Here’s the deal. You’ve shelled out money to this awesome legal gambling site for over two months now, and you have nothing to show for it. Here’s your chance. Week 17 of the NFL season may be meaningless to your buddy league, or your work league, or any number of those free leagues you signed up for just to feel like a winner. But it means big money opportunities at Fanduel, God’s gift to gambling junkies.

I’m going to take The Real KC’s approach here and pretend I have $50. Let’s say some kindly old aunt gave it to me for Christmas because she was too lazy to go out and buy me a gift when she got my name in the family drawing. Whatever. Here’s how I’d spend it at Fanduel:

Two entries in the $25 NFL Bomb. With a grand prize of 3k I’m spending auntie mildred’s money very carefully here, but then again, I’m taking big chances to outsmart my competition. The Bomb has a max of 667 entries and is, as of this writing, about 1/4th full. Here’s who I pick:

Salary cap $60k

Word is Tom Brady has a slight shoulder problem, but I don't believe that sh!t for a minute.

QB-Tom Brady vs. BUF ($9800): Brady and Cam Newton are tied for the highest cap numbers for a QB this week. Brady will be worth every penny, fighting for a #1 overall seed in the AFC playoffs and a passing title vs. a very suspect Bills pass defense. But keep in mind, everybody will be thinking this. I still do it because I want those points. Tricksier picks forthcoming.

RB-C.J. Spiller @ NWE ($6900): Spiller’s been a top-3 RB over the past two weeks putting up monster PPR numbers to go along with three total TDs. The Bomb counts receptions for 1/2 a point. Sold. Spiller should not be this cheap vs. a very soft Patriots defense.

RB-Felix Jones @ NYG ($6300): Jones looks like he’ll play this Sunday, and is coming off of two straight 100 yard games since taking over for the injured DeMarco Murray (not counting his early exit last week). This is a must win for the ‘Boys, so he’s guaranteed minutes.

WR-Hakeem Nicks vs. DAL ($7600): For the same reason I’m starting Jones, I’m starting Nicks. In a must-win with shootout potential, I know I’ll get valuable minutes from the Giants most consistent receiver. The icing is that many will be scared off by Nicks’s re-injured hammy. Don’t be. He’ll play.

WR-Steve Johnson @ NWE ($6700): Speaking of consistent…Johnson gets a terrible Patriots pass D, and the Bills would love to play spoiler.

WR-Nate Burleson @ GNB ($6000): One of my favorites for this game because he’s always undervalued, Burleson gets a bad Packers’ pass D that probably won’t be trying. The Lions, however, will be, as they need a win to lock up a #5 seed.

TE-Jermaine Gresham @ CIN ($5400): Eh, the Bengals need a win and you need a cheap, healthy TE who’s sure to play.

PK-Nick Novak @ OAK ($5100): I always just pick a cheap, healthy kicker.

DEF-Atlanta vs. TAM ($5300): Again, we go undervalued here. ATL has a tasty matchup at home vs. a terrible team, in a game they’ll be motivated to win. Now if the Lions win, thus knocking Atlanta out of contention for the #5 spot, all bets are off. But chances are the defense comes to play regardless after last week’s embarrassing affair vs. Drew Brees.

That’s a pretty conventional team with some safe bets. But here, with my other hypothetical $25, I’m taking a riskier approach.

QB-Matthew Stafford @ GNB ($9100): For $700 less than Brady I get a highly productive, motivated-to-win QB against a bad pass D that probably doesn’t care. Cha-friggin-ching.

There's lots to like about Matthew Stafford, including the excuse he gives me to post pictures of hot, scantily-clad girls.

RB-Kendall Hunter @ STL ($5000): Here’s where we get sneaky. Hunter busted out for a season high 12 carries and a season high 73 rushing yards last week. This week, as the weekly-injured Frank Gore likely sits for over half the game, Hunter could go wild against a terrible Rams run D. At $5000 there’s no better bang for your buck.

RB-Kahlil Bell @ MIN ($5300): Since taking over the featured job in Chi-town, Bell has averaged about 20 PPR fppg (over two full starts) and gets a less-than-adequate and banged up Minny team this week. This will serve as Bell’s final audition for a starting job, provided the Bears elect not to pay the IR’d Matt Forte this off-season. Bell has NFL size, and three good games to end the year may get him paid.

WR-Calvin Johnson @ GNB ($8500): See Matt Stafford. Megatron has 316 yards and three TDs over his last three games! Last time he saw Green Bay, when they were trying, he got them for 49 and a score. He’s worth it.

WR-Victor Cruz vs. DAL ($7500): Go big or go home. Grabbing two cheap RBs allowed me to stack this team with very talented WRs, including the Giants best deep play threat in a game that matters.

WR-Wes Welker vs. BUF ($8200): Same deal. I literally have the three most expensive WRs who are playing for sure meaningful games, thanks to my frugality at RB.

TE-Brandon Pettigrew @ GNB ($5600): Even a good play here, Pettigrew is coming off a monster game, and could be in for another vs. the hapless and potentially apathetic Packers this week 17.

PK-Mike Nugent vs. BAL ($5100): Whatever.

DEF-San Francisco @ STL ($5300): This could be a risky play, as several ‘Niners could sit. No matter. The Rams, and possibly Kellen Clemens again, have too much potential to stink it up for me to pass on their opposing defense.

I know what you’re thinking: There’s an NBA season? And people are going to watch it? And people play fantasy basketball? Or maybe you’re just thinking: Great, I already auto-picked my team last week, and we’re good without your craptacular advice…you can save it you damn deadbeat.

Either way, you get what you pay for, which is increasingly, well, nothing.

Draft Day Pointers

1. Don’t get wrapped up in “multi-cat” guys over true stars: Look, I know multi-cat guys are great to have. I love the idea of a “utility knife” type of player. But if you’re drafting Gerald Wallace ahead of Steve Nash, Chris Bosh or Rajon Rondo (and they’re all ranked behind Wallace in Yahoo’s pre-season list) you need your head examined.

2. Screw that stupid philosophy about avoiding guys who can kill you in one cat: For years Yahoo! has underrated Dwight Howard because of his horrible free throw shooting. Screw that. He’s the most dominant big man i the game. You want him on your fantasy team. Same for Rondo. Screw that. He’s the best passer, statistically and maybe actually, in the league. You want him on your fantasy team. Maybe you pair them both up and just concede that your team is going to suck at the FT% cat, but be unstoppable in rebounds and assists. I think I’m cool with that.

3. There was just a lockout, people…some of these guys are going to be fat and suck: Seriously. Especially guys who just got paid…*cough…ZACH RANDOLPH…cough*…

4. Don’t assume that a change of scenery automatically makes a guy more valuable: David West is STILL coming off of a knee surgery. Tyson Chandler is STILL incapable of offensive stats. Lamar Odom is still married to the ugly Kardashian. Not much has changed in those, and many other cases.

Top Tens

Point Guards

1. Chris Paul, LAC: More proof that a change of scenery doesn’t matter: CP3 should be just as dominant as ever in a Clippers’ uni.

2. Rajon Rondo, BOS: 11/11 with 2+ steals and near 50% FG shooting last year. I’ll take Rondo’s horrid FT/3PT numbers any day for those stats.

3. Steve Nash, PHO: 15/11 and a member of the 50/40/90 club last year. No clue why people are scared off by his age and terrible team. He’ll be just fine.

4. Deron Williams, NJN: Scoring went down for Jersey, but apg skyrocketed and TOs stayed about the same. You’ll just have to hope awful shooting as a Net was an abberation.

5. Russell Westbrook, OKC: League’s best rebounding PG gets you relevance in five cats. Luckily though,”shot selection” isn’t a cat we keep track of in fantasy basketball…

6. Derrick Rose, CHI: Probably never going to be a double-double guy, but the sky’s the limit for the reigning MVP; he’s gotten better in each of his three seasons.

7. John Wall, WAS: 16/5/8/2 (steals) is a pretty sick line for a rookie. If Wall can cut the TOs and up the FG% he’s headed for top-3 status sooner rather than later.

8. Monta Ellis, GSW: Still PG-eligible, Ellis will give you big points, decent assist numbers, and solid percentages. He’s got to beat a sexual harassment rap at some point, which may distract him.

9. Stephen Curry, GSW: Curry, the other tweener, PG-eligible Warrior, is not as good as everyone thinks he is. And he just re-injured his surgically-repaired ankle.

10. Jrue Holiday, PHI: A long-armmed freak like his former college teammate, Westbrook, Holiday showed marked improvement last season, his second year in the league.

Shooting Guards

1. Dwyane Wade, MIA: Seems perennially-injured, but 76 or more in three straight seasons is encouraging. Plus he does literally everything well, except shoot threes.

2. Kobe Bryant, LAL: Yoko split, so now Ko-BOT can get to work. If there’s one thing you know about the Mamba, it’s that he goes to work (80+ gps in four of the last six seasons). If there’s another thing it’s that he can score (7 straight 25 ppg seasons and counting).

3. Eric Gordon, NOR: EJ should put up fantastic numbers as option 1A in NOR. Not sure if his body can take it (yet to play a full year as a pro).

4. Andre Iguodala, PHI: Iggy does it all but score in bunches. But the utility numbers make up for it.

5. Joe Johnson, ATL: Speaking of scoring, JJ fell off last year following his payday. He shot his worst from beyond the arc since his rookie season.

6. Kevin Martin, HOU: If Martin can stomach almost being traded for Pau Gasol he can provide you with good scoring and decent percentages.

7. Tyreke Evans, SAC: You’re going to have to deal with a bad assist:TO line, and a lingering foot injury, but Evans has the ability and opportunity for a bounce-back year, and he’s got PG-eligibility.

8. Paul George, IND: Totally not joking. Totally am a homer. PG could averaged the coveted 2 blocks/2 steals per game if he continues to get starter’s minutes as he did near the end of last season. He averaged 1.4/2.0 in the playoffs.

9. Marcus Thornton, SAC: If anyone really thinks John Salmons is going to start they haven’t seen newly re-signed Thornton in action this pre-season, and apparently weren’t watching after the Kings acquired him last season and he put up 21+ ppg, 2 3PTMpg and 2 spg.

10. Ray Allen, BOS: Great, if you understand what you’re getting…that’s 3PTM and impeccable percentages across the board.

Small Forwards

1. LeBron James, MIA: Still the King in my book. If you draft Kevin Durant over him your league must penalize for bad three point shooting.

2. Kevin Durant, OKC: Durant’s nickname in fantasy should be “the next best thing.” But he’s a helluva consolation prize if you don’t land LBJ, who kicks his ass in quite a few more cats.

3. Carmelo Anthony, NYK: Anthony hasn’t had to try for most of his career and is still one of the best offensive players of his generation. Prime candidate to be out of shape, but it shouldn’t matter. If his rebounding numbers stay where they were last year, and he regains his NYK three point shooting percentage…watch out.

4. Rudy Gay, MEM: Won’t wow you with scoring, but Gay was surprisingly good across the board last season, showing no real weaknesses except for apg, which at 2.8 were still above average for a wing player.

5. Gerald Wallace, POR: 71 games played is a coup for the do-it-all Wallace. They don’t call him “crash” for nothing.

6. Paul Pierce, BOS: Like his teammate, Allen, you’re paying for offensive numbers, including percentages.

7. Danny Granger, IND: New additions, maturation of Paul George may cut into Granger’s shot attempts. But he can still heat up quickly and knock down threes.

8. Dorell Wright, GSW: Could stand to shoot a little better, but that’s about if for Wright, who won’t blow you away or greatly disappoint you.

9. Luol Deng, CHI: Being the fourth wheel in a “Big Three” ain’t easy. But Deng (not fellow Duke alum Carlos Boozer) was quietly the Bulls’ third-best fantasy option last year.

10. Danilo Gallinari, DEN: Don’t sleep on Gallinari. With Wilson Chandler still in China, Gallinari will have a chance to shine as the Nuggets’ go-to scorer.

Power Forwards

1. Kevin Love, MIN: There’s nothing to dislike about Love’s game from a fantasy perspective. He’s basically an exaggerated version of 2008-09 Troy Murphy, who probably finished in the top 5 for PFs that season.

2. Dirk Nowitzki, DAL: What to expect from Dirk following the title? How about another 23/7? He’s done that for seven straight seasons. The percentages are great too.

3. Al Horford, ATL: Horford’s improved every year, and can do all the things a big guy should be able to do, fantasy-wise.

4. Amar’e Stoudemire, NYK: Injuries and incredibly-stupid Tweets will always be an issue for Amar’e. But he’s missed just four games over the last two years and there’s no “idiot penalty” in fantasy basketball (even though there should be).

5. Josh Smith, ATL: Smith really seemed to improve his free throw shooting, which combined with his defensive numbers helped vault him into the top-5 for PFs by the end of the year.

6. LaMarcus Aldridge, POR: Aldridge had a career-year last season, averaging 22/9 with a steal and a block on good percentages. But he’s coming off of a heart procedure, and that sucks, even if his minutes won’t be restricted.

7. Pau Gasol, LAL: Short of chemistry problems, Gasol should be back to his ultra-consistent ways this year.

8. Zach Randolph, MEM: Randolph is number 1 on my fat guy radar, and his gun/drug cartel enthusiasm worries me. I joke. But seriously, can he repeat last year’s monster contract season? I doubt it.

9. Blake Griffin, LAC: Still a lot to work on for the youngster, but double-doubles should be fun and easy with the help of new addition Chris Paul.

10. Tim Duncan, SAS: The Big Fundamental was off last year; he definitely showed signs of aging as he averaged career lows in points and rebounds per game. Still, where he’s being drafted, I’ll take the 14/9 and two blocks on 50% shooting.

Centers

1. Dwight Howard, ORL: Ignore the free throw numbers and realize the sheer magnitude of Howard’s dominance. He’s a 5-cat wonder who will single-handedly hold down your blocks, FG% and rebounding slots.

2. Al Jefferson, UTA: Big Al quietly had a great year last season, and the talk is he’s put in work this off-season to improve this year.

3. Serge Ibaka, OKC: Actually more effective as a PF, Ibaka averaged over 3 bpg in 33 contests at the four last year…still center eligible though.

4. Joakim Noah, CHI: I hate him. You hate him. Any coach trying to teach little kids how to shoot free throws hates him. But his defensive lines are nice, I’ll admit.

5. Chris Bosh, MIA: Bosh finally agreed to play center, but he’ll still likely stand around and shoot jumpers. That’s okay. I’ll take his 19/8/50%/81% at my center spot.

6. Marcin Gortat, PHO: One of the NBA’s most dominant centers in limited action last year: Gortat averaged 14/11 on 56% shooting in 13 starts at center.

7. JaVale McGee, WAS: McGee is often unjustly hyped up. That doesn’t mean I don’t like his blocks (2.4), FG% (55) or his ability to throw down sick dunks off of John Wall lobs.

8. Roy Hibbert, IND: Big Roy has a lot of work to do. But with one coach, hopefully from start to finish, 15/8 isn’t out of the question.

9. Andrew Bynum, LAL: If not for the injuries and the likelihood that he’s now a great big fat person, Bynum would be near the stud category. Near double-double last year and two blocks with 57% shooting.

10. DeAndre Jordan, LAC: I don’t think Jordan revolutionizes his game…but I think Chris Paul just might do it for him.

Go Out and Add ‘Em

This section is for the desperate owner looking for an edge at a position of need. Maybe you’re like Redbraham, who finished 10th out of 12 in points and yet still sneaked into the playoffs. Now all you need is a few adds to cobble together a win before your once-dominant team has to face someone actually good. Maybe you’re a forward-thinking owner, not even playing this week because you’re on bye or your playoffs haven’t yet started. Either way, here’s some adds to consider for this, and the coming weeks, who are somewhat-to-widely available and could give you that much-needed playoff boost.

Ben Tate, RB HOU (69% Yahoo! ownership): While Tate is owned in the majority of leagues, even if you’re not an Arian Foster owner, now’s a great time to snag him if he’s available in yours. While he’s still technically a backup, he gets the easiest, and third-easiest matchups for opposing RBs in weeks 15 and 16, and has put up double digits off the bench twice. As Houston tries to secure a first round bye with their third-string rookie QB, expect heavy doses of Tate and Foster down the stretch. He could be a sneaky play starting next week.

Roy Hely, RB WAS (69%): No reason this guy should be out there, but he is in nearly a third of Yahoo! leagues. Helu’s coming off back-to-back 20 point outings and gets a tasty one vs. the Patriots (10th-easiest for opposing RBs) this week. If you have a roster spot, make the claim right now.

Kevin Smith, RB DET (68%): Smith re-injured his ankle on Sunday night, and that will be an issue for him going forward. But it also might scare some owners off. If you have room, make the add. The Lions get Minnesota, Oakland and San Diego during the fantasy playoffs, all of whom rank in the top half of the RB points allowed list, per the Matchup Tool.

Dexter McCluster, RB/WR KAN (36%): McCluster finally showed his value vs. Chicago, but the matchups going forward aren’t spectacular. Still, you ought to give him a thought, given how widely available he is, especially if you’re suffering from a case of the Matt Forte/Darren McFadden injury blues.

Marion Barber, RB CHI (36%): After Matt Forte suffered his season-threatening injury, Barber became the obvious add. While the once-great TD beast is a mere shadow of his former greatness, it’s hard to bet against him scoring at least a couple times over the next few weeks with starter’s reps. Beware his matchups though, which aren’t great.

Santana Moss, WR WAS (59%): Moss was dropped by many, and for good reason, after suffering his multi-week hand injury. But now he gets New England this week, and Minnesota in two weeks. Don’t forget the old fella started the year with four straight double-digit PPR games prior to the injury, so he could still be a sneaky add.

Lance Moore, WR NOR (67%): Moore has scored double digit PPR points in four of his last five games, and has scored six TDs in his last six games. He’s hit or miss, given the Saints’ ball-spreading tendencies (giggity), but you could probably do worse. New Orleans has scored 106 points over its last four games, so the points are there.

Nate Burleson, WR DET (39%): I’ve literally never seen a WR get called for two straight offensive interferences, let alone three in a game. But aside from that Burleson was as great Sunday night as he always is. He’s gone for double-digits in four straight now and looks like the third option in a very WR-friendly passing offense. With MIN, OAK, SDG and GNB (if you play week 17) he’s a great add from here on out.

Andy Dalton, QB CIN (54%): You don’t really want Dalton, coming off of an injury, against a brutal Houston defense. But you could use him in the following two weeks vs. ARI and STL.

Matt Moore, QB MIA (18%): Moore has quietly become better than you think, and he gets a dream playoff sched, playing Buffalo and New England in weeks 15-16.

SEA DST (20%): Seattle is hit or miss. They’ll give you a solid game, or completely screw you with negative points. Luckily, this week they get the Rams, who are giving up the 2nd-most fps to opposing fantasy defenses. It’s a home game for the ‘Hawks too, and next week they get the Hanie-less/Forte-less Bears.

Get ‘Em in Your Lineup

Here’s an abbreviated start rec list. Do with it what you will.

Ryan Fitzpatrick @ SDG: Fitzpatrick has yet to reach his early season success rates. The Bolts, 7th-worst vs. QBs, could help with that.

Alex Smith @ ARI: The Cards have improved vs. the pass, allowing single-digits to QBs in three of their last five. However those were two games vs. STL and one vs. a banged-up Mike Vick.

Marshawn Lynch vs. SEA: Lynch should really be an automatic start right now. But if you’re like me, there’s a little piece of you that wants to bench him because you honestly believe he’ll give you one of those classic “Lynch games.” You know the ones…where he runs 11 times for four yards and fumbles. Right. Those games. But apparently those games are behind Beast Mode. He’s scored 16.9 fps or more in five straight, has rushed for a TD in eight straight and has 100 or more rushing yards in four of his last five. Oh yeah, this week he gets the league’s fourth-easiest opponent for opposing RBs. Get him in.

C.J. Spiller @ SDG: If you’re noticing a theme that I’m down on San Diego, you’re wrong. It’s not a theme. They just suck. Mo Jo Drew’s  numbers on MNF were his best of the year. No reason Spiller, coming off of a huge game, can’t put up career highs too.

Anquan Boldin vs. IND: A date with Indy is enough to turn anyone’s fantasy season around, and Boldin’s hasn’t been that bad.

BAL DST vs. IND: Speaking of…

Bench Those Suckers

Self explained. Bench the following suckers.

Joe Flacco vs. IND: So what gives? BAL DST and Boldin, why not Flacco. He’s terrible. He gets sacked a lot. Freeney and Mathis should get after him, when he’s not casually handing the ball to Ray Rice, who will easily waltz through gigantic holes.

Beanie Wells vs. SFO: The last time Wells saw the ‘niners he did nothing. Expect another no-show. San Fran ranks among the league’s toughest run Ds, and is the worst matchup for opposing RBs for fantasy.

CIN vs. HOU: Spin your “Yates is a rookie” hate however you want, the Texans are going to run all over Cincy, who just got their asses handed to them by Pittsburgh and provided nothing for fantasy owners.

I’ve added a column showing you the standard deviation for each team’s numbers.  If you don’t know what this is, don’t worry.  Neither do I.  Basically, this gives you an idea how consistent each team is from week to week.  The lower the number the more consistent they are, whether it’s a result of their play, their schedule or some combination of the two.

It’s a couple of hours before kickoff of tonight’s Eagles @ Seahawks game, which figures to kinda suck.  But you can’t say we didn’t publish it in time to help you with your critical “Jason Avant or Doug Baldwin?” question (answer: they both kinda suck, so I hope they aren’t your only options).

* Jesus <3 Tim Tebow. It’s true. There’s no other way to explain it. While I’m reasonably sure John Fox is fine with whatever fundamentally-flawed crazy-ass way Tebow can win games, including convulsive prayer, snake handling and speaking in tongues, how can John Elway find a way to replace him with a real QB between now and April if the Broncos keep winning? If Elway’s head doesn’t a splode soon, I will be shocked (and frankly, disappointed).

No, unfortunately Tim Tebow is not THAT type of snake handler...

* Chris Collinsworth’s Ben Roethlisberger gushing has reached uncontrollable and embarrassing levels. It’s similar to the old Madden-Favre sack-ride fest that used to go on every MNF. I actually like Collinsworth as a broadcaster; I think he notices some of the finite details that Madden was too demented to pick up on toward the end of his broadcasting days. Plus he occasionally goads Al Michaels (a clear degenerate) with gambling scenarios, and that’s hilarious. But all that “Ben” sh!t has to stop. Ben is not great. He’s pretty good. But if you listen to Collinsworth you’d think he’s the second coming. Speaking of second comings, how ’bout that Tebow character? Now he’s a real winner…

* Ndamukong Suh is not only a crazy person, he’s an asshole. I revoke my temporary Lions fan-ship, and according to my list of teams I hate from most to least, I should now naturally become a de facto Vikings supporter. I can’t do that though. So I’m back to hating every team except for Indianapolis. Though next week’s SNF bout between Detroit and New Orleans should be a dandy. I’ll watch with equal parts bitterness, jealousy and unadulterated disdain for both teams.

* The Colts are now very clearly on board the #SuckForLuck bandwagon, whether they want to admit it or not. Two weeks ago they pulled Curtis Painter, their supposed “best option” at QB at the start of a drive that, had it resulted in a TD, would have tied a division game (vs. JAC) at 10-10 in the fourth quarter. That was, by the way, the third straight game they pulled Painter. Naturally, Painter must suck, right? Well, apparently he’s actually good…at sucking. The Colts kept Painter in as their starting QB for the entire game on Sunday, even after he threw two INTs to one TD (that he can justifiably take ZERO credit for…it was all Reggie Wayne slowly and methodically weaving in and out of disinterested Panthers’ defensive backs), and one of those INTs was one of the worst of his season, which if you’ve watched him this year, is saying a lot. Indy is one pre-mature IR away from basically saying they want to go 0-16 (hint, hint…Dallas Clark). Speaking of, Indy signed Raymond Felton on Monday. If he sticks, the Colts could finish 0-16 with three (count ‘em) members of history’s only other 0-16 team: The well-documented Dan Orlovsky (who still has a chance to make history if he overtakes Painter for the starting job), Ernie Sims and now Felton. Wow. Just…wow. Their talk of bringing Manning back for “controlled circumstances” seems almost a laughably-obvious ploy to keep jaded season ticket holders like me from canceling renewals right freaking now. Quick aside: The Real KC and I left early on Sunday and went to a bar to drink more. This is the first time this has ever happened, dating back to the putrid early days of the Indy franchise, when all we went to games for was to watch Dan Marino and Jim Kelly throw easy TDs on us (not the “going to the bar to drink more” part…that happens all the time, we just, as a rule, don’t leave Colts games early to do it). Anyway, this team is ugly, bad, doesn’t care and had me so depressed at halftime that I missed Marvin Harrison’s Ring of Honor induction. Another quick aside: Lucas Oil Stadium stole The Real KC’s knife. WTF? They had metal detectors for the first time ever. Seriously? I could have still brought a gun in because their security guards were so bad at using the metal detectors, but because The Real KC showed them his pocket knife, they told him to throw it away. Then they lied about how it would still be sitting there in the trashcan after the game. It wasn’t. They took the trash out. Talk about insult to injury. What was I saying? Oh yeah. The Colts. They’re awful. And they don’t care about winning.

* Yeah, so all those people who thought that Lions-Packers game was going to be a statement moment for Detroit…they were wrong. Count me among those who at least assumed it would be a nice, entertaining matchup. The Dolphins-Cowboys game was the only Thanksgiving contest worth watching. Thankfully the Ravens-’Niners matchup was boring, because I was too drunk to enjoy it by the time it started anyway.

Injury News

* Sidney Rice suffered his second head injury in two weeks. This is bad. I’d be surprised if he’s able to come back, given how sensitive the NFL is becoming with the whole concussion thing. It wasn’t as bad as Austin Collie’s situation last year, but I still think he’s likely done. Stay tuned. The Seahawks’ passing game doesn’t warrant you automatically picking up any potential replacement, but Doug Baldwin becomes a little more intriguing if he’s still out there on your wire.

* Matt Leinart’s reign as the Texans’ starting QB lasted all of 13 pass attempts. The former beer bonger apparently broke his collarbone, likely ending his season. Rookie T.J. Yates will takeover for the time being. You should not be interested in Yates. This could, however, negatively affect Andre Johnson and even the Texan’s running game. Keep a close eye on the situation. Arian Foster, besides a big first quarter run and an ensuing TD, was largely ineffective on Sunday, but then, the Jaguars held him to under 4 ypc in the two teams’ first meeting. Don’t assume that Foster is unstoppable. With literally no threat of a passing game, even the beastliest RB’s production can go down. That said, it’s not even close to panic time, and given all of Houston’s other weapons, it’s going to take Painter-like tragic QB play for Foster to become an afterthought. And the Texans’ D is so good they should be able to hang tough in a playoff race, which should keep all skill positions relevant, hopefully.

* Beanie Wells had some knee swelling following his big day on Sunday. However, I guess you’ll have that after you go off for over 200 on the ground. It’s just part of the weekly routine with Wells now. I think he’ll be fine, but keep an eye on him. He hasn’t been the most durable throughout his career thus far.

With no football to worry about, Matt Leinart can go back to whatever was about to happen next in this picture. More power to him.

* After I enthusiastically touted Kevin Smith he promptly suffered an ankle injury in the first quarter of the Thanksgiving Day game vs. Green Bay. So far he looks like he could still play next week vs. New Orleans, and gets extra time to heal. When healthy I view him as a starting-caliber RB in all leagues, as he was on his way to a big line (he had scored 8 PPR points in one quarter of action). Keep an eye on the practice reports this week and plan accordingly.

Guys to Keep an Eye On

* Doug Baldwin, WR SEA (25% Yahoo! ownership): Baldwin has been inconsistent this year, but he put up decent numbers on Sunday after Sidney Rice’s injury. You can expect 7-10 targets coming his way going forward, as long as Rice is out, but you can also expect opposing teams’ best corners to blanket him, so there’s that.

* Johnny Knox, WR CHI (31%): I’m not sure why Knox’s ownership is so down. KCCB dropped him in the TFN league immediately after praising him for a great game last week. I know Caleb Hanie scared people off, but I’m surprised he wasn’t a hot waiver add this time last week. After 7 straight single-digit fps performances, Knox has put up a combined 50+ fps over the last two games, including a career high 145 yards on 10 targets vs. the Raiders. Knox gets some tasty matchups during the fantasy playoffs (@ DEN, vs. SEA and @ GNB) so he’s worth a look now while you can still get him cheap.

* Kyle Orton, QB KAN (18%): Until a horrible week 5 outing vs. SDG that ultimately cost Orton his starting job and his Denver roster spot, the Neck Beard was actually pretty solid, putting up 20+ standard league fps in two of his first four games, and never sinking to single digits in that span. Now he gets the blur-offense-running Chiefs and their suddenly viable passing attack. Tyler Palko is bad, and doesn’t seem to know any of his receivers’ routes, but with Orton at the helm, that’s an offense that could potentially keep defenses on their toes indefinitely. Between Dwayne Bowe, Steve Breaston and Dexter McCluster, there are plenty of underrated weapons in KC. Don’t expect Orton to come in and save your season, but you can add him to the list of slightly below average, yet serviceable Jay Cutler replacements for your fantasy squad.

* Maurice Morris, RB DET (36%): Kevin Smith has a chance to play this week, especially given the long layoff between Thanksgiving and Sunday Night’s game @ NOR. But if he can’t go thanks to his ankle sprain, Morris could step back into relevance. Keep him in mind, especially if you’re a Smith owner. Morris’s 8 catches on Turkey Day are what make him valuable in the first place.

* Roy Helu, RB WAS (46%): Why is Helu just 10% more owned than Mo Morris? He is averaging 5.5 yards per touch, and has scored over 20 PPR fps in each of his career 20-touch outings. As difficult as it is to trust Mike Shanahan, his RB stable is getting thin. This may finally be Helu’s time to carry a featured role, and with New England on the horizon week 14, he looks like a potential fantasy playoff savior.

Guys You Can Go Ahead and Drop

* Ryan Torain, RB WAS: Torain is still owned in nearly a quarter of Yahoo! leagues, but he should be universally dropped. Even with Mike Shanahan’s unpredictable RB ball-sharing tendencies, you don’t want to rely on Helu’s competition right now, especially after a game where Torain didn’t touch the ball once.

* Chris Ogbonnaya, RB CLE: While Ogbonnaya (seriously, can somebody get this guy an easy-to-spell nickname?) is still owned in 37% of Yahoo! leagues, this week was the time to cut bait. After piling up 44 touches over the last two games, and some solid, flex-worthy numbers to go with them, Og (there, “Og,” how’s that?) saw the ball just four times on Sunday. Given how long Peyton Hillis sat out, and the fact that he didn’t suffer a set-back on Sunday, it’s safe to say his contract year has been successfully sabotaged, and the Browns will feel free to cut him loose vs. the toughest stretch of remaining games for any RB probably ever. Three of the Browns’ next four are against either Baltimore (twice) or Pittsburgh. It’s highly unlikely Og will see much value going forward, and I’m not high on Hills or Montario Hardesty, at least not until that Arizona game in two weeks.

My Fantasy World

Accumulative Record (three pay leagues): 17-19

I went the coveted 3-0 this week in my three pay leagues. The TFN league is unbelievably close, with 9 teams still in a viable playoff hunt for six playoff spots. Only one team (Pandamonium) is a mathematical lock, and only one other team will need freakishly bad luck to miss. I’m in with a win. In my League of Idiots, I get to play the 11-seed in a 12-team playoff, and am still hoping McFadden and/or Bradshaw and/or Maclin can get healthy before next week, and I can squeak out a first round playoff win in the mean time.

Editor’s Note: We are now completely Web-sensed at my work, where I do the majority of my writing, as Bush League as that sounds. This may spell the end for www.thefantasyninjas.com. Stay tuned, but I’m pounding this out at the library right now, like the urine-soaked hobo that I probably resemble. I’ve got to think fast, and that’s not really my strong suit.

Fat Brutus is rollin' in dat gwap! (cat pictured not actually Fat Brutus...but Fat Brutus IS rollin' in dat gwap)

I’ve recently had a discussion with The Real KC, my reader liaison. He reads all of my stories, and acts as an intermediary between myself and my millions of dedicated followers who for some mysterious reason refuse to comment on my stories. Here is a transcript of our text message exchange last night:

After finding out that Nate Dunlevy over at 18to88.com was shutting down his Web site after this year:

LukeNukem: Heard your boy was closing shop on 18to88…pussy

The Real KC: Nah, he is just teaming up with Coltzilla and ColtsInsider so there is only one Colts blog. Also, apparently it’s much harder to run a daily blog when you have a job in the USA rather than volunteer work in Argentina.

LN: Whatevs. I got two jobs, two kids, a wife who hates football and zero readers and I still keep on the grind.

TRKC: Yeah, but all your articles are basically the same thing: “I’m better than the experts, my fantasy team did blah blah blah…” DZ [Dunlevy] has to write something I’ll read.

LN: Doesn’t take any less time. My sh*t’s heavily researched. And it’s not easy finding Trogdor and Silent Bob references and working them into the articles. I never got the Colts blog craze anyway. Most of those clowns were only popular bc the Colts were good. As soon as its en vogue to commit heinous libel against fantasy experts I’ll be a star.

TRKC: You should have automated that sh*t by now: 1 Paragraph: “I’m better than [Matthew Berry].” 1 Paragraph: “Panda is a punk.” 1 Paragraph: “Stupid man crush.” 1 Paragraph: “Recounting drunken shenanigans.” 1 Paragraph: “I actually can’t win in fantasy football.” 1 Paragraph: “Just here to show hotties.” 1 Paragraph: “Random number generator.” BANG! You’re automated out of a job.

LN: Dammit! I knew I should’ve invested in a Web guy. Well, you at least have to admit that’s better than what they give you. It’s funnier, has more swearing and boobies.

TRKC: What? Are you saying @Redbraham doesn’t have any actual Web skills? (editor’s note: he doesn’t) That’s hard to believe. Boobies are better for sure. But your navel gazing “I’m better” columns could do with an edit…

LN: That’s only a recent development spawned by my inferiority complex. Usually my nut grafs are either about the Colts (too depressing) or drinking (too predictable). Maybe I’ll talk about movies or something. Also, the point was more that ANYBODY could do it better than Berry et. al, not just me.

So my articles need an edit, do they? Straight from the horse’s mouth. I feel like Steve must have when Fat Brutus started shunning him. My loyal followers, of which there must be near-uncountable numbers, no longer like me. So how do I fix this? I’ll tell you.

I’m going to prove, once and for all,  that anyone can do this stuff, by letting my wife do the start/sit recommendations this week. I’ll still give you viable, half-assedly-researched position rankings interspersed throughout the column, but Mrs. Nukem will be specifically advising you on who you should start/sit this week.

A little background on my wife. I love her, respect her, and she’s great at a lot of things. When it comes to being a human being, she puts me to shame. I’m lucky to have her. But, football knowledge is not one of those things in which she excels. When a game comes on her eyes sort of glaze over. When we go to games together, after punts she asks questions like “Wait, why does the other team have the ball now?” She’s unfortunately stereotypically ignorant and disinterested in the game as a whole, though she thankfully pretends to be, at least when we go to the games. That’s okay. I d0n’t know the first thing about some of her interests, whatever they might be (yeah, husband of the year, I know).

So I asked her several start/sit questions. She was familiar with a few of the players involved, and I treated it as I would any other start/sit column, essentially only asking her to analyze players about whom you may be somewhat torn. Here is what she came up with:

Quarterbacks

Ben Roethlisberger @ KAN: “I’d sit him because I think he’s some kinda woman hater or something. Didn’t he assault somebody?”

Mark Sanchez vs. BUF: “He’s hot, he’s single and he’s all about family and charity. Start him. I saw him on the Today Show. That’s where I get all of my sports information.”

Tim Tebow @ SDG: “Oh yeah, good Christian boy. I’d start him.”

Matt Leinart @ JAC: “These pictures [obtained from Google image search] seem to depict him fraternizing with known pornographers. I’d sit him.”

Eli Manning @ NOR: “No question. Start him. There’s gotta be a Manning playing somewhere.”

Wide Receivers

Denarius Moore vs. CHI: “His braids make me nervous. I don’t really have a good explanation. But I’d sit him just to be safe. Does that make me sound like a racist?”

Reggie Wayne vs. CAR: “He’s totally my boyfriend. Start him.”

Pierre Garcon vs. CAR: “[Here she makes some awkward French laugh sound] and whatever the word for ’start’ is in French.”

Plaxico Burress vs. BUF: “Sit. Shooting yourself in the leg is reason enough. I’m not blaming him, but…”

Running backs

Kevin Smith vs. GNB: “Start him. I went to high school with a guy named Kevin Smith…or was it Kevin Johnson? I don’t remember. Maybe it was Kevin Smith.”

Reggie Bush @ DAL: “I’m thinking sit him. Because if he has his helmet off I can see his cute smile more. Because he’s kind of a hottie.” (She was then asked, “you do realize that us benching him in fantasy has nothing to do with whether or not he plays in the real game, right?” She did not).

Willis McGahee @ SDG: “McGay-WHO?”

Daniel Thomas @ DAL: “Are they in or out of water? Is it on the dolphin’s turf, or the cowboy’s turf? Start him. Cowboys are a bunch of smug jerks” (she’s actually spot on with that last bit…the Cowboys are a bunch of smug jerks. However, it was initially unclear whether she was talking about the Dallas

Cowboys, or cowboys in general).

Tight Ends

Benjamin Watson @ CIN: “Start him. Elementary, my dear.”

Dustin Keller vs. BUF: “I guess sit him because I think I’ve been saying ’start them’ too much.”

There you have it, folks. Probably the best start/sit advice you’ll ever read.

I’ve added a column showing you the standard deviation for each team’s numbers.  If you don’t know what this is, don’t worry.  Neither do I.  Basically, this gives you an idea how consistent each team is from week to week.  The lower the number the more consistent they are, whether it’s a result of their play, their schedule or some combination of the two.

Enjoy the Thanksgiving Day feast of fantasy goodness, reader.  Especially if you’re an Aaron Rodgers, Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Jordy Nelson, Kevin Smith, or Tony Romo owner.