Dear Friends,

The passage above says it all for me. There is a season and a time for everything and for me, the season is changing.

I am writing to let you know that I will be stepping away from The Dreaming Café for an undefined period of time.

I cannot continue to try and balance taking care of my Mom, taking care of my family, working part-time, building a business and writing career and taking care of my own well-being all at the same time.

Balance is an unattainable illusion that just keeps you running in circles and beating yourself up for not succeeding.

And, I can’t do it anymore.

The decision to let go of The Dreaming Café, even if only temporarily, isn’t easy.

My inner critic taunts me with statements like:

“If you stop, you’ll never start again.”

“There are millions of blogs. If you stop now you’ll lose everything; three years of writing and building relationships down the tubes. You’ll have to start all over.”

“People will forget you.”

“You’re a failure. Just another blogger, writer wanna-be, who bites the dust.”

Stepping back in many ways does feel like failure. And, I am afraid that all of these fears will come true.

But, right now, despite these fears, The Dreaming Café it is a distraction and a burden.

Right now I have other responsibilities and other priorities, the main one being taking care of my Mom and supporting her during the final months of her life.

The truth is, if I have to, I will start over. I’ll take it one small step at a time, one day at a time, one post at a time, one relationship at a time.

It won’t be the first time I’ve had to start over and it may not be the last. I’m okay with this.

So this is goodbye, at least for awhile.

I want to thank all of you for allowing me and The Dreaming Café to be part of your life these past three years.

I wish you all the best and I hope I’ll have the pleasure of connecting with you once again in the future.

Peace, love and blessings,
Sandy

How many times have you committed to more than one goal, project or objective and then ended up feeling overwhelmed and pulled in too many directions? Did you keep plugging along? Or, did you end up quitting and not accomplishing a whole lot?

I usually take on too much. I underestimate the amount of time, energy and resources I have or need. I feel overwhelmed, pulled in too many directions and usually give up before I’ve reached the end.

This month, the start of 2012, I’ve been playing with making one commitment at a time and seeing how it goes before I make another one.

So far, it’s working. It’s also helped me recognize when a commitment is too big in relation to my other responsibilities. I can then temporarily let it go and move onto something else.

One big intention I made at the beginning of January was to go gluten-free, 100% vegan. I had plan. One new recipe a week, pack my lunch, take it one day at a time. But, in reality this didn’t work. I really don’t have the energy to put into this commitment right now.

When I set this intention I didn’t know that my Mom was going to start radiation and that she had to go every day. That meant that I that every day I had to be up and out of the house by 7:30am and I didn’t arrive back home until about the same time every night. Weekends were just as hectic. My Mom doesn’t live with me, so in essence I travel between two homes and maintain two households (cleaning, cooking, bill paying, etc.). Trying to find several extra hours a week to diligently plan gluten-free, 100% vegan meals proved to be too much, so, I took the pressure off of myself and decided that it just wasn’t the right time. (Side note…her last radiation treatment was this past Tuesday. Yeah! for both of us.)

I then set a smaller commitment, a baby one, and one that had no relation to food. I decided that this year I would not end up with a giant pile of unread or partially read magazines by the end of the year. I would read them within a week of them arriving, or I would give them away or recycle them. I didn’t realize how many magazines I subscribed, too, but this commitment has been small enough that I’ve been able to manage it with ease.

This past week I added a new commitment, writing 1000 words a day. I wrote about this earlier this week in the post ‘Writers Write’. On the surface this looks like a big commitment, but over the last few days I’ve been playing with it and have discovered that it isn’t as difficult as you might think.

I realized that I don’t have to write 1000 words a day all at one time. I’ve been experimenting with writing a few hundred words in the morning and finishing up my word count in the evening. Writing this way has so far been working wonderfully.

So now I’ve made three commitments in three weeks and have stuck with two of them. If I had set all three the first of January I would have felt overwhelmed and given up on all them. I wouldn’t have been able to distinguish which commitment was too big, which one were easy and which one, with a little creative planning, was quite achievable.

I have a very long list of commitments I want to make and goals for things I want to be, do and have. This new approach, one commitment at a time, seems to working out the best at achieving them.

Tracking my progress - 1000 Words a day

“I learned that you sit down at the same time every day. I learned that you do it even if you’re in a bad mood or if you’re a little sick or you don’t know what you’re doing – especially of you don’t know what you are doing. I learned that you don’t wait for inspiration. That that’s just a crock. That’s just an excuse to not have to take yourslef seriously as an artist.”

~ Anne Lamott (from an interview in Writer’s Digest “The Writer’s Guide to Creativity” in answer to the question “What did you learn from your Dad?”

I didn’t even finish the article before I decided that I needed to let go of all my excuses about writing and just sit down and write every day. 1000 words a day.

No excuses.

Then I said to myself, “Starting tomorrow.”

Uh-oh. Nope. Wrong thing to say. No excuses. Right? Right.

So I sat down at my laptop, created a new folder and named it 1000 Words a Day. My first saved document “1000 words a day starts today”…1016 words. Done. I did it.

Writers write.

I’m a writer.

No excuses.

Repeat every day.

Then sit down and write.

Related posts:

February 3, 2011: My Writing Story Continued

February 2, 2011: Calling and commitment

January 24, 2011: Embracing a Calling

June 4, 2009: The Five Phases of Being a Writer

April 7, 2009: Would I write if no one read what I wrote?

Connie Hozvicka introduced me to art journaling when I attended her Dirty Footprints Studio Creative Dig workshop in Cleveland in 2009. It was a powerful experience and I fell in love with art journaling that weekend.

Since then art journaling has become a way for me to relax, to express myself, a way to lose myself in the process of creating, to explore ideas, to explore the past, the present and the future and it has become a new to self-discovery.

The more I art journal, the more I want to know. I want to know more about the techniques, the processes, and the benefits. I want to know more about myself.

One of my themes for 2012 is ‘going deeper’ and one area I want to go deeper and explore is art journaling.

To honor and celebrate ‘going deeper’ and my commitment to and passion for art journaling I recently registered for 21 Secrets: An Art Journal Playground hosted by the inspiring Connie and Dirty Footprints Studio! 21 Artists/Teachers, 21 Art Journaling Secrets. I can’t wait!!

A video I made about my 28-days of Art Journaling project last Summer…

Since the start of the New Year I’ve been feeling like I’m falling further and further behind in keeping up with my dreams and keeping up with The Dreaming Cafe.

Part of me is able to stand back and acknowledge all that I have accomplished while also meeting the many personal obligations I have – obligations and responsibilities I have no regrets about taking on.

I’m proud of my accomplishments. Since the beginning of 2009 I have written and published over 120 issues of The Dreaming Cafe newsletter, written and posted over 400 blog posts, taught several online and offline workshops, hosted several teleclasses, written a few guest blogs, met a lot of inspiring people (some of whom are now friends), and collaborated with Barbara Winter and Alice Barry to launch the first Joyfully Jobless Jamboree. The Dreaming Cafe has helped me grow and expand in so many ways.

But, at the same time, a part of me feels like I am not doing enough. I’m not doing enough at home, not enough for my Mom, not enough for my husband, not enough at work and certainly I’m not enough here at The Dreaming Cafe. I haven’t had any new events, my newsletter has only gone out sporadically the last seven months, I’m not blogging regularly despite my best intentions and I’m not keeping up with my social media accounts. It feels like the success I’ve had is slipping away. I’m afraid that I will lose it all.

That’s the place I’ve been stuck in for the past week. I pretend that that everything is okay, when everything is not okay. It’s not okay.

When I find myself in this stuck, panicky, anxiety plagued place I try to remember to…

Breathe. Take a deep breath, then another, then another.

Stop hiding. Reach out to others. Ask for help. Just ‘be’ in the presence of others who ‘get’ me.

Write. Write. Write some more.

Pull out my art journal, paints, markers, crayons, glue and whatever else is in handy and lose myself in the act of creating. (I’ve discovered that art journaling is not only fun, but is amazingly calming and healing.)

These are the things that help me feel a little bit better, a little more calm and a little more peaceful.

They also remind me to let go and to TRUST . . . Trust that I am right where I am suppose to be, doing just what I’m suppose to be doing, in this moment.

Message Stone January 2012

Some art projects and art journaling pages turn out great while others are a dismal, ugly failure. I learn from both and enjoy the process.

Tonight my goal was to collage copies of pages from a 2007 journal. I used an 18″ x 24″ canvas page and washable paints. The page didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted it to, but that’s okay.

Am I an artist? No

Do I know what I’m doing? No

Am I having fun? Heck yeah!!

What did you do for fun today?

For the past decade or more my focus has been on other people and other things (like my career) and I’ve had the tendency to put my own health, well-being, desires, and dreams on the back burner.

This year, 2012, I’ve decided to change that. I’ve decided that it’s about time I start really paying attention and taking care of myself.

One of my themes this year is ‘me’.

It’s not about putting myself first to the point that I exclude others and neglect my responsibilities. It’s about putting myself first so that I have the energy, stamina and desire to continue to move forward and face both the highs and lows of life from a place of love and strength.

Building and expanding my core of love and strength begins with my body and my diet.

Although I’ve been a vegetarian since 1999, I have not been consistently vegan. I’ll have a storemade or homemade pastry made with milk and eggs, a Hershey bar, pasta with cheese, a bagel with cream cheese, mayonnaise, butter and an occasional slice (or two) of cheese pizza. I never feel good after eating these foods. Physically my reaction from eating these foods can range from feeling mildly fatigued and nauseous to a full blown IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) attack that can last for days. On top of feeling yucky physically I’ll beat myself up for eating these foods because I know the pain and suffering that has been caused from their production. After each episode I ask myself “Why do you do this to yourself?” The answer is most often is that it is easier to ‘forget’ once in awhile and allow convenience to override my values and what I know is right for me.

2012 is about making a commitment to myself, my values and what is important to me. That’s why I’ve decided to commit to a gluten-free, vegan diet. It’s the right diet for ‘me’, physically, intellectually and spiritually.

I’ve made this commitment before and failed. I’m not a superhero. I can’t do it all at once, all in one day. Although I did stop eating any flesh foods from the moment I read an article about factory farming in August 1999, going gluten-free, 100% vegan is a much bigger leap.

Thinking about it yesterday I panicked. Then I reminded myself of my new my motto – 52 weeks, one day at a time. Plus, I have a plan, a twelve month plan, to transition from vegetarian, occasional vegan to 100% vegan and gluten-free. Having a written, step-by-step plan was a huge factor in calming my panic and giving me a sense that I can really do this.

I’m still a little nervous. The thoughts and questions that run through my head don’t really stop . . .

“Can I do it? Not eating meat is easy because it’s recognizable. Can I stop ‘forgetting’ that something has eggs, cheese or milk in it? It’s easy to not eat meat because I don’t want to cause any living thing pain and suffering. Can I apply that same philosophy to myself, not wanting to cause my own pain and suffering? I make not harming animals a priority, can I make myself a priority? What I’m going to eat when I’m out with friends? How can I remind myself, in the moment, what’s important to me? Can I let go of convenience and not fall prey to advertising and marketing?”

The questions continue, but, I’m ready. In addition to having a written plan I’ve also started a new journal where I can explore these questions, my feelings, my successes, my failures (I’m know there will be a few, maybe even more than a few) and to document my journey.

Here are a few notes and pictures from my new journal:

Sunday, January 1, 2012

vegan journal page 1

• 2012 intention is to go gluten-free, 100% vegan.
• January is Step 1: Going Vegan and letting go of all the little things that get in the way: pastries, bagels & cream cheese, pasta dishes with milk or cheese and butter.
• Try one new recipe a week for 52-weeks so that by the end of the year we are gluten-free, 100% vegan.
• My new philosophy, 52-weeks, one day at a time – a gentler way of aligning my diet with my values will allow me to finally eat the way my body needs.
• Blog about the journey – share recipes, books, pictures and maybe a video of me cooking. Sharing my commitment makes me accountable.
• I desire to feel better, let-go of my aches and pains, move with ease, feel lighter, feel leaner, feel stronger, stabilize my blood sugar and hormones, reduce inflammation, feed my brain, improve my eyesight and lose 60+lbs and achieve my IBW.
• Physical movement (move into my body) – resistance/strength training, Yoga, walking, dancing.

New recipe: Tricolor, 3-Bean Chili (soy free, wheat free, vegan) from Colleen Patrick-Goudreau’s new book The 30-Day Vegan Challenge: The Ultimate Guide to Eating Cleaner, Getting Leaner, and Living Compassionately page 158

Tricolor, 3-Bean Chili cooking on the stove

You can find out more about Colleen Patrick-Goudreau at www.CompassionateCook.com/

One of my own vegan desserts: Vegan Blueberry Coffee Cake

Sandy's Vegan Blueberry Coffee Cake

This week as 2012 was approaching I decided that I wanted to end the year in ways I wanted the New Year to flow.

I started by cleaning the house, clearing clutter, and organizing files. The time I spent doing this was well worth it. Tonight it feels wonderful to have the house and my home office so neat and organized.

I also scheduled an appointment to get my hair cut. As I’ve gotten older I really do not care for long hair. It makes me feel old and haggard. I wanted to start the year with a fun, sassy hair style…and luckily it turned out just the way I imagined. And, it feels GREAT!

Today, the last day of 2011, I wanted to spend the day in the way I desire to move through 2012 – balancing time with others with time alone (both are of equal importance). It worked out beautifully. Time with my husband the first half of the day, time with my Mom afterward and as the evening approached, time alone.

My time alone was spent doing the things I desire to do more of in 2012 . . . writing, art journaling, journaling, blogging, reading, and quiet moments of prayer and meditation.

Overall it was a good day and a good week.

Goodbye 2011.

Hello 2012!!

Below are a few images of how I spent my art journaling evening:

basic art journaling supplies -paints and Gesso

prepping the page

adding words and images

more words and images

final art journal image

I read a lot and I have quite a few favorite books. Favorite books are ones I refer to and read again and again for the message they share or the practical information they teach me.

Every once in a while I come across a book that goes beyond being just a favorite book. These books, rare and far between, are books that reach out, grab me and touch me in a way that after reading them I’ll never be the same again. Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World by Christine Mason Miller is one such book.

This book is pure food for the soul. I could not put it down. I gave up trying to copy inspirational passages after page 38 because there were just too many.

Christine weaves her own story about living a creative life throughout every chapter while also sharing the insights and stories of 19 other writers, artists, coaches, entrepreneurs and teachers.

This book touched me so deeply that before finishing chapter two I ordered six more copies to share with friends.

Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World speaks to the quiet little part of you that secretly knows that you have a gift to contribute to the world, a gift that not only lifts you up, but has the potential to lift others up, too. So many times we suppress this inner knowing out of fear, lack of self-love and self-confidence and a host of other reasons. Many of us have suppressed this small voice for so many years it only whispers to us in the dark when we can’t sleep, when we stop our busyness or in moments when discontent rears its ugly head. Then we hear, but, again, we may not listen.

Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World will open the door to your heart and soul and give space to that inner knowing, that inner voice. It’s not just about following your heart, expressing your creative self, or making a living doing what you love. It is about becoming who you were born to be and meeting the responsibility of sharing your gifts. It’s about sharing your truth, being true to yourself and making your world and the world around you better for it.

Through personal stories, sharing how others have overcome the many obstacles of living a creative, authentic life, a wide variety of exercises, inspirational quotes and page after page of beautiful images this book will help you begin ‘using your creative passion to transform the world’, starting with your own.

There isn’t one chapter, one page in Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World that didn’t captivate me, inspire me, make me think and call me to action.

Chapter Titles:

1. A Force of Good: When We Care for Ourselves, We Care for the World
2. The Foundation: What Values Are Shaping Your Daily Choices?
3. Walking Hand in Hand: The Partnership Between You and Your Dream
4. Mentors, Guides and Beacons of Light: Our Work as Students, Our Gifts as Teachers
5. Twists, Turns and Other Beautiful Surprises: It’s All About the Journey
6. The Ripple Effect of Inspiration: Small Acts Can Have a Big Impact
7. Plenty of Room for Everyone: Understanding Our Unique Place and Purpose
8. Finding the Way Through: Believing in Ourselves, One Challenge at a Time
9. The World Outside Ourselves: What it Means to Be of Service to Others
10. Declarations and Intentions: Creating a Personal Mission Statement

Sample passage that I related to on many levels was from from Chapter Seven (page 88):

“In this age of immediacy – when I am privy to the latest creations, developments, deals, ideas and endeavors of my friends, colleagues and kindred spirits – it takes little or no effort to feel like a small fish in a big, crowded pond that doesn’t have enough room for everyone. This leads to feeling like I have to fiercely guard my corner of the pond against invasions, encroachment or intrusion. All it takes is an hour of browsing the Web to fill my head with the comings and goings of everyone else and lose sight of my own unique ideas, creations, and perspectives. Before too long not only am I feeling defensive – but also pondering thoughts like, “Does the world really need another book on inspiration and creativity? There can’t possibly be room for mine!” “

Christine and the contributors to the book continues to share their experiences and challenge these thoughts and others like them throughout the chapter – and throughout the entire book.

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