The Blemish

Lady GaGa has a video and time wasters

The Blemish — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:33:53 +0000

Alessandra Ambrosio and Ana Beatriz Barros in bikinis. [The Superficial]
Audrina shows off her money maker. [Drunken Stepfather]
Nicole Richie introduces her new baby. [PopSugar]
Fergie loves her big penises. [Bossip]
OMG! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were holding hands. [ASL]
Eddie Murphy looks extremely camp. [Holy Moly]
Don’t ask The Jonas Brothers about their sex life. [LitelySalted]
Kate Moss is a backdoor fur wearer. [Hollywood Rag]
Rihanna at the Woman of the Year Awards. [Yeeeah]
Robert Pattinson is disgusting. [CNW]
Movie myths about sex. [College Candy]
Nicolas Cage was stalked by a mime. [Celebitchy]
Mariah Carey is busting out of her dress. [Hollywood Tuna]
Marisa Miller takes out the competition. [Popoholic]
Joe Jackson can’t bleed Michael dry anymore. [Dlisted]

Shanna Moakler speaks the truth

Jessica Cook — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:15:11 +0000

Travis Barker’s ex, Shanna Moakler, went on The Wendy Williams Show to discuss her new makeup line and her return as co-executive director of the Miss California pageant. As with any discussion on massive amounts of makeup on competitive women with fake tits, the conversation lead to a Kardashian. Shanna called Khloe Kardashian a “donkey”. In response, Khloe twittered the following,

“Who is shana moakler??? I have no idea who this girl is but I guess she is talking about me. Talk on honey…I can care less LOL.”

I’m not one to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert on passive aggressiveness. After all, I am a woman. In Khloe’s case, expressing she “can care less” on a public forum actually means she was so upset that Lamar should’ve considered tripling her servings for today’s feeding time. Lucky for Khloe, Shanna apologized before she had to go to that extreme.

“@KhloeKardashian, you are right. We don’t know each other personally and I apologize for my comment this morning.”

Who am I kidding? Khloe doesn’t have scheduled eating times because she’s never taken a break from stuffing her large, donkey face.

Levi Johnston wants custody

Jessica Cook — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:00:27 +0000

Levi Johnston is suing for custody of his son, Tripp, and claims his biggest obstacle is Sarah Palin. He somehow neglects to recognize his poor choice in a baby’s mom or his naked poses for Playgirl as obstacles. According to People, Johnston believes Palin’s powerful influence on his ex, Bristol, is preventing him from helping to raise his son. Still, he doesn’t find Palin the least bit intimidating.

“She has a big impact on what Bristol does and thinks. Bristol looks up to Sarah. I don’t know why they just don’t want me in his life.”

“She ain’t nothing. Just because she ran for vice president and was the governor of Alaska, doesn’t intimidate me. Sarah has no legal thing on Tripp, she’s just the grandmother.”

While I agree Sarah Palin is nothing, I’m perturbed by his casual use of Palin’s first name. I had no idea they were on a first name basis. This further proves that kids today are so disrespectful. Your accomplishments don’t scare them and they don’t even appreciate the fame you’ve given them. The least Levi could do is send Palin a laminated printout of his Playgirl spread with his autograph on his photoshopped penis. Trust me, Levi, “Sarah” and the judge presiding over your custody case will love it. And if you could send a courtesy copy to me at The Blemish, that would be most agreeable.

Audrina laughs at Kristin

Jessica Cook — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:45:03 +0000

Audrina Patridge finds the humor in Kristin Cavallari dating another one of her ex-boyfriends. Kristin went from dating one of Audrina’s leftovers, Justin Bobby, to another, Tal Cooperman. A source revealed the following the Us Weekly,

“Audrina thinks it’s laughable. Tal and Kristin have gone out a few times now, but it’s nothing serious. Tal and Audina never officially dated and are still friends.”

I’d find it laughable too if some whore was always second choice next to me. Also, I’d find it funny if she were repeatedly exposing herself to the veneral disease I left behind on all of my ex-boyfriends’ penises. I’m overly possessive that way.

Amy Winehouse wants a bigger ass

Jessica Cook — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:30:18 +0000

Amy Winehouse is considering undergoing another round of plastic surgery. This time, Amy wants ass implants. Why not. The Sun reports,

“Amy loves her boobs. She can’t stop touching them and showing them off to friends. She says she feels womanly again and wants to be more curvy like she used to be. She thinks by having another op and bum implants that she will achieve her dream pin-up look.”

I would suggest Amy simply feed her frail frame to restore it to its original, semi-curvy, semi-attractive form, but it’s much more fun to watch her destroy herself. It’s also fun to see her show off her plastic surgery by wearing the clothes she owned before her enhancements. Sure, it burns your retinas at first. But after the searing pain subsides, there’s fuckery for all to enjoy.

Jessica Alba does not feel the sexy

Captain Swarthy — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:15:20 +0000

Ironic that everyone in the world finds Jessica Alba to be muy caliente. Everyone but Jessica. She tells E! that,

“I never feel sexy..I’m always wondering when my next break is…I want to call home and talk to my hubby or talk to my friends or check on my daughter. I’m never thinking I’m sexy.”

Oh Jessica, let me help you rediscover your sexy. You want the sexy? I can give you the sexy. It’s what I call me willie. Zoink!

Seriously, though, if nine months later a ten pound butterball squirts out, you’re not looking to try on miniskirts the next day. If I saw some creature appear out the top of my willie, I’d freak out and cry for my mama. Then, I’d wonder when this acid trip would end. Eventually, we’d end up talking about philosophy and the meaning of life. Point being, acid makes childbirth bearable.

Fergie loves ‘em big

Captain Swarthy — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:00:21 +0000

This *points upward* wants us to know about her sex life. Get out the doggie bags, it’s gonna be a rough ride. The Advocate interviewed Fergie and they pretended to be interested in her art and music, before hitting her with the gay questions. Because they’re a gay magazine. By gay, I mean gay gay. To which, we get:

I think women are beautiful, I’ve had a lot of fun with women, and I’m not ashamed of it. The problem is that I also love a well-endowed man. But just because I enjoy women doesn’t mean I’m allowed to have affairs in my relationship. I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it’s with girls, so there is a rule there.

So, Fergie loves a little swordplay. Because she’s a man you see. A man who likes well-endowed men. What’s more interesting “comes out” next in the article:

I’m guessing you made your first gay friend on Kids Incorporated.

Oh, there were plenty on that show. But I don’t want to out anyone, just in case.

Interesting aside, did you know Mario Lopez was on Kids Incorporated?

If Jon Gosselin could turn back time

The Blemish — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 18:00:05 +0000

…he’d still be kind of a douchebag. He’d also probably be a just as bad an actor. Seriously, this is killing me. A robot would be more thrilling to watch. And it wouldn’t even have to be a real robot. It could just be a cardboard box with sticks for feet and hands with “robot” written across it.

Amber Heard does Saturday Night

The Blemish — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:00:59 +0000

According to IMDB, Amber Heard has been in a lot of stuff. Most notably The Informers where she got naked. Although, that’s still not ringing any bells. In any case, she’s now my girlfriend. She doesn’t know it yet of course, but hopefully she’ll realize it after a few days of me standing outside of her window and staring inside. Most girls usually do.

Céline Dion wasn’t really pregnant

The Blemish — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:30:57 +0000

Céline Dion’s husband, René Angélil, told the Journal de Montreal that the embryos they used for IVF actually didn’t take and that Celine wasn’t really pregnant after all. Céline isn’t giving up, however. She’s going to New York to try again.

“Dr. Zev Rosenwaks believed that the procedure/pregnancy took, but that wasn’t the case. We found out some days later. We were shocked,” said Angélil. They quickly tried again to get pregnant, but were unsuccessful, he added, “But you know Céline. She doesn’t let go.”

“I admire all the women who go through such a tough process. Since April, she has undergone numerous examinations, multiple hormone injections and blood tests,” Angélil told the paper, revealing the couple will go to New York this weekend for a third try. “Céline and I didn’t get discouraged … we put our faith in life and in the stars.”

That’s got to suck. Believing you were pregnant when all along the only thing you were filled with were cheap lies and false hope. It’s almost like when the restaurant told me there was cucumber in my egg salad sandwich and then later I found out there wasn’t. Yep, Céline Dion and I must have gone through the exact same range of emotions.

Shauna Sand slipped a nipple

The Blemish — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:00:26 +0000

I don’t even feel right calling that thing a nipple. That’d be an insult to nipples everywhere. But I’m not sure how else to describe it. Frankentits perhaps? It’s like her surgeon stole the nipples off a cadaver and stitched it onto her implants. Regular people probably have normal experiences during their breast enhancements. Shauna’s was probably filled with a lot of rusty tools scrounged from the trash and maniacal laughter.

Shakira is different and other news

The Blemish — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:30:35 +0000

Kat is a college freshman and she’s pretty hot. Make no mistake. This is a fantastic combination. [College Humor]
Letterman was shopping his screenplay, not blackmailing. [Popeater]
Pamela Anderson is so old and decrepit that she needs a special light. [Lainey]
Celebrities really love their useless artifacts. [The Superficial]
Scientists erect a penis in their lab. [Asylum]
Shakira is doing the dreadlocks thing. [Just Jared]
Amanda Righettis is pretty. [MoeJackson]

Lindsay killed the Joker

Captain Swarthy — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:17:53 +0000

Out comes word today from Radar that Lindsay dated Heath at the time of his death. Dammit Lindsay! You robbed us of a Batman Sequel.

“And she was dating Heath when he died,” Dina reveals to Michael. “I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok?”…

Dina told Michael about the relationship because she was afraid for Lindsay’s life too: “Because when she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking.”

Lindsay’s mother was also worried about her relationship with Samantha Ronson, telling Michael that she thought Lindsay should walk away but it wasn’t that easy of a decision for her daughter. “It’s very easy for a rational person to say. But for an irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she’s got wrong with her.”

This girl’s messed up. And Lindsay has asthma? That means sex with Heath should’ve left her breathless, not Heath.

The Blemish

Lady GaGa has a video and time wasters

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