theDon

Hobo Signs

2007-03-21T02:15:00.000-05:00

Hobos have signs that ask for money, shelter, etc.. they’re usually normal and straightforward. If only the hobos got smarter and tried some wit or irony, some intellectual banter..

If these were hobo signs, I would totally pay.

------

Go ahead, spit on me, I bet you a household meal I will still be in a good mood.

I’m hispanic and dirty and homeless. And confused by the law of causality.

We are aware you find us intriguing.

I’m vegan.

I’m homeless because I don’t believe in a material life.

Looking for a managerial position.

I patented all gay jokes. Pay me royalties.

I will pray for your health.

Willing to tell stories about supernatural encounters. All religions welcome.

Children are starving in Africa, fatass.

I intend to spend your money on drugs and booze.

I support your political views.

I boost your self-esteem. Compensate me.

Do something charitable, asshole.

I represent a spirited left-leaning stereotype. Our passion speaks volumes.

Since December..

2007-03-12T15:30:00.000-05:00

Excuse my winter hiatus from this blog. I hibernated.

I shall continue. Enjoy.

Go Make Me a Burrito: Vol. III .. Women and their PMS Ratio

2007-03-12T15:17:00.001-05:00

Go Make Me a Burrito: An Objective Treatise on Female Inferiority

Women develop refined tactics to annoy you. They pass this information down to their female offspring. It is not easy to calculate behavior so that they produce the greatest irritation. Women are a lazy lot. Granted, their definition of lazy is different from that of men (more on this later), they still seek to accomplish tasks with optimal efficiency. The ratio of the amount of annoyance caused to the amount of effort exerted is known as the progressively-more-subsistent ratio, or PMS ratio. In Asian cultures, this is also called hardness coefficient (HC). Other than being different from the PMS ratio in that it figuratively illustrates more irritable women as “harder,” the HC also correlates to Moh’s hardness scale in terms of the potency of the material used in response to an irritating woman. Beatings, more properly known as abuse or assault, are of course no way condoned by this text. It would be an insult to manhood to waste energy that could be more righteously spent in video-gaming or binge eating.

The skill of maximizing the PMS ratio is acquired through genetic inheritance, honed by adolescence, and mastered only at the latest stages of adulthood. For instance, the toddler may demonstrate behavior such as crying that require your immediate attention, irritating you greatly. However, because the toddler is only in the early stages of her development, she has yet to fully grasp the concept of maximizing the PMS ratio because she exerts a great deal of effort in crying. During adolescence, girls most commonly irritate by asking for money. Though she exerts minimal effort, the annoyance can be countered with a grateful and complacent “no.” By the time that women have honed their abilities to substantial optimization of the PMS ratio, they exert little effort in bringing about tremendous frustration. The typical adult female strategically places her succinct but powerful interruptions to maximize aggravation. This usually involves a simple command or instruction during the critical moments of a television show or right after you’ve gotten comfortable on the sofa. In this manner, women optimize the PMS ratio by causing a great deal of aggravation with diminutive effort. More cognitively adept females indirectly signal their subtle needs by phrases such as “I’m cold” or “I’m hungry.” This furthermore enhances the PMS ratio by compounding the prospect of disappointment with the lack of guilt due to the indirect nature of the comment.

To be continued…

Past volumes:

Volume 1: What it means to say the word “women”

Volume 2: Women and the Wheel

Guides to reading Burrito: women terms | generalizations

Report: President Bush to be Replaced to Bolster the Public Image of the Administration

2006-12-03T13:08:00.000-06:00

Following a series of resignations and dismissals that were consequences of scandals and/or disapproval of the administration, president Bush has looked to his advisors for further solutions.

His cabinet committee, having spent millions on consultation and analysis, has exhausted a three month study, concluding that replacing president Bush would be the best course of action at this point.

The report provided incontrovertible evidence.

“The facts don’t lie,” Bush said, “And I intend to follow the facts.”

“Because the facts don’t lie,” Bush said again.

Go Make Me a Burrito: Vol. II .. Women and the Wheel

2006-11-13T16:58:00.001-06:00

Go Make Me a Burrito: An Objective Treatise on Female Inferiority

Women and the wheel. A female driver is an oxymoron. Women do not drive when they’re behind the wheel. Rather, they exhibit a state of frantic panic and imbalance. Ironically, women clinging desperately on to the wheel in front of them, with momentary shifts due to the unevenness in strength of the contracting muscles in their arms, produce the subtle movements necessary to maintain a straight path. One would surmise that this method of maintaining the linear motion of the car is highly unstable and susceptible to failure. This is very true. In fact, 99% of automobile accidents are caused by women. The recorded figure, of course, is not nearly as high because women have the innate ability to bicker their way out of any given situation. Men tend to choose to pay liability losses rather than listen to the incessant rants of women, hence facilitating the common stereotype of men as reckless drivers. Myth busted.

To be continued…

Past volumes:

Volume 1: What it means to say the word “women”

Guides to reading Burrito: women terms | generalizations

On Iraq Policy, Which is Easier: Change Your Mind or Resign?

2006-11-12T02:30:00.000-06:00

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned.

Before the decision, Bush readily defended the course of actions in Iraq. Following the resignation, Bush became “open to any idea” on Iraq, looking for a “fresh new perspective.”

After meeting with President Bush Monday, a panel of prestigious Americans will begin deliberations to chart a new course on Iraq, with the goal of trying to stabilize the country with a different U.S. strategy and possibly begin withdrawing more than 140,000 troops.

[source: http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,650206495,00.html]

So, apparently the fact that Rumsfeld was in office prevented any means for an Iraq exit. Changing his mind was simply not an option. He had to step down. Only then can we change our policy in Iraq.

Also, from the same article, the midterm election was “widely seen as a repudiation of the Bush Iraq policy.” Hmm, so the fact that we were getting our asses kicked, sending soldiers to die, for no apparent reason in the first place was no repudiation of the policy? There’s gotta be some analysis somewhere in some multi-million-dollar intelligence agency that handed a report to Bush saying “We’re fucking up the war, we should probably get out.”

"Favorites" in "Your" "Social Networking" "Profile"

2006-11-12T01:40:00.000-06:00

Social networking sites like facebook all offer profiles with your favorites. Favorite movies, books, music, etc.

But everybody likes Grey’s Anatomy, Friends, Family Guy, Shawshank Redemption, whatever. Everybody likes the same shit.

[for those of you currently shouting ~~“Fuck you!”~~ “I disagree!” - understand the meaning of generalizations]

What about what you don’t like?

Your dislikes say a lot more about who you are than your favorites. So why not have a dedicated “I’m pissed off by” section?

I mean, if profiles were meant to speak about who you are, then they should include dislikes. Otherwise, it just makes it seem as if people are faking it, dressing themselves up to be who they really aren’t.

Oh wait, this is exactly the point of social networking sites. Ok, my bad, nevermind.

The Meaning of Generalizations. Stereotypes. Quit Complaining

2006-11-12T01:32:00.000-06:00

A statement like “black people are athletic” or “women are stupid” is offensive. Someone black might respond with “yo, don’t be racist, homes” .. someone woman [adjective use] might say “No I’m not! Hmph!”

But when it comes down to it, generalizations really are true. I mean, Cmaaaan.

If I say “black people are athletic,” I don’t mean every single one is. Nor do I mean that is the whole of your purpose, that you are nothing else but some athletic physical specimen.

When I say, and I will, “women are maudlin,” I don’t mean that is the completeness of their existence. I don’t mean 24/7 that’s what they do.

It refers to a general trend. A likely correlation, not a predetermining causality.

Oh yeah, to say “No I’m not” in response is completely irrelevant. Your one exception is no counterexample to a general trend.

Am I condoning racism? No. Racism stems from the maliciousness associated with such generalizations. It takes another step.

Women Terms

2006-11-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

I’m coining this, bitch.

The term “women” shall now be associated with the negative stigma of females.

Whereas female refers to only gender, “women” shall also connote their emotional fragility, cussed idiosyncrasies, and the stereotypical truths surrounding them.

It can now also be used as an adjective, for example, “that’s such a woman move” or “somebody woman” means the association of the aforementioned connotations.

Note:

“Girls” refers to objects to be lusted after, or discussed as a generic topic amongst guys. “Chicks” is used similarly, except with condescension.

Go Make Me a Burrito: An Objective Treatise on Female Inferiority .. Vol. I

2006-11-08T22:22:00.001-06:00

All women are highly sensitive, especially in response to generalizations about their kind. The straying comment that has the word “women” followed by a contextual suggestion, even truthful ones, will never go undetected or met with passing acknowledgement. In fact, regardless of reasoning or intent, the comment will be countered by a wave of unkemptly woven arguments that encompass the entire history of all women and their plight. The author of the comment will be met with unfathomable suggestions and accusations with no remote link to the original basis of the comment, but rather will be completely annihilated both by receiving a astonishing stream of generic rhetoric that will make reference to multiple stages of the history of women’s rights as well as by the complex, confused, yet unwarranted guilt seeded by this response. The author will be struck blind, deaf, dumb, and forever banished from his existence.

To be continued..

Any Tall Chinese Guy = Yao Ming

2006-11-03T11:09:00.000-06:00

After recently pointing out the ridiculousness in comparing NBA stars to up-and-comers, I thought that I had covered them all as inane as they got.

But ESPN proves me wrong. In a recent article, Yi Jianlian, a 19-year-old basketball player from China was given permission to enter the 2007 draft. Here's what the article had to say about him:

Chinese forward Yi Jianlian, a 19-year-old rising star touted by many as the next Yao Ming..

Ok, so because he's 6' 11'' and he's Chinese, he's the next Yao Ming? Nice.

Wait, I'm mistaken, it also says that his "on-court moves have brought comparisons to Yao." Oh, so it's also his moves. Like the basic jump-shot Yao takes? Or the fundamental drop-step and the generic, not-at-all idiosyncratic dunks?

Yao has no special "Yao" moves, they're moves by a 7-6 big man playing the game of basketball. And that's what Yi Jianlian does, he plays basketball. But I guess these are musings of a chimerical basketball maven too esoteric for the common public to understand. So he must just be Yao Ming.

Link to ESPN article

The Only Difference Between NBA Legends and Up-and-Comers: AGE

2006-10-27T19:45:00.000-05:00

Fail-safe rules to comparing established stars to up-and-comers:

Any seven footer who can shoot is the next Dirk Nowitzki

Any white guy ~~who can’t jump~~ but is half decent is the next Bird

Any lengthy swingman who has a jump-shot is the next Mcgrady

Any fatass around three hundred pounds is the next Shaq.

Bullshit bullshit bullshit. Hey reporters, hey sportswriters, stick to what you do best mkay – asking stupid questions, parading horrendous taste in fashion (wait no that’s just Craig Sager), and recycling the same material over and over. Stop with the attempts to sound like experts with your comparisons.

They’re insults to the legends that have taken their skill-sets to new levels, who’ve worked years to build reputations and put in a tremendous amount of work to do so.

I often hear people say something like, “If I were seven feet tall and three hundred pounds I would have millions of dollars and championship rings like Shaq." Sorry, but the only things you’d have are a hormonal disease and low self-esteem.

Shaq isn’t Shaq just because he’s big. He’s Shaq because he’s big and athletic and muscular and fit and a ton of things. In fact, being big, it’s harder to be all those other things – to put it eloquently.

The same applies with all the other legendary or would be legendary players who are slandered by comparisons to up-and-comers with no reputation whatsoever. What’s with the Morrison/Bird comparison? Ok, people will give me that Morrison doesn’t have a three point shot, doesn’t pass as well, doesn’t rebound as well. What about one other small detail – he hasn’t done jack shit yet.

LeBron James is Magic/Jordan? Please. These comparisons appeared before he even got into the NBA, let alone the playoffs. If by “James is a mix of Magic and Jordan” you mean that he can pass and score, why don’t you just say he can pass and score? A name like Magic and Jordan are built on their already established reputations, their historical performances versus the potential in James.

Stop forgetting that legends are built not on talent alone but on what they’ve done, so a name like Michael Jordan resonates not by his vertical leap but by his consistent historical dominance on the game’s highest stages.

The Last Kiss: Commentary on Life by Abortive Platitudes

2006-10-22T13:17:00.000-05:00

Before I begin making fun of the disappointing movie that was The Last Kiss:

1. Zach Braff shall not be insulted due to his brilliance in the making of Garden State. He will be substituted for the punching bag of humor, Keanu Reeves.

2. Rachel Bilson is not an actress. She has the same personality on camera and in real life. Thus, insulting her would be libel. And I refuse to commit libel because I am a man of morals.

Keanu Reeves. His gaze, his chill.

He stares, but he doesn’t see. He glances without motion.

Keanu Reeves is having a crisis, he doesn’t know if he wants to marry the woman he loves. What shall he do?

He shall make a movie exposing to the world the utter uniqueness of his situation, his sentiments.

Keanu: “Ah, jitters before marriage? How uncommon. The only solution I see is to have sex with a random girl ten years younger than me.”

Producers: “Crap, our plot is too simple. Let’s add irrelevant storylines for some sub-par humor.”

Let’s also throw in a pmsing woman because every audience loves superfluous annoyance.

At the end, the guy sleeps for three days on the porch to redeem himself and everything is jolly. Inexplicable. I would be happy to sleep anywhere for three days, let alone having people leave me food and stuff.

Cornicles

2006-10-21T16:38:00.001-05:00

Rantoul, IL – I was excited to be officially indoctrinated as a Midwesterner today. I went to a cornfield maze.

When I first saw the field of corn, I was, well, surprised. I don’t know why - I don’t know what I expected, but it was literally a maze of corn. I guess you just don’t expect something so plainly literal.

I believe the entire enterprise was brilliant. You grow corn, you feed your family with the corn, and then you charge people for walking through your corn. It’s societal survival at its finest – these people are centuries ahead of capitalism or socialism.

As I walked through the paths with corn surrounding all over, I began to daydream like I always do. At moments when I came back to reality I felt a revelatory sameness. So identical that it was salient. So plain it was exciting. I think in these depths lied Einstein’s relativity – that, in a corn maze, when you stop thinking for awhile and then you start again it’s like time passed but nothing happened. Only that you’ve moved. A paradox of time and space and reality. wooo

Although we wanted to be the fastest at getting through the maze, I felt it hard to be strategic or mathematical when you’re surrounded by corn. You just feel so out of place. Although a wide range of skill levels were involved, competing for the figurative trophy of the best at randomly walking. There were children, of course; but there was also a German guy navigating fervently with one of those, ya know, GPS/palm/make-calls/take-pictures/wipe-your-ass handheld devices.

Every adventure is once upon a time, but every needs an end. Because, if not, well, then fairy tales wouldn’t be extraordinary. They’d be life. Unfortunately, I cannot confidently distinguish this experience as either.

The Next 1984, We, or Brave New World

2006-10-17T23:58:00.000-05:00

Somebody should really write a book with the thematic symbolism of the NBA. Could be one of those dystopian classics, challenging the very basis of humanity. It could be awfully deep.

Think about it, the NBA is an administration, a system that has its strict rules. They are rules that are highly specific, yet arguably trivial in comparison with the means of the real world.

Thus, mirroring a normal lifestyle in the framework of the NBA makes life everything.

The concept of the court is like a cage, the boundary apparent with the rules that apply on it versus the lack of rules outside it. Putting on a display to satiate animal instincts are battling physical specimens.

And on an individual level? The players are slaves to their work, their dedication. And they believe in something so completely it engulfs their purpose.

Yet in the end: it’s all for entertainment.

And in the end: it’s all just a game. A game.

Faces

2006-10-17T02:29:00.000-05:00

We see faces every day. But how?
Do we see them as anatomical structures – nose, ears, eyes and lips?
Do we see them as ideals? As concepts?
As triggers?
As indicators?
Do we see them as emotions, as feelings?
Do we measure them as thoughts,
Do we watch them as animations?
How do we see faces? ..On how they see us?
Do we see them as masks? As barriers?
Do we sense them as moods? Subconscious?
Do we surmise a separate entity? Can we?

Have you seen a stranger’s face that felt familiar?
Faces are as they are.
But to see faces ought to be to transcend ourselves.

A Photo a Day for a Year. Great Idea

2006-10-16T18:37:00.000-05:00

Take a photo a day for a year. That’s the photojojo concept.

Their webpage sports that it’ll look something like this:

Wow, absolutely tremendous, the photography is just excellent. But what a suggestion, since in reality the collection would look a little something like this:

Yeah probably those “oh crap I forgot to take a photo” quick let’s snap a bedroom or self-portrait shot. And I’m too lazy to get up so I’ll just use my webcam to maintain a sitting posture.

Aimed at photographers w/ photography jobs means they probably take more than a photo a day anyway. Aimed at regular working people who have a camera, well, they have a job, and they have things to do most of which don’t involve pretty colors or bright lights.

Read to Achieve Feminism

2006-10-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

Somebody please explain to me why girls like to wear shorts with words on their asses.

Surely no complaints that it’s a comfortable excuse to stare, but do girls actually enjoy knowing that they don’t know when guys are staring at their asses behind them?

“Slut,” “ho-bag,” “bitch,” “USA pride,” (I’m making these up because well, ironically, I don’t remember what any of them actually said) are words better left to the realms of hands-on debates regarding the political ramifications and group dynamics triggered by idiosyncratic character flaws, also known as catfights.

If it’s fashion, call me stupid. If it’s a statement, what are you advocating?

They might as well write:

“object”

“take me off”

“crease here”

“bi-partisan”

“whole”

“welcome”

“topography”

Questions Sports Reporters Love to Ask That Reveal Revolutionary Truths

2006-10-08T23:04:00.001-05:00

Pre-game

“What are you looking to do tonight?”

-- Well usually I’d say “play-hard and win” but these past couple days I’ve been getting this terrible blister on my big left toe so I’d really like it if we switched it up tonight and just half-assed it for a close loss.

“What would you say you’d have to do to win this game?”

-- I would say the most important thing that we have to do is put more points up on the scoreboard. As long as we do that, we’ll have the game in the bag.

“Are you hyped up for this game?”

-- Nah, I’m not into hip-hop music and adrenaline and stuff. Before games, I like to kick back with a nice cold bottle of IBC root-beer and play cards with my grandma.

Half-time

“What adjustments did coach make in the locker room?”

-- Oh coach told us to play better. He made this poster with great big letters that spelled “p-l-a-y b-e-t-t-e-r” and he pointed to each letter individually with a really cool laser pointer interspersed with screaming “You!” and pointing to different players. It’s really gonna set the tone for the second half.

Personally, though, I think what we need to do is just go out and do what we didn’t do during the first half of the game. We need to not make mistakes. We need to play better than the other team plays. I think if we can do that, we’ll go home with a double-W for “We Won!”

Post-game

“How excited are you that you won the game?”

-- Um, I would like to say sort-of excited, but I just can’t put my finger on it. I think it’s between a slightly-excited to a mildly-jubilant. Hey why don’t I consult my handbook of assigning ratings to my emotions? Oh man, I forgot about criterion 4.5.1 which states that in order to be mildly-jubilant I have to have done something that’s a 7.4 on the spontaneous scale but a 6.3 on the tasteful scale, example: “suggestively commenting on a teammate’s taste in rap music while playfully using a towel as a make-believe scimitar.” So I guess I’ll have to change the composite – oh hmm, turns out I’m only a 5.6 excited. Glad you asked.

“What was going through your mind when you took the game-winning shot?”

-- Oh I was just going through all my favorite moments of Seinfeld and creating a mental encyclopedia for the next time my buddies and I are chillin’ at a bar and I want to reference it to prove my pop culture knowledge. I also took breaks during this time-consuming enterprise to ponder the meaning of life. I’ve always had a thing for determinism but existentialism is just rad. I don’t know, let me tell you, it gets boring sometimes when I’m up there holding a 0.2 second clutch shot position.

Tada 2

2006-10-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

Asian Pay Tactics: Honor is Truly Priceless

2006-10-04T00:03:00.000-05:00

If you’re Asian, you know it. If you’re white, you are confused by it.

These are the Asian pay tactics. Where honor outweighs the cash in your pocket.

For the people who don’t know what I’m talking about, next time you see a couple of Asians touching each other’s hands like a mellow catfight after they’ve clearly finished their meal, they are arguing over who should pay for the meal. And no, not that – because they each want to pay for the other.

To white people: If you still don’t understand, allow me to help you by presenting the only thing you know about Asians:

Now that we’ve set a context of comprehension for the alien, kung-fu fighting, nebulous concept that is the Asian to you, we can begin.

Here are some tactics that have been tested and honed with thousands of years of rich Asian culture. (fireworks, gunpowder, Tang dynasty, opium… )

The Box-out.

It’s ironic that the Chinese National Team can be so horrendous at rebounding but still do this so well. This is when you position your body in between the waiter who is handling the check and your opponent who wants to pay. Make sure you thrust out your ass as much as possible to maximize area covered and minimize aerodynamics.

The Juke-out Haggle.

When you pretend to talk to the waiter about some food item, or if you pretend to want to see the check but suddenly slip a wad of cash or a credit card. Works best in conjunction with the Box-out.

The Preemptive Maneuver.

This one is a classic. It really separates the master from the pupil. Go to the cash register and pay before you guys even sit down. Surreptitiously of course.

The Bathroom Feign.

For the more clever Asian. Pretend you are going to the bathroom but make a stop at the cash register instead. You’ll have duped even the best of them.

The seasoned veteran at pay tactics will even know to rub his stomach – faking a discomforted disposition and say something like, “Oh, the deep-fried monkey tonsils didn’t go well with my kung pao horse vaginas.” Your chicanery will pay off in the priceless form of respect. Bravo.

The Chimerical Get-together

You use this as a buffer, sort of to help you along a more mainstream tactic, such as the Juke-out Haggle. Say, “I pay this time, you pay next time.” Keep repeating “next-time” as many times as possible. Make sure you don’t set a date or give any specifics about this “next-time” you guys will have dinner, because then you risk having someone else pay.

The Time Rule.

Always remember, Time After Dinner Doesn’t Exist. No matter how badly your son wants to play Counter-strike, or how many books your daughter has read – always maintain that they’ve become too whitewashed to understand anything about Asian culture. They know nothing about the extremely complex, ancient, and sacred notion of gaining intangible face for green cash.

What I don’t understand is, there is a simple solution to reconciling the differences between the time demands of Asian pay tactics and younger Asians who roll their eyes at the notion: fight about it during dinner. That’s right.

I know I’m going against the cardinal rule, but think about how much sense it makes. The dinner conversation would be much more lively, I mean, all Asians do at the table is dis their own children anyway.

Or they make subtly masked remarks that seem like compliments but really just derogate the root of your existence. Or they discuss how much money they saved on car insurance. Or on refinancing. Basically the cheapest bastard is the best at life.

So if we fight about paying during dinner, it would be much more entertaining. We could make bets on who wins. We could even forgo the Peking Duck and have cock fights instead. Winner gets to pay for dinner. Woot.

Oh yeah, if you win: on the way back, it is customary to bitch about how the other guy was an asshole for not paying.

It’s true. I don’t make the rules.

The Art of Laziness

2006-10-03T16:05:00.001-05:00

Laziness is no simple game. Only the seasoned veteran can perfect the multi-faceted art of this craft. The inexperienced novice may hurt himself in an unguided attempt to hone his skills. This is a shame to the undertaking.

The following strategies should be carefully studied and exhaustively practiced in order to achieve enlightenment.

Firstly, Assume the Resting Position

Beer left hand. Remote right. Ass down.

Only acceptable change of this is to put down your remote and point to the kitchen to get a woman to cook you some dinner.

The Foot Maneuver

The age-old use of extending the foot allows for the conservation of the resting position.

The Use of Logic

Is it really going to kill you if you don’t do it? No. Of course not. It couldn’t possibly kill you. Cystic fibrosis kills you. Taking out the garbage doesn’t.

The Projectile Tropism

Hurling an object requires precision to stimulate the desired response. Use conservatively.

If you throw your remote and miss, you’ll have no choice but to sit in front of the TV all day. Can’t turn off the TV without your remote. Don’t want to waste electricity.

Introspective Analysis

What are you feeling right now? If you feel as if you need to get something done, use introspective analysis to find the part of you that disagrees. Ask questions like, “Do I want to, or does my conscience want to?” You will make important distinctions.

Knowing Your Limits

Face it, you’re a lazy guy. If you’re going to go half-ass, might as well not do it anyway. It’s only fair.

The Efficiency Card

You’re not being lazy, you’re being efficient.

Axioms:

Just because I know how, doesn’t mean I should do it.

Trying is the first step towards failing.

Don’t ever get up.

Report: Bush Proposes “Spankings” and “Time-Outs” to Punish Terrorists

2006-10-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

After being criticized for his recent lack of initiative against terrorists, Bush has responded fervently.

Bush claims to not only have read “several” books on the subject, including Terrorism for Dummies and The Difference Between “Muslim” and “Turban,” he has also consulted with many of his top aides – relevantly so because he suspects most of them to be terrorists.

During the press conference, Bush seemed incoherent and ambiguous when referring to “terrorists.” He often used the term interchangeably with names like Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Dr. Phil.

“Them terrorists have to know that there are consequences to their actions,” Bush said, “If you blow up a building you’re not gonna get away with it. Not on my watch.”

Bush’s new program consists of 43 degrees of offense, to which increasing intensities of “spankings” and “time-outs” will be applied. Among these are “#15 cricket paddle” and “#30 monkey ass.”

Bush stood firm when questioned about his policy. He assuredly declared, “You can’t go easy on them terrorists. This ain’t no handholding game. They have to learn on their own.”

The president also seized the opportunity to exonerate himself from the slow progress on terrorists such as Osama Bin Laden, citing “years of work” and “undistractable” attention to this new program.

However, despite the comprehensive Phase II entitled “Spanking and Time-outs,” a Phase I called “Capture Terrorists” constituted mostly blank pages with the italicized words, “brainstorming” and “hehe.”

President Bush also chuckled that he “went down to Kinko’s” and “got a logo done.”

Although Bush denies personal expertise with the success rate of his new program, he reportedly takes erratic “hiatuses” whenever confronted by his mother, Barbara Bush. Sources indicate he is often spotted “furtively glancing” when “absconding with cookies from the cookie jar” and “hanging out by walls.”

However, when asked about these eyewitness accounts, Bush explained, “I just think better when I stare at a wall for a predetermined amount of time. That’s all.”

Pascal’s Wager: An Insult to Faith

2006-10-01T21:55:00.000-05:00

Here are your options:
A. Believe in God – go to heaven if he exists, nothing happens if he doesn’t.
B. Don’t believe in God - go to hell if he exists, nothing happens if he doesn’t.
Obviously, you should believe in God because if God exists, you win. But if he doesn’t, you don’t lose. This is Pascal’s Wager.
This is usually a last straw argument to convert the nonbeliever. It makes me sick.
I am offended that anyone would presume faith to be so brisk. Furthermore, it would sadden me to see another build his faith on a wager. I do not claim to know all the valid reasons for belief, only that this is not one of them. In fact, it is an insult to the very faith it tries to support.
The reasoning behind Pascal’s Wager is fundamentally flawed, and it is overtly presumptuous. For the wager to work, belief must firstly be assumed to be voluntary. Then, the wager implies that belief can be founded on the desire to reap the rewards (heaven), or to escape the consequences (hell). How can this possibly be the wish of a God? To entice followers in this way would be to entice a superficial belief. And rewarding this superficial belief with the same thing as the faith of true believers would make a mockery of them.
Even believers should be disgusted at this notion of parading a persuasive argument to convert. Religion should work of its own accord – attracting followers with what it is, not what it offers. Faith should be pure – unadulterated by ulterior motives – let alone a flawed one.
Saying that you can simply decide to believe in God for the advantages (and/or for overcoming disadvantages) undermines the concept of belief itself. You not only give a nice, firm slap-in-the-face to what you believe in, but also to yourself and the person you are trying to convert.
I am not a believer, but I value the concept of faith. I envy those who truly believe – they’ve found something inexplicable and unwavering, even during the most trying times. They face hardships and doubt, but they overcome these with courage. Thus, true belief is beautiful; most importantly, it is brave – far from the cowardly attrition that fuels Pascal’s Wager.

The Amazing Feat of Cool Guys with Fast Cars: Stoplight to Stoplight

2006-09-29T14:51:00.000-05:00

Don’t come up next to me on a stoplight intersection and rev your 8-cylinder, because I won’t be as much impressed with your car as I will take pity on your representative nescience.

Yeah, full throttle your ass down the boulevard with your amazing zero-to-sixty. Want a helmet?

Blow by the Camry speed-demons and the family-SUVs; hound the split with your fifty foot advance before stopping on a dime. Then feel good about yourself, for you’ve accomplished the impossible. Only it lasts for a mere two seconds before cars who’ve traveled 10,000 miles more than you and who cost a fourth of yours catch up to you.

Congratulations on achieving the thrill of alienating practicality.

Did you expect me to stare with awe? Only at the breadth of your perspicuity.