The Disenchanted Uterus

Valentine Schmalentine

2012-02-07T16:03:00.002-07:00

Is anyone else bugged that February 10th through 14th flowers triple in price? How about $65 for the smallest and most uncomfortable underwear imaginable all for a 2 minute “show”? It took every ounce of gumpshion I could muster to make the kids Valentine’s this year. And this was my latest craft project: Then there's the dilema about getting flowers at work. If everyone elses gets them you

I am...

2012-01-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well meaning friends often ask how I am doing. Most days there is not an easy answer for that. I am not sure how I am most of the time. I have become numb to my life. Most nights I am fine with being holed up in my craft room until he passes out. Others I really want to veg in front of the tv. The problem with that is if I go where he is there will be interaction. If he's in a good mood there

They call me grace for a reason

2012-01-19T12:03:00.001-07:00

Winter has finally come. It was late this year and I can't say I was unhappy about the lingering fall weather. Especially yesterday when Winter decided to appear compete with a different kind of fall. The stories of Fall: Last fall I was ripping out the remains of my hosta's in the front yard. I was pushing the garbage can with the lid open in front of me. (Yes I can read and yes I NOW know

Eggshells

2012-01-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

For me, the worst part of living with an alcoholic is eggshells. You find your self tip-toeing around. Tip-toeing around the house or the conversation. One wrong move and you’ll be just another idiot in a fight with a drunk. The drunk always wins and not because he’s right but because you finally wise up and stop fighting. You can stop being the idiot but the drunk has to sober up. And

Doomed from the start

2011-11-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

My Mom gave me a necklace that held a beautiful medallion of the Virgin Mary to commemorate the day. It was amazing in its delicate nature and intricate detail. It was also “new” and had “blue” as it’s main color so it had two of the things all brides we supposed to have. We had spent months preparing for this day. Finding someone to make a cake and praying she made it to May 20th since she

Time to blab about what I'm thankful for - Part II

2011-11-04T05:56:00.003-06:00

It’s the time of year for giving thanks and you know me, I’m such a follower! NOT! If you want the non- sarcastic version please visit yesterday’s post… Oh wait, that one’s not serious either…. I am thankful for: 1. Relatives. They have bestowed upon me bad genes in spades. There is the fat gene, as well as the increased risk of cancer and heart disease. What’s not be thankful for? What they

Time to blab about what I'm thankful for - Part I

2011-11-03T17:55:00.000-06:00

It’s the time of year for giving thanks and you know me, I’m such a follower! NOT! Today is the list of positive things I’m thankful for. Tomorrow is the flip side, I don’t want you to think I’ve taken leave of my senses and gone to mush! I am thankful for: 1. My Mom whom I rely on a great deal. She has always been such a supportive person. And damn it, she’s usually right. (Mom – that was your

Knowledge is power...

2011-11-02T10:47:00.003-06:00

Things I’ve learned lately… Saying “right?” at the end of sentence will get you laughed at in some circles. It is also a great way to halt conversation… Crisco has many uses up to and including moisturizer. (No, Jen I am not doing this I swear!) The very reliable source in this case would be my mother. And she’s always (yes that was hard to type) right. Right? If there is a rare medical

The Big Top

2011-11-01T10:46:00.000-06:00

I’m considering running away and joining the circus. This is hysterical because my life is a circus. However I feel the actual circus would be a nice vacation… Maybe I could just hang out and swing…. Maybe I could learn to juggle something other than time…. The downfall would be the makeup. I just had a chemical peel so I can’t wear any. Oh, wait, because of the chemical peel I don’t

The unicorn, does he or doesn't he exits?

2011-10-03T11:03:00.000-06:00

I often tell my nieces: “choices” while rolling my eyes at the King. This is usually after he does something that makes me shake my head wondering what I was thinking. The girls however are usually laughing their heads off because he’s such a train wreck. I encourage them to be careful in their choices since Lord knows I should not pick for anyone else given my track record. My dad always told

A letter to Karma

2011-09-28T12:27:00.000-06:00

Dear Karma It seems you have misfired. The Uncle that has been stricken with Cancer is NOT the one you meant to get. Of this I am sure. I am certain you meant to strike his pedophile brother. Or the one that would rip off his own brother nearly bankrupting him. Please not the one I love so dearly. The one with kind eyes and a gentle way. Not the one that would do anything for you because he is

The amazing escape act

2011-09-12T11:16:00.003-06:00

This is very misleading: You thinks she is all sugar and spice. Oh, wait, is she sitting in the King's leather chair like she owns it? Hmmmm First I came home to water bowl full of urine. I would love to have seen how that played out. Then it was her greeting us at the door. Apparently that wire dog kennel is not match for her. So then we put the kennel against the wall to prevent her

Looking for lessons in Cat-y-ness

2011-09-05T20:06:00.000-06:00

I am great at being a bitch. I can provide references to prove I have serious skills. If I have something to say I will say it straight on right to your face. You always know where you stand with me. I'm not good as making a cat-y comment to side step what I am really trying to say. I actually think that's the pussy way out. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Even if it makes you a

My poor baby

2011-09-02T05:05:00.001-06:00

At first glance you think she is wearing stylish hot pink socks... At second glance your notice not only are they not socks but bandages. And not only are her feet a mess, so is her tummy... We had her spayed and chipped which is normal stuff. The feet however, are not normal. Once again I'd like to thank the asshat breeder for not have her dewclaws removed when she was a pup. It's 100 times

Things I don't understand Thursday

2011-09-01T06:19:00.002-06:00

Things I don’t understand Thursday Pasta sauce: I buy it at the store, bring it home and put it in storage (very organized storage mind you). When we run out it goes on the list and I buy more. Did I mention I do 99.9% of the cooking? Shorts: The King has a favorite pair that if I don’t confiscate when he is at work to wash would never be clean. I like to play a game of hide the shorts when

I'm entiteled to what??

2011-08-31T12:58:00.000-06:00

I am noticing an alarming trend. Apparently I missed the boat somewhere along the line. There are people out there relatively close to the same age as me some even older, who's parents provide everything groceries to Harley's to houses for their day to day life. Not just one time gifts but EVERYTHING. These spoiled brats seem to think they don't have to work either. I guess if I were handed

The opposite of the little black book

2011-08-25T12:12:00.000-06:00

I have done it. As a service to my single friends I have started the “LIST”. I am helping them construct a list of dates gone wrong so they can network the list to make sure they aren’t wasting their time trying to get to know a dude someone else dated and ditched. Especially when he turned out to be a “leg humper” or parolee who skips out on the check. Who wants to waste 2 months

Memories from a girls trip

2011-08-17T14:44:00.000-06:00

The ones that belong to Mom: "I can't phantom how you would make a living out here in the middle of no where" PHANTOM... fathom maybe? Yes the word phantom was used incorrectly all weekend With regards to a woman walking down the road: "She's not old, she's worn" And while my Sister was making a 100 point turn on a mountain road: "I jarred my knee trying to stop the car". Mind you my sister

Some things just have to be said

2011-08-08T11:29:00.000-06:00

You are not Rhianna so you do NOT look good in bright maroon hair. STOP THE MADNESS!!! And if I see anyone wearing beef, rest assured I will snatch it off them and find the nearest BBQ grill. Nipples be damned. There is some truth to stereotyping. Get a sense of humor already! Any day of the week I can look out and see a Mexican dude mowing the lawn. He can’t speak to me in English but does a

Piss on ya

2011-08-05T06:53:00.002-06:00

While on my sabbatical in July I had a few adventures. They mostly included the Jeep. Stuck in a snow drift in July. Abby's first time in the water. We naturally picked the coldest water around for her to start off in. But most of all I remember being marked. We had been the jeep for quite a long time this particular day. We had gotten out a long the way to stretch but it had

Boob fest, not to be confused with a BOOBIE fest

2011-08-03T19:16:00.000-06:00

I need to cry in my soup for a minute so bear with me. I am in a down cycle. For those not familiar with depression, it means that I am in a not great place in my head. I can’t decide if my meds have stopped working or if I am expecting too much from them with all that is going on in my life right now. I hate to adjust my meds when maybe what I need is to adjust my life. The King is drinking

MIA

2011-08-03T18:40:00.000-06:00

If you’re not feeling the love because I have been missing here don’t feel bad. You aren’t the only one… Abby isn’t feeling the love because I haven’t been working on her training. Hence the fact she still jumps and nips. She does however do a cute little roll when I knee her for jumping on me. It’s like a summer salt. I am not sure how much longer she will be this agile… Does that count as

Weekend recap

2011-06-20T16:40:00.000-06:00

Tales from the Whine Bottle

2011-06-17T05:15:00.001-06:00

You may have noticed from my last few posts I am on one. In fact you are probably ducking so that I don’t come at you, right? Never fear, I am on a different kick so your safe! Remember when you were in your 20’s and just woke up with a hangover and started drinking again to avoid it catching up to you? Remember when you were in your 30’s and woke up with a hangover so you stopped drinking as