THE FLINT SKINNY

REEBOKS WILL GIVE YOU A NICE ASS

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:34:00 +0000

I have seen this video pretty much everywhere now so I figure I might as well post it as well. Apparently if you are a tasty young biscuit (beautiful young woman) and you wear these shoes, they will help give you a good ass. Yes you read that correctly. Just by wearing them and walking around you improve your butt. That's not all though. There is also a little known fact that if you run every other day while wearing them, you can get some nice legs too. The shoes are even so advanced that if you wear them to the gym for 4 or 5 days a week for an hour or more, you will be thin and athletic. Yep, all that from a little pair of shoes. Technology sure is amazing.

NEW WAVE WEDNESDAY VOL. 31

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:33:00 +0000

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted a New Wave video. There is a rerun of Criminal Minds on right now featuring cannibals though, and it always reminds me of this song. I immediately went to youtube to see if it was there and jackpot.

EXECUTIVE BALL SCRATCHER

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:00:00 +0000

Need a gift for the man who has everything? Finally there is a go to gift for you this holiday season. No reason to search any longer because The Skinny has you covered.

LAUGHING BABIES

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:55:00 +0000

I don't know if people will find this cute or scary, but I know at a minimum it makes me not want to have any kids.

SAND DINOSAURS

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:54:00 +0000

I got bored at the beach one day, and this was what I came up with.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN READS LADY GAGA'S POKER FACE

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:36:00 +0000

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:32:00 +0000

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

BY COLIN NISSAN

- - - -

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

HALLOWEEN BINGO

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:56:00 +0000

IS ONE LIFE WORTH ONE MILLION DOLLARS?

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:54:00 +0000

By now I'm sure you have seen previews for the movie about pushing a button and killing a stranger. Well, this pretty much sums up how I would react in that situation. I drunkenly had a discussion about what I would do given the opportunity, and let's just say I have one fewer female friend now.

WOMEN LOVE THEM, GUYS HATE THEM

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:47:00 +0000

Finally the broads got it right. I am sick of at the random articles from women talking about what it is that men like/dislike. This one is actually pretty damn spot on.

I'll never forget when I realized that sometimes men don't think that we ladies look as cute as we think we do. The "incident" occurred a few years ago. I had just finished primping to go out and I asked my man for an assessment. He paused, briefly contemplated lying (so I could avoid the nine outfit changes that would soon follow), and then hesitantly replied, "Well, your shirt kind of looks like curtains."

Curtains?! Was the man crazy? It was an adorable, ruffled sleeveless top that I spent way too much money on for that kind of reaction. Needless to say, those ruffles were forever banished to the back of my closet. Once your shirt is compared to living room drapes, there's no going back.

From shoes to shades, read on for fashion essentials girls love, that guys could live without.

Gladiator Sandals
Your gladiators are your go-to summer shoe when you don't feel like wearing heels. Unfortunately, he has to spend all summer desperately trying to block the mental picture of Russell Crowe in a loin cloth.

Muu Muu Dresses
You think they're hippie chic. But if he wanted to visit grandma, he'd go to Boca Raton. (You're just a housecoat and a pair of slippers away from getting dumped.)

Leggings
They're cute, comfy, and a great alternative to jeans. But he's perplexed as to why you think it's cool to dress like Cyndi Lauper.

Oversize Sunglasses
While you and Nicole Richie love hiding behind large shades, he sees a human-size preying mantis getting a little too close for comfort.

Empire Waist Shirts
Your Saturday-night going-out ensemble is a loose, flowy top paired with skinny jeans. He doesn't understand why you're OK with strangers asking when you're due.

Massive Bags
You think it's normal to carry around 30 lbs. of your most prized possessions at all times. He thinks it's silly that you brought your suitcase to dinner.

A Going-Out Clutch
Sometimes the uber-large everyday bag isn't necessary. (Gotta give the shoulders a break, right?) He just sees it as an excuse for you to force him to carry your keys, Blackberry and assorted lip glosses in his pockets.

Spanx
Women have a love/hate relationship with Spanx. Men just hate them. Word to the wise, don't attempt putting those suckers on when your man is in the vicinity. Wait until you're married to show him your bag 'o tricks.

Harem Pants
Even you know these are pretty ridiculous-looking. So imagine how mortified your man is that he has to take MC Hammer out for fro-yo.

Ankle Boots
Fashion-forward ladies love this season's little booties. But when you and the girls go out, he can't help but refer to your crew as the Keebler Elves.

BABYMAKING CONDOM

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:14:00 +0000

I've never been big on posting stuff from the "FAIL" movement, but somethings are just too good to pass on, like this. Not really sure how someone didn't think this through. It was obviously done by the guy who joined the Anti-AIDS drive because he has never been laid and figure he might meet some girls who obviously like to bang. Hope she brought her own because this condom is more of a babymaker than Shawn Kemp.

DOUCHEBAG SOLIDARITY

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:09:00 +0000

It's official, they have a colored ribbon to support everything now.

HORATIO CAINE BEATS JAY LENO

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:39:00 +0000

Click and hold Horatio!

HOLLOWEEN COSTUME SUGGESTIONS

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:34:00 +0000

WHAT DOES MARCELLUS WALLACE LOOK LIKE?

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:10:00 +0000

REFEREE GETS RUN OVER BY JEFF DUGAN

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:21:00 +0000

The guy got drilled, but if you watched the game you saw that he played up the injury to a ridiculous level. He stayed down for about 5 minutes and then had to be helped off the field. Clearly he wasn't hit in the head nor did his head hit the ground. He must be looking for injury pay. It looks to me like he is intentionally slowing down (some weird stutter stepping going on) to get in the way of the return. I am going to go so far as to say he was on the take and was cheating for the Steelers. Someone start the investigation.

*Update - NFL looking into referee misconduct

MAN OR WOMAN?

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 01:16:00 +0000

Bad enough driver to do this, but smart enough to drive off. Which one is it?

MAN GETS DUI IN A LAY-Z BOY

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:05:00 +0000

DULUTH, Minn. – A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk. A criminal complaint says 62-year-old Dennis LeRoy Anderson told police he left a bar in the northern Minnesota town of Proctor on his chair after drinking eight or nine beers.

Prosecutors say Anderson's blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three

times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle in August 2008. He was not seriously injured.

Police said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower and had a stereo and cup holders.

Sixth Judicial District Judge Heather Sweetland stayed 180 days of jail time Monday and ordered two years of probation for Anderson. His attorney, David Keegan, did not immediately return a call for comment.

Plus a special bonus:

I MISS COLLEGE

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:18:00 +0000

Yes, I am still on my fraternity's group email account, and no I will not be leaving it anytime soon. How else am I suppose to remember the good old days that I completely blacked out? Now I can get pictures like this in an email titled "How We Pregame" and just guess from my seat, sober at work, as to what glorious shit happened that night. I am going to assume at least one fight and 2 or 3 pregnancies.

TEACHER UNLEASHES CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:18:00 +0000

VIN DIESEL FACT #4

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:17:00 +0000

When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

WISCONSIN PLAYER IS A LOSER

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:10:00 +0000

All he wanted was a high five, and he tried so hard to get one, but in the end he failed.

AMAZING FACEBOOK THREAD

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:03:00 +0000

HORATIO CAINE: THE BALLOON BOY HOAX

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 19:29:00 +0000

Click and hold Horatio!

URBANATHLON = A TERRIBLE IDEA

noreply@blogger.com (THE FLINT SKINNY) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:25:00 +0000

So way back in June, I was determined to do all sorts of stuff that I wouldn't normally care about doing. I tried out Parkour(free-running), bought tickets to all sorts of concerts just for the hell of it, started running, and countless other things uncharacteristic of me. One of those things was signing up for the Men's Health Urbanathlon. At the time it seemed like a pretty cool event; some running plus a bunch of obstacles. Sounds like fun. Now here I am one day prior and am convinced that Jun 21st was the dumbest day of my life. The real problem is not the event itself, it's that I lost all motivation. In the past 7 weeks I have run a grand total of 8 miles. Before that I had done some training, but very little running. Let's just say...I'm fucked. That being said, I'm still running this bitch. At this point, I will be happy just finishing. Then I'll most likely come up with another dumb idea to partake in, maybe the Willis Tower (Sears Tower) Stairclimb. Good luck to Hunter, Justin, and anyone else out there tomorrow morning.

Here's a pictorial breakdown of what I get to partake in tomorrow. 11.75 Miles + 563 Stairs + 5 obstacles = fun times USA.