And yet despite Aphrodite’s sordid affairs and highly unusual offspring, we are still able to appreciate the great power of the aphrodisiac. A food, drink, or elixir that ignites our sexual desires. Sadly, however, there is no guidebook, no definitive list, to tell us what’s an aphrodisiac and what is not. It’s often a matter of trial and error.

Below are several items that I learned first-hand do not have the desired effect. I had high hopes for them all, thinking in every case that my woman and I would be compelled to pounce on each other with a most righteous post-prandial passion. I was wrong about every damn one.

Sockeye Salmon: Despite the provocative name and enlivening fact that Salmon swim upstream to do the fish sex, this one totally bombed. We both had bad breath afterwards and the pink filets were gross to look at.

Super Burritos: This one’s pretty self-explanatory in retrospect. I felt really bloated afterwards and my woman almost shit her pants.

Calamari: Really, really anti-climactic. I tried to keep her in the mood by saying the words “squid” and “octopus” salaciously throughout the meal, but to no avail.

Sausage: I thought this was a sure bet, but watching my woman pierce the skin of a sausage with her teeth again and again proved to be something of a turn-off. I was a little freaked out afterwards and spent the night on the couch.

Ouzo: In something of a tribute to Aphrodite, we got a bottle of this famous Greek aperitif. It was disgusting. I had a lot of it, thinking that might spice things up a bit. It became clear later that night that I’d had too much though, and things were awkward between us the next morning.

Bull Testicles: Complete waste of money. I couldn’t even bring myself to try one, the thought of it was so repulsive. And despite her established fondness for human balls, my woman wouldn’t eat one either.

Fernet: See Ouzo above.

In the coming weeks I plan to test the aphrodisiac potential of: Crab Cakes, Turkey (dark meat), Pesto, Shark Fin, and Manischewitz. All of my findings will eventually be collected in the form of a book, tentatively titled “Not Aphrodisiacs.”

Originally published on TheImpersonals.com

Here are ten things that I’ve learned over the years should not be done during a pitch. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear of another young adman making one of these rookie mistakes. Take these not-to-dos to heart and you’ll be years ahead of the competition.

FLIRT WITH CLIENT PERSONNEL: I know, I know, technically it’s not your company’s ink, but it’s still something of a no-no. So don’t go asking the gorgeous executive if she likes your dongle, okay buddy?

ACCIDENTALLY SLIP INTO AN LSD FLASHBACK: I haven’t actually come up with a foolproof solution for avoiding this unfortunate scenario. Maybe just tell yourself a few times on your way into the room not to have a flashback.

ACT OUT THE VOLLEYBALL SCENE FROM “TOP GUN”: Hey, we all love the movie, but the sport of volleyball is generally frowned upon in an office environment.

TELL THE CLIENT WHO YOU WERE IN A FORMER LIFE: I’m all for padding your résumé, but mentioning who you were in a former life to try to impress the client simply isn’t something you do during a pitch. Save that kind of information for when you and the client go golfing together.

TAKE A DRINK FROM YOUR FLASK WITHOUT OFFERING SOME TO THE CLIENT FIRST: I know how dehydrated you can get during a pitch, but decorum dictates that you let the client take the first pull on the happy juice.

MENTION YOU WERE ON AMC’S “THE PITCH” IF YOU TOTALLY GOT YOUR ASS KICKED: If the client brings it up, just play it off as though there is more than one agency with that name. “Yeah, that wasn’t us.”

TRY TO SPEAK THROUGH A STUFFED HOG LIKE YOU’RE A VENTRILOQUIST: I still make this mistake, to be honest. It’s just one of those things that sounds so right in your head but for some reason never seems to pan out when you do it live.

LIGHT CANDLES OR INCENSE: You never know what kind of allergies people might have, so try to refrain from all pyrotechnics.

BRING A RANDOM HOMELESS PERSON IN WITH YOU TO SHOW THE CLIENT YOU CARE: It’s a nice sentiment, but this isn’t the time for such heroics. Homeless people can be very unpredictable.

SOIL YOURSELF: For all I know it was our creative that was to blame for losing that pitch, and not my little episode. My intuition tells me though that it was probably the latter, so I’ve gone ahead and included soiling yourself in this list of things not to do during a pitch.

Originally published at Supercool Creative.

From tips on interviewing, to crafting the perfect comeback, to starting a condiment business, to impersonating a doctor, the quotes below are bursting with unbridled wisdom. So put on your lobster bibs and get ready to feast on these juicy nuggets of business genius from my favorite and, yes, the best, TV show of all time. Gitty up!

WHAT TO SAY WHEN … 

Being questioned about the reports you handed in: “I don’t even really work here.” – Kramer

Interviewing (for a job in garment sales): “From the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled….  I picked it up, I studied it, I thought, ‘I like this.’ I didn’t know in what way or on what level, but I knew I wanted to be around brassieres. ” – George

Pretending to be a doctor: “Why would I, a Juliard-trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?” – Kramer

Defending your internship program before the Dean: “And with Darrin’s help we’ll get that chicken!” – Kramer, then-CEO of Kramerica Industries

Telling your boss you’re quitting: “That’s it. This is it. I’m done! Through. It’s over. I’m gone! Finished! Over! I will never work for you again! Look at you: you think you’re an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughing stock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you! You’re nothing! You have no brains, no ability – nothing! … I quit.” – George

Answering to Accounting about your expenses: “Well, isn’t the president allowed to do anything that they want?” – Elaine

Being confronted about sex with a coworker during business hours: “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell ya, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon …” – George

Interviewing (for a job in major league sports): “My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman…. Before that I was in real estate. I quit because my boss wouldn’t let me use his private bathroom.” – George

CUSTOMER RELATIONS

“No soup for you! Come back, one year!” – The Soup Nazi

“You remember this: when you control the mail, you control … information!” – Newman

HOW TO …

Win that promotion: “My presence in that office can only hurt my chances.” – George

Use your job to impress women: “I’m a bootlegger! … Bootlegging the movie, baby.” And before that: “My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.” – George

Prepare for an interview (garment sales): “I’m not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn’t kill you to know a little bit about it.” – Frank Costanza

AROUND THE OFFICE

Dealing with a conflict between two employees: “Well I see what’s going on here. I am smack-dab in the middle of a good old-fashioned cat fight!” – Peterman

The perfect comeback to your office nemesis: “Well the jerk store called: they’re running out of you!” And if that doesn’t work: “Yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!” – George

Office nicknames: “The thing is, I’m supposed to be T-Bone.” – George

Leaving a legacy: “I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, ‘Wow! Now that guy got canned!’” – George

Installing a garbage disposal in your shower: ”Well it’s a big job. You’ve got to dismantle the latch hasp from the auxiliary drainage line.” – Puddy

CAREER MOVES

Traveling to Los Angeles for work: “It’s LA! Nobody ever leaves. She’s a seductress; she’s a siren; she’s a virgin; she’s a whoooirre.” – Kramer

Becoming a hand model:  “Please! Please! I cannot have this constant bickering. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis!” – George 

THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT 

Selling computers out of your home:  “Two months ago I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called “The Net,” with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading and I realized, it wasn’t that far-fetched.” – Frank Costanza

Driving to Michigan for the higher bottle-redemption value: “You overload your inventory and blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn’t work” – Kramer

Retail: “Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That’s how you move merchandise.” – Morty Seinfeld

Product ideas: “A restaurant that serves only peanut butter & jelly.” – Kramer

“Hey, how about this: ketchup and mustard in the same bottle.” – Kramer

“A bra is for ladies. Meet … The Bro!” – Kramer

“A brassiere for men. The Mansiere! Get it?” – Frank Costanza

Problems with your hansom cab: “The horse is gassy. It must have been the Beefarino.”  – Kramer

 WORK-LIFE BALANCE

“I’m starting a Peterman reality bus tour!” – Kramer 

“This is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts? Fugitive sex? … I got a cock fight to focus on.” – Jerry

“I’ll tell ya, it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I’m not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.” – Kramer

Junior Mint?

Originally published at Supercool Creative.

Brain farts can be very unpleasant to endure, not to mention disrespectful. But because they often occur in a business setting most of us refrain from humiliating the farter with unforgiving remarks and looks of disgust. This is foolish. We don’t let people get away with bodily farts, so why give them a free pass on mental ones? (When was the last time you didn’t acknowledge that a person in your group, car, bed, etc., just farted? Never, right?) Brain farters should be shamed to the full extent of social norms too, lest you and your coworkers have to suffer their mental flatulence every time they present.

Here are some creative yet practical ways to thoroughly embarrass brain farters. Unless otherwise noted, each tactic is to be employed immediately after the offense has taken place, even if that means interrupting the presentation.

COMMENTS

• “Oh, man. Those ideas stink!”
• “Forget your slides. Why don’t you just draw a picture of a big fart?!”
• “Even the people who dialed in from home can smell that one.”
• “Did your brain have like 10 burritos for breakfast?”
• “You suck.”

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

• The “I’m in a wind tunnel” face.
• The “this is the sourest thing I’ve ever tasted” face.
• The “you’re a disgrace to your family” face.

HAND GESTURES

• Pinching your nose between your thumb and forefinger, ideally while squinting at the same time. This one is definitely a classic, but it does score quite low in creativity.
• Both arms raised straight up in the air, like a football referee calling a field goal. (“It’s good!”)
• Both arms flailing across your chest in opposite directions like a pair of possessed windshield wipers, letting the person know you want him/her to stop immediately. If possible, use this gesture in tandem with the “this is the sourest thing I’ve ever tasted” face for maximum effect.

THINGS TO DO TO THE FARTER’S DESK THE NEXT DAY

• Fart on it.
• Create a life-sized picture of the person’s face but with a set of butt checks where the mouth should be and glue it to his/her desk.
• Nail a model brain to the desk with its back facing the person’s chair, just like when you force your roommate to stare at his dog’s butt whenever the dog gets gassy.

RE-PURPOSED SONG LYRICS TO SING WHENEVER WALKING BY THE FARTER

• “Now I’m free … free farting.”
• “Who let the fart out? Who? Who? Who?”
• “Goodness, gracious, great balls of fart.”

MISCELLANY FOR LATER IN THE WEEK

• Buy the farter one of those hats with a fan on it and insist he/she wear it backwards when in the office.
• Smash the rear window of the person’s car so anyone traveling behind it knows the driver is a brain farter. Maybe write a note on the trunk explaining this one though.

Be aware that the brain farter most likely won’t appreciate some of the more ruthless approaches outlined above, or any of them for that matter. But it was never the farter’s feelings you were most concerned about anyway, so this shouldn’t be an issue.

Originally published at Supercool Creative.

Nothing ruins an otherwise pleasant evening like a debate about the rapper Pitbull. Some love him, some hate him, some don’t understand why others are talking about a dog breed as though it’s a person. So instead of engaging in yet another heated, chardonnay-fueled exchange about Pitbull’s oeuvre, I’d like to assess his career in the most objective and sophisticated way possible – via a Pros & Cons list.

Pros:

– Smart enough not to have chosen Siberian Husky or Golden Retriever as your rap name

– More likely to get away with defecating on someone’s front lawn than other humans

– Free Bud Light for life

– A shoo-in for the Bringing Khaki Back award

– Excellent eyesight thanks to NASA-tested aviator sunglasses

– Can always just make another music video if you haven’t gotten any tail in a while

– Get honorary dog cage from the NAPBTA (National American Pit Bull Terrier Association)

– No need to explain why it’s not you in those Dos Equis commercials

– Infinite possibilities for crank calls since your name is also a kind of dog

– Open invitation to visit the Wal-Mart in Kodiak, Alaska

– Don’t appear to get any razor burn

Cons:

– No chance of falling back on babysitting if the music thing doesn’t work out

– People always assume you’re on your way to a yacht party and ask if they can come

– Cry whenever you watch “Teen Wolf”

– Bono beat you to the punch on the always-wearing-sunglasses thing by a good 30 years

– You have to keep up the Bud Light bit even though your favorite drinks are Miller 64 and sangria

– Your detractors call you Pussybowl

But there’s great news for the sock-matching impaired, and it’s called the Sock Matcher app! Gone are the days of hiding your socks underneath your pants! More than forty-percent effective at reducing sock mismatches, the Sock Matcher will soon become your new best friend, especially if you have no love life to speak of whatsoever!

How does it work? Well let me tell you! After installing the app on your mobile phone, simply take a picture of one sock then a picture of the other and click “Match?” The app will then tell you if they are the same shade of the same color or not. It even works with patterned socks!

It sounds too good to be true, right? Well it isn’t! Just see what Sock Matcher’s happy customers have to say:

“My life was a total mess before Sock Matcher. It still is, but at least I now have a better chance of wearing matching socks. Thanks, Sock Matcher!” – Phil

“I can’t thank Sock Matcher enough. I feel more confident than ever! Maybe you could create an Earring Matcher app too?” – Myra

“I was definitely skeptical at first. I mean, I’m a smart dude, so if I can’t figure out if two sock patterns match, then how could a phone, right? Well douché, Sock Matcher. Douché.” – Gunnar [The CoolAid assumes Gunnar meant “touché” but we can’t be certain.]

The app is now available for both Android and iOS devices, and at just $19.99 it’s a total steal! I’m happy to give Sock Matcher app a score of a 8.5 plastic cups out of 10.

Originally published at Supercool Creative. 

But what about the most non-innovative companies? Don’t they deserve some recognition here too? We at The Coolaid sure think so, which is why we set out to find the top non-innovative companies in Los Angeles. The company that courageously sticks to its ways despite countless developments in marketing and technology that could no doubt boost profits and further extend the life of the company – that’s what we went looking for.

After extensive field research and meticulous data crunching, we bring you the four most non-innovative companies in LA.

EUGENE’S HOT DOG STAND (Sunset & La Brea): God love him, Eugene has been peddling hot dogs from his portable mini-kitchen for as long as we can remember. He’s a great guy and wouldn’t know innovation if it stole his wife and took her up to Burbank for a night on the town. He’s refused to use Facebook ever since some sort of “picture incident,” and when we mentioned Yelp! he got very angry – so angry that we cut the interview short and jogged back to our vehicle.

Eugene hasn’t shaken up the hot dog industry one bit. It’s always the same thing: a reasonably fresh dogger cradled in a sun-toasted bun, topped with splurts of condiments. A recipe for success.

Keep it up, Eugene!

SUNSET STRIP VIDEO RENTAL (Silver Lake): These guys are marketing geniuses! The store is at least six miles away from the Sunset Strip but the inside is so enchanting that you don’t even notice. Feeding off the retro, I-don’t-want-to-grow-up vibe of Silver Lake and Echo Park, these guys are totally trapped in the mid-90′s, when VHS was king and MTV’s The Real Word had just about peaked.

All post-90′s trends are bucked at Sunset Strip Video Rentals. They use a spiral notebook to keep track of rentals, and you’re liable to get banned from the store if you’re ever caught carrying a DVD. It’s awesome! May you live long and prosper, Sunset Strip Video Rental.

*UPDATE:  Sunset Strip Video Rental is no longer in business.

ANDERSON FAMILY LAWN SERVICES (Hollywood): This is a family owned and operated lawn care company serving the greater Hollywood area. The Andersons sure know how to pull a weed, and they’ll make your lawn look like freakin’ mirrors! Instead of building a website or engaging in any sort of marketing whatsoever, these guys go door to door insisting your lawn needs a fresh mow. These tried and true methods have earned them anywhere from six to thirteen loyal customers.

The same goes for the tools they use. There have been huge developments in hand shovels over the years, in everything from handle color to blade bendiness. But the Anderson clan, much to their credit, will have none of this “post-modern bulls–t,” as they call it. And when I suggested they build some sort of noise-canceling apparatus for those big garden sheers they use, they laughed in my face. You’ve got to respect that kind of confidence.

HOAR’S DONUTS (Franklin & Vine): Of the 50-100 eponymously named donut shops in LA, Hoar’s stands alone in its strict donut orthodoxy and poor lighting. While so many donut shops have succumbed to the unfortunate shift in social mores regarding donut shapes, Hoar sticks to his charming frosted circles, inspired maple bars, and hand-twisted twists.

We’ve seen all kinds of new-fangled donutry, and we’re not just talking about donuts in the shapes of nether organs. I once dared to eat a donut in the shape of a Pterodactyl. It was horrific and very confusing psychologically. That’s why I always go back to Hoar’s, where I know I can get principled, non-threatening donuts.

Thanks, Hoar!

Honorable Mentions

Here are some of the LA-area companies we found to be wonderfully stagnant and non-innovative too, but not wonderfully enough to make it into the top four: Haggis International, Tuesdays-Only Parking Lots, Eddie’s Dog Walking, and Venice (the entire town).

Originally published at Supercool Creative.

Here are ten handshakes that, when employed judiciously, will demonstrate to one and all that you’re a winner, not a douche bag! Use these shakes to make new friends at the office and win over new clients. But always remember that “the most important element of a good handshake is sincerity,” as the renowned handshake expert Rheinhold Dilfer once famously instructed.

THE GENTLEMAN: This handshake began at Dartmouth in the early 1800s and has since become the preeminent handshake of Western civilization. With the palm of your right hand perpendicular to the floor, meet the person’s approaching hand with yours, keeping your thumb pointing skyward on the way so that it catches the L of the other person’s hand. Clasp hands, gently move your forearm up and down, and then release. The Gentleman lasts for a total of two seconds, three seconds tops.  Most of the handshakes still practiced today, including all of those listed below, have their origins in The Gentleman.

THE TICKLER: This is the go-to shake when meeting someone for the first time. It consists of lovingly tickling the other person’s palm with your pinkie finger. It’s especially good for interviews – whether you’re the interviewer or interviewee – and for getting to know your in-laws. The angle of the hand isn’t as important as the thoroughness of the tickling.

THE MAESTRO: As soon as contact is made, lift the other person’s hand in the air and then move it from side to side, like the person’s hand is a baton and you’re the conductor. While safe and effective in all business settings, do try to avoid executing The Maestro on anybody over 70 years of age.

THE SPICY TUNA: This one is something of a catchall for any handshake involving foodstuffs. The Spicy Tuna thrives on improvisation.

THE BALL BUSTER: This one’s pretty straightforward. As soon as contact is made, start squeezing the person’s hand as hard as you can. The Ball Buster is great to use on the new guy at work, not to mention your girlfriend’s disapproving sister.

THE SPANKER (a.k.a. THE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN): Engage the other person’s hand with The Gentleman and then, without warning, spank it with your free hand. This one really gets the blood flowing and is a great way to refocus your audience if the pitch or meeting gets off to a rocky start.

THE SCHNAUZER: As soon as the shake begins, start licking the other person’s hand. Keep this shake on reserve, pulling it out only when you’re at your most desperate. The Schnauzer works best if you have a beard.

THE EEL: This the ideal shake for aquatic environments. Whether you’re on your boss’s speedboat or about to take a shower with a potential client, I strongly recommend that you go with The Eel. Just mimic the movement of an eel with your arm once the shake begins. The other person will love it! If the goal of the given shake is to intimidate, however, I suggest you crank it up a notch and go with the THE ELECTRIC EEL, which calls for a “bzzzz” sound from your mouth and a jerk or two of your arm.

THE COMMODORE: I left this one for last because it’s the hardest to master and should not be attempted by just anyone. Immediately after the shake has commenced, make circles with your hand like you’re mixing cookie dough, bringing the person’s hand along for the ride. Be sure to always move your hand clockwise, as trying to go counter-clockwise could really offend somebody. While you’re making the circles, start turning your palm downward so that by the end of the shake it’s facing the floor. This way the other person will be left moving his hand like he’s rubbing the tummy of a beautiful baby giraffe.

A good handshake could mean the difference between a six-figure salary and severe psychological trauma. Dazzle people with your handshakes and there’ll be no stopping you!

Originally published at Supercool Creative.

Here’s a list of dos and don’ts to follow when meeting with a client over dinner. Print it out and put a copy of it in your jacket pocket if you need to. These simple yet critical pointers will help you close more deals and, most important, earn the respect of your peers.

DO: 

Pregame: You want to approach a business dinner like you would a rock concert. You never know how slow the service will be, so put down a couple tall boys on your way to the restaurant.

Show the client who’s boss when it comes to meal size: If the client orders a steak, you order surf ‘n turf. If the client beats you to the surf ‘n turf, order the surf ‘n turf but with some chicken on top. If the client tries to match you by adding some chicken to his meal too, send the chef for some buffalo.

Pretend it’s your birthday: Not only will your client be touched that you made time for them on such an important night, but the waitstaff will serenade you and give you a free piece of cake!

Have interns text you throughout the meal: If you’ve already pulled the birthday trick, have your interns text you repeatedly so you appear to be in high demand. After all, you don’t want the client to think you’ve got nothing better to do with your time. Just be careful not to let the client see your phone.

Regale the client with comical stories of how you lost accounts: The high rollers love a salesperson with a sense of humor.

Give the client ample time to grab the bill: After you showed them up by ordering the biggest dish on the menu (and then some), it’s time to let them show you up by paying for the dinner. Clients can be a bit bashful about reaching for the check – they don’t want to show off – so give them 15 minutes … an hour … as long as it takes.  I once had a client who took six and half hours to wrest the bill from the center of the table. So hang in there. They’ll respect you for it.

DON’T: 

Ask the restaurant to play the rap song Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M) by the Wu-Tang Clan: I still don’t fully understand why this is a Don’t, but I can assure you it is. I thought it was a clever, multicultural way to demonstrate to the client that I’m all about the Benjamins, but the whole thing blew up in my face.

Let women do any of the ordering: Do the classy thing and order for any women at the table, whether on your team or the client’s. If they try to fight you on this, explain that chivalry is alive and well.

Ask for a bottle of wine from Southern Florida: You’ll look like an idiot! Just trust me on this one.

Use the restroom: This is a sign of weakness. Hold it in, no matter what the costs.

Ask the client to share a hotel room with you for the night: Unless the client offers to pay for that too.

Follow these guidelines and you’ll go straight to the top. You might even want to start thinking about how you’ll decorate your new office, wink wink. Maybe there’ll even be room for a pot of begonias or two.

Originally published at Supercool Creative.

After spending the afternoon

Marv swung open one of the restaurant”s large double doors and found Ryan directly in front of him schmoozing with the hostess. They swapped casual handshakes and one-armed hugs before being led to a table.

Marv and Ryan took their seats as a man with thick, black wavy hair walked by their table.

“Did you see that guy’s hair?” Marv asked, picking up the menu. “What an asshole.”

“Still suffering from hair envy, I see.”

“Yeah, among other things.”

“Yours looks pretty good today,” Ryan offered sincerely.

“I know, a little frizzy though. I think it needs a trim. I’ll probably go see Vlad the Cossack next week.”

“Who?” Ryan inquired with a quizzical smile. “Oh, that’s right,” he remembered, “your hair stylist. I forgot your cast of characters for a second there. He’s from the steppes of the Ukraine, right?”

“How the hell should I know,” Marv answered, still looking down at the menu. “It’s not the point.”

Ryan laughed at Marv and took another look at his hair. “You’re right, it is a bit frizzy today. You still putting all that crap in it?”

“First of all,” Marv began sternly, “there was a postprandial nap this afternoon and I hit a wind tunnel on the walk over, thus the frizziness. And second, unless you get kicked in the face by a horse, you don’t get to criticize my beauty measures, you Nordic bastard.”

Ryan started laughing and Marv didn’t let up.

“‘I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name,’” he declared, “and ‘it felt good to be out of the rain.’”

“Nice one.”

They returned to the menus after some nodding.

“The writing must be going well, then,” Ryan said sarcastically.

Marv didn’t respond, as he noticed the waitress approaching.

“Can I get you guys something to drink?” she asked.

“I’ll have an Amstel Light,” Ryan said.

“I may have a beer later,” Marv explained, “but I’ll start with a Diet Coke please.”

“You’re back on the DC?” Ryan asked, genuinely surprised.

“Yep, and I’m not happy about it.” Marv briefly glanced down at the menu before looking up at the waitress with a self-deprecating smile. “I used to have a problem.”

“Is that a fact?” she asked, seeming vaguely interested.

“Well, fact may be a bit strong, but there was definitely something going on,” Marv insisted, pushing his glasses against the bridge of his nose. Ryan looked on with prideful delight as the waitress began to soften.

“I really like those shoes by the way,” Marv threw out, pointing down to his own feet.

“What?” she replied, looking down at her shoes, possibly offended.

“Nn—never mind.”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes to take your orders,” she said sliding away from the table.

He turned back to Ryan and briskly shook his head with a crumpled chin. “I wasn’t happy with that one when I first came up with it the other day either.” Marv decided he wouldn’t try to banter with her when she came back around.

After their meals arrived, Marv disclosed his news. “So I’m going on something of a date tomorrow night” he said, turning the napkin with one hand around the fingers of the other. “Come on Ry, don’t laugh. It’s not that uncommon.”

“Yes it is,” Ryan objected. “You usually just go to the same bar for a few months until something happens.”

“This is true.”

“So does this one cover her mouth when she yawns? Because you’ve had some trouble in the past with­–”

“I know, Ryan. I know. And to answer your question, I haven’t had the opportunity to assess that area of her decorum. But the fact that you can condone that kind of thing-”

“I’m not getting into this again, Marv,” Ryan interrupted, leaning back into his chair and simulating dismay.

“Okay, okay,” Marv desisted, showing his palms.

“So where’d you meet her?”

“At the bookstore.”

“Again?” Ryan asked.

“Well it’s a very erotic environment with all the books. I actually ran after her to give her my phone number.”

“Alright Marv!”

“Shut the hell up.”

After paying the check and exiting the restaurant, they repeated the twisting handshakes and half embraces.

“I hope things go well with – what was her name again?” Ryan asked.

“Allison. You know, ‘In the desert, you can remember your name, ‘cause,’” Marv recited before cracking up in the face of Ryan”s deadpan.

“Later, Marv.”

Marv was still entertained by his last line as he started the short walk home.