ANDY Burnham must pass seven trials to become prime minister. These are they.

ANGELA Rayner is to make a dramatic entry into the Labour leadership race riding Wes Streeting as if he is a pig mount.

AN incriminating tax controversy means that Zack Polanski has got what it takes to be prime minister, the public believes. 

A LATE addition to the King’s Speech has the monarch listing a number of Labour MPs and cabinet members who ‘will henceforward be known as whiny little bitches’.

KEIR Starmer summoned the latest challenger to enter his hall of combat while drinking blood from a horn while seated on his throne of enemies’ skulls.

TRAVELLING first-class by train offers the priceless experience of being far better than one’s fellow man, a passenger has discovered.

A CRIMINAL taking delivery of £2 million in cash from a heist in order to launder it is wondering if he can keep the bag or bags it comes in.

NOBODY but a resident or a Reform candidate dreaming of an MP’s salary would ever visit, but these two-stall market towns have Tourist Information Centres anyway. Why?

A LONDON resident told housing outside the capital is readily available for less than half a million pounds has dismissed it as a provincial hoax.

THE conductor of a train from London to Manchester has enjoyed his sixth climax of the day by telling passengers their tickets are invalid.

IMAGES of attractive, stylish celebrities in the media are putting unreasonable pressure on men to make the effort to look half-decent.

LAUREN Hewitt and Josh Hudson have just bought a house outright aged 25. Can you work out the clever way they did it besides trivial money 'hacks'?

ALL that positive hantavirus publicity got you thinking of booking a cruise? Before you set sail like a carefree, oceangoing Zack Polanski, consider these reasons not to.

A FATHER’S ideal activity on a beautiful sunny day is taking his children to a series of industrial site and scrapyards so he can cheaply purchase a fuel pump housing.

A WOMAN who recently lost weight is now the subject of a race by her female friends to put it back on her as quickly as possible. 

SCOWLING landladies of unwelcoming bed-and-breakfasts at windswept British seaside resorts are looking forward to resenting you this summer.

A 26-YEAR-OLD woman who prides herself on not having one-night stands has instead unnecessarily kept one in her life for two-thirds of a year.

BLESS him for trying, but cunnilingus can drag on with no end in sight. Here is what's running through a woman’s mind when the dreaded erotic situation occurs.

YOU can never know what darkness lies in a male heart, not really. You can think you’ve got the full measure of it, then two years in he comes home with football stickers.

A WOMAN has confirmed that if her husband engages in any interaction with a woman, that women then becomes his girlfriend and is referred to as such.

DRINKING establishments are shuttering because men no longer mind being at home with their spouses, it has emerged.

UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on.

CAMERON, Ezra, Hector? 22 reasons why you’re emotionally dead and need therapy, Mark. Become size eight. A woman’s Notes app offers regrettable insights.

IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!

A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.

A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.

THE Eurovision Song Contest is a safe space away from any political leanings, which is why Ukraine beat Sam Ryder in 2022. How will you keep it that way?

EUPHORIA and Rivals are the biggest shows on TV right now, but why? Here are five potential reasons, all genital-based.

ARE you still bitter about the writers of a TV show you loved messing around with a perfect formula and ruining it? You may have been watching these.

WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide.

LATER this year, half an act that rode to fame on the popularity of lap-dancing will play UK arenas. Their combined age will be 137 but they hobble on regardless, as do these.

MASTURBATORY opportunities can present themselves at the strangest of times. Who would have thought these classic movies would contain dubious wanking material?

KEIR Starmer is so right to face down his massive unpopularity, as proved by these examples of people who bounced back from being hated to become the nation’s darlings.

A SWINDON woman is unsurprised that Vernon Kay and Tess Daly have separated, because 16 years ago he sent numerous explicit texts to a Page 3 stunner.

THE 12-year-old heir to the throne is moving to big school, but which educational establishment should we pay the fees for him to attend?

THE animal kingdom have clubbed together to get Sir David Attenborough a birthday greeting performed by a stripper, they have revealed. 

THE Princess of Wales has announced she is embarking on a solo trip to Italy where she intends to take a lover.

OUR monarch has done as he was told and performed a humiliating little show for president Trump. Which potentate who hates laws should he do it for next?

WONDERING if you're outstaying your welcome in your job? Look out for these telltale signs.

A TEAM of builders contracted to construct a home extension are disappointed to learn it is yet another bloody homeworker.

A GROUP of office workers who have requested their manager set out an orderly timetable for his resignation have been told to f**k off and do their jobs.

A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.