Trans•formed

A Gospel that Fits All People

Chad Hall — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 16:34:45 +0000

Perhaps you read the news that trendy clothier Abercrombie & Fitch wants only the thin to wear their clothes. For a long time retailers have included only the thin, thinner and thinnest models in their advertising visuals, but now A&F has gone several steps further and decided they will not even make clothes for people who are XL or XXL. Actually, they do make XL and XXL clothes for the boys. I suppose they still allow “athletically built” guys to qualify as cool – alongside the pencil-thin waifs. But what about the girls? There is no room for anything “extra” when it comes to the fairer sex. By A&F’s standards, small and thin define beauty while large girls will need to shop somewhere else.

The decision by A&F to exclude the XL’s has led to an outcry by many, even those in business who judge the A&F decision not on sound capitalist ideals, but on simple morals and good taste.

Why would A&F refuse to sell their product to the large and overweight? Simple, they want to project their image of “desired” (call it acceptable, cool, or whatever) not only in their paid advertising, but also in the day-to-day use of their product. They know that each customer is a walking billboard for their product; and for a girl to be able to buy A&F clothes – not because she can afford them, but because she can fit into them – is now a status symbol. “Look at me, I’m thin enough to wear A&F.”

We all want to belong. We want to know that we are good enough to be accepted and loved. The danger is when we believe we have to earn love and acceptance. The danger also lies in setting standards by which we judge the lovability and acceptability of others.

In some ways, I’m glad A&F made such a boldly immoral move. They are far more honest than most retailers, who advertise using only the thinnest models in hopes of luring in the dollars of everyone. A&F is clear about who belongs in their tribe and who does not. And unlike many high-end retailers, they’ve drawn the tribal boundaries not with dollars (Can you afford this?) but with physicality (Can you squeeze into this?). Such a ridiculous decision shines a spotlight on A&F’s immorality, but the spotlight casts an illuminating glow on all inappropriate boundary-drawing, not matter who’s drawing the tribal lines – including the church.

A&F’s decision to exclude the XL’s has me noticing similar behavior among some Christian churches:

Churches whose postcards and websites feature only the prettiest people. Like retailers, churches seem to think attractive people will attract people. Such a philosophy might make good marketing sense, but theologically it is a bankrupt and gospel-void belief.
Similarly, churches that advertise with images of model families who seem to have it all together. I’m not sure when “a happy, white-teethed family” became the goal of our faith. It’s certainly not biblical. In fact, I cannot think of happy family in the Bible. The gospel neither requires nor leads to a happy and attractive family.
Worship teams populated only by the pretty. I’ve often wondered why it is that ugly people evidently cannot sing. Especially in very large churches, it seems that only the thin, attractive and stylishly dressed can lead worship.
Pastors who make a fashion statement. Everybody has to wear something, so I get that pastors would not want to look like a slob in the pulpit (or on the stage, as the case may be). But some pastors seem to take style to a level beyond what is appropriate. Whether it’s a Southern Baptist preacher in a $4,000 dollar suit with $500 cufflinks, or a trendy mega-church star who looks like he’s ready for the catwalk in Paris, or the grunge guy sporting flannel and the world’s longest beard, the message that gets sent is, “You can trust what I am saying because I look the way you’d like to look.”

I don’t expect A&F to make gospel-centered decisions since they are a worldly business enterprise (although I’d be happier if they chose to show respect to all people). I do expect churches, church leaders, and Christ-followers to be gospel-centered in all matters, including the messages we send through our decisions about clothing, body size, and attractiveness. More personally, each of us needs to remember that the gospel does not exclude the XL’s. The gospel of Jesus is for all people: the plus-sized, the buck-toothed, the fair-skinned, the bone-thin, the runaway, the well-kept, the addicted, and the average person you’d never spot in a crowd. The gospel is for people not like you, and for you.

Chad Hall

Chad is the Director of Coaching for Western Seminary and also serves as a leadership coach for ministry and corporate clients through his role as Partner with Coach Approach Ministries and iNTERNAL iMPACT.

Do You Remember Your First Childhood Loss?

Bev Hislop — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 10:00:18 +0000

Do you remember your first childhood loss? A missing or broken toy? Perhaps a pet that died. What was your parent’s response? “Don’t cry. We’ll get another one!”

I do remember the consolation of mom replacing a little flower that I nurtured after the dog dug it up. But my first remembrance of a deep loss was a cousin who died at 13 years of age with a family hereditary disease. I was 11 when our family traveled north to the funeral. What I remember is feeling deeply sad, and secretly crying. But as I watched the adults, there were no tears or seeming sadness. In fact they talked about all sorts of things, but not the death. The message I came away with was,

“Don’t cry, don’t feel bad.”

“Keep a stiff upper lip”

“Be strong for others”

“Grieve alone”

This cousin had an older sister, so my 11 year-old-mind assumed they “had another one” and that covered the bases. (Children make up their own explanations when they are not given truth by adults.) But not long after, the older sister also died from the same disease. Then I was really confused.

Recently I attended (again!) a church conference on Grief and Loss taught by Dr. H. Norman Wright. Most recognize his name as one who specializes in grief, crisis and trauma. He not only personally has experienced much loss, but is found on many of the sites in our nation where trauma occurs, such as The World Trade Center, Katrina in Louisiana and other sites when children have been killed. I was reminded again of the effectiveness of his insights in dealing with grief and loss.

As innocent as our first childhood loss may seem, it can set the pace for how we deal with grief the rest of our lives, unless we have intervention says Dr. Wright. Perhaps our expectation is that there will be an easy fix for the pain. Something/someone will replace my loss quickly, hence the childhood message. And for those losses that are replaceable, replacement may actually mask the grief reaction.

Or perhaps our inconsolable grief seems exaggerated related to the fact that our current loss is simply a child going off to college. Isn’t that a good thing? So why do they feel so sad? The intermingling of celebratory and loss feelings at the same time can be confusing and challenging.

Past grief that is not processed remains as an iceberg underwater, until the next loss triggers all the unprocessed grief. There will come a time when the grief is so great, that it can no longer remain hidden. And a seemingly minor loss brings exaggerated emotional responses.

Dr. Wright lists 11 types of losses in life.

Real or Material – first loss as a child; broken things; losing things of value that hold meaning, etc.
Abstract – loss of face, love, hope, ambition, or control
Imagined or perceived – We think____ no longer loves us; elderly woman believes children have abandoned her; friends don’t call.
Relationship Loss – the end of an opportunity to relate: death, divorce, moving, end of friendship
Intrapsychic Loss – losing an image of oneself; losing what “might have been;” death of a dream
Functional Loss – Muscular or neurological function: sight, hearing, memory, disability, chronic illness, coordination, body part, or diagnosis.
Role Loss – Retirement, transfer, promoted, demoted, or graduation.
Systemic Loss – Child leaves home; fellow-worker leaves; elder and his family leave; pastor leaves; church split or church plant.
Threatened Loss – Biopsy; “I’m thinking of divorcing you;” downscaling; lawsuit; terrorism; hurricane; tornado; floods.
Ambiguous Loss – a) Deployment; MIA; The World Trade Center; adoptee’s search for parents; strike; Alzheimer’s; miscarriage. b) Childhood abandonment—physical & emotional: loss of childhood from physical and/or sexual abuse, family member in jail.
Disenfranchised Grief – The grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported: incarcerated, abortion, gay friend dies. Three types: a) the relationship is not recognized; b) the loss is not recognized; c) the griever is not recognized.

# 10-11 can be most devastating because it is confusing, you can’t adjust to the loss. The family is denied the rituals that support a real loss. Reminds you life is not fair.

Dr. Wright defines grief as “intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc.; acute sorrow; deep sadness.” Mourn is “to feel or express sorrow.” Mourning is the expression of grief. The body and the mind grieve. It is a full time job.

Dr. Wright has multiple books on similar topics. One of his classics is a short book—good for someone in grief—is Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright ($3.99).

Bev Hislop

Bev is currently Associate Professor of Pastoral Care and Executive Director of the Women’s Center for Ministry at Western Seminary. She authored Shepherding Women in Pain and Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Moody Publishers. Bev has established and led ministries for women in churches and communities on the west and east coasts of the U.S. and overseas.

The HOW will vary

Bev Hislop — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 10:00:48 +0000

I remember well the phone call.

“I am Pastor _____ and I have a question for you. One of the women in our church talked with me recently and she insists we have a ministry just for women. And I don’t get it. Can’t women just join in with the rest of us as we Encourage, Edify and Evangelize?”

We exchanged perspectives and agreed on key issues. Yet I could see he held his position strongly. I asked how he viewed the Titus 2:3-5 text (see last blog Impact on a Decadent Culture).

After a second sip of water and a telegram prayer, I asked, “As pastor of your local church, how are you following Paul’s words to Titus? What are you doing to provide opportunity and enhance the effectiveness of older women ministering to younger women?” Silence followed.

Then a change in tone emerged. I believe our key difference was the how.

The perspective on how this plays out in a given church environment certainly varies. Cultural and generational changes undoubtedly play into these variations. Yet the biblical intention is clear.

What follows is a recent sampling of 4 churches to stimulate further conversation on the how.

The Summit Church offers a full-time position for a “Director of Women’s Discipleship.” A sampling of Responsibilities includes:

Develop a reproducing discipleship culture among women through the small group ministry
Oversee current female small group coaches and leaders; identify and recruit small group leaders.
Contribute to small group curriculum and other equipping initiatives
Develop and support larger scale women’s volunteer led initiatives (e.g. trainings, prayer gatherings, retreats and conferences).

She should have a strong history of disciple-making and a passion to see women developed and released to lead in the church.

Santa Barbara Community Church, in addition to women’s Bible Studies, Mentoring, Mom’s Groups and Hospitality ministry, offers StoryNights. These give women the opportunity to share their life story for the purpose of influencing each other in their life journey with God. What does God look like in the life of a woman? What difference does knowing Jesus Christ make in the life of a women—single, married, divorced, widowed, working, at home, etc.? Women who don’t know Jesus personally get a first-hand look at a godly woman.

Salem Heights Church’s ministry for women is laid out in a 5 year plan and is called “Women’s Discipleship.” It looks like this:

Year 1 – John

Establishes roots based on the truths of who Jesus is and understanding what it means to believe in Him.

Year 2 – Galatians

Provides a foundation for growth by gaining an understanding of the freedom we have in Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

Year 3 – James

Experience the pruning and maturing that comes as a result of studying what genuine faith looks like in the life of a believer.

After completing the Year 3, there are several options for women to branch out beyond discipleship. Women may consider joining the One Sent Ministry (1 Sent) whose goal is to teach and disciple believers to share their faith in our community by identifying hurting people and aiding them in their daily lives with the goal of sharing Christ’s love and the message of eternal life. Shepherding Women in Pain training is included in this last segment. And there are additional gatherings for the women that supplement this core intentionality.

Year 4 – Reflections of a Godly woman

Flourish through the study and application of the characteristics of a godly woman by studying the principles in Titus 2 and women in the Bible

Year 5 – To Know His Name

Be built up by experiencing God more intimately through a deeper study of His names as they are revealed in scripture, This study gives women the opportunity to further their biblical study skills and share what they have learned with their group.

Imago Dei Community includes “Women’s Formation” as a core of their ministry specifically for women, with this description, “Women’s Formation refers to the purposeful processes by which women discover and develop their identity in Christ. Its aim…is to empower women to recognize, cultivate and share their God-given gifts with each other, with Imago Dei, with Portland, and the world.” A Pastor of Women’s Formation oversees the variety of venues in which this is realized.

YES, Pastor! Certainly women join “with the rest of us as we Encourage, Edify and Evangelize.” It is simply the how that plays out that may vary.

The underlying question the Titus’ text triggers, remains, “Teach the older women….so they can train the younger women…” (Remembering every woman is older and younger than someone.) “What can we do to increase opportunity and enhance the effectiveness of older women ministering to younger women?”

We’d love to hear how you are doing this in your church.

Bev Hislop

Impact on a Decadent Culture

Bev Hislop — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 10:00:13 +0000

Titus lived in a decadent culture, Crete. Paul’s description of the people who lived in this society may sound familiar to us.

There are many rebellious people, mere talkers and deceivers . . . . They must be silenced, because they are ruining whole households by teaching things they ought not to teach and that for the sake of dishonest gain. Even one of their own prophets has said, ‘Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons.’ This testimony is true. . . . They claim to know God but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good. (Titus 1:10-13, 16 NIV)

What did Paul ask Titus to do for greatest impact in the Cretan culture? First, he asked Titus to “appoint elders in every town” (1:5). Second, he asked Titus to teach that which reflects sound doctrine (2:1). Then in Titus 2:2-10 Paul asked Titus to teach four specific people-groups: 1) older men, 2) older women, 3) younger men, and 4) slaves. Did you notice one people group missing from his list of people Titus himself should teach?

The people group that is omitted from the list is “younger women.” They are not included as recipients of Titus’ direct teaching. Why not? Are they left out entirely? Will their impact in a decadent society not be felt? On the contrary! Two verses in this passage focus on training younger women. If the length of the passage is an indicator of their importance, then younger women are at the top of the list! All other people groups are given instructions in one verse only! Perhaps the old saying “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” is actually biblical! The stories of Moses and Samuel certainly reflect the powerful impact of a mother’s early influence on a child’s life.

Then who is to train the younger woman? It is the older women. But not just any woman who is older. The training should be done by women who are “Reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women . . .”

Let’s look at these characteristics more closely. Are they any different than those characteristics of older men? Let’s compare. Make a list of the four characteristics of older men. Alongside, list those which are parallel from the list of older women.

Older Men; Older Women

1. Worthy of respect; Reverent in the way they live

2. Temperate; Not addicted

3. Self-controlled; Not slanderers

4. Sound in faith, love & endurance; Able to teach what is good

Do you see similarities? The list for older women begins with “likewise.” This draws us back to the previous verse, which was the list for older men. The characteristics of the older men and the older women in this list are indeed similar!

But when we see the characteristics of the older woman fleshed out in the life of a younger woman, we get a clearer picture of what they look like “with skin on.” A godly older woman can best “translate” the teachings of godliness into the life of a younger woman. Certainly being pure, kind, self-controlled and loving would not only impact the most intimate of relationships but all associations.

Compare this to the list given in I Tim 3:11, describing deaconesses.

Women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers, but temperate and trustworthy in everything

Does that list look familiar? It is essentially the same list! I love the summary characteristic: trustworthy in everything.

When you are looking for a friend, mentor, or older woman isn’t this the ribbon that wraps up the entire package of description? Don’t you want someone who is trustworthy in everything? A godly woman, defined by the lists in Titus 2 and I Tim 3 will be trustworthy in everything! An older woman who is able to teach what is good, will teach by her life and words soundness in faith, love and endurance. A younger woman who is taught by an older godly woman as described by Titus, will become trustworthy.

What about single women? Do you see the same characteristics flourishing in a single woman?

Women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers, but temperate and trustworthy in everything.

…reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good… self-controlled and pure…kind (I Tim 3:11; Titus 2:3,5)

Certainly these same characteristics are critical in the life of a godly single woman. Godly single woman can have strategic impact on their culture. Their voices are needed, indeed paramount to impacting a decadent society for good!

The relationships of the older woman in our text are not identified. Although we imagine she was married and had children at some point in her life, the text does not say this. Many single women make important contributions to married women, and moms. Many single women have a more expansive view of life and the ability to stretch beyond familiar territory. Nurture and companionship enhance most relationships. The influence of single women in biblical times, such as Miriam, Mary Magdelene, Mary of Bethany, and Martha, is still being felt today.

And every woman is older than someone and younger than someone.

Bev Hislop

Where is my capital “M?”

Guest Authors — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 11:00:05 +0000

Written by WS alumna Cathy Baldizon, MA

When we returned to the US after 20 years overseas I was confident that once I graduated from Western with a Masters in Pastoral Care to Women, the degree and what I had learned would ensure that the next time we were posted abroad a new paradigm of ministry would be waiting for me. No more part time jobs and ad hoc activities and ministries to women – something big was just around the corner!

A few years later my husband’s work moved us to a rather remote area of Mozambique. I went along expectantly, anxious to see what Ministry with a capital “M” God was going to open up for the new and improved me. However, several months and then a year or two went by with no capital “M” Ministry in sight. What I had was lots of time and only a few small, scattered activities to fill it. My roles included wife, friend, small group Bible Study facilitator, and occasional teacher at our Sunday night fellowship. I couldn’t understand why God had brought me all the way to Mozambique for this. Why did He have me study at seminary and then drop me in the middle of nowhere with no job or Ministry prospects in sight?

While all my small “m” ministries were nice, I was still waiting for the capital M!

Early last year I faced a huge disappointment and as I was trying to regain my bearings, God used a couple books to focus me. From The Power of Small by Jennifer Kennedy Dean, I learned that everything big is actually made up of a whole lot of small. “If a manger, hidden from the view of all but a few, can become the birthplace of the King, then nothing God calls us to is servile.” p. 55 and “When you are living with an awareness of the power of small, you will notice that some small, insignificant thing puts you where you need to be when you need to be there.” p. 133 Hmmmm…

Reading Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts, I learned “I can’t be receptive to God unless I receive what He gives.” p. 181 and I realized that if what He is giving are the mundane roles of wife and friend and an abundance of free time, then I need to set aside my expectations about needing a capital “M” Ministry in order to feel important. God lovingly pointed out that His preferred mode of using me, with or without a degree, is through a variety of small “m” ministries and an open schedule with lots of free time.

As I processed these insights I discovered value in the routine aspects of life and the activities I was involved with, rather than merely marking time until something bigger, better or more important would come along.

God has called me to the ministry of “being available”. Because I don’t have a full schedule I am available when needs arise – my husband needing our home to be a safe and welcoming retreat from his stressful job, a friend needing someone to accompany her to the dentist, a new woman in town needing to learn where to shop and how to adjust to the challenges in this remote corner of Mozambique, or a struggling mom needing a listening ear. I host a growing weekly English Bible study, recently started a Spanish Bible study with three Latin Americans, am part of a “growth and clarity” triad, spoke at a retreat for missionary women serving in Lesotho, and serve as mentor/counselor/Christian coach for several of the younger missionary wives and moms. I occasionally edit seminary theses or Christian books via internet and for a year I did sporadic consulting for the Mozambique Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative. As I review these past four years I see an incredible richness of experiences and opportunities to have an impact on others that couldn’t have happened if I had a capital “M” Ministry. In those hours and days when I have more free time than I would like, I realize that is a key part of my current call.

And that seminary degree…what I learned at Western has infused much of what I do in pastoral care, coaching, or teaching. While the degree itself hasn’t opened any specific doors that I know of, that doesn’t seem so critical any more. An interesting opportunity to use some of the tools I gained came up last August when I spoke at our small Sunday fellowship. When several crises rocked the expat community I was able to mitigate some of the fallout by teaching on Healthy Ways to Process Grief using notes and power points from a Women in Pain class I taught at the Western Sacramento campus in 2008.

In this time of “m” ministry I have learned much about myself and have seen impact in others’ lives. Little by little I have seen where a timely word, some coaching questions, a shoulder to cry on, or facilitation of connections has made a difference.

Now that we are leaving Mozambique for our next assignment, I see more clearly how the small “m” ministries were used by God to encourage, comfort and spark growth in other women and to stretch me to new understanding of what capital “M” Ministry really looks like.

I am grateful for these lessons.

Cathy Baldizon, MA

Life Coach – Joyfire Coaching

Fanning the flame of joy and purpose in life and ministry

Guest Authors

Carol, I, as a Member of Christ’s Body, Apologize to You

Bev Hislop — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 11:00:33 +0000

Carol, I, as a member of Christ’s body, apologize to you and the many women like you who have experienced incredible pain, marginalization and loss from the church because we have not reached out to you in your pain with understanding and compassion. I am so sorry! May you find it in your heart to forgive us. I know The Good Shepherd would wish more for His body. Oh, forgive us, Lord! Show us a new way. Show us the way of a shepherd.

Show us a new way…show us the way of The Good Shepherd

As I processed genuine grief and remorse for Carol and many like her, I asked what would our ministry to women like Carol (see previous 3 blogs) look like if we were to set as our objectives those the LORD uses in Ezekiel 34:

Feed the healthy
Strengthen the young
Heal/bind the injured
Search/care for the lost

What if we were to focus on shepherding the young, injured, and lost, to purposefully bring them to a place of health? What if we were to find women with the spiritual gifts needed to shepherd women? What if we were to give these women greater awareness and understanding of the issues that cause women injury? What if we were to study the example of the Good Shepherd to prepare these women to shepherd women?

Women are lost, injured, and young. Healthy women need to remain healthy and shepherd others who are lost, injured and young!

The good news for Israel and for us is that God says I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness (11, 12).

What a contrast when The Good Shepherd cares for the flock! Search out the nuggets of truth in Ezekiel 34 with me. How many benefits can you find?

The Good Shepherd

Searches for and rescues the sheep (11)
Cares for the sheep, leading them to rest (11, 15)
Feeds the sheep in rich pasturelands (13-14)
Searches for the lost and brings back the strays, binds up the injured and strengthens the weak (16)
Gives peace (25)
Rids the land of wild beasts (25)
Protects the sheep so they will live and sleep in safety (25)
Blesses the sheep and provides fruit (26-27)
Sends showers of blessings (26)
Provides security (27)
Breaks the yoke, rescues the sheep from enslavement, protects the sheep from being plundered and devoured by wild animals (27)
Causes the sheep to live in safety; allows no one to make them afraid (28)
Frees the sheep from being victims of famine and the objects of scorn (29)
Provide for their needs (29)

Then they will know that I the Lord am with them and that they… are my sheep, the sheep of my pasture and I am your God, declares the Sovereign LORD (Ezekiel 34:30-31).

Can you imagine women in your church and community experiencing even a few on this list? Imagine women finding places of safety, places to embrace Christ and gain health. Imagine these healthy women, who understand pain and the joy of healing, becoming shepherds to young, injured, and lost women. Certainly women would impact their culture in the way Paul exhorts Titus to teach older women to impact the decadent society of Crete!

May I suggest a new model of women’s ministry, a model that is structured with these four arms or branches? If every program, meeting, study or event fit into one of these areas, could we then be sure we were providing God-honoring, balanced pastoral care to our women? Our focus would be on people (healthy, young, injured, lost) rather than verbs (edify, evangelize), or events (Bible study, women’s tea). Could we ask the question, what do young, injured, and lost sheep need to become healthy reproducing sheep? What do healthy sheep need to stay healthy and become reproducing shepherds?

One such focus would identify women who are available to come alongside women in pain. (Obviously men would benefit from something similar, but since my primary focus has been ministry to/with women, women are the subject of these blogs.)

Shepherds of Women may be identified as women who have

experienced emotional pain
received healing
gained understanding of the issue(s) causing them pain
received training on shepherding others
modeled the four Titus characteristics
been approval by pastoral staff.

A resource list is compiled of women willing to be identified as Shepherds of Women and come along side women in pain. Pastoral staff and other church leaders then access this resource list as the need arises

A new model of women’s ministry focuses on Shepherds of Women as central to providing truly EFFECTIVE ministry to the broad scope of the needs of women. The focus is on women themselves, more than popular programs or events. Bible studies and events may be venues of ministry, but only as their purpose unequivocally is to lead women to The Living Water, Jesus Christ and the power of life transforming Gospel. In our desire to minister to women in pain we sometimes miscalculate the effectiveness of our delivery.

Some women can only receive sips of water from a teaspoon. In our eagerness to quench thirsts, we sometimes use a fire hose.

These blogs (and the book Shepherding a Woman’s Heart) are written in the hope that we can contribute to the solution, rather than criticize what the church is not doing. WE are the church, Christ’s body.

Men and women, I invite you to explore with me the elements needed to shift our focus so that we can begin changing this tide, one woman at a time. Perhaps the next Carol who comes through our church door will feel the awareness, understanding, compassion and skillful shepherding that Jesus would have given…the way of the Good Shepherd.

Bev Hislop

Dealing With Habits

John Johnson — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 11:00:24 +0000

One of my habits is to regularly write a post for this blog site. I am, after all, a mass of habits. I would like to think that my daily choices are the products of well-considered decision making, but as Charles Duhigg notes in his book, The Power of Habit, they are not. They are the result of patterns, many of which are ingrained and have become automatic over time.

Every Monday and Thursday I am on Highway 26 by 6:25 am, listening to Dan Patrick and the latest in sports news, with a tendency to stay in the right lane. I cross the Markham Bridge, take the 58^th exit, drive south on SE 60th to Hawthorne Blvd, head for the seminary parking lot, and park in the same space at the same SE corner next to the same large tree. People are so used to this that some avoid parking in this spot on these two days.

I do this because, as with most routines, I don’t have to think so much. As I have observed in myself and others (particularly my kids!), the brain is constantly looking for ways to save effort. And that might be okay for driving to seminary, but some habits are not okay. There is this habit to search for something sweet each night around 8:00pm. Something has become encoded in my brain after years of foraging for that one treat to cap off the day. I am cued to look at an incoming email, even when I am in the middle of a complex project. The good news is that habits can be changed, and this is the central argument of his book. Every habit, no matter how multifaceted, is malleable (as opposed to rigid). But you must first know how they work.

I’ve never thought about how habits work until I read this book. Duhigg described it as a three step loop. First, there is a cue, a “trigger” (I’m in the right lane on 26). Then there is the routine (turn on 750 AM and drive with the flow). Finally, there is a reward which helps the brain figure out if this loop is worth remembering (I get to seminary in a safe and reasonable manner). This is why every MacDonald’s, be they in Amsterdam or Manila or Portland are standardized—a constant cue to trigger the same eating routines. This is why, each morning, on cue, my Wire Fox Terrier lunges at me to grab my hand as I leave. His routine is to try to snap at it as if to intimidate. His reward is some deep satisfaction that he has established alpha supremacy in our home (at least it seems like this is what is going on, but honestly, I have no idea if these neurological cravings are at work because most of the time this dog seems to register no real brain activity).

Part of the key to changing habits (e.g. snacking at work) is to keep the same cue and same reward. Duhigg refers to this as “The Golden Rule of Habit Change”—“You can’t extinguish a bad habit. You can only change it.” If snacking is a way of interrupting the boredom, find another routine to satisfy the cravings—a quick walk or a 3 minute break on the Internet. The key is to identify the cue that signals the habit, as well as the reward that drives all of this. It is also important to believe such change is possible (of course, it is also important to build a life of discipline and will power).

The Power of Habit also addresses corporate habits. And this is the most interesting part of the book. Over time, organizations create a set of institutional habits. It may appear Village Church is making rational choices, but many of them are simply patterns which have been established over a long period of time. This is true of every church. If you want to test this out, start asking why we do things (hand out worship bulletins, create non engaging learning environments, pass offering bags) and measure the degree of thought that is behind most of our routines. A few years ago, in my first church, convinced that worship by definition is a response to revelation, I shifted much of the music, prayer, offering, etc. to the other side of preaching. People were obviously put off by all of this. Some were even outraged that I had messed with set liturgical form. But no one stopped to ask why we did it the other way. It had simply become a habit—a bad one at that.

Some habits need to change (biting nails, drinking Diet Coke). Some habits need to be created (time in the Word, prayer, sharing our faith, eating wholesome meals, working out). The great news is that habits can be what you choose them to be, if you understand how they work—and if you know who you want to be.

John Johnson

John is the lead pastor at Village Church in Portland, OR and Associate Professor of Pastoral Theology at Western Seminary. He also has a strong commitment to building the church worldwide, partnering and teaching ministries in Lebanon and India.

Carol, I do see hope in the church!

Bev Hislop — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:00:41 +0000

Yes, yes, yes, Carol. I DO see hope in the church! I too dream of the church becoming a place where people understand pain like yours and express care to people in your situation. Certainly a new focus—a new understanding of ministry is needed.

What could that look like?

In two previous blogs, (please see Do You See Any Hope in the Church? and I Rarely Go to Church Anymore) Carol’s penetrating question led me to re-think the effectiveness of our church ministries:

Bev, do you ever see the church becoming a place where people understand pain like this and express care to people in my situation? Frankly, I rarely go to church any more. The pain is too great.

First, I found myself looking at a powerful passage in the Old Testament and found that the Bible validates the painful outcome of poor shepherding. In Ezekiel 34 the Sovereign LORD called the shepherds of Israel harsh and brutal because they only cared about the “choice animals.” Their motivation for focusing on the choice animals was selfish. They enjoyed the curds and wool clothing they received from these animals. These shepherds cared for themselves rather than for the flock. Their agenda was destructive. The LORD’s accusations against Israel’s Shepherds were clear,

Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? . . . . You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost (2, 4)

How did this poor shepherding impact the flock? The sheep scattered because there was no shepherd to look for them or to care for them. As a result the sheep became food for all the wild animals.

Often women in pain (and men in pain—since my focus is primarily women, that will be the terminology in this blog) have “scattered” and become “food for wild animals” because there was no one to shepherd them. Pain is an open door for the enemy. It is a time of great vulnerability. It is a time when shepherding is most critical. Women who are willing to go beyond caring for “choice animals” are so needed!

Yes, even the choice animals need shepherding. But most of us in the body of Christ naturally gravitate to the healthy because like the shepherds in Israel, we receive something from our efforts. Women completing a weekly Bible study program often affirm their leaders and the Bible study experience. They have the good feelings of completion. There was a beginning and an end, and the end marked productivity. In the process they learned something more about the Bible and themselves. Success is measurable. We believe our efforts were well spent and we feel rewarded. Bible study is certainly gratifying and essential! Healthy sheep DO need good food and a safe environment in which to grow. But often our ministries to women are only ministries to the “healthy.”

How many ministries, groups or programs have you in your ministry to women that focus specifically on the “injured” or the “lost?” This kind of shepherding often gets messy and months later there are few visible signs of fruit. Often we find it difficult to measure our productivity and celebrate success. Delayed gratification is more difficult to embrace. Often lost sheep repel our efforts to search and rescue, with the result they are open season for hunters of all species.

Often the “young—whether young in physical or spiritual years—are not a primary focus in our planning. While their youthful energy is admired, other facets of their lives seem foreign to older women. The impulse is to influence them to live life in the comfort zone of the previous generation, rather than gleaning valuable perspective from a present generation. We invite them to join us, rarely taking initiative to visit their turf. Without a solid bridge to the younger generations, are we inadvertently putting these sheep in danger of becoming “food for wild animals?” The myriad of sounds vying for the attention of younger women is astounding. How will they distinguish between the voice of the Good Shepherd and the thief, the “wild animals?”

My heart aches as I meet women, like Carol, who have not found their Christian community to be a place of safety, but instead found shepherds who were apathetic, oblivious or harsh. Although I understand the urge to minister in arenas of comfort or familiarity, we cannot ignore the strong message of Ezekiel 34. The impact of poor shepherding is that sheep are

scattered (vs. 5)
plundered, become food for wild animals (5, 28)
victims of famine (29)
afraid (28)
object of scorn (29)
without hope of rescue (6)

Women in pain are wandering over all the mountains and on every high hill (Ezek. 34:6). They are scattered on a day of clouds and darkness (Ezek. 34:12) and no one is looking for them. They are victims of famine, afraid, often ashamed. They have been used, abused, and refused. They are thirsty for spiritual life, searching in unsafe places for a drink of water. Contaminated water is increasing their pain and extending the life of their illness. They essentially are abandoned by ones who have the Living Water!

What would our ministry to women look like if we were to set as our objectives those the LORD uses in Ezekiel 34?

Feed the healthy
Strengthen the young and weak
Heal and bind up the injured
Search and care for the lost.

Bev Hislop

I Rarely Go to Church Anymore…

Bev Hislop — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 11:00:14 +0000

Carol’s own personal pain (see previous blog, Do You See Any Hope in the Church?) generated a penetrating question that required more than a trite response:

I was stunned. Words directed to God poured from my heart on my drive home, summarized by, “God what can I do in my small corner of the world to change this tide?! Isn’t it your desire that people flock to the church when they are in emotional pain—not flee! Isn’t your heart’s intention that people in pain be met with compassion, understanding, and appropriate care—like Jesus gave? Essentially Jesus’ redemptive power? The power of the Gospel?

God’s response to my cries on her behalf set me on a surprise trajectory that in essence has determined my life’s path. Some of those discoveries are reflected in these blog posts. Others are given in Western Seminary’s classrooms, authored books and other venues.

What was Carol’s initial need?

Just as a paramedic first looks at the source of the bleeding, we need to focus first on the injury. A patient who is bleeding profusely cannot receive instruction on how the accident might have been prevented. What the patient needs at that point is emergency care from someone who understands what is needed to stop the bleeding and what are the “normal” symptoms of this specific injury. Once the initial source of bleeding is discovered and addressed, then more long-term and even preventative instruction can be received from the patient’s established health care provider.

Too often the body of Christ starts with preventative instruction, then long-term directives. The woman is told to memorize scripture or pray more. This is valuable and needful instruction, but it is not timely when the patient is bleeding emotionally, panic-stricken or confused. In essence women are often told, “Just get over it. Stop the tears and just move on! This isn’t that bad.”

My friend Carol needed someone to be present with her in her pain. She needed someone who could encourage her to cry, even when Carol was afraid she might not stop crying. She needed someone who understood that feelings of shock, disbelief, anger and bargaining are all part of the grief process. Carol needed someone safe encouraging her to express the feelings of betrayal and injustice.

It IS healthy to feel the pain. Crying is cathartic. It is an essential step toward healing.

Once the patient is given emotional CPR, she is watched carefully for stabilizing responses and treated accordingly. Our first concern in giving directive instructions should be her emotional state. Once she is in a safe place and stabilized emotionally, she may be able to think more clearly. Our continue prayers are essential. The truths of Scripture move us to reflect Christ well in every aspect of our interaction with her.

Effective pastoral care to women first focuses on the emotional pain and how she processes it.

Secondly, attention is given to the issues that cause women pain. A shepherd would know Carol needed to feel the pain before she was ready to think about the next step of her life. A shepherd responds with compassion. She will skillfully dispense pastoral care that is timely and appropriate.

Thirdly, effective pastoral care continues moving toward the goal of bringing this woman to a place of health. Obviously the power of the Gospel and the truth of Christ’s fully redeeming power will be part of this process. An effective shepherd understands this will take time and multiple resources. She coaches the woman toward making decisions that lead to health and maturity. A shepherd knows when to refer to professionals while offering the pastoral care needed on the journey to recovery.

(More on this in my next blog)

An effective shepherd of women will stop the bleeding before giving the vitamins.

Bev, do you ever see the church becoming a place where people understand pain like this and express care to people in my situation?

What could that look like?

(Taken from Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, B. Hislop, Moody Publishers)

Bev Hislop

Do You See Any Hope in the Church?

Bev Hislop — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:00:48 +0000

I sat across the lunch table with a former key staff member of a well-known Christian ministry. We briefly exchanged stories and then Carol (not her real name) said, Bev, tell me the truth. Do you see any hope in the church?

Hope? I asked.

Carol continued. After my husband, a committed church leader, walked out on our 20-year marriage for a younger woman, I was devastated. I wish I could tell you someone from the church expressed care, understanding or support. But instead everyone avoided me, no one called or even came to pray with me.

After meeting with our pastor, I realized even he did not understand how much pain I was in. All he said was to make sure I studied the Bible and prayed every day.

Frankly, I wish I could have studied the Bible every day, but the pain and shock of it all hurt so deeply there were days I thought I wouldn’t be able to catch my next breath, let alone concentrate enough to read or study. I could only pray three words, ‘Help me Jesus!’

The most humiliating day of my life was the day I finally walked into my doctor’s office to ask for an AIDS test. Even though I had remained pure before and during my marriage, when I found my husband was a sex addict, I knew I was at risk. It took me weeks to gather the courage to go. As I approached the receptionist, I looked around, felt my face grow hot, then whispered, ‘I came for an AIDS test’. I felt so alone and so ashamed.

Bev, do you ever see the church becoming a place where people understand pain like this and express care to people in my situation? Frankly, I rarely go to church any more. The pain is too great, Carol admitted.

Is this a unique story? I wish it were.

Usually I am a defender of the church. I believe it is Christ’s bride, his body on earth. Having been a pastor’s wife for many years, I know it is more difficult to bring change on the inside than it appears from the outside. It is also easier to criticize what the church is not doing, than it is to jump in and contribute to the solution.

But on that winter day in February, I heard Carol’s pain. I had heard it too many times before. And I had no words of defense to offer.

Each school term I hear students of all ages express similar pain. Women often tell me that my seminary classroom is the first place they have found where they could admit their source of pain and feel accepted and understood.

I have discovered that once students hear the story of a woman who has experienced the pain of abortion, betrayal or domestic abuse they begin to feel a new level of compassion. Once students feel compassion, they open their hearts for an increased awareness of the issue causing the pain. This deeper understanding of the pain motivates students to acquire shepherding skills. This progression has become predictable.

Often in our desire to resist sin, we can miss seeing a real person behind a past sin. Even when we know domestic abuse is wrong, we can transfer our doubts about the “real story” behind the scenes onto the victim. Then we find it hard to feel compassion or express care. We are still in the judging stage, wondering if she “deserves” our intervention. The very ones she had hoped would understand and offer care only multiply the enormous pain and self-doubt she already feels. She again is marginalized and further immobilized.

We look at our full slate of Bible studies and women’s church programs and wonder why women like Carol do not feel accepted or why they are not involved. Our beautifully decorated Christmas Luncheons and Spring Teas are admittedly not “pulling her in.” Our busy pastors may meet with her. She may even attend Sunday services. But we sense we are not really connecting with her. We are not really meeting her where she is. Where does she fit? What do we do for her?

On that day Carol’s question, “Bev, do you ever see the church becoming a place where people understand pain like this and express care to people in my situation?” continued to dig deep into my soul as I cried out to God, tears running down my cheeks, all the way home.

God’s answer surprised me.

See next week’s blog for more…

Bev Hislop