Biden has been facing extreme pressure from CNN and other media outlets to drop out of the race as they keep publishing stories urging him to drop out of the race. On Thursday, I think, former U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pepperoni urged Biden to drop out of the race, saying, “I urge you to drop out of the race.”

But unnamed aides to the president say he refused, although he avoided direct confrontation with Pepperoni by offering to “drop out of other things.” When an intern for The Brutal Times asked the aides, Gerhardt Boozer, 16 and Veronica Bits 67, what Biden said exactly, they said he offered to drop out of a dance class and high school.

Pepperoni also reportedly told Billabong that if he quit the campaign trail he would have more time to “do other things” he liked. When Biden shrugged off the offer, she persisted, saying, “We-ell, like play with Commander, for instance.” Commander is Bidong’s beloved 10-year-old German sheepdog, who has a reputation for biting members of the president’s entourage.

This is a developing story. The Brutal Times will update it if it has time and can muster up the motivation to unglue its eyes from Kid Rock’s dancing at the Republican convention.

“I can think of no other candidate, quite frankly, who is more able to fill my shoes than Mike Pence 2,” Pence told the nearly empty room, after climbing atop his table and cupping his hands like a bullhorn.

Staff for the former veep later confirmed to The Brutal Times that Pence had said “Pence 2” and not “Pence, too,” although grammarians are still debating it.

“We’re still debating it,” chimed the Associated Press’s B. Everett Calleope, who declined to give their title as it might incriminate them. “I think readers deserve to have us spend maybe a few months on it before we…,” they went on.

Pence himself later clarified his comments in a fax to the joy of plastic model-building dot com. The Pale One said he’d “long learned the benefits” of splitting himself into two compartments, dubbed “Pence 1 and Pence 2.” He said Pence 2 was “exactly the same as Pence 1” physically, but operated on a “different body clock.”

The body clock remark appeared aimed to address the scrunchy-faced looks on some reporter’s faces when Pence 2 last week said former U.S. President Donald Trump had put him and and his family at risk on January 6, 2021 by not stopping the Capitol riot.

Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies noted that Pence, with his March 12 remark, became the last person on Earth to make the observation, at least publicly.

That’s not all.

Pence, after leaving Denny’s, said that acting as Pence 1 he planned to make a “very special announcement in maybe the coming days, months or years.”

The Brutal Times asked psychologist Dr. Ray Goolens to analyze Pence’s comment.

Goolens, who is not a psychologist, said he believed the phrasing of the comment clearly shows that “a mixing, a burbling if you will, is occurring within Mike Pence — of Pence 2, who obviously made the comment — and Pence 1, who I guess will be making the announcement that he’ll run for president.”

Political observers (me), say they see one benefit of a presidential election victory by Pence 2: We’ll have lived most of his presidency before it actually happens, giving us more time to prepare for it.

Still others (me again), say having Pence bring himself into the White House as V.P. will be a) weird b) possibly cheaper in the long run c) confusing and d) twice as dull.

Why are you laughing?

So I was overjoyed when I stumbled onto an almost empty java joint on the Windy City’s east side Rue de Booboomuck. There was no sign to inform me of its name, but the menu the waiter slid onto my table bore the name Cafe Sur la Booboomuck.

But no sooner did I learn that name when I also saw the table give a slight wobble.

Fucking hell, I thought — the waiter’s given me a wobbly table.

I looked up from the still wobbling menu, intending to tell the waiter I had no intention of accepting such seating, but he had already gone.

While he was away, I tested my table. Just the touch of a menu had made it wobble. How was it going to react to say a cup of coffee or that plus a plate of steaming spaghetti?

I lightly rested my left hand on the table. It gave way immediately, lurching to the right and back and drawing the attention of an elderly woman seated a mere foot away.

“Hey! Watch it!” she cried, and lunged over her handbag.

This fucking table was a nightmare. There was no way I was going to sit there.

Just then, the waiter appeared, and said, “May I take your order, madame?”

Hold on. You gave me a wobbly table.

“What?”

You gave me a — look, I have no intention of sitting here.

“Would you like me to place something under one of its legs? Say, a piece of cardboard?”

No. No, I’d like to move to another table.

“I’m sorry, madame. all the other tables are taken.”

What are you talking about? There’s hardly anyone else here.

“Oh, but they’re reserved. The cafe starts filling up around 1 p.m.”

Sure enough he was right — the cafe suddenly did start filling up.

But I wasn’t going to take it. I said, “Look, let’s not fuck around with little bits of cardboard, OK? I make furniture for a living. I’ll build you a table right here if you let me sit at it.”

I don’t know, madame. It sounds a little curious, this whole operation.

“I have a saw right here,” I said, reaching over my left shoulder and pulling my saw out of its holster on my back from between my jean shirt and jean jacket.

That’s quite impressive, madame, but where will you find the wood?

I pointed across the street. There was a 600-year-old elm, about 60 feet high.

But madame, those trees are protected. They are–

But I was already across the street and in position hugging the tree and felling it with the saw. It wasn’t easy. But I was getting hungry and I wanted to get things finished as fast as I could so I could finally try the cafe’s cuisine and post some pics on my Tik Tok channel.

The waiter didn’t help things, either. Here I am, back on the cafe’s terrace, nailing branches together for the table’s legs, and the waiter is just shrieking. Just complaining, complaining, complaining.

But when the table was done…he looks at me and says…”I like it. I never expected I would say this, and we have called the police, but it…it really looks fantastic.”

Great. Now can I order some fucking food and maybe a coffee, perhaps?

“Of course, madame. Or perhaps, in light of your artistic talents, I should call you “Sensei.”

Yeah, sure, whatever. I’ll have the spaghetti Bolsonaro and an Americano but with milk and don’t give me any shit about it.

“Of course, Sensei. As you wish. And shall I wash your saw for you, in case you need to…cut down more trees today?”

No. The saw never leaves my side. I’ve heard that trick before.

“My apologies…Sensei. I will return with your nibbles.”

Then he left. I leaned back in the wire chair that pinched my bum in about 15 places and rested my right elbow on my new table.

It wobbled.

Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies found that most people were either “repulsed” or “totally grossed-out” when others removed their masks.

Drive-through dentist Gayleen Vestibule said, “You don’t have to be a dentist to know that the top half of people’s faces is by far better than the bottom half — and I’m not a dentist.”

Everyone else agrees.

“My friend Gerhardt took off his mask because now COVID’s over? And I almost barfed,” said trombonist Tarot Baum, 30. Baum said he won’t soon forget what he saw. He said he’s sought legal advice to see if he can get lump-sum damages.

Wearing facemarks, also called “masking” and “putting on a mask,”  became in vogue after a pandemic caused by French kissing (mouth-to-mouth) started a few years back. But like trends like not wearing socks, it’s getting worn out.

MyGoodies surveyed a total of 2.7 people over a span of three seconds during the rainy season. The poll was conducted using a state-of-the-art AI system connected to Hillary Clinton’s home-brew email server.

Mostly, it worked. At times, the system was so human-like, it called out angrily for coffee. Records recovered from a nearby Alexa show the system, SurveyPal, griping, “Get me my coffee, now, goddammit” and “Didn’t anyone think to order some donuts?”

Survey respondents were listed as anonymous, but Celia Hunt, 56, one of SurveyPal’s developers was one of them and her dog, Boots, 8, was another. Hunt says she recalls calling someone late on Thursday evening and asking them whether people looked better with their masks on.

When asked by The Brutal Times if that person might have been trombonist Tarot Baum, Hunt was noncommittal.

“I dunno. Coulda been. I’d had a few drinks to sort of unwind before making the call,” she said. “One of the things that really sucks about surveys — and there are other things, too that aren’t great to be honest — is that you have to call at least one person.”

Couldn’t you just hire someone who’s more of a people person?

“Yeahhhh. But then I’d have to be more of a people person to even make that call.”

Makes sense.

The COVID-19 pandemic has also ended.

Putin, reached in his den in Moscow, told The Brutal Times he had apologized to Ukraine President Volodmyr Zelensky. Although Putin did not use the words war or invasion when discussing the invasion and war he said, “Maybe I overreacted. Everybody does it. I think it’s important for leaders to be accountable and acknowledge when they make mistakes (that result in the deaths of thousands of innocent people and raise U.S. gas prices).”

He said he’d be sending troops to help rebuild Ukraine and would make it “even better than before.” The long-serving leader also said he’s planning to retire in the next month or so and turn his attention to things other than politics. “Life’s too short. I may take up oil painting,” he went on.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said he, too, is looking to turn over a more happier leaf. Kim told Brutal Times teen correspondent Billy he was open to sharing his country’s missile technology and hoped it could be used for things “more fun” than destroying the world or great big parts of it.

Asked if the tech could be used for roller coasters or other amusement park rides, Kim said, “Yeah, maybe,” and smiled. Then he even smiled again.

U.N. Secretary Big Willie has already asked Kim’s sexy sister if any leftover missiles might be used for fireworks at U.N. shindigs. Discussions are underway between scientists in North Korea and other countries to see if it’s not too ridiculous.

Former U.S. President Donald Trump hasn’t quite become a Never Trumper, but he too is turning over a new bumper. “I get it. I listened,” he said, in a brief press conference at Denny’s in Palm Beach on Wednesday from 8:02 a.m. to 8:10 a.m. “Just tell me if I go on too long or say anything that sounds self-indulgent, or crazy,” he went on.

Meanwhile, Top doc Tony Fauci says air-lovers around the globe can take off their facemarks forever as the seemingly endless coronavirus pandemic has now ended.

The Fauchster  said he’ll start looking for a new job on Monday and isn’t too picky about what he’ll do, although he’d love “to have a crack at heading the Fed.”

Speaking of the U.S. Federal Reserve, Jerome “Boom-Boom” Powell says the heartening fresh attitudes of Putin, Kim, Trump and Fauci had worked wonders to stop inflation.

Prices were already falling to 2019 levels when Powell came out of the shower this morning before slipping into some furry slippers and a vintage Top Gun T-shirt with no references to China on Tom Cruise’s jacket. “I bought a Diet Coke right on the street and it cost me 25 cents,” he said. Data shows that the day before that same Diet Coke cost 55 dollars.

Murders also plunged across the planet and couples that broke up years ago got back together for make-up sex.

By Styles Cradgerock, PALM BEACH — The committee investigating the deadly insurrection at the U.S. capitol  has decided to accept an offer from former U.S. President Donald Trump to store its evidence against him at his Florida estate, Mar-a-Lago.

The committee has been struggling to find a secure home for the treasure trove of documents, Tik-Tok videos and NFTs that it has amassed over the 15 months since it began investigating the Jan. 6, 2021 attack.

A source within the investigation, who can’t be named because they have no name and aren’t in the investigation, said they enjoyed being a source. They added that committee members hit on the idea of storing their goodies at Mar-a-Lago because “I said, ‘Well, where did they come from?’ And of course, they said, ‘Well, most of it came from Mar-a-Lago.’ And so I said, ‘Well, duh, why not just ship it back there and let them store it?’ I mean, that way the onus is on them to keep it safe. Really, it was a no-brainer.”

Is that the way the government makes most of its decisions?

“What?”

Is that the way the government makes most of its decisions? By not using its brains?

“No, most of them are eggheads. So usually they overthink things. That’s why it took them so long to figure this out — until I stepped in.”

Do you think the evidence will be safe at Mar-a-Lago?

“Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Well, a cat burglar could..

“A cat burglar?”

…

…

OK, well a regular burglar.

“No, they have an alarm system.”

Phew. I guess, that makes it seem like the stuff was safe there all along, like before the FBI seized it and all.

“Well, they didn’t really ‘seize’ it.”

They didn’t?

“No, they sort of just picked it up. I mean ‘seizing’ implies that they sort of lunged forward or backward and rushed to grab stuff.”

So they didn’t do that?

“No, they sort of bent down or reached over — at a regular pace — and picked things up. These guys get paid by the hour so it’s not really in their interest to snatch things up or rifle through them. And then there were older agents who argued for, you know, being meticulous and slowwwwly going through stuff.”

But weren’t they trying to get things done before Trump got back for dinner?

“No, no, no. It’s– Look, it wasn’t The Three Little Pigs, you know? Or The Big Bad Wolf and all that. It’s like you’re trying to make it all into some nursery-rhyme search scenario.”

So… there was no porridge? That had gone cold?

…

…

Why are you laughing?

Brahms speaks to reporters moments before he was shot on Friday.

By DJ Salinger, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Brahms was shot dead in front of this city’s first Taco Bell  on Friday by a fan who said he was upset at the pianist’s new musical direction and clothes.

Police declined to arrest the man as they said his explanation for his actions “seemed credible.”

American tourist Serena Bleen said she heard a shot that sounded like a shot and saw Brahms keel over as if he was keeling over.

She said she thought of helping him but was halfway through her burrito and wanted to finish it because she only had a half hour for lunch.

Bleen said she was not familiar with Brahms’ music as she “doesn’t listen to the radio.” But she said she thought he was a little old to be wearing floods and no socks with his dress shoes. “He had these veins on his ankles,” she said, making a gross-out face. “You know, those old-guy veins.”

Brahms was in Paris to cut a new record, his first in two centuries. He had enlisted renowned hip-hop producer Jimmy Jam-san to “help out,” but said in November he was intent on producing it himself.

“There were some good jams,” Jam-san said Monday evening after The Brutal Times faxed him to get his take Brahms’ death. “One sounded a bit like ‘Another One Bites The Dust,” he said, in reference to the song by Queen.

Brahms, a longtime fixture on Europe’s classical music scene, got his start as a sideman in Ludwig von Beethoven’s band, Beethoven. But Brahms soon departed, not content to double up on Beethoven’s riffs.

The two pianists often quarreled, according to Beethoven biographer Hoover Mitz. “One time, when Brahms told Beethoven he wanted to do something “a bit more funky” Ludwig went berserk and hurled his solid-gold piano stool at him,” Mitz said.

“Another time, when Beethoven accused Brahms of ‘ripping off’ his trademark bed-head hairdo, Brahms started tearing out large clumps of his hair and throwing them at Beethoven.”

Video of the arguments quickly went viral, Mitz said. One one-second video posted on Tik-Tok racked up 10 billion views in one second, according to internet assessment group MyGoodies.

Still, despite such attention, many people in Paris seemed to have forgotten about Brahms by the time he was shot to death on one of their streets on Sunday.

“Who he?” said conductor Yves St. Laurent, when asked about Brahms, and quickly went back to staring at his iPhone.

Brushing off Brahms so briskly somehow seemed cruel.

“How come you don’t care ’bout Brahms?” I asked.

“What?”

“How come you don’t care ’bout Brahms?”

“Can’t really care if I don’t know who he is.”

“He’s Europe’s most-famous classical composer.”

“Mmm.”

“A lot of his songs’ve been used in movies.”

“Mmm. Yeah, like which ones?”

“Avatar…Ghostbusters.”

“Ghostbusters…mmm..maybe I do know him, then.”

“Great. Well, he’s dead.”

“No! really?”

“Stop playing around. But you really should know him, being a conductor and all.”

“Yeah…I dunno, it’s just a job, isn’t it?”

“…”

“I mean, whaddaya want?”

“I’m not going, either,” Gorbachev, affectionately known by fans as Gorby, said Friday. “I have other plans.”

News that Gorby also won’t be going sparked furious head-scratching debate as to what he would be doing instead.

“I wonder if he’ll be going golfing,” wondered Dan Corduroy, an avid golfer. “But I can’t recall if he was really a golfer,” he went on. “Strange,” he went on even more.

Gorby said only that he “had a thing,” without elaborating on why he was skipping the ceremony.

There was no word whether Gorby’s absence would stop world dignitaries from attending.

Brutal Times political analyst and champion hotdog eater Billy, 12, said he still expects Olympic Committee Chairman Thomas Bach and WHO chief Tedros “Ted”Adhanom Ghebreyesus to go.

“They’re at everything,” he went on. “I can’t wait to see what they’ll wear.”

I’d say there were about seven more wrinkles on the left sleeve alone. Unfortunately, I didn’t take any photos of the shirt before I started ironing so I can’t be totally sure it was seven but if I had to testify against myself in a court of law that’s the number I’d tell the judge.

That’s not all.

On the right sleeve, on the back where the buttons are, I had added 4,719 new wrinkles. This number I’m pretty sure of, because I’ve been working on a still life of the sleeve and I can just glance over at it any time to check.

Counting those wrinkles caused me to have to take more time off work. All in all, I’d say it took me six months to count them. But then I wasn’t sure if I counted right, so I went back since I’m a perfectionist.

Some of the people at work were angry I took time off for something like that again. Actually, all of them were angry.

I guess angry doesn’t totally cover it. Maybe a few like Reg and Leona and Gerhardt and Neil  and Trina and Mr. Ho and Gina and that guy who I forget his name and those other guys who have the hair and the bald one and a bunch of others and even the guy who just sits at the reception in that rent-a-cop outfit – I’d say they were furious.

Just totally uncalled for, right?

But that’s people for you.

So but I ironed a fair number of new wrinkles into my beloved white work shirt that when I’m working I wear every day although I did go bare-chested when it got stuck in the dryer and I was running late those couple of times.

Being on time is everything. But you need a wrinkle-free white shirt, too. But, boy, what an ordeal that’s shaping up to be these days. I can remember a time when I’d glide my iron over my beloved white work shirt and just slide those wrinkles right out with never a chance of adding an extra wrinkle.

Oh my god, no I can’t. I mean, I think that’s the way things used to be, but I’m not actually totally sure. Hmm….Hmm… But still it’s probably better to force myself to remember it that way. That’s what I’ll do, at least for this month.

Why are you laughing?

The new Apple iPhone 68

By Michael Dean, Special to The Brutal Times, BOISE- I like pushing buttons on my computer. I’m not a fan of touchscreens because stabbing the glass like I’m doing now on my iPhone hurts my fingers.

Let me explain.

I’m an incredibly highly-paid executive at a huge conglomerate. Though it says “Michael Dean” in the byline of this article, Michael Dean is not my name.

Despite the massive salary and top floor corner window office I work from over-looking Boise’s yacht district from which I can, using a spyglass, keep an eye out for intruders on my numerous yachts, I don’t, I mean, never actually do any work.

Apart from pushing buttons, keys mostly, but also often just the on/off button on my PC, a large-size made-in-China Lenovo desktop which the company’s IT security manager installed this December after someone – me – leaked most of the company’s sensitive and thus more profitable data, which took some time I have to tell you.

One thing I like about the buttons, ok, keys, switches, whatever, is how they make a slight popping noise when depressed.

If you’ve ever spent hours popping the bubbles on a piece of bubble paper and statistics show that 92.2 percent of North Americans have, with the exception of those who live in Buffalo,  where it is prohibited after what happened, then you can imagine that pushing the buttons is about 49 percent as satisfying as popping those buttons.

Dude, or sir, madam, choose your honorific, I’ve probably, no, I have spent years just pushing buttons on whatever computer they installed here after each of the major leaks I engineered at say staggered intervals every three years or so.

Truly, it boggles my mind why anyone, well maybe a doctor, but why anyone other than that would use their computer for anything else.

Make sense?