What an amazing ride the last 12 years have been! There are now thousands of psychologists around the world researching happiness and probably thousands incorporating aspects of positive psychology into their practices.

I am thrilled about this and pleased to announce to you that my original insights about what we need as human beings to flourish, have now been documented by science!

Science has confirmed that our brains function better and we feel happier when we do the following: (This is but a partial list)

1. Take care of our health.

2. Laugh a lot.

3. Spend good times with our friends and loved ones.

4. Exercise.

5. Give and do for others.

6. Do what we like best to do.

7. Pray.

8. Thank others, including the Great Divine.

9. Smile.

10. Marry (assuming it is a good match)

11. Earn enough money to be comfortable.

12. Keep busy with purpose.

You may ask, did we really need all the research? Maybe yes, for one simple reason: we tend to find it hard to give ourselves permission to be happy. Being happy often seems like a luxury, rather than a necessity. If this research helps us give ourselves permission and the time and effort it takes to be happy, than it is literally a lifesaver!

May you enjoy your lifesaver. What is your favorite flavor from the list above? Start with your favorite item in the list and work on it. Let me know how it goes!

“May you feel as though you can walk on water, even when you are simply walking along the shore!”

“After you struggle uphill may you always slide downhill laughing, full of life and giddy with delight.”

“Everytime you set out to ‘cook’ in life, may the results always come out Sunny Side up!”

“Be well, prospher and always remember that lots of people like you no matter what!”

For example, I’ll never forget the strength of emotion behind the voice of my client as she talked about her husband who would squelch every good idea she brought up by saying, “And that and five cents will get you a cup of coffee.”

To do this project I developed a structure interview, which I administered to 18 non-client women, ranging in age from 35 to 75. I took extensive notes during each interview as well as audio taping each survey participant. All of them were white, middle to upper middle class; Christian or Jewish. Several had psychotherapy; most had not.

This was case study data done by myself at my own expense to give me a broader sense of women’s development. I did not attempt to have a statistically random group of women but, rather, worked in a reality situation where friends recommended other friends who might participate in the structured interview.

My interview questions were geared toward gaining insight into how the messages girls received in childhood about the role they were to play in society influenced their adult development. I was also interested if a woman was, or had been, married, whether she had experienced criticism in the marriage relationship and how this experience influenced the way she felt about herself. I had initially included a question geared to asking the women when she felt most whole in adulthood. However, as I interviewed the women and became increasingly aware of the enhanced reports they were giving me of good times and feelings, new questions emerged. My structured interview evolved to include other questions such as when the woman felt most whole, most centered, in girlhood. The major questions were:

1. What messages did you absorb in girlhood about the role you were to play in society as a grown up woman some day?

2. What were some of the unspoken, perhaps secret, but understood messages you absorbed in girlhood about women? How did these messages affect your girlhood?

3. Talk about your family life as you remember it from girlhood. How did the family operate emotionally? What were some of the family rules, messages, and what part did each member play?

4. What were some of the times in your girlhood when you felt most centered, when you felt a childhood sense of wholeness, well being? Tell me about some of these memories.

5. Can you reflect on times in your womanhood when you have felt most whole, flowing, integrated, alive – when you know that you are following your own inner sense of well being?

6. Can you link in any way any of your adult times of enhanced self with earlier moments when you felt whole, centered, in a special flow? …

It was gratifying and exhilarating to discover that without focused production time and without any public recognition – both essential values in the American concept of “success” these ordinary women had found so many ways to have an enhanced adult life experience. These ways were often secret, at least in the sense that these women did not typically think of talking about their heightened moments or creating artistic forms around them. These women were too tired, too busy, too preoccupied, and too worried about a multitude of tasks. However, some by conscious decisions, others by what seemed to be unconscious process, had permitted their enhanced selfhoods to emerge whenever it was reasonably possible to do so, without jeopardizing the other tasks they considered essential, such as mothering, providing an income, being a wife, etc.

This unexpected finding surprised me. Yet, I found myself captivated by the theme of personal capacities for well-being and pleasure. In fact, I was more captivated than by the original thrust of my investigation.

As a therapist, I was developing a new hypothesis: many of our clients may, in spite of the destructiveness of the cultural environment, have experienced times of adult enhancement – moments and/or periods of time when there is a return to some sense of self-worth, a feeling of joy, a sense of bliss. This is a special place within one’s self that each person can recognize, although it is easily overlooked. I began to call this place “The Enchanted Self.” Later, as I used the term in writings and in teaching and in the treatment room, I was told how appreciative women often were that I had given a name to this special place within ourselves that is so often ignored, dismissed and/or devalued.

Further definition emerged. The Enchanted Self is a unique reservoir of wellness that resides in each human being. It is specific to that person’s memory bank and unique experiences. Once tapped into, we experience a state of well being that may include positive feelings, thoughts, sensations, both cognitive and in the body. The woman may become aware of a sense of integrity and self-integration. Some times we experience this place while alone – other times while in connective experiences. This place permits a profound sense of feeling centered and whole. When we are there we recognize it I remain convinced that girlhood messages are profoundly important in terms of adult female development, at times in clearly dysfunctional ways….

I’ll continue this article at a later date. Bringing the material in this article up to the present moment, you can see why I am so adamant about helping girls grow up strong and sure of themselves. The Truth Series and now the second book in the series: SECRETS: You tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine… maybe, is my way of addressing some of the dysfunctional messages we all absorb in one way or another growing up. Girls can not always free themselves of the dysfunction that may create damaging messages in their lives. But they can be taught to recognize how special they are and given ways to hold on to the best of themselves. That is what I am busy doing, via fiction, in The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) and now SECRETS. I can’t wait for you to read and share SECRETS: You tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine…maybe! I’ll be looking forward to hearing from you. Write to me at drbarbara@enchantedself.com .

How am I feeling as the author? I’m feeling very excited. All the kids and grown-ups who has previewed SECRETS have loved it. I can’t wait for more feedback and for people to tell me what discussions, thoughts and feelings have been generated by reading SECRETS. I hope I hear from people of all ages, guys, grandma’s, guidance counselors, teachers and dad’s. The ‘girl’ is 13 in the book. A mature 10 year old could definately relate. So could a 15 year old who will get a kick out of looking back to where she has already been in many ways. Grown-ups will see themselves also. Hopefully moms and dads will see great discussion material, augmented by the questions in the back of the book.

The girl writes songs and poems in SECRETS. I have left some blank pages in the back for kids to keep notes and even become creative, writing their songs and poems down.

I’d like to share with you to a happiness process I developed from many years of observation, case studies, and happiness research.

In my happiness research I found that women are happy at least part of the time, but often dismiss their good feelings as just a blip on the ‘radar screen of life’. They also frequently lose their “good mood” as soon as someone criticizes or puts them down.

I began to realize that becoming, and staying happy requires a habit that can practiced and improved upon, and I developed a model called “The Enchanted Self” that shows how we can improve our happiness using something I call “Recipes for Enchantment.”

def. The Enchanted Self – the capacity to initiate positive states of being unique to our disposition and talents.

def. Recipes for Enchantment – the ways we’ve found to create happiness for ourselves that are unique to us.

The Enchanted Self is something you control, and you do it using “Recipes for Enchantment” that are unique to you.

Although there are many “Recipes for Enchantment” that most of us have in common, it’s important to remember that you are unique, and what makes you happy isn’t necessarily going to be the same as for the other people in your life. YOU are the “secret ingredient” in the recipe for creating your own happiness. As such, you must discover the unique things that enhance your happiness.

Here’s a “recipe” for discovering some of the unique things that make you happy…

Exercise: Recipe for Personal Pleasure

Give yourself a quiet space, a pad of paper and a pen, and permission to daydream. The world is your oyster. Plan out a day that is designed to make you happy.

– What would that day be like and what would you do?

– Where would you go?

– Who would be with you, if anyone?

– What would you see?

– How would you feel?

– What would you eat that day?

– What are some of the aromas that would please you that day?

– What would be the highlight of the day?

– How would you feel at the end of the day?

– Now you’re looking back on that day.

– What would you be most pleased about?

– What are some of the ingredients you would need to make this day come true?

– What could be three steps YOU need to take to get closer to experiencing a pleasing time right now? [Remember YOU are the main ingredient. ]

This led to research that I conducted on women who were not in my practice. The research is discussed in my first book, THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy. To summarize, the research validated that women are easily discouraged about themselves, yet do maintain a secret or special sense of wholeness somewhere inside of themselves. This special sense of feeling good about oneself, or elated, or whole, or ‘happy’ at times, aware of positive states of being, is alive in just about every woman. However, it is often dismissed by society and by us women ourselves. Thus, we deny ourselves unintentionally the unique sense of pleasure, happiness, success that each of us is entitled to. You see I use many terms to describe this place of ‘happiness’ as it is so different for each woman!

I decided to honor this place and its uniqueness by calling it THE ENCHANTED SELF(R). We each have that part of ourselves and it is wonderful. We owe it to ourselves to label it, run with it, nurture it, love it, and help it bloom.

All of the above led to me declaring myself a positive psychologist a couple of years before the actual term became popular. To my knowledge I am the first woman to write a book in the field of positive psychology for women and for their therapists. That book is THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy mentioned above. I hope you will read it and get in touch with me as you read it. You will see that there are exercises at the end of each chapter, so you can take the adventure yourself of defining and developing your Enchanted Self!

I suggest you enter the Seven Gateways of Happiness that go with The Enchanted Self and find the tools waiting for you at each Gateway. Let’s look at the first Gateway:

First Gateway: Honoring what is Right about Ourselves Rather Than What is Wrong

As women, we’re all experts in identifying what is wrong with ourselves. We can probably quickly make up a long list, detailing what is wrong in our lives. However, it’s a lot harder to get in touch with what is right. We need to know ourselves in positive ways. We need to learn how to honor our talents, strengths, even our coping skills which serve us so well. And most important, we need to treasure and enjoy our potential.

These parts of us, if not honored, identified and talked about both to ourselves and to others, will lose their power. We have to keep igniting them. We need to get to know ourselves in ways that emphasize the heroic, strong parts of ourselves. This means using our memories in very different ways from what we’ve been accustomed to. It means searching through our history to find our talents, strengths and even lost potential, even if we have to sort through pounds of dysfunction. It means searching our past for what is right about ourselves, not for what is wrong. Each of us is capable of doing the above. For a starter, take a sheet of paper and list some of your talents, strengths and potential from several different times in your life. Look for realistic items, not ones that would get you into the Olympics. For example, let’s say you pick the seventh grade to look at. Maybe you were good at making friends, a B student and had the potential to be a good pianist if you had a chance. These are realistic talents, strengths and potential.

See what you’ll do with your list in PART TWO of ENCHANTED SELF PART OF OURSELVES THE ENCHANTED SELF PART OF OURSELVES-FIND IT!

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One of my first self-discoveries was recognizing my lost capacities for engaging with people without being paid. As I interviewed the women I realized how much fun I was having, how I felt on equal footing and yet privileged to be hearing their stories, how “female” I felt and how connected. I loved this wonderful opportunity to have time with women that was not social time and yet not work time, either. I began to realize how hungry I had been for this kind of “at ease time” with women. My childhood had pushed me away from such time with women. After all, I had to get out, to get going, to be competent and, often, competitive, not connected.

The second layer was feeling profoundly more connected to women, all women, than I had ever felt before. I found myself suddenly able to ally myself with and have compassion for many women, an ability which had eluded me prior to these interviews. Family members, friends, my mother, all took a softer hue.

As therapists, we can certainly wonder why this hadn’t happened as a result of my training and my time in therapy. After all, I had been exposed to hundreds and hundreds of intimate stories over 15 years. My hunch is that while in the treatment room, I, like any paid healing professional, saw myself, to some extent, as being in the authority position. This may have reinforced some natural biases that I carried with me from my childhood. I think I continue to withhold some deep level of empathy, still seem myself as being apart. When interviewing the women, however, I was automatically their equal, and that placed me differently. Having the privilege of listening to the 18 women, began to listen to other women’s voices with less bias and value judgments. For example, I had always valued certain capacities, such as pragmatic decision-making and the capacity to carry through once a decision had been made. This is a capacity which can be restricted for women. After this glimpse into the girlhood dreams and shattered hopes of many of the women interviewed – the compromises made with life and the painful, yet successful ways of salvaging one’s soul after many lost opportunities – I was able to cross a barrier and join them at some level of womenhood – removing my old iron bars, my negativity and judgments. Buy the Enchanted Self from Amazon.

This is an amazing trip back in time for me. I was about 18 years younger! A lifetime. Since that time the issues I actually dealt with seem remote. I would no longer call them my issues.

Yet, the struggle of staying connected to one’s Enchanted Self rather than selling out to other people’s roadmap’s for your life, your decisions, even your feelings, remains constant. That issue of a successful merger of your own mind, body and soul, rather than a compromise merger, always remains.

Now my dance is a different dance. We all have different dances at each stage of life. The music shifts and the background stage changes but the beat does go on. The ‘beat’ is the reclaiming process of our ENCHANTED SELVES. Listen for that beat, which will show up as feelings in your gut or elsewhere in your body or spirit. Listen for these signals. Hopefully they will tell you are on target for yourself and your needs. But sometimes they will signal you that you are not. Take note and if necessary, sit down, process, get to know yourself again. You may be able to do this by yourself or you may need a buddy, a best friend, or a therapist. Do what you need. Realize you are saving yourself for your life and your future journeys. What could be more precious?