LONDON –

Speaking to reporters from behind the makeshift barricade he has erected in his living room, McGregor said he felt like he could live with his new neighbours’ bloodthirsty and monomaniacal nature if only they weren’t all so insufferably boring.

“It’s just that they have so little to say for themselves,” McGregor said. “Between you and me, it’s almost enough to make me want to take a chainsaw to the whole shambling mass of them.”

He continued: “Normally, my attitude is live and let live. But these zombies aren’t even really alive, are they? So, you know, it’s difficult.”

McGregor complained that he has to run the gauntlet of the ravening, boorish horde every weekday on his commute to and home from work.

“I’ll be trying to get to my car and there’ll be twenty or thirty of them clustered around me, moaning and groaning to themselves, practically clambering over one another to get at my internal organs”, he said. “I literally have to fight them off with my briefcase.”

McGregor told us that things rarely improve even when he reaches the relative safety of his office.

“I’ve always tried to keep things on a professional level at work,” he said. “But it’s hard to stay focussed on the job when Mark from Accounts and Jenny from Marketing are salivating at you over the partition wall.

Nothing gets done anymore. In meetings it’s a real struggle to get everyone to stick to the agenda. They keep getting up out of their chairs, stumbling towards me, pawing at my body and trying to take a bite out of my face. I usually have to give up on the whole thing and leave the room. Honestly, most days I get so bored I could scream.”

Depressingly, even family members appear to be succumbing to this scourge of tediousness as the zombie infection spreads.

McGregor explained that on Sunday evening he had telephoned his mother for their weekly catch-up: “We were just chatting away and I was enjoying having a normal conversation for once. Suddenly there was the sound of breaking glass and then a brief, bloodcurdling yell. After that, all Mum could say was ‘Brains! Brains! I want to eat your brrraaaiiinnnssssss!’ And I just thought, ‘Oh, God. Not you as well!’”

McGregor said it took a further twenty minutes to get his mother off the phone.

Throughout the interview, McGregor was insistent that he had nothing against zombies per se. But he did admit that the growing ranks of the undead in the local area had made him seriously consider moving somewhere else.

“I heard the zombies haven’t made it as far as Birmingham,” he said. “But I’m not sure I can stomach the thought of moving that far north”.

Both guilds say they have been inundated with complaints from members who have become confused in the heat of battle and lost valuable XP.

“We had one sorcerer only 95XP away from reaching Level 4 who became totally confused whilst fighting a particularly tough boss,” said Wizard Guild spokesman Oldbeard Pointy-Hat.

“He had been using an effective combination of crowd control spells and buffs, but they were draining mana like crazy. With his main buff about to expire he needed to quickly top up his mana, so he did what any wizard would do in that situation – he spammed those blue bottles. The next thing he knows, he’s standing there trying to cast his spell but nothing happens. Of course, the boss then charges in and starts doing some major damage. Our member has very few Hit Points due to a glandular problem, and so he was in serious trouble straight away. So what does he do? He necks some red potions, only for nothing to happen again.”

He went on: “Needless to say, the fight did not end well. He should be a good earner, a Level 5 Wizard, but instead he’s dropped to Level 3. He has a family to feed and we believe the alchemist is to blame. You can’t ignore years of color coding tradition.”

The Wizards Guild was not the first to contact The Daily Pixel, and Warrior Guild representatives are reported to be “very angry”.

Even NPCs have begun to criticise the alchemist, claiming that some of the food products on sale at the store are of a poor quality.

Random Villager said: “I got hurt when an adventurer cast an area of effect offensive spell during a low level goblin attack. I didn’t want to get the guard involved so the adventurer agreed to buy me some food from the shop in way of an apology. However, I ate the food and nothing happened! I didn’t regain any lost HP, there was no improved rate of healing, not even a morality meter alteration! It really annoyed me as I went for a vegetarian option to be healthy but, as far as I could tell, there were no statistical benefit to eating the food. Sure, it tasted nice and I stopped being hungry, but there was no tangible benefit to that carrot whatsoever.”

However, alchemist and store owner Alotta Coin insists customers should not expect anything else from her goods.

She said: “The healing potions are blue because they are mostly water – the purest and healthiest substance known to man. Why should the colour blue have anything magical about it? And red has always represented power and danger – and what could be more dangerous than a fully-powered wizard about to bring flaming death down upon on a crowd of enemies?”

Ms Coin also stated that it was preposterous to think that consuming any type of food product would bring about an immediate improvement in health, let alone cure life-threatening injuries.

Private James Morris knows he has legs, he just can't see them.

Private James Morris had always considered himself to be a pretty ordinary soldier, spending most of his time mixed up in absurd international conspiracies and participating in wild snowmobile gunfights.

However, the 21-year-old’s life was turned upside-down when he discovered that he was unable to see his own legs, no matter how hard he looked. Despite assurances from his colleagues that he does indeed have legs, Morris has struggled to cope with his peculiar visual impairment.

Speaking exclusively to The Daily Pixel, the young soldier explains how his inability to see his legs – of which he has two – has affected his life and career.

“When I first realised I couldn’t see my legs it was quite a shock”, Morris says, staring despondently at the space where he believes his legs to be. “At first I thought I’d sustained some sort of terrible injury, but I soon realised that I could still move forwards, backwards and, most importantly, side to side. I guess I’m fortunate that I still technically have my legs, but I sure wish I could see them”.

Asked whether his condition had affected his performance on the battlefield, Morris sighs.

“It’s been a nightmare”, he says, his voice breaking a little. “On one occasion I deployed wearing nothing but a pair of pink fluffy slippers and my girlfriend’s thong. That’s not the sort of thing the lads let you forget in a hurry. Fortunately I can still see my arms, but if they disappear I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Dr Victoria Brown, a psychiatrist treating Morris, explains that the inability to see ones own legs is a common problem for soldiers.

“We’re not sure what causes it, but an alarming number of servicemen and women are simply incapable of viewing their legs”, she says. “They know they have legs because they can always hear their footsteps, but they just can’t see them.”

“It’s a very frustrating condition for the individual affected because everyone can see their legs, except them”, she adds.

Whilst there is no known cure for the condition, Private Morris is determined not to let it prevent him rising through the ranks.

“At the moment I’m only a Private 1st Class II, but if I can kill a few more people I’ll become a Specialist”, he says excitedly, oblivious to his flailing legs. “I’m not going to let my legs hold me back and if I work hard I can probably become a Commander within a few days”.

Witnesses claim that the driver began his potentially deadly circuit shortly after losing pole position to a Ferrari 458 Italia ’09. Infuriated at having to compete against such an overpowered car, it is believed that the driver decided to take revenge.

“He’d been in pole position for pretty much the whole race”, said one lady, still shaking from the carnage she’d witnessed. “However, on the final corner the Ferrari came out of nowhere and went shooting past him, taking first place. Initially he just sat there in disbelief, but then he got angry… real angry, turned his car around and started driving the wrong way around the track.”

Over the course of the next few minutes the furious driver crashed head-on with 13 other cars, often at combined speeds of over 200mph. Spectators could only watch in horror as the vehicles received catastrophic superficial damage, including scratched paintwork and slightly crumpled hoods.

“I’ve never seen damage like it”, said one two-dimensional spectator. “Whole bumpers looked like they could fall off at any minute and the performance of the cars was even slightly reduced. I don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to get these horrific images out of my head.”

Event organisers have dismissed claims that they did not do enough to stop the mayhem by allowing the race to continue.

“If we had to stop races every time someone decided to drive around the track the wrong way we’d never finish an event”, said a spokesman. “The important thing to remember is that no one got hurt and the damage to the cars, whilst shocking, is all easily repairable”.

The driver of the Alfa Romeo has so far not been named but is not expected to face any legal action.

The brave warrior had initially made good progress preparing for his epic journey, promptly choosing a suitably heroic name, class and preferred style of facial hair. However, when asked by his hairdresser what he wanted to do with his hair, he was unable to decide.

Such delays have become commonplace in recent years, with fashion-conscious heroes placing more and more emphasis on getting the “right look” before embarking on daring expeditions.

Speaking from his favourite hair salon, the virtuous hero explains his dilemma.

“When I came in I was pretty sure I was going to go with the standard black mop-top”, he says with a sigh. “But then I saw all the options available and now I just can’t make my mind up.”

The courageous everyman proceeds to pick up a nearby celebrity magazine and flick through the pages, pointing out all the different hairstyles on offer.

“At one point I was ready to commit to a ponytail, but I started to worry it might distract from my manliness. At the moment I’m thinking about shaving the whole lot off, but I’m wary it’ll draw attention to my rather large forehead and the fact that my eyes are probably a little bit too close together. You can say it… they are, aren’t they?”

At this point the gallant knight starts to sob uncontrollably and asks us to leave.

However, residents of the mystical land who were expecting to be liberated are unsympathetic.

“People are dying out here” screams one local innkeeper as he is pursued by an undead skeleton duel-wielding a pair of large curved swords. “Who cares what hairstyle he chooses, he’ll be wearing a helmet most of the time anyway. I can’t believe he’s spending so much time worrying about it!”

Residents also fear that the hero’s decision to delay his adventure will hurt the region’s economy, with unsold potions, spells and weaponry already gathering dust in local shops.

“To be honest, we’re completely reliant the passing trade of heroes and adventurers”, says a local weapon dealer. “None of the local folk are interested in my products because they know it’s all overpriced tourist crap. This guy’s selfish decision to postpone his quest is really going to hurt businesses around here”.

As we go to press the hero remains undecided on his hairstyle and, according to sources, has started to doubt his own motives for undertaking such an arduous and dangerous mission.

It follows a spate of murders on the streets of Tokyo’s notorious Kamurocho district that has also seen a 450% rise in the number of potted-plant-based assaults and a 137% increase in umbrella-related attacks.

Detective Makoto Date told The Daily Pixel: “In the wrong hands, objects such as plastic crates, golf clubs and even fish can be lethal weapons and these new laws will help protect law-abiding citizens”.

But traders are furious and say “lazy” police are putting them out of business.

Mr Tanaka, a worker at Don Quixote discount store, said: “If the police did their job properly these crazy new laws wouldn’t be needed. Anyway, they are ignoring the positives in all of this.”

Asked to clarify what positives he was referring to, Mr Tanaka said: “Sure it’s horrible to read about yet another innocent man being beaten to death with a flag pole, but since this style of attack became popular with gangs, gun crime is virtually unheard of. Plus, a lot of stock which we couldn’t give away a year ago now sells for a good price. It used to be that you’d laugh if you saw someone walking through Kamurocho wearing chainmail, but now the joke’s on you if you’re unprepared and someone breaks your spine with a bicycle wheel.”

In related news, Kamurocho police are also on the hunt for a litter bug who has been scattering locker keys around the district. The keys open public lockers, which almost always contain an energy drink.

A police spokesman said: “We believe this may be a PR stunt by the energy drink makers and urge them to cease this promotion or face possible legal action.”

Business analysts fear that Skyrim’s feudal economy is essentially paralysed, with farmers, blacksmiths, alchemist and woodcutters claiming that the chronic lack of time is severely limiting productivity. Serious sleep and anxiety disorders are also reported to be on the rise.

Unlike Earth’s 24-hour rotation, the planet of Nirn, on which Skyrim is located, makes a full revolution on its spin axis in just 72 minutes.

Faced with such an absurdly short day-night cycle, Skyrim residents are reported to be in a constant state of panic as they attempt to squeeze all of life’s chores into the precious daylight minutes.

Speaking to The Daily Pixel, Kragor the Fearless, a professional woodcutter who lives in the small town of Riverwood, explains how the lack of time makes his job almost impossible.

“I get up in the morning and it’s a mad rush to get ready”, he says. “It’s got to the point where I just sleep fully clothed so I don’t have to waste valuable seconds changing the next day. I haven’t brushed my teeth or had a bath in months and I f**king stink!”

Kragor glances at his watch, tapping his foot anxiously.

He continues: “Once I’m up I grab a leg of goat for breakfast and eat it as I run across town to my chopping block. I get pretty frustrated because despite clearly being in a hurry people always insist on making conversation with me. I regularly end up surrounded by random townsfolk who tell me long drawn out stories about local mythology. Some cheeky bastards even ask me to carry out errands for them because, like me, they don’t have enough time.”

“When I finally get to my chopping block the Sun’s normally high in the sky and I’m a nervous wreck. A few times I’ve accidently left my woodcutters axe at home and had to run back to get it. You’d think that any old axe would do, but I’ve tried hundreds of other types of axes and swords and they’re all simply incapable of cutting wood. What’s up with that?”

Kragor tells us that he spends the next few minutes of his day frantically cutting wood before selling it to the local mill. He returns to his log cabin as the Sun dips below the horrizon, with just enough time to eat a bowl of clam meat and drown his sorrows in a bottle of Nord Mead.

Local mages are said to me looking for a magical solution to the problem but have so far only succeeded in setting themselves on fire.

Freeman, who is believed to be taking a break from liberating Earth from the brutal rule of the Combine, has so far remained silent. However, friends of the aloof scientist claim he has learnt from his previous mistakes and is ready to move on with his life.

As head of particle physics, Freeman is now directly responsible for the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), a powerful and complicated machine designed to smash together protons at super-fast speeds in a bid to unlock the secrets of the Universe.

Commencing operation in 2009 the LHC has not, as some predicted, inadvertently created a mini-black hole or turned the Earth inside out. However, critics fear that Freeman’s appointment will significantly increase the risk of a cataclysmic quantum event, with inter-dimensional portals and resonance cascades being of particular concern.

Dr Adrian Kent, a theoretical physicist at the University of Cambridge, has been vocal is his disapproval of Freeman’s appointment.

“This man can’t be trusted with lumps of crystal, let alone the LHC”, Dr Kent barks angrily. “He’s still not finished clearing up the mess he made over at Black Mesa all those years ago, and now he’s being let loose on the largest and most dangerous experiment humankind has ever undertaken.”

Dr Kent is of course referring to the Black Mesa incident, an event which saw Freeman unintentionally allow the Combine – our merciful masters to whom we are eternally grateful – to enslave Earth.

However, Dr Isaac Kleiner, a close friend and former colleague of Freeman, claims that the appointment poses no threat to the remnants of humanity.

“It’s easy to focus on the unimaginable suffering Freeman has caused, the millions that have perished because of his actions, but everyone makes mistakes”, Dr Kleiner says, before screaming and running around the room for no apparent reason. “What we should remember is how hard Gordon has tried to put things right and the sacrifices he has made to do so.”

Asked whether Freeman has any plans to finally rid Earth of the Combine after years of seemingly little progress, Dr Kleiner stuffs an entire cupcake into his mouth and claims to be unable to speak.

A statement carried on the CERN website stated that they had just suffered a system crash but were looking forward to holding a press conference to discuss the appointment and address concerns.

Police were called in the early hours of Friday to the incident outside a local bar where they discovered David Frederick, 28, lying face-down on the pavement, bleeding heavily. Witnesses claim that Mr Frederick had stood completely motionless whilst a number of men had taken it in turns to punch, kick and stab him.

Mr Frederick has been taken to a nearby inn where he is attempting to sleep off his life-threatening injuries.

It is believed the fight broke out after Mr Frederick became embroiled in an argument with the group of men. Realising that he was outnumbered, it is thought that Mr Frederick initiated a turn-based battle in a bid to out-strategise his drunken opponents.

Unfortunately for Mr Frederick, witnesses claim he inadvertently used his first move to answer a call from his girlfriend, subsequently leaving him open to a series of eye-wateringly brutal attacks.

“He realised his mistake instantly”, said one man who asked not to be named. “He was really pissed with his girlfriend for calling him, but he shouldn’t have answered.”

Deputy Chief Constable Ian Hopkins of Greater Manchester Police told The Daily Pixel that turn-based bar fighting was on the rise, with some incidents spanning several days as fighters became increasingly strategic.

“Whereas most bar fights used to be scrappy, real-time affairs, we’ve seen a much more mature and thoughtful approach to drunken violence in recent years”, said Hopkins. “However, as this latest incident demonstrates, turn-based strategic combat is dangerous and we will come down heavily on anyone we catch engaging in such anti-social behaviour.”

Greater Manchester Police have cordoned off the scene to carry out further investigations although no arrests have so far been made.

The town, which is nestled deep in the heart of the Cotswolds, has been dealing with a spate of identical attacks during which an unknown perpetrator forces their way into homes, picks up pieces of the owners pottery or stoneware, raises them above his head and smashes them on the ground.

The reports are made all the more strange by the way the attacker is said to dress, apparently sporting a green tunic, pointed hat and skirt, leading many to believe that the criminal is a transvestite.

The Daily Pixel spoke to Marie-Anne Dalton who is the latest in a string of victims to have been targeted.

“He just came bursting in through the door” said Mrs Dalton, who has been visibly traumatised by the affair. “He walked straight past me as if I wasn’t there and went straight for my prized collection of perfectly rounded, light blue clay pots and just started throwing them at the wall!”

But the bewildered coot’s nightmare didn’t end there.

“Afterwards he just came over and stared at me. I asked him what he wanted and he wouldn’t move until I screamed at him to get out!”

It was after this that the attacker finally left the house through the front door.

Gloucestershire Police have partially placed blame on the fact that houses in Cirencester don’t have locks on their front doors, a proud tradition that has been in existence for decades.

Police are investigating possible links between this spate of vandalism and the death of a number of chickens three months ago. Witnesses stated that the birds appeared to have been beaten to death with a stick.