Me, Myself An Eye

Live From Planet Earth (For The NYC Heads!)

2009-07-17T17:53:00.002-04:00

Forgive me for my absence this week. Did y'all know I fell and busted myself and I'm on a cane with a cast? Well, I am.

Anyway, there is a dope event going down TOMMORROW night here in Brooklyn. Please check it out and show your love!

Live From Planet Earth, Brooklyn: "Rest In Beats"
Saturday, July 18
www.livefromplanetearth.org

Who's Down With OPP?

2009-07-15T12:14:00.003-04:00

What it do? I'm not working at a desk at the moment and my hours have gotten bananas (though my check is still peanuts, go figure), so it's a little hard for me to get to y'all. I have tried blogging from my supercool new Blackberry Curve (you see me!), but alas, I am too stupid. And lately, it feels like my body is awake, but my brain is sleep. Gargamel! I'm always on the Twitter though, so holler at a player when you see me in the Tweets: twitter.com/sistertoldja.

Oh, and it's Black Weblog Awards season again! Help me get a threepeat ~~or else I might quit blogging, real talk~~ in the Best Personal Blog category and/or win some new shit!

Now, let's get down to buisniness. I overheard some White woman talking today about her work in the music industry with R&B artists. As she had a group of young Black men rapt about all she has accomplished and all who she has worked with, I have decided it is time we stopped letting White folks have all the fun. It is time for me to get paid by appropriating someone else's culture! Dammit! And while I know that NO OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE has ever left the gate open and set out a plate of cookies for cultural pillagers like Black folks have (or rather, no other group has felt that they could only thrive with the help/approval of White folks, like Black folks have or rather, no other group has needed the affirmation of White folks like Black folks have, whatever), I think if I take some notes from popular culture, I could be the next big thing at something I had nothing to do with creating.
1)Take, Take, Take. Contribute Little.

Were there any laws regarding cultural ownership, Gwen Stefani's ass would be locked under the jail for the rest of her natural life. She's managed to pull a full time jack move on cholas, Rastas, hood sistas AND Japanese girls. Whereas Madonna has completed more swag swipes and managed to (usually) be more kitchy about it, Gwen seems to be convinced she really belongs to whatever her flavor of the month culture is. She even managed to turn four Japanese mega stars into her own little travelling minsrel show! However, Stefani isn't really bringing much to the table at all, musically or otherwise. Everything she is is pfilfered, but she makes it seem cool (I guess) because she's so natural doing it. The same thing goes for business owners. Don't worry about joinging any neighborhood councils or actually contributing to the area you serve. Just stack that cheese and let them people worry about themselves. Wanna make soul food with no connection to the folks who created it? Sure! No need to add to the design of the cuisene, just cook that shit and keep it moving.

2) Respect? Why Bother?

Justin Timberlake was allowed to leave Janet Jackson (JANET JACKSON!) out to dry after "Nipplegate 2004" AND come on stage at the Golden Globes walking on his knees mocking Prince's height. PRINCE! Never mind that the boy was given easy acess to the R&B kingdom and had his solo career nurtured by some of the biggest producers in the game, dude felt no qualms about disrespecting Black legends from whom he has borrowed so much. And why should he? Hasn't stopped him from selling a record, has it? And it hasn't made Black folks feel any less compelled to work with him either.

When it comes to small businesses, you can follow people around your store, talk greasy about them in your native tounges, check bags and do whatever you like! Who cares? If you have a service folks can't get easily or cheaply elsewhere, you are in there like swimwear.

3)Keep It Real...At Home

The cool thing about culural appropriation for professional gain is that when you go to bed at the end of the night, you can leave it all behind. Look at Fergie, Gwen AND Justin Timberlake: just as "soulful" and "Hip-Hop" as you can get on stage. But in their personal lives, they are partnered with three of entertainment's Whitest White folks. Gavin Rossedale ain't nobody's Rasta man, I tell you what. Not that I would ever advocate choosing your mate based on brand credibility. I'm just noting these choices as a reminder that these folks have embraced "ethnic" cultures for the stage, nothing more. When they go home, they eat Oscar Meyer bacon and green bean cassarole. Same for a lot of the folks who serve the hood. They deal with you fools from 9-9, pack up the whip and drive the Hell away to the safety of their own neighborhoods, with no friends or neighbors who look anything like the people they make their ends from.

That said, all that's left for me to do now is choose which group I'm gonna steal from. I've narrowed it down to three choices:

1) American Jewish Comedians

This may be a good look, as I don't sing and dance and Jewish Americans aren't known for that anyway. Remember the episode of Seinfield when the Gentile guy was accused of converting to Judaism "for the jokes"? I might take that route myself. However, given that the Jewishness of someone with a Gentile mother is questioned, I am not sure how a Black girl such as myself would fare as a new Jew. I'm thinking it will be awkward at the temple, not so good at Hillel and I doubt they'll let me be a Jewish cultural phenomenon. However, I do have some GREAT tips on haircare for Afros that some of my new Jewish comedian bredren could certainly use. L'chaim!

2)Asian Buisness Owners

Practically every Black neighborhood in America is bursting at the seams with Asian owned businesses- corner stores, beauty supply stores, nail shops and dry cleaners in particular. Now, though I have mixed emotions about this, I DO patronize some of these places (but only the ones that I feel treat their customers with respect and yes, I do make an effort to support Black buisnesses before others when I can). It's time for a little reciprocity. I think I should move to a Korean, Chinese or Indian neighborhood and open up my own stuff. I am thinking a Korean bistro or a gas station or maybe a waxing place. I will price out everyone in the neighborhood, speak in impossible to decipher Ebonics to my coworkers about the customers and place security mirrors all over the store.

3)Boring Ass "Regular" White America

I'd really like to go 'Hit Em Up Style' on good old "regular" Americans, just to do it. But if they had anything worth taking, they wouldn't take so much, would they? Dammit. What does middle America have? Hockey moms? Nascar? Racism? Wal-Mart? Corn? CORN! I am gonna start a cornfield in Brooklyn! Take that, take that!

PS-It's all fun and jokes, kids. Don't get all Tresevanty on me today, k?

What The World Needs Now

2009-07-09T00:53:00.003-04:00

is laughter. Sweet laughter. And I came prepared. Before you watch the clip below, let me explain how this song reentered my lifespace (and my iPod, via a homegirl who had it on her iTunes, YES [NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YOOOOOOU!]). When my sister was in town late last year, I met a guy in the bar who was cute but rather dim. I prolly told y'all the story about how he asked about the "decor" in my apartment, because I seemed like I "like incense and candles and shit". My sister called me a week later and said "What happened with 'Slow and Sexy' from the bar?" I pretty much died.

And now, the most awesome collaboration in musical history: Shabba Ranks and Johnny Gill

So much to comment on, where do we start?

-Is that a drag queen at 0:02?
-"If you want to see me naked, say 'take it off'..." LEAVE IT ON SHABBA! LEAVE IT ON!
-"12 inches or more" Um, no. If that weren't excessively big anyway, why doesn't he know the exact size? Does it change? That's like saying "I wear a 36DD or bigger".
-Johnny Gill's fake Jamerican accent. OMG OMG OMG!
-Remember when Johnny said on ~~his coming out special~~ the New Edition "Behind The Music" that he sang all crazy on "Can You Stand The Rain" because he didn't like the song? Does he hate this song too?
-This fool said "Makey love all through the night".

You're all welcome,
Sister Toldja

I'm Still Struggling

2009-07-07T13:54:00.005-04:00

If the death of Michael Jackson was one of those rare unifying moments that brought people together en masse to mourn and reflect, it seems that Steve McNair's vicious murder will instead be a polarizing one. I know that I have offended/disgusted/disappointed a few people on Twitter with my thoughts regarding the killing, but I feel how I feel. It's also difficult to present an entire argument in 140 character bursts, so I thought I'd break down my personal feelings on my personal blog. If you don't wish to deal with them, the 'x' in the right hand corner will always be your friend.

Steve McNair, in my opinion, did not deserve to die. I know that some would disagree, because the Bible states "the wages of sin are death" (I thought that was just a cleaver Me'Shell N'Degeocello line for years, btw). I also know that a lot of other Christians who are usually quick to jump up and down and extol the "sins" of gays and others, even in the face of their murder, are unusually quiet on this matter. I have heard (primarily from Black men) "We didn't know what was going on with him and his wife." Well, we know one thing that was: adultery.

I'll say it again so people understand that I mean it: barring some as yet exposed evidence that he had physically terrorized this woman in some way, Steve McNair did not deserve to die. Under my code of morality, what he did wrong was not something that merited death as a punishment. HOWEVER, it is because McNair broke his covenant with God and his wife and took on a disturbingly young girlfriend (one who was a teen at the time of their initial engagement) that he is no longer here. We often consider divorce, financial turmoil, unplanned pregnancy, disease transmission and issues with one's children to be the primary consequences of an affair. However, as with any situation we place ourselves in, there can be unforeseen troubles that arise. Such is the case here.

We are too accepting of infidelity in this country. We seem to take for granted that most men- especially Black men and especially those of means- will cheat, are entitled to do so even! Face the facts: McNair made a choice that cost him his life, his wife a husband and his children a father. It so happened that he died by the gun, so people find it easy to ignore his culpability. What if she had given him AIDS or if they had died the night she got a DUI just days before the murder suicide? McNair gambled with the lives and safety of himself and his family and he lost.

And for anyone who wants to cry "victim blaming", this is the same as someone getting assaulted while robbing a house. It doesn't ignore the crime against the criminal, but we have to acknowledge that the victim wouldn't have been assaulted had they been where they were supposed to be and did what they were supposed to do.

As for this woman, while I can't help but wonder what was wrong with her to push her to such a heinous act, I do believe there has to be a special place in Hell for someone who steals a woman's husband and then steals his life. I wish she had just blown her own brains out. Well, I wish that she had been raised better, received the help she needed to deal with her own issues and that she had never been a trifling, low life whore. I'm sad for her two, to be so messed up at 20 years old is heartbreaking. And having a full grown man with money sniffing around your drawers and dangling Escalade keys isn't the sort of remedy she needed. What a pathetic woman, to kill the father of four children...for what?

When you get married and/or procreate, you can no longer live your life for yourself. You have greater commitments to honor. The things a single person can do, like taking up with a crazy young broad, should be no more. Your decisions impact not only your own life, but the lives of those who love and depend on you. I wish Steve McNair to rest in peace, but more so, I wish he had chose wiser. And I hope that people learn from this instance and realize the weight your choices can have.

Who Gets The Jazz?

2009-07-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

I have not forgotten my commitment to delivering some Jazz info every few days, it's just been a hectic couple of weeks. I am consumed with my upcoming move (yes, the saga of me and my horrible roommates ends Friday!) and, as you can tell, the passing of the King of Pop. I wanted to share one of my favorite internet thing things with you: Jazz On The Tube. It's a great search engine for Jazz clips on the web. You can also sign up to have a video (sometimes two) sent you your email addy each day- it's a real treat and great way to discover new tunes.

Last week, JOTT introduced me to Miles Davis' cover of Michael Jackson's "Human Nature" live at the Monreaux Jazz Festival:

Love it! I'd also like to share one of my longtime faves, John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman's "Lush Life":

Sometimes when I listen to Coltrane, I feel like I'm in love with him and we just have a very low key relationship. Is that weird? It was, forget I said it. But seriously, portraying Alice in a 'Trane biopic that I wrote=life goal, for real.

Charles Mingus-"Moanin"

This ish is amazing. Just think about it: Black folks, this is your history. And the present aint always a gift.Anyway, this is a crazy tune and it makes me think of Michele Obama's recent quote about Jazz being like democracy: "individual freedom with responsibility to the group." RESPONSIBILITY TO THE GROUP IS NOT BRINGING YOUR KIDS ON STAGE WHEN YOU TALKING ABOUT FUCKIN ALL THE GIRLS IN THE WORLD, btw. Shame on alla y'all involved!

I'll leave y'all with one of my favorite contemporary Jazz musicians, Roy Hargrove and his RH Factor. Not *technically* a Jazz song, but definitely worth presenting, this is their cover of Parliament's "I'll Stay". I think I have posted it before, but like my favorite NKOTB song, it bears repeating. Featuring D'Angelo, ftw.

Peace to all you cool cats and nappy sweets!
Sister Toldja

There's No Thinking About Anything Else Right Now, So Quit Deluding Yourself

2009-06-29T01:29:00.004-04:00

And if you thought the BET Awards was gonna provide some sort of closure, well then maybe you should stop thinking all together and go take a nap.

As you can see, I took the pilgrimage up to Harlem's Apollo Theatre this weekend to pay my respects to dear Michael as best as I could.

I like how the sun hit the flowers in this picture. I couldn't get close enough to show how much stuff there was out there! And there was an "Off The Wall" tribute, where fans could sign their condolences. There were THOUSANDS of messages. I went late Saturday afternoon and about 200 people were out there singing:

I was only able to stay out there a couple minutes, I got pretty emotional. My eyes welled up and I wanted to cry, but I went by myself and decided to just keep it moving. When they got to "Ben", a song that makes me cry on a regular day, I left. Some people handle death well, some don't. I've never felt so emotional about a celebrity's passing. That could be due to the fact that no other artist who I felt so strongly about has left us yet. The only others who could bring me to that level...I don't even want to speak it in to existence. *Shudders* I'll just say both of them are closely associated with Michael and you will literally have to come pick my ass up off the ground if one of them passes before age 70.

How did you all feel this weekend? Michael barely left my thoughts ~~except when I got kicked out the club for something I didn't do, don't even get me started, ugh~~. I heard his music everywhere I went, from the dollar store to the club to just walking down the street. And since I love his music so much and hate what I usually hear in those places, I almost felt happy. Michael was in my life space so much, it was almost exciting. There was an eerie feeling that something was gonna happen or that he was going to emerge and react to all of this. I know it sounds weird, but I am alone here? It just felt like this was the anticipation of him doing something, not him being funeralized. If love could raise someone from the great beyond, then MJ would have tapped Jamie Foxx on the shoulder last night and said "Thank you, I got it from here."

I went to one MJ tribute party and it took me a minute to actually enjoy myself. I kept thinking "We are here because Michael Jackson is dead." A friend gave me a little pep talk and reminded me that Michael is finally at peace and that we should be glad for that. And I loosened up, but there is still some pain and even denial on my part. Janet Jackson's brief apperance on the BET Awards really took me over the edge. I look at how I'm feeling and I'm just a fan. I can't even imagine the family's pain right now.

I should be able to though, I lost an uncle last week. Somewhat guiltily, I'll admit the obvious: his death didn't touch me nearly as much as that of a man I never met. We just didn't have much of a relationship, which is the case with most of my mother's side of the family. I hurt mostly for my mother's pain and since there was so little of my own, I was able to support her without falling apart. He was a good man, my uncle. He called me "Cabbage Patch" when I was a kid and it got shortened to "Cabbage". It didn't tickle me at the time, but I have to laugh now thinking about a 5-year-old being called "Cabbage". He also made me some great fried chicken once and I put ketchup on it, because kids are disgusting that way. Good times.

MJ's death has brought people together in a way I have only seen once before: the Obama election. It's amazing how people are grieving and celebrating Michael's life together and how social networks like Twitter and Facebook have facilitated that on a whole new level. How do we channel all this collectivism in to something good? What can we do with all this feeling that we're feeling? I've been "living Off The Wall" for almost 25 years, that's definitely a recommendation. What else? My heart hurts.

Why? (The King Of Pop Is Dead)

2009-06-26T11:31:00.000-04:00

I don't really have any words yet and I am writing this about three hours after it happened. It is my sincerest wish that we focus our attention on Michael Jackson's contributions to the canon of Black Music...American music...and not on the more unfortunate details of his personal life.

I'll share a few MJ tales. I know all the choreography from "Beat It"! My BFFs and I learned it in high school in my homegirl's basement, watching the "HIStory" DVD! And waaaaay back on my 4th birthday, I remember my favorite preschool teacher playing the "Bad" record so that we could dance. Yes, it was on vynyl! It was the 80's! I thought Michael was the cutest boy ever, but my mother made a point to always talk about how cute he was as a kid before his looks...changed.

Well, we can't avoid that all together, can we? Over these next few weeks, we will be inundated with photo montages and video clips. And it will be hard to ignore the change in our brother's appearance. Yes, it happened and no, he wasn't our beautiful little brown boy at the time of his passing. But he was still the Michael we loved so, flaws and all. Here's something people never really mention: for all the effort put in to changing the racial appearance of his features (yes, I said it, I'm sorry!), Michael did not lack appreciation for the beauty of Africa.

The world STOPPED when the "Remember The Time" video debuted. This video, which depicted the lovely Iman as an Egyptian queen, was the product of a man who hung out with Elizabeth Taylor...who played Cleopatra and messed with the global perception of the Egyptian race! Chew on that for a second.

And hello, "Liberian Girl" anyone?

Michael's influence over R&B and Pop music is undeniable, to say the absolute least. Groups like New Edition and their descendants (New Kids On The Block on down to Backstreet) were heavily molded by the work of the Jackson 5. Bobby Brown, Usher, Chris Brown, Ne-Yo, Justin Timberlake and many, many others owe the King of Pop their eternal gratitude. For while they were not all cut from the same cloth (actually, none of them were), they were definitely created in his image.

Michael's life may have been turbulent and he may have made some choices we don't agree with or done somethings that made us scratch our collective heads. However, we will never forget what Michael was really about: THE MUSIC! The beautiful and timeless and grooving and special and incomparable music he made for the majority of his years on this planet. I am so glad for who he was and who he will always be. The King of Pop.

Most of MJ's official videos are banned from being embedded, but I have to share a few faves nonetheless:

Let the musicians of today reflect on the legacy of this man and STEP THEIR GAME UP! As it stands, no performer has come close to topping MJ's legacy and no one is poised to either. Let's see a return to real music, y'all. Let's make Michael proud! Let's build legacies, not just take from them.

We are mournful, but we celebrate. Bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Rahim! With the glory of the creator, Michael, you lived and breathed beautiful music. And so we will love you forever and always.

I Owe You Nothing

2009-06-24T11:27:00.004-04:00

It's summertime (to some extent) and the living is hard. Women such as myself are pounding the pavement in the city in breezy work dresses for the day and various states of underdress for the night (or vice versa, whatever). And as arms, shoulders and thighs emerge from the oppressive fabric bindings of cold weather, men are loosing their minds.

Not that it's so easy to be young, female and on two legs in the wintertime. Men who speak ill garbage to women in the streets rarely take a vacation. However, the presence of puffy coats and snow boots tend to give some layer of protection from the out and out shameful objectification that emerges in the summer. Sorta like lambskin condoms, if you will. Not that I have ever used one, because I don't plan on getting pregnant while wearing a condom. MESSAGE. Anyway, men are making my daily life more miserable than usual and I am pretty pissed about it.

Forget Ikea, THIS is my Vietnam

I can deal with men driving me insane by being non-committal or elusive or simply not knowing how to function in a relationship or being bad lovers or being great lovers who are so great they just gotta share it with every Tom, Dick and Sally or who I am just not in to or who are just not in to me. I can deal with those men because I have signed up for dealing with them. I can take them or leave them or work with them. But when it comes to the men in the street, I didn't ask for their conversation or company.

Nothing a woman wears is an open pass for harassment. And while I certainly get the worst treatment when my hemlines are at the "questionable" point, even when I have on my work gear, I gotta deal with some man demanding that I smile or TELLING me to stop and talk to him. The best part is when I reject one of this miscreants (usually in a polite way, depending on how he came at me) and I have to hear some commentary about "Fuck that bitch, she ain't that cute" or "She ain't got no ass anyway!" when I walk away. If I wasn't cute, why did you call me "gorgeous"? And how dare you comment about my body when I never invited you to appraise it in the first place?

If you haven't guessed, most of the men who are causing me this frustration are low-class street urchins. They are hugging the block when I leave for work in the AM and when I stumble in from the club in the earlier AM. Nothing about how I dress or carry myself on an average day would imply that I would cavort with these sort of men. But we know that street niggas aren't best known for their ability to be perceptive and reasonable. I don't have a problem with "Hey miss lady, how are you?" or "You look nice". But when someone is visibly sizing up every inch of your body? That's not okay. When someone gets angry that you don't want to talk to them? That's insane. When someone demands that you pay them some attention? That's ridiculous.

I've asked some of these men before, "When you wake up in the morning, is it your express goal to ruin as many Black women's days as possible?" Of course "express goal" and even "wake up in the morning" are foreign terms to these useless niggas, so I haven't really gotten anywhere with that beyond solidifying their belief that I'm just a stuck-up bitch. And one with a flat ass at that. I just fear that my demise will come after I have barked on some dude and informed him "Bitch, even with a small butt I am too fucking good for you ANYWAY! Too good looking, too smart, too motherfucking everything and I wouldn't matter if I had five titties and six toes, I would still be light years out of your motherfucking league!" And then, boom boom pow.

Part of the reason I get so miffed when people try and tell me that Hip-Hop has no measurable impact on grown-ups is because of behavior like this. I know that men whistled at pretty ladies and made rude comments about big brown thighs for decades before anyone ever rocked a mic, but I also know that Rap music has helped to completely brainwash our Black men and women about concepts of masculinity and male behavior. You sit around all day listening to 'bitch' this, 'ho' that, 'I just wanna fuck you', 'come here trick' and tell me it won't have some impact on how you view the world. BULLSHIT! And everyone who has tried to convince me otherwise has had some obvious signs of brainwashing in their very own behavior!

God forbid I have some ice cream. And you know I live for a McDonald's cone in the summer. 99 cent and only 150 calories*. So I'm bopping down the block with a cone and what do you know? One of your cousins is salivating like I'm deep throating a dildo. Or some knucklehead has to ask "Can I have some?" Depending on how bad my temperament is (it's a delicate equation of how many men have disturbed me that day times what time of the month it is divided by what else is going on in my life), I will either tell him "I rather stick the whole thing up my nose" or "Go to hell" or I'll just through the whole thing down and say "Thanks for ruining my fucking day." or I'll say "I'd rather die" or whatever I can come up with to try my damnedest to make them feel as uncomfortable as they have made me.

Before you apologists start chastising me for berating the Black man instead of trying to help him, please believe I have. I have told men "Hey, I don't deserve that", "That isn't the way you approach a lady", "I didn't ask to be spoken to that way" and even "You are old enough to be my father, if not my grandfather. If you want the respect you deserve as an elder, you have to carry yourself with some dignity." Think it works? The worst thing you can do, it seems, is dare to take ownership of your own body in the face of some lost souls who don't even own their own minds.

So it's summer and the cursing, spitting, dismissive eye roll, reproachful glare, snide remark arsenal is ready and already in use for those who dare challenge my ability to walk the streets without being made to feel like a piece of meat at best and a target at worst. And yet, I still feel powerless. The only think I really can do is to talk to younger Black boys (and girls) and help them to understand how this behavior makes women feel in hopes that the mini-Toldjas running around will not have to suffer as I have when they get older.

*Awaiting the onslaught in the comments section*
Sister Toldja

*Make sure they don't overfill the cone. A serving is only 3.5 ounces, but they will sometimes give you much more!

Stop It. Now. b/w Enter The Jazz Messenger

2009-06-22T02:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Black people,

Yes, that's me. I didn't tell you I grew my eyebrows out?

I have some things I need to get off of my chest. We have been together for a long time. Almost 25 years, plus ancestral memory and such. This is the silver anniversary! You know most Black folks don't make it much further than wood! Shoot, a lot of us didn't make it past cotton, if you think about it.

Ahem. Anyway, I need you to do something for me. Something big. Consider it a birthday gift. Or hell, let's just call it reciprocity for 25 years of loyal service.

Black people: STOP EMBARRASSING ME!

Seriously, this is getting old! Lord knows I have made some mistakes in my day, but for the most part, I have fallen short of any sort of behaviors that reflect on the collective in a bad way. And yet, I have the unfortunate luck of being bound by race to so many....miscreants! Ne'erdo'wells!

I'm sick of your homophobia, I'm sick of folks thumping the King James version of the Bible (when they've hardly even read it, let alone challenged the notion of a political figure deciding that he can rewrite such a text), I'm sick of the Tyler Perry industrial complex, I am sick of auto-tune, I'm sick of gold teeth, I'm sick of award shows, I'm sick of name brand clothes.

It's not that I care so much about what other folks think of us. Especially now when we have the big trump card that is our President. It's just that folks like the goon who came up with "My president is Black/my Lambo's blue" have a lot of sway over how young Black folks perceive Blackness and what it means to be us. Furthermore, it just blows my mind how some of us disregard the work our elders did in order to gain basic human dignity by making an effort to go out and be as niggerish as possible. There is not a day that goes by that I don't want to grab one of our folks on the street and shake them and say "WE DESCEND FROM GREATNESS! AND I DON'T JUST MEAN THE KINGS AND QUEENS FROM THE DAMN BUDWEISER CALENDAR FROM THE 90'S! WE HAD DIGNITY JUST DECADES AGO! PULL UP YOUR PANTS! TURN YOUR 'SWAG' OFF AND YOUR BRAIN ON!"

When it comes to Negritude, I'll teach you how to stunt, my people. Angela Davis will teach you. Michela Angela Davis will. Jill Nelson. Jill Scott. Kevin Powell. Mark Anthony Neal. Barack and Michelle Obama. And from the ancestral cabinet, George Jackson, El-Haji Malik and Betty Shabazz, John Henrik Clarke and so many others will. And you can go forward and do us proud, okay? Just please stop cooning and clowning and making us shame.

Now, since I am trying to be in the business of walking the talk...lately, I have been feeling sad about the lack of exposure most Black folks have to Jazz. And no, not that smooth B.S. that made Kenny G a millionaire many times over. I'm talking about REAL Jazz. While I was raised on Jazz, particularly by my father's influence, even I am very short of being a true expert or afficianado. I own albums by folks including Nina Simone, Coltrane, Miles, Mingus and my great-uncle by marriage Thelonious Monk, but there is so much for me to learn. Sadly, most of the folks who are interested in Jazz these days aren't Black. I can't blame them, that'd be like throwing a filled fridge away and being mad when your neighbor decides to make a good meal with your trash. But I don't want us to completely let other folks take ownership over that which our people created.

That said, I will be adding "Jazz Messenger" to my list of self-appropriated titles. No less than thrice a week, I will be including a video or a link to something Jazz related at the close of the post. Some of these songs will be familiar to me and others will be new discoveries. Let's learn and grow together, folks. We come from Charlie Parker and Alice Coltrane, let's not only limit ourselves to Little Wayne and Rihanna, mmkay?

The first clip is one of my favorite tunes of all time, Miles Davis' "Blue In Green". It appears on the seminal Kind Of Blue album, which is believed to be the greatest selling and most influential Jazz record of all time. "Blue In Green" is a ballad and embodies the modal* sound of the album.

Ya dig?
Sister Toldja

*I'm still trying to figure out how to totally process the difference between the different sub-genres of Jazz (modal, cool, hard bop, bebop, etc)beyond the obvious distinctions. If anyone has any suggestions on how to do so without knowing how to read music, please drop me a line!

** Shout out to Polly Pocket, who I met at the Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival! I love meeting readers! If you ever see me in the streets, holler at your girl!

Black Is Black As Black

2009-06-16T12:32:00.006-04:00

I have the site set up where I moderate comments that are received more than a week after the original entry was posted. I read them, but I don't usually engage older discussions again, 'cause I have usually made my point by then. However, I have been stewing a little over a comment that was made last week about a post from September regarding Black folks' unhealthy relationship with complexion. In the original post, I addressed the fact that Black folks tend to bemoan preference for light skin and accept (if not celebrate) those who solely/typically desire darker-skinned mates:

Why the double standard? I have two theories. The most obvious being that because darker-complexioned folks have been the greater victims of the legacy of slavery's caste system, celebrating them serves as a criticism of their disenfranchisement. There hasn't been a time in Afro-American history where being light-skinned made one vilified or considered less-attractive, so there is no widespread need to celebrate or convince ourselves that "light is beautiful". That notion has been shoved in our faces for far too long.

I also believe that Black people tend to associate darker skin with authentic Blackness. As a result, when we hear someone laud the looks of a darker brother or sister, we subconsciously interpret this as an affirmation of their appreciation for Blackness. Thus, a Black man proclaiming his appreciation for dark skin and kinky hair is celebrating his Black heritage, whereas a Black man extolling the beauty of light skin and curly hair is revealing his self-hatred or color issues.

Here is the recent comment from "Foxy Black":
"I don't think that a preference for dark skin is as wrong as a preference for light. Let's face it...we are (when not diluted with other blood) a dark people. To prefer lighter skin is to prefer black when it is not fully black.

I find that lighter skin people, men and women, tend to ASSUME that people want them. That makes people like me say 'to hell with you'. I like darker skinned men and I'm not sorry for that.

And like jenteel said, when people say they want to be 'darker' or they want a 'dark' man, what are they really wanting? Do they just mean caramel or milk chocolate? Even a man with a peppermint pattie complexion still has some trouble."

It's rare that a comment on this blog makes me upset but this comment made me...well, upset. It's not that I am surprised that people feel this way, as she pretty much summed up the attitude that I described in my piece. But you know how there are things that you may secretly think or feel, but wouldn't express publicly because you KNOW it's kinda ignorant or flat-out wrong? Yeah, I would have put this comment in that boat.

I personally think that when it comes to having color-preference, it's one thing to be drawn usually to a certain type and another to say "I only like XYZ" or "Only XYZ men are attractive." I also think it's somewhat normal to be skewed in the direction of mates who resemble a parent. I know I begrudgingly accepted that I am particularly attracted to tall light skinned men and figured that it had to do with the fact that my first image of manhood was a tall, light-skinned father. And as a daddy's girl, I've been subconsciously looking for a man who reminded me of him either physically or in terms of behavior and attitude. I also think that as a function of the ego, we tend to seek mates who remind us of ourselves. Looking back at the men I have liked the most in my dating/crush having history, the ones I wanted most resembled me in a lot of ways: physically, personality-wise, interests, profession, etc. So yeah, big sturdy high-yellow artsy boys tend to score rather high in my book. But it doesn't negate the good looks of men who don't look like me.

However, I don't think that I should feel any shame about my preference more than the dark complexioned sister who tends to prefer chocolate men. I think it's the folks who are ONLY attracted to one sort of look or who are primarily attracted to folks who look different from themselves or different from their parents who are speaking to some sort of issues. I.E. the friend I had in high school who was the color of dark cocoa and said "When I think of a pretty girl, light skinned girls are the first thing that come to mind." His mother, who he had a great relationship with, looked just like he did. So did his dad.

HOWEVER, we had this conversation in September and I didn't want to have it again. What "Foxy's" comment raised in me was frustration at the notion that complexion is a quantifier of Blackness. I find that absurd. Now, we are all intelligent to realize that there is no standard scale for accessing degrees of Negritude and there is, of course, a difference between being racially Black and culturally Black (though I would argue that one can be the former and not the latter, but one MUST be the former to be the latter). And we know that there are a number of ways one could be culturally Black, even if they hate Rap, basketball, Soul Food and many of the other cultural products typically associated with Blackness.

But is "Foxy" implying some sort of reverse one-drop rule? Where "authentic" Blackness is determined by complexion and percentage of non-Black blood in one's veins? We aren't in the Sudan. We are generations upon generations removed from Africa. One could look like Vanessa Williams and have never met a relative who was anything but Black. Would she be less Black than someone who had stronger African features? What about the browner-skinned biracial kid who doesn't look mixed. Is she Blacker than him? I've know folks who looked as "out of place" in their family as Denise and Sandra did to the other Huxtables. That's what happens with generations of race mixing and complexion mixing and science stuff that I really don't know much about.

We are NOT a "dark people". As Africans in America, or even globally, we are a people of many, many complexions. We are as much Barack as we are Michelle. And while MOST Africans were typically darker at some point in our history, we are in 2009. If Blackness were determined by complexion only, perhaps people would wear Clarence Thomas on their t-shirts instead of Malcolm X. Black is as Black does. And while not everything we do is beautiful or for the best interests of the collective, it is not complexion that determines one's value in the community. 50 Cent is dark. Huey Newton is light. Who represents a better image of Black manhood? Where does the man who looks like 50 and acts like Huey fit in?

Theoretically, I understand what "Foxy" is saying: to appreciate dark skin and to value it most is to value who you are and where you came from. However, it would be foolhardy to act as if we are not hundreds of years deep in looking like all shades of the complexion rainbow. If dark skin once meant something about your proximity to Africa and Blackness in thought or action...it doesn't now. Find another way to express your love for who you are as an African descendant, because marginalizing high yallers and mulattoes isn't going to cut it.

In fact, "Foxy", I'm of the opinion that I am Blacker than you, despite being (presumably) lighter. Care to challenge that? I'd gladly publish a counterpoint.

Sister Toldja-
Black as the Ace of Spades
Black as Kathleen Cleaver
Black is as Black does

Sir Fabulous Does, In Fact, Explain It All

2009-06-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned last week, my nearest and one of my dearest SIR FABULOUS HIMSELF will be answering questions from you good folks on The Beautiful Struggler! Yay! And despite the fact that he filmed/enabled "Slowly, Surely (The Drunk Taxi Remix)",he is brilliant and gives super duper advice.

For his first consultation, he is solving the problems of our friend Unequivocal Difference:

UD: I've had two different issues I've been grappling with and some outside advice would be wonderful. The first is serious where as the other is kind of silly, but confusing none the less:

I am conflicted in terms of occupation. I have recently graduated from college, and have been looking for jobs. I know the job of my dreams is out there, but I am feeling pressure to get a job that I will probably end up hating because I don't come from a family that can monetarily support me for years while I try to chase after this dream (I want to be a news caster, but most entry level jobs are part time and I would not be able to support myself with a part time job). So what do you suggest I do? Should I wait for a time where it would be easier for me to chase my dreams, after a few years or so - possibly missing my window of opportunity in the mean time? Or should I scratch and survive anyway I can/possible be a burden on my family to get to where I know I need to be?

SFH: You don’t sound conflicted as much as you sound afraid. (Or maybe that fear is fueling your confliction?) You know that taking this "stable" job is going to frustrate you and lead to happiness, so how secure is it? Unhappy employees generally don’t do well, and in this economy, employers are just looking for a reason to shave staff. Follow your dream. You say you can’t support yourself on one part-time job? Well what about two? Side gigs and hustles are wonderful ways to supplement your income. You can also explore other interests and expand your network while working outside of your "primary" job.

Ultimately, you’re going to try to chase that dream at some point, as you will tire of people pleasing. Why not cut out the bull in the middle and go for it right now?!?

UD: There is a young man who I have liked for a while, and he likes me - which is great! But the unfortunate part... The really really! unfortunate part is in the bedroom we just CAN NOT get it together. It's not that we aren't sexually attracted to each other, but it's just a mess of things. I've liked him too long to just give up on my feelings for him, but I can't bare the thought of having to sleep with him again. People have suggested I help 'train him up', but he swears he's great in bed and probably won't be open to suggestions. So how can I get around either his stubbornness, or come to grips with the fact that if I choose to continue to like him - I could never date him because I couldn't subject myself to that on a consistent basis?

SFH: Hmmm. This one is tricky. For starters, it seems to me like you and the guy need to work on your "relationship" first and foremost. Based on your question, I don’t know that there is clarity in communication, or about what this "relationship" is. If you can’t talk to him honestly, this is gonna go nowhere. Fast. Next, you say that if you continue to like him you could never date him, because the sex is bad. So are you two dating now, or just "liking" each other? If it’s the former, pump the brakes on sex, and get to a space where you can share things, including personal and critical things. If it’s the latter, which I suspect it is, you can’t demand or expect much as you have no proprietary rights to his lovemaking, and he’s probably getting it in somewhere else as well. You just like each other. This sounds to me like a fling that won’t make the memoir because it’s just not that exciting. Don’t feel bad however, as we all will experience those. Just delete this from your list and your "number" and move on to the next. The last tidbit, is the ugly side of possibility, which is maybe it’s you? But I haven’t driven that course, and only like fish on a plate, so I can’t really discuss that too much.

ST: I'll jump in on that one and ask, what are you doing sexually, sister? You busting them Kegels like you 'posed to? I'll agree with SFH that the relationship/friendship is what you need to reconcile first- what is it, what do you want it to be and what does he want? But as far as the bad sex goes, what makes it bad? Is it so inconsistent with your past lovers that he has to be the culprit? Give us more deets, woman! And remember, sex is work! It sometimes takes a while to get a groove with a new partner. If he's worth it, then work on it. Don't be afraid to read books, watch porn and do some self study to get your personal sex game up to and above standard.

If YOU want Sir Fabulous to solve your life conundrums (with a possible unsolicited chime-in from moi), then please drop a line to SFH@thebeautifulstruggler.com and we will hook you up!

Slowly, Surely, Sadly

2009-06-09T12:07:00.003-04:00

Backstory on how the following madness came to be: I used to ride around singing Jill Scott's "Slowly, Surely" and with the radio up loud, I thought I didn't sound so bad. I even contemplated doing a YouTube video of me singing it. Now, YouTube clips of people who can halfway sing approaching the work of someone who can REALLY sing are usually pretty painful. I cannot sing worth a damn, so this was probably the worst idea I have ever had. Well, right behind the time I decided to audtion for the 6th grade talent show singing "Where Is The Love" and not considering 1) that I couldn't sing back then either and 2) it's a duet and I was trying to sing both parts myself.

I mention to Sir Fabulous Himself how I had thought about doing the video, but had came to my senses and nixed the idea. Like any BAD friend, he eggs me on and says "No, I think you should, it will be good!". Just to get a laugh at my expense! So the idea of me doing the video became a running joke. Unfortunately, poor judgement, an iPod and a Flip Camera all came together for a drunken cabride this weekend and here is the result:

Make sure you stick it out to the end for a snippet of one of my other favorite songs!

You're welcome,
Sister Toldja

Bubblin' Brown Sugar/Sir Fabulous Explains It All!

2009-06-08T11:55:00.004-04:00

Have you ever just felt full with potential? Brimming over with possibilities? Like a little teapot that's finna shout "tip me over and pour me out"? Well, that's me right now, folks. Now as soon as I can harness this energy, then maybe I can do something with it. I have about five projects and ideas just taking over my life space right now and I know I have the talent to make them happen. Now alls I gotta do is figure out how to balance this with the ~~unfortunate~~ work life I already have, in order to keep eating and having doctor visits in the meantime.

Good news! My apartment woes are ending soon. Though my bum ass roommate Al is being evicted by the city Marshall tomorrow (let's see how he weasels out of that one), I have found a new place to live and I am out on July 1st! I'm so excited! It's closer to my peeps and on a quieter block.

The timing is perfect, because the very night I had looked at the spot, I had an issue with a local scallywag. I was in the bodega making a purchase, when two loud-ass women come in: a short, ugly light-skinned one and a tall, very pretty dark-skinned girl. The little one is talking to some dudes and says "Look, I'm LIGHT SKIN. I'm not one of these big, ugly dark-skinned bitches, I'm LIGHT SKIN!" You would think her friend would be offended but she chimes in "And I am caramel".

Now, caramel is one of the most confusing and misused descriptors of Negroid complexion. Partially due to the variation in the color of caramel:

However, she was more like chocolate. While her friend extolled the virtues of her pale skin (she looked like a dirty yellow dishrag), "Caramel" argued with one of the guys who said he liked White women. She's getting really mad, but I had to stifle a laugh when he said "Well, the White girls I date don't cause scenes like this". Meanwhile, one of the dudes is getting offended by the light-skinned bird talking about how she was "light", implying some sort of superiority. He was like "Well, I'm dark skinned, so what are you saying?" She wasn't really saying shit, but sensing her losing battle, she decided to find a new target for her derision.

Disrag: "Well, I'm not one of these BOUGIE BITCHES running around here with they nose in the air, 'cause they forgot where they came from! One of these BOUGIE BITCHES running around like they was born with a silver spoon in they mouth."

If you hadn't guessed, she was talking about me. Now, I have never seen this woman in my life, but that could be due to the fact that she's short and my nose is to far up in the air to see her. On some real shit, I get along good with everyone around my way. The block dudes don't show me as much love after finally realizing that I was never going to hook up with none of them (plus, I told one of them not to call me "Pretty Legs" anymore. How dare I demand ownership of my body?), but no one can say I walk around with an attitude. I may dress different and speak different than her set, but so? I'm extremely down to earth. And as far as where I came from...she don't know where I came from! She never saw me before 2007 at the earliest! And I definitely reflect where I came from.

She repeated herself about five times, while I just acted like she was invisible. But her final "insult" is what really got me:

Disrag: "These BOUGIE BITCHES who forgot where they came from make me sick! All stuck up and shit. That is not what Barack Obama is about!"

Um. What? So you pick the most famous symbol of Black middle class tastes and attitudes to call me out for being bougie? I am so confused. The irony is that I'm from the same neighborhood as Obama. And I didn't forget where I came from one bit. Which is why I was able to ignore her and not get dragged in to the fight she was baiting. Well that, and the fact that I was alone, she had her goons and ugly women go straight to the face scratching in a fight.

I wonder if she took my rejection (which was never outright, always under the guise of "I have a boyfriend") of her male friends personally. If I think I'm "too good" for the men she rolls with, am I saying I'm better than her? Or maybe she wanted to get with the one dude who always flirts with me. Either way, she can have her corner of the world back. I love Bed Stuy, but I stay one one of the worst blocks(natives love telling me this) and it's time to roll to the better side of the 'hood.

If you haven't noticed, there is a new blurb on the right hand navigation advertising my availability for speaking engagements. I can be booked for college/community forums, panel discussions, etc. If you'd like, I can also come to your family reunion and pretend to be a long lost cousin a la Tupac in Poetic Justice ("You don't remember me? Lil' Lucky!"). You can have whatever you like, hey.

Sir Fabulous and I have decided that what the world needs now is a little of his love, sweet love. So I am asking readers of TBS to suggest questions that will be answered on the site by the Fabulous one himself. Despite his role in our legendary shenanigans, SFH is one of the most intelligent folks on the planet and he gives amazing advice. Send questions to SFH@thebeautifulstruggler.com and he will guide you well! Have those in by Friday night so we can get you the help you need ASAP. No topic is out of bounds!

Five For Friday: Week In Review

2009-06-05T11:46:00.005-04:00

I'd be excited about my weekend, but I have a training tomorrow all fucking day. FML. Anyway, it was quite a week and I had more important things to discuss other than the small happenings of my life. But it's Friday and I'm on some self-involved chill type stuff. So today's FFF is a little anecdotal evidence that my life is far less than ordinary, plus a few fun things I'd like to share.

1) I survived two assassination attempts this week. The first came in a very unsuspecting package:

I've been eating this Smart Ones Lasagna Florentine for years. It's okay. A nice departure from protein shakes and whatever other boring lunches I've been torturing myself with for the past few weeks. I heated one up Monday, excited to be having the ever forbidden white pasta. A few bites in, I tasted the most vile flavor ever. It tasted like straight up nail polish remover! Or rather, the Bitrex that is placed in nail polish remover to deter children from drinking it. I had to spit my food back in to the tray, it was so bad. According to the package, the dinner wasn't set to expire until late 2010 and when I called the company, they had no reports of tainted meals. They sent me some coupons for my trouble and I have the poisoned lasagna sitting in my freezer until I make my way to Target and get my damn $1.08 back. I just want to know why Weight Watchers didn't sent poison control to my house. This is obviously a plot.

2) The second attempt on my life came that same night! I was half sleep on the couch when I smelled a faint burning scent. I saw flashing lights at the window and opened the blinds to see the fire department putting out a raging blaze in our garbage can. The entire plastic can burned down to little more than ashes, as did mostly everything that we had disposed of this week! Strangely enough, there was something smoldering in our neighbor's can too. And a pack of matches left on the ground.

I'm pretty sure the culprit was my bum-assed housemate (from this and that). This was the very day the marshals came and put the eviction notice on his door. Coincidence? I think not. You'll be glad to know I'm moving in the next few weeks.

3) Dunkin Donuts is, oddly enough, one of the few fast food restaurants I can go to. The egg white and cheese English muffins and flatbreads, plus the Latte Light and iced coffee/tea are tasty and relatively healthy breakfast options on the go. They could sub some low-fat cheese or something lower in sodium for the American slice, but I deal with it because it's one of my few options on my lunch break. But I'm a little perplexed about this new egg and cheese wrap on the Eat Smart menu:

Photo source
What qualifies this as a wrap? I thought the ends of the tortilla or, well, wrap would have to...wrap around to make it as such. This is a taco shell with half an egg or egg white patty and a whole piece of cheese. It's only 170 calories, but it's not hardly filling and you are losing half the protein from the egg found on a regular Dunkin sammich and keeping all the fat and sodium from the cheese.

It tastes pretty good though. It's nowhere near as gross as McDonald's Mac Wrap, which looks to be Big Mac ingredients on a taco shell (though it is big enough to be called a wrap). What is the fascination with putting American food on taco shells? Cultural cuisine appropriation FAIL.

4)My new YouTube obsession: singing along karaoke versions of timeless songs. Sir Fabulous and I did this for about two hours.My favorite part is noticing the misspelled words and incorrect song lines. Here's a favorite:

5) Speaking of incorrect song lines, I learned the following last night:

- On "The Boy Is Mine", Brandy says "You're the past/I'm the future". I thought she was saying "You're the best in the future", as some sort of awkwardly phrased message of encouragement to her romantic rival. Like, hey, you'll get your own man one day, just not this one.

-On "Don't Let Go (Love)", Dawn says "I often fantasize the stars at night are watching you". I thought it was "I often fantasize the stars at night/oh, a chill". Like it gave her chills. I think my version is better and less stalkerish. Especially since she already wants to dress up in his clothes and get off.

Enjoy your weekend! I'll try to embrace the sorry piece of one I have to look forward to. Le freaking sigh.

R.I.P. Officer Omar Edwards

2009-06-04T11:15:00.002-04:00

Today, funeral services were held here in Bed Stuy for murdered NYPD officer Omar Edwards. Only 25 years old, Edwards was a two-year veteran of the force, a father of two and a newlywed. A reporter from WNYC radio had the opportunity to interview some of Edwards' friends and neighbors:

I have seen hundreds of people, most of them police officers, filling the streets of Bed Stuy for the past few days for Edwards' wake and this morning's funeral services. People are outraged and heartbroken. Many people, including Edwards' father, have expressed sympathy for Andrew Dunton, the officer who fired the fatal shots. Not me. Fuck him.

I have been unable to find a picture of Dunton anywhere, unsurprisingly. If anyone can locate one, please let me know. We need to know what this monster looks like, so that we may protect ourselves from him. Sadly, I find it very unlikely that he will be fired from the department, so we need to know what he looks like so that we may avoid him at all costs. If some of the Bloods or Crips want to take care of him, well, that wouldn't bother me one bit.

While Dunton is currently on desk duty, in cases like this, the offending White officer is typically allowed to return to the streets, with no regard for his lack of ability to show the reasonable judgement required to be a cop. Dunton has had four civilian complained filed against him in his 4.5 years with the NYPD. Two of them were for excessive force. Two of them are as-yet unresolved complaints that were filed in the past year. Only 10% of NYPD officers receive even one complaint in a year.

The Associated Press' Colleen Long wrote a very small minded piece that was widely circulated when the shooting first occurred. It started out as so:

NEW YORK — It's a police officer's nightmare scenario: Confronting someone who appears to be an armed suspect and opening fire, only to discover that person was actually an officer not in uniform
.
No, you privileged idiot, you got that all wrong. Here's a revision: It's a Black police officer's nightmare scenario: you are in plainclothes and confronting a suspect, only to discover that a White officer has also responded to the crime and assumes that you, too, are a criminal. If shooting innocent Black men was such a big fear for White cops, then it wouldn't happen so often. They wouldn't be so apt to shoot first, ask questions last.

Five Black NYPD officers have been shot by White officers since 1992. The Department has announced that they are increasing the amount of trainings that help officers make better judgement calls when it comes to people of color. They showed a clip of one of the training videos on the news last night. RIGHT! And the tapes are not new, they showed a clip on the news and they looked mad old. The words on the screen were "looks can be deceiving" as they showed a Black man in "urban wear" with a gun and A POLICE BADGE AROUND HIS NECK! What is deceiving??????? HE HAS HIS BADGE SHOWING! I know that Officer Edwards didn't, but the person who made the video knew that cops are so knee jerk in their reaction to a Black man with a gun that they may overlook something that major. God, help us.

The NYPD and other police departments in areas with large, Black populations need to stop putting so many White cops in our neighborhoods. In particular, White cops who are from the suburbs/from communities very different from the ones they serve. Most of the White people who play important roles in Black communities, from the teachers to the cops to the store owners, have had little experience with Black people before and outside of their professional lives. This is a recipe for disaster that we have seen play out far too many times. We must gain control of our neighborhoods and make sure that we are adequately represented on the police force.

But how can we ask our people to sign up for the police force when things like this happen?

Away Y'all Go

2009-06-03T11:05:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure if anyone actually saw the movie Run, Fat Boy, Run*. It came out last year and was directed by David Schwimmer. Simon Pegg stars as a man who left his pregnant fiancee (played by Thandie Newton) at the altar. Some time later, she has taken up with a wealthy man (Hank Azaria) and her baby's father decides he wants her back.

Rashida Jones (daughter of Quincy), who notably played Jim's other love interest on The Office, had a role last year as the wife-to-be in I Love You, Man. She's played the girlfriend/wife opposite a White actor in a number of films and TV shows. (Yes, now you see where I am going.)

Zoe Saldana, who played Ashton Kutcher's girlfriend in Guess Who, may have landed her breakout role with the recent hit Star Trek remake. She has a romantic relationship with young Spock this time around.

There is a new film opening soon called Away, We Go starring Maya Rudolph and John Kransinski:

The two play a couple expecting their first baby and travelling the US looking for the best place to raise the little quad...just kidding...little one. It looks like an adorable flick.

It seems like Hollywood is getting mighty comfortable with the casting of Black actresses opposite White males. In most of these films, however, the race of the woman is not discussed. And like most Black actors in non-Black films, the women come unencumbered by Black friends or family members.

All of the women I named are of mixed parentage (all have one Black and one White parent, with the exception of Zoe Saldana. She describes herself as "Dominican, Lebanese, Irish, Indian and Jamaican"). With the exception of Saldana, they are also...how do I put this....light enough not to be so "noticeably Black" (unless you are race obsessed like me, who is like "OH SHIT, SHE'S A SISTER!"). Almost light enough to "pass".

Is this simply "color-blind casting" or are biracial Black girls now as hot in the White boy streets as they are in Negronia? Is the lack of mention of race in these films because the girls are so light and surrounded by White friends, so it hardly seems like they are Black at all? (EXCEPT THAT FOR THEY ARE!!!!)My guess is that these actresses were auditioned against White women and NOT casted in roles that were written for Black girls (minus Star Trek and Guess Who, both played by a mixed woman who is relatively brownner skinned). Would a darker-skinned Black girl have a crack at being Jim's boo on The Office or playing the wife in the season's big "Bromance".

All these girls are mixed and I've never seen them play roles where they were embodying Black female stereotypes or being exoticized. So I don't have any real criticism for them as actresses for taking these roles**. I DO find it curious that I have only seen Rashida Jones play opposite (and date) White men, but then again, I never saw her father with a Black woman either. I suppose that these girls may be more likely in real life to mate with non-Blacks giving their own backgrounds, so perhaps they make more sense in the role than would a more ethnically obvious Black woman? But if they are the only Black person in the film, I just can't help but to feel like they are kinda sorta...passing. Also, in most of these flicks, the woman is a supporting character. These aren't particularly meaty roles, but the same "pretty girlfriend/wife" types a lot of White actresses get. Not particularly a sign of progress for the race or the gender.

Speaking of, Phylicia Rashad is currently on Broadway as the matriarch in August: Osage County. Rashad plays a drug addicted, racist older woman of an Oaklahoma family grappling with incest, suicide, pedophilia and a host of other serious issues. Phylicia was cast "color-blind", but everyone else is White. It's peculiar to say the least. And while I am sure her stellar acting is enough to make you believe any role she portrays, I am not sure this is a a "win" for Black actresses, so much as it is tokenism and a ploy to lure in audiences. As Sir Fabulous Himself pointed out, why didn't they add a Black or mixed race person to play one of the children? Or cast folks of all races?

I'm not sure how I feel about Hollywood's new found (or perhaps revitalized***) comfort with paring Black women with White men, especially considering how infrequently we see quirky, cute, thoughtful films about Black women and Black men. I don't necessarily see interracial couples on screen as some great sign of progression. As someone very smartly commented on Jez, we needed worry about normalizing interracial couples until we have normalized Black ones. Why? Because that's the partnership that MOST Black people will find themselves in. In fact, with the exception of Japanese-American women, MOST Americans will marry a person of their own race.

Dropping one Black/mixed woman in a film doesn't really do much for me in terms of seeing progress in Hollywood. I don't feel that every film depicting a mixed couple has to involve a long, hackneyed discussion of the interracial dating "issue", but it just seems rather unrealistic that these ladies wouldn't have at least one Black parent, a sibling, a friend...someone else who looked like them who figured prominently in their lives. Or are these the film embodiment of the race-abandoning folks who choose to live in spaces with limited to no interaction with other Black people?

Black men are rarely portrayed in tender, loving relationships in films. Most of our movies are made by Tyler Perry these days, it seems. And you usually have to sift through the shucking and jiving to see anything positive or realistic in his tripe. I know for damn, diddly damn sure I am not rooting for this trend to extend to Black men. Not until we can get some serious dramas and romantic comedies and thrillers starring Black men and women opposite each other. And neither of them can be Beyonce.

It seems that the attitude is that a Black couple in the lead makes a film a "Black film" and thus, uninteresting to the rest of the world beyond Negronia. Which is weird, as there are more Black male superstar/certified box office gold actors than there are women. Are you telling me that had I Love You, Man starred Will Smith opposite Jason Seigel, people wouldn't have been interested? What about the story of a quirky Black couple traveling the country looking for a place to make a home? Too race-y?

The same way I am annoyed that MOST Black lead girls are light and MOST Black male leads are dark and MOST lead actresses of any film are thin and MOST female love interests are somewhat predictable and vanilla and MOST big budget Black films suck, I wouldn't complain if we saw more variety. You won't hear a peep from about seeing interracial couples in films when we start seeing more Black couples as well, and outside of the three-ring circus of Perryland and the non-actors garage that is Mrs. Knowles-Carter.

What are your thoughts?

*Interestingly, comedian Michael Ian Black of Vh1 fame was a writer on the film. I unfollowed him on Twitter yesterday for saying he made a barista uncomfortable by asking "Can a nigga get some Sweet and Low?" Wowzers.

**Someone could argue against that. I know I have a biracial parent who would have NO problem listing his complaints about these actresses choosing some of these roles. But I am not stepping into that arena.

***Halle Berry, Angela Basset, Whoopi Goldberg, Rae Dawn Chong and a number of other Black women have played opposite White men. Chong and Berry both had streaks where they didn't seem to have any Black leading men at all. My father despises both these women.

We Say "No, No, NO"

2009-06-02T10:51:00.007-04:00

Amy Winehouse had this to say regarding her Blaaaaaaaaake incaaaaaarcerated's baby-on-the-way with his rehab (irony!) girlfriend: "I couldn't have given him kids - and anyway I want black kids, not white kids."

Upon reading this, my head exploded. What's wrong with White kids? SHE'S White! Sadly, I have no doubt in my mind that if Amy's battered and broken body can even create a fetus, she won't have a problem finding a willing Black man to help her make those dreams come true. A lot of brothers will stick their magic stick in a rusty can if there's a White pussy attached. Shoot, a lot of of 'em would run up in Paris Hilton, so long as there's a White pussy inside. Tell me I'm lying. Risking gangrene, typhus or what ever nasty heroin user woman's disease Amy has would be nothing to some of your brothers and friends. And she got money? Shoot, she's in the game. Less teeth just equals better head, right?

Amy stay trying to get in to stuff she has no business with. First, a clothing line (!!!!!!) and now motherhood? I am disturbed at the notion of Amy Winehouse bearing/adopting/touching a child of any race.

She is CASE IN POINT as to why I believe there should be some sort of screening process for who gets to be a parent or not, which I will discuss further soon. Imagine, Amy Winehouse: junkie, alcholoic, possible latent racist. The biggest hit of her musical career has been "Rehab", where she publicly declared her refusal to heal herself. My favorite line is "'Cause there's nothing you can teach me/that I can't learn from Mr. Hathaway". Mr Hathaway, of course, being Donnie Hathatway. A brilliant and tortured Soul singer...who threw himself off of a balcony.

I'm not judging Amy for being addicted. I am simply stating facts, this is a woman who has had a very public and long term struggle with her vices and that struggle doesn't seem to be over. Thus, motherhood should be the last thing on her mind. You couldn't be trying to create life until you have learned how to sustain your own. Fiscally, physically, mentally.

But if we are to entertain this Amy-as-mother foolishness for the time being, what in the hell does she mean she "wants Black babies"? Does she want to pull the Madonna/Brangelina move and adopt kids from Africa? I can't co-sign that, as (whether you agree with their adoptions 100% or not)those two families have demonstrated a long-standing commitment to helping devastated peoples from those parts of the world where their kids came from. Is Amy like "I can haz Africa baby too?" Uh, no. Malawi is not trying to give Madonna a second child, where exactly do you think a junkie can show up and get an African baby? Legally?

So, is Amy just interested in having biracial children? Isn't that a little sick and backwards? I thought the interest in having mixed kids came AFTER falling in love with a man of another race. Does Amy just think Black kids are cuter or cooler? Something just ain't right about desiring to have children of another race, because they are of that other race. It's as if she has no concept of the challenges of the biracial child! Or thinks that they are worth enduring just because you WANT a Black child, not because you have a Black partner. I'm so confused, but I know that there is no possible way she can justify that desire. She sounds like those women on Tyra talking about having non-Black baby daddies to ensure their children will be light and "cute".

Whatever her reasons may be, I will speak as a former Black child and tell her "Thank you, but no thanks". Black children have enough problems. Mixed children have enough issues. The last thing any of them need is Amy, her rancid beehive, her bloody ballet slippers, her missing tooth, her CRACK HABIT...do you know how many Black kids already have crackhead mothers? More than enough, Amy, more than enough.

I've never been floored by Amy's music, but her talent is undeniable. The greatest tragedy is that whomever she has around her-be it family, friends, employers or staff-seems unable to help this young woman get the sort of help she needs. Let's just hope she manages to keep Black kids, White kids, any kids out of her womb and hands until she can straighten herself up.

It Has Always Been Around, It Will Always Have A Nitche

2009-06-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

As I tend to be somewhat jaded about bad things that happen in the world...not at all disaffected, just rarely surprised...I didn't initially freak-out when I heard about the murder of abortion provider Dr. George Tiller. I was hurt to hear it, but hardly shocked. This is the kind of shit these devils do (much like the murder of Harlem police officer Omar J. Edwards by one of his colleagues). This land is wrought with people who will do whatever it takes to destroy the lives of women and people of color, both wittingly and subconsciously. Just because we have a Black, pro-female POTUS does not mean the country has moved past that.

However, when I really sat down at thought about it, I shed a few tears. Whether he was passionate about the meaning behind his work or if he simply saw the fiscal value in providing a service that many other doctors wouldn't is irrelevant. Dr. Tiller's work supported the legally protected right of women to decide whether or not they wish to give birth. The terrorist organization Operation Rescue (a member of whom is suspected to be the shooter) long since made the abortion provider a source of their attacks on choice and he was shot in 1993 by anti-choice lunatic Shelly Shannon.

The hypocrisy of radical anti-choice advocates is mind-boggling. If their argument against abortion is that it calls for humans to "play God" and decide when to end a human life, then how is it reasonable to end the life of an abortion doctor? It's enough to make your head explode. I understand the reasons for people being anti-abortion and I think that most women of any school of thought would prefer to go their days without having the procedure. But I find it deeply troubling that someone else would find it their place to decide what a woman can and cannot do with her body. And I find it horrifying that someone who is so passionate about the preservation of human life could take it upon themselves to end someone else's. But I don't find it surprising that these same folks are willing to do little to nothing to prevent the occurrence of rape (an event that would certainly make a woman consider abortion), as the safety of women doesn't seem to register high on their radar.

It shouldn't be so alarming, however, as anti-abortionists tend to be pro-death penalty. It is a matter of a group of people feeling that they should be the gatekeepers of life, that they are the ones who have the moral authority to decide whom shall be free to govern themselves and who doesn't deserve to live. My ire with the tendency of people to use religious texts to decide how the world should work is the assumption that everyone else reads these books the same way or has any interest or belief in them at all. Dr. Tiller read his Bible and worshipped just as his detractors did, but he felt justified in what he did for a living. And someone who saw things differently felt it was their place to end his life.

While Dr. Tiller was a man, his death is another casualty in the long-standing war of The World vs. Women. There are so many people (male and female) who believe (consciously and subconsciously) that women are somehow inherently incapable of being the makers and shapers of their lives. That left to our own devices, women are susceptible to destroying their existence or living without the appropriate level of morality. Jezebel recently discussed the large number of women who express their desire to bear sons and not daughters. I have personally always wanted sons because I wanted to send children out into the world who live in contradiction to what society has typically seen from men. Sons, who like Dr. Tiller, would support the lives of women and grow up understanding the equality of the sexes and the need to work for that equality.

My thoughts are a little disjointed (likely by my anger and exhaustion) and I feel like they are sounding like "Feminism For Dummies". I wish I could do Dr. Tiller more justice with my words, but I'm not finding them so easily as I'd like. Le sigh.

I'll leave you with a song that I posted early in my blogging career. I first heard this as a young girl and didn't quite understand it's weight. When I got to high school, I fully processed the words and was touched by the existence of a pro-choice anthem penned and performed by a man, when so much of the anti-choice movement seems to be an extension of patriarchal notions of masculine control over women's bodies. Hearing a Black man express such feminist ideology (when feminism has long since been labelled by my community as "White women's business" and the heavy influence of Christianity has rendered a lot of Black folks so fanatical about De Bible that they have voted for right-wing loons like George W. Bush in order to prevent THE GAYS from marrying and THE WOMEN from having choice) was also an OMG moment for me.

Digable Planets- "La Femme Fatal" (1993)

RIP Dr. Tiller. I will honor your memory by working to protect the continued ability for women to choose. And for those who oppose abortion, I'd suggest that you take Obama's advice and work to lessen the number of women seeking abortions by working to support pregnancy prevention education and anti-rape efforts.

Five For Friday: Instant Vintage

2009-05-29T11:09:00.002-04:00

Hey, I have a big project to finish. Here's a little fun from last year. Talk to you soon! Oh, and I will be answering questions from readers via video blog next week. So if you are interested, send them to me: sister.toldja@thebeautifulstruggler.com.

Good morning Vietnam! I am still a little bit faded from last night. It's been a hectic week at work, so I've been slow on the updates. Glad to see that the world has continued it's spiral to Hell in my absence. Nooses? Word? Ok, I got you, White people. Let me here about one more noose incident, and I'm gonna kick the shit out of the next dog I see.

Time for a little Toldjebra:

Kicking a dog to White people
=
Stealing Big Momma purse to Black people

So, what is this I hear about Dog the Bounty Hunter? He says "nigger"? He doesn't want his kids dating Black people? STOP THE MF'N PRESSES! A REDNECK MULLET-WEARING BOUNTY HUNTER IS A RACIST? Ay dios mio!!!!! What's next, you gonna tell me Cuba Gooding, Jr. loves White Women and can do a mean soft-shoe? Beyonce's wearing a weave? Donnie McClurkin be smashing dudes from Black Planet?

Come ON People!!!! Shit!

And my mother says they interviewed Dick Gregory on the radio about the matter? Huh? Dick Gregory? Doesn't he have more relevant things to talk about, such as Kelly Rowland's record sales? Or the new Sean John ads? Perhaps the price of tea in China?

Whatever man. I wasn't gonna do this yet....but I think it's time.

*Ahem* Let me just preface this with some words of wisdom from my brother and yours, the King of R&B. I think his message is very fitting today:

Now, I guess I'm gonna have to take control. All on our own. Gotta gotta take control, gotta gotta gotta take control. Now it's up to me, we've got to take it home. All on our own.

Amen. Beautiful as poetry. Anyhoo, I am taking control. What we got going on now isn't working. From now on, when something happens concerning Black people, you call ME first! Not Jesse, not Al, not Dick Gregory. ME. Sister Toldja is the new Empress of Blackness. The new Wizard of Negritude.

If you need an advocate in a race-related issue, call me. Feel discriminated against? Call me. Think the Korean lady at the nail shop be calling you all types of names? Call me. If you are White and need to know how "Black people feel about a certain matter", call me.

*Looking at Jesse Jackson and doing the Donald Trump hand*

You're fired.

Now, I realize you won't always be able to get me. It's possible that you could call whilst ~~I'm out shopping with one of those large corporate kick-back checks they usually give to Jesse Jackson~~ I'm out helping someone else in the community. So I'm thinking we should have some backup resources. Can't get me, then just work your way down the list.

1. Sister Toldja

2. Chris Rock

3. Aaron McGruder, "The Boondocks" creator

4.Huey offa "The Boondocks"

Now, if you get this far on the list and still haven't gotten any help, it's time for desperate measures.
5. Get a Oujia board and ask Dr. King.

If you don't have one handy, try to get a Magic Eight-Ball.Lowkey, I heard that's what Al Sharpton does. Can't you picture it : Dr King, should I run for president again?..."Seems doubtful"? Well, I reckon that's that.

If all else fails, say my name three times, and I'll magically appear at the nearest bar with a bottle of Baileys and a plan for action.

It's revolution time! Too hot to handle, too cold to hold!
Sister Toldja

Terribly Tuesday

2009-05-26T10:51:00.005-04:00

Six days of consecutive drinking/partying/bar hopping/funky weather have me looking every sort of crazy today. My purse is at war with my earrings and my dress and I don't have a justification for wearing red ballet flats, they are just here. Help me, help me. Please.

The other day, I looked at this old picture of myself on Facebook. It's from 2005:

I deleted and untagged many of my worst "Before" photos and seeing this one horrified me. It horrified me to the point where I have to post a picture of me to counteract it:

And I STILL feel the need to point out that this pic is from January, that I've lost a couple of pounds since then and that I am a bit more toned.

Why I didn't just remove the old picture from Facebook when I rediscovered it, I'm not sure. But I commented on there "FAT! OMG!". As FB users know, when someone comments on a picture that you have commented on previously, you receive a notification. So the six friends who wrote nice things on this pic four years ago were informed of my new comment. I then received the following message from a dear friend. It really made me think about some things and I thought it was worth sharing:

Dearest Toldja,

Did you know...
1) that you are gorgeous?
2) that this is not the first time you've been gorgeous?
3) that when you were heavier, you had some of the same assets you have now: killer legs, the kinda cleavage that babies and bald men dream about, a beautiful face?
4) that when you have all the babies you want to have, you may get bigger again for a short while, but it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing?
5) that you have larger friends and readers who may be struggling to like their bodies?

I know...
1) that you feel more positive about your body now and that your fitness concerns were also about health, not just size
2) that I have no more right to tell you how to feel about your weight than you have to tell me how to feel about being my body issues
3) that you are responsible to your feelings first and friends' second, and I respect that about you.
4) that your weight loss over the years is a great achievement; it wasn't easy and it is a really positive, proactive response to your growing awareness of health.
6) that you can fit more clothes, but you've always had great style and dressed sexy.
I hope...
1) that this doesn't sound pretentious.
2) that you know this comes out of love- for now Toldja, then Toldja, and one day Toldja, and Toldja's daughters, readers and friends.
3) you keep reaching your fitness goals.
4) that other people are telling you this, especially people that are sensitive to the human spirit
5) that you don't hate me now.

Love you much!!!

I have been worrying for a while that I was becoming a "fat shamer" and completely obsessed with weight (mine most especially). My weight has been the single most defining challenge and issue of my life to date. I have always been obsessed with it, but it is only recently that I took any positive steps to changing it with any success.

To answer my friend's first questions...I think I am an attractive woman. Actually, I know that I am. Is gorgeous the word I would use for myself? Not really. I have my ego tripping days, but there are days when I look at myself and I feel like I look like a man. I also think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So what I think about how I look matters a hell of a lot to me, but not so much to anyone else. Now, how I project my feelings about my looks me affect how other folks see me, but that's a long conversation in another direction.

I have never wanted to make anyone who reads this blog or calls me a friend/sister/comrade feel bad about their weight in talking about my personal struggle. This is simply who I am at this point in my life. I hate how I looked in the past and I will never deny that. In fact, the only way I would conceivably go back and say 237 pound Toldja wasn't so bad after all is if I was to become 337 pound Toldja or somehow become disabled (God forbid and God forbid). But even though my words appear on an internet site that I maintain, my feelings about my body are not to be interpreted as social commentary.

...except that they are, aren't they? Well, when I talk about being fat then or feeling fat now, I am not intending to cast judgement on anyone but Sister Toldja. As I said, this has been the fight of my life. For most of my days, I have hated the way that I look. It is only in this past year that I have started truly feeling good about my body and I am still not 100% there yet, in terms of self-acceptance. And who's to say I ever will be? I am still an American woman, still subject to the beauty and fashion industry's decision to declare 99% of the female population less than beautiful.

I admire body positive women like Mo'Nique and Beth Ditto, even though it is hard for me to sometimes see past the potential health risks associated with their sizes. I admire any woman who feels good about who she is in spite of any messages she receives to the contrary. And I especially admire women who have recognized things they didn't like about themselves and took a positive, healthy approach to improving them. I hope that despite my obvious flaws that I can serve as such a role model to other women. I do know that some of the women in my life have been making amazing strides to do as I have and take control over their weight and I know that is the case for some of the readers of this blog as well.

The battle is not won for me yet. I'm still chasing these last few pounds and dress sizes off of me. But I want you, dear friend and dear readers, to know that I DO recognize how far I have come and that I AM very proud of myself. After years of crash diets, pills, binging and purging, binging and NOT purging and just ignoring my health all together, I can say that eat well and exercise damn near every day of the week. That's whats up! That's dope! I'm the bess, I deeeed it. But I still have a gut, a flat ass and breasts that get on my last nerve. I still obsess over other women's bodies and bemoan my inadequacies-perceived or real.

Like most folks, I don't judge other women's bodies by the same standards I have for my own. I can name a number of women who are much larger than I (or very slender without curves) who I find to be enviably gorgeous. But when it comes to myself, there are some very specific physical ideals that I am going to push myself to reach. And I don't think it's a bad thing, per say. I don't hate how I look and I don't feel bad about myself most days. I realize that there is work to be done and I will continue to do it. And I'll love myself in the meantime.

I did remove my comment from that picture and I will try my best to refrain from doing things that will make other folks feel bad or insecure about themselves. However, I don't think I'll soon be able to look at all the pictures of myself from "before" and feel anything other than repugnance. I'll maintain that extra weight doesn't look good on me like it does on some women and I won't be able to look past all of the painful memories that were shaped by my appearance. I won't soon forget being too fat to find many dates in high school and college (whether it was the weight itself, the resulting lack of self-confidence from the issues with the weight or a combination of all the both that made me undesirable). And this is why I will remain vigilant to keep losing weight, especially given that I have not had a child yet and will of course have to gain weight during pregnancy.

Fat shaming has worked for me. Shaming my own fat, not anyone else's, that is. By being horrified at my past weight, I've been able to get further and further away from it. If I accept old Fat Toldja, I feel like I am leaving the door open for her to come back. By putting my efforts in a public space, I have created an important sense of accountability. I hope that it has not been at the expense of others. I'm not a Christian, but there is a phrase I've heard that resounds with me: "We all fall short of the glory". And I hope that my falling short hasn't caused anyone any undue pain.

Best,
Sister Toldja

Five For FREEday

2009-05-22T11:17:00.004-04:00

We made it! Three day weekend for that arse, whooooooohoooo! I def started the drinking and staying out on Wednesday night, but whatever. Shout out to all TWO of my beloved readers who introduced themselves to me at Taj on Wednesday: Landis and Nomad33. I don't know what happened to the other folks who RSVP'd, but there was a lot of people there and a good time was had by all. And most importantly, by me.

Sir Fabulous and I hung out with Jezebel's Megan last night....she's the homie! Good times in NYC. Not sure about what's going down tonight, but there will be something on deck. Trust me.

Today's Five For Friday involves a little self-reflection. Most of you know that I will be (allegedly) turning 25 this summer. I have taken a look at my life as it stands so close to that milestone birthday and I am not so sure I am ready for that step. So, I present to you five reasons why I may tell people I am 24 for yet another year. Judge not, as we all fall short of the glory.

1) If someone posed the "Theme From Mahogany" as a question, my answer would be a resounding "hell no".

I get cool points for knowing the song though.

2) I don't have any work clothes.

I have allowed the fact that I don't have a big butt be my pass to wear deadly short skirts ever since I was in middle school. However, I think I have crossed that line a few times lately at work, due moreso to necessity. I really no not have any work clothes. I don't have many warm weather clothes period, but my work sitchy is even sadder. I have on a dashiki today, and it's not even a work dashiki, it's the dashiki I had on last week at Habana Outpost.

For some of my folks out there looking for community service opportunities, I am going to have a clothing drive....for myself. If anyone wants to donate some nice size 10-12 work clothes (no pants, thanks) to the cause, hit me up! You can also drop a couple bucks in the old "Donate" jar on the right side of this page. I have been publicly chumped twice this week for my choice of workFAIL attire. Only you can save Sister Toldja.

3) I still just want to do hoodrat things with my friends, shit.

People are having kids, getting engaged, buying homes. I'm like...what? You can still smell the box wine on my clothes, it can't be that time yet! And it looks like even Latarian has a better prospective on what he needs to do next than I do:

4) 25 sounds like a deadline.

My mother mentioned grandkids for the first time a few weeks ago *Eli Pause*. I remember in high school how 25 was this magic number that all my girls associated with "meeting the one", getting engaged and being a real adult. I feel like an upstanding and contributing member of my community, despite....well, you know. But just don't feel like I have done the things that I should have done by 25.

5) I don't want to be in the club with this guy:

It's not that I want to party with young folks like that, I just don't want to be in the club with men who look like Uncle Charlie Wilson. And "25 and up" brings forward the image of 55 year old men looking for tenderonis.

So, perhaps I'm just not ready for my quarter century. That shouldn't stop you all from giving me presents, but don't play me in the street if you hear me tell someone I'm 24. Or 23. Whatever.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend and don't do anything I wouldn't. So essentially, aside from eating pork...possibilities are endless. Go hard!

Besos,
Sister Toldja

Golden Time Of Day

2009-05-20T10:46:00.002-04:00

Last time you'll hear me say it....tonight is THE night. Happy hour. Do that, do that.

Ok, so I live in NY. That means I spend an ungodly amount of time on public transportation. Idle time is the devil's playground, so I try to use that time wisely: reading, listening to 90's music on my iPod and plotting on how I can get @HeavyD to follow me on Twitter and having serious internal debates about this thing called life. I've decided to share a few of my recent thoughts with you. Take a peek in to my dark and light recesses.

1) Why was that fine ass man in the "Say Yes" video doing the puppets?
Since Universal Music Group is some haters, click here to see what I mean. This is why the gods and the ancestors decided I should not have a good singing voice. Cause I would be all like "Ok, I was thinking, let's just skip the whole puppet/train station thing and have the scene be in front of my house. And we are walking in, and then we are going to bed, so he's giving me a massage. Actually, do you guys have to be there, or can you just leave the camera?"

At least he was good looking! I have seen some sisters have some real....interesting looking fellas as their leading video mens. Not naming names, as we are all beautiful in God's eyes. But, um...if it's my video, I'm going out like Elzabeth Withers. Except I would end the video with a wedding scene with me and him. And get a real preacher and yell out "NO TAKEBACKS" after the director says "Cut". Mwahahahahaha.

2) I went to some pretty great schools, so why do I form sentences like "Why was that fine man doing the puppets" in my internal monologue?

3) Sir Fab, Sister Head Mistress and I were in a bar the other night. Drunnnnk. So I say "Let's sing songs!" And we do. And the first one was Anita Baker's "Sweet Love". So Sir Fab keeps sending me emails that say "Let's sing songs." And I thought about that on the C last night, started laughing and had to put my head down to keep people from thinking I am crazy.

4) I think my dress makes me look fat today and what if people come to the HAPPY HOUR and think I am fat? OMG, maybe I am fat and because I used to be more fat, people just tell me I am not. And when did I become such a fat shamer? And I know my soul is fat, because I almost cried yesterday because I miss desserts so much and I am getting a little tired of protien bars. And all these veggies are making me bloated, there is a Beano shortage in Brooklyn and what is the point of eating healthy if I look pregnant?>

5) Why are people more concerned with the realease of Mike Vick than the continiues imprisonment of Mumia Abu Jamal?

6) Titty sweat season is coming. DAMN.

7) What would be an approriate venue for rolling around and performing "Darling Nicki?"

8) What if no one comes to this event tonight? I will feel like a loser. ARE YOU COMING TONIGHT, NYC?

Happy Hour/Meet and Greet
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
6:00pm - 9:00pm
Taj Lounge
48 W 21st St, New York, NY
To RSVP, drop me a line: sistertoldja@thebeautifulstruggler.com

I have on a green sweater and I have frizzy hair and I am tall. Please say hello!
9) Was Maze ever NOT "featuring Frankie Beverly"? Was Frankie Beverly ever without Maze?

10) Has there ever been an Essence Music Festival without them?

Farewell, good people! NYC, I hope to see you tonight. Fellow Jezebel starred commentors, I will meet y'all tommorrow!

See you soon!
Sister Toldja

Happy Hour, Happy, Happy, Happy Hour!

2009-05-19T13:27:00.002-04:00

NYC massive! Happy Hour goes down TOMMORROW at Taj, sponsored by The Movemakers and Harlem U. We got together and decided this would also be a great opportunity for a little Beautiful Struggler meet and greet! No cover, free cocktails (haaaay), free hors d'oeuvres, good music and a chance to chop it up with your favorite blogger's favorite blogger...what else do you need? Verizon is also going to be in the building and one lucky partygoer will leave with a FREE Blackberry Storm. It really doesn't get too much better than that!

You should be here!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
6:00pm - 9:00pm
Taj Lounge
48 W 21st St, New York, NY
To RSVP, drop me a line: sistertoldja@thebeautifulstruggler.com

We are discussing the possibility of having Beautiful Struggler events in the near future, please let me know if that's something you guys would be down for! We can definitely make that happen in NYC and DC! We need your support and I'd love to meet all of yous!

Yes, that bears repeating! Also, if any of you guys are starred commenters on Jezebel or any of the Gawker Media sites and are attending the rooftop shindig...I'ma be there too. Might even have a special guest with me.

Weekend Love

2009-05-18T13:10:00.003-04:00

REMINDER: Come drank with me this week!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
6:00pm - 9:00pm
Taj Lounge
48 W 21st St, New York, NY
To RSVP, drop me a line: sistertoldja@thebeautifulstruggler.com

It's spring and I got the fever. Fever in the morning, fever in the evening, fever at suppertime. I'm in heat, I quit my birth control (you don't have to have it when you ALWAYS USE CONDOMS....MESSAGE*) so my lady hormones are out of wack yet again, I think I have restless leg syndrome again, people on the bus is wearing too much cologne and not enough deodorant. Speaking of buses, I miss the B(route number redacted) every day and when it does come, it's Gilligans Island status: "a 3 hour tour, a 3 hour tourrrrr" just to get across Bed Stuy to Fort Greene. And yes, I DID already tell that joke on Twitter. The spring fever is making me delirious!

I'm ready for sundresses and dashikis and mojitos and jumping headfirst in a watermelon and eating that summmabitch from the wine to the rind. I want free concerts and new boys and outdoor dining and sunshine and the beach (for the first time in 12 years!). And I want sangria. It's really all about the booze for me, ain't it?

Why was there a child out at a popular Brooklyn outdoor restaurant and bar on Friday night? Sitting by himself wearing an iPod at 11pm? I kept smiling at him and waving, and he refused to respond. Given that I was a few drinks in, I blurt out "WHY WON'T YOU SMILE BACK AT ME?" I was mad! Kids love me! Sister Toldja is for the children, dammit. I won't drag out the story, but he ended up holding up a clinched fist at us, running off in near tears and telling Sir Fabulous that he wanted to punch us all for calling him stupid (which we didn't). Oh, and he said that he didn't speak good English, he spoke "Trinidad and Tobago" and that's why he didn't respond to me verbally.

Speaking of the children....Lord....so the next day, SFH and I went to the mall. He had a mysterious hip ailment and decided to use one of the store's wheelchairs. Do not judge us, we all fall short of the glory. The store security guard was bored and hyped SFH up to do it. We learned that these contraptions are hard to use when he crashed in to an endcap. Sir Fab felt guilty and wanted to bring the chair back. I felt that would have been worse for people to see him hop up and walk away, so he should have committed to the role and stayed in. These two Biv 10 Pee Wee All-Stars rejects come up and start bombarding him with accusations:
Heathen Child 1: Excuse me, are you really....you know?
Sir Fabulous: Really injured or handicapped?
Heathen Child 1: Yeah, that.
Sir Fab: I hurt myself.
Heathen Child 2: YOU LYING!
SFH: Excuse me?
HC1: You don't need that chair, you using it for fun.
SFH: Where are your owners?
HC2: Ok, prove it. Stand up!
Sister Toldja: But...that's the whole point, he can't stand up.
HC2: YOU ARE USING THAT CHAIR FOR FUN AND I'M FINNA GO GET ONE AND DO THE SAME THING!
Maybe we are not for the children after all. As a matter of fact, as soon as we walked/rolled away, a little boy fell off the side of his mom's cart and I literally had to run to the bathroom so as not to pee on myself with laughter.

I made a cameo at the infamous DJ Spinna/Bobbito Garcia "Wonderful" party. We straight walked in there with no tickets. It was the largest party ever in life, ever. Saw the homie Sister (Ouch, I don't remember your moniker because you don't make time for me, Miss Honay!), which was great. And I have to give a shout out to the reader who I met there. I believe her name is Heather...hey girl! If any of you all ever think you see me in the street, please say hello! It makes my day!

This weekend, Holly Go Hard made her fateful return. For those of you who are newer to the blog, HGH (tee hee) was my party girl alter-ego. Sadly, it seemed like she died when I moved to New York City. Irony.com/whatthehell. I was telling a friend last night that I will deeply regret living in NY in my 20's and not partying my arse off. So now I shall. I partied from Thursday night to Sunday night. Holly's back.

But, is NY ready?
Chicago Toldja

*-Nothing wrong with two levels of protection! I just can't deal with the getting fat and hormonal changes part anymore.

Chall-an-ge!

2009-05-13T10:31:00.000-04:00

I did one of those goofy Facebook quizzes where I named "Five People I Would Like To Punch In The Face". My dear friend, who I will call Doctor Sister (she's finna have a pHd!)asked me to name one hundred people I would like to punch in a blog post or detail what exactly I would like to do them. Never one to back down from a challenge... here goes!

In no particular order:

1. Michael Steele (drop squad)
2. Rush Limbaugh (buried alive in a deep grave)
3. Puff Daddy (drop squad)
4. Plies (dragged out to the woods and shot)
5. Gucci Mane (see above)
6. Superhead (an hour in a locked room with Method Man's wife)
7. Soulja Boy (start over at first grade at an African-centered school)
8. Carrie Prejean (shaved bald and forced to intern at Planned Parenthood)
9. Monique (forced at gunpoint to shave her legs and stop cooning)
10. Nas (make him take Afro-Am and women's studies classes)
11. George Bush (dropped off in Iraq with no security detail)
12. Dick Cheney (waterboarded for two straight days)
13. Ann Coulter (women's prison, followed by welfare)
14. Beyonce (kicked out of SAG and prohibited by law not to act, nor speak publicly)
15. Jay-Z (electric shock every time he likens himself to someone actually important)
16. David Patterson (ability to SEE what the fuck he is doing to our state; dog bite)
17. Cassie (sent back to her parents; a father figure who doesn't bone her)
19. Rick Ross (stranded on an island with real thugs)
20. 50 Cent (stranded on an island with real thugs)
21. Asher Roth (stranded on an island with real emcees)
22.Eminem (an hour tied to a chair at the mercy of Nick Cannon)
23. Barbara Walters (her husband to come forward and detail a steamy affair)
24. Chris Brown (ass-whooping, followed by intense therapy)
25. Rihanna (intense therapy)
26. Tyler Perry (drop squad; inability to write until he loses his coonin' spirit)
27. Donnie McClurkin (a swift kick out of the closet)
29. Mike Bloomberg (forced to move to New Jersey and DQ'd from the mayoral race)
30. Lil Wayne (rehab and two weeks on the streets with real thugs)
31. T-Pain (vocal cord removal)
32. Taye Diggs (get even shorter, so we can't even see him)
33. Lindsey Lohan (forced to attend high school)
34. Fergie (exiled to Mars)
35. Will.I.Am (Black women's studies classes; rapping lessons)
36. Justin Timberlake (no more contact with Black female pop singers)
37. Bob Johnson (death by stoning)
38. Nelly (credit card swiped down his arse by a man)
39. Mike Vick (a job coaching youth sports for a modest salary)
40. Craigslist Killer (sliced from feet to head)
41. Drew Peterson (locked in a room with the armed families of his victims)
42. DL Hugley (forced to clean the Rutgers women's locker room with his toothbrush)
43. Don Imus (fired for good)
44. Lil' Kim (a therapist, a big hug and reconstructive surgery)
45. Barack Obama (a HUGE hug, a dap [it was never called a fist bump]...and a reminder to dance with those who brought him to the party)

Ok, so perhaps I don't have as many people in mind as I thought. But I tried.

Who did I miss? Who would you eff up or fix up?
Sister Toldja

PS- Don't forget, it goes DOWN next Wednesday!

Movemakers Happy Hour/Beautiful Struggler Meet and Greet
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
6:00pm - 9:00pm
Taj Lounge
48 W 21st St, New York, NY
To RSVP, drop me a line: sistertoldja@thebeautifulstruggler.com