The Effrontery

In Yo Face You Shady Rug Trader

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 02:20:00 +0000

Yeah, I said it.

Justice may be blind and slow, but today it was served.

When Marlin Jackson was playing football at Michigan, he always stood out on the field as one of those guys who just looked like an NFL player. Some stats in a second, but I had to begin there. I was fortunate enough to see the All-American defensive back play during my time at M and can personally verify the impressive 'look.' He dominated at cornerback and, in every measure, the statistics communicate his pure awesomeness in a winged helmet. From the Bentley Historical Archive:

Jackson earned Freshman All-America first team honors from the Sporting News after collecting 47 tackles, seven pass break-ups and three interceptions in 2001.

An All-Big Ten selection in 2002, Jackson set single game (six) and single season (18) pass break-up records and ranked sixth on the team with 51 tackles.

Jackson earned All-Big Ten first team honors from the coaches and media in 2004. Teams threw away from Jackson almost 87 percent of the time during the regular season. He contributed 38 tackles, five tackles for loss, one sack, one forced fumble, one interception and four pass breakups that year.

Emphasis mine. Eighty seven percent?!?! That is nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts. He would go on to be selected by the Indianapolis Colts with the 29th overall pick in the 2005 NFL Draft--a bit of a snub given his top-20 abilities--and is still under contract with the franchise. He was instrumental in securing a Lombardi Trophy for the Colts in Super Bowl XLI [ed. note: something I'll certainly never forget given the fact that he picked off Tom Brady to clinch the AFC Title and send Horseface Manning to his only Super Bowl]. So why the slip down the draft board in 2005?

[Marlin Jackson's helmet is flying because it has wings]

I'm glad you asked. In the above-listed stats, you'll notice something missing: numbers from 2003, his Junior season. It was a curious year for the Sharon, Pa. native on and off the field. With relative depth at the corner position and a general hole at safety, the All-Everything Jackson switched positions in an effort to help shore up an inconsistent secondary. It did not go swimmingly. He experienced his worst year as a Wolverine statistically and nagging injuries beset whatever minor impact may have existed [ed. note: when he returned to cornerback for his final season, that 'eighty seven percent' stuff happened]. His mind and body just weren't right that year, and away from the team there were other trifles taking place. In particular, a clandestine fracas at one of Ann Arbor's fine evening house parties wherein some Drakkar-wearing, hair-slicking, almond-eating dickhole was understandably punched in the face by my main man Marlin. He pleaded guilty to misdemeanor aggravated assault and was sentenced to probation. Never a good résumé builder, but not the end of the world, ya dig? Fast-forward to the '05 Draft, and now there's noise about an impending civil lawsuit claiming a different set of circumstances. To wit:

Former U-M student Shahin Farokhrany sued for $10 million in May 2005, alleging his injuries required long-term medical care and limited his ability to study and work.

Farokhrany alleged he was hit in the eye with a bottle; Marlin admitted he hit Farokhrany but insists it was with his fist, his attorney, Ellis Freatman said.

You heard the name. But wait...there's more. Brian @ MGoBlog couldn't have been more right when he noted that this guy "certainly looks like an eminently punchable douchebag." Click here for proof. Given that, does the late addition of a weapon to the story sound about right? Unfortunately for Marlin, the timing couldn't have been worse. His draft status and reputation took a hit, having to defend himself of false accusations throughout the interview process, and with that followed the dip in salary that always travels downward and in step with a player's ultimate draft position.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, not to worry. The verdict is in and it is Effronterlicious:

A Washtenaw County jury today found former Wolverine Marlin Jackson was defamed by a fellow student who falsely accused him of assault with a bottle at an off-campus party in 2003.

The six-member panel also awarded Jackson, a defensive back with the Indianapolis Colts, $225,000 in damages--roughly the equivalent of a draft slot in the NFL, said his attorney, Ellis Freatman.

I've been in such a good mood all day because of this. Marlin was cleared of any assault and the eminently punchable douchebag was found guilty of malicious prosecution! Justice is served, bitch. If you plan on consuming any spirits tonight, be sure to raise a glass to a vindicated Marlin Jackson.

(HT: MGoBlog)

Statistics courtesy of The Bentley Historical Library and STL All Sports.
Photo Credit: Associated Press

Burn Notice

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 01:58:00 +0000

I'm a basketball fan in a love/hate relationship with the pro game. It's been that way since I got home from elementary school on a Thursday in November of 1991, turned on the TV to find some cartoons, and watched Magic Johnson tell me he was retiring from the NBA because of a positive HIV test. Literally telling me [ed. note: keep in mind that I was about two weeks away from my eighth birthday at the time]. Something about that moment--that weepy scene on the television that interrupted my after school routine and felt all too personal--triggered a sea change in the way I would come to view the NBA. This is not to say I completely turned on the game of pro basketball. Hell, I have a framed Kobe Bryant jersey hanging on my wall. I simply started to take it less seriously. A seminal moment in the development of my fanhood, if you will. Actually, this was probably a good thing given that taking today's NBA seriously is like reading Dianetics as a non-fictional account of the human condition. Wait... what? People actually do both of those things??? Fucking sheep. I only wish it wasn't spurred on by Magic's untimely retirement.

--------------------------------------------------

That being said, the 58th annual NBA All-Star Game took place this past weekend in Phoenix, AZ and there were just enough entertaining moments to compel me to post a trio of worthwhile clips for your viewing pleasure.

First, Shaquille O'Neal. The Big Fella/Diesel/Aristotle/Cactus/Legendary was selected by the coaches to make his 15th-and-likely-final NBA All-Star appearance, and the significance was not lost on Shaq-Fu. Always the showman, Shaq teamed up with the season one champs of "America's Best Dance Crew," Jabbawockeez, to orchestrate a player introduction that even the most charismatic professional wrestler [ed. note: with the exception of Scott Steiner, of course] would be unable to match. I give you "Shaqawockeez":

Next up, the explanation for the title of this post. It basically involves Kevin Garnett, Craig Sager, one of Sager's fantastic one-of-a-kind suit ensembles, and live television. Great interview, or greatest interview?

As my brother Steve put it, "...why is he trying to be the Don Cherry of the NBA?" I love Craig Sager, yo.

To bring things full circle and return to my love/hate situation with professional basketball, this last clip isn't from the All-Star Game, but rather a Golden State Warriors practice from this very season. It is awesome on many levels, and pretty much sums up the current state of the NBA while also accounting for the Warriors' 19-35 record as of this writing:

There's no possible way I can add to that, so let's just wrap it up here.

(HT: Ball Don't Lie)

We Are All Witnesses

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 19:20:00 +0000

"You can't guard me. The Secret Service couldn't guard me."
-Lil' Penny, 1996

I'm not even bothering with a caption.

Blame Samuel L. Jackson

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 03:27:00 +0000

His predilection for picking up every movie script placed on his desk and saying "book it, Dano"--as well as my penchant for watching the finished products on HBO throughout the years--is culpable for the The Effrontery's random return.

[Just wait 'til I show her my Windu]

I'll get to my point in a moment, but here's the deal: Last January, The Effrontery rode into town and started throwing up daily posts about all manner of things--mostly sports-related. This was fun for its not-so-humble author, but time-consuming and taxing as well. Pretty much, what was intended to be a creative outlet featuring a mélange of things I deem noteworthy quickly became a bit of a nuisance. By February 2008, things were put on hold and not a peep since... Jump to January 2009, Tracy Morgan has welcomed us to Post-Racial America, and I plan to start posting again. It will be very sporadic... perhaps once a week, perhaps once a month. Perhaps all ova yo face when you're sleeping at night. Who knows??? [ed. note: not you; that's the point]

["Deal with it, Cate Blanchett."]

Anyway, back to Jules Winnfield. I wanted to watch a quick movie the other night and the 90-minute "Jumper" was taking up space in my DVR. "Hey, this is a Samuel L. joint," I thought. So I decided to give it a whirl. Not two minutes in and it's clear that the movie was filmed in Ann Arbor! You know when people tell you they "laughed out loud" about something and it doesn't resonate because that's just another way of emphasizing a point? Well, when I tell you that I started laughing hysterically for a good minute or two, please pause for a second and understand the gravity of the moment.

So many questions. They filmed a blockbuster action movie in Ann Arbor? When? Why film in Michigan? How the hell did I now know about this? I knew of "Jumper" when it was released--it was one of those movies with the pre-holiday-weekend-you-will-see-this-big-budget-action-movie-or-die advertising campaigns--but somehow the most important detail never made it on to my radar. Well, then. You know what happened next... It took 2 hours and 5 minutes to watch a 90-minute movie because I spent a crazy amount of time pausing and rewinding various scenes to judge the verity of the set design and locate the chosen backdrops. Holy balls, man! I'd estimate about 1/3 of the movie was shot in Ann Arbor, maybe even more, with some extra scenes filmed throughout the state of Michigan and parts of Ontario [ed. note: I think the Mackinac Bridge made an appearance towards the end]. Beyond simply being shot there, Ann Arbor was actively featured throughout the movie.

[This water tower in Peterborough, Ontario was depicted in "Jumper" with 'Ann Arbor' superimposed on the facade]
(Photo Credit: flickr user Richmann)

There were several bar scenes in which Maize & Blue-clad patrons swilled their drinks while taking in a Michigan vs. Penn State football game [ed. note: it was very subdued for a gameday bar crowd. Just saying]. The movie wasn't very good, even for so-called mind candy, but it proved very fascinating and pleasing to me--a known chronicler of anything even tenuously related to The University of Michigan. One of my initial questions when discovering Ann Arbor's presence in the movie--namely, "Why film in Michigan?"--led me to do a little sleuthing. I figured one of the producers was an alum and decided to use The Deuce in his flick. Turns out, I was pretty damn close. Writer David S. Goyer was born and raised in Ann Arbor:

Graduated from USC School of Cinema-Television (1988).

Graduated from Huron High School in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Was Teaching Assistant to screenwriter Nelson Gidding at USC.

Sold his comic book collection en masse to the drummer from System of a Down, John Dolmayan.

Emphasis mine. That explains a whole lot. Especially the USC part, which accounts for the way he mailed in the ending (zing!). I do, however, respect the fact that the sale of his comic book collection to an Armenian rocker was prominent among his career trivia. Anyway, Goyer's roots were likely instrumental in his decision to write Ann Arbor into the movie, but I discovered another interesting thing along the way. This was written one year ago, almost to the date:

...Michigan offers a tax rebate of up to 20 percent to production companies that shoot movies, TV shows, and commercials in the state. But that no longer has the bling it once did, film industry insiders say.

"Twenty percent isn't going to do it. You really need to have a headline, says Mike Binder, a Detroit native who wrote and directed "The Upside of Anger," a 2005 film starring Joan Allen and Kevin Costner. Although the plot was set in a Detroit suburb, the movie was filmed in London.

Binder visited Lansing recently to lobby lawmakers for a 40 percent rebate, which would be the country's highest.

In continuing the Sisyphean task of righting Michigan's economy, state lawmakers passed the legislation by the Ides of March 2008, and your current Michigan Film Production Incentives now boil down to this:

...

40% refundable tax credit against Michigan Business Tax (MBT) liability for qualified film or digital media pre-production, production, and postproduction costs incurred in Michigan. Alternatively could be claimed against Michigan Income tax withholding tax liability.

Refundable and assignable (transferable). This is a "refund" or "tax rebate" equal to 40% of qualified production expenditures, not a credit against taxes owed. Additional 2% credit in core communities.

...

So where the hell am I going with all this? Right to this man:

[You'll shoot your eye out]

The Independent Voice of Central Michigan University, otherwise known as Central Michigan Life, reported Monday that Michigan's film industry is beginning to thrive. We're all familiar with that news source's "Independent Voice" and tendency to suck back on some of Grandpa's old cough syrup before publishing things, but now The Freep is starting to talk about a $100 million film studio that may land in Allen Park. And of course, Clint Eastwood's "Gran Torino" just became the first feature under Michigan's new incentives to open in theaters. The film took the No. 1 spot at the box office this past weekend to the tune of $29.5 million. Michigan's economy needs all the help it can get and I, for one, welcome more cinematic sightings of Ann Arbor in the future. Incidentally, I also welcome our new insect overlords. WOTS is that Drew Barrymore just finished up a rollerderby movie that was filmed in The Deuce and that means it's only a matter of time before Samuel L. comes back for more. My DVR is ready.

Catching Up: Quick Hits & Clips

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 03:10:00 +0000

Had a lot going on recently, thus the dearth of posts and new content. Unfortunately, it looks like this might now be the rule--as opposed to the exception. We'll see. In the meantime, I've got a pretty nice selection of Quick Hits and Clips to run through.

Let's get started with some breaking news.

Quick Hits

[So you're sayin' there's a chance?!?!]

Obamamania rages on.

Today was a good one for the big "O." Here's the haul:

WASHINGTON - Sen. Barack Obama swept the Louisiana primary and caucuses in Nebraska and Washington state Saturday night, slicing into Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's slender delegate lead in their historic race for the Democratic presidential nomination.

The Illinois senator also won caucuses in the Virgin Islands, completing his best night of the campaign.

His winning margins were substantial, ranging from roughly two-thirds of the vote in Washington state and Nebraska to nearly 90 percent in the Virgin Islands.

Riiiiiiight nehhhhhhr deh beeeeeach, boiiiiiii!!!!! Today the Virgin Islands, tomorrow the world!!!!!!

Dan Snyder probably has better grass than me...

...because I see no other excuse for this:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Washington Redskins hired Jim Zorn as their coach Saturday night, a surprise ending to a monthlong search for a replacement for Joe Gibbs.

"I've always dreamed of being a head coach with a franchise rich in tradition like the Redskins," Zorn said in a team news release. "As a player who had to fight Redskins teams at RFK as well as at our home field, I know about the history of this franchise as well as the passion of its fans. I won't let you down."

Jim Zorn?! I'm glad I'm not a Redskins fan. I think Dan Snyder should write a book called "Reverse-Moneyball: The Art of Losing a Fair Game." Nobody wants to be like Billy Beane anyway. Seriously though, Jim Zorn? I guess Snyder sensed the sincerity in his "I won't let you down" and figured a guy that noble had no business being a quarterbacks coach in Seattle for 7 years:

"We're proud that our search was diligent, thorough, and resulted in today's announcement," owner Dan Snyder said. "Jim's track record and reputation as a player, great teacher, and as a coach makes us confident that they will translate to success for the Redskins."

Zorn, a former Seattle quarterback, was the Seahawks' quarterbacks coach for the last seven years. The Redskins hired him to be their offensive coordinator--his highest coaching position until now--on Jan. 26 while continuing their search for a head coach.

I know he wasn't going for the bargain--this is a guy who uses hundred dollar bills to make sure the battery in his office paper shredder still works. Let's see, he could have hypothetically hired Greg Williams, Al Saunders, Tony Sparano, Jim Fassel, or Steve Spagnuolo, and Danny boy settled--after a month-long "search"--on a warm body to coach his $1.5 billion investment. But hey, at least he knows Zorn 'won't let him down.'

The Neuheisel Era.

Keeping with the Seattle theme here, many thanks to my buddy (and Husky Truther) Kenjar for sending me this four-part feature on Rick Neuheisel's tenure at U-Dub. We had this "Jerramy Stevens sighting" running joke on our fantasy football message board all season, and part two of the feature discusses Stevens' troubled times at UW--with some nice depth on our personal favorite: the time Jerramy Stevens raped a freshman in the bushes outside Kenjar's frat house.

[UW's Greek Row, where, at about 3 AM on June 4, 2000, a student witnessed a possible rape in progress outside the Kappa Sigma house and called 911]

From Stevens to Spellman.

Unlike Jerramy Stevens, Alonzo Spellman has some pretty strong justification for getting arrested last month: he's a Buckeye. They can't help it. Here's The M Zone's write-up on Spellman's latest run-in with the law:

Former Buckeye first round draft pick Alonzo "I smile for mugshots" Spellman was arrested Wednesday in Tulsa after leading police on a chase which ended with the cops having to fire pepper-spray bullets into his vehicle after he refused to exit.

According to the AP story linked above, Spellman was booked into the Tulsa County Jail on complaints of eluding, assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer, resisting arrest and driving without a license.

Police said the most damning evidence against the ex-Tosu great was was the full Beard & Buckstache he was sporting at the time of his arrest.

Yost wasn't joking about the 'smiling for mugshots' thing. Just look at this goon's booking photo:

["Is this the free 5 o'clock crack giveaway?"]

Typical Buckeye meatball.

WSJ pooping Rickey's party.

Sadly, the Wall Street Journal recently decided to kill off one of the great stories from the career of Major League Baseball player Rickey Henderson. In avoidance of stealing someone else's thunder, follow this link to read The Big Lead's synopsis of The Journal's dastardly plans. For further reading on Rickey's career tales, see the Must-Reads section in the right sidebar for a link to The Definitive Rickey Henderson.

Clips

I'm not going to waste much time with the lead-ins. The clips in this selection stand on their own merits.

Berman Gone Wild.

Chances are most of you have seen the following footage already. Still, I would be remiss if it didn't make its way on to The Effrontery. It's an outtake from about 7 years ago, featuring Chris "He could. Go. All. The. Way." Berman getting pretty testy with the production crew during an ESPN taping. Enjoy:

In case the clip ever gets taken off YouTube, this Deadspin post has a permanent embed.

Election redux.

Déjà vu all over again:

Funny stuff. I'm not anti-Hillary, but there's a lot of Tracy Flick goin' on there.

Dance Dance RevObama.

Thanks galore to Joncheeler for sending me this clip from E!'s The Soup:

He's a maniac, maniac, on the floor. And he's dancing like he's never danced before. Hey, speaking of maniacs...

Stop The Insanity.

The Tom Cruise Scientology indoctrination video is old (insofar as entertainment news goes), but I watched it again today and am still amazed. What a wacko. Of course, those pesky Scientologists had it yanked off YouTube within a day, meaning that you must follow this link to the Defamer post with the permanent embed if you wish to view the madness of King Cruise.

Until next time.

That's all I've got for now. Not sure when I'll be able to resume regular posting, so I hope today's offering tides you over until then.

Peace and afro grease.

Super Bowl XLII Post-Mortem

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 03:59:00 +0000

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call... The Twilight Zone!"
-Rod Serling

Soooo, we're there, right? The Twilight Zone. It's a parallel universe, so things don't appear much different. That is what's going on, right? Everything still looks and sounds the same. The coffee I purchased this morning from the lobby kiosk in my office building still tastes like diarrhea water. LA is still a traffic-riddled cesspool of opulence, vanity, and phony status-seekers...

Yet the Patriots lost a game--no, THE game--last night. Actually, they didn't lose the Super Bowl so much as the Giants took it from them.

What in the name of the Burgess Meredith's ghost is going on here?!?!

I'm asking because I clearly have no idea. And neither do you. If you were one of the few people who picked--not rooted for, but actually picked--the Giants to win in advance of the game, it was based on one of two factors: 1) You harbor some dislike for the Patriots organization, or Bill Belichick, or Tom Brady, or the persona of a defiant winner in an age of parity, OR 2) You are a die-hard New York Giants fan who hates all things New England. And in both cases, the pick would have been made based on pure sentimentality. That is, you didn't pick the Giants because you looked at the matchup on paper and said, "yup, Tom Brady never elevates his game in the Super Bowl...Belichick can't coach for piss...Randy Moss is slower than Aaron Ross...Eli Manning never gives away games...Antonio Pierce isn't a douchebag...David Tyree will own Rodney Harrison and Asante Samuel when it matters most...and Tom Coughlin is the master of in-game adjustments." Trust me, nobody said stuff like that. Point is, there are very few people on the planet--including most within the Giants organization--that truly expected the Giants to beat the Pats.

["The best laid plans of mice and men and Henry Bemis"]

Back to The Twilight Zone. That's the only explanation I have. We're in The Twilight Zone. And to that end, I can only accept what happened last night as ugly reality--but reality nonetheless. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and what went down in Glendale, AZ was some frustrating, horrific, unexpected, ludicrous, and illogical beauty. In all my life as a sports fan, the only similar moment I can conjure took place just about 18 years ago this month. Interestingly, the events of February 1990 were equally Twilight Zoney: Nelson Mandela was about to be freed from prison after a 27-year incarceration and Mike Tyson--"the baddest man on the planet"--was in Tokyo, Japan preparing for his 10th heavyweight title defense against an unheralded, 42-1 longshot named James "Buster" Douglas. Yes, that Buster Douglas. Tyson was in his fourth year as World Heavyweight Champion and unbeaten in 37 professional fights, 33 of them resulting in a knock out. His date with destiny--a big-ticket fight against then-No. 1 contender Evander Holyfield--was slated to take place a short time after Tyson's tune-up in Tokyo. Then a funny thing happened on the way to the Tokyo Dome... Buster Douglas never got the memo.

[James "Buster" Douglas shocks the world - February 11, 1990]

Such was the case yesterday, when the New York Giants failed to receive a similar 'memo' on their way to The University of Phoenix Stadium [ed. note: what the hell is the deal with The University of Phoenix? I mean, a school without a campus or student union somehow has a stadium equipped to showcase BCS games and a Super Bowl?? What's going on with that???]. The Patriots had their date with destiny locked up. But as with Tyson, destiny had other plans and the most unlikely of champions emerged--Buster Douglas in February of 1990, then Eli Manning in February of 2008. Tyson sent Douglas to the canvas in the eighth round of their fight, but "Buster" got up and composed himself enough to deliver the knock out blow in the 10th. Shades of Brady hitting Randy Moss for the go-ahead touchdown with under three minutes to play, then watching the G-men head down the field for one of their own. The parallels are eerie and leave me scrambling for rationale, only to find myself situated in some sort of dimension "beyond that which is known to man."

Anyway, I won't bore you with analysis or redundant recaps--that crap is everywhere and you're probably sick of it by now. Instead, here are a few random thoughts that I've had over the past 24 hours:

GrrrraaaaarrrCraaapppFACEMELTINGGGgGgggaAAAAAAaaarrgggghhh.

The Giants won that game. No other way to look at it. Sure, one could say that the Pats 'folded' and 'blew' a gargantuan opportunity. But as Tom Brady indicated in his post-game presser, it wasn't a matter of the Pats being out of shape or under prepared. They just got beat.

Bill Belichick failed to make the necessary in-game adjustments on offense.

The much-maligned Patriots defense held its opponent to 17 points in a Super Bowl.

The much-ballyhooed Patriots offense posted its lowest point total of the season, with 14.

New York fans are annoying when they win anything.

The Giants converted three third down opportunities during the game's first series, the longest opening drive in Super Bowl history.

Tom Brady was sacked 5 times on Sunday--the most allowed by the Patriots during any one game this season--compared to 24 in his previous 18 games.

I took solace in knowing that the Patriots weren't the biggest loser of the night. No, that title goes to Tiki Barber, who will have no ring because he is such a pompous ass.

The only bit of sweetness in this bitter, bitter pill is Well Dressed Amani Toomer getting himself a Lombardi Trophy for the living room.

Eli Manning is better than Peyton Manning. Well, maybe not. But you can't altogether dismiss that contention, and that is precisely my point.

The "Manning Luxury Suite" is one of the worst things in professional sports. Bar none.

I've yet to accept living in a world where Eli Manning has a Super Bowl title under his belt, but I'll have to eventually. However, I will never ever by okay with Antonio Pierce having one as well. He is by faaaaaaaaar the one player I wanted to see stretchered off the field with a broken fibula protruding through his tube sock. Alas, no dice. He evaded any possible career-ending injuries and won the Super Bowl to boot, making me doubly angry.

Cooper Manning is the new Tito.

We've got (at least) one more year of the '72 Dolphins, Mercury Morris and this jackassery [ed. note: the whole clip is priceless, but move to the 2:48 mark for the real magic]:

That may be what bothers me the most.

Finally, I'm glad Bob Knight picked tonight to resign from coaching, thus deflecting some attention away from the post-Super Bowl coverage ESPN would ordinarily be running on this otherwise dead sports night.

Remember When?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:21:00 +0000

The purpose of "Remember When?" is to refresh our memories about people and events that, for one reason or another, have fallen through the cracks of recollection over time.

I'd like to turn this post into a running gimmick and periodically add new entries to the series, so suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

Now, after the jump...

Remember When: Maurice Clarett threw his life away?

[Buckeye born, Buckeye bred]

It all started in 2003, when Clarett was temporarily banned from playing NCAA football for getting his pockets lined with cash and then lying to investigators in order to protect a shady coach and program that exploited his talent and inherent stupidity:

He left on a Greyhound bus last May, without a goodbye, without anyone even flipping him the bird. He left unceremoniously, in the middle of the week, with one suitcase, one jacket and one championship he doubted was worth its weight in paper. He left behind the car dealerships, where he says the head coach got him SUVs. He left behind the library, where he says tutors got him bogus A's. He left behind the two-story homes, where he says he got paid for watching paint dry.

He left behind the stucco mansions, where he says boosters slipped him cash for playing Sega with their kids. And he left behind the horseshoe stadium, where he says one man in particular "sold me out."

That program? Ohio State University. That coach? Sweatervest. That hypocrisy:

"Ohio State created me," Maurice Clarett says right off the top. "They created what they suspended."

Then, after essentially being blackballed by the program that once coveted him so, Clarett felt it wise to sue the NFL for early entry into the 2004 draft--challenging the rule that a player must be out of high school three years to be eligible for the draft. He lost, of course, and then sat out the entire 2004 season only to show up for 2005 draft camps looking slow and overweight. The Denver Broncos were foolish enough to give him a look, then burned a late-round draft pick to secure his services. Naturally, Clarett got greedy--you know, after not having played in a real football game for 2 years--and decided to waive his signing bonus in lieu of a $230k contract loaded with performance incentives. The 4-year contract could have netted him about $7 million, but he chose to "get his goose on" and was cut during the pre-season:

The minute Clarett arrived in Denver, the team began to sour on him. At the airport, before flying from Colorado to the rookie symposium, he frantically called the Broncos, saying he'd left a brief case in his airport limo. But there was no brief case in there, just a water bag he always carried around. That's all right, he said, he wanted it.

He would take that water bottle everywhere, including the Bronco weight room, and the team started getting suspicious when, before minicamp practices, he'd grab the bottle and say, "I gotta get my Goose on." It wasn't a joke; the Bronco players were convinced he was chugging Grey Goose.

["Dana Jacobson ain't got nothing on me"]

After his brief stint with the Broncos, Clarett's career-death-spiral picked up momentum and didn't stop until the ex-Buckeye found himself engaged in a high-speed pursuit with several Ohio highway patrolmen. That chase led to this ESPN headline and article: "Police Use Mace On Clarett, Arrest Him After Chase":

Officers used Mace to subdue Clarett after a stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said.

"It took several officers to get him handcuffed," Woods said. "Even after he was placed in the paddy wagon, he was still kicking at the doors and being a problem for the officers."

Don't you just hate it when the stun gun is ineffective? Me too. Anyway, what the article left out was that three of those weapons were handguns, while the fourth was an AK-47 assault rifle. Jeebus. Not even Rambo had that kind of firepower.

[Things didn't go too well at the pre-draft combines]

How does every high-speed chase end? Right. In a courtroom:

["Who the hell hired Jay Mohr to be my attorney?"]

Clarett accepted a plea agreement in September 2006 and was sentenced to 3 1/2 years in prison for robbery and concealed weapons charges. He is currently serving out the duration of his sentence and, barring poor conduct, is set to be released some time during the middle of 2010.

The lesson in all this? Unless you plan on being a felon, don't start your "career" at Ohio State.

In case we forget...

...The Effrontery remembers when Maurice Clarett threw his life away.

Bruins And Trojans Renew Rivalry

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 20:57:00 +0000

In Los Angeles, the Trojan bandwagon is all the rage. Men love 'em. Women love 'em. Gays and hookers love 'em too!

Until recently, even UCLA supporters loved 'em.

I know, I know...all you UCLA people reading this right now are thinking "Blasphemy! I would never support Trojans!"

Well, Bruin fans, unless you were practicing abstinence or fully intent on contracting HIV, I'm sure you've enjoyed some quality time with a Trojan in your lifetime. And that's okay. There's no need to be ashamed. But now, with the help of UCLA alum Mike Filonczuk (via Bruins Nation), your inner Trojan Man can finally bow to a worthy rival:

[Why go bare when you can go BEAR?]

Yes, they are real... no photoshopping whatsoever. According to Filonczuk, a patented inventor who attended UCLA from 1970-1974:

No self respecting Bruin would ever wear a Trojan!

Well done, Mike. Now they won't have to. And if you're a sexually curious Bruin who also takes safety seriously, here's all the assurance you need:

[Note: Bruins will not stop the 8-Clap]

That's right, not only are "Bruins" electronically tested [ed. note: like on what, a vibrator?] and doctor recommended, they're also high on comfort (and double entendre):

BEAR-LY THERE!

Oh, you witty Bruins, you. When humor and safety collide, it probably happens in Westwood. Problem is, the only reason I go there anymore is for In-N-Out or to hang out with my Persian friends. Maybe I should pay the village a visit sometime soon, if only to alert Frat Row that "a real Bruin would never wear anything else."

My only concern with this whole development comes from watching UCLA's football team struggle on defense all season long. They lost to Notre Dame for crying out loud(!)--and even allowed a touchdown. If these new rubbers are anything like the football team they represent, well, uh oh.

Michigan Wins National Title

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 20:18:00 +0000

Sort of.

For those of you who weren't following the goings on in Las Vegas on Saturday night, I'm pleased to report that Miss Michigan was named the winner of this year's Miss America Pageant, held at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. The prized Lombardi Bouquet went to 19-year-old Kirsten Haglund [ed note: legal is legal is legal] of Farmington Hills, MI. Having already been named Miss Oakland County 2007 and Miss Michigan 2007, Haglund's run for the roses completed the ultimate tri-fecta. The Detroit News notes:

She also won the Miss America swimsuit contest, wearing a black and gold bikini.

You mean this bikini?:

[The judges were powerless]

Whew! In addition to being my actual lucky number, "19" also avoids a felony in every state save West Virginia, where they can't count--which probably explains why the youth pregnancy rate is so high there [ed. note: I have no idea what the youth pregnancy rate is in West Virgina, but some reasonable deduction leads me to believe that is must be high given the large number of reported incest cases from last year [ed. note within the ed. note: I just made that up too]]. She kind of looks like a better version of Ricky Bobby's ex-wife, described in the film as a "stone cold fox." Shit, let's get another view:

[Could've won Miss Universe if she opted for a thong]

Not too down with the shoe selection FWIW, but they probably wouldn't be on for very long if ya know what I mean. Eh? Eh? Anyway, Haglund's victory gave the Mitten State its first Miss America winner since Kaye Lani Rae Rafko [ed. note: that's some name; and she's not even Hawaiian] of Monroe wore the Lamar Hunt Crown in 1988. I guess the bubbly just gets that much sweeter after 20 years. The win also ended another significant drought--this one for her family--as Haglund's grandmother, Iora Hunt, 82, of Elk Rapids, won the Miss Michigan pageant in 1944. That family has the genes, yo. If I can pull a Tracy Morgan and somehow sire Kirsten's first daughter, that baby is a shoe-in for Miss Michigan 2028. Then all I'll have to worry about is keeping the little girl off the pole, as Bill Simmons would say.

Haglund's father was interviewed after the event:

Asked if he knew she was going to win, he thought for a moment.

"Nobody ever really knows," he said. "But she's incredibly articulate and very intelligent."

Dad makes a good point there. I'm not surprised she won. She's definitely got a great set of, um, intelligents.

Note: The M Zone stole my title, but since I was lagging yesterday and didn't have a chance to press "publish," Yost gets all the glory for technically beating me to the punch. As recompense, I lifted the two photos he posted and put them up here for easy viewing.

How To Piss Off A Catholic: Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 19:14:00 +0000

The following will only make sense (and in turn, be much funnier) if you have already read my "How To Piss Off A Catholic" post from January 23.

Finally, some visual evidence of Dana Jacobson's antics at the Mike And Mike Celebrity Roast has surfaced. Many thanks to Baseball Musings and The Big Lead for digging up the photographs:

[The "Michigan Difference"]

Yes, that is the infamous "vodka swilling" moment Deadspin was so giddy about last week. If you ask me, the best part of the photo is Trey Wingo sporting that shit-eating grin in the background. Classic. Here's another shot, this time of Jeff Ross (obscured) trying to help (read: kick) Jacobson off stage:

[Even Mike Ditka was embarrassed]

Between the anti-Notre Dame rhetoric and the prolonged Belvedere-swig, there is ample evidence to support the notion that Dana Jacobson culled her wild ways at some of Ann Arbor's finest sorority hotspots. Keeping with tradition, I'm sure she practiced on the Svedka before moving up to the Belvedere big leagues.

Bring 'Dat Beat Back

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 04:45:00 +0000

I stumbled upon an amazing highlight reel from one of my all-time favorite Michigan Football games, played August 31, 2002, when UofM faced the Washington Huskies at The Big House on opening day in front of 111,000+ people. The clip itself is fantastic because it does a great job of telling the story of that game--rather than just showcasing all the Michigan touchdowns in biased fashion. I will remember that day for the rest of my life, and here are some notable reasons why (as well as a few interesting things to look for in the clip):

My first ever game at The Big House; my parents, who were in town to help me move in to my freshman dorm, came with me to the game.

It was about 90 degrees and humid as hell.

Chris Perry ripped off a 60+ yard touchdown run on the second play of the season.

Braylon Edwards was still wearing #80, a year away from putting on the #1 and never looking back.

I only disliked John Navarre at this point, and was still a few weeks away from learning to completely loathe him with every fiber of my being.

It was still the Neuheisel Era at U-Dub.

Michigan and Washington came in to the game ranked #8 and #9 in the country, respectively.

It was a flat-out incredible game and had one of those tense, dramatic endings... Michigan was down 28-29 when Philip Brabbs connected on a 44-yard field goal with time expiring to give the Wolverines the victory. Great sidenote: Brabbs was benched earlier in the game after two misses, then Troy Nienberg came in and missed a field goal, so Lloyd Carr put Brabbs back in and he nailed the game-winner.

Here's the footage, courtesy of Wolverine Historian:

Goosebumps. Every damn time. It's weird, but watching those highlights stirs up every conceivable emotion and leaves me not knowing whether to cheer, cry, smile, scream, laugh, faint, or simply call my buddy Joncheeeler to reminisce. That game basically set the tone for the greatest four years of my life.

A 20 Year Old Prediction

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 02:08:00 +0000

I was fully rooting for the Packers against the Giants in last week's NFC Championship Game. Even when the Giants were about to put the game away in regulation, I was feeling pretty confident that the Pack would rally and find a way to pull it out. The game was in Green Bay in mid-January for crying out loud. So when the contest wound up in overtime, I thought Favre was Super Bowl bound for the third time in his career. Done and done. "No way the Giants are winning this one" was my comment to a buddy. That same friend replied back, "dude, the G-men were done from the start...nobody thought they would win anyway."

Nobody except Prince Akeem of Zamunda, who made his prediction way back in 1988:

Wow. How did I miss that one? He totally nailed the call, right down to the winning Lawrence Tynes field goal. I would have been a lot less disappointed in the outcome of the game if I had bothered to ask Akeem for some pre-game prognostication.

Stetson Man

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 00:29:00 +0000

The Boston Globe has some news about a special new fragrance:

The marketing team at Stetson Cologne has picked a prime time to unveil another provocative picture of its spokesmodel Tom Brady.

...

Citing his "rugged sophistication" and "masculine spirit," Stetson signed Gisele Bundchen's boyfriend to a two-year endorsement deal last fall. The new cologne--Stetson Fresh--won't be available until March, but since all eyes are on Brady as the Pats prepare for the Super Bowl, Stetson decided now is as good a time as any to flog their fragrance.

The aforementioned picture:

[When I wake up in the morning, I piss excellence]

This is a definite "Michael Jordan Cologne" situation if I've ever seen one. I'll admit, I was one of the assholes who purchased MJ's signature scent when it was released in 1996. Did I ever wear it? Perhaps once, but not really. Am I glad I bought it so that now, some 12 years later, I still have the collectible bottle and package? Absolutely. Which is one of the reasons why I'll be picking up a bottle of "Stetson Fresh, starring Tom Brady" when it is released this March. Well, that and the fact that Tom Brady could sell maxi pads and I'd be lining up to get my hands on a box.

Hmmmm, that makes me wonder... If Tom Brady and Peyton Manning ever got in to the maxi pad endorsement business, would Peyton be endorsing the brand that "always lets you down when you need the most protection?" I'd think so. Brady is totally a "reliability when the pressure's on" kind of guy.

You were thinking that too, right?

Clips

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 20:32:00 +0000

It's raining today, so how about a bunch of sick clips you haven't seen in a while? Is that something you might be interested in?

[Clips!]

Pre-Super Bowl XLII tribute to Randy Moss. Man, I totally forgot about this old Nike ad with the vintage Moss footage. Great stuff. White Chocolate makes an appearance too:

Mike Legg flashback. The Wolverines have the No. 1 hockey team in the country right now, so this is as good a time as any to bring up Mike Legg. Every time ESPN runs a 'greatest highlights' type show, the top-5 always features this classic move from 1996, known forevermore as "The Michigan Move":

It's also worth noting that the goal you just witnessed took place with Michigan down 2-1 to powerhouse Minnesota in the '96 western regional finals. The Wolverines went on to win the game 4-3, and ultimately claimed the National Championship.

Tracy Morgan Extravaganza. The dude just makes me laugh. Period. I'm actually considering a trip to the local cinema for a viewing of "First Sunday," but that's another story altogether. Regardless, I doubt any of his new work could touch some of the gems he's previously been responsible for. Remember those NBA2K video game ads from a few years ago...

"Wrong direction, bro." That shit always cracks me up. Almost as much as his conversation with "W. Sapp":

Watch it again. No, really, watch it again. It's incredibly good. Now, here's Tracy live and pregnant on the WGN morning news:

Okay, those were just some quickies leading up to this extended batch of "how to be black" tutorials [ed. note: the clip is from "Totally Awesome," a terrible movie with about nine minutes of worthy dialogue/content that you can find right here]:

I'm laughing too hard to cap this post in any meaningful way.

RichRod Update

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:28:00 +0000

Note: if you didn't read my "Almost heaven..." post from January 18, start there to get brought up to speed.

The West Virginia Jihad. More coverage and analysis from Brian at MGoBlog:

"West F-in' Jihad: Day VII" - Monday, January 21, 2008

"West F-in' Jihad: Day IX" - Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The upshot. As Brian puts it:

Assumptions going forward: the shredding thing was much ado about precisely nothing, Rodriguez is neither Satan or Carr, and no one should particularly care about the outcome of the WVU-Rodriguez lawsuit.

The coach. Newly hired WVU football coach Bill Stewart couldn't agree more and said as much to The Charleston Gazette:

Stewart has had enough of it. Tuesday night, though, he became one of the few principles involved to say enough is enough, at least without slinging more mud in the process.

In fact, if he slung anything it was rose petals.

"He's the football coach at Michigan and I'm the football coach at West Virginia and that's what we need to be doing," Stewart told the Gazette late Tuesday night. "The wounds need to heal. We need to go on."

Seriously. Stewart has a job to do and wants to get down to business--something WVU fans would probably find in their best interest:

...as for the he-said, she-said mess that has been created by all of the collateral issues--from Rodriguez calling WVU recruits, shredding files and generally leaving in a huff to new accusations from Rodriguez's camp of racial prejudice in the search for his successor--Stewart said he wishes it would just all go away so that both universities can focus on the future rather than the past.

"Who is any of this helping? It's certainly not helping West Virginia University or Michigan. It's not helping Billy Stewart or Rich Rodriguez," Stewart said. "I understand there are issues and a lot of them have to be dealt with. But hasn't it just all gotten ridiculous? How did we get to this point?"

The simple answer... West Virginians are crazy. Unfortunately, irrational fan backlash is the price an institution must be willing to pay when it enters into a high-profile coaching search. Bob Wojnowski of the Detroit News makes some great points to that effect:

People are so wounded in West Virginia, there allegedly has been vandalism to Rodriguez's property and threats to his family. Internet sites are finding all sorts of ways to defile Rodriguez, a West Virginia alum who plummeted from state hero to state heretic.

He knew some of this was coming, and Michigan should have expected it. There's no reason for athletic director Bill Martin or president Mary Sue Coleman to get squeamish now. If they have the stomach to authorize a $226 million renovation of Michigan Stadium, and the boldness to swipe one of college football's best coaches for $2 million-plus per season, they better have the strength to deal with the ugly side.

Martin declined comment Thursday, but Rodriguez said his boss backs him fully. Asked if he wanted to apologize to West Virginia for anything, Rodriguez sounded puzzled.

"Apologize for what?" he said. "I know their feelings are hurt. I changed jobs, this is America. I don't know what the agenda is, but I'd like for everybody to move forward."

...

Rodriguez was so ingrained at West Virginia, his departure was going to anger people no matter how he left, or where he went. If this makes folks in Ann Arbor uneasy, they're probably pining for a college football world that doesn't exist anymore. Four decades of promoting from within made Michigan one of the most stable programs, and one of the most insulated.

Bottom line. Feelings were hurt, poo was flung, rabid college football fans acted like rabid college football fans, Michigan knew what it was in for (or should have) when it entered the football arms race, the courts and lawyers will deal with the buyout, both fanbases need to move on and focus on 2008.

How To Piss Off A Catholic

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 22:34:00 +0000

About a week ago, I linked an article to the "This Just In..." section about ESPN anchorwoman Dana Jacobson's boorish behavior at the Mike and Mike Celebrity Roast. The piece, from Deadspin, briefly summarizes what went on in Atlantic City:

ESPN anchor Dana Jacobson made an absolute fool of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment. [Comedian Eddie] Griffin came to the podium to defend her after she was booed by the crowd. Ross eventually had to pull her off stage, too.

Then, the feature makes light of Jacobson's drunken attempts at humor:

We can think of no more appropriate reaction to being forced to attend a Mike And Mike Roast than swigging from a bottle of Belvedere, Jim Morrison-style, while jumping on stage and, essentially, committing career suicide. We'd do the exact same thing, had we been in that position. And we wouldn't have looked as perty.

Well, the reason all that caught my attention and found its way on to The Effrontery is twofold: 1) I have an unhealthy obsession with SportsCenter anchors/reporters and their deployment [ed. note: not just the anchors themselves, but more the time slots they fill and the way certain people are paired up], and 2) Dana Jacobson is a Jew who graduated from The University of Michigan with a BA in English. I joked that "she clearly learned how to party in A^2," but I didn't realize how accurate that statement was until this morning. WorldNetDaily has an exclusive on Jacobson's inflammatory remarks from the roast:

A Catholic advocacy group charges the sports TV network ESPN has failed to respond properly to a graphic rant by anchorwoman Dana Jacobson in which she "attacked Jesus Christ."

Jacobson, reportedly intoxicated, was speaking at a celebrity roast in Atlantic City, N.J., when she unleashed a profane tirade, saying, "F--- Notre Dame," "F--- Touchdown Jesus" and finally "F--- Jesus."

If I could marry Dana Jacobson and never have to look at her I totally would [ed. note: she's pretty booty; see below].

[The pride of Bloomfield Hills, MI]

It bears repeating: Jacobson is Jewish and graduated from UofM. If you don't believe me, just use the above comments as a checklist. Being a member of both tribes myself, I couldn't be more proud. She almost kind of sorta totally reaffirmed my faith in The SportsCenter Anchor during a time in which lame pundits seem to be doing little more than shopping at the catchphrase store. Well, she didn't quite do that, but dropping a "F--- Notre Dame" sequence certainly went a long way. Then there's the icing on the cake:

Jacobson is a Michigan graduate, and she and Golic, a former Irish defensive lineman, often have exchanged barbs about the rivalry between the schools.

...

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis also was in attendance.

Though he was probably too enthralled with the crème brulee they served for dessert to notice, I would love to have seen the look on Fat Charlie's engorged face when Jacobson was throwing the F-bombs. The thought alone slays me. Unfortunately, Catholics are vicious and love to get riled up over...everything:

Catholic League president Bill Donohue said he pressed ESPN on the issue and received an e-mail with an unsatisfactory statement by Jacobson.

The statement said, in part, "My remarks about Notre Dame were foolish and insensitive. I respect all religions and did not mean anything derogatory by my poorly chosen words."

Donohue contended the response "fails on several counts."

...

"It is obvious, then, that neither Jacobson nor ESPN is dealing with this matter in a professional way," Donohue declared. "To put this issue behind them, ESPN must deal with this issue quickly, publicly and fairly, something it has yet to do. After all, most Christians are yet unaware of this event, but once they learn of it, they are sure to demand accountability."

Of course, any time someone starts screaming and waving a crucifix at ESPN, the network generally follows up with the ubiquitous dog-and-pony sanction. Such is the case with Jacobson, who is currently serving a one-week suspension from The Worldwide Leader for her comments made at the roast. Because, you know, Jesus gets really really sad when people call him names.

Whatever. She'll be back in a week and Notre Dame will still suck on ice--life goes on. But we'll always have those remarks to keep us warm at night. Thank you, Dana.

More, more, more. Deadspin's discussion of the latest blowback is great; a lot of it is MOTS, but they get a mention here for attacking the dubious integrity of Bill Donohue. Word.

Recognition

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:23:00 +0000

Even though I reside in Southern California, where hockey hasn't mattered since the 48-hour period in 1988 when Wayne Gretzky moved from Edmonton to Los Angeles, there's no way I'm missing an opportunity to sing the praises of the nation's #1 college hockey team when said team happens to be the Michigan Wolverines.

[It's a celebration, bitches]

According to the latest set of INCH Power Rankings (1/20/08) and the most recent USCHO.com/CSTV (1/21/08) and USAToday/USHockeyMagazine (1/21/08) polls, the Wolverine Icers sit atop the college hockey world for the third straight week. And for good reason. On Friday, the top-ranked Wolverines defeated No. 8 Notre Dame in a dramatic 3-2 come-from-behind victory at Yost Ice Arena in Ann Arbor:

Michigan's Louie Caporusso converted when it counted the most after missing several golden opportunities earlier in the game in the Wolverines' come-from-behind 3-2 win over Notre Dame Friday night at a raucous Yost Ice Arena.

The freshman forward's third game-winning goal of the year, his fifth overall, with just 20.3 seconds remaining capped a see-saw battle between two of the top four teams in the CCHA.

The matchup between the top-ranked Wolverines and the No. 8 Fighting Irish lived up to its pre-game billing, as each team dominated a period and then played tight, up and down hockey in the deciding stanza.

I have spoken to a few people who were in attendance on Friday night, and each of them felt--without prompting--that it was the best game played at Yost in a long time. Which is really saying something. Then, on Saturday night, UofM completed the sweep by crushing the Domers 5-1 at The Palace of Auburn Hills. Bob Miller, writing for USCHO, had this reaction to the dominant victory and the Wolverines' season to date:

At the start of the season, a multitude of questions surrounded the prospects for Michigan's 2007-2008 hockey season, from goaltending concerns to the ability of a large group of 12 freshmen to handle the rigors of a full college hockey campaign.

Few of the Wolverines' faithful would have expected the squad to be carrying the vaunted program's best ever record through 24 games into the final weeks of January.

That's exactly what the top-ranked Wolverines' 5-1 victory over No. 8 Notre Dame at The Palace of Auburn Hills accomplished Saturday night.

The win, in front of a crowd of 10,831, enabled the Wolverines to maintain their share of the CCHA conference lead.

Five different goal scorers hit paydirt for Michigan and Billy Sauer continued his stellar play, turning aside 32 fighting Irish shots.

Michigan is now 22-2-0 overall, and 15-1-0 in the CCHA--surprising stuff, given the departure of Jack Johnson and Andrew Cogliano to the NHL, and the graduation of seniors T.J. Hensick, David Rohlfs, Matt Hunwick and Jason Dest. The team lost nearly every one of its all-world studs after last season, yet managed to reload with a crop of young talent [ed. note: 12 freshmen, wow], steady play from defender Mark Mitera, lights-out goalkeeping by Billy Sauer, and the return of forwards Kevin Porter and Chad Kolarik for their final season in Ann Arbor. Legendary Coach Red Berenson, now in his 24th year at the helm for his alma mater, had this to say about his squad prior to the season:

This will be a big year for Michigan in terms of a challenge.

Last year, we sat here and we knew we'd be a good team because of Hensick and Hunwick and Johnson and Cogliano and our big senior class, but all those guys are gone. We have 12 incoming freshmen that will have to contribute to this year's team.

Certainly the depth of our team should be good but the experience will be a question mark, so this will be the most interesting season in the recent past for the coaching staff at Michigan and certainly for the players.

Most interesting indeed. Berenson is probably urinating in the bushes with joy now that his youngins are stepping up and meeting the challenge in a big way. In fact, that joy has moved me to issue the following challenge (to myself): if the Wolverines take care of business and make the 2008 Frozen Four--taking place in Denver, CO from April 10-12--yours truly will be in attendance come hell or high water.

Or frozen water.

Highlights! From Friday night at Yost:

[ed. note: I'm having lots of trouble with the MGoBlue embeds, so just click here to launch the highlights]

And Saturday at The Palace:

[ed. note: same as above; click here to launch the highlights]

Bonus Coverage! The Blog That Yost Built recaps and reacts to Friday's drama:

What a fricken hockey game! That was as good of an all-around game as I've seen in a long time.

...

Overall a really impressive performance against a good hockey team in a tournament-like atmosphere. They sacked up and found a way to come from two goals down against a team that hadn't lost a game all year when they scored first (or led after one).

Colin at Yet Another Michigan Blog notes the crowd at Yost:

The crowd deserves mention because we showed why the hockey crowd is the best around. Michigan's best, but probably anybody's best. It doesn't matter how much we're down, the crowd always has life, rarely boos its own team (if ever) and in general is funny and positive. By the end, everyone was utterly ecstatic and I don't think anyone has their voice. It was as much fun as I've had in a long time. It's why I go.

And if Michigan holds serve, I'll be going ROCO in April with the crowd in Denver.

Foot fetish

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 20:31:00 +0000

Always the ladies man, Tom Terrific was spotted yesterday en route to Gisele Bundchen's Manhattan apartment for a little TLC (and probably some wild freaky sex). He brought flowers and a walking b-- Huh? Walking boot?!?!

[That's what happens when you make a career of stomping on Peyton Manning]

Now, I'm as concerned as anyone when it comes to the health of my #1 mancrush, but this is clearly a case of pre-Super Bowl XLII mind games. Consider this:

Then, hours after being photographed, other pictures showed Brady wearing black shoes--and no boot--when he showed up at a New York club.

For one, Tom Brady has been listed as "probable" on every injury report for the past six years. For two, he was walking through New York City, tabloid media epicenter and home of the Patriots' Super Bowl opponent--if the foot were an actual issue, he a) wouldn't have made the trip, or b) wouldn't have worn a walking cast in broad daylight while being swarmed by paparazzi. For three, this is Tom "when I get bored with TV stars, I move on to supermodels" Brady we're talking about here.

He might put his pants on one leg at a time, just like you and me. Except, when he puts his pants on, the guy wins Super Bowls.

Barwis The Destroyer

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:52:00 +0000

I was trying to explain to someone that hiring Rich Rodriguez, unquestionably one of the top coaches in all of college football, was not Michigan's most significant off-season upgrade. My argument was limp and unconvincing, largely because I didn't have the right backup. Thankfully, the internet is here to help out. I'll start with this piece from the Times West Virginian:

It is not meant to belittle the effect of the defection of West Virginia football coach Rich Rodriguez to Michigan, but if I were to tell you that his departure may not be the most difficult for the school's athletic department to withstand you may think that I spent a little too much time this week in Kentucky with my old friend Jack Daniels.

Yet that may be the case. As much as Rodriguez was the architect of the revival of WVU football, converting it into a national power, there was someone on his staff who may have laid the foundation not only for the football renaissance but for the rise of the school's other sports programs.

That person was Mike Barwis, who served as the director of strength and conditioning at the school, which meant that he supervised the entire Mountaineer strength program.

Okay, so big deal. Right? Wrong. Before I go any further, I need to note the fact that Michigan has been using the same S&C program it ran when Bo Schembechler was hired; only one other program in the country still uses it, and I doubt you'll be surprised when I tell you that it's Penn State, coached by octogenarian Joe Paterno. Anyway, the same article does a good job of explaining why S&C (and Barwis, specifically) is so important:

Let us first understand that in the field of athletics in this modern era, it is the strength coach who becomes closest to the athletes. In truth, [Barwis] spends far more time with them than does the head coach, who has duties recruiting and raising funds in the off-season while Barwis is running them up law school hill or devising other devilish programs that are meant to build both physical and mental strength.

But Barwis always finds time to reach each player on a personal level. He is a brother to some, father to other, priest to those who need some spiritual guidance and warden, if necessary.

It is difficult to imagine what it is like to be cooped up in a weight room with Barwis, who is hard as granite and wound so tight that he literally can't take a break from his routine. If you think you get a jolt out of 5-Hour Energy Drink, get yourself a transfusion of Barwis' blood, if you can get him to lie still on a table long enough to part with it.

Those are some strong words. But you know what's crazy? They don't do the guy justice. Upon being hired by Michigan, Barwis answered questions at his introductory presser about the changes he would implement...

Whoa. Intensity in ten cities, as Wayne Campbell would say. The Freep abides:

When Rich Rodriguez interviewed for the Michigan football coaching job, he knew little about the Wolverines' inner workings.

Yet, despite scant firsthand knowledge of the strength-and-conditioning program, he asked for and received a significant amount of money to improve it.

That's why the weight room downstairs in Schembechler Hall was virtually empty Friday -- new equipment is en route -- and upstairs, new strength and conditioning coach Mike Barwis was holding court on his relentless approach.

"I hope none of us scare them off," said Barwis, who leads a staff of six. "I hope all the kids here want to be a part of the program and work to achieve their goals. ...I love them all like they're my children, but I'm going to be hard on them -- I'm hard on my children.

Tip of the iceberg, people. Here's Barwis The Destroyer amping up the Mountaineers before their thrashing of Oklahoma in the 2008 Fiesta Bowl [ed. note: it's not as long as the last clip, which was a full press conference]:

Jeebus. I cream my pants every time I watch footage of Mike Barwis. I wish I had that clip on hand when I was trying to make my point the other day. Although, things might have gotten messy.

UPDATE (8:36 PM): I forgot to include one related quote regarding the coaching transition and a subject of major worry to me (former players feeling welcome and comfortable with the new regime). Leave it to RichRod to assuage my concern:

In an effort to introduce himself and his staff to former Michigan players, Rodriguez plans to host an event in Ann Arbor in February.

"I want to meet all the guys that played here. I didn't play here, so I didn't know a lot of them. But I know how much pride they have in this place, and I want to meet 'em and talk to 'em, and I want to make sure all the former players feel welcome coming back here, and I think they will once they meet all the staff members."

Music to my ears.

Almost heaven...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 23:48:00 +0000

...pretty damn close to hell.

[The Shredder]

A lot of people have been asking me about this whole Rich Rodriguez/West Virginia bru ha ha for a few days now. While I am more than happy to field your UofM queries, Brian at MGoBlog has been following the situation with a magnifying glass and fine-toothed comb all week long, making him a far better arbiter of truth. As such, here are the links (in chronological order) to his running analysis:

"Oklahoma's Defense or Paper?" - Tuesday, January 15, 2008

"West F-in' Jihad: Day II" - Wednesday, January 16, 2008

"West F-in' Jihad: Day III" - Thursday, January 17, 2008

"West F-in' Jihad: Day IV" - Friday, January 18, 2008

Not only does Brian do a comprehensive job of covering the nitty-gritty and debunking vindictive spin, he also happens to be quite entertaining. I highly recommend reading those posts.

Moving away from the blogosphere, but keeping with the Rodriguez/WVU spat, the following MSM article responding to the disjointed and irrational outcry is a must-read:

"WVU's juvenile behavior toward Rodriguez must stop" - Friday, January 18, 2008

I'll try to provide more updates as things develop. Stay tuned.

Mixed signals from the Sports Guy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 19:33:00 +0000

I've always loved reading Bill Simmons. Other than checking The Effrontery [ed. note: shameless plug], there is no better way to entertain yourself during moments of extreme boredom (read: work) than reading through the Sports Guy's latest offering of banter. Because things have been busy around here lately, I'm still getting caught up on his more recent columns and rants. Well, this morning I was ripping through his NFL Divisional Playoff Preview column from two weeks ago and discovered one of the best calls he--nay, anyone--has ever made. Here's the sequence:

During breaks in the Skins-Hawks game, I was flicking over to "Beverly Hills Cop" on one of the HD channels, and maybe it was seeing Jenny Summers' come-hither smirk in high definition for the first time, but how did I never notice the smoldering sexual tension in the scene when Axel brings his old friend Jenny back to his Beverly Hills hotel room and she lays down on his bed and bats her eyelashes at him for a couple of minutes? For God's sake, she did everything but take her clothes off and assume the missionary position, and yet Axel was more interested in ordering room service for Taggart and Rosewood. I don't get it.

Which leads me to my $64,000 question: Was Axel Foley secretly gay?

In the first two "Cop" movies (I refuse to admit that "Cop 3" happened), Axel didn't have a girlfriend, and we never saw him hook up with a single girl. In "Cop 1," he convincingly pretended to be Victor Maitlin's lover in a public restaurant. In "Cop 2," he ruined what could have been a fantastic time for his buddies at the Playboy Mansion by starting a fight for no real reason with a suspected bank robber. In "Cop 1," he made Taggart and Rosewood follow him to a strip joint, almost like he was overcompensating, then spent more time looking around the club than looking at the girls. In both "Cop" movies, he ably served as a platonic friend for Jenny and Lt. Bogomil's daughter (without ever making a move on either of them); he clicked with two obviously gay characters (the ones played by Damon Wayans and Bronson Pinchot); and he loved playing a perverse cat-and-mouse game with Taggart and Rosewood (two guys). And he was willing to risk his job and his life to avenge the murder of his old "buddy" Mikey, who just happened to be coming back to "crash" at Axel's apartment on the night he was murdered. We're sure Axel Foley was straight? We're sure?

(Here's how we'll get an official answer once and for all: If Logo starts running either "Cop" movie. That's how we settled the "Was Bull Durham a chick flick?" argument years ago, when it started running on Lifetime. As far as I'm concerned, the ball is in Logo's hands. They would know better than me.)

As a person who has also viewed the "Cop" movies in excess of 300 times, I must applaud Simmons for bringing all that up. I mean, it's got to be in the "Movie Minutiae Great Call Pantheon," right? First ballot, if you ask me. Sort of like the way I felt when someone (I forget who) once mentioned to me that Martin Scorsese's mother, Catherine, played the role of Joe Pesci's mother in GoodFellas: "Yeah, I knew that already, dumbass" was my reaction [ed. note: remember, this was 1992 and I was nine years old]. He responded with, "but did you know that Scorsese's dad, Charles, played 'Vinnie' in the movie?" That totally floored me. Especially because I was so obsessed with the film that telling people I was Sicilian ("Sis-eeeel-yan," was how I'd intentionally pronounce it) and rhetorically asking "If you think I'm actually Jewish, then why the hell would mama and papa name me 'Anthony?'" was commonplace. Imagine my nine-year-old reaction to learning something new about a subject I felt I had mastered. "What a great call...I can't believe I didn't think of/know that!" pretty much sums up the feeling I had.

Anyway, back to Simmons. That deduction he made about Axel Foley's latent homosexuality is great. I rarely gush about a member of the MSM, let alone one who works for The Worldwide Leader, but it was a fantastic call--and one I never put the pieces together on. As with the Charles Scorsese revelation, shame on me.

Now, the above-referenced column was written about a week ago, on January 11 to be exact. So picture my surprise when just yesterday my friend 'Joncheeeler' [ed. note: this is someone who knows his Simmons cold] suggested, apropos of my Ted McGinley "jumping the shark" reference, that Bill Simmons might have done the same with his sports columns--as evidenced by this article about some contrived NBA theory he calls "Chemacterility." Read through the whole column if you wish, but here are a few high-, er, low-lights:

These guys eat dinner, hang out, work out and play video games together. They don't care about stats, acclaim, shots or minutes. It's a team in every sense. Even better, Boston's future is protected for years to come: Allen's contract expires in 2010, Pierce's in 2011, KG's in 2012. The Celtics are good, and they will continue to be good. What more can you ask for? When you can mix talent with chemacterility, you have something substantial.

That passage came midway through the piece, yet I was still asking how it explained 1) what "chemacterility" is, and 2) why, specifically, it is the end-all-be-all of NBA success strategies? Or, perhaps it is just a convoluted, off-base theory the Sports Guy talked himself into believing? I'm leaning towards that conclusion. Otherwise, get me and my friends on an NBA roster immediately. We eat dinner, hang out, work out and play video games too.

He then goes on to say this:

Now, if you're a Blazers fan, you're thinking, Wait, that sounds familiar! After enduring the debilitating Jail Blazers era, the locals despised the team so much that Portland's suits targeted chemistry guys...

Chemistry guys, eh? This is such an amorphous term. A player could be a 'chemistry' guy on one team, and a cancer on another. Take Stephen Jackson's sudden uptick in 'character' and 'team chemistry' upon joining the Golden State Warriors as a prime example. Before departing the Indiana Pacers midway through the 2006-2007 NBA season, he was the antithesis of a 'character guy,' known almost exclusively for his role in the infamous "Malice at The Palace" mele of 2004. He was branded a pariah and subsequently sent packing. Then he landed in Oakland and everyone expected chaos [ed. note: it is Oakland, ya know], not the perfect storm of character and intensity that propelled the 8th-seeded Warriors to an inexplicable first-round triumph over the Dallas Mavericks in the 2007 NBA Playoffs. In fact, the series-clincher against the Mavs saw him establish the franchise record for most three-pointers made in a playoff game (going 7-of-8 from long range), including makes in his first seven attempts. So where's the beef? Is he a 'chemistry' guy or not? Well, if you can't answer that question (like me), then perhaps the Sports Guy's "chemacterility" logic should be printed on toilet paper for people (like me) to wipe their ass with.

["Aaaay!"]

Yikes. I love reading his work. I really do. But I'm sure a ton of people still loved the Fonz during, and even after, his infamous cartilaginous-fish-jumping scene. Just because you admire someone or his work does not rule out the possibility of him having made the leap, as it were. It just means you are probably too deep in the forest to see the trees. That being said, I'm going to reserve judgment for a bit. But it's something I'm definitely keeping an eye on.

UPDATE (12:19 PM): After reading this post, my buddy Joncheeeler (as mentioned earlier) and I had a quick exchange on Gmail Chat:

Joncheeeler: I still think the primary reason that column is a piece of shit is that he tries to say that there's this new trend where u get character guys to build a winner, while completely ignoring the fact that u need to have a total stud bigman on your roster [ed. note: like Tim Duncan or KG] before u can operate on the "chemacterility" premise

Me: good point

Joncheeeler: and the only way to get one of those guys is to luck out and have the #1 pick when one happens to be in the draft, or make an unfair trade with your butt buddy

Me: like Ainge and McHale

Joncheeeler: exactly

Good stuff there.

Quick Hits

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 20:37:00 +0000

So much time and so little to do.

Wait.

Strike that. Reverse it.

Some Wednesday quick hits...

Jay Bilas. ...is still a deluded pederast. But more people are starting to catch on(!), like Adrian Wojnarowski of Yahoo! Sports:

It was one thing for ESPN's Jay Bilas to keep defending Tommy Amaker's brutal run as coach at Michigan, but another to start going after his successor, John Beilein, for being honest about the pitiful program left him in Ann Arbor.

The more Bilas shills for Amaker, the more people in basketball laugh at him.

Unlike Amaker, Beilein never had the ultimate coaching godfather to pick up the phone and get him a job.

"C'mon Jay, that is terrible," an NBA scout who watched Amaker's team regularly in the Big Ten emailed me this week after reading Bilas’ blog rant.

"Almost laughable, really."

Here here. Almost as laughable as Bilas' go-to catchphrase for exalting deep 3-point shooters, where he refers to the player as being "really, really long." That's sort of like Al Michaels' famed injury remark, "he's out with a knee."

T.P. are you with me? Well, yes. Apparently, this weekend:

Big news on the Terrelle Pryor front -- he has changed his official visit date and will head to Ann Arbor this weekend (he was originally scheduled to come in just before signing day).

If anyone in Ann Arbor is listening, GO TO THE FUCKING IOWA GAME THIS WEEKEND! Sorry for yelling...in case you can't tell, Terrelle Pryor is kind of a big deal:

Pryor is a dynamic dual-threat quarterback that showcased his talent in front of a national television audience at the U.S. Army All-American Bowl. His 6-foot-6, 235-pound frame draws natural comparisons to Vince Young, and his stats support his status as the nation's No. 1 player. He finished his career with 4,250 rushing yards and 4,249 passing yards. He led his team to a state championship as a senior, as he rushed for 1,899 yards and 36 scores. He also got it done through the air with 1,889 passing yards and 23 scores.

Basically, the consensus #1 high school player in the country didn't even have Michigan on his radar a month ago. Enter Rich Rodriguez and BAM! POW! WHACK!: T.P. essentially narrows his choices to Ohio State and Michigan. Wow. Considering that, the fact there is even a sliver of a fiber of a remote chance at landing him is absolutely crazy, but then again so is RichRod and his wacko ninja offense. All bets are off. What it boils down to is (on paper) one player holding the immediate future of both football programs in his hot little touchdown-throwing hands. The projected success he is expected to have at whatever university he selects, be it Michigan or Ohio State, pales in comparison to the effect his decision would have upon the school he rejects. If he hypothetically chooses Ohio State, Michigan will still find an excellent quarterback to run the show (and vice-versa). But if this is the case, Ohio State will be the prohibitive favorite on the third Saturday in November for the duration of his enrollment. That, people, is something WORTH YELLING ABOUT. Brian at MGoBlog is of like mind and already has his Pryor Klaxons set to maximum.

Downer. This article about Antonio Bass' knee rehab is really depressing. I mean, it's nice to see him so positive and determined, but you can't help but feel for the guy. Geez.

Upper! With attrition-palooza finally over in Ann Arbor, here's someone who isn't leaving early to go pro:

University of Michigan defensive tackle Terrance Taylor won't be joining junior wide receivers Mario Manningham and Adrian Arrington in the 2008 NFL Draft.

Muskegon High School coach Tony Annese said Tuesday afternoon that his former player had decided to return to Michigan for his senior season.

"I had lunch with him and we really talked about getting a degree," Annese said. "And he said that's what he wanted to do."

Phew. In the immortal words of Bo Schembechler, "those who stay will be champions." Incidentally, they will also be college graduates. A university degree for a football player? What a novel concept.

Class. Something foreign to the city of Indianapolis and its football supporters. Did anybody catch that brief ceremony at the end of the 3rd quarter during Saturday's playoff matchup between the Chargers and Colts? Well, I did. And so did the Patriots' head honcho:

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. (AP) -- Patriots owner Robert Kraft sat behind his wide desk and marveled at how his team's jersey could be the target of so many boos -- even when it's worn by a 14-year-old girl.

This wasn't Randy Moss or Rodney Harrison hearing the catcalls. They're used to it.

This was Anna Grant, a high school freshman who had worked hard to win the Punt, Pass & Kick competition in her age group as the team's representative.

When she was introduced along with the other winners before the fourth quarter of San Diego's playoff win last Sunday, she was the only one booed by the crowd in Indianapolis, home of New England's fiercest rival.

...

"What I decided is that we would honor her here before this game," Kraft said in an interview in his office filled with photos, footballs and other memorabilia. "We will recognize her as the winner on the field. Our fans will know."

Grant returned from school Tuesday and heard a phone message from Andre Tippett, the Patriots' executive director of community affairs and a former star linebacker.

She called back and was ecstatic when Tippett extended the invitation -- plus tickets for her, her parents and two brothers -- to take part.

Go Pats. Go Bob Kraft. Go Anna Grant. And screw you, Colts fans. Just remember how much you and your organization suck while you are booing Anna Grant this weekend from your Costco-decorated living rooms. Way to send the RCA Dome out in style.

Doc & Gopher. For you "Love Boat" enthusiasts out there, check out this 30th Anniversary oral history as told by some of the show's cast members and creators. It's filled with interesting and random facts, like Producer Doug Cramer's remarks on hiring Ted McGinley, the patron saint of "jumping the shark," to breathe a little life into the series:

He was a junior Bob Redford in his day.

Yes, I especially enjoyed Mr. Redford's performances in Revenge of the Nerds and Married...with Children.

That's it for today's quick hits. I may add an update or two, depending on how the rest of the day goes. Don't hold your breath. Unless you are hoping Terrelle Pryor selects Michigan--in that case, suffocate away! If it somehow helps us nab Pryor, you will be martyred and have your praises sung for eternity.

UPDATE (4:58 PM): Some additional stuff on Pryor & Michigan from Sports Illustrated:

The nation's No. 1 player, Jeannette, Pa., quarterback Terrelle Pryor, has had quite a busy week since the U.S. Army All American Bowl. He's added a recruiting mentor, he's shuffled a few of his official visit dates and he's now interested in a new team. Here's the latest on Pryor.

"I'm taking my official visit to Michigan on Jan. 18, that's this upcoming weekend," he said. "I was supposed to go to Penn State but that's changed. I'm not really sure where I'm going on Jan. 25 and if I'll even take a visit in February. Right now it's Michigan as the only one scheduled."

Pryor has been allowing his new mentor, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Charlie Batch, to help with the process now that it is getting more hectic.

I like that he moved up his visit to UofM in order to spend the full weekend there. Clearly, he's very interested. Unlike with Penn State--a place he isn't going to visit--where the fear of JoePa sinking those dentures into Terrelle's neck to further enhance his longevity is a real concern. Personally, I was fixated on his choice of mentor: Charlie Batch. In my best Sheila Broflovski voice, "What, whaaat, whaaaaat?" Dude! That's crazy! I mean, whether it is crazy good or crazy bad is neither here nor there...but it is definitely random. Here's the skinny:

I've known Charlie for a couple years. His brother dates my aunt. Charlie is kind of part of my family now. We talk. I asked him if he would want to go on my visits, and he said sure.

Again, not sure if this helps Michigan any or hurts it. Batch did play for the Lions at one point in his career, so hopefully he still has some fond memories of his time in SE Michigan.

The Illegitimate Offspring Pontification Machine

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 22:45:00 +0000

I am pleased to introduce you all to an exciting new feature, created exclusively for The Effrontery: the "Illegitimate Offspring Pontification Machine" (or I.O.P.M.).

I devised the I.O.P.M. to solve the always troubling riddle of what would happen if "person-X" showed up at "person-Y's" home with a handful of Rohypnol and a 4-pack of wine coolers [ed. note: if wine coolers are unavailable because Jim Tressel already cleaned out the local 7-Eleven, a bottle of Boone's Farm would be totally acceptable].

Anyway, this groundbreaking new gadget works a lot like its popular culture forebearers, "If They Mated" and "Separated At Birth," only the I.O.P.M. seeks to go further. That is, it does not generate a photoshopped composite of two images nor does it simply compare two individuals who happen to look alike. Rather, the I.O.P.M. will scan the images of two unique individuals and instantaneously produce the actual photograph of their illegitimate offspring! Pretty snazzy, I know. What's more, this stunning new technology is not yet available to the public, but it can be accessed at The Effrontery right now at no additional (or initial) charge.

Today I present Bo Pelini, former LSU Defensive Coordinator and new Head Football Coach at The University of Nebraska, and his mate, 1950's uber-relic and creepy slice of Americana, Howdy Doody:

[I.O.P.M.: Pelini, Bo + Doody, Howdy]

After unleashing a thunderous vibration, the I.O.P.M. produced this %100-accurate* snapshot of their actual illegitimate child:

[Hartline, Brian]

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Brian Hartline, sophomore wide receiver and all-around douchebucket from Ohio State University [ed. note: there will be none of this "The" Ohio State University garbage at The Effrontery].

I'd submit another group of images, but in its current state of developmental infancy the I.O.P.M. can only handle so much in a given day. Fear not, gentle reader, and keep an eye out for more I.O.P.M. revelations coming in the near future.

*(MOE: +/- %100)

The Manning Pedigree

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 17:35:00 +0000

If you repeat something enough, no matter how wacky or illogical, people will start to believe it.

Oh, what a cute baby you have! It's just gorgeous. Even with that huge mole and deformed grin, your baby is the cutest I've ever seen.

Say that 100 times to a couple that just had a painfully ugly baby, even if they know the child is hideous, and they might actually come to believe you. Okay, you'll have to leave out the 'mole' and 'grin' part, but still. No basis, reasoning or justification necessary. Just sheer repetition.

The SEC is by far the best conference in college football.

Yes, we've all seen how repetition can turn myth into verity quite quickly. Sound rationale need not apply. Which brings me to this idea:

Eli Manning has the NFL pedigree.

Really? How so? Because his brother is an overrated pro and his daddy used to be? Hmmmm. He's been in the league 4+ years and is still total garbage--even in victory, like this past weekend in Tampa Bay. His father, Elisha Archie Manning, was a fan-favorite and pretty good football player in his heyday, but played on a shit team and accomplished very little as a pro [ed. note: I had no idea his name is actually "Elisha." That makes things ten times better]. Enter Peyton Manning, who until last season was the personification of a "yeah, but" quarterback. That is, "yeah he puts up big numbers and acts really intense with all those gyrations and exaggerated mannerisms, BUT he's not a real winner." Then he lucks his way into the Super Bowl and all is forgotten. Now everyone loves to refer to the "Manning Pedigree" as a recipe for success, like some sort of self fulfilling prophecy, never mind the previous decade of spectacular failure, "idiot kicker" buck-passing, and "The Peyton Manning Face."

[The many faces of Peyton Manning]

You all know how I feel about Sir Horse Face, so I'll spare you the diatribe. You also know that I could give a shit about Eli Manning, so this isn't so much about him as it is the idea of the "Manning Pedigree." I was driving to work today, listening to morning sports radio as I normally do, and all the pundits could talk about was Peyton Manning this and Eli Manning that. All the while, the only given evidence or justification for their ballwashing was some convoluted notion of pedigree.

[Yes, yes you are]

Seriously, what the hell does it really mean? The "Manning Pedigree" and a quarter will buy a tenth of a cup of coffee, but it somehow managed to elevate little Eli to first-overall draft pick status while also explaining away the first nine years of Peyton's pro career--plus the four years at Tennessee when the vaunted QB couldn't beat Florida and never won a MNC [ed note: I love the fact that Tee Martin came in the year after his departure and won a title with the Vols. That simply doesn't get mentioned enough]. Anyway, it's very clear that pure repetition of this conception of pedigree is to blame. I, for one, refuse to sip the Kool-Aid and will attempt to wean you, gentle reader, off of it. So when you're watching the NFL playoffs this weekend, I invite you to conjure the following image EVERY SINGLE TIME the term "Manning Pedigree" is mentioned:

[The breakfast of champions...and the Manning Family]

For our readers out there in Deutschland, this might be more helpful:

[Das Frühstück der Meister...und der Manning Familie]

Finally, my NFL picks for the weekend (home teams in caps):

VS. THE SPREAD
Seattle (+7.5) over GREEN BAY
Jacksonville (+12.5) over NEW ENGLAND
San Diego (+9) over INDIANAPOLIS
DALLAS (-7.5) over New York

PREDICTIONS
GREEN BAY 24, Seattle 20
NEW ENGLAND 27, Jacksonville 17
San Diego 34, INDIANAPOLIS 31
DALLAS 23, New York 13

(photos courtesy of Getty Images and The Boston Globe)

Quick Hits

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 01:10:00 +0000

I'm all over the place today, so a few quick hits...

The Mallett. Possibly transferring? No. Definitely transferring:

Ryan Mallett's father said Wednesday the quarterback has left the Michigan football program...

The former Texas Class 4A offensive player of the year may end up at Tennessee, which is considering hiring former Michigan offensive coordinator Mike DeBord and quarterbacks coach Scot Loeffler.

Here's daddy on his son's decision:

"If they’re hired, that would be a real good possibility," Jim Mallett said. "Ryan really clicked with both coach DeBord and coach Loeffler during the last couple months of the season and during bowl practices, I’ve never seen Ryan throw the ball or read defenses as well as he did."

Soooo, you’re on record as saying he sucks? I mean, if this is the best his father has ever seen him play and practice, Mallett must have been super-awful his whole life--instead of just quasi-awful. He was horrendous this season, true freshman or not, and is a bona fide head case that the program can't afford to deal with in a transition year. Good riddance.

A2 staying in A2? Not so much:

"Today is a very emotional day for me," Adrian Arrington said in a statement released by the school. "As much as I will miss my teammates, friends and Michigan football family, I have always dreamed about playing in the NFL.

"I believe that I am ready to take on this challenge and move on to the next level. Though I will be catching passes in another city starting next fall, I will always be a Michigan man."

Sigh. No surprise there, but still. I'm saying AA will be a solid pro, and if he slips a bit in the draft and lands somewhere decent-to-good, he'll be a star.

Jay Bilas, deluded pederast. I'd ordinarily leave it at that, but Jim Carty does a fine job of breaking things down for you:

You can't take his criticisms seriously without wondering whether he truly believes what he's saying or just wants to hurt the school that hurt his friend.

Given that, it's probably time for someone at ESPN to suggest to Bilas that--after calling for athletic director Bill Martin's firing and now ripping a first-year coach who's in the midst of a rebuilding job--it's time to leave the Wolverines alone for a while.

And time for Michigan fans to turn somewhere else for serious analysis of their basketball program.

After defusing Bilas' misguided claims, Carty posted a follow-up from a local coach connected to both Tommy Amaker and John Beilein, which speaks to said pederast's bias:

I spent many days at Tommy Amaker practices and attended almost all of Beilein's practices this year before my season began. In my opinion, Michigan has gone from the West Michigan White Caps to the Detroit Tigers in terms of level of coaching. There simply is no comparison between these two gentlemen. Beilein will get it done at Michigan--when he has Big Ten players.

Hey, Jay? Why don't you and Ryan Mallett hop on a flight to Beantown and start fondling Tommy Amaker's balls [ed. note: no pun intended]. ASAP.

For further reading, I recommend this take from Brian at MGoBlog [ed. note: the relevant part comes midway through the post].

BCS Schadenfreude, revisited. The Columbus Dispatch has wonderful news for Rich Rodriguez and Co.:

Depending on how many juniors declare for the NFL draft, Ohio State could make a run at a third straight appearance in the national title game.

"A little bit of it will be determined by who ends up (leaving early)," Tressel said. "I'm guessing (defensive end) Vernon Gholston for sure, because being a fourth-year guy I don't know how much more he can enhance himself draft-wise...and I'm guessing maybe (linebacker James) Laurinaitis."

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

Mom. So, I made the mistake of allowing my mother to read The Effrontery. Yeah. As a result, I'm starting to get e-mails like this one from Sunday:

Buon giorno, Chill,
Don't be an Eli-hater! He may not be there on 2/3/08, but he rocked today. (Flashes of his big-bro, but, yes, everyone already knows you are a Peyton-hater!) What happened to John Grudin [sic] this morning??? Is he still recovering from New Year's Eve?????? He seemed a bit comatose today.
xoxox

Whoa. Just whoa. I'm quite amused and a bit appalled all at once. So, I might as well respond, right? Without getting into the whole argument, yes, I'm a total Peyton-hater. And hate is indeed the correct word. To quote the famous Right Guard deodorant commercial, "Anything less would be uncivilized." Eli? Meh. I'm completely indifferent; to call me an Eli-hater would imply some level of interest--like, the way I am interested in seeing Peyton fail at every possible opportunity. The only thing I haven't figured out yet is whether or not I dislike PM more than Tony "Two-face" Dungy, the bigoted, intolerant charlatan who preaches goodwill towards man while openly condemning anyone who does not adhere to the tenets of his religious fundamentalism. Wait, I think we just figured out the answer. Still doesn't change the fact that my mom roots for the Colts when she could easily be cheering for a more noble cause. Like Tom Brady and the Pats.

As to being addressed as "Chill," well, it's better than "assface."

J Leman: Chuck Norris' worst nightmare. I linked to a superb post from Black Heart, Gold Pants about the extracurricular pursuits of one J Leman, All-American Hero. You can find it in the "This Just In..." section, but here's a teaser:

Leman's favorite infomercials are those hawking exercise products and kitchen gadgets, particularly the "Magic Bullet."

"It's the personal countertop magician," Leman said. "It can do anything in 10 seconds or less. It does it all."

J Leman is great.