The Daily Mash

God save our Queen

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 10:44:24 +0000

A YOUNG Queen Elizabeth poses with her pet roast chicken Malcolm in a rare photograph taken on the day of her coronation in 1952.

Britons face Bank Holiday starvation threat

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 09:46:49 +0000

SUPERMARKETS have been flooded by Britons worried they might run out of food and die over the Bank Holiday weekend.

Putin’s Olympics tickets on eBay

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 08:05:41 +0000

TICKETS for the London 2012 Olympics belonging to Russian president Vladimir Putin are available for purchase on eBay.

Prometheus lauded by stoner critics

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 07:42:04 +0000

RIDLEY Scott’s sci-fi epic Prometheus is the greatest film ever made, leading pothead reviewers have claimed.

Yay woo yay the Queen woo yay

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 07:41:40 +0000

WOO, the Queen yay woo, according to lots of people.

Jaguar owners voted most satisfied with themselves

Thu, 31 May 2012 10:22:17 +0000

British luxury car owners top smugness poll for 12th consecutive year.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Thu, 31 May 2012 08:33:38 +0000

Do you think it would be fair for me to return the surprise by shouting that I despise every last one of them?

Countdown to opening of jubilee biscuits begins

Thu, 31 May 2012 08:02:35 +0000

A BIG tin of biscuits bearing a stirringly patriotic design will be opened by the public in less than 72 hours.

Toyota creates world’s first emotionally needy car

Thu, 31 May 2012 07:49:40 +0000

TOYOTA'S new S900 has serious abandonment issues and if left alone for more than 90 minutes will crash itself in a bid for attention.

Moffat unveils all-nude Sherlock

Thu, 31 May 2012 07:35:43 +0000

THE next series of Sherlock will be filmed entirely in the nude, producer Steven Moffat has announced.

Gary Barlow trapped in Queen’s arse

Thu, 31 May 2012 07:23:09 +0000

SURGEONS are working to free Take That toady Gary Barlow after he became wedged inside the Queen.

Really wanting a kebab not an emergency, Britain told

Wed, 30 May 2012 09:36:11 +0000

BRITONS have been reminded that having a strong desire for spicy meat is not a reason to dial 999.

Benefits claimant admits subsistence income scam

Wed, 30 May 2012 08:29:10 +0000

AN unemployed man is scamming the taxpayer out of £67.50 a week, it has emerged.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Wed, 30 May 2012 08:00:07 +0000

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You've managed to ride out the recession thus far by using the simple expedient of having bugger-all money to begin with.

65% of UK population has been on Come Dine With Me

Wed, 30 May 2012 07:41:27 +0000

ALMOST two-thirds of British people have appeared on Channel 4's Come Dine With Me, it has emerged.

Annan decks Assad

Wed, 30 May 2012 07:08:43 +0000

KOFI Annan has floored Syria's President Bashar al-Assad with a single blow.

‘Keep Calm…’ posters actually intensely irritating

Tue, 29 May 2012 10:21:39 +0000

THE current glut of 'morale-boosting' posters and tat is having the opposite-to-intended effect, it has emerged.

‘I’ll give you my pasty when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers’

Tue, 29 May 2012 08:31:50 +0000

Ministers forced into humiliating climbdown by Britain's powerful pro-pasty lobby.

Man with Olympic tattoo publicly flayed

Tue, 29 May 2012 08:11:12 +0000

A 22-YEAR-OLD London man with an unauthorised tattoo of the Olympic rings has received a gruesome public punishment.

Women ‘have best sex surveys in their 20s’

Tue, 29 May 2012 08:06:11 +0000

WOMEN enjoy the best sex surveys of their lives in their 20s, according to new research.