To my international readers who do not celebrate Labor Day, I apologize.  Today is a hallowed day for Americans when we celebrate the indominable Puritan work ethic that made our country great…by sleeping in and pretending to be unemployed.  Of course, when you look at it that way, every day has been Labor Day for something like half the country for quite some time now.

I’m doing my part for the economy by camping this weekend, and not blogging too hard.  But I haven’t left you totally high and dry.  With many blogs on vacation today, you may suddenly find yourself with an extra fifteen minutes and nothing to do.  Well, I’ve compiled a list of ten very useful things you can do with your fifteen minutes of non-blog-reading time.

Create / update / exaggerate the Wikipedia page dedicated to yourself.

Google yourself.  See if you’ve turned up in any unexpected places you don’t remember being, like an episode of Sesame Street.

Google your children.  Don’t forget to check Google Images.  Warm up that spanking arm so you don’t strain yourself.

Watch “Superhumans” on History Channel.  When you see a blind guy riding his bike through a parking garage and not hitting anything, you’ll thank me.

While I don’t intend to take part, apparently acid washing jeans is back, and it’s not meant to be ironic.  Also, you can find a fine selection of vintage Reebok Pumps on Ebay, Pepsi Throwback at the grocery store, and VH1 on cable.

Many parents are nervous about giving “the talk” to their kids.  Practice giving the talk to yourself in front of your bathroom mirror.  Don’t forget, eye contact, jokes, and hand gestures make a speaker seem more natural than nervous tics.

Guys, there’s probably dozens of honey-dos your wives have been asking you to finish for months, so I don’t know why you think you need suggestions of things to do.

Finish those inventions / novels / short films / macrame projects / Chinese leftovers you’ve been working on.

Go outside…and…look at stuff…I guess.  Is that what you do outside?

Purchase plane ticket to Europe, brush up on your “French with a horrible American accent” while on plane, rent a scooter, ride scooter to fancy Paris drinking establishment, order a Budweiser. 

I’ll be back on Wednesday.  As always, thank you for reading, commenting, encouraging and challenging me.  What are you doing for Labor Day (or your next day off?)

The other day, I read that James Jay Lee, longtime protestor at The Discovery Channel headquarters, had taken hostages inside that building with guns and bombs.  He was later shot by police after about four hours.  Fortunately, no one else was hurt.

Since then, Lee’s “manifesto,” which he presented to the station’s employees, has been released for our enjoyment.  You can check it out here.  The gist of it is that people are evil filth, we should stop having babies, and The Discovery Channel should save the planet by being the ones to tell everyone though the awesome power of television and Mike Rowe.  (He’s not really named.)  That’s why he was there, to make his demands known, through his manifesto.

I had hoped that for once, a would-be terrorist would have a manifesto that was not incoherant and childish sounding gibberish.  But, yet again, I was left disappointed and wanting more from Mr. Lee, but his example also brings up questions worth pondering.

It’s time to perfect that manifesto you’ve been working on, so take a few notes from these highlights of Mr. Lee’s manifesto.

A Manifesto on Writing a Manifesto

Give Us an Opener

I appreciate seeing someone show ambition and a go-get-em attitude.  But most people these days don’t open a resume by writing “GIVE ME A JOB, YOU CAPITALISTIC SWINE!”  They give a summary of their qualifications.  Mr. Lee made the classic manifesto mistake of not telling us a little bit about himself first.  Maybe he enjoys model airplanes or walking on the beach or can fix a car.  Instead, he just starts right in with his “DEMANDS.”  Bad form, bad form.  I don’t even know who you are, much less why I should be caving in to your demands, other than the fact that you are armed and extremely dangerous. 

This leads me to my second piece of constructive criticism…

JUDICIOUS USE OF THE SHIFT KEY

I know it can be confusing where and when you are supposed to capitalize letters.  If you are a little fuzzy on your grammar rules, there are many handy books you can purchase to brush up.  What is never good is simply tapping CAPS LOCK and capitalizing whole words at a time.  You may not be aware of it, but readers may think you are actually yelling at them through your manifesto, and that’s not something you ever want to convey.

Speaking of things you never want to do…

Never Use the Word “Froggies” 

Among the short list of animals Mr. Lee listed that humans are harming, “froggies” inexplicably made his list.  Just a tip: it is never okay to copy off a six-year-old when writing your manifesto.  Plagarism is a crime that can land you in a lot of hot water, and possibly jail.

Also, you don’t want to show favoritism.  When you end your list of “must save” animals, with “of course, the squirrels,” you risk offending the other animals by sounding like, given the choice, you’ll save the squirrels first.  Somewhere, some hot-shot jock baboon is giving a poor little nerd squirrel a swirlie for being your “teacher’s pet.”

And when you’re checking your word use, be sure to do the following…

Get a Thesaurus

On your word processor, online, or in book form, you can’t go wrong!  When you repeatedly use words like ”filth,” especially when describing humans, you come off as uncreative.  The thesaurus has many fine suggestions.  For example, I’ve programmed my computer’s thesaurus to suggest words like “amazing,” “handsome,” and “chiseled” as a reminder that I shouldn’t be referring to myself in the third person too often.

Don’t Blame Babies

Manifesto writing 101: people tend to like most babies.  Heck, people usually like moist babies.  Their cooing sounds, gentle demeanor, and general lack of motor skills or ability to destroy and take over the world are endearing.  So endearing, that most people forgive them for constantly defecating in their pants for the first two years of their lives.  Children are, by and large, believed to be our future, and that we should teach them well, let them lead the way, and show them all the beauty they possess inside, rather than blaming them for the firey destruction of humanity.  I think you lost a lot of people with that bullet point.

Ironically, Christians are prone to this same line of thinking.  Some people get so down on humanity that they believe that God doesn’t really love us, and we’re basically “pond scum,” as I’ve heard it said.  Once you stop believing humanity has a reason for being here, you’re in trouble.  I’ve come to think that a person who believes God is mad at humanity, actually struggles with the belief that God is mad at him.

Get Your Priorities in Order

You could say this is the most important thing when developing your radical manifesto.  See, when you condemn Western children for using “30 to 100 times” more resources than third world children, you’re not really saying anything about Western children.  You’re praising third world children for living in extreme poverty, and you’re implying that they should not be helped out of their misery.  Look, most people at some point struggle with “the meaning of life,” and figuring out why we’re here.  I sure have.  And I’ve come to think that we exist to extend justice to the less fortunate.

I don’t believe Mr. Lee hated humanity as much as he struggled with hating himself.  He felt worthless, and believed no one was listening to him, and no one was able to reach him.  Why do you think this sort of thinking, this self hate seems to pop up every so often?  Even Mother Teresa wrote in her diary that she struggled with self hate and the idea that God hated her!  Is it just one man against the world, or is there something bigger at wok here that’s making us feel guilty for even existing?

As of today, I’ve been blogging for twenty-two months.  Last week, I reached the benchmark of 300 blog posts.  That means you’ve now slurped down 300 doses of my amazing wisdom and impeccable wit, and I’ve read through thousands of your comments.

I always hope that this blog is a meaningful thing to do.  That means writing about meaningful things that I hope will be worth your time.  A couple of months ago, it meant deciding not to put ads on the blog.  It oftentimes means reaching out to some incredible people around the world.

But today, I’m really pumped, because I’m doing something with the blog that’s very meaningful, and I need your help. 

I’m collecting about 800 million glasses of water

…give or take a couple.  I’m not joking.

For the next 30 days, I’ll be a part of a team of 30 bloggers, and we’ll be working to collect that water.  Actually, we’d really rather collect the moolah to dig the wells rather than send the water by UPS.  Seems more efficient that way.

We’re teaming up with Charity: Water, and our goal is provide clean water for six communities in the Central African Republic. 

How big is this need? 

One in eight people on the planet don’t have clean water to drink.  That’s several hundred million people.  It’s the last valuable commodity in many places on earth.  Women and children in pre-industrial cultures typically walk five or more miles to collect a bucket of water out of a dirty river, risking rape and violence along the way.  Or, they may line up for eight hours for a turn at a well.  Meanwhile, I used more water today to wash the grime off myself than these people have in a week. 

You already know that I have a heart for the people of Africa, so I’m really glad to be a part of this.  Charity Water is a great organization.  You won’t find many charities that use 100% of donations for the projects they are working on, but Charity Water covers all their overhead with private sponsors.  That’s awesome.

I don’t know about you, but I love water

I’m really excited to be partnering with 29 other bloggers.  Over the next 30 days, you’ll see the new banners I’ve put on the site, plus I’ll include a banner on every blog post for those of you who are visiting via a blog reader.  Every banner links to our campaign’s site where you can see the other bloggers and track our progress.  I won’t be harping on your every day about this, but I’ll probably give short updates once a week besides my regular updates, of course.

$1 = a year of H2O

Our goal is $30,000 in 30 days.  But just to be safe, let’s get it done in less than 30 days.  Let’s get it done today!  I know I have some amazingly kind, gracious and generous readers who can make a big impact on this goal.  Every buck you pitch in provides water for a person for a year.  Wow.

Tell your friends

Whether you can give or not, you can help these people.  It’s pretty likely that not all of your friends read this blog.  So please spread the word with your blogs, Facebook pages and Twitter accounts.

Please don’t make promise something silly like shaving my head or kissing a pig or hugging Fred Phelps if we make our goal.  Let’s just make it happen.  Don’t take one more drink of coffee, wash your hands, water your flowers, or take a shower before you help someone else do the same.  Click the banner below to check out the other bloggers, see videos, and make a contribution.  Oh, and if you chip in a few bucks, or link to me on you blog, Twitter or Facebook, be sure to leave a comment here, so we can get that whole peer pressure thing going!  (And so I can thank you.)

Today is my first day at my new teaching job.  I’m pretty pumped about it, and I’m remembering what it was like for me as a kid to go through all those first days of school.  I can remember a lot of them.  It was always a mix of nervousness and excitement and dread and school lunch.  Getting new school supplies was always fun.  There was always one kid who was so excited to get new glue, he’d be snacking on it before lunchtime.

Since today I’m experiencing another first day, it got me thinking about all the other first days I’ve had in my life.

First Day of Kindergarten

All right, that was a pretty exciting morning of coloring.  I’m not sure why we’re laying on the blankets we brought right now.  Nap time?  How about some more recess?  This kid next to me smells weird.  How can I be expected to nap next to this guy?  I had a full day of kindergarten, but when you took out nap time, three recesses, lunch, snack, bathroom breaks, and taking attendance, I think we had about 15 minutes of school.

First Day in Our New House

Moving to a new house is always fun.  My brother and I quickly found that the closet under the stairs was perfect for trapping each other inside in the dark.  To be fair, I think he wanted to be trapped in there.

First Day of Middle School

My ears are bleeding!  I didn’t know there were that many four letter words!  Ah, public school has its many benefits.

First Day as a Paperboy

Wow!  Papers are heavy.  This was a terrible idea.  Mom, can you drive while we throw papers out the car window?

First Day on the Job

I started my first non-paperboy job ready to ride all the way to the top of the company.  It took me longer than most teenagers to realize that as a sixteen-year-old, I was not going to be promoted, and thus could give my job approximately 15% of the effort I was currently giving it, and still get paid the same $5.15 wage. 

First Day of College

My first college was a Baptist school, and I showed up a week early for “Welcome Week.”  For three days, I thought my parents had mistakenly left me at a church camp, complete with weird counselors and crafts.  Some kids even cried at the end of the week.

First Day in the New Apartment

My roommate was not going to show up for a couple of weeks, so I worked solo to arrange my two things.  Then I realized I was in a strange and somewhat dangerous part of town, no one on my hallway spoke non-broken English, it was now 9 pm, and I had no food.  So I drove around cluelessly until the friendly glowing KFC bucket came into view like an oasis…an oasis with steel bars on the pick up window. 

First Day as a Married Man

Wow, I am drained from that wedding ceremony.  What’s that?  Our plane leaves at 4 am, and it’s a ten hour flight?  Geez, being married is a lot of work.

First Day Writing a Blog

This is a dumb idea.  I’ll probably quit this in a week. 

Wednesday, will be another first day for me, and I’ll be telling you all about it, so don’t miss it!  Tell us about a first day you remember, first day in school, in a new city, at your job, as a parent, at your church, whatever!  What was the best (or worst) first day of your life?

Since it’s been several days since that whole business with the proposed mosque at Ground Zero hit, the Christian blogosphere has lit up with all kinds of opinoins.  As usual, I’ve waited a few days to think about the situation before I spoke up. 

As with most controversies, I have my gut instincts about it.  But the realities are much more complicated than we’d like them to be.  People are fired up and ready to come to fisticuffs over this thing.

Here’s what I’ve come up with in favor of and against the so called “Islamic Center.”

Pro: Two Blocks from Ground Zero Isn’t Ground Zero

I understand that building a mosque or “Islamic Center” two blocks from Ground Zero is offensive to a lot of people.  Ground Zero is sacred.  That said, I have to ask just how far does the “sacredness” of Ground Zero extend?  There’s already a building project at Ground Zero.  Two blocks away from that site probably isn’t even in view of Ground Zero.  If two blocks away is inappropriate, what distance is acceptable?  Of course, some people would answer, “Back where they came from.”

Con: The Islamic Center Will Be Sacred Ground

Something that not too many people are discussing is the idea that Muslims build mosques on sites that they feel they have “conquered.”  You could say the same is true for Christians too.  More Christian Soldiers = more churches.  However with jihad being the point of the WTC attacks, it makes you wonder just what is the real, non-politically correct significance of the mosque.

Has anyone else noticed the interchangeable use of the term “Islamic Center” instead of “mosque?”  I don’t know what an “Islamic Center” is, but I think it’s the same as a Christian “Worship Center.”  It’s just a hip new word to disguise the fact that it is indeed a “church” or “mosque.”

At this point in the conversation, someone will chime in by saying, “We need to stop perpetuating the stereotype that all Muslims want to change and / or conquer America.” 

No, silly billy!  We don’t need to stop perpetuating that stereotype.  Of course most Muslims are lovely, gracious people, but they do want to change America. They aren’t so different from Evangelical Christians and their culture war.  The Muslims are even starting to become a bit more like Evangelicals these days.  In my own city there’s a billboard advertising for Islam.  Every faith, political party, ideology, and philosophy, no matter how peaceful and lovey-dovey wants to mold the world in its image.  To say that Muslims don’t want to change the world is to say they don’t have beliefs worth changing the world for.

Pro: We Should Be More Tolerant

Yeah, there’s that whole thing Jesus talked about about loving our enemies.  And the fact is that as Christians, our allegience is to the Kingdom of God, not the Kingdom of America.  These were the things that Rachel Held Evans reminded her readers of this week.  I respect her opinion, and wholeheartedly admire her allegience to the teachings of Jesus, regardless of the cost.  As Christians, we’re going to have to learn to co-exist with the Muslims that are here (along with the Mexicans, Asians, Hindus, Indians, Atheists, and everyone else.)  And as Americans, we have to come to terms with the fact that we really don’t have any good legal reason to not let the mosque be built.  All that stuff about freedom of religion kind of loses its punch if we just don’t let Muslims build a mosque.

Con: There is a Huge Double Standard Here

Actually, there are three double standards here. 

I’m all for loving thy neighbor as much as you are.  But let’s be honest.  Americans are told way more often than anyone else that we need to try to “understand” our enemies.  Maybe the people behind the mosque can try to understand the 70% of Americans who think it’s in bad taste.

The second double standard is the fact that a Greek Orthodox church was denied a permit to rebuild a church that already existed near Ground Zero.  I don’t know, but something seems fishy, like this isn’t all about religious freedom.  Last I checked, no one was particularly angry with the Greek Orthodox guys.

Lastly, we’ve got a real double standard about which enemies we are trying to “understand” and be loving towards.  I don’t see anyone trying to understand Fred Phelps’ feelings or give him a hug, and he hasn’t even blown up a building.  I don’t think people have ever comprehended the full implications of what it means to love your enemies.  The cost is much higher than a mosque.  Which isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be trying.  But even if we think we’ve done our good deed for Jesus by letting that mosque get built, we still don’t have a clue about what it means to love our enemies.

Which brings me to think of this…

Con: This Isn’t Helping Ordinary Muslims

When a New York cabbie gets stabbed repeatedly because he’s a Muslim, you know tensions are hot.  Now, I’m not trying to throw cold water on loving your enemies.  But since when did “love” equal “always give people what they want”?  God doesn’t do that with me.  You don’t do it with your kids.  If Christians always gave people what they wanted because we “love” them, we’d probably shut up about Jesus, quit trying to making disciples, and mind our own dang business.  Loving people is sometimes giving them what they don’t want, or taking away something they want that’s not good for them.

The fact is, people don’t know what’s good for them half the time.  The people who are pushing for the mosque to be built aren’t going to be the ones to pay the price when people fail to love their enemies when they get into a cab. 

There are already dozens of mosques in NYC.  That’s why I don’t think this mosque is just about religious freedom.  If it were, think about all the goodwill that would be engendered toward Muslims if the builders realized that most Americans would appreciate it being moved a few blocks away.  Then, we could all hug it out.

Perhaps we’re loving the peacenik Muslim Americans more by not letting the mosque be built.  Or maybe we’re giving in to our over-sensitive and selfish sides.  Or maybe we just have nothing to say about it.  What do you think?  Is the future of America at stake?  Or are we obligated to love our enemies by giving them what they want?

They just don’t make Christian art like they used to, do they?  These days, Christian art is far more often silly, childish, or offensive than amazing.  That kind of saddens me.  Maybe not as many people are interested in depicting religious subjects.  Then again, maybe the Pope’s just not paying top dollar for Christian art like in the past.

Either way, our choices are fairly limited when it comes to modern Christian art, much like Christian music or Christian movies.  I’m not saying it’s all bad.  There’s plenty of talent out there.  I’ve looked for it and found it.  But if you don’t want a Thomas Kincaid painting, you may not know many other Christian artists working today.  Our choices are just few and far between.

Yet, every once in a while, a ray of hope glimmers for Christian art.

These images are a couple of years old, but they are fantastic.  The artists at The Glue Society created four images from the Bible as they may have appeared if Google Earth had captured them.  If you haven’t seen them, you need to check these out.  And they probably weren’t even created by Christians!

Moses leading the Hebrews across the Red Sea.

Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Noah’s Ark after the floodwaters began receding.

The crucifixion.  Tell me that’s not amazing.  Now, if only they had made an image of the armageddon.

Maybe churches need to quit trying to make clever advertisements and slogans for our marquee signs and start making art again.  Have you seen any good Christian art lately?  Is art in need of a revival, or do we have all the art we need in museums?

It’s always a momentous occasion.  But the most momentous school year of all is that first one away from home, the freshman year of college.  I remember when my parents drove away, and it dawned on me I wasn’t at church camp, and I wouldn’t be going home in a week.  There are tons of challenges in moving away from home for the first time.  One of the biggest tasks is outfitting a dorm room with everything a student needs to live in the comfort of a small cinderblock room with community showers.  Chances are your first home away from home won’t look like the Olsen twins’ penthouse or for that matter, any TV dorm room, so you’ll have to pick and choose what you bring to school.

Now that I have a home and I’m married, it amazes me that just a few short years ago, all my worldly possessions fit in the back of a small pick up truck.  However, of all the items I could’ve packed for college, there were eight absolutely necessary ingredients for dorm or apartment living.

Of course, videogames and iPods are obvious essentials, but there may be a lot of items that are missed on that last trip to Wal-Mart before classes start.  Today, I’m helping out our new college students with this handy dandy list of eight essential products for life after living with your parents.

Eight Totally Necessary Items for College Living

Febreeze

Febreeze is a miracle product.  It came on the market just as I was entering college, much to my great satisfaction.  Look, college students are extraordinarily busy and important people, always with places to go and…books to…read.  Mundane tasks like cleaning your room or doing laundry have never been less important than they are now.  However, you don’t want to have your girl or boyfriend over to visit and your room smells like old socks and sour milk.  In the olden days, a few cleverly placed car fresheners would have to do the job, but today, a few spritzes covers a multitude of sins. 

Five Laundry Baskets

There’s probably a washer and dryer somewhere on campus.  But who has time to go on a wild goose chase trying to locate it?  It’s probably way down in the basement of your dorm in a creepy, dimly lit, poorly ventilated room.  Plus, there’s usually a line of people waiting to use one broken machine.  Besides that, with you being away from home for the first time, it would really warm your mother’s heart to visit her on the weekend, with five baskets of laundry for her to wash and fold for you.

Sharpie Marker

Remember those notches your parents put on the wall to mark how tall you had grown when you were a kid?  Well now that your diet consists of cafeteria food and Easy Cheez, you’ve probably stopped growing, at least vertically.  However, you can start a cool new growth chart.  With the help of a Sharpie marker, you can keep track of just how high you can pile the milk jugs and McDonald’s wrappers in your wastebasket without it toppling over!  It’s just like Jenga.

Christmas Lights

Living in a dorm is a little bit like being an animal in a zoo.  You’re always on display, people always passing by, tapping on the glass.  With piles of trash and laundry in your room, a little Febreeze may cover the smell, but there’s the little issue that your squalor is sort of in plain view.   Not to worry, my friend.  There’s no need to show of your mess with flourecent lamps or natural sunlight.  Just shut the blinds and hang a few Christmas lights.  Your room will look festive and inviting, while the light is dim enough that no one will be able to tell if they are sitting on a beanbag chair or your dirty boxer shorts.

Rugs

Okay, so you’re rocking the Christmas lights and Febreeze, and now you’re having a modest little soiree in your room with a few friends.  You’ve got some burgers cooking up on your George Foreman grill, which is knocking out the fat directly onto your record breaking four foot pile of trash, and everyone’s enjoying the virgin daquiris.  Oh no!  Someone’s annoying boyfriend spilled his drink.  Party foul.  Now you’ve got a big red splotch right in the middle of your room…Or do you?  Just rotate the rug until it’s under the bed, and presto!  Clean floor!  Rugs are easily obtained from the dumpsters behind carpeting stores.

Alarm Clock

Like I said, college students are busy people, and it doesn’t pay to be tardy.  You need a nice, loud alarm clock so you can be sure not to be late to your 2 pm class.

Flip Flops

College professors are often reputed as being really smart, but a bit eccentric in their clothing choices.  My dad had a professor who wore a suit and tie, even in summer time.  But in order to not overheat himself, he had his suit pants hemmed into shorts.  Nothing else about the ensemble changed, including the knee high socks and shoes.  Deal with that for a moment.

As a man or woman of higher education, you are no longer in need of any footwear, except flip flops.  Doesn’t matter if it’s summer or there’s ten inches of snow on the ground.  Proper college footwear is flip flops.  Flip flops are the only footwear that will give you the calloused, disgustingly filthy feet of a true scholar.

Pennies

It’s inevitable that along the way, you will have a rival in your dorm.  And when your rival steals your shower head or leaves a pack of wild ducks in your room, you will have to answer in kind.  With a few pennies, you can trap your rival in his or her room, while they sleep.  Just push really hard on their door, and shove the pennies into the door jamb.  Bam.  Punked.

Okay, help out the new college students out there.  What was your first home after moving out of your parents’ place?  What were the items you had to have when you first left home?

We got a lot of great comments.  But I wonder if some of you were holding back.  The comments seemed to be decidedly one sided, saying that women should be pastors.  This is despite the fact that the two biggest denominations in America (Catholics and Southern Baptists) do not allow women to be pastors.

Yes, very few, if any people were willing to go out on that limb and say, “Yeah, there’s something about being a pastor that men are just better suited for,” or even, “I’d just rather listen to a man’s smooth baritone voice rather than a woman’s smooth baritone voice.”

Maybe I have very progressive readers.  But maybe we just don’t like talking about gender roles any more.  That, of course, is why I’m here.  I think we’ve totally messed up the discussion about gender roles.  We oftentimes can’t talk honestly about it.  Here’s why I think that is.

Three Reasons We Can’t Talk About Gender Roles

No One Wants to Look Sexist

First of all, when I say “gender roles,” I don’t mean men being lumberjacks and women making sandwiches for said lumberjacks.  I just mean men and women working harmoniously the way we’re made to work. 

Today, it’s really hard to just have an honest talk about gender roles.  And God (who is now a woman, FYI) help you if you say that maybe men are better suited for certain jobs, or there’s some inherant difference between the sexes.  We’re at the point where just being a man or using the words “gender roles” is sexist.  Being called a sexist is just as bad as being called a racist or a homophobe.  They say that hell has no fury like a woman scorned.  Yep.

Somehow, like racism or homophobia, it seems only certain groups are capable of such things.  Of course, women cannot be sexist.  They can’t sexually harrass male coworkers either, apparently.  The Advocates for Human Rights defines harassment specifically as violating a woman’s rights, because obviously men aren’t human.  (Update in yo face: 30% of sexual harassment cases are against women.)  It’s not sexist for a television commercial to show a woman being the savior of her household while her husband is a drooling halfwit, incapable of basic household tasks, like using a paper towel, pulling his head out of the microwave, or forming complete sentences. 

We’ve Kind of Screwed Up Gender Roles

To be fair, Christianity has done a lot to help people misunderstand what the Bible says about men and women.  That whole “submission” and “head” thing kind of got abused a bit.

I think that’s why so many couples struggle.  Our minds have been poisoned against what the Bible might be really saying about men and women.  Women stop at that word “submission” and flip their lids, and men stop reading at “head” and start spraying testosterone all over their territory.  And what no one realizes is that if people did what they were supposed to do, everyone would get what they wanted.

If women deferred to their husbands, the men would feel respected and would get to be the leaders they want to be.  If men loved their wives the way Paul describes, they’d put their wives’ desires over their own, and she’d feel loved, and get what she wanted.  It’s a big cycle of two people putting the other’s desires above their own.  Plus, they’ll probably have more sex. 

But instead, women are afraid of being a “doormat,” and men are afraid of looking “whipped,” so we’ve kind of reaped what we’ve sown.  Men don’t put their wives first, because she just tries to control him, and women don’t submit to their husbands because he’s not worthy of submitting to.  Both partners try to control the other, so it falls apart.

Once in a while, my wife and I will be having a trivial disagreement, and I’ll bust her chops with the old, “I’m the man, and the Bible says you have to obey me.”  Then I let out a hearty laugh like a pirate.

We Can’t Make Gender Roles Look as Good as Everything Else

It’s no wonder when Christians don’t understand the Bible’s guidelines for gender roles, we’re not going to be able to make them look better than what the world is offering.  

Our culture has tried a lot of things to erase gender differences.  The first thing was to tell women to act more like men.  That was how you get to the top.  I think that’s why shoulder pads were invented…I’ll have to check on that when I’m done here.  Then, men who didn’t want to be sexists were told they should act more like women and “get in touch with their feminine side.”  I don’t even know which side is my feminine side.  Then women were told that all acts of sex were actually rape, and men were told that merely acknowledging women in public will now result in immediate castration.  Then women realized they don’t like men who act like women, and men realized they don’t like women they are scared of.

With that kind of competition, you’d think the simple acknowledgment that men and women are wonderfully different and have different roles would gain acceptance again.  But it hasn’t.  It just can’t get over that word “sexist.”

Plus, have you noticed how comical some people find it to get together with friends or coworkers and complain about their spouses?  No wonder so many people would rather shack up than get married, when half the married people split, and at least half the married ones disrespect their old ladies or idiot husbands behind their backs. 

Until we solve that, men and women aren’t going to have the best relationships in marriages, church, or society.

What’s your take on gender roles, sexism, feminism, or marriage?  If you’re married, have Paul’s recommendations worked for you?  What do we even mean by “gender roles” anyway?  What is a woman’s or a man’s place?  Don’t worry, no cries of sexism will be made.

On August 2, I counted down some of the biggest gimmicks in church history, designed to get visitors in the seats.  You can check it out here, if you missed it.  Included in the list were fire engine baptisms, church fight clubs, and Nashville’s Cornerstone Church (self described as “Nashville’s most ’dynamic’ church,”) putting on a three day rodeo, fireworks, and patriotic music festival.

From the fifty or so comments and Twitter shares, it seemed a lot of people found the list to be entertaining.  Then, something happened, a first here at The Church of No People.  A couple of days ago, I recieved one last straggling comment on the list, from someone who actually attends Cornerstone, Nashville’s most dynamic church.  Here’s what he had to say:

“[...] Isn’t the bottom line about salvations? In the end, if a church has a budget to spend to reach people who may not be reached otherwise, and just one of those people commits to Christ, isn’t that really the most important thing?

I understand frustration, but when a church has 200 or so people sign commitment cards of salvation or rededication then an event is worth all it costs.  FYI, Billy Graham, when asked about all he had led to Christ, said they had signed cards.  We never really know how many have a life changing moment if they live in other communities and attend other churches.

I cannot speak for other churches, but I personally attend Nashville’s most dynamic church and see lives changed on a daily basis [...] Why don’t you try us out, Sat. 14th at 5:00 pm then come to the Christian Education class after church called God Seekers?”

At first, I first thought I might respond in a somewhat sarcastic way to the comment.  For example, I might point out that I’m in Kansas City, not Nashville, so that’s kind of a drive.  Or I might point out that I’m a pastor, not a “God seeker,” but that didn’t sound right.

The comment was made by what you can see is a nice guy who loves his church, and I’m not here to rip on him.  In fact, looking at the church’s website, I can tell they do a lot of good things, so I’m not even here to rip on the church.  But I am here to call it like I see it, and this comment brings up a couple of points I’ve got to talk about.

Three Reasons Matt Politely Declines Your Invitation to Church

If just one of those people gets saved, wasn’t it worth it?

Short answer: I don’t think so.  That feels wrong even writing that, but I get the feeling it’s true.  We’ve become so obsessed with growth, and we’re willing to grow our churches at all costs, we’re willing to stay “relevant” at all costs.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to grow.  But we’re so afraid that people won’t like Jesus, that we’re willing to make him into a sideshow.  Growth by any means necessary just isn’t growth.  Is it just me, or is American Christianity looking less and less like a religion?

If you have something you really really want, and you feel you have good intentions, you can make the same argument that “it was worth it.”  Hey, my church is going to break a world record by dropping a hundred thousand baloney sandwiches into Lake Michigan from a military aircraft bomber.  What?  That doesn’t make any sense?  You think that’s a waste of baloney?  Doesn’t matter because just one person got saved.

The irony of this whole thing is we can make ourselves out to be really cool martyrs for the cause.  We pour all kinds of money into huge events, and why?  Just so one person will get saved.  Wow, that makes us look amazingly unselfish. 

What does “Dynamic” mean?

Churches like to invent lots of words to describe themselves in appealing, delicious ways.  Cornerstone’s rodeo promo called it “Nashville’s most dynamic church.” 

What does “dynamic” mean?  I think I know.

When you go to the store, you have lots of choices.  Here’s the cheap ice cream.  Hmm…but I feel like spoiling myself.  There’s some “premium” ice cream for three bucks more.  That’s good.  Oooh, this one is “new and improved.”  I’m getting that one.

The problem is, “premium” and “new and improved” don’t mean anything.  They’re just made up marketing dreck.  Words like “low fat” or “light” have to mean something by government standards.  But not “premium.”  “Premium” is a word with no technical meaning.  And it’s the same with “dynamic,” and every other word churches slap on their labels to get visitors excited. 

Besides that, for many churches it’s not enough to be a “dynamic” church.  They have to be the most dynamic church.  Which of course implies that, sure, any other church will do…if you’re cool with a totally un-dynamic, un-radical, cheap-o crap church.  It’s kind of a passive aggressive criticism of every other church.  So go ahead and flash your made up words, but don’t imply that my church is any less splendiferous just because yours is totally scrumptrulescent.

We never really know the effects of what we do…

I think this was the guy’s point in the second paragraph.  We can never know how much impact we have.

That of course, is the rub.  How can anyone say something is worth the cost when we really don’t know the benefits?  Why don’t we spend our efforts on something we do know the benefits of?  Besides that, I don’t think most churches really count the total cost of what they do.

It’s not just money that’s spent on advertising and gimmicks, but opportunities.  When a church spends thousands of dollars to get a few Americans to sign cards, they also spend the opportunity to send that money to people in Africa who live in fear of evil spirits and don’t have clean water.  I’m not saying we should send all of our money to Africa while we live in grass huts, but we need to count the real cost before we say “it’s all worth it.”  I wonder if those Africans would say they don’t need water, because it’s worth it to see one more American feel good about himself in church.

What do you say?  Am I way off, or has our obsession with growth made us lose our way?

The responses were phenomenal.  Just what I was looking for.  You did not let me down. 

I even got a couple of emails and Facebook chats from people who were disappointed that the questions didn’t apply to them!  Sorry about that.  But I have about a dozen questions stacked up, and we’ll do this today and probably a couple times more in the coming weeks, so hopefully at least one question will apply to you.  If you missed the first three questions, you can take a look at them here.

Since you did so well, I’ll pose another three questions to you.  Answer one or all of them if you wish, as honestly as you feel comfortable with.

Here we go:

Question 1:  How much sex education did you recieve from school, your parents, or your church?  Where did most of the information come from?  Did your church or parents make an argument for abstinence, besides the risk of pregnancy and STDs, that was compelling enough to at least seriously attempt to keep your virginity?  (You don’t have to answer if you were successful…unless you want to.)

Question 2:  If you went to Sunday school or youth group, what made those leaders qualified for their jobs, if anything?  Were they educated, trained, lay leaders, young, old, youthful personalities, or mature and wise?  Were they more or less qualified to work with children than your schoolteachers?  How much of the Bible did you learn from Sunday school or youth group?

Question 3:  Do you think Christians are defensive or hostile toward opposing points of view?  If so, why do you think this is?