TheBeakin.com

Not-At-All-Rock Band

Kevin — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 14:03:49 +0000

Next week’s Rock Band songs are a 6 pack by Coldplay.

This lets me combine two of my favorite things: Rock Band and sleeping.

iBullshit

Cassi — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 20:39:12 +0000

Me: I’m not drunk, ask me any math question.*

Kevin: What’s the square root of -1?

Me: You can’t take the square root of a negative?

Kevin: No. It’s “i.”

Me: That’s some bullshit.

*Disclaimer: I suck at math.

Casual Meth

Cassi — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 23:03:32 +0000

Me: I’ll make you a deal, if you don’t get hooked on meth, I won’t get hooked on meth.

Kevin: So I can still have a little meth?

Me: No.

Kevin: But that’s not what you said, you said “addicted.”

Me: No meth.

Kevin: So I can’t just have some casual meth. You know, get together with my friends before we go out. A little pre-mething.

The Beakin is back?!?

Cassi — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 22:30:57 +0000

Hellz yeah.

We’re bringing it back.

Pot Wheels

Kevin — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:14:51 +0000

I saw a classified for the drug seizure auction the other day. Among the Escalades and Tahoes with 26″ wheels, they’re offering a 02 Chevy Prizm. If you’re a drug dealer and are driving a Prizm, it’s time to reevaluate your job performance.

Eco-Not-So-Friendly

Cassi — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:57:59 +0000

The fuel that keeps a Kevin running.

Not-So-Drug-Free Zone

Kevin — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:57:38 +0000

I always love it when you see someone on the news after a drug bust, saying “we can’t have that in our neighborhood.” I’m curious… exactly what neighborhood is that okay in? How can you tell – do you go based on the name? “Hmm.., there’s Brookview, Autumn Woods, and Meth Creek….”

Wa Ho

Guest Beaker — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:27:50 +0000

“You know how you can tell a good Waffle House? The number of letters lit up on the sign. Best one I ever ate at – ‘Wa Ho.'”

Thanks to M. for this story.

A Shitty Side Effect

Cassi — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 00:58:34 +0000

Sometimes the side effects seem like they would be worse than the condition you’re trying to cure.

The warnings on Kevin’s antibiotics:

Not Such A Jolly, Happy Soul After All

Kevin — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 22:41:37 +0000

So, after they put the silk hat on his head, Frosty the Snowman immediately notices that the sun is hot that day. His first thought as a living, sentient being, and he’s already contemplating his own thermally-hastened mortality.