The Gangster of L'Oeuf

The Mud Cat

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Mon, 5 Jun 2017 09:01:00 -0400

Today marks the day the Geauga Park District announces their winners for the 22nd Annual Nature Writing Contest. As my piece did not win, I have decided to post it here instead so you all may read it. The winners may be read here: [1] [2] [3]

The Mud Cat

Jacob P. Silvia

Barry had decided to treat himself to a challenge. His hiking boots were now broken in, so when he picked his route through the woods, he picked one he had never done before. It promised lots of up- and down-hill steps, narrow paths, and the best thing of all: complete solitude.

As he walked down the trail, he took in the fresh smells of spring. The earth was loamy with a recent rain. That, mixed with the scent of maple and pine energized him on his trek. He took a deep breath, enjoying it.

When he reached the top of a hill, he rested beside a gulch and took a moment to appreciate the engulfing nature. He closed his eyes and listened. He listened to the wind rustling the leaves, the birds calling in the distance, and the panicked meows of a cat.

That didn’t seem right. He listened again. Sure enough, another pitiful meow echoed through the forest. He followed the sound until he came to the edge of the gulch. In the distance below, he saw the creature making the cries. The cat was covered in mud, and trying in vain to scale the wall of the ravine. He looked up and down the gulch, but close-packed rocks prevented much travel in either direction.

Barry pulled out his phone, ready to dial the ranger’s office. His phone, however, told him that it had no service. The cat meowed again.

Scanning the edge of the ravine, he looked for the best way down. A combination of tree roots and rocks line the wall. He gave the nearest root a tentative step. It seemed sturdy enough, so he proceeded downwards. All the while, the cat meowed at him.

When he climbed to the bottom, he hopped from the wall, his boots making a wet smack in the mud. The cat backed away from him.

“Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,” he called, wiggling his fingers together as he did this. “Tsk, tsk, tsk.”

The cat meowed, but still kept its distance.

Barry reached into his pack. He pulled out a stick of jerky. From this, he tore off a small chunk and tossed it to the cat. The cat backed away further when it landed, but after a moment, slowly crept towards the piece of jerky. After a brief sniff, the meat disappeared into the cat’s mouth. Barry watched as the cat gnawed the piece on its back teeth. When it had finished, it looked up at him and gave another meow, this one less frightened.

He tossed another piece, which the cat ate. After repeating this several times, the cat had managed to wander within arms’ length of Barry. He crouched down, and while making soft cooing sounds, scooped up the cat. The cat began to wiggle and squirm, but another piece or two of jerky gave it sufficient reassurance.

Clutching the muddy cat to his chest, he began his ascent. It took much longer to scale the gulch wall, being as one hand was occupied with cat wrangling, but soon, he had made it near the top. However, once his head, and the cat’s head, poked over the wall, the cat sprung from his arm, pushing off of Barry’s shoulders as it leapt.

This caused Barry to stagger back. Reaching out and grabbing at the closest thing he could, he clutched at a nearby root. This, however, being pulled with such unfamiliar force, fell free from the dirt wall. Waving his hands and knocking forth more roots and rocks, he fall backwards. After a short fall, he landed with a splat in the mud. His ankle hurt, sprained from the fall, leaving him unable to stand.

He sighed, the cold, wet mud seeping into his clothes. A slight meow echoed from above. He looked up. The muddy cat’s head peered over the edge. It meowed again, almost as a question.

“I’m all right,” Barry said. “Just hurt my ankle.” He let his gaze drift down the gulch wall, fresh holes indicating where climbable roots and rocks once protruded.

The cat sat down at the edge and began cleaning the mud from itself. When it had made satisfactory progress, it gave one more meow before disappearing down the trail. Once it was gone, Barry looked around the gulch floor, trying to find anything that might help him out of this mess.

He sighed.

My Crackpot Han Solo Theory (and Bonus Crackpot Predictions for Episodes VIII and IX)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 12:00:00 -0500

I just recently watched the new Star Wars movie. Now, I’m not a huge Star Wars fan, but I do have a strong foundation upon which my Star Wars fandom is built upon. For example, I grew up watching the original trilogy. Every time Lucasfilm released a new edition, I’d usually get it (and only if I could get it in Widescreen). I would watch the movies when they’d play them on TV, even though I could skip the commercials by watching my own copy. I even read a lot of the books and comics and whatnot. At my last job, there was a company-wide Star Wars trivia contest, and I won.

But I don’t consider myself a huge Star Wars fan. I don’t have any of my action figures anymore. Really, the only Star Wars ephemera I still have are my Star Wars CCGs, which I stopped collecting after I realized it was getting expensive (I have two Yodas, FWIW). I also have each movie on DVD. However, I haven’t seen things like the Holiday Special, or the Droids/Ewoks cartoons. I saw the movie with Wilford Brimley in it, but only once. And I haven’t seen the Clone Wars or Rebels series.

So, I’m not a huge fan. Right? Still, I’m probably more of a fan than most people. Thus, it’s with these credentials I present my crackpot theory regarding Han Solo. Keep in mind that I will be openly discussing the events in The Force Awakens, so be warned.

After watching TFA, I’m left with conflicting emotions. I liked Han Solo, and now we’re strongly led to believe he’s dead. And while I lean in that direction, I have a few problems digesting that tough bit of cheese.

Han’s death, while predictable, also was presented in a way similar to Sirius Black’s death in the film adaptation of The Order of the Phoenix, that is, presented in a way to tone down the true emotional grit of what’s happening, to the point where people make crackpot theories regarding how that character is still alive.

I know Han’s dead now, at least, I have to believe that. Otherwise, I’ll get disappointed to have it confirmed later. But the part of me that wants to deny it spent a good chunk of time this weekend figuring out how Han survived.

In the movie, we see Han get stabbed with a lightsaber, and then flung into a chasm. Within the hour (or a similar short length of time), the entire planet blows up. In order for Han to survive this mess, a few things would have to be true:

The lightsaber wound wasn’t fatal
The fall wasn’t fatal
The planet didn’t blow him up too

So, we’re left with a particularly chunky predicament if we want to prove that he’s still alive. The simplest, yet least plausible way to explain it away is this:

The Han that died was a clone.

No, that’s stupid. That totally takes away the gravitas of the whole scene. And I would think Kylo Ren would know the difference. Sorry for even coming up with that theory. That’s not my theory. Mulligan!

An actual, reasonable crackpot theory is instead this:

Han made a lot of enemies, as can be seen shortly after his meeting with Rey and Finn.
Some enemies are offering a large sum for Han solo.
“He’s no good to me dead.”
Wait, who said that?

Are you ready for this?

Han get stabbed with a lightsaber. It misses all of his vital organs. He falls down a chasm. A man, about the same age as him, wearing a battle damaged set of green armor and a jetpack, flies past at the last minute, grabs the falling Han, and spirits him away to his lamp post bulb-shaped ship, which we’ll call Slave II. The ship leaves the planet, and onwards to fulfill the bounty.

Yes, that’s right, Boba Fett saved Han.

This of course assumes that Fett survived the events of Jedi. Search your heart, you know it to be true.

Let me walk you through it from Fett’s point of view. After Han’s escape aboard the Millennium Falcon, one of his creditors gets so ticked off that he posts a ridiculous bounty. This attracts all the bounty hunters of any merit, but also attracts the attention of Fett. Han is the one that got away. This is the thing that will redeem him, if not to the others, then at least to himself.

Since the Falcon is the loudest ship in the galaxy, it’s fairly easy to find. Fett tracks it to Starkiller Base. After the shields go down, he makes his approach. He follows Han to the generator, where he lies in wait, possibly down the shaft, ready to swoop in and get his quarry. However, due to his daddy situation, he totally understands letting Han and Ren have their moment, and maybe he too thinks that Ren has turned over a new leaf. Though I doubt that.

Ren stabs Han, and since this is a long time before OSHA started monitoring workplace safety conditions, he tosses him over the handrail-free platform, into the chasm below. Distracted by a raging Wookie, nobody sees Fett catch Han, get to his ship, then escape the planet before it asplode.

In his ship, he stabilizes Han enough to get him to the highest paying customer and seek some form of closure over a shadow that had lingered over his Mandalorian visage for the past three decades.

While this probably isn’t true, it’s really the best way I could figure out how Han was still alive.

Now, for my crackpot predictions:

I previously thought that Rey was Ren’s twin sister (look at the poster!). Not so sure anymore. I think now they might actually be cousins, withLuke being her father. It makes sense, as each Star Wars trilogy is basically a Tale of a Skywalker. (Also, I bet Mara Jade is her mother.)
Finn has the force. I mean, he used a lightsaber pretty well. There will be an attempt to drag him to the dark side, possibly with information about who he really is (I’m thinking something like The Man with the Thistle-Down Hair’s conversation with Stephen Black in Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, where Finn is Black and Snoke is the Man). He’ll overcome it, obviously.
Kylo Ren will look a bit more like Vader in the next film. By the end of the series, he’ll be a walking hospital ward.
We’ll probably see Lando Calrissian in the next movie, possibly at Han’s funeral. Maybe some other people in Solo’s life, maybe Sana Starros (wait, is she still alive?).
Hopefully we’ll see Fett again, as he tends to make an appearance in the middle movies of each trilogy.
We might see Wedge Antilles again (the actor, Denis Lawson, declined a role in TFA, but maybe would reconsider considering its success).
If we see Han again, as played by Ford, it will almost certainly be in flashbacks (because I know my theory is probably not true). Otherwise, we might see a Han clone in Episode VIII, which will feature the actor selected to play Han in the 2018 film. This will most likely be to make you more accepting of another actor playing Han. VIII should come out in 2017, one year before the Han Solo solo (sic) film.
There will be something much worse than Starkiller Base in Episode IX.
If Han is truly dead, Leia will probably be next.
And then possibly Luke.

Well, that’s all my crackpottery. Feel free to disagree with me as much or as little as you like.

On Hold

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

It was requested of me to halt publication to my blog while I have an ongoing lawsuit. As such, once it is resolved, I shall resume posting. Until then, a million more apologies. So sorry.

Lists Considered Harmful

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 20:10:00 -0400

If you're anything like me, I'm sorry.

Let me provide you a glimpse of my mind: if I start making lists, especially lists of things that are related, or that have sublists, my mind does a crazy spiral off into oblivion until I can get to a good stopping place in my mind.

It's not so bad, as it helps me visualize problems on a larger scale, but at the same time, it's unpredictible, like an elemental force, and I can only direct it and hope it does the right thing

So, if you ever see me sitting there, quiet, and there's something clicking in my head, you can be sure that it's because I made a list recently.

That's all.

Using Layers of Relative Reality to Measure the Validity of Fictional Crossovers

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

What a mouthful… The point of this article is to discuss a matter that causes my brain to overload when it considers the possibilities and implications. That matter is: fictional crossovers. A fictional crossover appears when a character or other identifiable element appears in a different piece of media as that same character.

What prompted this was the concept of the “Tommyverse,” that is, a single show that unites about 90% of television shows, according to certain claims. I find this part of the theory fascinating. I find the part about St. Elsewhere taking place all in Tommy’s mind, therefore all the related shows take place in Tommy’s mind pure poppycock.

For the sake of argument, I’ll define the following terms (and I’ll make them relative to TV series, since that’s my primary focus):

A sequel is a show whose narrative continues the main narrative of the original show, but is itself a different show.
A spinoff is a show that splinters off a character or aspect of the original show. It either runs alongside the original show or can happen much later. It differs from a sequel as it does not follow the core narrative.
A remake is a show that effectively “reboots” the narrative and characters. This may have the same characters, but they are not the “same” characters that appeared on the original show (e.g., they are multiversal aspects of the same character, just placed in a different era).
A crossover is an appearance of a character or other element appearing in its non-native show.
A splinter is a show that, like a spinoff, derives its origin from something else, but unlike a spinoff, does not mutually share the universe with its parent.
An homage is a sort of reference in one show to another media. Whether it establishes a shared universe is yet another matter.^[1]

Now, the important thing to remember in this discussion are things I like to call “layers of relative reality.” I’ll call them “layers” to make things easier. Typically, there are three types of layers:

A sublayer is a layer whose existence is entirely within another layer.
A main layer is a layer in which an entity exists.
A metalayer is a layer that contains the entity’s main layer as a sublayer.

There are also two flavors:^[2]

A shared layer is a layer with multiple observers
A private layer is a layer with only one observer

So, to make it seem less ambiguous, let’s give some examples:

A dream is a private sublayer (as far as I can tell)
A real TV show is a shared sublayer of our main layer
Your life is your main layer.
If you had a life similar to The Truman Show, your life would still be your main layer, and the outside world would be a metalayer.

Okay? Cool. So now, I’m going to break down what I consider a “shared universe.” Here are my rules:

Fan fiction doesn’t count
In fact, only “authorized” or “licensed” matters should count
Parodies don’t count
Dream appearances are hard to justify
Celebrity guest stars are hard to justify
Public domain is hard to justify
It’s easier if the characters make reference to it in their respective shows
Cartoons are okay^[3]
Context matters!!!
All the while, consider the layers

So, let’s take a look at one particular franchise: X-Files.

The show had two spinoffs: Millennium and The Lone Gunmen. Further, it had crossovers with both Homicide: Life on the Street and The Simpsons. If you delve into the comics, you’ll also find crossovers with 30 Days of Night and Ghostbusters.

Let’s analyze this, then. If we assume that characters aren’t multiversal and admit that their appearance on The Simpsons was not parodic (it may have parodied the tropes of X-Files, but it was not exactly a parody of the characters, otherwise they would have names like Sana Dully and Mox Fulder or something. It would be more of a satire). Further, since all the appearances I mentioned were authorized by some authority of X-Files, we can then say that these events all happened on the same sublayer. It’s a no-brainer to say that Millennium and The Lone Gunmen share a universe with X-Files, and it’s just a little more to say it shares a universe with Homicide: Life on the Street (which has crossovers with all those initialism shows: CSI, et al.). Once you get over the hurdle of including Springfield into the mix (and it’s not that hard to assume that the events of The Simpsons could totally happen in the same universe as X-Files), you only have to then assume that there are vampires in Alaska and ghosts in New York.

One thing worth noting on the The Simpsons episode is the appearance of Chewbacca, Gordon Shumway, Marvin the Martian, and Gort. These can safely be argued as “parody,” and therefore, X-Files doesn’t in fact share its universe with Star Wars, ALF, Looney Toons, and The Day the Earth Stood Still, at least, not through this aspect.

Now, let’s look at another show: The Big Bang Theory.

Now, this show is a Chuck Lorre production, as is Two and a Half Men. In both shows there exists another show (a sublayer) Oshikuru: Demon Samurai. This shared sublayer of main layer of the shows. We could then argue that this shared sublayer indicates that two shows are a common main layer (which could be complicated by Sheen’s appearance in The Big Bang Theory). Two and a Half Men also has had crossovers with Dharma and Greg, therefore one could argue that these three shows exist on the same layer.

Now, the main reason why I discount celebrity appearances is because, on some level, most shows are splinters from our main layer, and as such, are likely to have the same celebrities and cities.

The main reason why I discount the public domain is because there is no control over “the canon.” While I really don’t care about “canon,” for the sake of determining “shared universes,” this is important. However, if the same version of a public domain character appears in two different media, then that could arguably link them.

There are few things, though, that break our ability to cleanly show shared universes.

If one show that has a crossover also features people watching the show in which the crossed over (this is hard to argue).
Contradictory things, like if an alien invasion happens on one show but doesn’t even get noticed on the other show.
Quantum silliness, such as time travel and multiverses. These can really mess with a unified argument, as each time you travel through time, you potentially alter the relative future timeline, and you create forks in the space time continuum.

The strange thing that comes from this grand unified theory of television is the fact that there are so many people that look like each other and have the same mannerisms. For example, the Tommyverse can link to both I Love Lucy and The Lucy Show,^[4] which both feature Lucille Ball playing a woman named Lucy complete with Lucyisms, and in both series, she’s friends with a character played by Vivian Vance. It’s a strange world that has both Lucy Ricardo and Lucy Carmichael.

While multiverses help invalidate most claims to a shared universe, it’s handy to have to explain away contradictions. You could say, then that Show X exists in a layer with an aspect of Show Y, but Show Y does not exist on the same layer as Show X.^[5] In many ways, then Show X is a splinter of Show Y, much like most real shows are splinters of our own.

Layers, hopefully, can provide a useful argument tool in determining the validity of a shared universe claim. They are flexible enough to allow for normal use, but also can incorporate multiverses.^[6] I certainly hope that this paradigm allows for more reasonable debate on the subject.

Other shared universes of note beyond the Tommyverse are:

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
The Wold Newton Universe
Anno Dracula

Also, I believe that the writings of Stephen King and his son Joe Hill share a universe, or at least reference each other a whole heck of a lot.

[1] Think, for example, the company Yoyodyne. Originally from a Thomas Pynchon novel, it’s been referenced in Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, Star Trek, and Firefly, but is not necessarily indicating that all these things take part in the same shared universe.

[2] There may be a third flavor, depending on whether or not you consider your present layer “observable” by its residents.

[3] People don’t like to include The Simpsons in the Tommyverse, as it’s a cartoon. I say that if you apply the rules above and argue layers, it’s not that big of a deal. If it helps, just think of the cartoon as a different viewing aspect of a real-life version of the same show.

[4] I Love Lucy to The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour (sequel) to The Danny Thomas Show (The Williams family rents out Lucy’s home once) to The Andy Griffith Show (Andy Taylor arrests Danny Williams in Mayberry) to Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. (spinoff on Gomer Pyle) to The Lucy Show (Gomer Pyle appears in “Lucy Gets Caught up in the Draft”).

[5] Do I need to draw a Venn diagram for that? I think I’d need to use non-euclidean space to do so…

[6] Think about those “what’s different between these two pictures” kind of puzzles you find in childrens’ coloring books.

Book Miner - Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer by C. S. Lewis

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

Overview

I have a plethora of C. S. Lewis books lying around the house (quite literally, as I am currently without bookshelves for my library of several hundred books). Among the stacks of my “green”^[1] books was this thin tome, Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer.

While Lewis is known for his Chronicles of Narnia series, he’s also know as an epistemologist, his letters having been collected in countless tomes. In this book, though, the letters aren’t real. Much akin to the Screwtape Letters, Letters to Malcolm features letters to a guy named Malcolm regarding theological issues and concerns.

I was interested to read this, as while at times Lewis can be an annoying writer, he also makes some excellent points and traverses territory where most Christian authors tend to avoid.

Be mindful that in the discussion that follows, I am most likely going to address some theological issues from the perspective of a theist. If that sort of thing doesn’t appeal to you, you have been warned.

Synopsis

As I mentioned above, this book takes place in a series of letters to a fictional person named Malcolm, and old school chum of the author’s (presumed to be Lewis himself for the purpose of this discussion). While we only see Lewis’ responses, we get a picture of them having a lively discussion of prayer, including the big questions like “Why bother if God already knows what you need?”.

The discussion drifts from speculative to real as one of their close friends suffers a malady, for which they pray.

In the end, Lewis presents Malcolm a wonderful overview of the whys and wherefores of prayer, even if he sometimes ventures into territory that some (i.e., protestants) might consider against what they believe (including an interesting support of the concept of purgatory).

Analysis

I was going to write out an analysis of each chapter, but let’s face it: I’m too busy. Instead, I’ll do my best to cover the things I found interesting and noteworthy in the book.

In one letter, Lewis balances the importance of living a Godly and Christlike life versus observing all the sacraments. While some may see these as mutual things, his point is not to stop observing communion, but instead to not let the observation of communion from getting in the way of making you a good Christian.

In his discussion of “canned” prayer, he made a wonderful allusion to marriage. If you’re no good at writing poems, reading poems to your spouse can be just as romantic. Likewise, in your relationship with God, a canned prayer may be just as sweet to God’s ears as one you laboriously piece together. However, Lewis points out later that this does not mean that prayers are recipes or incantations that get God to give you what you want.

In the Bible, there is a passage about prayer, and how you should lock yourself in your closet and be alone when you pray. Lewis, though, points out something that I too struggle with when I’m alone with myself doing anything: all that silence and solitude is distracting. We need “the right amount of distraction” to help us stay focused. This part really intrigued me, as I could totally relate.

Lewis also covers other aspects, like the Lord’s Prayer (though, unlike Phillip Keller, he does so in a single letter). Things that I thought were interesting were Lewis’ take on the temporal nature of God (That is, the general belief is that God knows the future, and therefore, why do we even pray? God knows what’s going to happen, etc., etc.), as well as Lewis’ claim that we should pray for the dead (something Protestants really don’t do).

The argument for this, as well as for purgatory, were rather interesting, and a little complex. They deal mostly with the difference between “Heaven” and “New Heaven”.

All in all, I enjoyed this book, even if Lewis can be stodgy at times, telling jokes that, let’s face it, only he finds are funny. In the end, though I find epistolary works to be one of the least interesting forms of writing, I found Lewis had a lot interesting and informative things to say.

[1] This is my attempt at humor, to distinguish unread books from read (“red”) books.

The Turkey City Lexicon

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

[Editor’s note: A million apologies for not writing the first chapter of The Gingham Sword. I could explain, but it would sound like an excuse. Assuming my life has a tolerable amount of chaos in it, there SHOULD be one next week, or another million apologies.]

I’m a writer. At least, that’s what I try to be. I started a writer’s critique group in Houston, and I regularly sharpen my writer-fu by reading, reading, reading, and seeing what I like.

My reading shows me what I like in the same way that a car enthusiast would look at cars to see what he or she likes. I like stories that get good mileage, are sleek, quirky, unique, and colorful. I like them to have a nice sound system, and to have some of the cool bells and whistles. If I have to work hard, I want the story to pay off. Stuff like that.

So, in my critiquing and my reviewing, I find myself often citing a particular indispensable tome: The Turkey City Lexicon. I highly suggest you read it, study it, know it, and most of all, follow it, when you write. Of course, much like Kurt Vonnegut’s rules to writers, you are welcome to break these rules, if you have a good reason to.^[1]

I find that the most common malady in self-published and small press writing is exposition. This is referred to as “show, not tell” in the Lexicon.

As a brief example, here’s the difference.

The Scene: A man walks into a room, where a woman with a gun is already waiting there for him.

Tell

Detective John Everyman entered his office after a long day scrounging the docks for clues regarding Mrs. Felicia MacGuffin’s husbands supposed infidelities. He still smelled of the fish and fowl, and salt seemed to crust his skin and sleeves. He was unable to find any clue of infidelities, but he did find a great seafood place he’d have to take Marcia to on their anniversary, if she could get over the ambient smell of the sea.

When he flipped on the light, he saw a medium-height woman standing there. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, red lips, and a red dress. In her hands she held a Walther PPK, and it was pointed at his chest.

He had no idea who this woman was, or whether she had the determination to pull the trigger. He felt the reassuring weight of his own Magnum in its shoulder holster next to his good luck charm, a medallion with a seven pointed star and the latin phrase En Vitus Vitum printed on the front, a gift from his deceased father.

“Who do I owe money to this time?” he asked.

Show

He flipped the switch when he entered the office, and a flicker of light illuminated the room. A blonde woman in a red dress stood before him. She had a grin on her face and a gun in her hands.

“Who do I owe money to this time?” he asked as she leveled the gun at his chest.

While it may not be the best example (I’m pressed for time), do you see the difference? Which one leaves a more lasting impressing in your mind? Which one was easier and more interesting to read?

It’s just my opinion (as someone who reads significantly more than 50 books a year) that the second example, while shorter, leaves me with a whole lot more intrigue than the previous one. Especially if any of the details included in the text are completely irrelevant or have a more natural way to divulge later in the prose (e.g., through realistic conversation, not as-you-know-bobs). I feel that sparse writing that tells you more is more valuable than infodumps.

Though I will admit, there are some times where infodumps are useful. I would refer you to the writings of J. R. R. Tolkien and Neal Stephenson for practical applications of the infodump.

[1] This was, if I’m not mistaken, the last rule, but I can’t seem to find it written anywhere...

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 10

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 00:30:00 -0400

Chapter 10 of The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo…

Synopsis

The werewolves meet at the Bistro to discuss the problems that have recently arrived, including Dustbunnie, who was not originally invited. Needless to say, she is miffed at the mockery of her position as the Alpha.

After the meeting, Dustbunnie visits Burney to discuss the latter’s book-stealing activities.

Finally, we get a glimpse of Godiva’s undying affection for the Griswold, two shapeshifting dogs who live in the basement.

Analysis

This chapter, like many of the chapters in this book I’m finding, are composed mostly of reflection and conversation. While dialog is an important element in any story, too much is a distraction from the actual things that are happening (or should be happening) on the page.

The one-sided relationship between Godiva and Griswold has been building in parts up til now. So far, I see little to no value in it.

And as a mostly unrelated aside, I have a question about dog shapeshifter physiology. So, some dogs, at birth, have cropped tails, ears, or toes. Do the shapeshifters have this done when they’re young? If so, does it reflect on their human bodies? Like, if they lose a toe, are they missing the corresponding toe? And if not, what if they lost an arm or eye? Or is it just “magic”? “I’m a shapey-shiftey dog, and I want to look like a Pomeranian! Boom!” And if that’s the case, why can’t they alter their “breed” at will?

Just a few questions to leave you with. On to the next chapter...

ASP.NET MVC External REST Models

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Fri, 8 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

If you have a web application that needs to make use of third party services, you may find it useful to make a local model for that object as you process it on the server site. For the example, I’m going to integrate the LibraryThing getwork response for my example application.

First, we want to model the information we want:

public class LTWork {

public int Id {get; set;}

public string Author {get; set;}

public string Title {get; set;}

public string Url {get; set;}

public IEnumerable<string> Characters {get; set}

}

As you can see, we’re wanting the basic book stats (title, author, URL, and a list of characters). When we cann the site, we get a REST response that looks like this.

Now comes the time to parse it. Since it’s coming in as XML, we’ll want to parse the XML and extract the appropriate data. We’ll probably want to leverage this in a LibraryThing-specific service. Here’s our basic definition (we’re going to be using IoC containers):

public ILibraryThingService {

LTWork GetWork(

int? id, int? isbn, int? lccn, int? oclc, string title

);

}

public LibraryThingService : ILibraryThingService {

private static string Url =
"http://www.librarything.com/services/rest";

private static string Version = "1.1";

private static string ApiKey = "..."; // yeah right…

private static string BaseUrlBuilder() {

return String.Join("/", Url, Version);

}

private static string CommandUrl(
string commandName,
params KeyValuePair<string, string> arguments
) {

return BaseUrlBuilder() + "/?"
+ String.Join("&",
commandName,
arguments.Select(x => x.Key + "=" + x.Value),
"apikey=" + ApiKey
);

}

private static string GetResponse(string url) {

if (String.IsNullOrEmpty(url)) {

throw new ArgumentNullException(url);

}

using (WebClient client = new WebClient()) {

return client.DownloadString(url);

}

private static LTWork ParseWork(string data) {

if (String.IsNullOrEmpty(data)) {

throw new ArgumentNullException("data");

}

XDocument xdoc = XDocument.Parse(data);

LTWork ltWork = new LTWork();

ltWork.Id = Int32.Parse(
xdoc.Descendants("item")
.Attributes("id")
.FirstOrDefault()
.Value
);

ltWork.Author = xdoc.Descendants("author")
.FirstOrDefault().Value;

ltWork.Title = xdoc.Descendants("title")
.FirstOrDefault().Value;

ltWork.Url = xdoc.Descendants("url").FirstOrDefault().Value;

ltWork.Characters = xdoc.Descendants("field")

.Where(x =>

x.Attribute("type").Value == "3"

&& x.Attribute("name").Value == "characternames"

)

.SelectMany(x => x.Elelements("fact").Value);

return ltWork;
}

public LTWork GetWork(
int? id, int? isbn, int? lccn, int? oclc, string title
) {

if (
id == null
&& isbn == null
&& lccn == null
&& oclc == null
&& String.IsNullOrEmpty(title)
) {

throw new ArgumentException(
"Must specify at least one parameter"
);

}

List<KeyValuePair<string, string>> arguments =
new List<KeyValuePair<string, string>>();

if (id != null) {

arguments
.Add(new KeyValuePair("id", id.Value.ToString()));

}

if (isbn != null) {

arguments
.Add(new KeyValuePair("isbn", isbn.Value.ToString()));

}

if (lccn != null) {

arguments
.Add(new KeyValuePair("lccn", lccn.Value.ToString()));

}

if (oclc != null) {

arguments
.Add(new KeyValuePair("oclc", oclc.Value.ToString()));

}

if (!String.IsNullOrEmpty(title)) {

arguments.Add(new KeyValuePair(
"title", title.Value.Replace(' ', '+')
));

}

string url = CommandUrl("librarything.ck.getwork", arguments);

string response = getResponse(url);

return ParseWork(response);

}

Whew. That looks right…

Okay, so what that’s going to do is send the request to the server, get back a chunk of XML, and then parse out work info and the list of characters from the XML body, then present it in the model. If you so desire, you could then store this to your own database, or just present it life, whatever works best for you and your application (and of course the LibraryThing API terms of service).

If you’re doing this with a JSON API, it’s much easier, but that’s for a different article.

Top 10 Recent Original Films

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Thu, 7 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

Every year, the powers that be^[1] compile the list of top 10 grossing films. For this article, I am going to traverse backwards through these lists and list the “top 10 original films,” that is, films that are not:

A sequel/prequel
A remake
Based on a book/comic book
Based on a TV series
Based on a real-life event
Based on a video game^[2]
Based on a theme park attraction
Based on a toy line
stuff like that…

So, here goes…

1. Gravity (2013, Dir. Alfonso Cuarón)

This is a movie in which George Clooney and Sandra Bullock get stranded in space. I don’t think it’s loosely based on Lost in Space, so I’m pretty sure it counts. I had to navigate past Frozen (The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Anderson), Iron Man 3 (sequel to Iron Man 2, and based on the Iron Man comic series), Despicable Me 2 (sequel to Dispicable Me), The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (based on The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien, and a sequel to The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey), The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (based on Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, which is the second book in the Hunger Games series; likewise, this movie is a sequel to the film adaptation of The Hunger Games), Fast & Furious 6 (Sequel to Fast Five, part of The Fast and the Furious film series), and Monsters University (prequel to Monsters, Inc.)

2. Inception (2010, Dir. Christopher Nolan)

This movie is about people who steal things from people’s dreams. It’s not based on Hamlet’s soliloquy. “What dreams may come...”I had to navigate past Man of Steel (Superman film), and Thor: The Dark World (sequel and based on comic series, and part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe), every top ten movie in 2012 (The Avengers, Skyfall, The Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Ice Age: Continental Drift, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2, The Amazing Spider-man, Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, The Hunger Games, and Men in Black 3), every top ten movie in 2011 (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides^[3], The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1, Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol, Kung Fu Panda 2, Fast Five, The Hangover Part II, The Smurfs, and Cars 2), Toy Story 3, Alice in Wonderland, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

3. Despicable Me (2010, Dir. Pierre Coffin & Chris Renaud)

I’m pretty sure that the “story” that Sergio Pablos wrote was specifically for this film, but I’m unable to find any information indicating either way. This is about a typical “evil genius” who must balance his life of evil geniusdom with raising three kids. I only had to navigate past Shrek Forever After, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Iron Man 2, and Tangled.

4. Avatar (2009, Dir. James Cameron)

While some have said that this film is essentially Dancing With Smurfs, it does not claim to owe its origin to any outside source, and that’s what counts for this article.

I only had to get past How to Train Your Dragon. Lucky me.

5. 2012 (2009, Dir. Roland Emmerich)

While this movie does owe some of its origin to our misperception of the Mayan long-count calendar, and the writings of Al Gore, it doesn’t seem to actually be based on anything that came before it. We got here after rushing past Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

6. Up (2009, Dir. Pete Docter)

Leave it to Pixar to make an original film, every other film. This was, to date, the saddest Pixar film I’ve ever seen, but it also got nominated for an academy award for best picture (to date, only three animated films, all Disney, have been nominated for this award). I didn’t have to navigate past anything, except the bucket of tears the first five minutes of this film brought.

7. The Hangover (2009, Dir. Todd Phillips)

While the subject of getting drunk and doing crazy things only to have to piece them together later on has been around since Hunter S. Thompson, this movie owes its origin to no discernable work that came before it, and as such is “original.” To get here (...yay...) I had to get past The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Sherlock Holmes, and Angels & Demons).

8. Kung Fu Panda (2008, Dir. John Stevenson & Mark Osborne)

This film tells the tale of an anthropomorphic pandabear that learns kung fu. What makes this movie particularly interesting is that the animals adopt the kung fu style named after them. Nice move, DreamWorks. I had to get past The Dark Knight and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to get here.

9. Hancock (2008, Dir. Peter Berg)

A superhero movie that did not require a comic book to come before it. It came in right after Kung Fu Panda.

10. WALL-E (2008, Dir. Andrew Stanton)

Once again, Pixar gives us another original film (though some might argue that it’s My Fair Lady with robots and the obese…). I hear a lot of criticism of this film, saying “The first half was good...” I don’t get it. I love this movie all the way through. To get here, I had to get past Mamma Mia!, Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, Quantum of Solace, and Iron Man.

Whew. That was a lot of work. I had to go back about 6 years to get all 10. Also, based on the current standings for 2014, I don’t think we’ll see another “original” movie until that Public Domain thing starts kicking in again. I’m glad I didn’t go for 20, or else, I’d probably have to go back to the eighties (checking, 2007 - 1, 2006 - 2, 2005 - 3, 2004 -2, 2003 - 2, okay, not exactly the eighties).

So the valuable take-away from all of this is: if you want to be a commercial success, don’t be original. Wait, that’s not the lesson I want people to learn! The take-away is: I want more original movies. They’re better, even if they aren’t more commercially successful. The only reason more people watch the less original films is because they’re familiar. Let’s take away familiarity for just a year, or a summer or a “holiday season”, and let’s see if we can have a top 10 that’s all new material.

Please?

[1] Box Office Mojo

[2] This check is essentially a no-op

[3] Not only a sequel in a series based on an attraction at Disney World, but also based on an unrelated pirate book by Tim Powers.

Book Miner - Marvel's The Emerald City of Oz by Eric Shanower

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Wed, 6 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

[Editor’s Note: Since this is reviewing a graphic novel that is an adaptation of a popular book, I will refrain from discussing the plot synopsis, as it would be redundant]

In which I review The Emerald City of Oz, adapted by Eric Shanower and illustrated by Skottie Young, based on the book by L. Frank Baum.

Overview

In Marvel’s The Emerald City of Oz, we have the last volume of Oz adaptations in this series. Since this series began, it has delighted me, and I have dutifully waited for the hardcover to come out for each volume.

I did not realize that this would be the last volume until I got to the last page. While it makes sense to end this venture on The Emerald City of Oz (wherein Glinda cuts off all Oz’s ties with the outside universe), I was disappointed at the reality of not seeing The Patchwork Girl of Oz and the other “Famous Fourteen.” I also was disappointed that we’d not see Trot and Cap’n Bill make their Oz debut (and disappointed that I couldn’t petition for Trot and Cap’n Bill adaptations as well). But, like Theodore Geisel said: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

That being said, I will definitely feel a pinch in my emotions when, nine months from now, there won’t be another Shanower/Young Oz book.

A neat thing to note is that the hardcover edition includes a free digital copy. I haven't yet tried to redeem mine, but I hope it's as painless as other more recent Disney digital copy redemptions (for the record, the original "Digital Copy" disc for Wall-E was the biggest pain of my life of digital copies).

Analysis

Comparing the art to this volume to that of the original, it still bears a striking similarity to the original Wattersonesque illustrations of Young. However, it has evolved. It’s not quite so rough around the edges, and the roughness that remains provides more aesthetic value than otherwise. However, it is noticeable. But this wasn’t the first thing I noticed when I finally got this book in my hands.

It was the thickness. While other volumes of this series were eight issues, this one was only five. This disappointed me, as not only was it my last chance to spend time with these iterations of the beloved characters, but it was three issues short of what I was expecting it to be. While I’m sure that there were Important Reasons for this, I do feel the plot was rushed to accommodate this condensed medium.

Beyond that, I loved the illustrations and the depictions of the characters and peoples introduced in this volume. I particularly enjoyed Guph’s portrayal, as a sort of pekingese Lorax. Shortly after reading this book, I watched the Cinar adaptation of the same book. Talk about night and day.

All in all, past the disappointments, I am pleased to include this volume among my series. In a way, it’s comforting to have one less thing to collect. Though, as much as I dislike Shanower’s illustrations^[1] (not Young’s, mind you), I am considering strongly collecting his additional Oz works, ‘cause let’s face it, I’m a fan of Oz.

But if Marvel does decide to continue this series, as well as other great Baum classics^[2], I’ll be there ready to buy ‘em, especially if they’re up there with the Shanower/Young series.

[1] Shanower’s illustrations are too “Prince Valiant” for my liking. I suppose I could get over it to read a few more Oz books.

[2] Please, oh, please let there be The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus.

The Gingham Sword - Introduction

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Tue, 5 Aug 2014 12:36:00 -0400

In an effort to try to make this blog more predictable, and to get me to write more (I have a project I’m working on that I need to get back into, but I need to exercise my writing muscle first), I’m going to start serializing a story as I write it.

The story is called The Gingham Sword. If the title does not completely explain what the story’s about, allow me to explain.

If you’re not already aware, I am a huge fan of L. Frank Baum’s Oz books. Every time I find a new book, movie, comic, etc. about Oz, I am compelled to check it out. I’m also like this with pumpkin-flavored things.

So, I was reading something recently, I can’t quite remember what, but it dealt with adaptations of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I did not find anything in this article regarding an adaptation of a more fantasy setting (yes, I know, Oz is already Fantasy). Therefore, I put two and two together, and decided that I WOULD WRITE AN OZ FANTASY.

Since I find most Epic Fantasy uninteresting, I decided to make it a Sword and Sorcery tale.

The story is meant to be a reimagining of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz as a fantasy story. I will tag them all with "the gingham sword", and will try to add new “episodes” every Tuesday. Tuesday is my “writing” day, so if I feel compelled to write a post on writing, you may get one of those from time to time. But the rest of my Tuesday posts should be (drumroll please)

The Gingham Sword

by Jacob P. Silvia

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 9

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Mon, 4 Aug 2014 12:50:00 -0400

Chapter 9 is next in The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

Cutter meets a local homeless woman who used to work for the library. Further, she waxes on why she hasn’t found true love, going on to describe her ideal man.

She finds the werewolf book club ladies harassing children, and has McCasson evict them. Meeting up with Lite, she gets a copy of Alice in Wonderland, only for it to bring up sad memories of her mother, for this was the last book she read to Cutter.

She discusses her parents with Chronus, indicating that both lived much more interesting lives than your typical library employee, with much of what they did shrouded in mystery.

Analysis

I suppose we can start with the interesting lives of librarians. This is the premise of one of my favorite book series, A Series of Unfortunate Events, where a bunch of noble librarians who have unusually interesting lives battle a group of book burners led by an unusually hairy individual, all of whom originate from the same group. I understand that book readers versus book burners is a common trope among books by and about those who appreciate literature, yet at the same time, if you remind me of something I like but fall far short from being just as amazing, you’re not going to hold my interest.

Once again, why Cutter doesn’t realize why the werewolf book club group are evil is beyond me. It’s way too suspicious, if you ask me.

Further, I’m amused by the fact that Cutter’s “ideal man” is basically Chronus. Let’s see where that goes. As long he’s not secretly her estranged father, it’ll probably work out well. The discussion of The Shaggy Dog could hint at either of these cases.

Once again, Polo uses Dewey-speak. Let’s analyze it:

Number	Polo	Dewey.info
363.5	homeless	housing
636.71	female dog (yeah, really)	breeds of dog

This does get annoying, especially when it’s off the mark like this.

And so is the fact that a number system is “under copyright.” Last I checked, the definitions of Dewey Decimal System, while in some ways “proprietary” shouldn’t be protected by copyright. Isn’t the point of a system like this meant to propagate information? Doesn’t putting it behind a paywall defeat that purpose?

I end my rant.

How To Make Good Use of C# Expressions

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Fri, 1 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0400

If you use Entity Framework, or really anything that returns an IQueryable, and you want to perform LINQ operations on that Enumerable, you’ve probably discovered several things that just don’t work.

This is mostly due to the fact that with Entity Framework, your LINQ statements must be translatable into SQL. Therefore, you’re pretty much limited to using Expressions in your LINQ methods.

I make use of this technology regularly, and I will admit, at first, the subtle paradigm shift threw me for a loop. While I’m not out to demystify IQueryables, I am out to share a “better practice” I discovered while using Entity Framework to help provide consistent filtering to your collections.

Say you have a collection of objects with the following definition:

public class Cat {

public int ID { get; set; }

public string Name { get; set; }

public bool IsAlive { get; set; }

//...

}

You’ll probably find yourself writing the following code more than once:

cats.Where(c => c.IsAlive);

Or possibly:

cats.Where(c => c.Name.ToLower().Contains(query.ToLower());

(for some string query)

If you’re like me, then you probably don’t want to write this any more than you need to. Since you’re using IQueryables, you have a few options, really. You could write extensions to your IQueryables, or you could do something cooler. That’s where Expressions come in.

For example, say you want a reusable query to search for living cats. This is fairly straightforward, but making a reusable query is not too much more difficult.

public static Expression<Func<Cat, bool>> CatsAreAlive = (c) =>

c.IsAlive

;

//…

var livingCats = cats.Where(CatsAreAlive);

This is great if you ever anticipate your criteria for living cats to change. Such as if you added a DateTime? DateOfDeath to the cat object. Then you would only have to change your CatsAreAlive expression, and everywhere that called it would be updated:

public static Expression<Func<Cat, bool>> CatsAreAlive = (c) =>

c.IsAlive

&& c.DateOfDeath != null

;

//…

var livingCats = cats.Where(CatsAreAlive); // no zombies plz

Or say you want a reusable query to search cats by name. As you can see from the LINQ above (third from top), this is a little cumbersome to have to write each time you want to search for cats.

Using an expression, you can do the following:

public static Expression<Func<Cat, bool>> CatNameLike(string query) {

return (c) =>

c.Name.ToLower().Contains(query.ToLower())

;

}

//…

var queryCats = cats.Where(CatNameLike(query));

Then if you add a string Nickname to the cat, you only have to change it once.

public static Expression<Func<Cat, bool>> CatNameLike(string query) {

return (c) =>

c.Name.ToLower().Contains(query.ToLower())

|| c.Nickname.ToLower().Contains(query.ToLower())

;

}

//…

var queryCats = cats.Where(CatNameLike(query));

Awesome.

You can do this with any LINQ expression, such as Selects:

public static Expression<Func<Cat, SelectListItem>> CatsForDropdownList = (c) =>

new SelectListItem() {

value = c.ID.ToString(),

label = c.Name,

}

;

//…

var dropdown = cats.Select(CatsForDropdownList);

OrderBys:

public static Expression<Func<Cat, string>> NameOrder = (c) =>

c.Name.ToLower().StartsWith("the ") ? c.Name.Substring(4) :

c.Name

;

//…

var herdedCats = cats.OrderBy(NameOrder);

And any other IQueryable LINQ extension. The important point thing to note is that LINQ expressions that don’t require an argument should be defined as Parameters, while ones that do should be defined as Methods. This isn’t required, they all could be Methods. It’s just prettier (IMHO) to not see all those empty parentheses.

One additional cool thing you can do once you’ve defined these Expressions is to make use of them as Functions in other contexts. For example, say you want to check a single Cat object for a matching name (I can’t provide a good example, but I’m sure it could happen). You could do the following:

public static bool NameLike(this Cat cat, string query) {

return CatNameLike(query).Compile()(cat);

}

(I couldn’t resist an extension method)

While this is a roundabout way of running this query, it gives you a definite advantage: you only had to write the name matching logic once, and when you decide to change it (say you add a FirstName and a LastName too), you only need to change it once, and it will be available everywhere.

I recommend implementing these static methods and parameters in a static class, so you can keep them all together. Or putting them in classes by type (e.g., Filters, Sorts, Selects, etc.).

I must end by saying that while I prefer this method for its apparent elegance, I’m always open to suggestions on how to do it more elegantly. I’d be glad to hear your opinion on the matter.

The Innumerable Doctors

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Thu, 31 Jul 2014 15:09:00 -0400

Doctor Who, if not the longest-running science fiction series in the history of mankind, is definitely up there. With the arrival of the 12th doctor, I would like to present to you alternate Doctors who are Doctors, but not necessarily “official” Doctors. For the sake of brevity, I’m only listed ones that had screentime appearances in authorized BBC productions.

Dr. Who (Peter Cushing, Dr. Who and the Daleks, 1965)

Dr. Who is a human doctor with the last name “Who.” In a series of films centering around this doctor’s conflict with the Daleks, he brings his friends and relations across time and space in a machine of his own devising. “That’s no space station! It’s a time machine!”

The Watcher (Adrian Gibbs, Logopolis, 1981)

This is an “offical” incarnation of the doctor, not given an order. He is capable of time travel without the aid of a TARDIS. He eventually merges with the dying Fourth Doctor to produce the fifth doctor. I for one think he should spend less time watching, and more time moisturizing.

The Valeyard (Michael Jayston, The Trial of a Time Lord, 1986)

This is another “official” incarnation of the doctor, said to happen somewhere between his twelfth and last incarnation. He’s an evil incarnation brought forth when the doctor apparently tries to break the hard limit of regenerations (this hasn’t happened yet, as far as I can tell). To quote my friend, Ben, “The Doctor is penultimately evil.”

The Doctor (Rowan Atkinson, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

In a Red Nose Day special, BBC gave fans what they really wanted. MOAR DOCTOAR! In The Curse of Fatal Death, we not only get a parody of just about every single Doctor Who trope ever, but also get to see five incarnations of the doctor in under 30 minutes. The doctor is about to retire and marry his current companion, Emma, until the Master and his Dalek assistants presents him with a challenge. He is killed by the Daleks when trying to communicate their ploy to betray the Master to the same.

The Doctor (Richard E. Grant, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

Recently reincarnated, this self-described “cute, sexy and lick-the-mirror-handsome” Doctor. He shortly meets his demise while trying to rewire the Dalek’s zectronic beam.

The Doctor (Jim Broadbent, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

This incarnation is shy, being afraid of women and feminine men. He meets his fate when trying to avoid confrontations with Emma and the master.

The Doctor (Hugh Grant, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

This incarnation is handsome and heartfelt. He discovers that he wasted three incarnations because the blasted device he was trying to fix wasn’t unplugged. However, he absorbs a fatal dose of zectronic radiation, fatal to Time Lords. Making Emma and the Master promise to take care of the universe for him, he dies for the last time, never to be regenerated. Worth noting here is that Hugh Grant was later offered the role of the Ninth doctor in the new series. He turned it down because he didn’t think it would be that successful.

The Doctor (Joanna Lumley, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

Possibly the only female incarnation of the Doctor to appear in any BBC-produced video. She is the next incarnation after Hugh Grant’s Doctor, showing that it doesn’t matter what the “rules of the universe are.” We need the Doctor. Unfortunately, she’s “just not the man [Emma] fell in love with,” bringing their plans for nuptials to a quick halt.

The Doctor (Mark Gatiss, Web of Caves, 1999)

This Doctor, in a nondescript quarry, reluctantly agrees to attempt foil some unoriginal plans of some Thal-like humanoids.

The Doctor (Richard E. Grant, Scream of the Shalka, 2003)

This marks the second time Richard E. Grant has played The Doctor. This time, he’s a little more world-weary and sarcastic. He arrives in London and helps defeat the Shalka. I must admit two things here: 1. This was my first experience with Doctor Who, short of watching a single Tom Baker episode on PBS on a tiny TV at the family cottage with my sci-fi fan uncle when I was eight or nine. 2. I would have loved if this became its own series. I heart the Shalka Doctor.

The Dream Lord (Toby Jones, Amy’s Choice, 2010)

The Dream Lord isn’t an actual incarnation of the Doctor, but a manifestation of the Eleventh Doctor, sans all his charm and whimsy. He’s sort of an Inception Doctor, who’s defeated when everybody figures out the best way to wake the heck up.

The Curator (Tom Baker, The Day of the Doctor, 2013)

While never actually admitted as an incarnation of the doctor, the fact that he is (a) played by Tom Baker, and (b) implied to be such, indicates that he is either a future incarnation of the doctor (possibly “the last”, after the Valeyard) revisiting an old incarnation, or is actually the Fourth Doctor.

The War Doctor (John Hurt, The Night of the Doctor, 2013)

In an effort to screw up everybody’s counting, there is the War Doctor. He is a product of necessity during the Time Wars. He eventually regenerates due to “wearing thin”, becoming the Ninth Doctor. Worth noting is that Hurt is the oldest actor to start portraying the Doctor.

There you have it, 13 Doctors to complement the 13 we’ve got (well, one duplicate). Who’s your favorite Doctor?

Book Miner - Tic Tac Tome by Willy Yonkers

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 12:21:00 -0400

[Editor’s Note: I have not given up on The Shapeshifters’ Library. I am just trying a new structure to my blog posts]

Tic Tac Tome by Willy Yonkers is a book that purports to be able to beat you at tic-tac-toe. This 1,400-page book is set up like a wordless “choose-your-own-adventure” book, showing you your available moves, and presenting a page number for you to turn to in order to take that move, and to see the book’s move in response.

Much like real games of tic-tac-toe, most of these games end in draws. Most of the remainder end in book wins. Only one ends in a player win. Oddly enough, my first run through the book resulted in my winning.

Upon further examination, I determined that the win was entirely due to the book making a stupid mistake, possibly to allow for the player to have at least one possible win.

While the novelty of the book is quite quaint, the replayability is inversely dependent on your relative understanding of tic-tac-toe strategies. Ultimately, if you get this books, you will probably not get much use out of it after a few days. At that point, you’ll either give it to a friend, keep it on a coffee table, or put it in your library of quaint puzzle books and curiosities.

If you’re this latter person, you’ll probably actually get a kick out of this book, and it’ll be worth your purchase. If you’re not, you’re better off finding puzzle-guy/gal and borrowing it.

On Spec Announcement

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Tue, 29 Jul 2014 12:35:00 -0400

Okay, so I made a promise, and now I intend to fulfill it.

One lucky recipient will receive the following prize:

One on-spec short story (10,000 words of fewer)
A copyright assignment of said short story

The rules:

Post a comment below indicating your desire to be entered in the drawing.
I would prefer if you would not post anonymously, but regardless, please ensure that I have some electronic means of contacting you associated with your comment (e.g., if you have an e-mail address associated with your account, I can use that, or, if you’re anonymous, include your email address).
I will do the drawing no earlier than the last day of August, 2014 (the 31st), but also do it no earlier than fourteen (14) days after I have received at at least 10 unique, identifiable comments from participants.
I will not write anything “adult”
I will not write fan fiction, unless it deals solely with verifiable public domain elements (e.g., works appearing on Project Gutenberg)

I will be willing to write fan fiction for non public domain works if you are the sole rightsholder of said works, provided it does not violate any other rules

I will not break the law
I reserve the right to veto certain topics which would make me feel uncomfortable
You are welcome to claim copyright over the story, and are free to edit it and alter it, but you must do the following:

For an original version of the work, provide an attribution to me (“by Jacob P. Silvia”).
For a modified work, include the statement: “Adapted from a story written by Jacob P. Silvia.” or some such similar statement. Do not present a modified version of the story in a way to imply that I endorse the changes, especially if the changes are “adult”, illegal, or otherwise might cast me in a negative light. If you feel your changes would fall into this, you may also include a statement along the lines of “... who doesn’t endorse this version.”

I reserve my Section 203 rights for the original work
I will not publish the work myself, but may reference it as something I wrote or contributed to if it is published
You must be 18 years or older
I will work with you to ensure that you are satisfied with the end result, but since I am doing this for free, you must be reasonable with your demands

Fine Print:

Void where prohibited. This contest is closed to people who are related to me directly or via marriage, up to and including first cousins. Please review your local laws prior to participating. By participating you are agreeing that you have read and understand the prize and the rules governing it. You are also agreeing that you are a legal adult and live or reside in a region in which you are legally allowed to participate. If you are the winner and do not respond to my queries within a week, I reserve the right to pick another recipient or to not award anybody. Multiple entries will not help your chance of winning. If you apply multiple times under different identities, you will be disqualified if I discover it. A purchase will not increase your odds of winning. 10,000 words is not a hard limit. If I write something that is longer, I will not force edits. I already wrote the words, so it’s more “expensive” for me to try to make it fit into the above guideline than it is for me to just give you a few extra words. This is no guarantee that you will get more than 10,000 words. You may opt to receive a shorter story (e.g., short short story, flash fiction, etc.,) with a desired word limit, and I will accommodate. You will only receive one (1) story, no matter what length you prefer. If you have any additional questions, please send them to me via an e-mail (see the Contacts page) prior to entry. Any comments that do not indicate a desire to enter the drawing will not be considered towards the goal. I will act with due diligence to ensure that it is a fair drawing, but my judgment regarding your eligibility and my decision is final. If there are any additional questions, you may ask clarification. Do not assume anything.

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 8

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 14:41:00 -0400

We’re making good progress; now we’re on Chapter 8 of The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

More dog books have gone missing, and Cutter discovers that the local book club devoted to werewolf fiction, made almost entirely of disgruntled former library employees, are being exclusionary to potential new members. Cutter kicks their group out of the library.

After that she has a brief discussion with Chronus in which they discuss life, again, and Chronus reveals a little more about himself.

Analysis

So, you’re running a library, and you hear about book-burning werewolves, and you believe it, and you notice that a bunch of books about dogs, the sworn enemy of the werewolves, are mysteriously going missing, and you notice that a group of former library employees, all buddy buddy with the former director, who is a werewolf, all of whom like chain smoking, and all of whom have a multitude of other red flags indicating that THEY ARE STEALING THE DOG BOOKS, and you neglect to realize this? You must be totally preoccupied.

Also, you may be wondering by now: “Why aren’t the burglar alarms going off when somebody breaks into the library to steal books, as it’s obviously not those shapeshifting dogs who are doing it?” You get the answer here, because a few chapters ago, Harold Dinzelbacher didn’t approve it. That’s why!

You just didn’t know until now.

This is an indication of sloppy editing, in my humble opinion. Were this fact relevant, it probably should have been seeded during the infodump that was Harold Dinzelbacher’s rant against fire safety.

This is yet another chapter, sadly, that has more stuff take place in the past relative to the action on the page, than on the page itself. Yawn.

The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Tue, 15 Jul 2014 14:22:00 -0400

Last night, my wife and I watched The Muppets (2011). This got me thinking about one of the key songs in the Muppets’ milieu: Rainbow Connection.

There’s something important about this song. I’m not sure how to exactly explain it, but there’s something about this song that speaks to me on some level.

For those of you not familiar with the song, I urge you to find it somewhere and listen to it. Specifically, the last verse. As this post is discussing it, I feel that it’s fair use for me to write it out:

Have you been half asleep?

And have you heard voices?

I’ve heard them calling my name.

Is this the sweet sound

That called the young sailors?

The voice might be one in the same.

I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.

It’s something I’m supposed to be.

Someday we’ll find it,

The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually hear voices. This isn’t a schizophrenia thing. It’s more a subtle calling. The ancient Greeks called it a muse, the Romans a genius. The song opens a door somewhere in my psyche leading to an undiscovered, unexplored world, as expansive and endless as I allow it to be.

Much like that oft-used factoid^[1] regarding the brain, I feel that I’m only using 10% of my potential, or maybe not potential, but something. There’s something I’m not using to its fullest extent, it feels, in some ways, like I’m standing in a room that’s uncomfortably too small for me to move around freely. Like I have a pair of wings ready to sprout from my back, but they’re confined by something wrapped around me.

It’s important that you don’t think I’m crazy. This isn’t a delusion. I don’t honestly think I have wings ready to sprout from my back. It’s a metaphor. Or an analogy.

Nevertheless, I feel that there is something out there, something I’m supposed to be. Some prize I’m supposed to claim. It’s a road, like Bifrost, that leads to some hall of heroes, like Valhalla. It’s an elusive path, but I feel driven to find it, to traverse it, and to reach my goal.

Once again, I know that Bifrost is a mythological road, and that Asgard makes as much sense as Yggdrasill being the center of our cosmos.

But where is that first step?

[1] Yes, I’m using factoid correctly here. Look it up.

Happy Birthday to Me

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 14:08:00 -0400

So, today happens to be a big day. If you’re living in France, it’s probably better known as Bastille Day. If you happen to know me and you don’t live in France, then it’s probably better known as my birthday. Everybody else probably better knows it as the Feast of Ulrich of Zell. Either way, it’s time for rejoicing!

Betwixt rejoicing, I’ll take this time to analyze the past, present, and future. Get your tea leaves ready!

Five Years Ago (2009)

I was living in Houston, working for NASA. This was my first year under a new subcontractor, and things were at times more difficult and at other times more simple. I wasn’t yet a father, but my wife and I had two cats and lived in an apartment ridiculously close to Johnson Space Center. It’s also around this time that Clear Lake Area Writers started blossoming into what it is now. At that time, it met at the Arts Alliance Center of Clear Lake.

Today (2014)

Now I’m living in Northeast Ohio, doing software development for a small company. Earlier this year, I worked for a major player in the Entertainment Content Management industry, before losing my job^[1]. I am the father of a delightful daughter, and my wife and I have one cat. We’re living in a house that started out as a dream, but is gradually becoming a nightmare. At least the commute is reasonable. Clear Lake Area Writers is under a new set of hands, and is running along smoothly, meeting at the Harris County Public Library Freeman Branch. Meanwhile I’ve only written one chapter in the novel I’m working on since moving to Ohio.

Five Years From Now (2019)

Well, I’ll be ramping up my bid to run for President. Hopefully my senate career hasn’t jaded me too much, and I can honestly promise change and transparency and actually deliver on it. I can formally renounce much of the power the executive branch has usurped, causing the system of checks and balances to be more about paper checks and market balances that it is about a nice distribution of power. I’ll actually shut down Guantanamo Bay, and make sure all the people there get fair and open trials with a presumption of innocence. I’ll make sure that the Constitution is enforced, and stop enforcing (from an executive level) any law that is in direct conflict to this document, and encourage Congress to repeal it and the Supreme Court to make a ruling on its constitutionality. I’ll also work to make real estate fraud a felony, because let’s be honest, it should be.

In a more realistic future, I’ll hope to have actually finished that novel, preferably no later than when my daughter is old enough to read. I hope to get some of my ideas implemented. I also hope to have all this nightmare with our house behind us. I worry, too, as our one cat is (in 2014) ten years old, and will be fifteen in 2019. While cat #1 lived past 20, I can’t be sure that any other cat will be so fortunate. That being said, I hope cat #2 will be alive still, and maybe just a bit lazier than she normally is.

In Closing

I’ll try to remember to do something like this each year. And maybe look back and see how well I did.^[2]

That being said, if there are any trends you’d like to see on my blog, feel free to let me know. While I post about whatever strikes my fancy at the time, I’m not above listening to my readers’ (or is it reader’s?) opinions (or is it opinion?).

Thank you.

[1] This was mostly attributed to a lack of bidirectional communication between myself and management, but it’s a long story I don’t want to get into here.

[2] I wouldn’t complain if I got some write-in nominations.

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 7

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 14:46:00 -0400

Moving right along to Chapter 7 of The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

Cutter’s bright mood is dissipated when she discovers that several books are unaccounted for. More specifically, a whole lot of dog books are missing. She tells Chronus who in turn has his librarians look into. Since werewolves are unable to enter the library, this is met with a modicum of skepticism.

Analysis

Okay, so when perusing reviews for this book, someone said that the Dewey-speak was annoying. I agree.

Dewey-speak is replacing certain words with their Dewey decimal number. In the book, Polo renders it as “Cut the 631.8 (Dewey number for compost)...” which is visually distracting and interrupts the inner narrator’s voice. This would be less annoying were the lookups rendered as footnotes.

Also, according to dewey.info, the following numbers used in this section have this actual definition:

Number	Polo	Dewey.info
631.8	compost	fertilizers, soil conditioners, growth regulators
299.935	devil	anthroposophy
291.23	hell	[unassigned] (usually used for “death” elsewhere)

That being said, it makes what Cutter says 100% more hilarious:

CUTTER	Cut the fertilizers, soil conditioners, and growth regulators and tell me what the anthroposophy is wrong.
MCCASSON	Books are missing. Not on the shelf. Not checked out.
CUTTER	Nonsense. The library has only been open for one week. There is no way in death there can be a great problem.

(I must also present my frustration for another topic as I was looking these up, and that’s the walled garden that is the Dewey Decimal System, but this isn’t Polo’s fault.)

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 6

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 12:23:00 -0400

Chapter 6 is next in The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

Sybilla Dinzelbacher opens her new restaurant to great acclaim. Just about every important person from Ohio is there. She has a confrontation with Dustbunnie, but gets an earful from the Alpha.

Meanwhile, Chronus and reminisces on the students and faculty of his school while he prepares to teach his next class. He hears complaints from some faculty, doing his best to resolve them with the resources he has at hand (or paw). He also reflects on his lost friendship to another dog shapeshifter who fell in love with a werewolf, eventually fathering Harold Dinzelbacher, revealed to be a half-dog/half-werewolf.

Analysis

This is an example of what I was discussing in my last post on this book, talking about how entire chapters (or, here, half-chapters) are dedicated to events that are not happening on the page. Sybilla Dinzelbacher basically walks into the restaurant, grumps at her husband, and then grumps at Dustbunnie, and then gets an exposition on werewolf history, including more library fires. Chronus basically walks down the hallway and peeks into the different classrooms, all while reflecting on dog shapeshifter history.

All in all, nothing really happens. Everything has already happened.

And, yes, I will keep complaining about this.

Also, as I mentioned before, I doubt that the “glitterati” of Ohio would all make the trek down to the southwest Ohio to go to a fancy restaurant (In fact, the general impression of Cincinnati up here in Cleveland is that it might as well be in Kentucky). Maybe people from Columbus would be there, but most likely nobody from Cleveland. In fact, I would be willing to wager that the “three baseball players” that showed up were all Reds, and no Indians.

Keep in mind, I’m not hating on Cincinnati (or even Kentucky), I’m just expressing the general view of people in Cleveland. Keep in mind that up here in Cleveland, there’s even a dichotomy between east Clevelanders and west Clevelanders, where it’s actually noteworthy when they meet someone from the other side.

In fact, Cincinnati-style chili happens to be my favorite. Just don’t tell the people I know in Texas know...

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 5

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Wed, 9 Jul 2014 13:13:00 -0400

Now we cover Chapter 5 of The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

Cutter has finally finished the work to open the brand new Shipsfeather Public Library. It’s been too long since she’s seen Chronus, but he’s been helping in the background, even if he hasn’t been socializing with her. She’s denied a grand opening so as it won’t interfere with Sybilla Dinzelbacher’s restaurant’s grand opening.

After discovering a stack of somewhat mutilated books in the library, she goes on a small tour, trying to identify potential werewolves in her staff. Unable to identify a single one, she eventually discovers a more innocuous cause of the book mutilation: a library patron’s teething puppy.

Chronus meets up with her and the two catch up. They discuss the problems Cutter had in funding the library and the over-the-top measures Harold Dinzelbacher has been trying to enforce to ensure that the library would not be safe from fire and arson. In the end, they reminisce on family, especially Cutter’s lack thereof, having been orphaned and raised by aunts.

Analysis

So, if I knew of the existence of book-burning werewolves, and some guy was doing almost everything he could to ensure that my library was a stray spark away from becoming a literary inferno, I’d start to suspect him. I mean, Harold Dinzelbacher might as well be demanding that the fire suppression heads be filled with gasoline. And nobody catches that?

You would think, even though the town is effectively run by werewolves, that someone on the county or state level would step up and enforce code. While I may not like Kasich’s anti-Libertarian attempts, I highly doubt he’s a werewolf… And iff he is, someone needs to explain to him the difference between a “libertarian” and a “librarian”.

The most irritating thing about this book though are not things solved by my actually suspending my disbelief for a moment, but rather the fact that most of the events that are described in the book happen in the past relative to the events in the book. An entire chapter may involve someone walking across a hallway, but will take up several pages as that character reminisces on the history of each thing he or she sees. This can be annoying for a reader such as I, as I’m painfully aware of “showy” versus “telly” writing (hint: showing is better than telling).

That is to say there are not places where telling gets things across. Many great writers do that. In fact, the first chapter of The Hobbit is practically Bilbo’s family history (and takes about an hour to read aloud). It just takes a bit of finesse to make it work. In Released, it’s not working.

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 4

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Tue, 8 Jul 2014 12:59:00 -0400

Moving on to Chapter 4 in The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

In this chapter, Chronus makes himself known to Cutter, revealing the ancient history of shapeshifters, the presence of dog shapeshifters in the basements of the building, and their recent battle with the book-burning werewolves. Cutter takes a moment for it all to sink in, but finally accepts it. Chronus leaves her for a few days while construction commences on the academy to fully transform it into the new library.

Analysis

It is at this point that something completely unrelated to the prose has come to bother me. It’s the print. The printers used some sort of dot-based printer. Now I can’t help but notice the individual dots of each letter as I read the book. Ugh.

Besides that, though, I felt that this chapter existed solely to bring the reader (through Cutter) up to speed on what’s going on. There are shapeshifters, and they have existed since forever, and the dogs decided to become librarians to help catalog wisdom. The wolves have become book burners, dedicated to squashing ideas. And that’s what it’s been like until now. In some ways I’m reminded of A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I found it funny that the burning of the Library of Alexandria and the destruction of the Maya codices was blamed on werewolves, as were lesser problems, like the deeds of grumpy librarians and ill-informed parents who want to prevent their kids from reading The Catcher in the Rye. I think those events have something else in common, and it’s not werewolves… (with possible exception of the Library of Alexandria, but the jury’s still out)

All in all, each chapter has left me more “meh” than anything else. I read it because it has more pages, and that’s about it.

Terrifying Children's Literature - The Thingumajig Book of Manners

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob P. Silvia) — Mon, 7 Jul 2014 12:01:00 -0400

My wife and I were discussing blankets recently, and how no matter how hot it is, we need a blanket covering some part of us to fall asleep. I only need a blanket covering my feet, and I can tell you why.

It was in the mid eighties, and I was learning to read. I started with a book about a cat who tries, and fails, to mimic what he sees on TV (I can’t honestly remember what this book is called). However, shortly after I started reading, I acquired a book called The Thingumajig Book of Manners by Irene and Dick Keller. Just looking at the cover sends shivers down my spine.

There’s something about the way they’re drawn that’s unsettling, but the most unsettling part was near the end (forgive me for not getting it right. I’d rather not actually look at the book anymore), about how they would eat your feet or toes. It could have even been them eating their own toenails. I have no clue.

I distinctly remember, as a young child, making sure my blanket was covering my feet, and tucked under the bottom of the foot of mattress. I would drift off to sleep, staring down towards the foot of my bed, terrified that a Thingumajig would pop its long-nosed, dark-haired head over the edge of my bed, give a sadistic, shrieking laugh, and then begin to gobble my toes. Shudder.

And that probably explains me.