The Fool Has Landed

Our Cat Quinto: Not Exactly A Smooth Criminal

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 08:25:00 +0000

Clash of The Titans (1981)

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 04:38:00 +0000

Last night I watched the original Clash of The Titans (suggested tagline from Halief: "Letting loose The Kraken since 1981"). I took notes of the movie on Twitter and rewrote them below.

Apparently in Olympus, Zeus always sat in front of his own laser show. The only thing missing was the dry ice effect. "Let loose the Kraken!" commanded Zeus in anger, before he did a voodoo death curse against the King of Argos who threw Zeus's illegitimate son to sea.

"What? Now?" said the Kraken, "I'm not even dressed for the ocassion!" Kraken was apparently the first mythical fashionista. Being a mere special effect, The Kraken couldn't actually touch Argos Kingdom, so it let loose a tsunami against the island.

From the scenes, the tsunami took 0 lives. But it made many people really wet and bothered, because they all wore white robes. Apparently that devastated the kingdom. People were in chaos, "We have nothing to wear!"

"The Kraken's the only Titan left," said Zeus. "Then why is this movie titled 'Clash of The Titans'?" asked Poseidon, who was probably also the reigning Grammar Nazi.

Fast forward several years, Perseus had become an adult. And a goddess, on a whim, transported him to the kingdom of Joppa. This goddess would've made a lot of loyal followers by running a travel agency these days. "A trip from Jakarta to Bandung would only cost you one worship and a donation. And the journey will take only one second!" Million converts, guaranteed! Triple that on weekends.

Perseus, having no proper clothing, was offered a royalty robe by Ammon, a guy who dressed like a homeless and whose duty involved giving robes to strangers. Apparently in Joppa, the difference between a royalty and a homeless was the kind of detergent they used for their robes.

Zeus, finding out that his son was sent even without proper clothing, was furious, "We need to send this sword, shield, and helmet to Perseus immediately!" said Zeus. One god bowed, "Hermes delivery service at your disposal!"

Trying all these gifts from the gods, Perseus realized that the helmet was able to make its wearer invisible! He left immediately to Joppa's capital. "Public women bathouse, here I come!" he said, valiantly.

Meanwhile in Joppa, there were so many men queuing to marry Andromeda. The challenge, however, was that one must answer a riddle or be burned to death. This is the mythical version of: "Marriage or death?"

Having learnt about the beauty of Andromeda, Perseus--naturally--sneaked into Andromeda's bedroom. Just because he could.

"Like father like son, eh Zeus?" said Poseidon.

Just for your information, years before this, Zeus had also sneaked into Perseus's mother's room by masquerading as--I'm not kidding--a golden bathtub.

It must've been hard for Perseus mother to tell her son, "Your father is a bathtub, my boy." Instead, she said, "He's very radiant. And clean."

But enough mythology for the night. I'm going to bed. And next time you go to the bathroom, give your bathtub a hefty kick. Just to be safe.

Punisher: War Zone (in Five Minutes)

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 10:31:00 +0000

Spoiler alert!
(Yadda yadda and all that, especially the part that you'd agree that if reading this spoils your movie experience for live, you'd revere me as a god.)

INT. CASTING ROOM - DAY

CASTING DIRECTOR:
Nope. Can't do. Out you go.

VAL KILMER:
But I haven't said a single line.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
You don't have to. Your face looks wrong with an overlight. We want a Punisher. Not someone who tells horror stories on summer camps. NEXT!

RAY STEVENSON steps in.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
Perfect! The role is yours!

RAY STEVENSON:
But I haven't said a single line.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
You won't be saying anything for the first 25 minutes of the movie anyway.

And the scene goes to the mob family celebrating in their mansion.

GODFATHER:
To my freedom!

MOBSTERS:
Shouldn't we worry about the Punisher finishing every other family when they did something like this?

GODFATHER:
Don't worry. We only put two men who guard the gate. We'll be safe!

FRANK CASTLE aka THE PUNISHER enters and slashes the GODFATHER's throat with a steak knife.

One-sided killings ensues.

AUDIENCE:
Wow. The fast-angle cuts make us believe that this is a realistic shootout scene

PUNISHER climbs the chandelier and spins himself while shooting everyone to death...

AUDIENCE:
Forget we said that.

...spewing more bullets than ten magazines combined.

AUDIENCE:
We get it! Okay!

And all the mob goons just keep coming out to get shot. To them, the word "duck" only comes with "sitting".

AUDIENCE:
We give up. Do whatever you wish.

And that's what THE PUNISHER does...

...until he accidentally shoots a police in disguise.

EXT. RANDOM PLACES - NIGHT

POLICE OFFICER #1:
Isn't it amazing that in this city which is overrun by gangsters, every single cop is clean?

POLICE OFFICER #2:
And still, we can't do anything to bring down the mobs.

MOBSTERS:
More amazingly, we speak in horrible accents.

JIMMY THE BEAUT (SCARRED):
I've returned with a vengeance and justification for being a crazy villain. Call me Jigzaw.

GOON #1:
Uh, Boss. We're mobs. Nicknames are supposed to be given by other people. You don't just decide what people should call you.

JIGZAW (AKA THE MAN PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS JIMMY THE BEAUT):
... (cocks guns)

GOON #3:
But who cares about the rules, right?

GOON #2:
Yeah, yeah! As long as we're happy and justified!

GOON #1:
Then from now on, I want to be called Batman!

GOON #2:
Ooh! Oooh! Call me Wolverine!

GOON #3:
And me, Catwoman!

GOON #2:
... You're a guy.

GOON #3:
What? As if picking the name of a guy who wears spandex is any better.

JIGZAW:
Who cares? You guys will die at the next scene anyway.

GOONS:
All the much better. We can't stand any more minute saying dialogues in this horrible accent.

EXT. IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE BELONGS TO THE WIDOW WHOSE HUSBAND WAS KILLED BY THE PUNISHER BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE NATURALLY WHEN YOU SHOOT BULLETS BY THE THOUSANDS EVERYDAY YOU ARE BOUND TO HIT SOMEONE LABELED AS 'THE GOOD GUY' AND BOY ISN'T THIS THE LONGEST SCENE DESCRIPTOR OR WHAT - NIGHT

PUNISHER:
I wanted to say I'm sorry I killed your husband, please kill me in exchange. But I'm too used to saying nothing. So I'll just stand here with a sad face.

WIDOW:
Your sad face is no different than your happy face.

PUNISHER:
I'm also too used to being unable to act.

WIDOW:
Then you're a good man.

PUNISHER:
Okay, dialogues over. Time for more killings.

More killings ensue to the final showdown.

JIGZAW died.

But before that, he'd brought his insane brother out of an asylum. INSANE BROTHER also died. But not before killing all PUNISHER's friends... which consist of two people.
.
.
.
... Sorry, "consisted".

END.

__________

Previously, In Five Minutes: X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Indonesian Predential Debate.

[Twitter List] How To Tell Which Barbershops You Should Avoid

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 02:51:00 +0000

When its sign portrays Sid Vicious

When its hairstyle poster depicts outdated hairstyles and models. Especially: Tommy Page and Rick Astley

When it's replaced the barber chairs with rocking horses. --@babanyakayril

The barber's hands are shakier than Shakira.

When there's a meat pie restaurant underneath the shop and the barber loves to sing. --@pipis

When the barber throws puns like "I'm Conan The Barberian!" Twice. Every ten minutes.

When the shop's name is BARBERELLA. --@auliamasna

When the barber sweeps the fallen hair from the floor, then mops the blood stains. Nonchalantly.

When the barber looks like Rowan Atkinson. And holds a stuffed bear. To which he talks. --@boxybiru

When the barber's favorite book is "The Catcher in the Rye" --@babanyakayril

When the shop's decor includes a makeshift leather mask, an apron and a chainsaw. --@babanyakayril

When the barber asks you to sign a blank paper beforehand. --@boxybiru

When you ask the barber to trim your hair on the left and he asks, "Your left or my left?" #TooLateForRegrets

When the barber keeps calling you "My Precious". And stares at you, smiling. --@erdina

When its slogan is "Barber shop, barber show". (This one actually exists, BTW, at Sarinah.) --@scribbler74

When the barber's dressed as Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, and it isn't even Halloween --@halief

When the barber dresses like Edward the Scissorhands... THEN tries to pick his nose. --@Silverlines

When the barber himself is compiling tweets about #barbershopToAvoid. Whilst shaving your head. Using a BlackBerry. --@andry

When its slogan is "Where every haircut is an adventure!" And the barber's sharpening a cutlass. --@naindra84

When the barber menacingly says: "Prepare to be assimilated." #aBitLateForRegrets --@babanyakayril

When the barber says: "I've a baaad feeling about this." --@boxybiru

Ask Mr Indonesian Man: The Driving Test

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 12:32:00 +0000

Q: So what's the deal with Indonesian motorists?

A: What about them?

Q: Crazy.

A: Tsk. Tsk. Look, if you know us long enough, you'll know that we're more than just crazy.

Q: Can I not know, then?

A: Nope. You've brought down the question. So you shall reap the answers yourself. The most effective way to really know Indonesian motorists is from the driving test.

Q: You guys took driving tests to get your driving licenses, right?

A: Not really. What I mean is if we reverse-engineer a driving test from the way we behave on the road, this is what we'll get.

THE ULTIMATE INDONESIAN DRIVING TEST

FOR MOTORCYCLISTS

When a car in front of you starts flashing his left-turn signal, what will you do?
1. Honk
2. Speed up and pass it from its left
3. Pass it from its left WITHOUT speeding up
4. Speed up to pass from its left, brake immediately midway and HONK! HONK! HOOOOOOONK! GOD THAT FEELS GOOD!

When you want to change lanes from left to right, which rearview mirror do you use?
1. Left one
2. Center one
3. What rearview mirror?
4. Ah, you mean this thing I use to comb my hair after a ride?

What is the most important thing to check before picking a helmet?
1. Coolness factor. It sports an awesome pair of antennas
2. Price. It's cheap. The paint gets off after exposed to a little rain? No problem
3. Ergonomic factor. I can throw it easily at other annoying motorists. Especially when it's cheap
4. Stealth. Nobody's looking at you at the parking ar--Oh! You mean my OWN helmet?

What's the maximum allowable number of passengers on a motorcycle (including the rider)?
1. Four
2. Five
3. As long as the motorbike still moves
4. Does a goat count as one? Or two?

What should you do when your headlight's out of order?
1. Take the motorcycle for a spin
2. With passengers
3. At night
4. After making sure the brake's not working either
5. All of the above

FOR CAR DRIVERS

When you want to turn into an intersection and a car in your way stops to let you move first, what'll you do in return for courtesy?
1. HOOOOONK! Loser!
2. I'll blind the driver's eyes by flashing my headlights on the high beam
3. Act like I'M the one doing him a favor
4. All of the above

How loud should you set your stereo?
1. Until everybody in the radius of 20 meters can hear the lyrics to Sir Mixx-A-Lot's Baby's Got Back
2. Until I couldn't hear the police officer knocking on my window
3. Until I see a pedestrian's ear dripping blood
4. Until SETI contacts me to stop because aliens from Alpha Centaury have been asking what did us humans mean by "Get Outta My Dreams and Get Into My Car"?

On interprovincial highways, the emergency lane should only be used...
1. ...at all times
2. ...religiously
3. ...to pass other cars
4. ...while honking
5. All of the above

Things you could do while driving (you can pick more than one):
1. Eat. Drink. Be merry
2. Apply make-up
3. Make a phone call
4. Text a friend so at least someone will know when I...
5. ...have an accident

How many people should be in the car when you're driving into a 3-in-1 area?
1. Wait! I need to see the jockey's fingers. Two fingers. Plus me, that'll be... three!
2. Look, I can't drive, check my Blackberry and count at the same time!
3. Okay, fine! If you won't give me a clue, I'll just circle around the small roads to get to my destination

FOR BOTH

You do realize that in Indonesia, we're driving on the left lane?
1. Not really. Why?
2. My left, or your left?
3. What's the difference?
4. Ooh! Ooh! That's the opposite of the lane where there's a lot of vehicles going our way, right? We call it the boring lane, where everyone rarely screams. Or shouts.

When is it an acceptable time to honk?
1. When we stop in front of our houses and wait for someone to open the gate, even though it's 2 in the morning and we're not handicapped or sufferring from heavy allergic attacks from opening gates ourselves
2. When the vehicle in front of us stops
3. When the vehicle in front of us moves
4. When there's even no vehicle in front of us
5. All of the above

What is the main source of traffic problems?

FOR MOTORCYCLISTS:
1. Cars
2. Cars
3. Cars
4. Cars
FOR CAR DRIVERS:
1. Motorcycles
2. Motorcycles
3. Motorcycles
4. Motorcycles

Indonesian Presidential Debate (in Five Minutes)

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 12:42:00 +0000

INT. DEBATE ROOM - NIGHT

We see the three candidates; CANDIDATE #A, CANDIDATE #B and CANDIDATE #C, standing behind their lecterns.

The MODERATOR stands in front of them, just like a quiz show, the only difference is the MODERATOR knows he doesn't have to be entertaining because the viewers already have low expectations anyway.

MODERATOR:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is the greatest moment in Indonesian history of democracy. And I know millions people've awaited to see this live broadcast, therefore I'll start by wasting the first tens of minutes with an unconvincing monologue.

Fifteen minutes later...

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
...Not that there's anything wrong with our democracy. Before this, we've already had some kind of democracy, where anybody could speak up anything they want--

CANDIDATE #A:
As long as they have a death wish.

MODERATOR:
Excuse me?

CANDIDATE #A:
No, I won't.

MODERATOR:
Uhm... Anyway. Where was I?

CANDIDATE #B & #C:
Democracy.

CANDIDATE #A:
(covers the spoken word in a fake sneeze)
Repression.

MODERATOR:
Bless you. Right, democracy. We're enjoying it now, as we speak, for we can voice out any opinions--

CANDIDATE #C:
As long as you're up for some libel charges.

MODERATOR:
(annoyed)
We'll cover that topic in a moment.

CANDIDATE #A:
See! The government always cover things up!

CANDIDATE #B:
He did NOT say "cover up". He said "cover". And he's NOT part of the government. He's hired by the media.

CANDIDATE #C:
And by the way, you WERE part of the government, you know?

CANDIDATE #A:
The good kind.

CANDIDATE #B:
And you're basing that claim on...?

CANDIDATE #A:
Because our campaign contains the word "people" more than yours.

CANDIDATE #C:
Well, MY campaign quotes well-known muslim leaders.

CANDIDATE #A:
Did it contain the word "people"?

CANDIDATE #C:
Not in particular...

CANDIDATE #A:
BEGONE, EVIL!

MODERATOR:
ORDER, PLEASE!

CANDIDATE #B:
You don't need to shout.

MODERATOR:
I'm sorry. But can we go on with the debate now, please?

THE THREE CANDIDATES nod.

MODERATOR:
Good. First question, "What do you think about corruption?" Candidate #A?

CANDIDATE #A:
We're doing fine. It's no big deal.

MODERATOR:
Let me simplify it: are you for or against corruption?

CANDIDATE #A:
Oh, corruption! NOOO! NO! It's bad. It's bad.

CANDIDATE #C:
Objection! Unoriginal. Those are taken from a Michael Jackson's song.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #C, this is NOT an American trial. You'll have your say. Continue on.

CANDIDATE #A:
I think we need to enforce discipline to fight against corruption.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #B, do you agree?

CANDIDATE #B:
What exactly are you expecting? Me answering, "No, I'm for corruption, really. Way to go, I say!" Is that it?

MODERATOR:
You're saying you're for corruption?

CANDIDATE #B:
Of course not! I'm against it!

MODERATOR:
How about you, CANDIDATE #C? Do you agree?

CANDIDATE #C:
I agree...

MODERATOR:
Good.

CANDIDATE #C:
(mutters)
...that we need a moderator who can actually think for a change.

MODERATOR:
What's that?

CANDIDATE #C:
(smiles)
We need change in this country.

MODERATOR:
Oh... kay. Candidate #B, do you agree?

CANDIDATE #B groans.

MODERATOR:
Is that a "yes" or a "no"?

SFX: BELLS ringing.

MODERATOR:
Ah. Saved by the bell. That concludes our first segment. We'll see you after this break.

--COMMERCIAL BREAK STARTS--

The CANDIDATES' CONSULTANTS rush to the stage. Each CONSULTANT briefs his CANDIDATE for what to say and do.

CONSULTANT #A:
(to CANDIDATE #A)
Great job! Great job! Say "people" more often. Try something like, "It's a nice weather today. Good for the people."

CANDIDATE #A nods.

CONSULTANT #B:
(to CANDIDATE #B)
Punch to get out! Punch to get o--sorry, old habits. I mean, show more expression. People actually like CANDIDATE #C for being expressive. Try giving a wider smile.

CANDIDATE #B:
You mean, now?

CONSULTANT #B:
Yes. Try it.

CANDIDATE #B grins broadly.

CONSULTANT #B (CONT'D):
(loooooooong pause)
Okay, now don't EVER do that again.

CANDIDATE #B:
But you said...

CONSULTANT #B:
Forget what I said. You're good as it is.

CANDIDATE #B nods.

CONSULTANT #C:
(to CANDIDATE #C)
The polls are in! They like you better when you're talking while walking around the stage. So we prepare these for you.

CANDIDATE #C:
What are these?

CONSULTANT #C:
A skipping rope, a unicycle and a juggling ball. Try to use them nonchalantly.

CANDIDATE #C nods.

THE CREW prepares for the next segment. All CONSULTANTS walk away briskly from the stage.

--COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS--

A new MODERATOR steps in.

MODERATOR:
Let's continue on.

CANDIDATE #B:
Why the sudden change?

CANDIDATE #C:
Anything wrong?

CANDIDATE #A:
What change? Oh, he changes his hair.

CANDIDATE #B:
He's now a SHE.

CANDIDATE #C:
And she's a different person, if you noticed.

CANDIDATE #A:
Of course I noticed. I always observe the people around me.

CONSULTANT #A gives a thumb up.

MODERATOR:
I thank you for the kind attention. But we know it's not about me. It's about you, lady and gentlemen. So there are a couple of changes to make the discussion more interesting. Indonesian people need to be able to decide after watching this, don't you agree?

CANDIDATE #C:
Yes.

CANDIDATE #A:
I look forward to endorse what the people want.

CONSULTANT #A gives two thumbs up.

CANDIDATE #B:
Here we go again.

MODERATOR:
Now, now... I'm different from my predecessor. Observe.

The MODERATOR pushes a button on her lectern. Three huge speakers rise behind the CANDIDATES, who look wary about them.

MODERATOR:
Don't be alarmed. Behind you are what we call the Truth Enforcers. From your tone of voice, it detects whether you're telling the truth or not. And should it detect any other than truth, it'll respond by a blaring alarm. Any question?

The CANDIDATES give each other looks, but say nothing.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
Good. Let's stop beating around the bush. What will be your focus programs for economic development and how are you going to measure your success?

CANDIDATE #B:
I think our main focus should lie on the small to medium enterprises. We've allocated up to forty trillions rupiahs to help funding their businesses. I'm proud to say that we've reduced the number of poverty by 2.21 millions. We've successfully--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #B has to hold on to the lectern because of the shock.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #C?

CANDIDATE #C:
(also a bit shocked watching what happened to CANDIDATE #B)
Uhm. Right. I think we're not reaching our target, yet.

CANDIDATE #C waits. No alarm. CANDIDATE #C breathes in a relief and continues.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
I think we can do better. We can do a LOT better.

Getting more confident, CANDIDATE #C starts juggling some balls.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
And should I be elected, I'll do something different t--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #C falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:
I was afraid of that. Candidate #A?

CANDIDATE A looks very calm and composed; completely unfazed.

CANDIDATE #A:
I think--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #A also falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:
Looks like that's it for tonight, folks. We may have to continue this several times before we realize that we'll still be deciding by how they talk. Not what their programs are.

The CONSULTANTS are rushing to the stage to help the CANDIDATES.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
We'll now switch to the debate between the candidates' spokespersons, where they're going to repeat most what've been said. But with louder volume. Because after all we need the entertainment. And I'm sure we can learn something from--

SPEAKER (O.S.):
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CAMERA-VIEW falls to the ground.

STATIC.

FADE TO BLACK.

END.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (in Five Minutes)

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sat, 16 May 2009 15:52:00 +0000

Spoiler alert! (Like you'd ever listen.)

LITTLE LOGAN sees his father killed by VICTOR'S FATHER.

LITTLE LOGAN:
(in a mock Chinese accent)
You killed my father! Wolverine-style claw stab!

VICTOR'S FATHER:
AAAGH!
(inbetween heavy breaths)
Log, I'm your vahder.

LITTLE VICTOR:
And I'm your brother. Brothers look out for each other.

LITTLE LOGAN:
Figures. I just have to come from a dysfunctional family, don't I? And what's with the stale, overused jokes appearing even before the first minute of this parody?

LITTLE VICTOR:
To better fit the stale, overused storyline appearing in this movie.

LITTLE LOGAN:
Touche'.

All grown up in just one scene, VICTOR and LOGAN proceed to kick southern army's butts while getting shot. They don't die.

VICTOR and LOGAN kick vietcongs' butts and shield each other from bullets with their own bodies. They don't die.

VICTOR and LOGAN kick their own comrades' butts and get sentenced to death. But they don't die.

STRYKER:
You guys have a special gift.

LOGAN:
Where've you been all these years, Captain Obvious?

STRYKER:
Use your gifts for your country!

VICTOR:
By slaughtering people mindlessly according to your whims?

STRYKER:
Yes, with all expenses paid off and every innocents killed counted as tax deduction.

VICTOR:
Where do I sign?

LOGAN:
Victor. We need to read the small prints, first.

STRYKER:
No worries, they just say that we do not have a health plan.

VICTOR:
No biggie. We can't die anyway.

Superhuman massacres ensue.

LOGAN:
Okay, I can't take it anymore. I'm out.

VICTOR:
Logan! You can't just walk out.

LOGAN:
And why not?

STRYKER:
You need to submit a resignation letter at least thirty days in advance.

LOGAN:
I'll mail it to you.

Six years later...

...LOGAN has a daily job, a house on the top of a hill, and a romantic partner named KAYLA.

LOGAN:
(to KAYLA)
What do I do to deserve you, who's willing to sleep with someone who can accidentally stab you to death everytime he has a nightmare?

KAYLA:
(under her coughs)
Stay ignorant.

LOGAN:
Are you okay?

KAYLA:
I'm fine, Love. I won't die even when my heart appears to stop and my shirt's full of blood.

LOGAN:
Sometimes you say the strangest things.

KAYLA:
And that reminds me, there's this story about Wolverine.

LOGAN:
What about it?

KAYLA:
It's just an excuse for your name later. Just remember that wolverines howl. Not cry or shout. Howl.

The next day at work...

STRYKER:
Hi, Logan. Just stopping by to tell you that our men are being killed one by one.

LOGAN:
Get the hell out of my life.

Then LOGAN finds traces of VICTOR. At the same time, VICTOR's stopping KAYLA's car.

VICTOR:
Get out of the car, Missy. LOGAN has to find your body in an open area. So the camera can zoom out in high speed while he did the traditional tragic howl.

LOGAN does that, finds VICTOR and gets beaten to a pulp.

VICTOR:
You know what happens to a bad little brother?

LOGAN:
NO! NOT AN ATOMIC WEDGIE! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!

As a bonus, VICTOR also broke LOGAN's claws.

STRYKER:
Hi, Logan. Just stopping by to tell you that we can help you beat Victor.

STRYKER:
With skeletal adamantium, you're now indestructible! Nobody can kill you now.

WOLVERINE:
Good. You can call me Wolverine from now on.
(runs away)
Bye.

STRYKER:
(to his minion, ZERO)
Kill him!

ZERO:
I'm SO screwed.

He is.

WOLVERINE:
Wow. This adamantium makes me gain some weight.

WOLVERINE finds VICTOR and suddenly becomes much faster and more agile, even though the opposite should've applied since adamantium is heavier, not lighter than regular bones.

WOLVERINE owns VICTOR. For no apparent reason (logically acceptable, at least), GAMBIT interrupts.

GAMBIT, INTERRUPTED:
You won't take me alive!

WOLVERINE owns GAMBIT, INTERRUPTED.

GAMBIT:
May I interest you in a free travel package to an exotic island inhabited by people you wish to terminate? It has a nuclear reactor, armed guards and mutants.

WOLVERINE:
North Korea?

GAMBIT:
Nope. That's a peninsula. An island is an area of land surrounded by water. Remember that before we go.

WOLVERINE gets to the island and finds KAYLA alive.

KAYLA:
I don't want to say I told you so.

STRYKER:
She can even persuade anybody to do what she says, as long as she touches him.

WOLVERINE:
Was that why I developed the urge to leave the toiled lid up?

KAYLA:
That's only because you used to spray your urine in the bathroom like you were marking the place. No pun intended.

WOLVERINE:
DAMN IT! Was that also why I like trying your underwears?

KAYLA:
No. That's just you.

VICTOR appears, fights WOLVERINE and gets stomped again.

KAYLA:
Logan! You're not an animal, I really love you and I'm not saying this just because I want you to save my sister. Not just because I want you to save my sister. You to save my sister. Save my sister.

WOLVERINE:
Save your energy. I'll save her anyway. I'm the likable antihero, remember?

STRYKER:
Well this one's different. Slay them!

WEAPON XI aka DEADPOOL enters. WOLVERINE and VICTOR team up to beat him. VICTOR leaves. In the meantime, KAYLA got a fatal wound.

STRYKER shoots WOLVERINE in the head with adamantium bullets.

STRYKER:
Your brain may regenerate, but your memory won't come back so this movie will actually be a consistent prequel.

DYING KAYLA:
(touches STRYKER to use her power of persuasion)
I won't make you shoot yourself because that'll make us the same as you. Walk away, and keep walking until your feet bleed.

STRYKER walks and walks... until he drowns because this IS an island after all and the dictionary defines an island as "an area of land _surrounded_ by water."

DYING KAYLA:
As I said, we're not the same as you. We're meaner.

WOLVERINE wakes up.

WOLVERINE:
Dude, where's my memory?

Police cars and sirens can be heard getting near, even though it's an island which is supposed to be _surrounded_ by water.

DEADPOOL comes back to life and shushes the audience.

END.

FEMALE AUDIENCE WHO LIKE BODY HAIR AND SICKPACKS:
COOOOOL!

OTHER AUDIENCE:
What the--?

__________

Previously, In Five Minutes: Se7en.

General Election: A Long Leap of Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 03:31:00 +0000

At Jalan Dipati Ukur Bandung, there's a place which sells delicious gado-gado. Several years ago, a great fire burned the place down, along with several houses besides it.^[1] Some of the fire even leapt across the street and singed some roofs.

The government said that the buildings on Jalan Dipati Ukur don't comply to the city's building code and regulations. They're jointed walls-to-walls, providing easy targets for spreading flames.

Only several months after that, a new facility was constructed near the site of fire. A restaurant? Nope. A fire department? You couldn't be more wrong.

It was a gas station.

I couldn't help imagining the discussion went on something like this:

Officials #1: Dang! Jalan Dipati Ukur is dangerously susceptible to fire!

Officials #2: Yes. We need to build something which will lower the chance of incidents. Something that's resistant to fire, for instance.

Officials #1: How about a place which sells gasoline?

Officials #2: Sounds great!

This is just one example of the "common" sense displayed by our government.

And that's the thing about 2009 General Election. Today (April 9th 2009), us Indonesians are supposed to elect our representatives for the local and national legislative bodies (those who make the rules). However, what we also need are executive bodies (those who make daily decisions based on the rules) who can think straight.

Problems are:

We can't see (and haven't seen) how better representatives in the legislative bodies will lead to more competent people in the executive bodies

What's worse, we can't see how there could be better representatives in the legislative bodies, when their campaign posters look like they're selling fried chickens, assimilating themselves with imaginary figures like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings and Mr. Bean (the latter isn't exactly popular because of his intelligence) or gladly showing that they're still babies.

As long as those two problems exist, voting in the General Election will always be a long leap of faith and have worse percentages than gambling. So if you'll excuse me, I need to get my dice before going to the voting booth.

__________________________

[1]: The place reopened only a month after the fire, which shows how tenacious we can get sometimes.

Be A Right Hero: Return Any Stolen Vehicle

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:16:00 +0000

When Music Critics Make Toys

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:09:00 +0000

Don't forget to collect the next series: Toys with Lyrical Lyrics!

The Keyword is "Pleasure," Not "Knowledge"

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 13:37:00 +0000

Family Values

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 03:20:00 +0000

Family values play vital roles in our social interco--uh, interaction. For instance, many Javanese families share one similar tradition with the Italians: reporting every major occurences to the elder(s).

The difference is there's no Godfather. We do need to touch the elder's hand or cheek to show respect. But failure to do so doesn't result in dramatic consequences. It's pure social relationship. We do it because we think it's natural. Sometimes the situation is far lighter than we expect.

Like the story of a friend of mine, Arga. He had recently got his postgraduate title. They attended a family gathering at his uncle's house. The eldest one present was his grandfather, 93 year old of age. So his parents urged him, "You must convey the good news to your grandfather."

Arga was reluctant. "I don't think it's necessary," he said. "Grandpa won't even remember it."

Yet his parents insisted. "Don't be silly," they said.

Knowing he couldn't convince them otherwise, Arga approached the elder, who was sitting in a comfy chair, "Grandpa?"

"Yes?" his grandfather answered. Suddenly, he looked around in amazement. "What hotel am I at?"

***

Another friend of mine, Andry, experienced similar thing with Arga's grandfather. During one occurence, the grandfather beckoned Andry and asked, "So you're a friend of Arga?"

It took Andry a while before answering, "Yes."

A long silence passed. Then the grandfather frowned, "I've asked that question before, haven't I?"

"Yes," nodded Andry immediately.

I Want to Ride My Bacangcycle

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 01:54:00 +0000

Many food peddlers offer their wares around my neighborhood. They usually push around a cart, carry their stuff on foot or bring them on their bikes.

One particular peddler rides around on his bicycle, selling bacangs.^[1] He shouts about his wares with a certain rhythm, like a chant, "Bacang, baaacaaaang. Caaaang, baaaacang!" He has a lot of customers in my hood. I'm not sure whether his chant works the charm or his bacangs are that good.

He got so successful, three months ago he rode in a brand new motorcycle. Yet, his sales dropped. Because then, every time a neighbor heard his "Bacang, baaa--" and came out of the house, he only saw flying dust and heard a faint "caaaaang...." somewhere.

In the distance. Out of sight.

Yesterday I saw the bacang peddler, back on his old bicycle.

___________________

[1]: A traditional Chinese food which is popular in Indonesia. Read: bah-cahng. Some people spell it as bakcang, but it's still pronounced the same way. This makes bacang a wonderful entry for a spelling bee.

Here's a nice site with its recipe.

Greet, Shake Hands, Score!

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 10:15:00 +0000

A nationwide publication submitted an English article about Dos and Don'ts in Indonesia for the development of a certain tourism site. The poorly translated article betrayed their reputation. One of the insiders (who will remain anonymous for the obvious reason) sent me the exhibit A below.

This gives the phrase "socialize with the locals" a broader definition.

On the other hand, "Toast Is Not Generally Accepted" is a good name for a movie by Garin Nugroho.

___________

UPDATE: Another anonymous person objected that "social intercourse" is an acceptable term. Apparently he's right (judging by the amount of popular searches on Google) and I'm just an ignoramus on this term.

The joke's on me.

Dogs Will Be Dogs

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 12:54:00 +0000

When I visited Bukittinggi, a small, beautiful town in West Sumatra, last December, I noticed an unusually large amount of dogs being walked around by their owners.

Why unusual? The majority of local residents are Muslims, who normally don't keep dogs as pets. For the unenlightened, a dog's saliva is considered haram (in a dirty kind of sense) in Muslim teachings. Not that we'd be so eager to kiss those dogs in the lips if we were taught otherwise.

This phenomenon piqued my interests enough to ask around. And I got a straight and simple answer.

Apparently, they use dogs to sniff out and hunt for wild boars. These boars might attack people and destroy crops. And using attack dogs is the most efficient way to hunt them down, since using firearms is illegal. Fighting wild boars head on with sharp weapons like spears may sound cool. But not if you know that it will make your chance to survive become lower than doing Russian Roulette.

For your information: boars are also considered haram. So in a way, it's like choosing a lesser evil.

Okay, that answered one part of the questions. There was this other part that still haunted me: but why so many dogs around? Are there also that many wild boars? A native answered, "No." Why, then?

The answer proved to be simpler:

Boars aren't the only things these dogs sniff.

________________

Photo credits: the ever observant Adhi Rachdian.

Meet the Elite Book Reader

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:26:00 +0000

Real-life Stories from the Open Source Software Frontline

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 18:16:00 +0000

I spoke at the Open Source Software (OSS) Week seminar yesterday (December 6th). At Auditorium IPTEKS Institut Teknologi Bandung, four speakers, including yours truly, shared their experiences in OSS socialization.

Two cases worth noted (the dialogs and scenes are imaginary, but the situations were real):

#1: The Police are holding sudden inspections; sometimes so sudden, they forgot to give proper know-hows to their own officers. An OSS-using guy got dragged in such inspection. His notebook used Linux as its operating system. The officer gave a hard look and asked, "Where's the license?"

The guy was taken aback, "License? You mean like an authentication label? It's Linux. An open source software. You don't need that."

"Sorry. You've got to have a license." Thus the officer took the notebook as evidence.

#2: Another guy brought his friend some CDs containing applications. The friend noticed some of the applications are proprietary. He warned, "You might get in trouble if you install these in your notebook, y'know?"

"Why?"

"Well, they're pirated, for one."

The guy took it personally, "They ARE NOT! They're legal! I bought them fair and square! I even got the receipt right here!"

The friend took a glance. It was a receipt for "3 CDs - Rp15,000." (Below US$1.5).

____________

If you're among the OSS socialization frontliners, you might laugh. But the joke's on you: these are the guys you should aim your campaigns at.

Caption Writing Madness #6: Want More Excitement in Your Flight?

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:26:00 +0000

Try getting in one of the airplanes which just got inspected by technicians who looked like they also had no clue. Hellooo... adrenaline rush!

Back to caption writing. Let's see how this one turns out.

"Eeny, meeny, miny..."

Penny for your thoughts?

"Guys, are you sure this latch should be open?"

"The reset button should be around here somewhere..."

--submitted by Bapak Ranger

"C'mon, brain, think... think... it should be under 'R' for 'Reassembling.'"

--suggested by Mbak Poppy.

You know you're in trouble when you're inspecting a plane and you have to consult a history book.

--suggested by Wikan.

(to the microphone) "Attention: all flight crew, pack your parachutes for this flight."

--suggested by Vina

"Tower One, whaddya mean, I can't authorize a flight delay due to 'finding a perfect nap spot'?"

--suggested by Haris

Note to self: next time, try the red wire.

--suggested by Roel

"So this is where everything from the toilet ends up."

"Tahu gini, gue dulu sekolah camat aja..."

--submitted by Pip

"Guys, I think we should return those bolts we 'borrowed' last week."

--suggested Richoz

Testing the trapdoor for instant plane weight-reducing in case of emergency.

"I wish I didn't skip 'Jet Engine 101'."

--submitted by Umar

"I hate it when Superman stows away in our plane and then forgets to close the hatch!"

"Hmmm, I know I left that wrench in here some where...."

--submitted by Ultratupai

__________________________

Previous Madness: A Roaring Hair Day.

This Mid-December...

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:17:00 +0000

... you won't see these movies the same way again.

Resident Evil, Underworld, Mengejar Mas Mas, and many more. Fifteen movies parodied in freeform movie scripts, complete with illustration.

"The consequences [are brutal], you could never watch these movies again and keep a straight face."

-–David Poernomo, movie director and producer

Even Rocky Balboa is not impervious to ridicule.

Parodi Film Seru: 15 Skenario Gokil. Available in major Indonesian bookstores.

For preordering information, click here.

And The Audience Goes Wild!

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 03:21:00 +0000

New Amenity: Reality TV Redefined

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 15:50:00 +0000

Last week I stayed in a four-star hotel in Manado. After enjoying a huge dinner, I spent several minutes lazing around in my room, switching TV channels. Saw II was on one of the channels--people vomitting blood. Switch. Indonesian News channels showing dead bodies. Switch.

Suddenly, channel 25 caught my attention. The screen only showed one particular scene. And a familiar one at that: the hotel lobby.

I couldn't believe my eyes. It's a direct feed from the hotel's security camera! And before I could really chew it, I switched to channel 26 and whoala!--another direct feed; showing the swimming pool!

What is this? Voyeur Channel?

Maybe the management intended to include this as a special service. All they needed to do was putting a brochure in every room, saying, "Dear Esteemed Guests, should you expect a company, ask him to wait in the lobby. Let him wait a couple of minutes. If he picks his nose or scratches his crotch, be advised to wear gloves before meeting him downstairs."

What? Did I use the channel to view the pool the next day? No. I'd seen all the other guests during breakfast. Them in swimwears? I'd rather watch Saw II.

Well, It's YOUR Password

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 04:07:00 +0000

My office held a series of blogging workshops for small business owners in tourism industry. During a session, the participants were advised to change their passwords.

One guy in the side row just stared at the screen with a frown.

I approached him, "Any difficulties, Sir?"

He pointed at his screen, which shows the hint for creating a strong password.

"Does this mean I have to use swear words?" he asked.

Action, Romance, Desire...

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:37:00 +0000

There won't be any in this book.

...But I could be wrong. Crashing bookstores in December 2008.

Blogging Drought: Book Project

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 13:28:00 +0000

Three and a half months without an update. It's a wonder why you guys are still visiting. Thanks for that.

Here's the reason for the lack of posts: I'm going to publish one particular category of the blog as book. A hint: it's the category which's suddenly missing almost all of its posts.

The book will be in Bahasa Indonesia. Of course, it'll be more than just a translation of the stuff. Expect lots of revamps; more action (in more ways than one); and more silly commentaries disguised as dialogs. (Wow. More hints!)

I'm also thinking of adding illustrations and stuff. Stay tuned!

Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture Title...

noreply@blogger.com (Isman H. Suryaman) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:55:00 +0000

..."Dude, I Can't Talk, I'm Being Chased by the Police!"

Possible Hot Topic for Researchers

Men who eat a lot of tofus AND watermelons. (Bonus research point: a gas mask--yay or nay?)

A Wake Up Call for Elvis Fans

The King was NOT abducted by the aliens. He just went back in time.

A 1,800-year-old relic found in a Roman coffin as a solid evidence.

UPDATE

Guess who was also featured on an ancient Egyptian tomb?

Yes, The King of Pop.