I met a great guy recently online and we met for a spontaneous meeting at a coffee shop. We hit it off really well and ended up spending an entire night talking, watching a movie, and eventually cuddling together. We both discussed that we should take things slowly and did not end up doing anything sexual.

We’ve been texting daily ever since and have plans to spend time together this weekend. I can’t stop thinking about him! I would love to date this guy ! He seems great so far and gives me butterflies in my stomach! Should I plan anything elaborate for him? Get him a surprise gift or plan an overnight trip somewhere? Should I formally ask him out on a date? I don’t want to mess this one up, so please help!__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hello Friend!

Congrats to you on your new dating prospect! It sounds like the two of you share some good chemistry with each other and there appears to be mutual interest in exploring things further. I applaud you for holding off on taking things to the bedroom; this can often times sabotage a budding new relationship because an emotional connection has not yet been established and there is little foundation to build from once sex has been introduced into the mix. The early stages of dating are all about the “build-up”; getting to know each other, determining if there is genuine compatibility with your personal requirements for a partner and relationship, having fun and sharing new experiences as a bond begins to develop.

One of the challenges of these early stages of a new attraction to someone is tempering your excitement enough to make sure you take things slowly and gradually pace the development of the relationship. This means being very careful not to introduce things like gifts or extravagant trips too early. A degree of intimacy needs to be established first, otherwise you run the risk of scaring the guy off by coming on too strong before a true comfort level has been established with defining what you each want. This can only be accomplished with the passage of time and more shared experiences with each other to build up trust and connection. This also means being cautious about spending too much time with each other at the expense of attending to other friendships and responsibilities you may have in your lives. Too much closeness and contact too soon can also cause a dating relationship to fizzle prematurely because the intensity of your involvement peaks and plateaus too quickly before that intimacy can evolve. Remember that intimacy takes time and cannot be rushed. You each need boundaries and space as you’re getting to know each other to process what you’re thinking and feeling and to allow each other time to miss each other, foster more curiosity about one another, and to instill more desire about getting together and learning more about each other.

You seem like a true romantic, so go with that! Just remember to pace it and not to dive in head first. Flirtation, mystery and intrigue, creativity….these are all aphrodisiacs that fuel chemistry and attraction. To use an old term…engage in the process of “courtship”. Court him in your own unique way and style. You’ll be great!

You might also want to review the following article about how to pace a new dating relationship:  http://thegaylovecoach.com/2009/08/screech-putting-on-the-brakes-in-your-new-dating-relationship-for-everlasting-success/

Have a blast!

©Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions

http://web.me.com/harryfaddis/qol/TheQuestOfLife/TheQuestOfLife.html

I have broken up with my boyfriend due to his internet porn hook-ups. But I still love him and wish we could be together. It seems like all he wants from me is sex, but I know deep-down he wants more from our relationship but doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for me with his self-esteem issues and problems going on in his life. I need to be on my own now, but is it wrong for me to be yearning for him?

Loveless

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Dear Loveless:

As difficult as it was to put some closure to the conflictual relationship you were having with your boyfriend, I applaud you for setting some boundaries and doing what you needed to do to protect yourself. Being involved with someone with internet porn addiction is a very challenging, painful, and hurtful position to be in as you can constantly feel in competition with the pornography and know that you’re not completely the priority in your partner’s life that you want to be. In most cases, the origins behind the porn addiction have nothing to do with you as the partner and can be symbolic of some unmet needs, psychological wounds, or unfinished business from his past that impair daily functioning, especially relationships. Also, in most cases, the individual struggling with the addiction needs to have some degree of stabilization and “sobriety” from the compulsive behavior before any real progress and improvement can occur in a relationship that’s struggling because it’s such a distraction and powerful force in his life that takes energy away from the relationship.

Of course it’s ok for you to still be yearning for him! You’d invested your heart into a relationship with him and those feelings don’t just go away because you’re no longer together. It’s perfectly normal to be feeling that way too even with the recognition that it wasn’t a healthy situation for you to remain in for yourself. You’ll experience a bit of a grieving process for awhile with a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from despair and questioning whether you’ve done the right thing leaving him to positive anticipation of a better future. Be open and receptive to everything you’re feeling; it’s important to not stuff your emotions. Stay busy, connect with your support system, and begin the process of defining a new identity as a single person.

You seem like a passionate guy, and as such, you deserve to be involved with someone who can reciprocate the love, attention, and excitement you share for being part of a couple. During this transition time as you fly it solo, it will be important for you to reflect on your prior relationship. What lessons can you take from your involvement with him that can be applied for future dating relationships? What are some “red flags” that you can now be mindful of moving forward in your screening of dating prospects? What did you learn about yourself in how you’d conducted yourself in the relationship? What worked? What were your regrets? What role did you play in challenges? What would you do differently? By thinking about how you can grow from the experience and crafting a revised set of personal requirements for an ideal partner and relationship, you’ll be making optimal use of your new independence to prepare for more successful dating when you’re ready. Take your time, take good care of yourself, and I’m sending you many well wishes on your journey forward!

All my best!

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions

I’ve been dating a guy now for 3 months and for the past few weeks, we haven’t been getting together as much and I don’t hear from him as often because he says he’s busy. I’ve asked him about it and he says he has a great time with me and looks forward to spending time together, but that he’s busy or tired. His cell phone seems to be off a lot more now than it used to be. Should I move on? Is he just saying that to be nice, or is he not interested in me anymore? I’m so confused! Help!

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Friend:

I’m sorry that this is happening to you; it sounds like you really like this guy and feel a special connection with him and it’s got to be so disappointing that he doesn’t seem to be reaching out to you as frequently as you hope. Dating can be extremely frustrating when you don’t know how the other guy feels about you and it can make your mind spin.

When someone is really into you, he generally will want contact with you in some form or fashion on a consistent, regular basis. He’ll be enthusiastic and excited to be speaking with you or be in your presence. The fact that your guy doesn’t seem to be doing this doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not interested in dating you, however. It’s possible he’s taking things slow, is distracted by other things in his life, or perhaps views dating as a lower-level priority in his life.

I wouldn’t necessarily give up on the idea of dating him altogether; you may need more time for the two of you to figure out if this is a good match and if his attentiveness to you will begin to increase over time. At the same time, however, it would also be equally important for you to take the focus exclusively off of him and keep your options open…either by being open to other dating possibilities or focusing your energies on building your life up and making it more fabulous. The one thing you don’t want to do is to get caught up in a pursuer-distancer cycle with this guy. It’s a very common scenario to chase after someone by contacting them a lot when he doesn’t “show up” in your life as often as you’d like; this only serves to cause him to pull away even more, which triggers more insecurity in you and you pursue even more. This type of power struggle will inevitably lead to a negative outcome in many cases.

If you’re doing most of the work in this dating situation, pull back. Give him a chance to pursue you too. And if he still doesn’t initiate the amount of contact that you need, it’s important that you recognize this about him now before investing your heart too much into it because this is evidence about the way he typically navigates in relationships in terms of his need for space and boundaries. You seem like a very passionate guy who cherishes the companionship with someone, and you deserve that. He may not be “built” that way, but there are lots of other guys who are, it’s just a matter of finding them.

So I’d advise you to take the emphasis off of him, and put it more squarely on your life and channeling your energies into other outlets. And then see how things evolve, balancing your attention toward him with other interests. You deserve to be with someone who craves to be with you and who is just as passionate and adoring about you as you are him. You can’t make someone do that, so just observe what happens with him and keep your options open so as to protect yourself just in case. Just remember that one “good catch” deserves another, so never settle for less! I’m cheering for you, good luck!

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions

Check out the other shows at “Quest of Life” . There’s some great quality content to be heard!

Cheers,

Dr. Brian

The discussion deals with the impact that one’s sexual behavior can have when you’re dating and on a quest to find “The One.” It’s certainly a controversial topic for sure! What are your thoughts on casual sex when on the pursuit for a meaningful relationship? Does it help or hurt the cause? What are the boundaries, if any? Post your opinions below and let’s see what we all think about this tricky matter (pun not intended)…

Cheers,

Dr. Brian

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 12 years and over this period of time, we have both been unfaithful. My partner is very well-endowed and an exhibitionist and enjoys showing off his penis to others. Last week we were driving home from visiting friends when he suggested we stop off at a local cruising area. I agreed, but deep down I felt really sick about it. He ended up getting a couple guys to give him oral sex and I was very hurt and upset by this. Sex with him has become boring and it’s very much one-sided and he has no sense of adventure with me. I’m becoming more and more frustrated and am beginning to feel like the relationship may not last much longer. What do you suggest?

Help!

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Friend:

This situation sounds very hurtful to you and I can appreciate your pain; intervention is necessary as soon as possible to avoid any further damage. Scenarios like this come down to an understanding of your sexual values and boundaries; that is, what sexual behaviors and activities you are comfortable vs. uncomfortable with as well as those that you are willing vs. unwilling to tolerate. Based on your describing a physical feeling of “sickness” toward your partner’s preferences, it would appear that your value system likely opposes such activities and your inclinations probably lean more toward monogamy and a sexually adventurous lifestyle predominantly as a couple. The distress you’re feeling is originating from the fact that you’re giving your partner permission to do something that goes against your grain and value system. The associated pain is a natural consequence of allowing this behavior to continue and it would be important for you to examine the reasons behind your accommodating your partner’s behavior when it seems to hurt you so badly.

You and your partner would benefit from having a conversation about your sexual needs and values to determine if there is a goodness-of-fit with your sexualities. After listing those sexual behaviors and activities that you both desire, the two of you can then go about deciphering between those sex acts and beliefs that match and those that are in conflict. Can compromises be made? Can a new sexual contract be made that respects each person’s values and ideals?

If you’ve already had this discussion and your partner continues to partake with a sexual smorgasbord that opposes your preferences, his behavior could be deemed abusive. If you haven’t told him how you feel, it will be critical for you to do so as soon as possible because he can’t modify his behavior or work with you on meeting each other’s needs in an agreeable fashion if he doesn’t know that it bothers you, and it will require you to assert yourself and speak your truth directly and unapologetically. If you have spoken and have come to a mutually-agreeable decision and he continues to engage in this behavior and you say nothing, it becomes your responsibility to stop the destructive pattern. By going to the cruising areas with him, you are enabling his behavior and giving him the message that you’re ok with the fact that your needs don’t matter. Stop! Please don’t do this to yourself. Your needs matter and count and you deserve to have a sexual relationship with a partner in which you feel safe and respected and who wants to work together as a team to cultivate a pleasing erotic life in which you are both satisfied.

If neither one of you are willing to compromise, this may potentially be a situation of incompatible sexual values and you will have to determine if the relationship is viable under this type of pressure. Value differences tend to be leading cause of breakups because values are so core to who we are and what we stand for; when we compromise them, it tends to have the effect of “eating away” at us and will be a constant shadow menacing you. Determining the role that you want sex to play in your life and considering the other aspects of the relationship and their alignment with your ideal life and partnership will be important to reflect upon with your decision-making.

All the best with this, my friend. You deserve a relationship of trust, respect, and sexual vitality, but both partners must co-create together a vision of what would be most meaningful to them. I hope you and your partner can come to some new understandings and agreements that will be fulfilling to both of you in the long-run, but please be sure not to settle and sacrifice who you are by allowing fear to hold you back from living your life the way you ultimately want it to be. You deserve that happiness, but only you can conceive it and make it happen.

All my best,

©Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions

I am dealing with the break-up of a 9-year relationship and am trying to get on my feet again. He won’t deal with me anymore, but says he still cares about me. It’s really confusing because he’s so cold and distant one minute, and then being endearing the next. It hurts to me to no end to see him going out with other guys and I wish he would be a man and tell me what he wants rather than sending me all these mixed messages. Everyone tells me to leave him and move on, but I can’t help wondering if he’s just going through a midlife crisis or something. What should I do?

Broken Up

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Broken Up:

I’m sorry to hear about your break-up; it appears you had invested a lot of yourself into this relationship and it’s very hurtful with how things transpired and are being dealt with in the aftermath of it all. I can only imagine how painful this must be and it’s important for you to grieve this loss and create a new sense of meaning and purpose in your life to assist yourself in re-building a new life and identity.

It can be extremely difficult to “let go” of an intimate relationship that you had built your life and future upon, especially after 9 years. You can’t be expected to “bounce back” over night; this will be a process and thankfully it sounds like you have a good support system in place to lean on when you need them. Despite all the conflictual feelings you may be having, if your ex-partner continues to hurt you with you his behavior the way you describe, it may be in your best interests and well-being to discontinue contact for a time to allow yourself the opportunity to heal and bring yourself to a stronger place where you’ll be able to make more clear and healthy decisions for yourself. His behavior and presence might be extremely distracting and will make it difficult for you to center yourself and figure out your next steps when he continually triggers you. Setting some boundaries is the first step in empowering and protecting yourself.

Over anything else, your number one priority right now needs to be devoted to taking care of yourself. This means combating any vulnerability to becoming depressed by creating structure to your daily routine, keeping busy, reaching out to friends and family, journaling your thoughts and feelings to facilitate your grieving process, and practicing good self-care through exercise, good nutrition, and adequate sleep. This is also a great opportunity to begin making plans to shape your life in ways that will give you newfound fulfillment and enjoyment.

I encourage you to seek the services of a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships and grief to help you through this challenging adjustment. The GLBT National Hotline provides referrals to therapists in your area and they also have a free hotline that you can call at allotted times for telephone support when you need it. Their number is 1-888-843-4564. I would also suggest two books dealing with break-ups written specifically for gay men called “Moving On” and “When It’s Time to Leave Your Lover”. You can purchase them here if they would be of interest to you: http://astore.amazon.com/thegaylovecoa-20/detail/1575663783   http://astore.amazon.com/thegaylovecoa-20/detail/0789004976

Finally, here are some articles and advice posts I’ve written on this subject for additional tips: http://thegaylovecoach.com/category/singles-dating/breakups/

Please take care of yourself, my friend. Refuse to allow him to have emotional power over you. You have the ability to take back control of your life and to make it even more fulfilling as before. You deserve it!

All my best,

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

What follows below are some of the more common “I don’t want to’s” that many gay men fall prey to in trying to get their personals ad campaign off the ground with some tips on how to counteract these resistances. By overcoming these objections, you might just increase your odds of success on the probability scale of meeting up with a compatible quality “catch” like yourself!

1.  “I don’t want to upload images”

* Identify and examine reservations for posting a photo in your profile (generally fears of some kind, particularly of exposure, being judged, rejection, self-esteem & body image issues, etc.). Write down all of the reasons why you don’t want to post a clear and close-up photograph of your face and then come up with some counter-statements to defeat these negative thoughts and resistances.

* Emphasize the significant importance of “first impressions.” Generally speaking, a profile without a picture raises suspicions in the minds of many viewers. They wonder, “what is he hiding?” No posted picture can commonly raise some “red flags” to potential prospects, who may pass over the personals ad altogether without even reading the profile content and an opportunity may have been lost.

* Take full advantage of the picture by showcasing who you really are. Let your personality shine through, have a shot of you doing something that you love to do (in addition to a headshot) Make sure the picture is CURRENT. There’s nothing wrong with hiring a professional photographer but make sure that any “glam shots” are truly representative of who you are and beware of props in photos that distract from you or are sexualized in nature. Remember, you’re the star in your ad!

* A picture online gives you an identity and helps a viewer gain some personal contact with you when he’s visiting your ad.

 2.  “I don’t want to connect with any of matches; I’m not interested in them.”

* Unless there are some definite deal-breakers present in a match based on what’s documented, avoid pre-conceived notions or making assumptions about the man and approach each match with curiosity and intrigue. Getting to know someone and the mysteries inherent in learning more about them is fun and alluring! And just because a potential match may not be boyfriend material, they just might fit the bill for a new friend to add to your support network (and they may know someone who could be compatible for you as well!)

* Does the dating profile need tweaking? Is it truly representative of the type of person whom you’re seeking? Perhaps doing a make-over of the profile so it matches more specifically your vision for the ideal partner may help screen out those who may be incompatible.

* Seeking perfection and being “too picky” can alienate you from achieving your dating goals and can be self-defeating in your quest for Mr. Right. While you don’t want to compromise on your values, take care to differentiate between your needs and your wants to avoid narrowing down the dating pool to a point where nobody will ever be good enough and reach those high expectations you’ve set. You could be missing out on a great guy if you operate solely from a place that everything is non-negotiable.

* Define your relationship expectations. Are they rigid and limiting? Differences among people are gifts. Be open to dating people outside your typical “type”; if you resist this, try it anyway and pose it as an experiment and “be in the moment” with your date. You may just be pleasantly surprised!

 3. “I don’t want to put anything in my profile. I don’t know what to say.”

* This is the only way people are going to know whether you are a compatible match based on what’s written in your profile! Self-knowledge is key here! Your best screening tool is to know what your personal requirements are for your ideal partner and relationship (qualities and characteristics). What’s negotiable vs. non-negotiable for you? Incorporate this information into your personals ad profile by injecting some personal spunk into the content. Have a captivating headline that pulls viewers in to want to read more. You have a wonderful opportunity to showcase your personality in a unique and creative way that is both compelling and gives viewers a bite-sized glimpse into who you are, what you stand for, and what you’re ideally looking for in a mate. The online reader can only handle and digest small amounts of information, so hold back on writing a novel and maximize the space you have with writing a succinct advertisement of yourself. Have fun and be playful with it. Stand out from the crowd with your special spin, but make sure to be authentic and true to form. Be positive and remember that the more specific and clear you are on your personal requirements, the greater probability exists that more compatible matches will respond!

 4.  “I don’t want to initiate contact with my matches.”

* Dating is a pro-active art form requiring us to be in the driver’s seat of our lives. We have to be willing to make things happen for us by taking the necessary risks and asserting ourselves to realize and accomplish our destinies.

* In a recent survey I conducted on my site, the vast majority of gay men who responded indicated that they do not initiate conversations with men whom they find interesting or attractive, preferring instead to take a passive stance and waiting for others to approach them first. Huge mistake! Imagine how many potentially good relationships could have come to fruition had someone mustered up the courage and taken that first step and made the first move! Don’t be a casualty of this!

* When communicating, ask open-ended questions to elicit as much elaboration as possible. Show curiosity and genuine interest in the other person.

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

www.thegaylovecoach.com

This particular article is not for re-publication in other e-zines, magazines, or websites as OneGoodLove.com owns the rights to this material in partnership. Any questions or consent to do is required by that organization.

I tend to be a possessive person and have a hard time trusting my partners.  I’m not sure where this insecurity comes from, but I’ve been burned pretty badly in the past from prior lovers who cheated on me. I’ve recently started dating someone new for the past couple of months. Between me not being able to trust him and his own religious beliefs of not having sex until marriage (we’d been having it all along), he decided he needed a break. It’s been a week now and I still haven’t heard from him. I told him I would wait for him to contact me, but I really miss him and want this to work out. What should I do?

____________________________________________________________

Dear Friend:

I’m sorry to hear about the parting of the ways between you and your boyfriend but want to applaud you for having the maturity, insight, and self-awareness to recognize issues within yourself about some of your own personal contributions to some of the issues that were present in the relationship. This is a great thing and can definitely help you moving forward with future involvements. Jealousy and possessiveness can surely kill a budding romance and I encourage you to keep the momentum going by doing what you can, perhaps by working with a counselor, to learn how to manage insecurity and build trust so that future love connections won’t run the risk of being sabotaged when these projections pop out.

As far as your current separation from your boyfriend, it’s important to realize that we can’t “make” someone do something; we only have control over our own behavior. His decision about whether to reconcile with you is not within your control and any efforts on your part to try and exert too much influence might be met with resistance. If he doesn’t want to be together at this time, it’s important to respect his request for space so as not to alienate him and blow any chances for the two of you to work things out if that possibility exists.

So one option is to do nothing and wait for him to contact you. Don’t pine for him, however, as you are then placing all your hopes and expectations for happiness on the fate of whatever happens with him and that certainly is not a dependency you want to have, particularly if you never actually hear from him again. Instead, start living your life and moving on—don’t put it on hold. And if you happen to hear from him…bonus!

Another option would be to send him an e-mail or give him a call as a way to check-in since some time has gone by and he’s been on your mind. Use this as an opportunity to express how much the relationship meant to you and that you miss spending time with him. Ask how he’s doing and acknowledge the challenges that existed in the relationship before, acknowledging and taking responsibility for your part in the difficulties. You could also express a validation and respect for his value in holding off on sex to help him feel acknowledged, heard, and understood. If you’re feeling particularly daring, you could solicit his feedback and thoughts on the possibility of the two of you spending time together with a prohibition against sex so you can work on building other foundational parts of a relationship while respecting his value on holding off on intimacy. Offer this as a gentle invitation, putting the ball in his court. If he bites, great! Proceed slowly from there on out if he wants to give it a second chance.

If you choose the latter option, it’s very important that you not place any expectation of outcome on your effort. If you bank too much on this and you don’t hear from him or if you receive a “no” or a negative response, this could actually do more harm than good for yourself by triggering more anger and hurt and reinforcing your patterns of mistrust in men. Make sure your motives are in the right place and that you’re emotionally in a good place to handle a rejection if it were to possibly come your way, otherwise it might be best to just keep moving forward and view this relationship opportunity that you had had with him as a valuable learning lesson and get some counseling for working through these issues to help maximize your chances of success next time.

All my best to you,

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.