May 16, 2012 I was Invited to do an interview with the Sweet People on VoiceAmerica.com to discuss Gender Differences With the Hosts and had a great time sharing my insights in how couples can relate to each other in a more productive way when trying to settle differences. To Listen to our interview click this LINK .

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: Understanding Gender differences between the Guys and Dolls  

From the blog - Eva Bowen -VoiceAmerica.com Producer of Out Reach Today

Hello Friends.. What a wonderful show today on communication differences between men and women. I learned so much about how men think versus women. You would think in 46 years, one marriage and several long-term relationships I would have learned a thing or two….ha! I learned while it was fun to look at the differences between men and women, we also have to be careful about not stereotyping or assuming women will all act one way and men the other.

One of our guests Barbara J. Peters wrote a wonderful book about communication between the sexes called, “He Said, She Said, I Said.” Below is an excerpt from the book.

He Said: When she uses that tone of voice with me or puts her hand on her hip, I don’t feel like her husband; I feel like her child, and I just close down.

I Said: With this couple, it became evident it wasn’t just what the woman was saying that pushed her husband away from her, but rather how she said it—with both her words and body language. Her delivery did not create a positive environment for continued dialogues, and her tone of voice and stance did not encourage her spouse to respond in a good way. If she had a way of knowing how her body language made her husband feel, she would then have a chance to change her posture and delivery, which could positively impact their interactions. It is possible to do just that.

Taking the time and effort to learn your partner’s needs and perceptions can go a long way in discovering how to productively and respectfully talk with each other. The keys for understanding what your partner might be thinking or feeling is to make sure you stay in the present, deal exclusively with the concern at hand, listen to words spoken, and watch physical responses. Don’t let your mind think about what happened in the past or the last time you had a similar conversation. And don’t make assumptions.

Ask questions about how he or she is feeling, right then, in the moment, with that experience . . . and then really listen, watch, and care about what you are hearing and seeing. A person’s facial expressions and body postures can often speak louder than words. Additionally, make sure you pay close attention to your own body language and your tone of voice, as well as the words you use. Remember, communication is so much more than words, and if the way you deliver your words or present yourself isn’t in alignment with what you are saying, your partner will hear the loudest statement. For instance, if you are saying loving words in a harsh tone of voice with body language indicating irritation, your significant other will “hear” the irritation much more than the actual words themselves. The next time you and your partner are spending time talking with each other, take a moment to look at the way you stand. Then consider what your posture, hand movements, or arm position could be saying to him or her. Is your posture in alignment with the message you want to send? Or is it contradictory? If you are the one who is feeling belittled by your partner’s body language or tone of voice, your feelings should be addressed, preferably at a time when you are comfortably and genuinely sharing with each other.

Sometimes body stance becomes a habit more than a reflection of what a person is feeling. Give your loved one an opportunity to make some changes in the way he or she speaks to you instead of just closing down. In a relationship, each is responsible for how he or she responds, both as the one doing the talking and the one doing the listening.

I am so with Barbara on this. Often times my ex-husband would raise his voice at me when when we were discussing something. I hate being yelled at. Did I say hate?? Yep. I believe that heightened my emotion level and I would get more upset. Even though I told him repeatedly about his level and tone…he never got it that it disturbed me. It’s important to find out what works in conversations with your significant other.

If you want more information on Barbara J. Peters visit her website http://www.thegiftofalifetime.net/he-said-she-said-i-said/ Great points Barbara and very insightful information thank you!

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

 When relationships turn stale or are challenged, retaking that lovin’ feelin’ can mean work, a lot of work  

So, where’s the fun in that?

Couples trying to rejuvenate their marriages often appear resigned to “do what has to be done” to get their relationship back on track. While they want a positive end result, the thought of what it will take to get there is exhausting. Does this have to be the case?

To paraphrase Scott Peck in his book The Road Less Traveled, life is difficult, but once we realize that life is difficult, it is no longer difficult. How does this make sense? Have you ever avoided a chore or obligation because you thought it was impossibly difficult to do? Once all your reprieves were exhausted and you simply had to do it, were you surprised the obligation was much easier to accomplish than you expected?

If the concept of “fun” was added to the “work” required to mend a tattered relationship or grow a good one, connecting with each other might be easier. Think of the happy lyric, “Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work we go!” Maybe the seven dwarfs had something there!

The dictionary defines fun as “a time or feeling of enjoyment or amusement.” You and your partner must have had fun sometime in your relationship – rekindle those times and enjoy each other again.

Easier said than done, you say. But, try these seven suggestions and reconnect in pleasurable ways without demands. The results may surprise you.

1. Tell jokes. Find a joke each day and share it by email, text, or in person.
2. Take a class together. Try ballroom dancing, cooking, music, painting, or anything that seems like fun to do together. You might learn something too!
3. Try new outdoor activities like sailing, walking, hiking, or gardening.
4.  Plan to get away as a couple. The ultimate goal is to create romance, but “pressure to perform” can make the time away uncomfortable.
5. Travel, even if just for a day. Find interesting places to explore together. Your own backyard is a good place to start.
6.  Play board games – a little competition never hurt.
7.  Rekindle intimacy. If this part of your relationship has been dormant, start with the little things like holding hands or a playful squeeze.

Mending or maintaining relationships takes work, but part of the work can be having fun together. It’s difficult for couples to stay upset or angry when they’re enjoying each other or exploring new things. It’s a paradigm shift to turn relationship work into fun, yet still reap the benefits hard work delivers.

 Go for it, my friends, go for it!

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

For several months, a client had been complaining about her husband’s behavior. She felt she could no longer continue in the marriage as it was. She wanted a loving relationship with her husband, but often felt she played the role of his mother rather than his wife.

She felt sometimes he was another child requiring “care and feeding,” and resented having to do so much work around the house without his help. He was good with their boys, but she wanted a genuine partnership. My client worked a full day, and then came home to face dozens of household chores.

One Saturday afternoon my client attended a bridal shower for a friend. She quickly noted there were two camps of women seemingly pitted against each other. The conversation bordered on superficial matters, mostly about money and what it could buy. The “haves” in the group didn’t work outside the home and although they cared for their children all day, had extra hours to spend on themselves. The “haves” seemed to put down the other camp of women who worked outside the home. Their digs were cutting, but subtle.

The “have nots” were the women who worked, either to help make ends meet or for personal satisfaction. At the end of the day, their choices were limited by time, energy, and household demands. All had little time for the things that made life fun. Some in this group implied the stay-at-home moms were dull and unfulfilled. Again, the digs were cutting, but subtle.

Each camp sat in judgment of the other.

The conversation was disturbing to my client. Was this the essence of life? Did personal success and fulfillment depend on who accumulated the most toys? Did people gain importance by putting other people down?

Arriving home, she found her husband fixing dinner for their boys. Rolling up her sleeves to wash the lettuce, she told him about her afternoon and how the dialogue had depressed her. She concluded by asking, “Is this all there is to life?”

Her husband smiled and answered, “Many people ask that same question.”

After dinner, her husband grabbed a football and led the boys outside to toss the ball. She followed. When it was too dark to play, they came inside and together showered the boys and put them to bed.

  Walking down the stairs, her husband asked, “Did you get your question answered?”

“You were sneaky!” my client replied. “I think you staged the football game to show me the answer.”

Hugging her close he whispered, “But you didn’t have to come outside with us.”

What a message! Tears filled my client’s eyes as she told her story.

 “This is when I realized I really do love him! I have to give him a chance. I’m the one who should look at life with open eyes.”

With her husband’s simple words, my client understood what a loving relationship she truly had. Sometimes it just takes a different perspective to change your world.

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

It is that time of year again. Wedding bells are ringing, bridal expos are calling and wedding venues are hopping. Whether it is a destination wedding, a banquet hall or a cozy backyard, the excitement is in the air. One thing for sure is that vows will be said and a new life begun.

The Gift of a Lifetime

Building a Marriage That Lasts is a book to help make this new life one to last a lifetime. Saying “I do and promising to love and cherish until death do you part”, is a tall order.

Many couples embarking on this journey do not realize that their new union will require more than a verbal commitment. It requires daily work and maintenance to make it successful. Just like we must water plants to help them grow we must care for our marriage so it flourishes.

In this book, a couple will see just how to create a forever after marriage. The major principles of forgiveness, acceptance, compassion trust and spirituality will be their guide. The unique stories of couples who have benefited by these principles make this a must have book. Give it as a shower or wedding gift to a special couple and you will have given a forever gift.

It is available in hardcover and paperback and can be purchased at most major booksellers.

www.amazon.com

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

Goals keep us motivated to reach higher and encourage us to be better at something. Goals keep us working harder and smarter while putting
complacency aside. Goals keep us moving forward in our journey, and can also bring adventure into our lives. Goals can keep us organized and secure and are a testament to holding our best interests close.

 Some people only talk about goals, while others make them happen. The talkers may have good intentions, but don’t follow through. Those who reach goals see positive change happening. Which of the two are you?

 Setting goals to move the connection with your partner forward is important. Establishing goals for your relationship isn’t one-sided; it requires a commitment from both partners to reach success.

 Here are tips to incorporate goals into your relationship:

1. Commit your goals to paper, and then share them with your partner. Talk about what you want to achieve, and determine if your partner agrees with you.
2. Make goals specific. Discuss details how they can be reached. Sometimes it’s better to have several small goals instead of one big one which might be difficult to attain. It is easier to see progress using smaller, more workable steps.
3. Make goals measurable. Set parameters to determine if you are moving forward effectively.
4. Make relationship goals realistic. Allow a period of time for your goal to be met, and at the end of the allotted time, evaluate your progress. Don’t leave goals open-ended or they will be difficult to reach.
5. Make the goal fit your values, strengths, and purpose. Be comfortable with the end result when your goal is reached.
6. Identify why a goal is important to you, and discuss this with your partner.
7. Identify obstacles that could keep you from achieving your goal; develop a plan of action to ensure success. Flexibility is important.
8. Take consistent action daily to turn your goal into a reality. Use a support network you can depend on for accountability and encouragement.
9. Finally, celebrate your accomplishment. 

 Nothing feels better than the sense of fulfillment upon reaching a measurable goal. You owe it to yourself and your partner to make relationship goals a reality. Setting aspirations for your life together is a meaningful way to encourage, celebrate, and honor each other.

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

I was talking with a client recently about changes she was making in her marriage. These changes resulted from a better understanding of the needs and wants she and her husband had within their marriage.

She indicated things were improving and she was a lot happier. When I asked why things were getting better, my client replied, “Simple relationship maintenance.”

“Well,” I asked, “what does that mean exactly?” 

She explained she was doing the little things she knew were important to her husband. She was surprised at the positive results these little actions inspired. My client concluded, “I’m focusing on what I have in my marriage, and not on what is missing.”

What does “maintenance” mean and how does it impact a relationship? Do most couples realize their relationship needs constant work and effort, or do they think their connection will just take care of itself? Could many relationship problems or issues be the result of low to zero maintenance by either or both partners?

Think about it, most of what we encounter daily requires maintenance of some sort.

If we own a car, we know about “Factory Scheduled Maintenance” designed to help ensure trouble-free operation of the car. Following recommended service performed within specified mileage intervals helps anticipate needed repairs to prevent damage from normal wear and tear.

For homeowners, certain things need special attention to keep our havens structurally sound and free from environmental damage. Preventive programs keep things under control.

What about health? There are certainly things we do to maintain a good quality of life. We try to prevent stress from taking toll on our bodies to protect our immune system and keep us from getting sick. We plan a lifestyle geared to reducing stress and promoting wellness.

No doubt “maintenance” is something we do most every day. But when it comes to our very personal relationships, where do we stand? Do we have a regular scheduled maintenance plan designed to prevent problems from occurring? While relationship maintenance may not be as simple as a scheduled oil change, neglecting this important part of our lives could have inconvenient or even deadly consequences.

Becoming more attentive to our relationship with our partner will contribute to overall happiness and add to relationship longevity.

Why not talk with your spouse or partner to find out what he or she thinks might be missing or is a weak link between the two of you? By taking inventory of what is and isn’t working in your relationship, you’re putting yourself on the path to resolving issues before they turn into difficult problems layered with blame, anger, confusion, or guilt. If necessary, professional counseling may be required to help navigate the maze.

It’s all about commitment and priorities. Taking the time to keep your relationship running smoothly and well maintained is well worth the effort. Relationship Maintenance is well worth the effort.

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

 Good communication is like glue. It plays a large part keeping relationships intact and holding strong. On the other hand, poor communication leads to conflict, often acting as a solvent to cause relationships to separate or dissolve.

 The happiest couples are the ones who are emotionally open and not afraid of being vulnerable with each other. It’s not always easy to talk about sensitive subjects that elicit fears and insecurities. With rejection or criticism expected or looming, certain important topics can go unspoken for years or become communicated in indirect, obtuse ways.

 Couples without good communication can become disengaged and will often seek out “safe people” for discussing their concerns, rather than their partner. Or, they might opt to keep feelings bottled inside while needs remain unmet. Depression and other negative emotional states can easily take over.

 The following are seven mistakes individuals often make when communicating with their significant other:

• Not listening to what the other is saying
• Formulating a response too quickly without getting sufficient information
• Using words or phrases that the other does not understand
• Displaying inappropriate vocal gestures, such as tone, pitch and facial expression
• Unfriendly body language (arms folded over chest)
• Poor timing for a serious discussion
• Failure to ensure the other person understands your message

Now, here’s how to overcome communication mistakes:

• Clearly state your point or opinion.
• Deliver your message in a loving manner.
• Be open to answer questions.
• Choose an appropriate time to dialogue.
• Use common words and phrases your partner understands or explain your meaning clearly.
• Show open body language.
• Allow your partner time to respond; wait patiently for an answer.

Being aware of impaired communication is the first step to better communication. When you find you’re in the throes of communicating badly, such as a screaming match with your partner, ask for help from him or her, or take a time-out rather than say things that might later cause more conflict or hurt feelings. Your words are like an e-mail – once you hit the send button, it is done.

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

 Flexibility in a relationship means that you are able to adapt and bend to meet the needs of your partner. It means you are not afraid to do things differently and will take risks outside your comfort zone. It means that while you will not always see things as your partner does, you are willing to invite new interpretations and offer a willingness to sample other alternatives.

 Suppose your husband comes home from work one night and gives you a warmer-than-usual hello hug. You have dinner in the oven, the kids are doing their homework, and the washing machine is churning away.. You’re dressed in sweats,  tennis shoes, and your hair is gathered in a ponytail – your usual appearance as you focus on the evening chores ahead. Your roles of career woman, mother, and wife challenge you every day as you attempt to juggle time management skills.

 As your husband whips a bouquet of flowers from behind his back, he playfully announces, “I want to go to the new Italian bistro tonight for dinner, just with you. Go put something sexy on. I’ve already called the babysitter and she can be here in 30 minutes. I’m in the mood for some serious ‘us’ time.”

 What do you do?

 Do you praise your husband for his fabulous thought, but shrug it off and ask he make it another night? After all, it would take effort to change your plans and you would really rather stay at home. Of course you’ll give a laundry list of excuses why you simply cannot go out for a romantic dinner, all of them valid.

 Or, do you give your husband a suggestive squeeze; thank him for the flowers with a passionate kiss, and rush upstairs to get ready for a night with your lover?

 If you go for the second option, you’ll never regret it.

 If you opt for the first choice, hopefully flexibility will shift and your husband will be the one making the adjustment . . . that is, if you’re lucky.

 That second scenario might go something like this,” I understand, honey, so why don’t we spend quiet time together after dinner and the kids are in bed. We can play our song, snuggle on the couch, and talk about us.”

 It all sounds good, but being flexible isn’t as easy as it sounds. You may have to practice. Here’s how . . .

• Be open to hearing another viewpoint.
• Be ready to try something different.
• Learn to be spontaneous.

 Both partners should expect to be flexible at different times in their relationship, but in this case, why not opt for the choice that will bring more excitement into your relationship? 

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

Certainly there had to be romance early in these relationships. What happened?

Wikipedia has this to say . . .  “Romance is the pleasurable feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.”  Focus on the words pleasurable, excitement, and mystery.  Who wouldn’t want to experience those heady emotions?

So how does relationship romance evaporate, allowing the blahs to take its place? Five culprits might be stealing your relationship’s pleasure, excitement and mystery.

1. Not expressing love and affection. Often partners get accustomed to thinking wonderful things about the other, but don’t share those thoughts. Remember when you were falling in love and romantic words flowed? Try them again and openly speak of your affection.

2. Not making time for each other. Mundane and simple tasks (grocery shopping) along with important and critical tasks (child rearing) fill our days. Often I suggest going out on a date with your partner. The most common excuse that comes back to me is, “We don’t have time to go out on a date!” Look at your time management, and then get creative to find ways to enjoy each other.

3. Not doing little things to please your partner. Remember when you sent cards, bought flowers, texted thoughts, paid compliments, hugged with passion, and blew kisses across a crowded room? Why did you stop? Did you fall into the trap of taking your relationship for granted, assuming it would last the test of time without any effort? Reframe that idea and realize romance needs your involvement.

4. Not having your own interests and actively pursuing them. Being needy, clingy and constantly following your partner’s lead can be unattractive and unhealthy for you relationship. When dating you had things to talk about and share. You brought a self-confident and interesting person into another’s life. You were a bit mysterious and exciting. Find that again and see how romance grows and strengths your relationships.

5. Not keeping an attractive physical appearance. Dress and groom each day to please your partner. Remember, girls, when you were going on a date how important it was to pick the right outfit and a neat hairstyle? And guys, didn’t you put on your best clothes also?  Be as concerned now about your looks and style as you did when you were dating. You’ll be happier inside, and your partner will be proud of you for looking so good!

The bottom line: romance takes work; it doesn’t float in on a billowy cloud. If you want to keep your lover’s heart on fire and enjoy a relationship that smolders, put forth the effort it takes to make it happen. 

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters

These days 3-D movies are crowding the theaters. Once a ‘50s phenomenon, they are making a big comeback. Why? To give a fuller and more intense movie experience and to bring objects, places, and events up close and personal.

How many dimensions does your love relationship experience?  Do you see and experience your connection with your partner with depth and excitement, or is your connection one-dimensional and flat?

How can you view your relationship from a 3-D perspective without those silly glasses? Try these suggestions:

• Really look at your partner. Notice what they are wearing, the texture of their skin, gloss of their hair, how their facial expressions change, and their way of moving around a room. Take a mental picture of your partner and tuck it away in your mind.
• Listen carefully to what your partner says, questions they ask, and requests they make.  
• Learn about their interests and really care. Find out what they enjoy, wish for, and are fearful to face.
• Do something new with your partner. A new interest might jumpstart new excitement in your relationship.
• Learn how they spend their eight hours at work each day. This just might give you new insight into your partner’s talents and abilities.
• Ask about their sense of spirituality and what helps them cope personally when times are difficult.

So often, especially in long term relationships, we think we know all there is to know about our partner. But, each of us is growing and changing every day and there is always something new to learn about another.  Seeing your partner in 3-D will add intensity to your relationship that will deepen your bond in a colorful, exciting way.

We would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this article, share this article, or post in on your website. Please make sure you have it linked back to us! Enjoy! Barbara J. Peters