YOUR elderly parents have admitted they only voted for Brexit because they have been in the pay of Russia for 40 years, and your real surname is Denisovich.

ZACK Polanski is far from the first middle-class man mortified by his plumber being far more successful than he is, voters have assured him.

THE Conservatives’ vote-winning policy of abolishing inheritance tax has only a single flaw, which is that very, very few people will ever pay it.

THE Tories and Reform are competing for right-wing voters, with Restore potentially poaching some as well. Here are the factors you should consider when making your choice.

THOSE French students rioting in the streets? That’s limbs, man. And we’re going to do the same because they’re right, school is boring and shit.

BOUGHT a diesel car seven years ago, for fuel efficiency? Now being gouged at the pumps? Turn the crisis to your advantage by skipping out on these events.

MEETING someone new and middle-class? They may assume, seeing you in your Reiss blazer, that you’re just like them when actually you’re better. Drop in these class markers.

US politicians who could never understand how routinely farcical everyday life in the UK is are still insisting they know who the bad guys are.

WHAT’S in a name? Well, if given to a child it can forever determine their position at the bottom end of Britain’s hierarchy. There will be no social climbing for these.

AN old-fashioned time piece is shamelessly showing off its incredibly sexy, curvaceous figure for all to see.

OLDER men looking to attract younger women have leapt onto the fake nipple trend and are wearing as many as 18 per outfit.

A MAN who attempted to chat up a woman in a dog park has been outed as a loather of dogs pretty much immediately.

AN 18-year-old beginning his second week at university has already found the person who he will be desperate to avoid all the way until graduation.

I WAS all ready for the school run. Miu Miu coat. Mulberry bag. Devastating list of my children’s achievements. Then nothing happened, because I’m in Warrington.

A MAN is pining for the days of tastefully shot softcore porn that did not feature stepmoms or being stuck in washing machines.

A WOMAN has been presented with a seemingly spontaneous bouquet by her boyfriend. What has he done? Grace Wood-Morris investigates.

A WOMAN has hilariously given her boyfriend the illusion of choice while deciding which restaurant to eat at.

A THREESOME has been thrown into crisis after it became apparent that one member of the trio was contributing significantly less than the other two.

A TEENAGER has been charged with attempting to shag a Shetland pony near Huddersfield. Let’s hope it doesn’t become a Gen Z dating trend, because the following will happen.

IN brand new loved-up relationships there are plenty of events that can be turned into soppy pseudo-anniversaries. Try not to gag at these.

A MIDDLE-AGED man who wants a girlfriend in her 20s realises it is possible but she is unlikely to be the finest physical specimen.

SO, all this brown stuff just plopped out of my bottom and into the toilet. What should I do next?

CYBER criminals are threatening to tell M&S all about your secret addiction to buying cheap fast fashion from ASOS.

CELEBRITY Traitors contestant Hannah Fry is not only intelligent, but in a maths way. If you want to stand a chance with her you need to excel at science. Do any of these.

MOTHERING a child causes certain biological changes, among them being able to discern what is real and what is generative AI. Mum’s sent you these five just to double-check.

HI-TECH eyewear used to film women without their knowledge is unfairly besmirching normal bespectacled peepers and voyeurs, it has emerged.

AI. Everyone wants it but America has it, and they also have the best safety system in existence to make sure it can never harm anyone: me. This is how I do it.

THE idea of Hannah Fry being a good girl gone bad has pushed the sexual urges of middle-aged men to breaking point.

HE has accompanied you to the cinema to watch an adaptation of a Jane Austen book which does not even have corsets in it. This is what is going through his head.

ON Antiques Roadshow? You’re expecting life-changing amounts of money, don’t lie. These are the disappointments we savour when it’s worth nothing but YouTube views.

THE BBC has sarcastically laid into Richard E Grant for ruining their only show that people actually watch.

THE intrigue is merely a distraction from the couples you’ll be imagining getting together on Celebrity Traitors tonight. Here are some matches that will definitely work.

NOEL is resigned to the ruling. Liam is fully in denial that anything bad will happen. If we leverage this Manchester City decision right, we can break up Oasis.

SO the police were wrong to search my home, eh? That means I’m innocent, and if you’re innocent of one thing you’re innocent of other things. That’s just how the law works.

OLIVIA Colman appeared in the Miu Miu show at Paris Fashion Week and made it perfectly clear it is one more f**king chore to get through. Here’s how to get that look.

A MAN looking at photos of Prince Harry at a Ukraine gala and Prince William at a charity ball cannot for the life of him tell which is the genuine working Royal.

THE career of Dame Esther Rantzen, taking in as it did creating Childline while waving penis-shaped parsnips, has proved difficult to explain to younger generations.

THROW a rock at your television and you’ll almost certainly hit someone wrong, but it takes a special set of skills to be right and still invite masonry-pitchers. Like these six.

PALOMA Faith says ‘Free Palestine!’ when she tucks her children up at night, ensuring they will grow up to become Tories. How are you being a smug left-wing parent?

A TWO-HOUR Monday morning meeting has ended with all participants drained, shaken and unable to explain what went on.

BRITAIN ain’t what it used to be, mate. You can’t get a GP appointment, the bin collections are fortnightly and you can’t get a decent job without being ‘fired’ for ‘fraudulent expenses’.

HOT people may be pleasant to look at, but that does not entitle them to work in any job they like. In fact they’re best banned from these roles:

BORED at work? Have you considered hating one of, or all of, your co-workers for reasons they would consider petty but you call unforgivable? This should get you started.

EXPERIENCED Munich’s festival of outdoor beer-swilling and keen to attract similar drunken overspending to your provincial piss-pot parish? Go ahead.

A WELL-STOCKED city watering hole is ready to cater to the needs of drinkers who want to choose from up to 28 differently-named 4.5 per cent IPAs with citrus notes.

STUDENTS newly arriving at university have hit the bars to drink away their fears about already owing tens of thousands of pounds.

DRINKERS under 40 are not managing to keep pace with their elders, leading to awkward round-buying and life-expectancy disparities.

MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.

THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these.