The Darkness Within

2017-06-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Anyway, I moved apartments after that fiasco and got royally screwed when I ended up paying the security deposit and most of the rent. I knew I'd be leaving Issaquah for good for a while. I didn't know when....But up until two weeks prior I had a guilty conscience because I hadn't been able to tell my best friend I was moving or give her more heads up.

I have felt guilty for not telling her many things... or how I left things when I moved.... There's no greater disrespect than hiding the things I didn't tell her until now. I regret that.. I have lots of regrets in life and many things I cannot take back anymore. I can only move forward from it and try to right my wrongs.

That Summer...

2017-06-29T01:39:00.001-07:00

I fell in love and I admittedly fucked up by not breaking it off with my ex sooner otherwise I don't think me falling hard for my friend would have been that big of a deal. I admit that some shit I did was shady as fuck. I was hoping I wouldn't feel the way I do towards her but there's little you can stop the heart from doing. My best friend is my home regardless of reciprocation of the feelings. But also that summer brought on something that still haunts me to this day.

My stupidity for absolutely drinking so much that summer fucked me over. Of course my dumb ass decided to drink and well there is a part of me that will never forget. The summer tightened the bond we had. A bond that will never really be severed no matter how much being away from my best friend hurts me so much. But part of me had to leave Issaquah for my sanity. I can't be as close to her for fear she will forget me when I need my best friend again...

The Big Move and a Lot More Fucking Trouble Ahead

2017-06-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

So commencing a talk we both agreed to move to Issaquah and start over. Now in retrospective it would have been a lot easier to just leave her here and go on my way. It is what it is.

As soon as we had made it there the shit hit the fan as soon as summer hit and I met more new coworkers. Needless to say every time I would even get a text from a certain coworker I would get yelled at and then later forced on and told to take it again. But no one will ever know that other than the world now.

More trouble ....

2017-06-27T22:53:00.004-07:00

After graduation I found myself a steady girlfriend. Though that lasted very small amounts of time before it went downhill from there. One night she and I got in such a gigantic fight she'd slapped me and that's where I should have ended it there but then there after she pinned me down and told me to take it and she'd stay. I didn't want to tell anyone what happened but then we tried to get through it and I just took it. No matter whether I said no or not.

Highschool

2017-06-27T22:53:00.001-07:00

Throughout high school I tried to diligently but rebelliously do homework. Now my mother was someone who thought that it was her way or no way. There was no other way in which I could just be me. As much as she tried to encourage me doing things...They were all her ideas and nothing but the suggested idea was allowed. After having a complete meltdown on her close to the end of my freshman year she sent me away to a inpatient treatments facility because I was depressed. Though the temper I had I found out was due to a very terribly prescribed duo of medicines which caused me to be extra touchy and temperamental.

Following this treatment and alteration to my path I was currently taking. I took away some powerful allies there. Some who I talked to with daily and still touch base from time to time. My mother was jealous of those who I talked to more than her. Given my age I still talk to my closest friends more than I do parents. But especially at that time was I avoiding my mothers third degree. She felt that those people I met who understood what it's like to not want to live were bad influences. That they hindered me. In fact she was wrong. They motivated/motivate me to keep going no matter what's going on in my life at any given time. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of fucked up shit happen to me.

I've been raped and I've been physically/emotionally abused by many people in my life. I will not say who. I will not divulge that but later in my posts I will go into more depth of what happened.

I have been hit for telling the truth and for lying so what difference was it whether I lied.

I also was beaten down to submission in many aspects in life but however I have built myself to be a dominant. No matter what's going on I try to make myself a dominant in most aspects.

More about my mother in high school, she sent me to camp starting in 8th grade. I went as a regular camper the first year and the following two years as a GEAR.

GEARs was the best two summers of my life of high school. I also made friends there. They've know me since my transitional year and they made my summer and birthdays wonderful. However after returning from GEARs in a day break to wash clothes and whatnot my mother and I had an argument on my birthday because I wanted to see my dad too. Which isn't a crime last time I checked. And up until this point I was being good because my mom had been diagnosed with stage IV cancer and had five years to live. But she was trying to refuse me of seeing my dad on my birthday because she never really let me see him.....

When I got back from week 2 of GEARs I tried to call her four times.....

When I arrived at the house I found the door unlocked which is why I knew something had happened.... Then I found the table cleared and a pile of papers for me......
Then I saw her body and how she'd done it.

So thereafter was the great debate whether I get a boundary exception or transfer high schools. So we all moved down to Portland with my dad and his at the time girlfriend.
I commenced going to high school and soon graduated from there along the way though I had a friend do me wrong. She tried to rape me while I was asleep....

The Divorce

2017-06-27T21:34:00.001-07:00

Literally the stupidest argument happened when they decided to separate and of course this being a family dispute cops were involved. My mothers abuse worsened. No one would listen and nor would I make a meek attempt to say anything because in my mind me taking myself away from her would have been the end of her right then and there. It would have killed her faster than I could even pretend it would.After that it was downhill from there. My mother argued over me and pulled so many strings to keep me away from my father that I got tired and depressed of her saying that I couldn't go see my dad. She coerced me into lying to the judge and made me feel guilty if I wasn't going to. I've never told my father this because god knows what else would happen....

Where the journey began.....

2017-06-27T21:25:00.001-07:00

I personally believe that my journey began the day my mother started drinking. Only retrospectively did I understand what this situation was. At first it was just a harmless glass of wine with dinner. That's great and all but when it becomes an argument that she's over drunk almost daily it becomes a greater concern. She drank because my father was unfaithful many times to her. She drank because she believed me to be an unfit daughter but it really accelerated when my parents divorce happened.

A Little Background

2017-06-27T21:13:00.001-07:00

My name is Keona Bazala. I come from some very fucked up background. I apologize in advance if you are offended by anything I say on this blog. In future posts I will change names for confidentiality reasons. This is my journey being told in real life about what obstacles I have over come. I will post each thing here after in chronological order. So to begin with I personally have had a journey in life in which no one should go through.