One of my pet peeves. #justsaying

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Note: Have a question about romance, love, sex, or relationships that you’d like to have answered in an upcoming article? Click here to submit your question.

Waiting Longingly wrote in with this question. Well, a story and a question:

There is this girl i met last semester. I saw her while we were in a study room of 4, my friend and i, and the girl and her friend. I started developing a genuine interest in her and just could not resist her. We are at the same University, she is a freshman and i am a sophomore,anyways, since that day when we all met at the study room, each time i run into her, i just hug her, ask her how she is doing, and go my way.

I am a very shy person, so i was extremely nervous each time i saw her, and as much as i tried to control my nerves, it just would get the better of me.But as i said, each time i saw her i hugged her, and we just had brief chats and i went my way.That was towards the end of last semester, so we ran into each other about 3 times since we have different schedules.Anyways, so at the start of this semester, i saw her on the first day of school, together with her friend, we hugged, i wished them a happy new year, and went to class because i was in a hurry.

A day later, my friend told me he saw her, and while they were talking, she asked him how i was doing. A week after that i saw her together with her friend at the school caffeteria, but to my utter suprise, she first made like she didn’t see me, then just said hi and continued talking with her friend. Then 2 hours after, i ran into her again, this time with her friend, and hugged them both, i asked her how she was doing, and she said, she’s ok. But the snub at the caffeteria left me downbeat, and discouraged to even initiate more conversation.

Anyway i want to know what mistakes i might have made, and if i still have a chance of still getting her, and if so, how do i go about, trying to get her number, and hanging out with her, and hopefully having her as my girlfriend eventually.Another minor obstacle is that, each time i run into her she is with her friend and it is hard to initiate a conversation with a girl in such situations.Then yesterday, i met her friend and was talking to her, but she did not sound interested in the conversation as she used too.Please i really need advice on this situation Thanks!

Waiting Longingly

WL, that was quite a long explanation. Unless this girl likes reading Russian novels, you’ll not do well in attempting written correspondence with her. Anyway, you say you’re a shy dude and yet you walked up to this girl, said hello, and dished the physical in prompt form. That, my unwary friend, is not the sign of shyness. Your problem doesn’t seem to be shyness. If anything, you’ve been too friendly around this girl.

What do I mean by that? It’s very simple. If you like a girl, and you seemed to like this one initially, then you pay her more attention than you do anybody or anything around her. Are you supposed to be polite to her friends? Yes. Are you supposed to initiate physical contact with her friends? No! But you did, WL. You went and hugged all over her friends and met up with them and gave them loving you should have reserved for your one and only.

If you walk up to her now and ask her out, you know what she’ll most likely say? “oooh, WL, that’s really sweet of you but I value your friendship a LOT and I wouldn’t want to risk losing that by dating.” Unless you like the sound of that, it’s probably time you moved on. The world is full of women for you to hug, WL. Just make sure you’re only hugging one until she gives you explicit instructions to do otherwise.

Blue With Fear wrote in with an amazing situation:

Hi Simon, an ex I haven’t seen in 2 years recently sent me a prepaid cellphone via FedEx with minutes on it and a note that said “call me” and included a phone number and her name. What am I supposed to do? I don’t really miss her. I suppose she might have found out I was getting a divorce because I was slow in changing my Facebook settings. Otherwise, I’m not sure what she’s up to or what I should do about this. Help!

BWF, if a woman sent me a burner phone with minutes on it and I had no interest in calling her, you know what I’d do? I’d call my mother, talk until the minutes were up, and move on with my life. I don’t call my mother often enough and I know she’d appreciate the gesture. Of course, there’s a possibility that your ex has rigged the phone to explode when her number is dialed and calling her will leave you maimed or dead. What’s worse, she might just want to get you on the phone so she can woo you back into her clutches.

But perhaps you were the douchebag and she was right to be rid of you. Perhaps she’s in a bad spot and you were the only person she could think to get in touch with and not risk another “I’m naked in front of this person for the first time” experience. Perhaps you’d be doing her a favor by keeping your evil self out of her life? That’s something only you can know for sure, BWF. I suggest calling your mother and getting on with your life.

Readers, feel free to add your thoughts if you like and don’t forget to submit a question of your own!

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The rain hitting the windows softly glowed as he lit each candle and placed it in its sconce. The mustardy gold walls gave off an amber hue in the candlelight and his brown eyes were deep with desire. I sipped prosecco as I leaned against the pillows, seductively arranged in only my bra, garter and thigh highs; waiting as he turned on his iPod to a soft ambient playlist…

Although the setting was near perfect, I was still nervous. It wasn’t like it was my first time, but it was with him and I didn’t want to mess it up. I had known him for a few months and the chemistry was there, the sexual tension was strong and now that it was finally time, I was afraid?? While trying to look effortlessly sexy, I went through my mental checklist:

• Brazilian – check
• Hair styled perfectly – check
• Perfume behind the knees – check
• Light dusting of baby powder “down there” – check
• Shaved legs and armpits – check
• Waterproof mascara – check
• Deodorant – check
• Listerine – check
• Manicure/pedicure – check

Everything was done, so what was I so worried about? Maybe he won’t like the baby powder scent? Or the perfume. Was my breath too listerine-y? I knew the mascara wasn’t running because it was waterproof. I took another sip of prosecco and decided to enjoy the moment.

What is your checklist? Do you have one – just for new partners or for the one you’ve been with for awhile? Did I miss anything on mine? Tell me! I’d love to hear!

image: panties

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by Simon Cole

The woman I love is marrying another man this weekend.

I met Mariska at the start of our final semester in college. I’d made a mistake on my schedule and showed up for the wrong class. I walked through the lecture room door, surprised to see about 20 chairs arranged in a circle.

She sat there. It was just us. Her hiking boots shed melting snow into a slowly growing puddle at her heels. She didn’t care. She was jut there, present, waiting. There were 19 available seats.

I can’t tell you what it was that made me long to know her but I did. I chose the seat directly to her right. I sat and turned toward her.

Hi, my name is Simon.

Wow. You’re very friendly. I’m Mariska.

Not all the time. I just wanted to meet you.

There’s nobody else here to meet.

That’s true. Tell me why none of the buttons on your sweater match and I’ll leave you alone.

She did. I didn’t leave her alone.

We kept talking. It turned out I had shown up for an advanced Spanish Language class. Other students showed up. We kept talking. The professor walked in and prepared to begin class.

I’ve got to go.

It’d be funny to see how long you could go before she [the professor] throws you out of class.

True. I’ll head out though. How can I make sure to see you around?

She tore a corner from her notebook and quickly wrote two numbers. A phone number and a time.

Call this number at this time in exactly 2 days. I’ll answer and we can get lunch. Call at exactly that time.

That seemed pretty strange. I could dig it. I waited, I called, we had lunch. What followed was three of the most emotionally fulfilling months in my existence. I had found a person who really saw me. She would walk past all the bullshit excuses I gave for inferior work, bad choices, and uncertainty about what I wanted from life. She pushed, she pulled, and she loved with all her heart.

One late Friday night in early March, we went for an aimless walk around campus. The sidewalks were wet with melting snow and bits of salted sand crunched beneath our feet. It was getting cold. I moved my right hand from Mariska’s gloved clasp to the warmth of my pea coat pocket. She looped her arm through mine and pressed her shoulder against my arm.

What’s up?

I’m sorry for being so terrible in bed.

She hadn’t expected me to say that. I knew I was though. I was fun to be with whenever I had my clothes on, but the moment I stripped–it’s as if I took on a whole different persona–I was uptight and methodical. I was not a joyful lover and I knew it.

I want to tell you why I’m so awkward in bed.

I like having sex with you. I like sleeping with you. I like being with you. If you were unable to have sex I would still want to be with you. Just know that.

I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t planned on ever saying anything. I felt sheepish, stupid, and embarrassed to have mentioned the subject at all.

So?

I was introduced to sex earlier than most people are. A friend of my parents thought it would be good to have a little fun with me when I was seven. I fit neatly into the stereotype of the little boy in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was the pastor of an adoring congregation. I was the child delivered into his care by trusting parents. I don’t know why I’m talking about this now. It’s something I’ve talked to a therapist about but he said I seemed to have things worked out. I’m not sure I do. I wish I’d told somebody. I wish I could know that other kids didn’t go through the same thing. I wish I could be with you the same way you are with me. I wish I didn’t hold back. I’m sorry.

I choked out the apology. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what she’d say.

She didn’t say anything. We had stopped near a bench. Its dark iron curves were too wet to sit on. Mariska slipped her arm out of mine and, grabbing my elbow, pulled me toward the bench. She hopped up onto the bench, her 5′2 frame towering above me. She unzipped her coat.

Come here.

I hadn’t known what to expect. I certainly hadn’t expected this. I had thought she’d say something. I thought she’d ask questions like all the others had. She said nothing. As I stepped close, she directed my hands inside her coat. I wrapped my arms around her waist, my grasp resting on her hips. She was so warm. I don’t remember if she was wearing a sweater underneath her coat or just a shirt. I was too caught up in the silence to care. She pulled me into her warmth, one hand twined in my hair as the other dropped to press against my back. She pressed her face against my hair. My world was absolutely silent but for the steady bump, bump, bump of her heartbeat. Or was it mine?

She said something into my hair, realized I probably didn’t hear it, and said it again.

Thank you for staying alive.

How could she have known about all the times I’d considered the benefits of not living? How could she have known that I’d said all I could and that asking more would be too much to ask? How could she have known precisely what I needed at that very moment?

She just did. Mariska was like that. She still is like that. I was immediately reminded of that fact when I heard her voice this past Sunday.

Simon? It’s Mariska. Do you have a moment to talk? I got your letter.

To be continued…

Image: Bachuas

Too Late For Love – (Part 1)

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My 13 year-old cousin recently asked me what I thought to be the right age for her to start having sex.

Cousin: What’s the right age to start having sex?

Me: What’s the right age to start having babies?

Cousin: Um, probably 20 years old. At least not until you have a job you like.

Me: Then you probably shouldn’t start making babies until you’re the right age to have them.

Cousin: What if I don’t let him (her 15 year-old boyfriend) put it in my, um, in me?

Me: In your vagina?

Cousin: Yeah.

Me: Then you’ve still got a whole list of things to worry about. Do you really want to have sex with him?

Cousin: Well, yes. Mostly? All the other girls are doing it with their boyfriends.

Her mom walked into the room at this point and we didn’t get a chance to finish the conversation before I left. I owe her a phone call and I can’t help but feel like I don’t have a good answer for her.

What’s the right age to start having sex?

When you take pregnancy out of the equation and you’re dealing with a young teen who feels invincible and is convinced her boy is clean, how do you convince her to wait? Should she?

What’s the right age to start having sex? I know I wish I’d waited. But I don’t know how I’d have convinced myself as a 14 year-old (just one year older than my cousin is!) to ignore what other girls were doing and wait for a guy who was actually interested in me as a person.

Do you have any insight you’d be willing to share? I’d love it if you took a moment to chime in on this!

Love, Amelia

Image: MissPiano

What Is The Right Age To Start Having Sex?

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There are few things more comforting in life than surrendering yourself to sleep in the arms of someone who loves you. If you’ve suddenly found yourself alone after being used to sharing your bed, the simple act of falling asleep can become a dreaded affair.

Still, you gotta sleep.

How To Sleep Alone – The Bed

Have you ever walked through the bedding department of your favorite home store, looked left, looked right, ignored the hidden security cameras and fallen with arms spread-eagle, onto the luxuriously inviting coordinated extra fluffy display bed?

Now, think about your bed. How does it compare?

If your mattress is poky, your winter blankets are out-of-the-storage-box musty and your linens are covered in scratchy pill, bed is the last place you want to go to relax.

A change of perspective can be as easy as flipping the mattress and changing the sheets. Maintain this feeling by taking a few moments to make up your bed before you leave your room in the morning. When it’s time for bed, you won’t need an invitation.

How To Sleep Alone – The Timing

While a set “bed time” might evoke thoughts of sticker charts and character clad toothbrushes, it’s not just for kids. The National Sleep Foundation suggests having a regular bedtime and waking time, even on weekends, “strengthens the circadian function and can help with sleep onset at night.”

Once your body is accustomed to a rhythm, it will naturally feel tired at the same time each day. Cell phone or email reminders are a very grown-up way to let you know that bedtime is approaching.

How To Sleep Alone – Getting It Done

The hardest part of going to bed alone is actually getting into bed. Do it. It’s one thing to stay awake in front of a computer in the living room, another to be laying in bed with your head on your fresh, soft pillow. One gives your body cues it should be sleeping, the other reminds you your Farmville creatures are starving.

Once you’re in bed, resist the urge to fiddle with your iPhone. Instead keep a simple notebook within arm’s reach in case you need to release some thoughts for an upcoming article, so that your mind can relax. Instead of counting sheep, think of positive things that happened in the last 12 hours. Smile.

Say goodnight to the mush (aff), and then lay still and relax each part of you starting at your feet.

Tomorrow is a new day.

About the author: Sarah said she’d follow her husband Tom to the ends of the earth. He called her bluff, and they moved from their house in Pennsylvania to live by the sea in northern Japan. They homeschool their five progeny, all born after 2001. She loves people, writes for fun and thinks about God constantly. You can find her blog at http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com or follow her @mrsalbrecht on Twitter.

Image: TAGG

How To Sleep Alone

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by Amelia Holzapfel

“There just aren’t any good men in this town.” Pouted my friend Ashley as we waited for our food to arrive. My response? The trick isn’t to find a “good man” but to find one who is real and figure out if you can learn to deal with his imperfections. Ashley needs a real man, I need a real man who only responds to my booty calls, and you?
Here are 12 signs the man you’ve found is a real man. It’s up to you what you do with him after you find him.

1. He’s Observant –

Not only will he see the man wearing a blue shirt in this photo, he’ll notice when you get your hair cut, wear a new outfit, or drop a pound or two. He’ll still notice other women. That’s okay. He notices pretty much everything. We all notice huge boobs, right? Don’t hate. He’s just being real with you.

2. He’s Got Tact –

He knows when to be silent. It’s great to have a man who knows how to say the right thing. That’s not as important as having a man who knows when to be silent and just hold you when you’ve had a shit day. A real man might not be able to woo your parents with thoughtful commentary but the worst they’ll think is that he’s quiet. Being quiet is a far better trait than being stupid. A real man tries not to be stupid when he can help it.

3. He’s Accepting –

If you’ve always wanted to pretend like you were Arielle from The Little Mermaid and have a handsome prince snatch your lithe self from the waves, a real man will play along because he knows it’s something you want. Of course, doing anything naked will make a real man more agreeable. Want to yell at him? Do it naked and he’ll be less likely to resent you for it.

4. He’s Flexible –

A real man might not be able to touch his own toes, let alone bend into a human pretzel. But he will be able to sleep on concrete, wear the same clothes for days, and survive for indefinite periods of time in beer and ramen noodles. Any man who says he couldn’t survive under the same conditions is either lying to appeal to your fair nose or is hiding a sex change. If he’s being real with you, he’ll admit to his, um, flexibility when it comes to lifestyle options. How is this good for you? A real man’s flexibility means he’ll be able to take your ups and downs, curves and flats, and wild ideas in stride. If a real man loves you, he’ll flex to you. That’s huge.

5. He Can Amuse Himself –

A real man doesn’t wait around for you to keep him company and make him laugh. He finds his own stuff to do. You might find everything he does to be entirely amusing or sanitary, but that’s not the point. A real man doesn’t expect you to love everything he does in pursuit of amusement. Goodness, be happy that he doesn’t look to you as his sole source of amusement! Be real with yourself for a moment: You’re probably not that interesting. Want a real man to stick with you? Encourage him to seek his own hobbies and amusements. This doesn’t mean you have to encourage him to belch out the American anthem during dinner out. What it does mean is that you don’t have to constantly worry about impressing or amusing him. He can find his own laughs sometimes.

6. He’s Confident –

He isn’t afraid to admit when he’s wrong or isn’t sure of things. Well, most of the time. If he thinks you’ll mock him or think less of him for not knowing something, he’ll try to gain time so he can figure things out. Remember how I said that a real man tries not to be stupid? That’s a benefit when it comes to avoiding embarrassment but also a downside when you’re trying to figure things out quickly.

Let a real man know you accept him, flaws included, and he’ll be better about admitting to those flaws. You have the power to make your man feel like shit or THE shit. A real man won’t expect you to coddle him but he’ll appreciate it and respond well when you take the time to let him know you think he’s awesome… mostly.

7. He Has A Sense Of Humor –

A real man knows how to take a joke and never takes himself too seriously.

8. He Takes Time For Himself –

A real man knows he needs time for himself to sort through things and just enjoy life. This comes in different forms for different men but suffice it to say that if you don’t let him have time for himself, he’ll go nuts on you. Learn to recognize when he’s built up a lot of mental tension and let him go. It’s not the sort of tension you can fix with a quickie (although that can help). A real man doesn’t need time alone because he hates you. He needs it so that he won’t learn to hate you. Let him have it.

9. He’s Compassionate –

A real man cares about others even if he doesn’t always show it. He might not run around trying to find people to help but if he sees somebody in need, a real man will almost always try to help. When you first start spending time with a real man he’ll often ask if he can do anything to help when you’re having a bad day.

Avoid telling him to leave you alone even if that’s what you really want. Doing so will make him feel like you don’t want his help. That’s a crusher. Give him something to do and smile when he does it. He’ll keep trying and trying and trying to make you happy. Real men are handy like that.

10. He’s True To His Word –

He’ll do everything in his power to keep his promises. Even if that means doing something idiotic like eating 50 eggs.

11. He’s Brave –

A real man isn’t afraid to try new things, take calculated risks, or jump headlong into crazy ideas. If he was, chances are he wouldn’t try a relationship with you. (Or me, I’ll admit to a bit of the crazy bug.) The only thing most real men are afraid of is losing the respect of the women they love. That might sound cheesy but I’ve seen enough men break down when I got bored of them to know it’s true.

12. He’s Patient –

A real man won’t try to force you to be with him. He’ll try to impress you and convince you that he’s worth your time, but he won’t force you to do anything. If you find a real man you won’t have to worry about unwanted groping, date rape, or worse. He’ll take the time to get to know you and take things at a speed you’re comfortable with.

A real man will wait for you to open your arms to him. If you find one, you’d best open them quickly before some smarter women comes along to claim him for herself. Don’t hate. As you’re well aware, it’s hard to find a real man these days.

Have you found a real man? Perhaps you have some traits of a real man to add from your personal experience? Let me know!

Images: Lou Varone, Borghetti, PurpleMattFish, BombDog, SlightlyNorth, Omnia Mutantur, A Pinna, PaulQi, Svenwerk, Vogfld

12 Signs You’ve Found A Real Man

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by Zeke Hillyard

A lot of people think HIV is simply a “gay thing.”

Therefore, a quick bit of mind candy: Over half the world’s HIV/AIDS cases are women. A simple math deduction demonstrates that there are a lot more heterosexual people with HIV than not. Because of that, this topic needs a more universal treatment. A great magazine called POZ (found at www.poz.com), does a great job of this, but its usual audience is people who are already HIV positive.

I’m 36 now, gay, and married (or not, depending on the current status of Proposition 8). It wasn’t always that way. Once I was 28, alone, insecure and afraid the day I got the phone call during which I was informed I was HIV positive. I’m still insecure and sometimes afraid; however, I’ve learned I’m never alone.

Because we so rarely talk about HIV in a casual sense, the acronyms become a series of scary letters one associates with disease and death; the discrimination is insidious, and yet clear. Dating advertisements request “drug, disease free” people for dating.

In my experience, people are far more worried about HIV as the particular disease and are quite happy to ignore that second hand smoking alone cause more fatalities than AIDS, as do smoking and drinking. Yet, we often are willing to overlook these because we think we understand them better.

So, a little info. HIV stands for “Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” This simply means it occurs in humans, attacks the immune system, and is cause by a particular type of virus called a retrovirus. The “A” in AIDS (never use small letters) means Acquired—you get it from others, just like cancer from second-hand smoke. “I” means “Immune,” and refers to the idea one’s immune system is affected. “D” stands for Deficiency and it follows that one has a deficiency of immunity in the form of a white blood cell called a T4 or CD4 cell or, more popularly, a “T cell”. “S” means there are a series of illnesses that happen to people whose immune systems are deficient that exist anyway, but are rare in people whose immune systems are working.

One of these happens to be illnesses is a common one called Toxoplasmosis. I have this. I caught it from changing my cat’s little box (pregnant women are prone to this as well. However, I do not have AIDS because it also requires a very low T cell count, which I do not have.) These details I’ve presented are very simplified. You can get accurate, up-to-date information from a great website called The Body, the Centers for Disease Control, or the World Health Organization.

Make no mistake, HIV, and thus logically, AIDS, are incurable; however, they in no way make someone untouchable or unloveable. And to those men and women with either HIV or AIDS, they do not mean you have to stop dating. However, if you wish to maintain your personal integrity, and also a find a better date, your honesty about your status will go a long way to making this happen.

Before and after HIV, I had no trouble getting dates. My big mouth and other personality flaws did not change, and I made many of the foibles that Seth writes about that make his blog so fun and heartwarming to read. When we have HIV or AIDS, I think it’s safe to say one’s biggest fears are rejection and ostracism—especially if one’s status is kept secret or one lives in a smaller town. These are chances one takes and they take bravery. Braver still are those willing to risk rejection and ostracism by saying, “I don’t care” and dating you anyway.

Many of these people have discovered that dating isn’t just about sex, it’s about exploring and experiencing different people, searching for someone with whom we might spend a week or the rest of our lives with.

To those looking to date but fear disclosure, ask yourself; what is the worst thing that can happen? Rejection? Will your life be at stake? Think carefully. Practice in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. To those who fear being labeled HIV positive by association, look in the mirror, there’s something there that isn’t ready for acceptance, and it’s not about the person with HIV.

Take HIV as a challenge. Find ways to enjoy life without sex. My first date with the love of my life took place on the kiddie coaster in Seattle Center. I cry as I write this, as he sleeps, soundly, in the other room. You see, we married last year after being together for five. He’s still HIV negative. We have plenty of sex and we do so much more. He is my world and when I think I turned him down four times before I said yes, I don’t know what I could have been thinking.

Incidentally, it wasn’t fear of telling him. When I disclosed my status to my future husband, hoping to turn him away, he said, “I don’t care, it’s just a virus.” That put me in quite a pickle. Had I been honest and said, “I’m just not interested in you,” Life would haver been very different. He was right, of course. It is difficult, and easy to avoid contracting HIV, and it certainly wasn’t the end of my world. In fact, I’ll probably outlive him even though he’s only two years older than me.

For those who are curious, I began dating him after I got a reference from his old landlord. My old landlord. The first time Johnny came to my house, we discovered that we had lived in the same exact studio; he was the previous tenant. I was the currently one. Lois (our mutual landlady and wise soul) told me Johnny was a great guy and helped me give myself permission to partake in the most amazing journey I’ve been on to date, a journey with many side trips, love, and laughter. Had I said “no” again, I might still be looking for that “perfect date” that was right there under my nose four times.

Thus endeth the lesson. Thank you, Seth, for honoring me with a place on my favorite blog.

Zeke Hillyard is the founder and facilitator of symbiotic ∞ internetworks, a human services consulting collaborative. When he can afford it, he goes to school to study human systems theory and self-organizing systems. He is a recent Power Lab graduate and holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Services from Western Washington University. When his server’s Internet provider isn’t messing with his IP addresses, he keeps a blog. He builds custom computers to support his research and lives in North Las Vegas, NV. Follow him on Twitter or reach him by email through z [at]symbioticinternetworks.com.

Image: CarbonNYC

A Gay Male’s Take on Dating a Person with HIV

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Dear Men,

Every month (when I’m not super-lean from running) my body realizes I foiled its attempt at reproduction and gives up in a stream of blood.

I wish you could understand how unsettling it is to have my body constantly changing. Some women are on steady cycles. Their body never surprises them. I’m not like that.

My weight fluctuates. I get bloated. Sometimes I bleed a LOT and I get scared. The doctor says I’m okay but I often don’t feel okay. It’s something I could probably explain, given time, but whenever I mention my lady engine your eyes glaze over. You say you’re interested and that you want to understand, but your actions say otherwise.

Here’s my best try at a short explanation:

When I get emotional during menstruation it’s not just because hormones are making me edgy. I’m also being reminded of my own frailty–I’m terrified of blood, especially my own–and how rapidly I’m aging, disintegrating, and how powerless I am to do anything about it.

I joke about it sometimes, sure. But I’m only doing so to cope.

When I disagree with you about something and you ask me if I’m ‘on my period’ it’s a bit like promising an arachnophobe that you’ll be sure to bring her a spider next time you visit. Please don’t. It’s not funny to me.

I’m having my period, not giving birth to aliens. It’s not freaky, weird, or gross. It’s me!

You seem pretty interested in my vagina most of the time. Why not do some research and learn about how that part of my body works? Ask me questions, pick up a book, do a little hands-on exploration!

I wish we could talk about this. I wish it were okay to discuss my body without you feeling like you need to make jokes because you feel awkward. I want to talk about it. Most women do. If you take the time to learn about how my body works and how I relate to it, I think a lot of other things I do will start to make sense.

As a woman, I’m supposed to be all mysterious, right? Well, when it comes to my period, I think the mystery has been working against us.

If you want to know more, ask!

Love, Amelia

(For the pervs: No, I’m not volunteering to answer questions about my vagina. Go crawl back into your basement computer room with your anime.)

Image: Steve Kay

An Open Letter To Men

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It was our fourth date when Coleen popped the question. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and confident of her talents. We’d had a lot of fun hanging out and I, classy dude that I am, hadn’t pushed for anything physical… yet.

Coleen just had something about her that said, “don’t touch me quite yet” that I figured was a good idea to respect.

That changed when she slipped from her side of the table in the softly lit corner of the restaurant and scooted into the seat beside me. (Irish pub, booths, yep.)

I thought, “Yes! She’s finally over whatever is bothering her. Snog time!”

Instead, she leaned toward me, paused, and popped the question:

Would you freak out if I told you I had two kids?

I didn’t freak out. I don’t have a problem with kids and see no reason why a person should treat another poorly for having given birth.

The thing that bothered me was Coleen’s timing in waiting so long to tell me that she had two enormous commitments chilling with a babysitter at home.

I was annoyed that she hadn’t told me right away. When I asked her about the delay she said only that she hadn’t wanted to scare me away and that her friends had said I’d be cool with it if I really liked her.

I wasn’t interested.

Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing? On what date should a single mom admit to having kids? Was Coleen right to wait so long to tell me about her kids?

I asked some friends for their input:

Seth said,

“She should tell him about her kids right around the same time she’d like him to tell her if he’s a registered sex offender.”

Emma said,

“I think she should tell him once she’s sure she likes him. It’s the difference between inviting somebody to a party in college and inviting them home for Thanksgiving. It’s important to get to know the guy a little bit before you spring potentially life-altering news on him.”

Amelia took some pot shots at Coleen’s garment choices (long story) before remarking,

“It seems like dating as a single mom would be something like dating when you’re HIV-positive. You know, you’ve got this thing that would scare most guys away but you’re hoping that you’ll somehow meet one who wants to be with you no matter what and will understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. It’s a big deal to have kids. You have to protect them while trying to be open to a new person. I think Coleen probably liked you a lot and perhaps that’s why she waited so long to tell you about her kids. I don’t know. I don’t have kids. That’s how I’d approach it if I did, I think. I’d wait, perhaps quite a few dates.”

Now I’m not sure what to think. If Seth was just being dramatic with his line about the sex offender (a real possibility) then it seems I may have been wrong in discounting Coleen for waiting to tell me about her kids.

What do you think? Ladies? How long do you think it’s okay for a single mom to wait before telling her date she’s got kids? Gents, how soon would you like to know if the lady you’re dating has done more than just test her baby maker?

If I was wrong (and it seems I may have been) I’m game for giving Coleen a call and apologizing for being an ape. Was I wrong?

Thanks for your input!

Simon

Image: Photogratree

When Should A Single Mom Tell Her Date She Has Kids?

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