The Crazies

• Proving once again that Jennifer Love Hewitt is crazy, she test drove her new boyfriend for a week to make sure they were compatible.
• Janine Lindemulder was the hot nurse on Blink 182′s 1999 album Enema of the State. She went on to marry Jesse James, then divorced him and now looks like a really sad, crazy grandma.

Disturbingly Good News

• No word on this disturbing trend of monokinis but one thing is for sure, they should all be burned.
• As not sexually attractive Michelle Rodriguez is, she looks utterly fantastic in a bikini.
• Oh, hey. Just Nadia Vieira in her underwear for Maxim.
• Good news. Supermodels are against AIDS. So if you were on the fence about dating one, this may convince you.

Movies & the World

• Daniel Radcliffe would really love it if you cast him as a superhero.
• If you thought Heath Ledger was great as The Joker in Batman, then this supercut is for you.
• Obama was a pothead.

David Cronenberg wanted to see the bottom of Robert Pattinson’s balls during the filming of Cosmopolis but Rob didn’t feel comfortable with it and told Cronenberg he wouldn’t do it. What a tease, amirite?

“Five minutes before we filmed, David told me, ‘I want to see the bottom of your balls on the top of the frame,’” the British star recounted to the paper about a certain sex scene. “At the moment, I reminded myself that I would do anything for him. I went back to see him and told him that wouldn’t happen. He took it really well. At the start, it’s a very bizarre scene that you won’t see again in another movie, I promise.” Us

Well, at least Cronenberg didn’t get all pathetic about it. “Just the bottom. How about a little taint? Please? Puhhh-lease?!” I couldn’t say the same for myself if this was me trying to convince Megan Fox to go full frontal for my movie. Have you ever seen a grown man beg and cry? It ain’t pretty.

Lindsay Lohan was in search for the perfect actor to play Richard Burton opposite her Elizabeth Taylor. She wanted an A-lister and to fly to London to find her Dick. Everyone knew that wasn’t going to happen so the studio patted her on the head and picked one for her instead. They ended up choosing Australian actor Grant Bowler (True Blood). The deal was sealed after he read with Lohan at the network. “The chemistry erupted in the room, said executive producer Larry A. Thompson.

The casting comes only 10 days before Liz & Dick is scheduled to begin filming — on June 4 — after the movie’s executive producer Larry A. Thompson and Lifetime had auditioned “many actors on just about any continent,” Thompson said. He noted that the hope was to try and find an actor who, like Burton, is Welsh, but New Zealander Bowler wowed them with his tape. “Grant will add gravitas to our couple and bring to life one of the greatest actors who has ever lived,” Thompson said. “Burton was a Welsh poet, a rascal, and a man’s man, who swept Elizabeth Taylor off her feet and flew her so close to the sun that they both exploded into stardust that still lights up Hollywood.”

Wow. That description of Liz and Dick’s relationship started off really manly then got really gay at the end. Not unlike every one of John Travolta’s massages.

Meg Ryan was walking around in New York the other day carrying a couple bags and oh dear god, what the hell is that?? Is that her arm? It looks like she’s been working out with Madonna and taking HGH with Sylvester Stallone. An erotic novel would describe her touch as a warm caress not unlike that of an Alaskan steel miner.

Here’s some surprising news for you. Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson finally met a pole she couldn’t handle. A light pole. That she crashed into. Because she was drunk.

At around 1:30 am this morning, cops arrived on scene to find Jenna crashed into a light pole. After failing a field sobriety test, cops booked her on misdemeanor suspicion of DUI. Law enforcement officials say she suffered minor injuries but refused medical treatment. She’s since been released from custody.

Good thing the cops didn’t give her a breathalyzer or she’d have got away. I hear she’s an expert at blowing.

A lady in the sense that she’s wearing underwear. Nicole Kidman had a little trouble keeping her panties out of sight while getting out of a car for a photocall in Cannes. This coupled with the premiere of that movie where she pees on Zac Efron could make this her best year yet!

Everyone has a movie to screen these days. You could throw a rock in LA and it’d hit someone with a film they want financed. So it’s no surprise Kanye West screened a 26-minute movie titled Cruel Summer in Cannes. What is surprising that it took this long and isn’t self-indulgent as you’d expect it to be.

The movie stars Kid Cudi, Pusha-T and a Kim Kardashian look-a-like named Sarah A. whose real name can’t be revealed because women aren’t supposed to act in Qatar where the movie was shot. The film was financed by the Doha Film Institute where Sarah A. used to intern and who probably threw a wad of cash at Kanye and shouted, “Make us your most fantabulous movie!”

Then came the ominous hum of violins. On the screen above us, two black-clad thieves (Cudi and Pusha-T) began climbing down an air shaft ladder into a parking garage. As they continued down the ladder, the image switched to the screen right in front of us, then expanded to all three front screens as they bantered about Prince versus Michael Jackson while casing out the garage. Suddenly, they were in Lamborghinis and screaming down the streets of Qatar with cops in hot pursuit as the music swelled. The seat-rattling bass thumps were more powerful than anything Michael Bay could have produced. Kim and Kanye held hands. He danced furiously in his seat; she sat still and attentive. The music, I’m told, is all new and will be the foundation for an album called Cruel Summer that Kanye will drop later this year, featuring his boys like Big Sean, Pusha, and Cudi.

No budget information was available, but if there’s any doubt about how much dough went into this, think about what it would take to shut down the streets of Qatar to shoot twenty or so speeding Lamborghinis for a one-minute sequence. Then multiply that by 26. Vutlure

Vulture sums up the plot thusly:

• Cudi’s gang of car thieves is called the Lamborghini Dons (not mentioned in the movie, but Cudi told me this later). He formed it to honor his father, who was a car thief, too.
• She lives in a palace filled with taut golden strings. Her mother set them up so she could run and play while holding onto them, even though she’s blind.
• Those strings all lead to a single Game of Thrones–like throne, where she sits, surrounded by barriers as if in a prison.
• Cudi finds her there but is immediately tackled by guards and winds up in a prison with … Aziz Ansari.
• Somehow Cudi winds up in the desert, beaten and abandoned by guards.
• He wraps himself in a magic scarf and becomes a cocoonlike statue standing against the sandstorms for a good third of the movie. “It kind of mummified me,” Cudi told us of the scarf.
• To make the princess “see,” Cudi plucks the strings to make music. Each note brings up a bright light, kind of like the end sequence in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

PEOPLE reports the movie ended with a standing ovation for Kanye. Which sounds really dangerous. An ego that inflated could be a real fire hazard.

Vulture also has a mini interview with Jay-Z about what he thought of the short film and includes an enchanting description of an awkwardly long back rub given by Hova.

During the first day of filming X Factor, a contestant butchered Britney Spears’ Hold It Against Me. Reports say it was so terrible it made Britney walk off stage. She eventually made her way back but the next four contestants auditioned in front of three judges and an empty seat.

For her part, Britney said she had left, but not because she was angry. She tweeted, ”‘#Britneywalksoff??? LOL was just taking a little break people. I am having the BEST time!!!”

After seeing how much traction this report is getting, producers tented their fingers and muttered, “Yes, yes, eggcellent. The plan is all coming together.” Hopefully they don’t go one step further and ask another contestant to threaten to cut themselves when the judges tell them how terrible their singing is.

• Chef serves up own genitals at banquet [The Frisky]
• Ban anonymous comments? [LimeLife]
• Tracy Morgan is Khloe Kardashian’s father [IDLYITW]
• Sophie Vlaming’s boobs for fashion (Site NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]
• Janet Jackson opens up about weight [INO]
• Piranha 3DD sacrifices penises [SOW]
• Tom Hiddelston is a huge dork [Lainey]
• AI needs to move past white guys with guitars [HuffPo]

Britney Spears started filming for the next season of The X Factor today in Austin, Texas. While that’s all well and good, reports are more focused on her ridiculous rider. Her alleged demands include:

• 34 Herve Leger dress
• 12 Snickers bars
• Six cases of Diet Coke to be replenished each week
• 10 bags of Doritos
• 12 vases of magnolia blossom
• 10 pieces of chicken
• 4 pints of potato salad
• A beauty team including a personal manicurist, facialist and massage therapist

Her spokesperson, however, denies the rumor saying she never made any demands. “The story is totally untrue,” they say. I tend to believe the spokesperson. 10 pieces of chicken and 4 pints of potato salad? C’mon. Britney can eat way more than that.

If you noticed that Kelly Clarkson is, let’s say, less fat now, it’s because she is. She says her boyfriend has inspired her to lose weight.

“I would love to say that it had something to do with my work, but it doesn’t,” Clarkson, 30, whose new singing competition Duets premieres Thursday, told reporters during a conference call. “I have a boyfriend, and if I’m being completely honest, no one likes to be not toned when you are dating someone.”

This is very true though I can’t help but feel Kelly is being a little disingenuous when she says she could have stopped being a fatty whenever she wanted.

“I tone whenever I want, and I chose to now because my boyfriend and I are both really into it,” she says. “But we don’t work out together.”

“We did that once and I didn’t like huffing and puffing,” she continues. “I didn’t like looking all red and gross, so I don’t do that.”

So is she saying she chose to be a fatty by choice? Because increasing your risk of heart disease and not being able to walk a mile without wheezing seems like really odd things to want to have.

“Siri, poop! Hehehe.”

Say What?

• 29-year-old US Olympic hurdler Lola Jones admits to being a virgin. She wants to wait until marriage to lose it. She’s also kind of funny.
• You fool! You’ve been eating sushi wrong this whole time.
• Bar Refaeli says no one hits on her. Granted, I’d imagine it be hard to do when she’s surrounded by bodyguards 24/7.
• It’s confirmed. Men like sleepy, dumb drunk women. They needed a study for this?
• I have no idea why anyone would get a Pete Rose tattoo like this.
• Miley Cyrus’ tattoos have deep meanings or whatever.

Film & Music

• Justin Timberlake last released an album 6 years ago. He’s finally releasing a new one. Sort of. He’ll be scoring Bill Purple’s The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea which already sounds boooring.
• Not sure what Fantasia was wearing during American Idol but it didn’t look flattering.
• The cast of Snow White and the Huntsmen read erotica. Namely, Fifty Shades of Grey. Charlize Theron is hot.
• Milla Jovovich waited 20 years to release her newest single.
• Oh, no, Kristen Stewart jacks off two guys in her new movie and parents are all like, “Bellllaaa, how will I explain this to my kids who for some reason I took to this movie.”
• Gary Oldman has signed up for the Robocop remake.

That’s Cool, I Guess

• Diddy got punked on Twitter.
• Whereas it was a controversial topic before, it’s now cool to support gay marriag. Colin Powell just jumped on the bandwagon.
• Chloe Sevigny recently complained about having to wear a fake penis. And here she is wearing it. NSFW, obviously.

“Give me your finest sheep placenta!,” Victoria Beckham shouts whenever she goes to see her specialist.

A report by The Sun claims Victoria pays up to $500 for a 90-minute facial which involves “shining a red LED light on the face to open the pores, before an afterbirth gel sprinkled with gold flakes is spread on.”

In English, this means they put placenta on her face. Not just any normal placenta, mind you. What is she, a freak? No, her Beverly Hills specialist uses only the placenta from New Zealand sheep. The finest sheep placenta in the world because those sheep have been “untouched by the modern world.” I don’t know about you, but I take that to mean the farmers don’t rape them when they’re bored.

“They have no impurities in their system. The stem cells we harvest are amniotic cells, which means no harm is caused to the animals,” says specialist Dr. Harold Lancer. ”The stem cells are preserved because they are full of rich nutrients that fight free-radical damage to the skin and make it more radiant.”

In other words, celebrities are idiots and will believe anyone that uses big sciency words. “Free-radicals, you say?!” *Opens checkbook* I bet these sheep don’t even come from New Zealand. They probably come from Bakersfield. And I won’t be convinced otherwise until I see a birth certificate.