack the self-esteem to actually go out and find that place. Instead, we may choose to give in to pressure from well-meaning family or friends, or we might see what everyone else is doing and do that. The question you should ask yourself after reading this article is, "What would I do if I really did what I wanted to do and money were no object?" This is, of course, a tough question to ask, and it may take some years to actually find the answer. However, it is important that you take one step today in the direction of that goal, and when you actually reach that goal, there will be no other feeling like it!