Students as young as the age of five will be taught how to kick a football into a goal net from 12 yards, as part of a new Government initiative to cut back on hours and hours of excruciating agony. In a move Prime Minister David Cameron claimed would finally put an end to the cocking up of barbeques across the country, the standard curriculum would see school children squaring up against an overly confident European goalkeeper whilst their classmates insulted their mother.

Mr Cameron claimed ‘no one’s had a party ruined by poor grammar have they? Likewise I can’t remember a lack of mathematical knowledge being the reason why I made a dent in the wall with my fist. If we really are going to stop smashing a ball against a crossbar in the most daft of ways, we need to be bullying inferior penalty takers out of education from a very early age.’

A senior teacher on the education governing body added ‘whilst this could mean more training for our staff ultimately it’ll benefit them in the long run. For every child who scores they’ll be awarded a little trophy to highlight success. Every child that misses will be forced to sit in the ‘Darius Vassell corner’ and read the script to a lousy pizza advert all day long.’

Manchester City jester Brian Marwood has suggested that international football will kill the Premier League, not traipsing around the planet playing pointless games for lots of advertising money. Marwood believes that players are being damaged by the amount of minutes they’re being forced to play and is also concerned his jester hat isn’t quite funny enough.

He told the Manchester City website ‘all these international games are stopping us from being able to book further trips to China or India for a one off friendly game in smouldering hot conditions so our overseas fans can see how good we all look in our kits. Whilst sat on the 15 hour flights the guys just keep telling me they’re knackered, and I’m like, damn those international games.’

City face Arsenal in China this summer and asked whether they could just cancel the trip and have a sensible match up locally Marwood said ‘yeah, but then how would we afford all the hookers and mansions?’

The Beatles have announced they’ll almost come back, but actually won’t. The decision to almost come back was made official by Sir Paul McCartney who went on to say ‘we nearly did, but actually f*** it, no let’s not.’

Big Beatles fan Arsene Wenger was left devastated telling a fans forum ‘don’t nearly come back and then not. That’s more upsetting than just not coming back. What a horrible, horrible thing to do to all those fans. I may nearly send an angry letter to McCartney’s house.’

Meanwhile, yesterday saw the return of the equals’ classic number one hit ‘Baby, almost come back’ to the charts, entering the lists at number 2. Lead singer Eddy Grant claimed ‘we nearly hit number 1, but didn’t.’

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has revealed plans to stick hapless defender Laurent Koscielny upfront and tell him to defend AC Milan’s goal. The tactic is a last ditch attempt to score 5 goals past their Champions League opponents and Wenger has advised Koscielny to mark Robin Van Persie.

Speaking to the Arsenal website Wenger claimed ‘we were talking in training and I asked Robin whether he thought it possible for him to score 5 goals. He looked over to Koscielny who was busy chewing his own foot and said ‘if I was up against him, then yes.’ That’s when I got the idea. We’ve told Laurent he’s on loan at Milan and has to keep a clean sheet for them. That should do it.’

Asked whether he felt Arsenal could also shut up shop for the evening the Frenchman replied ‘Ah…I hadn’t thought of that bit. Perhaps we could tell Ibrahimovic that he’s Laurent Koscielny. It all starts to get a tad confusing but we could also tell Tony Adams he’s 24.’

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has used ‘Precog’ technology, as seen in the Hollywood movie Minority report, to fire new manager Rafa Benitez after the former Liverpool boss look set to lose his opening match against Birmingham City. The Precog was seen to leap up in shock screaming ‘Nooo, not Marlon King!’ before swaying from side to side and repeating the word ‘fact’.

Abramovich claimed ‘on this basis we’ve had to fire Mr Benitez before we’ve even signed him. But fear not Chelsea fans, he assured me his invisible friend Steve had him tied down to a £15 million pound contract so I of course bought him out of that first. I’ll also give him another £4 million or so just to go away. Oh, and incidentally your season tickets might be going up a bit.’

Using the Precog technology Chelsea predict they could go through 10 managers in just one year, without anything actually happening. A Chelsea spokesman added ‘that’s all fine and good until the Precog doesn’t make the Champions Leauge. Or John Terry doesn’t like them. Then we’ll be back to the drawing board.’

Head of corruption success stories FIFA will launch an investigation after a team managed by Peter Taylor actually won a game. The former England interim boss, now manager of Bahrain oversaw his team demolish Indonesia 10-0 leaving many left questioning ‘Taylor, was he the same Taylor who managed Leicester? No, he wouldn’t win a game.’

Taylor denies any foul play telling the media ‘honestly, I think Indonesia were just really, really shit. I’ve never been able to outwit anyone delivering my tactics from a cereal box but honestly, I think they were just so sucky it was untrue.’

A spokesman for FIFA claimed ‘we are aware of Peter Taylor’s history, and the chance of him winning an international match is about as likely as not spotting hookers in Michel Platini’s hotel room when you come in unannounced. If gathering evidence is half as fun as Platini makes it, I’m game.’

Caretaker England manager Stuart Pearce is set to throw Holland a curve ball ahead of this evening’s friendly by announcing the charismatic Mr Motivator as England team captain. Motivator qualifies for English citizenship having spent much of his life in the UK and having never represented his native Jamaica at international level.

On his appointment Pearce said ‘Moti has this knack of getting you up for stuff. It’s always like ‘oh go on, just one more game of FIFA, pleaaaaase’ and I’m always like ‘yeah, why not?’ He just has the ability to get you going. That’s what we need in this camp, something who dresses horrifically but inspires others.’

The FA have yet to confirm Motivator’s announcement citing an air of mystery as a magical formula of intrigue. A spokesman claimed ‘please don’t mistake this for not having a clue what we’re doing…we’re simply trying to make a meaningless and pointless friendly interesting. Thank heavens Mr M doesn’t play for Man Utd. He’d already be out of the squad with a tweaked earlobe tonight.’

A business has reported a profit after selling stuff at a reasonable mark-up, thought to be the first situation of it’s kind in the UK. Arsenal Football Club took two assets they had purchased several years previously and sold them to customers at a much higher cost, delivering the profitable results and leaving Prime Minister David Cameron to call the strategy ’simply remarkable.’

Asked about their business model a spokesperson for the club said ‘it seemed a pretty sound model when we constructed it, but no other company we spoke to about it seemed to agree. They were all for buying shit loads of stuff and then hoping to subsidise it with little things like gate receipts, or at best sending a collection bucket around the stadium.’

They continued ‘the Prime Minister has asked whether we can be used as a case study to highlight success in British business to the rest of the world. I said ‘that’ll cost you’ to which he replied ‘oh forget it then’ so somewhere along the line I think we need to run the model of our trade for money concept past him once more.’

Stand in boss Stuart Pearce has proved he’s the right man to lead England forward by doing his hair. The former Nottingham Forest captain chose a tidy side parting and even wore subtle cufflinks with ‘boss’ written on them, which he purchased from Burton’s Menswear 2 hours before the press conference.

Asked if he was happy to lead England to Euro 2012 Pearce said ‘did I mention I’m the boss? Check out the cufflinks, yeah? And look at my neatly trimmed hair. It’s very nice isn’t it? I even got this new tie. What do you think?’

Pearce continued ‘of course I’m the right man to lead England to the finals, it shouldn’t take very long anyway so let’s get it over and done with and then we can party until we wake up in a Polish cell with a cross dressing prostitute and wonder why there’s a £15,000 pound bar bill stapled to our chests…Seriously, look at the cufflinks.’