HEY kids. I’m a role model to you, and I admit I f**ked up. So don’t be like me. When you’re gunning your Lambo down the motorway on laughing gas, do it safely.
THOSE mocking the idiotic Piddington referendum that will achieve nothing have been reminded this is a bit rich coming from Britain.
NOBODY ever has or ever will give even half a f**k about the support act no matter who they are, gig-goers have reassured Ed Sheeran.
STARTING at university? You will meet so, so many middle-class girls, usually studying psychology, that you fancy. But they will also have these infuriating traits.
HAVE well-meaning people tried to debunk the sex myths you grew up with? Throw their lies back into their rationalist faces, because each of these is an actual fact.
STUDENTS newly arriving at university have hit the bars to drink away their fears about already owing tens of thousands of pounds.
AI. Everyone wants it but America has it, and they also have the best safety system in existence to make sure it can never harm anyone: me. This is how I do it.
A 42-YEAR-OLD who was a pariah in youth for not drinking, not having sex, being right-wing and having a mullet is gratified to see those things become cool.
Politics
REFORM are making the policies at today’s party conference 45 per cent more bollocks to distract from an expose of illegal funding.
KEIR Starmer has resigned from Parliament after realising his toolmaker father spent his childhood crafting one perfect tool, and that he is it.
BLAMING Brexit? How backward. We all know the predicted economic damage of Brexit was a lie, even though that has happened but by coincidence.
ANDY Burnham has been photographed in his smart uniform by his proud mother before his first day as prime minister.
Society
IF Burnham allows us to charge tourists as much as we like, you can bet we’re going to. These are the taxes we’ll impose, region by region.
SHOCKED that I, a man who masks up, blocks roads and hates the RNLI, believes strongly in Christian values? Let me explain the role Jesus plays in my life.
THE 300 masked men who blockaded the port of Dover have confirmed they are also available to arrive in force at far-right birthday parties.
THE Bayeux Tapestry records the birth of Britain as a nation when we heroically lose a fight to the French. What should be on a new one?
SCOTTISH people from the higher social classes are inherently amusing due to their nasal accents and other factors, experts have announced.
LABOUR MPs have founded a private school themed around the working classes so their children can grow up knowing hardship, but safely.
Lifestyle
THOUSANDS of self-satisfied twats who ‘prefer to holiday in September’ are not looking quite so clever as they begin their second day at the airport.
WANT to take your influencer videos to the next level by completing your bucket list while balls-deep in your lady? Don’t. I tried and I botched all my life goals.
A MIDDLE-CLASS couple are still reeling after an electrician working on their home off-handedly compared the two luxury holidays he has so far taken this year.
IRONICALLY sprouting hair from new locations just as you’re going bald is a normal part of aging. Your barber now discreetly asks if you’d like these to be shaped.
A MAN has stressed that he is a modest chap with simple porn tastes.
PLAYING a guessing game about them is a great icebreaker with women at parties, probably. But bear these things in mind to avoid being told to f**k off instantly.
Relationships
A WOMAN whose boyfriend is sulking and refusing to speak to her is actually treating it as a lovely break from his wittering.
ON A date, but prefer to keep all that getting-to-know-each-other conversation to a minimum? Choosing these will make the evening as silent as a long marriage.
A MAN has been left confused by his wife turning down intercourse on the basis of not being ‘in the mood’, which is not an issue he has experienced.
COUPLED up? Time to irritate him with a wide selection of names you love and he abhors, not that it’s about to stop you calling him these.
CUDDLING all night without it turning sexual was a blissful way to spend time together, a man who frantically masturbated at 3am has told a new girlfriend.
FINALLY tempted someone off the apps to a real-life date, then spotted a genuine stunner across the bar? Use these tips to keep the one you have until you trade up.
Science & Technology
A GAMING franchise centred on enacting criminal violence against innocents seems to be so beautiful it could heal the world, fans believe.
THE abyss of an age verification check has gazed back at a man preparing to prove he is old enough to access pornography.
ONLYFANS has revolutionised the way lonely men abuse themselves to sickeningly specific fetishes while thinking a direct debit constitutes a relationship. Do these and earn back.
ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques.
A CRAP desk fan from Argos is questioning whether it has the fortitude to keep its owner cool through a fifth heatwave.
I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me.
Arts & Entertainment
THE Bayeux Tapestry is open to the public, but in truth you’re usually bored shitless at worthy exhibitions like this. Here’s how to pretend to be interested convincingly.
THE algorithm behind YouTube keeps stubbornly suggesting a man might like to watch things he was only watching ironically to sneer at.
A MAN is boycotting the new Harry Potter series on the grounds that he is far too old for it.
THE sardonic, frequently costumed cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch is still your unattainable ideal even today. Along with these niche crushes.
Celebrity
PRINCE George has confirmed he is relieved to be boarding at Eton because it is an escape from his loudly dysfunctional home life.
SPECULATION at to where Harry and Meghan will make their UK home is at fever pitch. Will it be the Cotswolds, or the north-eastern seaside town of Redcar? We assess.
TRIBUTES to feminist campaigner Gloria Steinem have highlighted that she was quite the looker back in the day.
ACTOR Michael Sheen wants the Royals to stop using the title ‘Prince of Wales’, and he certainly takes his Welsh identity seriously. Here he gives his advice on how to boost your Welshness.
Work
MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football.
MONEY is vulgar. We know you’re applying for this position because you believe you can maximise value for our shareholders. That’s why we prefer not to bring it up.
A MANAGER has reserved 30 minutes of a meeting to give his team a thorough briefing on his recent fortnight of seven-star luxury in the Dutch Antilles.
AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend.
FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.
Alcohol
DRINKERS under 40 are not managing to keep pace with their elders, leading to awkward round-buying and life-expectancy disparities.
MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.
THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these.
HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.
I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.
