You know that thing you know about men, that we hate shopping? We don't, we are just better at it than women and so dislike the inferior experience created by our girlfriends. Many a lovely afternoon is wasted looking at the person you love turn into someone you don't, five minutes after they enter River Island. Whilst there are plenty of things to criticise men for, our attitude to shopping isn't one of them, this isn't our fault, and if you have ever found yourself on a shopping trip with a man who is hating the experience, then I guarantee you were breaking one, if not all, of the following rules. Please send this to the woman of the world, I really want to enjoy shopping with you people, you just make it so hard.

Rule One: Prioritise the Man Not the Shopping Trip

This is the key to everything. If the shopping trip is more important than spending time with the man you are with, then go by yourself. You want his opinion on a dress? Buy it, and take it back if he doesn't like it. The pattern that all shopping trips seem to fall into is that the business of buying things immediately becomes far more important than your boyfriend's happiness, and this is simply unacceptable in any balanced relationship.

Rule Two: Don't Expect Him To Carry Anything

You know that feeling you get when a guy invites you round, has sex with you, and spends the rest of the date watching tv and not talking? Men have an equivalent feeling when in shops. Of course he should carry your bags, of course he probably will, but don't expect it, it makes us feel like it's the only reason you brought us, and nothing makes someone feel more used than than exploiting their wanting-to-please attitude and physical attributes. Your boyfriend is a loved one, not an employee, and just because he is a man doesn't mean he likes carrying stuff anymore than you do. I hate carrying stuff. Stop making me.

Rule Three: Don't Make the Other Women in the Shop Look Like Better Girlfriends than You

There is a moment in every shopping trip where a particular item is lovely, but not available in your size. Detached from this moment I am sure you can see that the best thing to do is to have some perspective and let it go. This has never been the action any woman I've been shopping with has chosen to take. Don't wait ten minutes for the shop assistant to check out the back, don't run across London to another store which has it, and don't make out that obtaining this item is suddenly the most important ambition of your life.

One thing is certain when shopping, you will love things that aren't available, it's what makes shopping addictive. Know that in the moment you lose perspective, your boyfriend is looking around the shop at the unending amount of attractive, seemingly calm women and wishing he was going out with them instead. Your pursuit of a better coat, inspires our pursuit of a better girlfriend, and whilst this may be unpalatable, try standing in a room full of attractive men while your boyfriend displays behaviour you dislike. Your mind will wander, and quickly.

Rule Four: "Let's go" means "I need to go"

In man culture it is generally understood that keeping a woman somewhere against her will is a bad thing. This doesn't seem to be something that has been picked up in female culture. When a man says "let's go", he is communicating that he has had his fill of that shop. You will think that he hasn't spent long enough in the shop, you will tell him this, you will suggest that you need more time, or completely ignore him altogether, but he is telling you he doesn't want to be there, and if you were to say the same to him in any other situation, you would want and expect him to listen. It comes back to rule one, prioritise the experience of spending time together and not the shopping trip. If he wants to leave, leave, and expect the same standard in return.

Rule Five: Reward him frequently

If your date suggests you get a coffee, stop what you are doing and go for a coffee. Don't say, "okay, in five minutes", don't say, "I'll just try this on first", just stop what you are doing and go for a coffee. It is not a big ask. The second predominant emotion men experience whilst shopping (after feeling used), is ignored. From a woman's point of view, arguments seem to blow up out of nowhere, from a man's, he has been telling his girlfriend for the last hour exactly what he needs to happen to enjoy the shopping trip. As a woman on a shopping trip make a habit of saying things like:

"Want me to buy you a hot chocolate?"

This highlights another point. As a man, generally you expect to pay for more meals and coffees than your girlfriend does. However, if every time you go shopping your boyfriend has to buy lunch and drinks throughout the day, he will start resenting the trips before he has even got there. You want him to enjoy shopping with you, so during the day, be the one who pays for food and drinks more.

Rule Six: If it's crowded, go and do something else

No one enjoys spending their day off waiting in line, but sometimes you have to. However, if you don't have to, but the person who is meant to love you is forcing you to, then it starts to feel like they are ruining your life, because they are. If circumstances make the shopping trip unpleasant then stop shopping. The truth about any relationship is, if you spend twelve hours in each other's company and don't enjoy most of them, then you will start to question, quite rightly, whether you should be together at all. If every Saturday you are enduring terrible shopping trips then a break up is the natural and immediate consequence.

Conclusion

I solemnly swear that if anyone I ever date is able to follow these rules, I will go shopping with them whenever they like, and I will enjoy every second. I will wait outside changing rooms happily and when surrounded by beautiful women trying on flattering clothes I will feel nothing other than lucky to be with the person I am with. The ability to shop together is the highest form of compatibility and whilst it takes effort on both sides, it is mainly down to you, the woman.

£

Buying a £1500 laptop with retina display in favour of a holiday had sparked what would be their final argument. It wasn't the cause of it, but the excuse she was looking for. Suddenly, and without much of an awareness of how he had got there, he found himself facing the thing he feared the most in the world, he had lost her. She had not died, or moved away, she had found someone else, someone better. In the darkness of his room, for weeks on end, he sat, tracking her social media feeds. Every ten minutes pressing refresh to see the latest happy pictures of her, and a better him, living the life he had always meant to but never did, which, thanks to his new retina screen, was brought directly to his bedroom in vivid HD. Five million pixels, and everyone of them hurt.

The period in between splitting up with someone and becoming a normal human being again goes in stages, and all of them are accompanied by you telling everyone you are fine. Pain is followed by sadness, then a general feeling of weirdness about the situation, then apathy. There are plenty of break ups you will never feel happy about, but in time, you will feel nothing. At every stage of this process, watching David Attenborough's documentaries helps. When friends were heartbroken, I used to take them to clubs, introduce them to Americans, now I just sign them up to a LoveFilm free month and tell them to watch everything with an Attenborough voice over. There is no heartbreak that can survive watching Japanese Snow Monkeys take a hot bath in Life (episode 10), or the Polar Bear cubs learning to walk in Frozen Planet (episode two), or just about any five minutes of Planet Earth. It reminds me, not only that there is a world of beautiful things to be seen, but also that there is a world of beautiful people, waiting to show it to you.

The difficulty of doing this is a date is cuddling whilst watching David Attenborough documentaries makes you fall in love. If the person you do this with then breaks your heart you lose the option of recovering by watching David Attenborough documentaries, as it will just remind you of them. Perform an emotional risk assessment and in the event of deciding the benefit outweighs the potential damage then text the person you want to hug:

Have you ever watched Planet Earth?

Any reply gets:

 

I'm watching it now, come over x

Buy some Camembert, preheat your oven to 180ºCish or Gas Mark 4, and dress like it's nap time. The lifestyle you are selling is this-could-be-our-life.

First Five Minutes

Half the success of this date can be attributed to the food, but don't mention it in advance. Before they arrive have everything done. There is a lot of talk about how to bake Camembert. Jamie Oliver (link here) recommends cutting the top off and sticking in some garlic, but in my experience removing the plastic, scoring the top and baking it in its wooden box is amazing as is. Make sure you have runny honey, walnuts, crusty bread, dried cranberries, figs, chopped raw veg of your choice and chutney all ready to go on a wooden board, also good wine. Wait until the doorbell rings and stick it in the oven. If they ask what's cooking, tell them cheese, don't elaborate . Also, if you're not LoveFilming it, amazon some boxsets in advance.

The Date

My flat is always freezing, unintentionally. It sounds kind of creepy to advise lowering the temperature of your flat before a date at home, but if it happens to be cold then it provides a good excuse to sit under a nice smelling duvet with your back to the radiator. Line up the first episode of Planet Earth, produce the amazing food you have ready as if it's nothing, dip stuff in cheese, drink wine, get as close to each other as is feasibly possible and enjoy, this is the best experience you can share with someone that requires almost no effort. This isn't the kind of date that leads to sex, cheese is distinctly unsexy, but it does lead to sleep, and closeness and a sense that you will be married soon. Cuddle a bit, kiss a bit, and if you fall asleep together you will know the two of you are meant to be.

What to talk about if conversation dries up:

• Why Polar Bears are so in love with doggy, as oppose to missionary or reverse cowgirl.
• Oprah does most of the voice overs for David Attenborough documentaries in America, it's exactly the same footage but in no way as good.
• The animal you most want to see for real.
• The way you are going to make sure you actually see it within the next year.

Where to go after:

If you have LoveFilm and you are enjoying yourself let the date run on and on. If you want it to end, go for a drink close by and then walk them to the tube.

Where from here?

I suppose the zoo would be the natural progression for the next date, however I would recommend something really active to change the possible perception of you as someone who likes laying in bed eating dairy products. Text them asking if they want to go for a bike ride to work off the Camembert.

Essential Info

A free month trial at LoveFilm and LoveFilm instant is available here.

Jamie Oliver's idea on how to bake a camembert here.

An old school clip of David Attenborough being fascinating is here.

Lots of David Attenborough dvds here.

££

On a list of activities likely to lead to sex, a nerf gun fight is up there with back massage and oral. I defy anyone on a date shooting nerf guns not to be having an orgasm within twenty minutes. You remember when you were five and you used to shit on everyone you fancied (metaphorically speaking),  this is the adult equivalent. If you are looking for long lingering looks and smouldering romance this isn't the date for you, this is more the wobbly legs and carpet burns kind of occasional, and is set up with the irresistible seven words:

Want to shoot nerfs at each other?

Clean your flat, put on good underwear, and dress like a special forces operative on date night. The lifestyle you are selling is, you know that film Mr and Mrs Smith? If you were Angelina and I was Brad, I'd win, you'd be dead in the first fifteen minutes, there wouldn't even be a film.

First Five Minutes

The question that always comes up early is obviously, what series of choices in your life led you, as a grown up, to own nerf guns? Avoid the honest answer of, they help convince people to have sex with me, and go for the semi honest answer which is you were shopping for a birthday present for your nephew and realised you needed to own a set of nerf guns. Obviously pre date you need to have acquired said nerf guns so hit the amazon nerf store. As much as I like the idea of owning a nerf tommy gun I've kept my collection down to two pistol sized guns in order to stay on the cute side of weird. Other must have items, aside from guns and ammo, are two pairs of sunglasses, as nothing kills sexual tension faster than getting shot in the eye. There are safety glasses available from Nerf but sunglasses are far, far funnier. Also think about a soundtrack, most songs from Tarantino films work, but I prefer shooting people to more of a Herb-Alpert-This-Guy's-In-Love-With-You-romantic-comedy kind of vibe.

The Date

Have a drink, chat, don't talk about the nerf fight, wait for them to bring it up. When they do, tell them they don't want to play, they'll lose, tell them it's more of a game for people with excellent hand eye coordination like you. Tell them they're more the kind of person that dies in the first scene of a film than fights the baddy at the end. Once they've convinced you they're up to it talk them through the reloading process, offer them a selection of sunglasses, and at the moment they seem the weakest tell them to run.

Whilst there are some dates where you want to play down your competitive nature, this isn't one of them. Play to win. Hide in good and unexpected places, ambush, suspend yourself above the door like Jean Reno at the end of Leon, try and disarm them, wrestle when they try to pick up nerfs to reload, kiss, run away, shoot them some more, wrestle some more, pull hair, have sex on the living room floor, shoot them occasionally during sex, carry on the game, carry on the sex, wake up half naked in a pile of nerfs, or by yourself looking at a text telling you never to call them again.

What to talk about if conversation dries up:

• If you could nerf fight anyone dead or alive who would it be?
• If you were having a nerf fight with Barack Obama and his bodyguards were also armed with nerf guns, how close do you think you could get to hitting him?
• Could you be an assassin?
• If you were both in the Hunger Games, who would win? (Don't suggest you would team up, it makes you seem needy)
• The etiquette of nerfing in someone's face.

Where to go after:

After sex it's best to go and eat ice cream for the debrief (here, here or here). This gives you both the opportunity to go your separate ways and it means more if you then decide to go back to the flat and fall asleep together.

Where from here?

If you want to make it serious do a non sex date next time, maybe an art gallery, if not, more of the same.

Essential Info:

Stay close to cover, check corners when entering rooms, always be the person that wins.

£££

Happiness Forgets is the kind of place you would wake up in if you had recently died under the wheels of a large vehicle. You step onto the road, you see the bus too late, and when you open your eyes you are sitting in Happiness Forgets, holding a daiquiri, and you're on a date, and she is talking about the eventual collapse of the dollar and the effects on the world economy, and you're aware that the world outside this bar exists, but temporarily, you think there is a chance that it doesn't, that this is death, and that you are destined to spend eternity on dates with people recently passed, and the collapse of the dollar doesn't seem that relevant under these terms, and you are probably not St Peter, but what if you are? What if the conversations you had actually mattered?

There's a story in David Eagleman's book Sum (instant download here), which says death occurs three times, the first is when your heart stops beating, the second is when your body rots and there is no physical presence of you left in the world, and the third is when your name is said for the final time, the moment your life is completely forgotten. After your second death you go to a room with long tables and coffee, and along with Elvis and Jesus and many others you wait, to be forgotten. Happiness Forgets doesn't have long tables, it definitely lacks anyone I could really say was Jesus, but it reminds me of that place. This could well be my afterlife. I sound like I don't love this place, I do, I love Happiness Forgets. It's one of maybe three bars that I genuinely enjoy being in, and if you happen to be one of those people who is incapable of organising a date outside of a bar then make it this one.

So the point of this date is that you're using the atmosphere and alcohol to talk about why you exist, in order to inspire a deeper conversation about what you want your life to be. Avoid the honest set up:

Cocktails and conversations about existence?

in favour of the more ambiguous:

Hoxton later?

Book a table to be safe, and dress like you might be immortal. The lifestyle you are selling is imagine-the-immeasurable-difference-my-presence-in-your-life-would-have.

First Five Minutes

There is an amazing lack of good places to meet nearby so start at the Breakfast Club. Be sitting down, occupying yourself with a phone or a book. When they arrive, there is no benefit to having a drink there, head straight for Happiness Forgets. Also, make sure you've found it before hand as it's a little hidden.

The Date

After the business of choosing and ordering any of the immaculately created cocktails, this is how the conversation can and should go. There are 101 good questions to ask on any date, but the question that is going to make this work is number 20:

If you could have a photo of any moment of your life, what would it be?

Many people feel uncomfortable with unusual questions. They deeply want to give an intelligent and witty answer, that reveals many of their positive traits (or more accurately hides negative ones), but if the idea within the question is truly surprising, then this is difficult. If they start talking about how they are not very good at imagining or any stalling crap like that, tell them there answer doesn't have to be clever, it just has to be honest. If they offer more resistance, they are a control freak, sit in silence, finish your drink and leave, all the time maintaining eye contact.

Within their answer to this question lies everything you need to know about a person. The emotions they feel in that moment are the emotions they are looking for in life. Help them expand on it by asking developing questions. If their moment involves other people like family members, maybe a sister ask about her, what her job is, whether they see each other much, don't feel the need for every question to be deeply profound. If their moment occurred in a different country, ask about that place, whether they want to go back there. Sometimes they will ask you the question back, sometimes they won't, but expect it, have a good and truthful think before hand.

Once they have told you about that moment, and you have got as much detail out of them as you feel you can, then the follow up question is:

When you imagine that moment, what are the emotions underneath it?

 

You really want something more specific than happiness, which is always going to be part of the answer, and if they are struggling you can help by asking, what are the features of that moment that caused the happiness? It's normally going to be things like love and security, sometimes freedom and/or adventure. When you think about the moment you would chose, whichever emotions underpin it, are the emotions that you crave in your life. The value of identifying them means that whenever making difficult decisions you can ask yourself whether the possible outcome could give you any of these feelings. It's a much better conversation than job talk.

There is another powerful side effect to this exercise than a better understanding of yourself however. When thinking about your photo, it involves other people, maybe not directly but the path to that moment happening was created by a million small actions by others. Take a moment to think about who was involved in making your moment happen. You will not be completely aware of it, but within your life you would have been part of the creation of countless important moments in other people's lives. In some instances something you had done had inspire another to act a certain way, in others you would have been a direct contributor. If you were to phone your parents and ask them the question you know what their answer would be. They would want a hundred photos of a hundred different moments and nearly all of them would involve you. I don't want to tell you how important you are, you might be a complete shit, but your actions have been of importance at different points in your life, and most of the time you would be entirely unaware of it.

Maybe this date will go well, maybe it will go badly but there is a chance that in a small bar in Hoxton, you will help someone remember that they matter. Happiness Forgets is the kind of place you wake up in after being killed by a large vehicle, but the consequence of this is with the right company it is the kind of place you climb out of feeling like you have been born again. We should all spend more time at Happiness Forgets, it's good for the soul.

What to talk about if conversation dries up:

• Underground places you like to hide in then burst out of.
• After life ideas you would like to believe in.
• Best places to spend eternity.
• Best board game to take to purgatory.
• Best circle of hell to end up in.

Where to go after:

As with any late date in this area, head for Beigal Bake and takeaway food and pastries back to yours.

Where from here?

A day time date next time, out in nature maybe.

Essential Info:

Open 1730-2300 every day.

Nearest Tube: Hoxton

Address: 8-9 Hoxton Square, London N1 6NU

Website: www.happinessforgets.com

Reservations: reservations@happinessforgets.com

££££

There is only one date you should be going on this January in London, and this is it. If you find yourself on a date in the next four weeks that isn't Fuerzabruta, don't put out, and don't return their calls. Conversely, if someone does suggest this date, then call them non stop, and do everything they want sexually. If I could get a ticket for every performance of this show, I would, and I would never stop loving it, and I would never stop enjoying taking people who have never experienced it before, and watching them experience it for the first time.

Theatre dates are widely understood to be the armpit of the dating world. Nothing will kill a relationship quicker than a boring play, in uncomfortable seats, followed by a crappy drink in the theatre bar. Spend £40 a head at the Delaunay you come out feeling like the world loves you, spend £40 a head at most theatres in London, and you come out with a bad back and a sense that the experience in no way justified the expense. The Roundhouse is the notable exception. Everything they do is interesting, every evening I've spent there has made my life better. However, nothing they have ever shown comes close to matching Fuerzabruta.

Text:

"I have some tickets for something I really want to show you"

Dress younger than you are and in clothes that you don't mind getting wet. The lifestyle you are selling is drugs-happy-without-the-drugs.

First Five Minutes

Meet at Joe's Bar opposite the Roundhouse. Have an Old Fashioned and a Hot Dog, and put Johnny Cash on the jukebox. Don't mention Fuerzabruta. If they ask about it say it's just one of those things you just have to experience. Say you've phoned ahead to recommend them for the audience participation bit. Tell them they might get wet. Leave it at that.

The Date

Make sure you are at the Roundhouse half an hour before the show starts, and check your coat and bag, it gets hot inside and you want the freedom to move about. There will be waiting around but fill it with conversation about bad theatre. There are no seats in this show, it is standing only and whilst there are no bad views if it is your first time try and stick close to the centre as this is where a lot of the action takes place. If you find yourself stuck somewhere where you feel you are missing out, put your head down, don't make eye contact and push through, people will assume you are part of the cast. If you are a boy put your date in front of you and keep hold of her, if you are a girl stand in front of your date and lean back, don't lose each other. It is one of the few dates where you will do lots of touching very naturally because you will be in very close quarters. It is also one of the few shows where taking pictures (without a flash) is okay, but don't get into that, you will want to take a picture of everything and then you won't be experiencing it anymore. Maybe take a picture of your date at the end, as it's something you can send to them the next day, but leave your phone in your pocket for the rest of it.

Enjoy every second. Dance if you want to, don't if you don't, and as soon as you come out book another ticket, the six years since the last show has felt like a very long wait.

What to talk about if conversation dries up:

• How you've now discovered you want to run away and join the circus.
• The benefits of Argentinian people.
• The greatest show you've ever seen.
• Anything apart from Artaud.

Where to go after:

You are a fair walk or a short taxi drive away from Tinsel Town in Hampstead for another tdg date. The temptation is Marine Ice opposite but I find this place pretty overrated, a late milkshake at Tinsel Town would definitely be my preference.

Where from here?

Maybe a class at Circus Space, or buy the Fuerzabruta DVD and watch it.

Essential Info:

Show runs from 27 December to the 26 January.

Nearest Tube: Chalk Farm

Address: Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Road, London NW1 8EH

Websites:

www.roundhouse.org.uk

www.joescamden.co.uk

A special Christmas post is coming soon, but as advent is the easiest time to be romantic in London, here are my top six Christmas dates that will leave both you and your partner dreaming of a white Christmas together. In order of preference, I give you the best six things to do in London at Christmas if you want someone to love you:

6. The Writing Your Christmas List at Brown's Date

More a conversation that you can have anywhere than a date but the format is solid and transferable.

5. The Christmas Mix Tape and Sherry Date at Gordon's Bar

A spur of the moment date to be done when you are both out shopping (separately), and both sick of it. I know everyone knows about Gordon's bar now but there isn't a more charming place to disappear into especially when it's brass monkeys outside.

4. The Vintage Christmas Decorations Date at The Geffrye Museum

Not necessarily a date everyone is going to love, but for me, one of the best free things to do in London at Christmas.

3. The Great London Ice Skating Date at The Natural History Museum

Yeah Somerset House is great, I prefer this place, as it's far easier to book, it's near a late night ice cream parlour, and if you go on Fridays you can wander around the V and A next door until late.

2. The Guerilla Christmas Decorating Date at TDG's Parent's House

More a way of life than a date, and regardless of romance it is something you need to start doing. Nothing will make your loved ones smile more than this activity, I know because this year someone did it to me.

1. The Listening to Christmas Carols Date at Trafalgar Square

A simple, lovely and inexpensive activity that makes you feel like you're the main character in Christmas romance. I'm slightly biased towards this date as I think it's my favourite opening sentence of any of the posts, but even if this wasn't true, listening to carols by the Christmas Tree in Trafalgar Square makes you feel like Scrooge at the end of the Christmas Carol; lucky to be alive, and so happy to be so close to Christmas.

Do everything here, it will make your life better, and let me know how you get on. Hope you're having a great advent.

tdg x

PS The notable exception is clearly Winter Wonderland, which feels like an uncle you used to love, who has got fat, bloated, who dresses up badly as Santa from the 23rd of November until 6th January, and who tries to sell you hot toddies for £11 a piece. I think that covers it.