I’m in a new relationship with a great guy.  We’re still in the dating 
stage.  During intimacy, I have times when I’m unable to end by 
cumming.  It frustrates me more than it does him.  What can I do?

 ___________________________________________________________________

Hello Friend:

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles in your new sexual relationship. I can appreciate how your predicament causes you much frustration and that you’d like this remedied so you can enjoy your intimacy with your new boyfriend. This is actually a fairly common sexual difficulty for men, so please know you are not alone and there are ways to overcome this issue. The clinical term for this concern is Delayed Ejaculation or Ejaculatory Inhibition, in which the man is unable to have an orgasm and “cum” during sex. Lovemaking sessions can go on for hours without climax and can cause a man to grow increasingly frustrated, anxious, and defeatist. It’s important to know such things as….How long has this been going on? Have you experienced this before or has this only happened with this particular sexual partner? Are you able to have orgasms and ejaculate when masturbating alone?

I would encourage you to obtain a medical exam from your doctor to rule out any possible organic causes. More often than not these cases tend to be psychological in nature, but inability to climax can also be linked to medication side-effects, aging, or neurobiological issues. If everything checks out ok, it’s more than likely rooted in stress and anxiety or some kind of emotional block.

As men, we’ve been programmed to think we have to be excellent and skillful lovers and know exactly what to do in bed that will have our partners experience mind-blowing ecstasy and orgasms. This kind of pressure causes many men to experience performance anxiety that can get in the way of their experiencing their own pleasure in sex because they get stuck in their heads instead of being fully present in the moment and feeling their own pleasurable body sensations. Nothing kills sexual pleasure more than being distracted by worries of “how you’re doing.” Worse yet, with each consecutive sexual experience ending without a climactic ending, the anxiety spirals even more so that thoughts during the next encounter become centered on, “will I have an orgasm this time?” and “come on already, cum!!!” This almost insures it not happening. Fears of losing control, internalized homophobia, relationship issues and hostility toward the partner, sexual shame and low self-esteem, negative messages internalized about sex, and past traumatic experiences are also other possible causes of this challenge.

What can you do? Well first and foremost, relax and get out of your head! Enjoy the sexual experience rather than having orgasm be the goal, because an orgasm can’t be forced or willed into happening. Give yourself lots of opportunity for foreplay and erotic build-up before going gang-busters with penetration..that will come. Allow yourself to be pleasured and get to know the physical sensations that accompany your arousal and desire as your partner stimulates you. More focus on your body sensations will take you away from the worrisome thoughts in your head and allow your body to naturally progress through your sexual response cycle. Engage in lots of erotic massage and touching experiences to make sure you’re fully stimulated and allow yourself to be selfish with surrendering to and enjoying the pleasurable feelings. Fantasy can also help heighten the intensity as well as erotic talk. If you “top” in sexual situations with your partner, avoid penetrating him until you are at a very high level of sexual arousal (therefore long foreplay sessions are best!). Also see if you can use cues and signals that allow you to orgasm during solo-masturbation that you could possibly transfer over into a sexual situation with a partner. If none of these suggestions work, it might be helpful to seek out the services of a trained sex therapist who could prescribe additional strategies and work through any psychological blocks that might be getting in the way of your sexual satisfaction.

So enjoy your new relationship, my friend. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to impress your new lover and stay body sensation-focused rather than being distracted by the chatter in your mind. You deserve to experience pleasure, so give yourself permission to be selfish during sex. While it’s very caring of you to want to please your partner and it’s ok to do so, his pleasure is ultimately his responsibility and its important for you to balance this with your own needs as well. Stop fighting for the orgasm to come…it will happen naturally for you when you begin to give up control and allow yourself to surrender to the pleasure of the moment, making sure you’re fully engaged and allow all five senses to come through in your erotic encounters. Enjoy!

All my best,

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I realize he is operating from a point of fear. I  want to be supportive. However – I am in my 40’s now - and well I am starting to feel “invisible”  – like I am choking.  We have limited  our friends to just a few. He hates to leave the house for fear of  being seen together.

I have tried to make him see that we need to “come out ” at least a little , but he can’t take the humiliation.  He has spun such a web now that to “come out” will be devastating for him and his ‘friends” that do not  know.

I still love him – but I am suffocating !  How do I make him see this  and “HEAR” me?

Lonely

___________________________________________________________________ 

Dear Lonely:

You are definitely in a difficult situation and your struggles are commonplace for men in your particular relationship style. Generally speaking, it has been observed that men of similar “levels of outness” tend to experience less stress and conflict and tend to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction than those couples in discordant identity arrangements.

For you being the partner with more comfort and pride in your sexual identity, it is likely that you often times feel “held back” by your partner’s lack of security with himself as you are limited in the types of things you can do in public, and even within the confines of your own support network with family and friends. As such, it can feel like you are being forced back “into the closet” after having worked so hard over time to claim a positive self-concept as a gay man. Conversely, your partner can feel pressured before he’s ready to take on situations that are risky and threatening to him and a perpetual push/pull dynamic gets set in motion in these types of relationships that can make both of you feel overwhelmed, resentful, and unsupported. Probably sounds familiar, I bet.

I wish I had better news for you, but unfortunately there’s not a whole lot you can necessarily do on your end for him. Your partner’s closeted lifestyle preference is his issue and you can’t “make” him change his ways , and it’s solely his responsibility to come out to others when and if he chooses. All you can do is communicate your needs and feelings to him and share with him your concerns that your differing levels of “outness” have on your relationship and what it means for the two of you moving forward. You can also encourage slow, gradual, risk-taking behaviors that the two of you do together in terms of public exposure as a gay couple, but again you can only solicit these suggestions to him and he will ultimately choose whether this is something he’s willing to forego.

It will be important for you to determine for yourself how much stock you place in this particular value for your happiness. Is it a negotiable or non-negotiable deal-breaker need for you to be in a relationship with someone who is as “out” as you are? If your partner were to never “come out of the closet”, would you be able to spend the rest of your life in a relationship such as this knowing you would have to continue living with certain sacrifices? These are the types of things you and your partner would benefit talking with each other about.

While two men who are “out” and open and two men who are both closeted tend to fare better because each is living the same reality, men in your situation where one is “out” and the other isn’t can and do make their relationships work, but sacrifices are made. You will have to decide for yourself what these specific sacrifices would be and if the investment you’ve made with your partner after all these years is more important to you than the individual growth potential you might have to give up to an extent to respect and accept your partner’s needs for privacy and anonymity. It’s also possible your partner just needs more time and you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to wait.

So while you may feel like you’re in a powerless position, you actually do have some control over your future…it’s just that they’re not very fun decisions and they have the capacity to lack guarantees and can be extremely life-changing. So avoid being impulsive and reactive at all costs. I would recommend before doing anything else to avoid getting into power struggles over this issue because your partner can’t take those personal journeys until he’s emotionally equipped and ready. I would also recommend you seek the services of a trained therapist who can help you dialogue further about this with each other as a couple, and this might be a good segue for your partner to find the strength to do some individual work on his own to work through his fears and build his self-esteem and confidence to promote a positive gay identity. You could also benefit if you desire help sorting through your values and clarifying them for sound decision-making and problem-solving.

My fingers are crossed for you, my friend. My hope is that you both find the courage to keep striving for your own individual and couple growth-potentials to have the greatest quality-of-life you can! You deserve it!

All my best,

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

One of the most common complaints I receive from single gay men about the dating scene is their frustration and pain of wearing “the battle scars” of mistreatment at the hands of other men they’ve met for potential friendship and dating. “Why doesn’t he call me back when he says he will?” “Why did he say he was interested and then I find him online cruising for other guys?” “I found out Mr. Wonderful was married!” “These guys are so rude and crass in those Internet chatrooms!”  These are just a few of the many scenarios described by many singles who report feeling jaded by the actions of their fellow gay brothers who have slighted them or made them feel “less than” as they navigate their way through the dating jungle.

It is a curious thing to ponder how a disenfranchised group like gay men, who have historically suffered discrimination from a homophobic culture, could treat each other with such disdain and cruelty when we are all essentially in the same boat trying to find love, happiness, and a place we can call our own in this world. But it doesn’t have to be this way! We don’t have to project and mirror the same homophobia we’ve been programmed with at each other as weapons. Pooling together as a group with a collective empathy to provide support and understanding for what it’s like to be a gay man and single in the millennium can go a long way toward improving the social climate and self-esteem of our community and the men that comprise it.

There are many possible reasons why we treat other with the degree of misconduct that we do in the dating world. Some men are acting-out internalized homophobia. Others do so purely out of bad manners and poor social skills. But more often than not, many men are afraid to be direct and honest out of fear of hurting the other person’s feeling; they therefore take “the easy way out” by disappearing off the face of the earth or ignoring a dating prospect who they don’t particularly have an interest in pursuing further. While perhaps well-intentioned, this only serves to hurt the recipient more and this type of immaturity can backfire and begin to develop a negative reputation and image of the man doing the “ditching.”

We cannot change other people; we only have responsibility over our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Therefore, we each as individuals can begin taking stock of our own personal values and ethics to determine if we are carrying ourselves in alignment with who we want to be. If there is a discrepancy between who we are and who we want to become, this is where we then want to channel our energies toward evolving into that man of integrity who treats himself and others with dignity and respect.

Tips for Becoming a Dating Man of Integrity

• In the world of online communication, we can begin to feel disconnected from the human experience. Don’t! Remember that the man on the other side of the computer screen is a human being with feelings. Treat him kindly as you would if you were speaking to him in-person.
• Good-manners are sexy! Remember to use “please”, “thank you”, and all the other common courtesies we were supposed to have been taught as children; and if you weren’t fortunate enough to get this kind of training, now is the time to start educating yourself on how to become more socially sophisticated and savvy. Not only will you become more polished, but you’ll also be engendering more positive impressions of yourself in the minds of others as you treat them with the respect they deserve.
• If you’re not interested in seeing someone again for a date, tell him so directly. Or if you initially agree and then change your mind, tell him. A simple “Thank you for taking the time to meet me and I enjoyed talking with you. I don’t think we’d be a match for dating but I wish you all the best” is a much better approach than game-playing, lying, and deceit.

Homework Task:

Sit back, relax, and conduct a values clarification visualization in your mind of what you picture as being a man of integrity. What does he say and do that strikes you as admirable and well-mannered? Write down all the qualities and characteristics that describe this ideal man in his presentation, style, and demeanor from an individual and social standpoint. Then identify those qualities that resonate with who you are now versus those traits that you’d like to aspire to become. Develop goals for yourself to begin working on building and integrating those qualities into your identity as a starting-point for your personal evolution into the ultimate man of depth and substance you’d like to become. Remember that high self-esteem results when we behave in accordance with our values and personal ethics.

Conclusion

If we all as gay men developed the mindset of living with integrity and becoming more socially conscious of the effects our behavior has on others, the dating world might perhaps feel a little less dangerous and more of a welcome and safe environment to get to know other men. One man at a time can generate this movement. In closing, here is a quote from therapist and book author Joe Kort that I just love that speaks directly to the message of this article. Use this gem as an affirmation to take personal inventory and responsibility for who you are and want to be as a gay man.

“Would the small child you once were look up to the adult that you have become?”                                            –Joe Kort, LMSW

© Brian L. Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

www.thegaylovecoach.com

This particular article is not for re-publication in other e-zines, magazines, or websites as OneGoodLove.com owns the rights to this material in partnership. Any questions or consent to do is required by that organization.

My ex and I broke up a couple of months ago, but since then  he’s continuously trying to get in touch with my friends and me  through email, text, calls, Facebook, etc. He won’t leave me or my friends alone!

If I block him online,  then he just make a new email.  It’s getting kind of ridiculous and annoying, and just generally not right. What makes it worse is that whenever he gets in contact with me or  anyone else he’s constantly lying about me, and when he does reach me, he just keeps telling me about everything in his life  and I just dont want to hear it. I have no idea how to just stop him. Any advice would be awesome, thanks. 

Harrassed

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Harrassed:

Yikes! What a very challenging situation to be in and I can imagine how frustrating it must be to continually have your privacy invaded. Your ex-boyfriend’s difficulties grieving the end of your relationship and problems “letting go” are also making it challenging for you to be able to move on with your life and gain some closure.

The first step obviously, if you haven’t already done so, would be to talk to him the next time he contacts you (because it sounds like he probably will with the way things are going!) and make it clear that you do not desire any more contact with him and that you expect him to stop contacting you and your friends through all means (telephone, email, mail, social media, etc.). Make it short, simple, concrete, and terminate the conversation. The more talking that occurs, the more “wiggle-room” he’ll have to hook you.  Maintain your boundaries at all costs from that point forward, which means to not return any of his phone calls or emails and refuse to answer, take, or reply to any of his contacts. Any contact he has with you only feeds his obsession with you and fantasies of the hope for reconciliation. Any attention you give him, whether positive or negative, only reinforces his behavior and gives him encouragement. Make sure all the other people he contacts also do the same with ignoring his behavior.

If your ex continues his harassment, this could be considered a form of stalking. I would recommend that you contact your local police department and have them educate you on your rights surrounding this issue. You don’t have to disclose your sexual orientation if you don’t want to; you basically just want to know your rights and acquire some tips from law enforcement on how you can handle this problem. Each geographical region and jurisdiction can have varying laws on stalking and harassment. 

Obtaining a restraining order or filing a police report might be helpful for you as a form of protection, particularly if you have any concerns that your ex could potentially become violent or engage in any destructive or reckless behavior. Having this documentation on file with law enforcement can at least start a paper trail going and keep you protected.

I would also encourage you to keep your own personal journal and log every incident of harassment and stalking that occurs should you need it for legal reasons in the future. Develop a detailed safety plan for how you would protect yourself in the event that he ever became violent or out-of-control and taking some self-defense classes might be prudent if you have any concerns about this scenario occurring. Even though you may not think your ex would be capable of such behavior, many obsessive-types can become extremely dangerous, irrational, and impulsive, so your safety needs to be a priority.

The following website of the National Center for Victims of Crime has a hotline and other resources that can be helpful for victims of stalking:  http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/Main.aspx

Take good care of yourself, my friend. I’m sorry that you have to go through this and hope that this nightmare ends soon for you so that you can move forward with your life and start creating new positive experiences. 

All my best,

(c)Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dear Coach:

I am an 18 year-old gay guy in college who has been “out” about his sexuality for 
roughly two years. I have multiple problems that stem from one major  problem. I’m not sure if I should be “out” on Campus. I am going to a  school that is of moderate right-wing affiliation that has been endorsed by anti-gay politicians in the community, and as I’ve been doing research, I’ve noticed, they are notoriously slow at  implementing GLBT programs. The problem is, I am majoring in Medicine, so I have high hopes and great challenges ahead.

I’ve been debating that if I “come out” at my school, would that be a plus or a negative to the future of my medical career? On one side of the argument, I know I should focus 100% on my education, regardless of my orientation; on the other hand, I have  supreme leadership qualities, and I quite often do not follow the  mainstream population, and I feel, if I don’t come out, I am leaving  my fellow closeted gay friends in a bind and am enabling homophobia.  All too much, we gay men are afraid to come out and  be who we are, which, in my opinion, makes it harder for the next generation to come out. My mother insists I be closeted in college, as  she feels our state has not quite adapted to the homosexual  understanding. 

I am very confused, as there is much that I want to do…I’d like to fall in love with a college sweetheart, adopt kids overseas, and create programs dedicated to helping parents understand that homosexuality is ok, and they should not feel they need to change their child or children’s orientation.  My medical career plans are also very central to me and I also don’t want to do anything that would harm that, yet I also feel driven by my needs to fight for gay rights.  I was wondering,  do you have any advice for college gays whom are hesitant about coming  out, but, think that coming out would be best for the overall  well-being of the gay community at the University?

A wise man once  said,

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments 
of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge 
and controversy.”

I treasure this statement, and, honestly, I do not want to be seen as a hypocrite!

Please help!

Signed,
Confused, heartbroken, and upset

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Friend:

I had to smile as I read your letter, thinking to myself, “Wow! This young man is definitely going places!” Thank you for writing and I’m very impressed by what you had to say and I’m honored to make your acquaintance. Your ambition and desire to make a difference in gay rights and liberation is quite honorable and I have no doubts after reading your letter and feeling your passion shine through that the day will come when you make a splash that is going to further our cause in some way.

I can certainly appreciate your dilemma as you begin your studies at your conservative school. What your decision is going to boil down to is to choose between your personal values and your educational goals. Pretty heavy stuff since both are so essential to your quality-of-life! This is not something you want to dive into quickly because there’s obviously a lot at stake (your future!), so I would advise you to temper your emotion and impulses concerning your advocacy needs for the LGBT at your college (but don’t lose your fighting spirit!) and spend a great deal of time thinking things through first before acting. I would encourage you to do a cost/benefit analysis of your dilemma by writing out all the advantages and the disadvantages of “coming out” at school vs. the pros and cons of being “closeted” and see what emerges from that.

You must be very careful in whatever direction you proceed. Many people’s careers and lives have been significantly damaged by trying to impact change in right-winged institutions and communities. You are also very correct in that the only way we as gay people are ever going to claim equal rights and treatment is by asserting ourselves and refusing to succumb to homophobic pressures to remain invisible and silent. Only you can make the choice that’s going to be right for you and it’s important to consider all the positive and negative consequences that will go along with either option you choose and to take responsibility for those. It’s also more difficult for only one individual to influence a system; change occurs more rapidly and dramatically when confronted by groups of people, as evidenced by the various revolutions that have occurred historically in our society. It’s important to keep this in mind as you move forward with your planning.

If you decide to “go for it” and fight the university system, it will be important to rally together other supporters and allies. This option does hold considerable risk to your reputation and image on campus and could potentially cause problems for you in your education and standing at the school due to homophobic backlash at what they will perceive as your rebellion to upset their structure. There’s also no guarantee that these things would happen and you could actually become an innovator of positive change with your advocacy for gay rights too, but there’s no telling. Weigh the risks carefully.

Here’s another perspective for you to consider. Timing is also a critical consideration in your decision-making. For example, a gay adolescent in high school who lives at home with his parents is usually advised to hold off on “coming out” unless there are some assurances that he will be accepted unconditionally. Due to the fact that most gay teens are financially dependent on their families at this stage of life, a nightmare “coming out” experience with the family that could result in a banishment of the teen from the home puts him at considerable risk with homelessness potential, etc. The same thing could be said about your situation with your college. Is the potential risk of your education and future career being jeopardized worth it to you to fight for your values at this specific time? Or perhaps you could postpone your advocacy efforts until after you’ve already established yourself safely with degree/diploma in hand and then make your mark for LGBT rights. The choice is ultimately yours, but it’s also important to be aware that one cannot usually effectively help another person or community until he is solid himself and has his own foundation set. May you be better able to serve and carry out your vision once you’ve obtained your education by having more tools and experience at hand?

If you decide to postpone your advocacy desires, it doesn’t mean you have to necessarily put them on the back shelf until you earn your degree. What are some other ways you can meet your needs for fighting for gay rights? Are there other outlets or avenues you could channel your energies toward that wouldn’t tamper directly with your educational pursuits? You could search out other national gay rights agencies, such as Human Rights Campaign (http://www.hrc.org/) for example, and inquire about volunteer opportunities through them to feed that part of you that hungers to make a difference…at least until you’re ready to seek out on your own personal path of leadership. And if you feel like you’re selling yourself out by not doing something about the state of affairs at your school, it might also be prudent to examine whether that is the type of school you want to gain your education and perhaps seek out other institutions of higher learning that might be a better “goodness-of-fit” for you. Searching out books on “coming out” in school or in the workplace might also shed some additional light for you on how to cope most productively with your situation.

I hope that sharing these varying perspectives helps you to clarify a little better about what will ultimately be best for you in the long-run. Only you can make this most personal decision and it’s important to factor in all the different angles and weigh the risks with the rewards. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to protect yourself first and foremost because it will be difficult for you to accomplish your lofty goals and ambitions without having a solid and centered foundation to start and grow from (and fall back on resourcefully). Timing is crucial, and it’s wise to make an honest appraisal of whether you are emotionally and financially equipped to take on the challenges and inherent responsibilities that come with trying to change a dysfunctional system while trying to balance all the other roles and demands you have going on in your life. You can’t be any good to anyone else until you yourself are healthy, grounded, and well-taken care of.

I wish you all the best with your quest, my friend. Whether it be now during your college career or sometime thereafter when you establish your professional identity in the psychiatric field, I can sense that you’re going to be instrumental to the lives of many and you’ll be making quite a legacy for yourself. Thank you again for writing and you’d better keep me posted! We need passionate, strong, gay men such as yourself, but it’s very important to take good care of yourself first and protect your interests so you can then better make the most of your passions and talents. Cheers to you! Good luck! You’re something special!

All my best,

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I am new to gay dating and have my first date coming up soon. I’ve 
never been on a date with a man and there are a few things I’ve always 
wondered about. Who pays?

We met online and both drive at least an hour to reach each other, he 
drives further, so do I pay? Or do we pay for each other or ourselves? 
I am very confused about that! Also, do I bring him a gift to be 
romantic? We talk on the phone a lot and if I was dating a girl I 
would bring her a rose, but would that just be weird to bring a guy a 
flower or candies or something? I really like him and want to impress 
him! Do I pull his chair out? Or is that a little ridiculous? We have 
already stated no sex on the first date, but is a kiss okay? If I give 
him a kiss right when I approach him I think that sets the wrong tone, 
but I don’t want to seem like a prude either!

If you could put my mind at ease on these silly frivolous things, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks, Jittered

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Jittered:

Congrats on your date! How exciting!

I would imagine you have lots of nervous anticipation and it’s perfectly normal for you to be feeling all topsy-turvy. Enjoy these feel-good-feelings because it most certainly is a magical experience. However, I would encourage you to approach this first get-together as a “meeting” and not a “date”. If you’ve never gotten together in person and have only communicated via online or the telephone, face-to-face contacts sometimes can be quite different and you don’t want to get trapped in a situation where you’re stuck if things don’t mesh up. By viewing it as a “meeting” rather than a “date”, it also takes the pressure off and first meetings are usually best kept to a short encounter and one that is activity-oriented.

For example, good places to meet up might be a coffee shop or taking a walk through a park or zoo. Avoid going to the movies because that doesn’t afford much time to talk to each other and get to know one another. It’s usually a good idea to skip having a romantic dinner on the first meeting as well because even though you may have had some hot chemistry going on the phone, that may not transfer over to an in-person situation and then you’re stuck having a long intimate dinner with someone that becomes loaded with expectation when you’re just not “feeling it”; there’s nothing more awkward! Postpone the candle-lit dinner until after the first meeting to ensure that there truly is physical and emotional chemistry and that there appears to be some alignment with your personal requirements for a mate before putting yourself in such a position.

Perhaps the number one rule of dating etiquette is to be yourself! If you feel like holding the door open for him, then by all means go for it! But only if that’s the kind of guy you are…you want your behavior to be a genuine representation of your personality and character. Be true to yourself and behave in ways that are polite and show respect for your potential dating prospect. While our heterosexual counterparts have been socialized to behave according to subscribed roles, as gay men we do not have such guideposts to refer to so we have to make it up as we go along, and that’s why it’s best to show your authentic self from the get-go and let that be your reference point.

A lot of the things you do during your meeting will be dependent on reading the social cues and body language that is occurring in the exchanges between you and the other guy. For example, when I was dating, a guy with good manners and who was chivalrous like pulling a chair out or holding a door open scored major bonus points with me. However, other men might be put off by such actions and a masculinity tug-of-war could occur, so try to be mindful of how you think he might respond or react to such acts of kindness by how the tone of your interactions are going. And while it’s a nice thought and generous of you to consider bringing a gift on a first meeting, it is probably advisable to hold off on this until the relationship progresses a little further because this can scare many men off right away as they fear being suffocated or that premature intimacy is being rushed. Sometimes it can also look like you’re trying to impress him and “win him over”. It is not your job to get him to like you. He should like you for who you are, not for what you can do for him, so take the emphasis off of feeling like you have to be on a performance to prove your worth. Relax, and just enjoy spending time with him and getting to him better to see if he matches your personal requirements for you’re a partner and relationship.

Your no-sex agreement is a great idea as sex to soon often times can sexualize a relationship too soon before its had a chance to build its own solid foundation of friendship and trust; the relationship gets defined around sex instead of qualities of more substance and depth and can often times be responsible for ending a relationship before it’s had a chance to get off the ground. Kisses on a first meeting can be nice, but again will be dependent on how the flow of the get-together has been going and to gauge the level of interest, attraction, and chemistry that is or isn’t pumping between the two of you. There’s also no right or wrong answer with money; it’s more about what makes you feel comfortable. Many men go “dutch” on a first meeting; others have one paying and then the other pays the next time. Sometimes one guy does most of the “wining and dining.” Just go with what feels right for you and if you continue to see each other, you can talk more about this issue along with the others.

So enjoy your get-together with this new potential dating prospect and go with the flow. Rid yourself of all the “what-if” thoughts and just stay fully present in the moment when you’re with him. There’s no need to impress; just be yourself and let things evolve naturally and as they are meant to be and that will help minimize your jitters. You can create a favorable impression in the other guy’s mind of you by saying and doing things that make him feel good about himself, but only be genuine or you can come off looking like a “smooth-talker” or a fake. And rather than worrying about whether he likes you and wondering how he’s thinking the meeting is going, keep your thoughts centered on “living in the moment” so you won’t be distracted and keep your eyes peeled for indications of whether he would be a good match for you with your needs for an ideal boyfriend.

Have a great time, my friend! Get out of your head and just have fun! And just remember that you’re a good catch and you have nothing to prove! It will be one very lucky guy who recognizes that fact when he’s out with you! Good luck!

All my best!

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I have met a GREAT guy and we spend every moment together and have a lot of fun. After 5 weeks of dating we kissed, and a week later we had non-stop sex for four days straight. His ex found out that he was starting to see a new guy (me!) and decides to mess with his head. They got into a big fight and now the ex is out of the picture again and the guy I’m seeing realizes that he was trying to sabotage him. We are still spending a lot of time together and he has asked me away on a trip for New Year’s Eve, which I have accepted.

Last night, he came over after a wonderful time spent with friends and we hung out on the sofa. As it got late he said, “I should go before I get into trouble” (trouble = sex). Have I lost him physically or do I just need to give him
time? I so long to cuddle up with him and kiss on him. It sure would be great to resume having sex again, but I’m willing to take my time. He calls every day asking to do something. We are friends, which is the foundation for a relationship…I’m just looking for more of what we had going before he had this hiccup. What do I do?

Flustered & Confused

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Flustered & Confused:

Ugh, how frustrating, huh? Everything’s going along just swimmingly until you hit a speed bump and now the momentum has slowed down in your dating relationship. While it’s certainly disappointing to have to what seems like “going backwards” after having experienced such great passion with him, it’s very important to respect the pacing of where things are at right now—and actually, it may be a blessing for you.

Relationships that take off rapidly often times burn out quickly because they haven’t had enough time to develop naturally and build the necessary components of friendship and emotional intimacy that lay the foundation for a good prognosis of long-term success as partners. This lag that you are now experiencing with your guy could actually be a good thing in disguise to help steady the playing field and avoid defining the relationship solely by your sexual compatibility.

It’s very possible that your guy’s run-in with his ex-boyfriend stirred up some unresolved and residual baggage from that prior relationship and he may need more time to grieve that and gain some closure before he’ll have 100% to give to a new involvement. So if a true-blue dating relationship with him is what you seek, it would behoove you to allow him that space to work through his issues; distracting him with seduction will only serve to sabotage a potentially good thing because those issues will eventually demand his attention for resolution, and you will then be smack-dab in the middle of this drama and could really complicate things.

Let things between the two of you evolve gradually and naturally and enjoy the process. While it’s important to respect his boundaries about the degrees of closeness he’s comfortable with at this time, it’s also important not to get stuck in “the friendship trap.” This is where a couple in the beginning of attempting to date each other spend so much time together building a foundation of companionship that they end up losing the erotic spark and physical attraction that’s necessary to take things to a new level. So continue to build, nurture, and capitalize on your bonding friendship, but at the same time keep a level of sexy, playful flirtation and intrigue going in your interactions with him to keep him interested and infatuated. You want to keep letting him know in ways that are non-threatening so he doesn’t feel pressured that you are definitely interested in exploring things further. Gauge how things are going and don’t be afraid to be direct and communicate your feelings if things continue to be vague and confusing if he doesn’t seem to be mirroring back your interest, but the timing will be important.

So see how things play out through the holiday and during your trip on New Year’s Eve, as you might learn more important information by then, especially since the final holiday of the year can often times have a lot of romantic undertones with people who share reciprocal attractions for each other. If there’s still doubt beyond, there’s nothing wrong with doing a “check-in” with him at that point to see if you guys are still on the same page with your desires.

Good luck, my friend! My fingers are crossed for you, and enjoy!

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Not only is it important to know who you are and what you’re looking for, but there are also some essential ingredients that are common to all intimate relationships that will be important to be present in a dating situation with men you become involved with. What follows is a list of those critical relational elements that you’ll want to be attuned to as you’re dating to help you with your decision-making about whether you and a certain guy are truly a goodness-of-fit before actually committing to each other. These aren’t hard-fast rules, but the more of these characteristics that are present in your relationship with your dating partner, the greater the chances are of your becoming a successful couple. So be observant of the presence, or lack thereof, of these qualities as you’re getting to know each new guy until you land a winner!

 1.  Friendship

This may seem obvious, but it’s important to like the man you’re with and to enjoy spending time with each other. The two of you share a special and meaningful camaraderie that is unique only to you and you have a solid foundation built for intimacy and sharing.

 2.  Respect

You honor and celebrate your guy for who he is, not who you want him to be, and treat him with dignity and admiration.

3.  Companionship

The two of you have compatible interests and you can share these experiences to enrich your relationship and build a history. You have the ability to play with each other and also have your own separate pursuits that diversify your identities, which only serves to benefit your relationship.

4.  Shared Values

The most successful couples have a shared value system and philosophies of life. This is perhaps the #1 cause of many conflicts in a relationship when the partners don’t share similar visions and often times leads to break-ups due to the “deal-breaker” nature of such beliefs and stances on issues. Discover each other’s values VERY early on in your dating to avoid becoming too emotionally invested should a serious discrepancy emerge later on down the road.

5.  Trust

Without this element, there is no relationship. To be a couple requires both men to be vulnerable, open, loyal, and committed to honesty. A climate of safety must be established and evolves slowly over time with each experience and behavioral action. Making sure you do what you say you’re going to do consistently is a hallmark of integrity.

6.  Communication

You must be able to openly dialogue about your thoughts and feelings and also be able to listen to each other non-defensively and without judgment.

7.  Good Conflict Resolution Skills

This requires you both to be able to mange anger and conflict appropriately without lashing out and learning how to compromise and problem-solve dilemmas that will inevitably emerge in the relationship. Developing a collaborative “teamwork” approach to challenges is essential, as is learning to how to deal with stalemates and respecting each other’s differences and perspectives.

8.  Affection & Sexual Passion

A healthy intimacy fueled with passion, desire, and attraction keeps the spark alive in a long-term relationship. Creativity, variety, and spontaneity are all important in manifesting continued captivation and intrigue. Nonsexual affection is also critically vital.

9.  Compatible Levels of ‘Outness’ and Gay Pride

Men with similar comfort levels with their sexual orientation tend to fare better (two closeted men and two “out” men as opposed to a variation of these themes) overall due to the shared understandings of those lifestyles. Couples with greater pride in being gay also tend to enjoy in most cases higher satisfaction levels due to the ability to be uninhibited and free with their partnership in all settings.

10.  Sound Mental Health & Well-Being

Men who are devoted to personal growth and are motivated to stay healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and spiritually are in great positions for solid relationship potential. This entails healing emotional wounds from the past, completing unfinished baggage from the past, building a solid self-esteem, cultivating a positive relationship with their sexual identity and masculinity, and developing resilience to life’s challenges. These men are open and available for men free from unsettling distractions.

There are of course many more characteristics that go into crafting a healthy relationship, but by keeping these foundational elements in the back of your mind as you’re building rapport and friendship with a dating prospect, you’ll be able to use these as an additional screening tool toward selecting the best potential Mr. Right for yourself. Enjoy the process!

(c) Brian L Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

www.thegaylovecoach.com

This particular article is not for re-publication in other e-zines, magazines, or websites as OneGoodLove.com owns the rights to this material in partnership. Any questions or consent to do is required by that organization.

My boyfriend seems to have a television addiction.  We met earlier 
this year, and he moved into my house a couple of months ago.  
Although my boyfriend does participate in a group sporting activity 
one day during the work week, his greatest interest is watching 
television from the time he comes home until the time goes to sleep.   

 We do  communicate well during the day over the phone when both of us are at 
work (he often calls me).  However, once we are both home in the 
evening, my boyfriend has no interest in talking to me.  He would 
rather watch certain television shows and not be bothered, and he’s not tired from working all day when he comes home.  We  usually have sex once a week or once every two weeks. 

He has never  had a partner before me.  Since his family watched television from the 
time they came home till the time they went to bed, he thinks there is 
nothing unsual about his viewing habits.   How can I get him to 
realize that his watching television is impacting our intimacy?

___________________________________________________________________

Hello Friend!

Ugh! There’s nothing worse than being in competition for the attentions of your boyfriend with a television set! I can appreciate your frustration and it’s good that you’ve reached a place to where you’re not personalizing his behavior and instead recognize that this is a habitual pattern set into place from his growing-up years. And some more good news is that habits can be unlearned and changed…but only if the individual in question is willing and motivated to do so.

Before getting into some problem-solving options, one important thing that you do NOT want to do is to get into a power struggle with him over his TV viewing; if he feels that you are trying to take this away from him or are trying to control his behavior, he will most likely rebel and you can count on more conflicts and dissention in the relationship. So avoid any complaining or passive-aggressive digs about he and his TV; he will only get defensive and attempt to protect that which is his haven. As difficult as this may be for you, the more attention and pressure you place on this issue with him, the more powerful a dividing force it will become in the relationship, and you’ll be on the losing end of that battle.

One suggestion might be for you to sit down with him in a classic style of communication and dialogue. Before jumping into your concerns about his TV viewing and the impact it has on your relationship, make sure to validate the importance and meaning that television has for him so you can start the conversation on a positive note. He’ll be more receptive to what you have to say in most cases if he feels you understand him and don’t judge his actions. Try starting out by telling him that you can appreciate and honor his need for TV-time; perhaps that it is a stress-relieving outlet for him, it’s a favorite recreational activity for him, it relaxes him and gives him pleasure…whatever you think he gets out of it, communicate those things to him so he truly feels that you “get” him.

You can then segue into a discussion of the type of relationship that you envision for yourself as being the most fulfilling and rewarding. You can help him understand how much you value time outside the home doing fun things in the community and with friends and how important it is for you that you can share experiences like that with him as your boyfriend. Let him know that you want him to continue to have his TV time because you know how valuable that is for him, however both your needs and preferences for “quality time” appear to be clashing and you’d like to discuss with him some ways the two of you can collaborate possible solutions and strategies to bring about more compromise and balance in how you share time together as a couple and as individuals to allow the relationship to continue to grow in a positive way.

Some possible strategies might be that he could record the shows he wants to see and pinpoint specific times of the days of the week that could be allotted his “TV time” for such viewings. The two of you could agree to what this type of schedule might look like, making sure to compromise and sacrifice so each person feels like there’s equal and fair treatment. Another strategy might be that you each pick one day of the week, for example, that will be your special Date Day or Night. Each of you would take turns being responsible for planning a special day of activities or ways to spend time together that would exclude television or movies; experiences that would allow maximum participation and involvement of both of you. You would alternate from week-to-week on who would be the “planner”. This would create more proactive involvement in the relationship in a balanced way for each of you partners. Get creative! By collaboratively brainstorming ideas together, it won’t feel like one person placing demands on the other. It also offers both of you the chance to specify ways you’d like to spend time both together and separately, because it is very important for both of you to have both individual and couple identities for a healthy relationship to evolve.

Hopefully you’ll be well on your way to having your partner’s attention and involvement in your life after such communication sessions with each other. All the best with this, my friend! Good luck!

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.